SOUND: Opening theme music
NAZZY
Wilzerlott episode 3
EXT. ENCHANTED FOREST
SOUND: forest ambience
SOUND: horse clops on soft ground
YEMILINA
We are approaching the humble home of Teloopa, fair cave people. She lives in this enchanted forest and she is sitting outside her cottage with her cauldron–
SIR JP
It's distracting to bother about your audience in the middle of a mission, Princess. Surely we can document this after it's over.
YEMILINA
Don't fret, Sir JP. If you should find me distracting, I shall remind you that you're here to wave your sword about and frighten that lovely woman into admitting she cursed the kingdom.
SOUND: bubbling of a potion
SOUND: frog croaks
SOUND: insects buzzing
SOUND: dismount
SOUND: footsteps on forest ground
SIR JP
Teloopa, daughter of the Sorceress–
TELOOPA
I am a sorceress. You needn't mention my mother – dragon slayer, son of a peasant. Slay your dragon and be gone.
SIR JP
I have not come chasing dragons.
TELOOPA
Oh, but then you are trespassing. I only allow knights in my backyard on official dragon slaying business.
YEMILINA
Do let him stay a while. He'll come in useful if a dragon should happen along.
TELOOPA
Are you Princess Yemilina? I thought we'd lost you.
YEMILINA
I'm back.
SIR JP
I want to know what you have been up to in the past few days, Sorceress.
TELOOPA
Harvesting potion ingredients – frog fluids mainly. Everything that leaks and oozes from them.
YEMILINA
You do seem to have quite a lot of frogs in your yard.
TELOOPA
They love eating bugs around here. They won't shut up about them.
SOUND: louder frog croaks
TELOOPA
(yelling over noise)
Yes, yes, I know! Quit croaking so loud! You've feasted so much, you ought – oh, where's my staff? There!
SOUND: magic staff
SOUND: muffled frog croaks
TELOOPA
You ought to be bursting your bellies, you noisy brats. It would give me more to work with.
SIR JP
What type of potion requires the bodily fluids of frogs?
TELOOPA
Don't know yet. Hoping to invent an irresistible tree sauce that will turn dragons vegetarian.
YEMILINA
You see? She didn't do it.
TELOOPA
Do what?
YEMILINA
Curse the kingdom.
SIR JP
I was planning to be more subtle with that, Princess.
TELOOPA
(flattered)
You think I cursed the kingdom of Wilzerlott? The whole kingdom?
YEMILINA
Of course we don't think you'd hurt anyone. Sir JP is prejudiced against you because of a little vengeance hiccup between your mother and one of his relatives. I know you–
TELOOPA
I cursed the kingdom. I did it all by myself. No one helped me.
SIR JP
You are confessing to me? When you know I report directly to the Queen? You can't want to be locked up in a castle dungeon for the rest of your life.
TELOOPA
Ah, but only I can tell you how to break my curse. It's very complicated. Three curse-defying tasks. The last one of which even I won't know until the jobs are done.
YEMILINA
Oh, please, Teloopa, it is sure to go better for you with my mother if you tell us the two you know up front.
TELOOPA
Let's see...first, Sir JP must transform the fluffiest thing in his life into an unrecognizable version of itself. Second, he must insult every adorable creature he meets in the Enchanted Forest until he can successfully goad one into revealing its secret weapon. When – and only when – he has accomplished both these things, the stars will spell out for my eyes only exactly what he must do last.
SIR JP
That sounds time consuming and suspiciously fun for you to make me do.
YEMILINA
Must it be a fluffy thing only from Sir JP's life? I'm sure I have far fluffier possessions than he. Will it make much difference how fluff–
SIR JP
What exactly does the curse do to people, Teloopa?
TELOOPA
You obviously have some idea what my curse does, or you wouldn't be here worrying about it.
SIR JP
Can you tell me about it anyway?
TELOOPA
Of course.
SIR JP
What does it do?
TELOOPA
It destroys people.
SIR JP
By what method?
TELOOPA
(dramatic)
Death.
SIR JP
Executed how?
TELOOPA
My curse...boils...people's innards until they are empty skin sacks.
SIR JP
It turns people so sappy they feed themselves to dragons just to make the dragon happy.
TELOOPA
Ah, yes. Some of them. The boiling innards are coming out at the end. For those who survive the first part I absolutely knew about.
SIR JP
I don't believe you.
SOUND: sword unsheathed
SIR JP
Tell us the truth.
TELOOPA
(whining)
It could still be me. I'm very powerful. Who's to say I haven't subconsciously cursed the kingdom in my sleep? That's a plausible reason for not having conscious knowledge of my villainy.
YEMILINA
Teloopa, I am surprised at you! If you are innocent of causing this terrible curse, why seek credit for it?
TELOOPA
No one will remember me for being innocent. They barely even remember my mother for cursing a handful of people.
YEMILINA
You should be remembered for heroic deeds, like Sir JP!
TELOOPA
Oh, sure, he's got brute strength to fall back on. Do you know how many magic users manage to make the breakthrough that marginally improve our chances of surviving dragon attacks? Twenty-two percent. If I am seventy-eight percent of magic users, I'm doomed to be unimportant. Cursing the kingdom would be–
SIR JP
It is already cursed.
TELOOPA
(sulking)
Someone else thought of it first.
SIR JP
You have wasted our time. We'll be going now.
SOUND: sword sheathed
SOUND: knight moves through foliage
YEMILINA
Oh, sorry, Teloopa. He's a bit rude sometimes.
TELOOPA
He doesn't seem cursed with sap.
YEMILINA
I kissed him the day he was born. It's made him immune.
TELOOPA
How about you?
YEMILINA
Sir JP believes I am cursed from time to time, but it wears off.
SIR JP
We must be going, Princess.
SOUND: retreating footsteps
SOUND: following footsteps
SOUND: frog croaks fade out completely
TELOOPA
Bet you're wrong about the whole thing. I haven't felt the least bit unnatural sappiness and the princess never kissed me. She was still lost in time when I was born. Thanks a lot, by the way, for nothing but rotten luck my entire life.
YEMILINA
I'm sorry!
SOUND: running footsteps
TELOOPA
(angry, panting)
No, you're not! You're a royal pain in the ass and you only pretend to care about people. Both of you are–
SOUND: magic bug bite
TELOOPA
(cheerful)
Welcome, Sir JP! Princess Yemilina, how wonderful to finally make your acquaintance!
SOUND: horse whinny
TELOOPA
Let me look after your horse, while you make yourselves comfortable by my hearth.
SIR JP
The sound! We must follow that sound!
YEMILINA
Do you mean that zingy sound right before Teloopa became surprisingly hospitable?
SIR JP
Yes, for once you've heard it. Your head is still clear. Let's go.
TELOOPA
Oh, uh, I'll put the kettle on for tea. Uh, would you care for crumpets? Some homemade honey?
SOUND: horse whinny
TELOOPA
Does your horse want some, too? Uh, maybe I'll mix oats with his.
YEMILINA
Another time, Teloopa. We're, uh, off for a casual gallop. Nothing alarming.
SOUND: mounting horse
SOUND: galloping horse
SOUND: distant magic bug buzzing
SOUND: dismount
SOUND: unsheathed sword
SOUND: footsteps
YEMILINA
Perhaps we should stay on your horse. It may be a curse that moves slower than horses. A legged curse low to the ground.
SIR JP
I want full manoeuvrability of my sword.
SOUND: sword swipe
YEMILINA
You thought before that this curse was gaseous and you can't slash at that.
SIR JP
Legged or gaseous, I prefer to be armed. Listen. Do you hear that sound?
SOUND: magic bug buzzing growing louder
YEMILINA
I hear it.
SIR JP
It's coming from that direction.
YEMILINA
Right behind you.
SOUND: footsteps
SOUND: magic bug bite
YEMILINA
(singing)
Ohhhh...I wish we'd stayed for crumpets
And homemade honey!
How very rash to miss out on that–
I see a fluffy bunny!
SIR JP
Stop singing. I can't hear the sound!
YEMILINA
(singing)
I feel just as fluffy!
Fluffy, light and sunny–
SIR JP
Quiet! What is that...what is...the sound...it's going into the cave...
INT. MAGIC BUG HIVE
SOUND: magic bug buzzing
SIR JP
This isn't a cave...we're in some kind of...hive.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Cave full of glowing bugs
Dripping golden sap...
What long, drippy stingers
All these beautiful bugs have!
SOUND: magic bug bites
YEMILINA
Glowy buggy...
(singing dissolves in hysterical laughter)
SOUND: magic bug bites
SIR JP
These bugs are injecting sap into you! Your veins must be flooded!
SOUND: vivicord
SOUND: magic bug bites
SOUND: rapid string of cheerful bird sounds
YEMILINA
(laughing hysterically)
They're stinging the vivicord, too! Oh, it sounds so happy! It must be playing all the happiest bird songs it ever recorded. Do you – do you think the cave people will find that confusing?
SIR JP
I don't care what they think! We have to get out of here.
SOUND: sword hacking insect hive
SOUND: multiple magic bug bites
YEMILINA
(laughing hysterically)
Why aren't you laughing? Sap stingers are all over you, but you're not laughing!
SIR JP
The bugs aren't lingering on my flesh. They keep flying off of me.
YEMILINA
(laughing hysterically)
Oh, his flesh wants sap, too, mean little bugs! You're hurting Sir JP's feelings.
SIR JP
My feelings are fine!
SOUND: sword hacking insect hive
SIR JP
(roars of exertion)
Uhhgg...God...jeez, it's so sticky!
SOUND: hive breaks
SOUND: forest ambience
YEMILINA
(struggling to control laughter)
Fresh air. Ahhhhhh. Hoooooo, I've lost my mind, haven't I?
SIR JP
Thank you for noticing this time.
YEMILINA
(laughing too hard to speak)
SIR JP
I'll get you far away from here.
SOUND: horse whinny
SOUND: mounting horse
SOUND: vivicord footsteps
SIR JP
We need a new plan. Never mind this vivicord. You don't have to talk to cave people in your condition.
YEMILINA
(talking through hysterical laughter)
Farewell, fair listeners. Faraway fair cavers. Thank you for listening. If we are not tickled to pieces by dragons, you shall soon hear―
SIR JP
Goodbye!
SOUND: sword swipe
SOUND: vivicord yelps
SOUND: vivicord cuts out
SOUND: Closing theme music