SOUND: opening theme music
EXT. BARREN LAND
SOUND: Time Travel
SOUND: Vivicord starting up
NAZZY
Ah, the vivicord came along nicely that time. Hem-hem...welcome to the fifth instalment of our documentary, dear cave people of the future. I have just pinpointed the moment I saw a wizard wiping out the remains of Wilzerlott, leaving no trace of us for you to discover in your time.
SOUND: footsteps
SOUND: vanishing spells
SOUND: wall crumbling
SOUND: magic bugs buzzing
NAZZY
Hello! I believe you are the last survivor of Wilzerlott?
SOUND: cloak whipping back
WIZARD
Nazzy? I thought you died.
NAZZY
I expect I did. I'm a time traveller.
WIZARD
Ah, yes. I remember that unfortunate quality of yours now. You explore countless times at will, do you not? Why don't you know of this time and of your own demise?
NAZZY
I'm a bit sporadic about learning the future. Prefer not to know the exact details of my own death, to be honest.
WIZARD
Understandable. Be gone from this wretched end of existence and enjoy the past.
SOUND: cloak whipping back
NAZZY
Actually, I'd like to learn more about the end of existence.
SOUND: vanishing spells
SOUND: wall crumbling
NAZZY
I located this moment by following a strong pull of significance in the timeline. I must admit that my awareness of precisely when I jumped to got blurry. What is the date today?
WIZARD
(darkly)
You don't want to know.
SOUND: vanishing spells
SOUND: magic bugs buzzing
NAZZY
But I do. I want to know everything, in general. For the kingdom's sake. I notice the sap bugs are still here. Are they to blame for--?
WIZARD
That damn sap destroyed us all! Left us no fighting chance against the dragons or even the pathetically tiny invading army.
NAZZY
The little people Wenoburt found in the mouse hole?
WIZARD
They call themselves the EEK!
NAZZY
That was just a short scream.
WIZARD
No, the name of the tiny people who look just like fairies with no wings is EEK. We asked them once, and they told us. Our kingdom was temporarily free of sap-blindness back then. What a horrible time that was to be a fairy. People would sooner attack a resting fairy than check if it had wings.
NAZZY
Have the EEK people enchanted the sap bugs to serve them?
WIZARD
As far as we could tell, the EEK won entire hives over with their charming little personalities. Seems to be a loyalty bond, much like the way some werewolves become fond of certain humans and protect them from dragons.
NAZZY
Or like dogs? Oh, it's a docile descendant of our werewolves. Makes sense they'd evolve to be less monstrous with no dragons to fight. But you know, that could be how the cave people came to believe in the werewolves as part man, part beast. Werewolves are certainly all beast in Wilzerlott, but if you think about it--
SOUND: vanishing spells
SOUND: walls crumbling
NAZZY
I digress. Why are you wiping out all evidence of Wilzerlott? I see you're vanishing everything except dragon bones. Looks like you're not even going to leave those castle ruins standing.
WIZARD
The EEK are from the future. They only targeted us because they discovered our remains and tracked us back to our time. Wiping out evidence of us will prolong our existence.
NAZZY
That can't be right.
WIZARD
I do not intend to understand the time loops and paradoxes which negate everything I just said. You will not explain them to me. If you try, I shall have to kill you.
NAZZY
But you're wrong! The EEK are not from the future.
WIZARD
They must be.
NAZZY
Even if they were, there's no point wiping out our remains. I'm making a documentary about the Kingdom of Wilzerlott, expressly so the future will know of us.
WIZARD
Well, then I must kill you to prevent that transmission.
SOUND: wand zap
SOUND: body jumping aside
NAZZY
Ahh! No! It's already four episodes in. You can't stop it.
WIZARD
Then you have brought about the destruction of the very kingdom you seek to immortalize.
NAZZY
I promise you the EEK do not move through time. On my honour, I would know if they did. They must have originated in my present. Or they were spawned from dark magic. We will find a way to defeat them. We have a knight who is immune to the venom of the loyal sap bugs.
WIZARD
Sir JP, you mean? Ah, yes. A brave knight. I watched him die yesterday. Lasted longer than most.
SOUND: vanishing spells
SOUND: walls crumbling
NAZZY
The future is fluid and ever changing. Tell me exactly what happened in your version of events, so I can--
WIZARD
So you can twist Wilzerlott's future more to your liking? Ha! You are an arrogant fool.
NAZZY
No, not at the moment. That's how I am when the sap bugs bite me.
SOUND: magic bugs buzzing
NAZZY
Why aren't these ones biting us, by the way?
WIZARD
The EEK are off building tiny houses and the sap bugs are supposed to fertilize flowers or some such nonsense. They've no interest in biting now that this land is theirs.
SOUND: vanishing spells
SOUND: walls crumbling
NAZZY
Is it really just you left?
WIZARD
And some werewolves, frogs and birds. Not much else.
NAZZY
What wiped out all the dragons? That sap can't have gotten through their thick hides – even if it could, what hungry mouth would be big enough for them to fly happily into? If there are still werewolves, frogs and birds, the dragons can't have died of starvation either. Why are you disguising their skeletons as ancient dinosaurs instead of erasing them like you're doing to us? And why isn't Queen Augusta here with you? I thought she couldn't be killed.
WIZARD
(sigh)
Fine. I'll tell you everything.
NAZZY
Thank you. Speak clearly into this vivicord, so the cave people listening can get all the answers right now and suffer no drawn out suspense.
SOUND: vivicord stomach rumbling
SOUND: vivicord running
NAZZY
Come back here, vivicord!
SOUND: tree splitting
WIZARD
That vivicord looks famished. When did it last eat?
NAZZY
I don't know.
SOUND: vivicord scratching bark
SOUND: vivicord chewing tree
NAZZY
Come back! We're not done!
WIZARD
I will not waste more time on this documentary of yours. If you want answers, just listen.
NAZZY
I will in a minute!
SOUND: vivicord munching crazily on tree
NAZZY
Come on, stop it! Don't munch so hard on that burnt tree. Calm down! There's a dragon bone under that tree. You'll break your--
SOUND: vivicord breaking teeth
SOUND: vivicord crying in pain
NAZZY
He broke his sound absorber! I'm so sorry, dear listeners. I don't think we can--
SOUND: vivicord cutting out
EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
SOUND: garden ambience
SOUND: footsteps
YEMILINA
(sung words in italics)
I've found a new vivicord recording birds in the gardens, since Nazzy ran off with ours. I am sorry I am not speaking consistently. I seem to be detoxing from sap venom at a very gradual rate. We've lost little Wenoburt the six-year-old bug expert.
SIR JP
We didn't lose him. Your Time Meddler friend dumped him in the castle without procuring a babysitter.
YEMILINA
(sung words in italics)
But as he is most likely out here in the gardens, he should be all right. Chances of getting eaten by a dragon get drastically lower this close to the castle.
SIR JP
Even so, we must find him.
YEMILINA
(sung words in italics)
He sounded worried when Nazzy spoke of his future self getting eaten by a dragon. Do you think it is still troubling him?
SIR JP
It was tactless of her to say it in front of him.
SOUND: rustling
SIR JP
Wenoburt? Is that you?
SOUND: louder rustling
SIR JP
Who goes there?
SOUND: sword being drawn
SIR JP
Show yourself!
SOUND: water sloshing in can
ENELCIA
Don't mind me, Mr. Shining Armour. Just watering some royal flowers.
SOUND: can pouring water
SOUND: fairy magic
SOUND: fairy wings
ROSE
Me too!
SOUND: bottle spraying water
SIR JP
This garden shouldn't need an elf or a fairy to water it. The royal sorcerer can cast daily rain charms for that.
ENELCIA
Not today. He's on strike, because the Queen is making 'unreasonable demands.'
SOUND: fairy wings
ROSE
He stomped his feet a lot.
YEMILINA
(sung words in italics)
Mother make an unreasonable demand? Are you sure? That doesn't sound at all like her.
SIR JP
(laugh)
ENELCIA
Off to slay dragons, are you? I'm not sure you've reached your quota in my neck of the woods. We had all our berry pickers gobbled up last week.
SIR JP
You elves should know better than to pick berries in your own bodies. I thought your magic-users were supplying you with transformation potions.
ENELCIA
Oh, we have transformation potions. I can't speak for the berry pickers, but personally, I use mine to change my infant daughter into a carrot for a few hours at a time. It gives her protection from the dragons; gives me a break from all the nasty cleaning jobs she gives me as an elf baby.
YEMILINA
(sung words in italics)
You look like a young elf. You must have been born while I was lost in time. Pleased to meet you. Forgive my random singing. It's out of my control. What is your name?
ENELCIA
Enelcia.
SOUND: fairy wings
ROSE
And I'm Rose.
YEMILINA
(sung words in italics)
How do you do, Rose? What a mercy you have such beautiful wings to distinguish you. I recently encountered horrid little people in a mouse hole who are exactly your size and I've only just realized they were horrid and had evil laughs and were probably up to no good with that pet sap bug of theirs. Oh! I promise my sap venom really is wearing off. The singing will stop. I promise!
ENELCIA
I don't mind.
SOUND: can pouring water
ROSE and ENELCIA
(singing)
Pickle, fig or cucumber
What salad would best deter
Dragons nibbling pointy ears
Justifying childish fears
Come, come, children, be carrots
You're too meaty as ferrets.
SOUND: can pouring water
ENELCIA
(singing)
Pickle, fig or cucumber
What salad would best deter
Dragons nibbling pointy ears
Justifying childish fears
Come, come, children, be carrots
You're too meaty as ferrets.
SIR JP
You've been bitten by a dangerous sap bug which has forced you to express yourself in song.
ENELCIA
What bugs? I just like singing.
SOUND: water sloshing in can
SOUND: can pouring water
YEMILINA
(sung words in italics)
We can do that? I thought it was too questionable in these sap-riddled times. Makes one look contagious.
SIR JP
You should not start singing if you don't absolutely have to. It can't be good for your recovery.
YEMILINA
But why fight it when it's a duet? Oh, I do have my mind back now! I feel it! I can sing freely!
SIR JP
That's not right. If you were truly free of sap venom, you would feel the crushing depression I feel about the state of the kingdom.
ENELCIA & YEMILINA
(singing)
Pickle, fig or cucumber
What salad would best deter
Dragons nibbling pointy ears
Justifying childish fears
Come, come, children, be carrots
You're too meaty as ferrets.
SIR JP
What about Wenoburt?
YEMILINA
Oh, yes.
(singing:)
Come, come, Wenoburt!
ENELCIA
(singing)
Come, come, Wenoburt!
SOUND: water sloshing in can
ENELCIA
Who's Wenoburt?
YEMILINA
Bug expert from the past.
SOUND: running footsteps
YEMILINA
Here he comes now!
SOUND: running footsteps
SOUND: rustling
WENOBURT
Hello, elf. Hello, fairy.
ENELCIA
Well, aren't you just the cutest time-displaced thing I ever did see.
SOUND: fairy wings
ROSE
Eww, your fingernails are so dirty!
SIR JP
No more running off, Wenoburt. Stay close to me. Stay quiet so I will not be distracted from protecting you and almost irritated enough not to do so.
WENOBURT
Okay, grumpy knight.
YEMILINA
I hope you're not still upset about that dragon destined to eat you? Nazzy says the future is always changing, so you never know.
WENOBURT
I'm very old when I get eaten, is that right?
YEMILINA
Twenty-three.
WENOBURT
That is so old! I'm not upset.
SOUND: Time Travel
YEMILINA
Hello, Nazzy. How are the cave people of the future?
NAZZY
I didn't go that far ahead.
YEMILINA
Oh, when did you go?
NAZZY
You remember how I said that we're wiped out before the time of those cave people? A last remaining wizard erases all traces of our existence?
YEMILINA
Yes. Somewhere between now and a million years from now, isn't it?
NAZZY
Uh...it's closer to one end of that time span than the other.
YEMILINA
Will we perish one hundred thousand years from now?
NAZZY
A bit sooner than that.
SIR JP
How much sooner?
NAZZY
Well...
SIR JP
Talk!
SOUND: footsteps
SOUND: water sloshing in can
NAZZY
Eight months from now.
YEMILINA, WENOBURT, ENELCIA and ROSE
(overlapping panicked exclamations)
SIR JP
Aw, man...figures.
SOUND: vivicord cutting out
SOUND: vivicord starting up
YEMILINA
(deadly whisper)
Farewell, cave people of the future. Thank you for listening.
If we are not killed by dragons...or...by anything else...
You shall soon hear more. Wish us luck!
SOUND: closing theme music