SOUND: Opening theme music
NAZZY
Wilzerlott episode 1
INT. PEASANT COTTAGE
SOUND: Rocking cradle
YEMILINA
(Singing)
Rockabye baby boy, born safe at home,
May dragons refrain from gnawing your bones,
May life bring you joy and go by in years,
You’ve almost survived your first whole day here!
(kiss)
SOUND: Baby gurgles
SOUND: Door opening
YEMILINA
What are you doing, Nazzy?
NAZZY
Don’t mind me. Carry on.
SOUND: Vivicord
SOUND: Gasps
SOUND: Running footsteps
SOUND: Door closing
YEMILINA
Nazzy! You’ve frightened away that lovely peasant family. Thank goodness I’d already kissed their new baby on his sweet forehead. You almost doomed little JP to a luckless life! Why did you have to bring that vivicord in here?
NAZZY
How was I to know a sound-absorbing creature from right now in the kingdom of Wilzerlott would frighten the peasants? I was careful not to alarm them with future gadgets – they have artificial means of capturing sound in the future, you know.
YEMILINA
Vivicords destroy people’s reputations, Nazzy. Take the beast back to its forest at once.
NAZZY
I promise, Princess, no one in Wilzerlott shall ever hear my recordings. I am taking them one million years into the future.
YEMILINA
(gasp)
You’ve travelled one million years into the future? Ohhh! Is the Earth simply scorched to a cinder with the collective breaths of dragons by then? What do they eat once the human race is wiped out?
NAZZY
As a matter a fact, there are no dragons at all in the future.
YEMILINA
None at all? What a mercy! The world must be teeming with dragon slayers then? Knights? Sorcerers? Witches and wizards?
NAZZY
There is no magic either. A new breed of human live in caves and draw pictures on the walls.
YEMILINA
How funny! It must be a peaceful sort of life. With nothing to eat you and no one to curse you. Will you go live in that future?
NAZZY
Oh, I prefer dragons and magic for the long term, myself. They’re rather fond of killing each other with clubs, the cave people.
YEMILINA
How horrid! Don’t they feel lucky to live in peace after so many generations before them had a quarter of their populations devoured by dragons?
NAZZY
They know nothing of dragons. The last survivor of Wilzerlott was a wizard. He stripped the wings off dragon corpses and aged their remains, hiding them alongside all those ancient dinosaur skeletons.
YEMILINA
You mean to say that one million years from now there is no proof at all of dragons’ existence?
NAZZY
Nor of our existence, princess. The wizard wiped out our remains entirely. I don’t know why. I haven’t spoken to him yet. In any case, I thought it would be fun to start making a documentary, so I can bring our story to the future to share with the cave people.
YEMILINA
Oh, it sounds marvellous! Is that vivicord still absorbing sound?
NAZZY
Every word we say.
YEMILINA
(louder) Dear cave people of the future…(quieter) Nazzy, are you sure they will be able to understand me? If they’ve been evolving for less than a million years, they can’t be up to our level, can they?
NAZZY
I might take our documentary slightly further ahead, to find the best audience.
YEMILINA
How much further ahead? Should I speak differently to them? Will they be much more advanced?
NAZZY
Not much more. Their clubs are a bit louder. Shoot bits of metal into you.
YEMILINA
Right. Hem hem, fair cave people of the future, I am Princess Yemilina, and it is my sacred duty to kiss every newborn baby in the kingdom on the day of his or her birth to ensure a long and lucky life for that baby. We make babies as quickly as we can here in Wilzerlott, because the dragon population is sure to overwhelm ours any year now and then we’ll all be goners! We make the most of things while we can. One never knows when one might be snatched up in a dragon’s claw, cooked alive in its breath, and chewed—
NAZZY
I don’t think the cave people will want to hear about what it’s like to get eaten. They’re at the top of their food chain. It might make them uncomfortable.
YEMILINA
Well, fair cave people, if I do get eaten by a dragon, I am sure Nazzy can edit that out for you. I am blessed to have many a brave knight who lays down his flesh for me. Dragons often fill up on knights and they are not hungry by the time they notice me. I suppose we could use more dragon slayers, but with every kiss I give a newborn baby, I might very well be making the best dragon slayer yet. I kiss dozens of new babies every day—
NAZZY
Oh, don’t harp on about the kisses. Germs are a big deal in the future. Mouths spread viruses.
YEMILINA
Viruses? Germs? Princesses don’t have any of that!
NAZZY
All mouths are the same in the future.
YEMILINA
(deep breath)
I shall endeavour to be more sensitive to their culture. Hem hem, we feel a little differently about killing each other, fair cave people. You see, the dragons kill us quite well enough without our helping along our own demise, so it is simply unthinkable to hit each other lethally with clubs of any kind. Even crimes against my father, King David, and my mother Queen Augusta, are punishable only by imprisonment. And of course, the criminals must make babies, too. Birth control is strictly forbidden.
NAZZY
Ooo, I wouldn’t mention that either. Touchy subject in the future.
YEMILINA
Oh, this is no good! You must take me directly to these cave people, so I may speak to them in person.
NAZZY
I-I don’t think I can. Time travel is a rare genetic condition.
YEMILINA
Oh, Nazzy, you’re the most talented time traveller I know. If anyone can take me along, it’s you.
NAZZY
But what if I drop you somewhere?
YEMILINA
You won’t!
NAZZY
Your parents will kill me.
YEMILINA
Don’t confuse the cave people, Nazzy. I just finished telling them we don’t kill each other.
NAZZY
If I lose you, the king and queen will make an exception.
YEMILINA
You won’t lose me. I believe in you. Have faith in yourself. Just do it!
NAZZY
(groaning)
Yemilina…
YEMILINA
Take me to the future!
SOUND: Time travel
SOUND: Marketplace background
YEMILINA
Nazzy? Nazzy, did you move us? We’re still in Wilzerlott. Nazzy, where are you? Oh, you’re not here, are you, Nazzy? Did you drop me, after all? How clumsy of you. When did you drop me then? Let’s see…
SOUND: Vivicord
YEMILINA
Oh, the vivicord came, too. Well, at least the cave people won’t miss out. (hem hem) Fair future humans, I seem to have fallen short of coming to meet you. I may be stuck whenever I am. As Nazzy is not with me, I hope it’s not too far ahead of my own time. Hmmm…
SOUND: Footsteps
SOUND: Hammering
YEMILINA
There’s the blacksmith. That looks the same. The workshop, that is. It isn’t the same blacksmith, but if he was eaten by a dragon, well…that could have happened anytime. It really doesn’t narrow down when I am.
SOUND: Light footsteps
YEMILINA
I say, there’s that lovely peasant couple who just had a baby. I must be close to my time if they’re still alive. Oh…no, I’m wrong. They look older. What incredible good fortune for them, surviving to have grey hairs!
SOUND: Door opening
YEMILINA
They’re going into their cottage. It doesn’t look magically enforced. I don’t think I’ve ever seen peasants this old. I wonder if I am in a time in which the magical community has perfected that dragon-screen lotion. Perhaps we have finally made ourselves so unappetizing that dragons are starving for want of tasty skin!
SOUND: Heavy footsteps
SOUND: Door closing
YEMILINA
Who is that man going into the cottage now? I better peek in the window, fair cave people, for your sake, of course. I am not a nosy princess.
SOUND: Light footsteps
YEMILINA
Oh, it’s a knight! A big burly knight with a great brown beard is visiting the old couple. Perhaps he’s kept them alive. He looks like a dragon slayer. They’re lighting a cake on fire. You may think us wary of fire, dear cave people, because of the way dragons roast us with it. But we like fire on our cakes whenever it’s somebody’s—
BACKGROUND SINGERS
“Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, Sir JP. Happy birthday to you!”
YEMILINA
Sir JP…not sweet baby JP I kissed on the forehead just a few minutes ago? Oh my! That cake has thirty-one candles!
SOUND: Light footsteps
SOUND: Hammering
YEMILINA
I am thirty-one years in the future… (Gasp) What have I done? I am the only princess in Wilzerlott. Every child born for the past thirty-one years has been doomed without my lucky kiss!
SOUND: Transition theme music
EXT. DRAGON NESTS
SOUND: Sword smashing eggs
SOUND: Vivicord
SIR JP
Be gone, vivicord.
SOUND: Sword swing
SOUND: Vivicord yelps
NAZZY
Please, Sir JP, don’t scare it off. It’s recording a documentary to give to future humans. The princess was most dedicated to it.
SIR JP
The princess you lost thirty-one years ago and have failed to find ever since?
NAZZY
(gulp)
Yes, that one.
SIR JP
Be gone, time meddler.
SOUND: Sword swing
NAZZY
(yelp)
She’d want me to carry on recording. You are the longest-surviving dragon slayer in history and the last baby she ever kissed. I think our documentary should be about you.
SIR JP
Why should future humans want to spy on me? Haven’t they got their own dragons to keep them busy?
NAZZY
Oh no, their lives are dreadfully dull. Could you tell them more about what you do?
SIR JP
I smash dragon eggs until the mother dragon comes to smash me. We try to kill each other. I win.
SOUND: Sword swing and smash
NAZZY
How do you and the mother dragon try to kill each other?
SIR JP
Dragon with fire and claws and fangs. Me with my sword.
NAZZY
And…?
SIR JP
And I win. So far.
NAZZY
Yes, but the cave people might have a hard time picturing that battle. Couldn’t you paint, uh, more of a vivid picture?
SIR JP
I don’t paint. I slay.
SOUND: Sword swing and smash
NAZZY
Isn’t it your birthday today? Shouldn’t you be taking the day off?
SIR JP
I ate cake. Now I slay.
SOUND: Sword swing and smash
NAZZY
Ah, here’s a thought: what would you say to the fair cave people of the future who might find it a bit harsh that you keep killing these dragons, when after all the dragons are only hungry and trying to survive?
SIR JP
I’d feed the cave people to the poor hungry dragons.
SOUND: Sword swing and smash
SOUND: Sword sheathed
SOUND: Approaching drago
NAZZY
Ahhh, here she comes! I won’t distract you. I’ll just leave the vivicord, shall I? Dragons don’t eat those.
SOUND: Retreating footsteps
NAZZY
(fading voice)
Feel free to say whatever’s on your mind!
SIR JP
Talk to the future. Hah! What a waste of breath.
SOUND: Sword drawn
SOUND: Dragon lands
SIR JP
I might just as well talk to you before I slit your scaly throat.
SOUND: Dragon fire/roar/heavy footfalls
SOUND: Sword slashing/lighter footfalls
SIR JP
What’s on my mind is all the smiles lately. People smiling in the fields while they make up for half their workforce getting eaten last week.
SOUND: Dragon fire/roar/heavy footfalls
SOUND: Sword slashing/lighter footfalls
SIR JP
I’ve seen beggars smile over pocket lint. The baker smile when his bread burns.
SOUND: Dragon fire/roar/heavy footfalls
SOUND: Sword slashing/lighter footfalls
SIR JP
People at the barber’s getting their teeth pulled…
SOUND: Dragon fire/roar/heavy footfalls
SOUND: Sword slashing/lighter footfalls
SIR JP
…and their broken smiles every bit as wide as yours, you glorified lizard!
SOUND: Sword plunged into dragon
SOUND: Dying groan
SOUND: Heavy thud
SOUND: Sword sheathed
SIR JP
I even saw a man smile whilst your mate was chewing off his legs. It’s not right.
SOUND: Approaching footsteps
NAZZY
(breathless)
The blacksmith has spotted Princess Yemilina! She’s back!
SIR JP
(accusatory)
You’re smiling about it.
NAZZY
Of course!
SIR JP
She’ll be very upset. Douse your smile with tears of remorse.
NAZZY
Oh, she doesn’t hold grudges.
SOUND: Running footsteps
SOUND (slow fade in): Hammering
SOUND: Marketplace background
NAZZY
Welcome back, Princess! I’m so relieved you only went three decades forward.
YEMILINA
Hello, Nazzy! Do you know Sir JP, then? He’s handsome, isn’t he? Not so chubby-cheeked adorable anymore, but very handsome.
SIR JP
Princess, I presume? Pleased to make your acquaintance.
YEMILINA
I’m ever so pleased to meet you again, too! You’ve grown so much in the last few minutes, it’s as if a witch transformed you.
SIR JP
It must be confusing for you. I grew at a normal rate.
YEMILINA
Of course you did. I do understand. How fares my kingdom? I am sorry to have left so many unlucky babies, but I did notice you are a knight and I did hope—
SIR JP
I do what I can, Princess. But I fear a fate worse than dragons may be encroaching upon us.
YEMILINA
Really?
SOUND: Magic bug bite
YEMILINA
(singing)
Look at you grim and big,
Telling of dire fate
When you were such a tiny piggly-wig!
Wait!
Now that you’re thirty-one,
I should be fifty-three,
Does that mean I’m young
Or old inside?
Fee fi foe fum giants still go
Trolls still hide
Fairies throw tantrums
Oh, but how much else is wrong?
I just can’t face the drums
I’d much rather sing this song…
SIR JP
Do you usually sing like that? Out of nowhere for no reason?
YEMILINA
Oh, no. Only lullabies for the babies I kiss.
SIR JP
It must be a curse.
YEMILINA
I quite enjoyed it.
SIR JP
That’s the point of a curse: you blunder blindly along without knowing you’re cursed. That way you can’t do anything about it until it’s too late. It’s a sappiness curse cast upon the whole kingdom!
YEMILINA
What a grump you are! Taking spontaneous song to such a dark place. If there really is a sappiness curse affecting us all, why are you frowning?
SIR JP
I appear to be immune.
YEMILINA
Do you really think so? Oh, that will be because of my lucky kiss! It must have been extra lucky for you to get the last one before my long absence.
SIR JP
Pity you never kissed your own forehead.
YEMILINA
What an excellent idea. Nazzy, take me to the day I was born so I may give my newborn self a kiss.
NAZZY
Oh, no, no, no, no…no way. I can’t do it. I’ll drop you into dinosaur time. I’ll drop you on the meteorite that wiped them out.
YEMILINA
Oh, Nazzy, you mustn’t get hung up on your little mishap last time. You’ll do better if you just try again.
SOUND: Magic bug bite
NAZZY
I will do better. I can do anything I set my mind to. Come along, Princess, I’ll have you by your own cradle in a blink.
SOUND: Time travel interrupted
SIR JP
(growl)
SOUND: Sword swing
NAZZY
Don’t point your sword at me!
SIR JP
There will be no time travel under the influence.
NAZZY
Under the influence of what?
SIR JP
The curse! It’s got you, too!
NAZZY
What nonsense! I’ve never felt better.
SIR JP
That’s the problem. Princess, you must see your parents now. They went to great lengths to ensure they would be here when you reappeared in the future.
YEMILINA
Really? What have they done?
SIR JP
Your father is a ghost and your mother is invincible.
YEMILINA
(gasp)
However did they manage that?
SIR JP
I did not ask. Given their extraordinary circumstances, they might be immune to this curse as well. To the castle! Now!
YEMILINA
Oh, best not dawdle, Nazzy. We’ll play with time paradoxes later.
SOUND: Running footsteps
YEMILINA
Sir JP, we should say goodbye to the cave people. What would you like to say?
SIR JP
(grunt)
YEMILINA
You needn’t speak to them like that. Nazzy is taking this slightly further ahead…oh, he’s pretending he can’t hear me. What a silly man! Anyway...
SOUND: Vivicord
YEMILINA
Farewell, cave people of the future. Thank you for listening. If we are not gobbled up by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck!
SOUND: Closing theme music