SOUND: opening theme music
INT CAVE
SOUND: cave ambience
SOUND: slow drips
SOUND: footsteps
YEMILINA
Hello, fair listeners. We finally got our vivicord to start absorbing sound again. He had a long nap after he ate one of the trees Teloopa covered in irresistible frog gut sauce. Now I am in a cave with Nazzy and Sir JP. Teloopa escaped the dragons, and she managed to transport little Wenoburt with her to her magically reinforced cottage. She said it wasn't a strong enough transport spell to save us all, but given how she blew up my entire castle, I'd say her spells are plenty strong. It's more likely she didn't want the grownups crowding into her small home.
NAZZY
I hope she's not stuck babysitting too long. I'm sure she'd rather be fine-tuning her tree sauce. It didn't make the dragons eat trees, did it?
SOUND: footsteps with armour clanking
SIR JP
I don't like this cave. It's too bright. We're sitting ducks for dragons.
NAZZY
But the sap bugs didn't see us go in, so they're not likely to go zipping between rocks in search of us.
SIR JP
They may have other means of detecting their victims. Smell. Body heat.
NAZZY
Well, there's no sense guessing. If it turns out we can't hide from them as we would from dragons, I'll fetch an older version of Wenoburt to come and educate us.
SIR JP
You've done enough meddling with the bug expert.
NAZZY
Then I'll fetch a different expert. I'm just saying we'll figure it out.
SIR JP
Are you sure you weren't bitten?
NAZZY
I am not sap-confident. I'm doubting everything I say right after I say it.
SOUND: rocks shifting
NAZZY
I'm just going to clear a bigger spot to stretch out.
SOUND: rocks shifting
YEMILINA
Don't get too comfortable, Nazzy. I need you to do some snooping.
NAZZY
What? When?
SOUND: distant dragon wings flapping
SOUND: footsteps with armour clanking
SOUND: distant dragon roar
SIR JP
The dragons who survived are fanning out. They're still hungry. I hope that elf had the sense to turn her whole family into carrots.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Pickle, fig or cucumber...
SIR JP
Where is it?
SOUND: sword unsheathed
SIR JP
Damn bugs! Where's the one that bit you?
YEMILINA
I'm fine. It's like Enelcia said. I just enjoy singing.
SOUND: sword sheathed
SIR JP
Can't you enjoy it after we've eliminated the sap bugs? When it no longer signals to me that you've been poisoned? It's confusing to hear normal singing.
YEMILINA
You mean you hate my singing.
SIR JP
I hate being confused.
YEMILINA
I sang to you when you were a baby. You had music in your heart back then.
SIR JP
This isn't about my heart. It's a practical request.
YEMILINA
I sing when I want to!
NAZZY
Uh, did you still want me to do some snooping? Past or future?
YEMILINA
Past. Spy on my mother.
NAZZY
Your mother! Why?
YEMILINA
Because she didn't come out of the castle when it blew up. I didn't see her in the ruins. I want to know where she was.
SIR JP
The Queen is frequently away from the castle on business.
YEMILINA
Ha! Business she never speaks of to anyone. What is she hiding? You were knighted by her, I know; you won't put a toe out of line to find out. I, on the other hand, was only birthed by her and am therefore under no obligation whatsoever to be considerate of her feelings. Nazzy and I will unearth her dirty little secret. Won't we, Nazzy?
NAZZY
But I can't just jump to the Queen if I don't know where she is. I need to know when she'll be--
YEMILINA
She'll be in the castle doing something significant.
NAZZY
But right before the castle blew up, she wasn't in it.
YEMILINA
Not right before. Further back. Follow a pull in the timeline. You said it pulls with significance.
NAZZY
Uh...yes...sort of. I could try.
SIR JP
Princess, you may be lashing out at your mother solely to distract yourself from self-reflection. If I may be so bold, you were not entirely faultless in this unnecessary destruction of your castle.
NAZZY
It was at least half your fault, Princess.
YEMILINA
That's what I love about you, Nazzy. According to you, when I command magic users to perform unprecedented miracles, I still get away with only half the blame. I think I'll grant you a blame reduction -- 40% your fault for losing me in time for thirty-one years.
NAZZY
Thank you?
SIR JP
Do you want to talk about it?
YEMILINA
About what? My destructive impulses? My guilt? No! Not until I have irrefutable evidence that my mother has made worse mistakes.
SIR JP
I am not measuring you against anyone. I'm just...here...if you need me.
YEMILINA
I need you to tell the cave people of the future more about you. This documentary is supposed to be focused on you – Wilzerlott's longest-surviving dragon slayer. We barely talk about you at all.
SIR JP
I never agreed to be in your documentary. You just keep recording me.
YEMILINA
Then why not tell me to stop?
SIR JP
You're the Princess.
YEMILINA
Pretend I am not. What would you say to me? Say it!
SIR JP
Stop recording me.
YEMILINA
(frustrated sigh)
He said that to Nazzy, fair listeners. He looked right at her and said it to her. Not to me. Until you can say it to me, you're in our documentary!
SIR JP
I will sit on this rock and say nothing interesting.
YEMILINA
Fine.
SIR JP
Fine.
YEMILINA
Fine!
SIR JP
Fine!
YEMILINA
(pouty)
Fine.
SIR JP
(sigh)
YEMILINA
(stormy sigh)
SOUND: slow drips in cave
NAZZY
I'll bring the vivicord with me, in case the Queen's past is more exciting.
SOUND: Time Travel
INT CASTLE
SOUND: Vivicord starting up
SOUND: footsteps
NAZZY
Okay, I'm inside the castle. It's in great repair – this is quite a while ago. I'm just outside the throne room and there's no one around. Probably because it's late. It looks dark outside the window.
SOUND: soft footsteps
NAZZY
Oh, what a pretty little girl! She's just adorable in her little nightgown, all tousle haired and rosy cheeked. She shouldn't be up at this time of night. Who is she? Not the Queen...I'm not that long ago...She sees me. She's coming to see me. Uh – hi there!
CHILD YEMILINA
I am Princess Yemilina. Who are you?
NAZZY
Hi there, little Yemilina. I'm Nazzy. We're going to be friends when you're older.
CHILD YEMILINA
Are you a time traveller?
NAZZY
That's right. What are you doing out of bed?
CHILD YEMILINA
I want to watch mommy. She's playing with dark magic.
NAZZY
Your mother played with dark magic? You never told me that!
CHILD YEMILINA
I just told you.
NAZZY
Yes, but you might have mentioned it to me later...don't you remember this conversation? Perhaps not. You look about four years old. Perhaps you remember this like it was a game or a dream. Umm...where is your mommy?
CHILD YEMILINA
Behind her throne. Come see.
SOUND: footsteps
SOUND: magic mirror
CHILD YEMILINA
There!
NAZZY
Shh!
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Just tell me how to do it. I'll do it with or without your guidance.
NAZZY
Who is she talking to? I don't see anyone with her.
CHILD YEMILINA
She's talking to the man inside her magic mirror.
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Speak up, Your Worship. I can hardly hear you.
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
No, we cannot do this in person. I only speak to spiritual leaders through mirrors. I am the most powerful in all the land and I need magic mirrors to tell me that whenever I talk to other powerful people. If such people show themselves in person, I become consumed with jealousy and hate. It's a self-esteem curse my family has lived with for generations. Can't be helped.
SOUND: clinking bottles
SOUND: uncorked bottle
SOUND: sprinkling powders
SOUND: pouring liquid
SOUND: fizzing
NAZZY
That really does look like dark magic. She's got some of the tell-tale ingredients strewn about, some of the darkest conjuring symbols spread over the floor...almost as if she's opening a...a gateway to another world.
SOUND: disturbance in the air
SOUND: portal opening
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Yes. Yes! Come to me, devilish fiends! Come! Come, and spread your horror!
SOUND: sap bugs buzzing
SOUND: sap bug bite
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(giddy)
Is this a universal symptom? Laughter?
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Oh, stop trying to talk to me, Your Worship. You're mumbling. I need to speak to my mirror.
SOUND: magic mirror
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Mirror, Mirror, in my haste,
How many dragons will I lay to waste?
MAGIC MIRROR
None.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What? These other-worldly insects are to spread a lethal pus disease that will affect the dragon population!
MAGIC MIRROR
Pus Bugs would, but your spell was too tense,
It is Sap Bugs you have conjured hence.
SOUND: sap bugs buzzing
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Send them back!
SOUND: magic mirror
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Not you, you stupid mirror! Your Worship, speak up now...what's that?
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What do you mean you can't send the bugs back?
SOUND: sap bug bite
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(giddy)
These things won't hurt dragons; they're only making me weak with glee! Tell me how to send them back at once!
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Yes...yes, alright, I'm doing that.
SOUND: clinking bottle
SOUND: sprinkling powders
SOUND: tapping
SOUND: flame thumps
SOUND: force field
QUEEN AUGUSTA
That didn't get rid of them, Your Worship. Now they're trapped in a pocket dimension behind my throne. How long will that hold them?
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What? What use is that! Would daily wreaths of fresh herbs help?
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I don't care if it's unproven. You will give me a superstitious alternative or I will keep wreaths behind my throne from now on!
SOUND: footsteps
QUEEN AUGUSTA
You must tell me how to conceal them. No one can know they're there.
SOUND: magic mirror
SOUND: indistinct mumbling
QUEEN AUGUSTA
That would be temporary, too? Unacceptable! You will find a way to conceal them forever.
SOUND: footsteps
NAZZY
She's coming this way! She'll see me.
CHILD YEMILINA
Do you want to hide from mommy? Play hide and seek. I'll tell her to count.
NAZZY
Please don't. Don't tell mommy I was here. I'm your imaginary friend. I'm going to vanish now.
CHILD YEMILINA
Okay. Bye!
SOUND: time travel
EXT CAVE
SOUND: sap bugs buzzing
NAZZY
Whoa! Why did you leave the cave? You've exposed the Princess to sap bugs out there.
SIR JP
We got hungry. She wouldn't stay put.
YEMILINA
Only one bug bite so far. I am proving to Sir JP that I can stop myself singing when it's only (sung:) one bite...!
I can!
NAZZY
Was I gone that long? I meant to pop right back at the point you kept saying 'fine!' and huffing big sighs at each other.
SIR JP
You failed!
NAZZY
I'm sorry!
YEMILINA
(giggly)
We were living in a cave, Nazzy! Like the cave people of the future. How do they do it? It's so boring. Nazzy, go ask them how they do it.
NAZZY
I better have a nap and do that jump later. My time-travelling muscles seem to be straining. Lots of demands on them lately.
YEMILINA
Ah, yes, my demand. What did you find out about my mother?
NAZZY
She might have accidentally spawned these sap bugs long ago -- a dark magic conjuring gone wrong.
YEMILINA
I knew it!
NAZZY
You did?
YEMILINA
I knew nothing, but I knew it was something like that!
SOUND: shifting bags
NAZZY
At least you got some food. Here, I'll help carry all that.
SOUND: sap bugs buzzing
SIR JP
Back to the cave! Run!
SOUND: running footsteps
YEMILINA
(panting)
We'd better break here, fair listeners. Now that Nazzy's back and we've got a few days' worth of food to keep us out of trouble. We'll be leaving the vivicord outside the cave to find its own food, so we won't be recording for a while.
SIR JP
Less talking; more running!
SOUND: running footsteps
YEMILINA
(panting)
When we do resume recording, Nazzy and I will be answering your questions.
NAZZY
Not those questions from listeners who think we live behind microphones in the caves of a land called Canada.
YEMILINA
Oh no, not those. Anything you'd like to know about Wilzerlott. All its fascinating people and creatures.
SOUND: sap bug bite
YEMILINA
(singing)
It's a great time to pause our documentary
And answer all your queries
About peasants, royalty, gentry...
Trolls, witches and fairies...
SOUND: multiple sap bug bites
YEMILINA
(giggling uncontrollably)
SIR JP
Inside the cave now!
SOUND: rocks shifting
SOUND: slowed footsteps
SOUND: cave ambience
SOUND: slow drips
YEMILINA
(giggling uncontrollably)
NAZZY
I don't think she's too articulate right now. I'd better do this.
Farewell, cave people of the future. Thank you for listening.
You can send any questions you have to wilzerlott@gmail.com
If you send them by April 9 2022 – your time – we'll answer them in our next instalment. Feel free to email just to let us know you're enjoying this, too.
If we are not devoured by dragons, you shall hear some answers on April 16th. Wish us luck!
SOUND: closing theme music