SOUND: Opening theme music
NAZZY
Wilzerlott episode 2
INT. CASTLE
SOUND: horse clops & whinny
SOUND: footsteps
SOUND: heavy knocker knocked three times
SOUND: enchanted knocker coming to life
ENCHANTED KNOCKER
Who are you? What do you want?
SIR JP
Enchanted Knocker, we are Sir JP and Nazzy the Time Meddler–
NAZZY
Traveller.
SIR JP
–bringing the Princess to see her parents.
ENCHANTED KNOCKER
You may enter the castle.
SOUND: drawbridge lowering
SOUND: footsteps in a large indoor space
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Yemilina!
YEMILINA
Good afternoon, mother.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
A miraculous afternoon! At last we have caught up to your time! Oh, how we've missed you! Sir JP, how good to see you, too. And...Nazzy the Time Klutz.
NAZZY
Yes, Your Majesty.
SOUND: Vivicord
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What is that vivicord doing here? It should be in its forest recording bird sounds.
NAZZY
Please, Your Majesty, I have employed it to record a documentary of this kingdom for cave people who will live a million years from now.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Future cave people? But wasn't that the very reason Yemilina demanded you carry her through time in the first place?
NAZZY
Your Majesty remembers the princess was demanding. I thank you.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Send the vivicord back to its forest!
YEMILINA
Oh, don't fret, mother. It's great fun to record our personal lives for strangers. Nazzy tells me the cave people do such things routinely. Everything is perfectly fine.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Fine? We didn't know if we'd ever see you again, Yemilina!
SIR JP
She knows not what she says, Your Majesty. I believe her to be under the influence of a sappiness curse.
SOUND: Ghost appearing
KING DAVID
A sappiness curse?
SOUND: Ghost appearing
YEMILINA
(gasp)
Father! Sir JP told me you were a ghost, but I could not picture you so. How wispy and pale you are! I can scarcely make out your beard.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Your father appears in spectral form for significant occasions, Yemilina. I haven't seen him since Sir JP was knighted.
KING DAVID
At last you have rejoined us in our time, daughter. Do you not feel well? What is this sappiness curse of which Sir JP speaks?
YEMILINA
He is a paranoid grump, father. I assure you I am bubbling over with good health. Well to the brim.
KING DAVID
What say you, Sir JP?
SIR JP
It is but a theory, your Majesty. Less than an hour ago, your daughter burst into spontaneous song.
KING DAVID
She's always had a merry heart.
YEMILINA
I hear you are invincible, Mother. To old age as well as injury?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I shall live to meet the cave people a million years from now.
YEMILINA
Impressive! Truth be told, I was about to talk to you about Queen school before I left. The studying was a bit tiresome and the day to apply it to ruling the kingdom felt so far away. I suppose it would be even further away now, with you living forever.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Queen School closed down thirty-one years ago when its only student was lost in time.
YEMILINA
Oh, I am sorry. Will you resurrect it?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
You will resume your education when you are ready.
YEMILINA
Must it be traditional princess education, Mother? I don't want to disappoint you, but I had thought I might plunge into something more immediate and hands on. Dream-weaving, perhaps. The merpeople could teach me how to weave dreams for children. I have yet to do more for the darlings than kiss their newborn foreheads.
KING DAVID
And you have yet to make me a grandfather. I long for the joyous squeals of returnable babies.
YEMILINA
Yes, and how am I to balance baby-making and dream-weaving with Queen School? I'm only wondering if it might be–
QUEEN AUGUSTA
There is no need for you to attend Queen School any longer. Now that I will live forever, the kingdom has no need of a successor to the throne. You are free to explore other options.
YEMILINA
How very considerate of you, mother. Thank–
(Yelling)
No. No, I didn't want that! I wanted to rebel against Queen school. You are ruining my rebellion!
SIR JP
Princess, your voice. The curse must have worn off.
KING DAVID
So soon, Sir JP?
SIR JP
I don't believe your daughter yells while she is enthralled. It may be a weaker curse than I thought, cast by a novice magic user.
KING DAVID
An imp, perhaps.
SIR JP
With all due respect, Your Majesty, it is still beyond an imp's ability. I was thinking of the Sorceress Nolla's daughter. She dabbles in magic but has not her mother's training.
KING DAVID
You underestimate imps, Sir JP. An imp's bad joke is worse than a fairy's temper tantrum.
SIR JP
Nothing is worse than that.
YEMILINA
Mother, how could you! You decided everything for me. Just because I took a little detour into the future, you think you can take over forever without even asking me? Why shouldn't I rule forever if I want to?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
But you don't want to. You said so yourself.
NAZZY
You did say that, Princess. Baby-making? Dream-weaving?
YEMILINA
It doesn't matter what I said! I wasn't here to say it before and you made all my choices for me! I wanted to be involved!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Then you shouldn't have left!
YEMILINA
You shouldn't have become invincible without letting the rest of us in on your secret! Wouldn't every person in the kingdom benefit from surviving dragon attacks?
NAZZY
That does seem only fair, Your Majesty.
YEMILINA
And now you won't even let me–
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I made myself invincible for you, Yemilina, for fear you travelled decades beyond my natural lifespan. It is not repeatable. You'll understand someday.
NAZZY
That does sound wise, Princess. Your mother must know what she's doing.
KING DAVID
Have you a wise instinct about this alleged sappiness curse, my Queen?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Certainly not. That is Sir JP's responsibility.
SIR JP
Your Majesties, the Sorceress Nolla was responsible for the sappiness curse, which affected my own grandfather. He was playing with explosives too near her home, and she cursed him to be self-sacrificially considerate until the end of his days – which came very soon after.
KING DAVID
My condolences.
SIR JP
That is beside the point. It is a cautionary tale we must heed now.
YEMILINA
I still say you're hogging invincibility all to yourself on purpose, because you can't stand the thought of retiring! I was a convenient excuse.
NAZZY
You have always hated the idea of retiring, Your Majesty.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
You are an ungrateful daughter, Yemilina, and I wouldn't make you Queen even if I could die!
NAZZY
You would make an unreliable ruler, Princess.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Yes, and that will only get worse if a sorceress's daughter is targeting her.
KING DAVID
I still say it's an imp.
NAZZY
Probably an imp.
SIR JP
It is not an imp.
NAZZY
Probably not.
YEMILINA
Nazzy, for goodness sake, don't join the arguments if you can't pick a side!
NAZZY
But why argue when I can fix everything? I'll just pop up and down the timeline for a bit. I'll make sure the princess gets her full training and the chance to reject it. If an imp is not to blame for the sappiness curse, I shall twist events until one is and then King David will be right as he always likes to be.
SIR JP
The curse has affected the Time Meddler, Your Majesty. I recommend a freezing spell on her powers until she starts speaking sensibly.
NAZZY
Freeze my powers? Why? What did I do?
KING DAVID
Summon the royal sorcerer to freeze the Time Meddler. Sir JP, investigate this sappiness curse until you have determined its source. Bring your findings to the Queen. Yemilina, go forth and reintroduce yourself to your kingdom. Much has changed in your absence.
SIR JP
Wise orders, Your Majesty.
KING DAVID
Old habit, Sir JP, purely symbolic. I am disappearing now. Queen Augusta will inform you of what is really about to happen. Farewell.
SOUND: Ghost disappearing
YEMILINA
(choked)
Goodbye, father!
SOUND: Ghost disappearing
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Sir JP, you will accompany Yemilina on her travels throughout the kingdom. I want her home for dinner at least twice a week. Not a scratch.
SIR JP
I will see that no harm comes to her, Your Majesty.
NAZZY
Oh no...why I...I fear I have said impertinent things.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I believe you are fabricating this self-awareness so I will not summon the royal sorcerer.
NAZZY
Please, Your Majesty, I promise you I'm not.
SIR JP
The timing is right. She was hit by the sappiness curse shortly after the Princess. It could well be wearing off her, too.
NAZZY
Please let me go, Your Majesty. I must take the first instalment of our documentary to the future.
YEMILINA
Mother, if you freeze Nazzy's powers, I'll never speak to you again.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Be gone, Klutz! Just you this time.
NAZZY
Of course, Your Majesty. I'll leave the vivicord with you, Princess. Finish another instalment for me? I'll pick it up next time.
YEMILINA
Alright, Nazzy. Give my best to the cave people.
NAZZY
I will.
SOUND: Time travel
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Good riddance! I must go now, Yemilina. Urgent business. If I am not here when you come home, send me a message.
SOUND: fading footsteps in a large indoor space
SIR JP
Shall we return to my horse, Princess?
YEMILINA
(subdued)
I suppose so.
SOUND: Vivicord whines
YEMILINA:
Oh, I shall have to feed the vivicord. It's fading out. Let's see...trees...something made from trees...here, eat this wreath. My mother has left it behind her throne; it looks fresh.
SOUND: Crunchy chewing
YEMILINA:
That's a terrible sound. Do stop recording while you're chewing.
SOUND: Vivicord cuts out
EXT. MARKET ROAD
SOUND: marketplace ambience
YEMILINA
(sigh)
I don't recognize any of these people in the marketplace. It isn't just the blacksmith who is different. It's that chandler and that painter...the very man who runs this market looks so young I can't have known him even when I was a child. It breaks my heart how many people don't live to see their children grow.
SIR JP
It's good to see you sad.
YEMILINA
You beast!
SIR JP
The curse was smothering your sorrow. It was unhealthy.
YEMILINA
I still don't think there's a curse. I think you're determined to see problems where none exist. You must thrive on misery.
SIR JP
You wouldn't have started arguing with your mother if the curse hadn't worn off.
YEMILINA
That has to be a curse? Couldn't it have been the joy of seeing my parents wearing off? After all, for me it's only been a day since I last saw them.
SIR JP
The change in your attitude was too abrupt to be natural.
YEMILINA
You don't know me, Sir JP. How do you know I am not naturally abrupt?
SIR JP
Ha, I know your Time Meddler friend. Her overconfidence is unnatural.
YEMILINA
Well, I'm naturally surprising and you can't use my behaviour to justify your silly curse theory.
SIR JP
I imagine you have deeper emotions when you're wholly yourself. You've missed thirty-one years of life in your kingdom. People you love have grown old or died. Have you ever given that any serious thought?
YEMILINA
It...it was strange that I couldn't hug my father. I wish I could have spent his last corporeal years with him. I wish I could have hugged him one last time knowing it was the hug. I wish--
SOUND: Magic bug bite
YEMILINA
(singing)
I could be a prankster or a bard or a wench
Ooooo...I could play forever
Now that I'm benched
I can make bad rhymes and dance in the street
Who's going to tell me I'm tainting legacy?
Mother's our royal face for all to meet
She can work like a dwarf while I kiss babies
Or maybe I'll make them and watch a man raise them
After all I'm still a princess and he'd have to obey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, wrong rhythm there
How liberating not to care...!
SIR JP
What was that sound?
YEMILINA
(singing)
Care...!
SIR JP
No, there was a sound right before you started singing, silly. I heard the same thing last time. I didn't realize.
YEMILINA
It must have been a tuning fork. Curses don't help you sing.
SIR JP
Apparently, this one does – for you, at least. It's what you do when it first hits you. The caster responsible might have left a curse in gaseous form. Invisible bubbles, perhaps, spreading through the kingdom. If you've just had such a thing burst upon you, your sappiness will be most potent right now.
SOUND: small dragon roar
YEMILINA
Oh, that poor little dragon. It looks hungry. Awww, would you like to eat me? Yes, you would. Here you go. I'm a yummy princess, yes, I am.
SIR JP
No! Come back!
YEMILINA
But it's a baby dragon and I'll be such a treat for him! Princesses are sugar and spice and all things delicious.
SIR JP
With brains of sawdust?
YEMILINA
Really? Oh no, do dragons like sawdust? Perhaps they don't. I'd better fill my ears with syrup, so I'll go down easier.
SIR JP
I was insulting your intelligence. You're supposed to be angry.
YEMILINA
Angry? How unpleasant. Why would I–?
SIR JP
Try to remember what it's like to feel angry. You were angry with your mother.
YEMILINA
(voice fading with distance)
Do send her my regards. Perhaps I'll come back as a ghost, too.
SOUND: running footsteps
SOUND: horse whinny
SOUND: horse galloping
SOUND: dragon roaring
SOUND: princess gasping
SOUND: sword swooshing through the air
SOUND: princess flopping onto saddle
SOUND: horse galloping
YEMILINA
You're going the wrong way. That little dragon will be so disappointed if he doesn't get to eat me.
SIR JP
We're going to disappoint him.
YEMILINA
How can you be so unfeeling? Didn't you see how his scaly little face lit up when he saw me?
SIR JP
I saw how his teeth would tear you to shreds if you got any closer.
YEMILINA
Don't be so negative about it. We're all going to die that way someday.
SIR JP
Not today. Not with a smile on my face! I go down fighting.
SOUND: horse galloping
YEMILINA
Where are we going?
SIR JP
To interrogate our top suspect, the Sorceress Nolla's daughter.
YEMILINA
Should we bring something? A muffin basket?
SIR JP
We are bringing something – my sword.
YEMILINA
But that might come off as threatening.
SIR JP
Let us hope so.
YEMILINA
What about the cave people who will listen to this? They'll think us barbarians.
SIR JP
They can stop listening and get on with their own lives.
YEMILINA
(sigh)
That might be best.
SOUND: Vivicord
YEMILINA
Farewell, cave people of the future. Thank you for listening. If we are not shredded by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck!
SOUND: Closing theme music