EP 36: Jonathan Heilgendorf | Young Teen, Big Heart

Jonny Heilgendorf is my beloved younger cousin. My intention with the show was to delve into and document who he is in this stage of life. Who is he now? What is he about? As we all know, life is an unpredictable and mysterious journey. Who we become, the many versions and identities we create and shed, the places we find ourselves- as life unfolds is something we can derive a lot of gold from. Imagine having a podcast interview to hold onto from the age of 16 as a reminder of the journey and how far you have come as a person. It's easy to forget the magnitude of how much we've truly changed, and the nuanced specific of who we were in the past. I'm grateful to have shared this beautiful, authentic, open hearted, and connected conversation with my cousin. Enjoy!

Transcript

Meeting Johnny: First Podcast Experience

Speaker 1 0:00

Hello, how does it feel to be on your first podcast? Good, yeah, yeah. Tell me more about it.

Speaker 3 0:08

A little bit nerve-wracking but, I don't want to say anything. That's just like too weird, or anything.

Speaker 1 0:14

How does that feel? Just like, or like describe the feeling of nerve-wracking, like what's happening for you in the moment.

Speaker 3 0:21

I'm just nervous because I know, because when I was just on my phone, uh, people were um, because I said that I sent a snap of like the headset I said podcast time and they were like, oh, drop the link once it's done. And that's like pressure's on, yeah, pressure's on sweet, all right.

Speaker 1 0:42

Well, I'd love to just start out by having you, uh describe who you are, maybe your relationship to me, you know just anything that comes up, uh, as you see, as relevant, important, as it pertains to who johnny hilgendorf is uh, I am bill's younger cousin and um, I'm blue collar.

Speaker 3 1:10

Uh, big country guy over here.

Rose: Cars, Summer Plans & Health

Speaker 1 1:14

Um, just like doing outdoor stuff, hanging out with people and your cousin absolutely well said man, um, all right, I want to try a fun exercise that I think would give us a good glimpse into where you're at and and what's going on in your life in this season being, uh, being a teenager on the verge of turning 16, um, um, so the this game, this exercise, is called Rosebud Thorn. Rose is something that's like going really well in your life, something that um is beautiful, uh, so that's the easiest way to put it. Bud is something that's blossoming, maybe something you're looking forward to in the future, and thorn is a challenge that you're facing, something that's been hard, something that's been weighing on you, something that's been tough to move through. So how about we start with rose? Something that's going good, something that feels good, something that's beautiful, something that you're appreciating right now in your life, um, pretty much just the gift to be with people and like friends.

Speaker 3 2:32

And the fact that I've already bought two cars, the fact, um that I know that I'm gonna be hanging out with people a lot this summer and like working on, um, working on my cars, especially the one that I just bought, that one's going to be like the most like significant to me because that's actually going to be like the first, like daily car of mine. Um, that's like what I'm like really I'm happy about that's going good for me and like just my health overall and um, just still being here, being alive and um all that stuff just being with family, family healthy, family's healthy um, just pretty much all that beautiful, beautiful.

Bud: Looking Forward to Driving Freedom

Speaker 1 3:22

All right on to uh, to the bud. What is, what is something you're looking forward to, maybe down the road, something that's blossoming in the early stages of development, what comes through for you there?

Speaker 3 3:37

honestly, um, pretty much this summer is. This summer is going to be a absolute movie.

Speaker 1 3:45

Yeah, tell us more about that.

Speaker 3 3:48

Well, I'm going to have my license, I'm going to be able to do stuff. I'm actually going to be able to go places that I want to go without any restrictions or having to pay people for gas money or pay people to come pick me up, because I'll have my own car, so I'll just be able to go places. You just have to pay for your own pick me up because I'll have my own car, so I'll just be able to go places you have to pay for your own gas.

Speaker 1 4:07

Yeah, I just have to pay for my own gas um and I get the opportunity of people are going to be paying you for for gas and rides.

Speaker 3 4:15

I've already got people that are this new development.

Speaker 1 4:17

I've already got, uh, people lined up oh, yeah, yeah, the homies are ready for johnny to be in the driver's seat.

Speaker 3 4:23

Yeah, um, I'm really excited about just the fact I'm gonna be able to go out whenever I want and like that's also something that's going to be amazing to me is that I'll be able to have that other, um way of clearing my mind because I know people say that it's not good for you to do that but it helps me out. It's just like being alone, like if there's something a lot of my mind and I'll go out for a drive. It calms me down and it clears my mind and it just it's just overall better for me. I know people say like shouldn't go out driving when there's a bunch of stuff on your mind. You might not, um, take it, take driving that serious or like you're just going to get into an accident, but I totally agree with that to an extent. I know that I'm never going to ever do that. I'm going to pay attention. I just need something to clear my mind and that is 100% going to be something that helps me clear my mind.

Speaker 1 5:25

Sounds like it's something that brings you joy and peace and relaxation and clarity being on the road. Huh yeah, what do you think that is Like? What is it about driving that brings you to that?

Speaker 3 5:37

place. I don't know, it's maybe because I've just been wanting to drive my whole life. I've always found joy in driving. I really don't know why, but I mean when I was little I used to. I I mean I still do, like the monster jam and stuff, um, but when I was little I wanted to be a monster truck driver and I think it's just being around, like my dad, who's like loves nascar, and being around all like the people who love cars, like sammy d he loves trucks, like all like just being around people that loves to drive and like like that sport of um driving. I think just being around that and then also me driving from me starting to drive at a young age kind of got me into like okay, I really like this.

Speaker 3 6:27

This helps me calm down and like this is 100% something that I really like and that I want to continue doing.

Speaker 1 6:33

Yeah, that's huge man, just having an outlet that is exciting and healthy and brings you to that place of calm inside of you and just fills your cup right. Um, and then, wow, such an exciting time to be a 15 year old. Yeah, you know this new layer of liberation and freedom with, uh, obtaining a license and being able to be mobile with wheels. I remember, uh, how much of a turning point that was for me and just like how much more is available within life being able to have access to a car and have a license so that you can drive the car.

Speaker 3 7:16

Um, and, yeah, like just lots of possibility, huh yeah, yeah, uh, 100, and before, like, I even turned 15. There there's people that I know that are younger than me. They're freshmen and they're like I hope you know that you're going to be driving me everywhere. I'm like I hope you know that you're probably going to have to pay for gas money if I'm driving you everywhere. I mean, I'm the type of guy that won't ask.

Speaker 1 7:42

That's a pretty tall ask right there. Yeah, you're not a chauffeur. Yeah.

Speaker 3 7:46

I'm the type of guy that won't ask for gas money. But if stuff is like cutting, like it's starting to get really bad for me and I'm like running out of money, like I'm going to ask for some gas money. But I will not ask you 100% of the time. There will be times where I will ask you for gas money because if I'm like, let's say, I pick you up in Searburg and we're driving around for hours, I'm going to ask you for at least $20 of gas money.

Speaker 1 8:15

It's a team effort.

Speaker 3 8:17

Yeah, you need. If you want me to continue picking you up and being your Uber, pretty much.

Speaker 1 8:20

You need the community support.

Speaker 3 8:22

Yeah, if you want me to be your uber. Pretty much. You're gonna have to pay me some gas money yeah yeah beautiful.

Thorn: Cutting Out Fake Friendships

Speaker 1 8:28

Um, all right, let's move on to, uh, the thorn.

Speaker 3 8:31

What's something that is has been hard for you or challenging um, pretty much just um moving on from stuff, um, and getting the bad people out of my life.

Speaker 3 8:45

I've cut a hundred. I've cut so many people out of my life and it sucks because, um, I used to think that these were people that I was really good friends with, until I actually like realized like, hey, these people only want to hang out with me when they when they um have nothing to do and when they're most bored like when they're super bored they got nothing to do, they're free and no one else can hang out. And I was always that at last option, and I'm uh, for so long I just let it roll off my shoulder and I was like, oh, it's whatever, this ain't true, they still want to be my friend, they aren't fake. And then I sat down and I started just realizing, like friends don't do that to you.

Speaker 3 9:44

If they are your real friends, they want to hang out with you and I and I understand, like sometimes they're busy. But to the fact where every time you ask even like I used to ask like weeks in advance and they're back oh no, I can't. And then one of my other friends, old friends he literally admitted to me that he didn't want to hang out with me and I was the last option and that has been one of the harder things to come by. Like to move forward to.

Speaker 3 10:18

And it sucks because I mean right now I don't really care, because I mean right now I don't really care, but I've got like two or three like true, true, true friends. I mean, and I'm fine with that, I'd rather have Quality over quantity. Yeah, I'd rather have three true friends than 100 fake friends. Dude, absolutely.

Speaker 1 10:41

Yeah, you'll go through a lot of that as you're, you know, at this age, dude, absolutely yeah, you'll go through a lot of that as you're at this age and really most of us around your age and most adults as well, not really having any sort of proper roadmap for building relationships and be a good friend and what. What is a good friend for me? We can like sense these things, I think, just naturally, and we're inclined to um, be attuned to people's energy and if they, if they truly care about us. Very straightforward example of someone that didn't value you, didn't value johnny, didn't truly care to, like you know, move forward in relationship with. And that is hard, that is hard to to let go of that.

Speaker 1 11:29

But also, would you say it's a blessing to like get that information a little a little sharp to receive feedback like that, Like somebody doesn't want to hang out with you and you're the last option, but also it's like oh, then we're not meant to be friends I mean it sucks so.

Speaker 3 11:44

It sucks so much that, like I thought that one of my friends that I've been friends with for so long was just using me and like I was their last did, he apologize to you no no, no, he had no remorse, no, remorse, no remorse and I was like, dude, this hurts me so much because I don't want to stop being friends with you because you, one, you know too much, you know way too much. And two, I felt like me and you had such a strong, good connection and then you just tell me that I'm the last option, like I don't like that and and if you're going to act like that, then I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to cut you out of my life.

Speaker 1 12:36

Yeah, and we call those we call those boundaries. It's like you need to set these boundaries to protect your energy, or you only want to let people in your life that are truly going to be there um fully uh with with you, yeah, and especially with um ex-girlfriends too.

Speaker 3 12:55

Uh, most recent ex-girlfriend I'm not going to name names cause I don't know if she's going to listen to this but you know, but you know who you are she.

Dealing with Pain and Setting Boundaries

Speaker 3 13:06

I felt used in the relationship a lot, but I didn't care. I really I really liked this girl and I was, I 100% saw a future with her, but and she started cheating on me and then it's just like I didn't cut her out, uh, like I should have, and I think that is something that I'm healing from still. Um, it's just like I got to deal with that now and I mean it's fine, cause I don't really think about it anymore.

Speaker 1 13:43

Yeah, what's like the main lesson you gained from being in a relationship with someone that cheated on you.

Speaker 3 13:51

Give them at least two chances and that's it, even if they cheat on you. Yes, I am a big. I'm big on giving people second chances, but I've yeah second time around.

Speaker 3 14:02

It's like yeah, I've given so many people so many chances and they turn around and just stand me in back again and I keep on giving them chances and chances, and chances. And it's too, and I it got to a point where I'm just like I I'm hurting myself more than I'm hurting them, like if I keep on letting them into my life, they're just gonna be like oh, I can keep on doing it because he's not gonna let me out of this, out of his life. And I think I've caught people like I've I don't want to say like scared people, but like I've made them like nervous not nervous, but but like it was like whoa, now he's actually cutting me out of his life. What is going on? And I like the fact that people are thinking that now because they thought that I wouldn't cut anyone out of my life.

Speaker 1 15:00

And I thought they could just keep pushing you around. Yeah, they thought that they could do whatever they want to me.

Speaker 3 15:04

But growing up I'm getting more mature and it took me a while to figure it out. But there are a lot of fake people in the world that they will not stand with you for stuff that you like. People don't agree with the stuff that you like. They will not um what people don't agree with the stuff that you agree with or they don't find. Um what the find? Find the stuff that you enjoy. They don't find that enjoying to themselves yeah.

Speaker 1 15:39

Why do you think people that, why do you think people are engaging with you in this way like lying, being dishonest, doing things that obviously are going to cause pain for you? What are your thoughts?

Speaker 3 15:50

on where that comes from that behavior. I mean, I've been dealing with this like pretty much my whole life and I think it's just because they get a rise out of me and they think it's funny, they think it's cool and they think like it's a big, they think it's like a big um game where like yeah, oh, let's mess with johnny, let's let's break his heart, like all that stuff, and I'm and I'm.

Speaker 1 16:23

Can I ask another question that goes along with this? Do you think they want to cause you pain because they themselves are in pain?

Speaker 3 16:32

Yeah, 100%. I am a big believer on. The only reason why you're causing me pain is because you have pain that you cannot get out of your mind and you, the only way that you can, uh, get it out of your mind and you the only way that you can get it out of your mind is by causing other people pain. And I mean I really hope that those people can that do. Have that as their mindset. Like I can only cause, I can only get rid of my pain if I cause other people pain. I really hope that they can, and I don't want to say that something's wrong with them, but I hope that they can find the help that they need to get that pain out of them a different way than causing other people pain. I really hope that they can figure something out like that.

Speaker 1 17:25

Yeah, true that Well said. Man, how do you deal with your own pain? It sounds like you have awareness around other people causing you pain cause they're in pain. So, if you're in pain, since you have this awareness, obviously you're finding other outlets for it, cause I would imagine, with knowing this, you don't want to be behaving in the same way. Um, you know, being a hurt person that is creating more hurt in other people's lives, because that seems to just be an unconscious reaction to pain, cause we want to bring people down to our level of misery. Loves company.

Speaker 1 18:02

So what has worked well for you as a young man, for for processing the challenges and you know just, uh, the trials and tribulations of being a 15, almost 16, 16 year old boy, because, yeah, that's, that's a, that's a tough time. There's lots of transformation happening, things are changing. It can be really confusing. So, yeah, what have you done? Like, what do you do you do differently? Um, outside of what you see, these other individuals that are around your same age um, I like I work out, I'll spend time just by myself.

Overcoming Nicotine Addiction

Speaker 3 18:43

Um, I'll play video games, I I'll call up my sister and she'll we'll come pick, she'll she would come pick me up and we'll just like go do something. Um, but I mostly just find like comfort in like being by myself and like just being on my phone or like talking to the people that I can like go to and like express myself to, and I know that I won't get judged. Um, that's pretty much a big thing. That's how I get like if I'm feeling pain, that's how I get it out. Um, driving, that's also another thing. Working on cars, fishing, all like all that stuff like helps me like to relieve stress, relieve pain and all that.

Speaker 1 19:31

What would you tell someone? What advice, wisdom would you give someone that's your age and how to process the challenges that are coming up for them in a healthy way?

Speaker 3 19:46

Don't feel bad if you have to cut people out of your life. Don't feel bad if you have to cut people out of your life At 100%. If there's something that you don't stand for and someone else is doing and you want that out of your life, don't feel bad for cutting them out of your life. That is probably the best thing that you could do is cutting them out of your life so you can be the best person you can be. Yeah, yeah, beautiful man. Your life, so you can be the best person you can be. Yeah, yeah, beautiful man. And also, don't don't feel um, um, excuse my french, but don't think of yourself as a bitch going and asking for help, because I used to always think if I asked for help, I I'm a bitch or I'm a pussy. But once I started asking for help, I started working on like it started being 100% better on myself. I felt 100% relieved and that was probably the best thing I could have done was ask for help. So don't be scared to ask for help.

Speaker 1 20:49

What inspired you to ask for help, help. How did you come to that place of knowing that was the right way?

Speaker 3 20:54

I was going down the I was going down the wrong path and I hit rock bottom, and so then I started reaching out to people. I started asking for help because I didn't want to be like how I, how I was like a couple months ago, um, and I finally got my life together so far Um, I've got a job, I've um, got friends that I can go to. I and I just found peace in asking for help and I felt a hundred times better.

Speaker 1 21:45

Nice man. Do you have other friends that are thinking in similar ways that you have these conversations with about these vulnerable things that are coming up for you? It sounds like you have some nourishing, deep connections with others where you can bring these things to the light. You can bring them up in conversation. You guys have a safe space to do it, because it sounds like these ideas are pretty solidified in you and your way of being. You just have an understanding Like I don't care if other people think this is like lame or I don't care what they think about it. I know that this works for me. I know that this is the way. Yeah, so the question being like it sounds so you are involved with community of people and friends that are interacting with you in this way, interacting with themselves in this way yeah, I've 100.

Speaker 3 22:40

Helped people get out of um the path that I went through um. I know that this one freshman that I'm friends with she was going down a bad path. In what way? Nicotine, okay.

Speaker 3 23:03

So abusing it, huh, abusing it, yeah, and I don't know if I kind of got her to like quit, but she's quitting right now. It's 100% hard and I'm just helping her every step. I'm just helping her as much as I can and I hope she knows that she can come to me with anything because we are friends and I will help you out with quitting. I'm two months sober of nicotine and that was probably the best thing I could have done because I've gotten closer with my family. It's because I've gotten closer with my family. I've gotten closer with just other people that I thought I would never have a connection with ever again.

Speaker 3 23:56

Because of how I acted, my mental health has been all-time high. It's been 100 times better since I quit and I just feel like if you are addicted to something, get rid of it, cut that habit. It will suck 100% during quit. During the first couple of stages, first couple of weeks, it will suck, but just know that you can get through that and once you get through it, you're going to feel 100 times better. You're going to be closer to your family. You're going to be closer to your friends. You're going to be closer to your friends. You're just going to be closer to every single thing, and you're just going to enjoy more stuff than you thought that you wouldn't be able to enjoy.

Speaker 1 24:41

What's like the main key for you to move on from the unhealthy habit? What's been like the like, the most powerful lever that you've pulled as far as like, maybe it's like the why. This is why I'm doing it. You know, I'm curious from your angle you're through your lens what has just, like, allowed you to make the change and then stay with the change? Because we can talk about making changes and like, be like. We know, we can understand that, like changing would be very good for me, letting go of the habit or the substance, whatever it may be making healthier decisions. But it's another thing to, you know, actually do it and then continue to do it because we can. We can start it, but a lot of times people fall back into habit. So I'm curious, what has allowed you to maintain sobriety from the nicotine? Um, and and like, like, yeah, what would you say to anyone listening that's looking to move on from something like this as far as a, a piece of wisdom that has worked well for you?

Speaker 3 25:53

Just, do it, Don't think too much into it. I get if you just bought a brand new one. If you want to finish that out, go ahead. But I recommend I know you just spent like $25 on a brand new vape but take that vapepe, go on a car ride and chuck it out. Your chuck it out the window.

Speaker 1 26:17

Well, it's not litter like throw it in throw it in a dumpster. Throw it in dumpster. Uh, get rid of it is the moral of the story just get rid of it.

Speaker 3 26:26

Um, that's. The best thing that you can do is just don't think about it at all.

Speaker 1 26:33

What if someone can't stop thinking about it? They're like oh, I miss my vape.

Speaker 3 26:36

I couldn't stop thinking about it. Find stuff to make your mind go the other direction, like here's the thing about nicotine. Go that way. Go to the right, do not go to the left of the nicotine yeah go figure out one way to get out of that. Like, like, there are, um, if, because one of the worst, um, uh, how do I, um, I don't really know what it's called, if it comes to my mind, hand to mouth coordination, that, what, that's what it is.

Speaker 1 27:15

That is one of, like, the worst side effects is the hand to mouth coordination, like the oral fixation yeah, just like the the process of consuming it yeah, and I would just recommend um getting a no nick vape, because that is 100 right, because that will help out with the hand-to-mouth coordination, ease with the transition, yeah, and create a pathway that is less disruptive because it's it's not cold turkey, and it can give someone an opportunity to ease into completely letting go. And maybe this individual has been, you know, sucking on this vape for you know, every day, all day, for you know, a year, six months, whatever, whatever amount of time, yeah yeah, it's just probably one.

Speaker 3 28:04

when I got first into nicotine I didn't think it was addictive. It fucking ruined my life. Yeah, it ruined my life.

Speaker 1 28:14

So that was the first thing you've, you know, had like a, I guess, substance you've been addicted to in your life.

Speaker 3 28:20

It ruined my life 100% and I am not ashamed to say that, because I mean I know some people are ashamed to say that it ruined their life, but I'm not. I know that it ruined my life and I took initiative to get rid of that and I'm 100% so happy that. I got rid of it at the time that I did.

Speaker 1 28:45

Yeah, that's good work, man. That's a win. Right there celebrating you. What percentage of kids do you think use vapes that are your age? Like? If you were just put like a general educated guess, uh, estimation on it probably about like 95 percent of my age really yeah, there's use for real. Yeah, everyone. So all these kids are just in school walking around with elf bars in their pocket.

Meeting New People and Social Fears

Speaker 3 29:10

Huh, elf bars, geek bars breezes, the geek bars are out of control. The screens. And now that people they're so high tech, oh yeah, there's posh is like you can literally call people, you can play music, you can play games on them. Yeah, it's just like gotten ridiculous.

Speaker 1 29:27

What's the main negative impact you see on people that vape?

Speaker 3 29:36

That's like the most reason, like that's like one of the main reasons why people get into it is because they think that they're cool. Let me tell you Really You're not cool, you're not cool if you start vaping, you're not cool at all. It's ruining your health, it's ruining your lungs, it's ruining everything in your body.

Speaker 1 29:56

Yeah.

Speaker 1 29:57

I mean you're. So just my perspective on addiction Like these are things we become slaves to, essentially like we're shackled to them, we're chained to something that it has agency over us and we are. We are out of control. We lack agency because something exogenous has this pull on us and it consumes our energy. It's like a parasite. You have this vape. This person gets addicted to this vape. You take the vape away. You know what's going to happen. They're going to think about that shit a lot as they're going about their day. They're going to be probably reaching in their pockets like they're gonna guess guess what?

Speaker 1 30:43

they're no longer present. They're no longer like in the now experience of life. You know if, like right now, we're present, yeah, we're having this, we're together in the moment. If I was addicted to a vape like highly addicted, and like I didn't have it, that would be taking me out of this moment, taking me out of this rich experience that we get to have yeah, I would 100 if I was that.

Speaker 3 31:07

If I was that way too, I would 100, not like, not even yeah remember something like if I was like right here, right now just yeah, hit the neck. I would not remember what I was talking about and there's there's no shame in addiction as well.

Speaker 1 31:22

It doesn't mean you're a bad person, anything like that. You just have found yourself, uh, uh, in a pickle, yeah, um, and we all stumble, uh and misstep into patterns of behavior that are less than ideal for our well-being. I've been addicted to plenty of things. That's being a human that's growing up in a culture where these things are, um, you know, idolized and romanticized and socially acceptable alcohol, I mean. The list is very long as far as things you can be addicted to in this life outside of drugs and substances too. But yeah, I think it's uh really important that this is being documented, because you just said to me that 95 of the people you know are, would you say, they're addicted to the vapes too. They're addicted to nicotine, vaporizers, children out here just huffing, hucking clouds all day, and they're probably smoking them all day oh yeah, oh yeah, uh.

Speaker 3 32:22

I mean like, also, like, one of the main reasons why I quit is for work. I don't want to be running to the bathroom every like 10 minutes to go yeah hit in my neck yeah it's taking your life.

Speaker 1 32:34

Yeah, you know, it's these precious minutes, uh, of this precious precarious life that we're living, which could end, you know, any day, any time. Yeah, these things outside of us that have us again shackled and taking us out of the moment, out of the experience that we get to have. So, yeah, with that, anything else on, like the vape tip that feels important to share, because that's, I know, this is a big part of your journey right now, and what I'm sensing is that it's also a big part of the collective journey of people. Your age.

Speaker 3 33:10

If people are trying to peer pressure you into vaping, say no. Say no Because if you take one, hit Drink water instead, yeah, hydrate.

Speaker 1 33:22

Say no, because if you take one, hit Drink water instead, yeah, hydrate, hydrate.

Speaker 3 33:24

If you take one hit of that nicotine device, you're going to want more. Yeah. And then you're going to keep on asking for it, keep on asking for it to the point where you buy your own.

Speaker 1 33:35

You got one in your own pocket yeah, and then you're sucking on it like a nookie yeah, pretty much. It's like a pacifier.

Speaker 3 33:42

It's just in your mouth 24, 7. Yeah, um, but yeah, just people are trying to peer pressure you into vaping. Don't, don't, it will ruin your life. And some people like, refuse to quit, like they. And some people say, oh, I could quit whenever, I just don't want to. All All right, no, you can't.

Speaker 1 34:00

Then do it. Then do it, if you can Do it right now.

Speaker 3 34:02

If you can, then do it right now. Prove us wrong.

Speaker 1 34:06

Exactly. Prove, yeah, prove yourself right, cool, so I would love to shift gears out of that. What is something that we would be surprised to know about you?

Speaker 3 34:20

you. Wow, um, I'm not a big social guy. Like I mean, I will act 100 like I'm a big social guy but I'm really not. I like, I like the things that I like. And if I really don't like meeting new people because I don't know how how they're gonna act towards me and I mean it also all depends on, like, how I'm feeling in that moment is if I want to go out or if I want to go meet some new people, like that all depends on how I'm feeling. Yeah, um, it's everyone like most of the people I talk to they think that, like I'm a big, like, oh yeah, I'd love to meet this new person.

Speaker 1 35:12

Social butterfly yeah, pretty much that's what you think people view you in that way and I just and I'm not.

Speaker 3 35:18

I don't really like meeting new people.

Speaker 1 35:20

What is it about it? Is it like you said you were? You worry about what how they'll be? I forgot the word yeah.

Speaker 3 35:28

I worry how like they'll think of me and like what they will do, cause some people are just like completely different from me and I don't like, I don't. I'm not saying that I don't like that, it's just like kind of like thing to me, like I want to like be with someone that I like, I'm kind of alike with, and I don't know, and if I'm meeting someone new, I don't know how they are what if you just stopped caring what they thought about you?

Speaker 1 36:00

is there a part of you that wants to be liked by them? Is that why you are concerned, um, of what they'll think about you and like, maybe like the potential rejection that comes with not being liked or someone being fond of you?

Speaker 3 36:16

I mean, it's not really the big part of like I don't know what they'll think about me. Like I don't really care about that, I don't really care how you think about me. Okay, but it's not really the big part of like. I don't know what they'll think about me. Like I don't really care about that, I don't really care how you think about me. Okay.

Speaker 3 36:23

But it's just like the fact of I don't know you, I don't know what you're going to do, I don't know what you like, and it's just that's one of like the big parts of I don't know who or what you are.

Speaker 1 36:43

And is a part of you at all excited about that as well. Like hey, like whoa, there's this new person. I don't know what they could be about. They could be, you know, an anthropologist or a I don't you know a rocket scientist.

Speaker 3 36:51

There's a little artist, a part musician a part of me that I'm like oh, I kind of want to get to know this person more and like I'm kind of excited to meet this new person. But some of me is just like most of me is just like I don't really want to meet you. I mean, I don't know why. I mean I used to love meeting new people, but now that I'm just like man, I don't really want to meet.

Speaker 1 37:15

You Sounds like you. Maybe it has to do with the boundaries you've set in regards to others hurting you and getting them out of your life, and maybe you tread carefully with new people because you want to protect yourself. Does that resonate? Yeah, it's just like okay, I know this person probably means well and they're a good person, but there's also the possibility of, yeah, pain and hurt and this person doing something bad in relationship to me yeah, that's, yeah, that's like a really big part of it.

Speaker 1 37:51

Yep, the risk is always there. We never, we never know like. It takes a really long time to get to know someone and who they are and what they're about and who they are at their core. Because we have this there's just many layers of a being and you peel back those layers as you get to know someone more and some most people don't even really know themselves. So eventually you get to the core and sometimes you don't like what you find. Yeah, and there's some nasty stuff in there and a lot of darkness for them to work through. Not that it's anything personal if they hurt you, but again, like a person that is in pain, hurting you or I, because they're just not feeling well and um, yeah, it's threatening to see someone that is doing well. Um, cool, what's your biggest fear?

Speaker 3 38:41

well, um probably dying dying.

Speaker 1 38:46

Really, what are you scared of?

Life, Death, and Future Aspirations

Speaker 3 38:48

just not being around the people that I love anymore. Um, just like, that's just like a big thing. Like I probably can't go a day without thinking like being scared of me dying, and I mean like I live my life on the edge, but that's one of like the big things. That's just like that freaks me out every day sounds it's.

Speaker 1 39:14

I'm hearing that you love life so much that the idea of death no longer being here is's like oh yeah, and also like my loved ones dying too.

Speaker 3 39:23

So like I don't want, I don't want my loved ones dying, I just can't, like I just can't, uh, think about the future without my parents or without my family and it sucks. But you just got to realize that it will happen at some point and you guys got to prepare yourself for that, but don't let it drown your life out.

Speaker 1 39:49

Right. What do you think happens when we die?

Speaker 3 39:58

I don't know honestly. Sure, I believe that you have a good. When you die, your brain is alive for a couple of minutes and it replays the best moments of your life. That's what I believe. But other than afterlife I have zero clue.

Speaker 1 40:19

Yeah Well, you got a lot of time to, yeah, think about it. And and what about you reflect? What do you think? I don't know either. I don't think anyone knows, it's just a great mystery. And, um, I think there's a part of us that lives on. Um, I think we're all the same thing at our core. We're all consciousness, we're all like one soul, um, this sort of energy that is ever present and and in union with all the, the energy that animates everything. I think we are all that. Once our body dies, we just become one with. We are one with that, but there's a part of us that sort of reemer, reemerges with that. Yeah, I don't know, though you know, yeah, I I got. I'm gonna be thinking about that too. Um, what would, uh, your, the 10 year old version of yourself think about? Where you're at right now? He'd be disappointed really.

Speaker 3 41:29

I mean, he'd be proud but he'll be disappointed of how I got here and sucks. That my younger self would be disappointed in myself. But, um, that's what I believe that my younger self would feel if he saw how I got to this point. Um, cause, I know my younger self was always like frick vape and all that stuff. And then I got into it and then it's just like kind of sucks and my younger self would 100% be disappointed in how I got here and it sucks. But that's just what I believe is how my younger self would feel right now how I got here.

Speaker 1 42:21

Thank you for sharing, of course, what do you love most about yourself?

Speaker 3 42:30

The fact that I give multiple chances, and I'm a big because I'm a big like I'll give you multiple chances. I don't give up on someone right away. I will give you multiple chances. I don't give up on someone right away. I will give you multiple chances until you prove to me that you're not changing, and that's something that I'm really proud of and that I'm not just like, if you mess up once you're out of my life. I'm a big, big guy on giving chances. That's probably the most thing that I'm really proud of myself for chances, that's probably the most thing.

Speaker 1 43:06

I'm, like, really proud of myself. For what if, say, you're on your deathbed and you lived a nice long life, nice, long, beautiful life. Everything unfolded the way that you wanted and you're just, you're whole, you're in harmony, fully fulfilled, ready to transition into into death? What? What about the life? What is the the most important thing in this equation of life that led you to that fulfillment? What do you think will make your life complete when you do reach the end, if you were to just like choose one thing?

Speaker 3 43:49

um, living out my dream life and just the moving out into like the woods, have a bunch of property, have like a nice house, marry a dream girl and then have kids and that being in my dream house and like my dream property and all that would complete my life and doing my dream job. That would complete my life and doing my dream job that would complete my life. Um, that's just living where I want to live, where I'm old, when I'm older, will complete my life 100 percent nice dude.

Speaker 2 44:38

Anything else you want to say to the people or to yourself.

Speaker 1 44:40

Complete my life 100%. Nice dude. Anything else you want to say to the people or to yourself. Anything you want to document here so you can look back on this 30 years later. Anything you want to tell your 50-year-old self.

Speaker 3 44:56

Um, don't keep. Keep on doing the stuff that you were doing when. Keep on doing the dumb, the dumb shit that you're, that you're doing now. Keep on doing it. Keep on having fun. Keep on living the thrill of life. Don't give up on anything. And if you're, if you get into a divorce for some, for some reason, don't give up. Win her back.

Speaker 1 45:29

Sage advice, anything you want to say to the people, your friends that may be listening, or any people around your age or anyone in general.

Final Advice and Contact Information

Speaker 3 45:39

Quit nicotine, quit all the um drugs, quit everything. You will 100 feel a hundred times better. Just quit. I know that you guys probably don't believe me, but it makes your mental health and just the way you feel a hundred times better. Just get rid of that addictive substances in your life. Drop the people that you know are fake. Get rid of the bad stuff in your life. Find peace in what you like. Don't let anyone else tell you what you should or what you shouldn't do. Do what you want to do and do what you are meant, what you were put on this earth to do.

Speaker 1 46:30

Couldn't think of a better way to end it by capping off with that, all right. Well, let the people know where they can find you if they want to reach out, you can find me.

Speaker 3 46:41

if they want to reach out, you can find me on TikTok, instagram. Let me pull my Instagram real quick. You can always tag me. You can find me on Instagram at JJH42009, jonathan Hilgendorf. You can find me on TikTok. It's just Johnny. Uh, all uppercase.

Speaker 1 47:07

And yeah, peace out y'all.

Speaker 3 47:09

See you later.