S1 E8: Cave People Q&A I

While hiding from dragons, Nazzy and Yemilina manage to answer your questions and speculate on unknown aspects of the EEK.

Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina

any questions or comments most welcome at wilzerlott@gmail.com

Transcript

SOUND: opening theme music

INT CAVE

SOUND: cave ambience

SOUND: slow drips

YEMILINA

Hello, cave people of the future and welcome to our first Q&A.

NAZZY

We're living in a cave, ourselves, at the moment. So we're thinking about you a lot.

YEMILINA

You might be bored in your cave, too. I hope a few minutes of deeper discussion can be almost as entertaining for you as our lives in action.

NAZZY

We don't like to be in peril all the time, even though that makes our documentary more exciting.

YEMILINA

What's exciting is that we're communicating with future humans! Go ahead, Nazzy. What have they asked us?

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

Anonymous asks--

YEMILINA

Oh, they don't want to reveal their identity?

NAZZY

No, we're just calling everyone 'anonymous' to make it look like we have more participating listeners than we really do.

YEMILINA

How devious! Edit that out. You gave us away.

NAZZY

I'll try to remember. Anyway, this person asks: what year is it in Wilzerlott?

YEMILINA

It's 844 AD. That stands for 'after dragons.' You see, we had the BD era -- before dragons. Legendary time of surplus humanoid populations. Dragons evolved from lizards and bad spells. Ever since they rocketed to the top of the food chain, we've been living in the AD era.

NAZZY

That doesn't give them any frame of reference for their own calendars though.

YEMILINA

When did you become an expert on their calendars?

NAZZY

I try to learn what I can about them. I believe our present is about sixty-three million years after the dinosaurs were wiped out and about one million years before cave people started walking upright.

YEMILINA

So not one million years before they started drawing pictures in caves? Or are we one million years before they re-invent parchment, not knowing we invented that first? Or is it one million years from now that they come up with that computer wizardry instead of magic? Do they draw pictures on their computers now? You make them sound so complicated.

NAZZY

Their caves do get more sophisticated. I decided the podcast era would be the best point of contact, but they're still cave people deep down. I jump to a 'den' when I need to transfer vivicord recordings to their internet. It's just like a cave, with better furniture and little lanterns in the ceiling.

YEMILINA

I wish I could go with you.

NAZZY

Let's not.

YEMILINA

I know, I know. I mustn't lose thirty-one years of my life every time I get time-travel envy. Are there any more questions?

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

Why are sap bugs trying to take over the world? What's in it for them?

YEMILINA

Hmm...well, I know you're comparing them to docile werewolves to help us wrap our heads around exactly why--

NAZZY

Dogs. The docile werewolves of the future are dogs. They're a lot cuter and cuddlier and way more loyal to humans.

YEMILINA
Yes, and the sap bugs are like dogs in that they are loyal to the EEK. It seems to be the EEK who want to take over Wilzerlott.

NAZZY

What do the EEK get out of it?

YEMILINA

Did Anonymous ask that?

NAZZY

No, I'm asking it. Why do they want Wilzerlott?

YEMILINA

Perhaps their homeland is very small like them. Conquering big land makes them feel bigger.

NAZZY

Where do the EEK come from? What made them come to Wilzerlott?

YEMILINA

Are you just thinking aloud? We don't know any of that. This is supposed to be questions and answers. We shouldn't ask with answering.

NAZZY

Let's make it Q, A & G – questions, answers and guesses.

YEMILINA

Well, then...I suppose the EEK could be from another dimension or a distant planet.

NAZZY

They could be from an unexplored region right here on Earth. Or a hidden society that has always existed right under our noses. How many children babbling about tiny people in mouse holes get completely ignored? I bet it happens all the time.

YEMILINA

Perhaps they have always been here, but they were afraid to show themselves before they procured their allies -- the sap bugs. They must know they have no chance of defeating us when we're alert and cautious.

NAZZY

Wherever they're from, they don't like it enough to stay there and leave us alone.

YEMININA

Or they're greedy. Always wanting more and more, no matter what they have.

NAZZY

Do you think maybe we should try to work on communication spells? I have a feeling no one tries very hard to talk to the EEK between now and the end.

YEMILINA

Our ancestors tried talking to dragons, remember?

NAZZY

Yes, I've watched some of those attempts.

YEMILINA

And it was just a faster way to get eaten, wasn't it? Dragons don't care that we don't like it. They're going to keep eating us no matter what we say.

NAZZY

(sigh)

And I suppose the EEK will keep...wait, what have they actually done to us so far?

YEMILINA

What?

NAZZY

Well, we've prevented the future in which they neutralize the royal army and lock Sir JP in the castle dungeon. Since that hasn't happened now--

YEMILINA

They'll try to do it another day in another place.

NAZZY

Probably...but I can't help wondering if there's room for diplomacy before anything too horrible gets pinned down in the timeline. Maybe they need a place to live and don't think we'd share our land willingly.

YEMILINA

Wenoburt built them a house when he met them. They didn't look at all appreciative. They rejected our hospitality.

NAZZY

Is it really fair to pin all hope of diplomacy on the impulses of a six-year-old?

YEMILINA

Of course it is. Children are pure, untainted by politics. People you can trust say 'awww' in the face of that purity – not 'eeeeheeheeheeeheeee!'

NAZZY

I still get the feeling we're oversimplifying.

YEMILINA

(impatient)

Oh, this is pointless! They're evil. We hate them. Aren't there any other questions?

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

How did the EEK get their name? What does it mean?

YEMILINA

How did that wizard know their name?

NAZZY

He said Wilzerlott people asked them once and they said they were called 'EEK.'

YEMILINA

So someone did figure out how to speak the EEK language?

NAZZY

I don't think so. They only talk in ominous chuckles and guffaws. That's a tough code to crack. It's more likely someone tried a local language and hoped it was understood.

YEMILINA

So the EEK might have misunderstood the question? They could have shouted 'EEK' as a battle cry when they were asked to identify themselves.

NAZZY

Or, early in their evolution, someone stepped on them and said 'EEK,' which made them think they were being named by a large, god-like creature.

YEMILINA

In any case, we're calling them EEK. Next question?

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

If Wilzerlott is going to end in eight months, what does that mean for the documentary?

YEMILINA

Well, as we always warn you at the end of each instalment, this documentary is reliant upon our survival.

NAZZY

Sorry.

YEMILINA

I know it doesn't seem fair. I wish we could guarantee we'll all come back as ghosts and carry right on recording, but...well...I get the impression my father was a special case.

NAZZY

The good news is we're feeling motivated to prevent our extinction. So, you know, maybe Wilzerlott won't end.

YEMILINA

At least not that soon.

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

The next question is for you. Do you and your mother get along?

YEMILINA

Oh, yes...um...deep down. Deep in our hearts where true getting along is invisibly...there's some clash on the surface. Some 'get that crown off my back' and some 'grow up and wear your crown.' Some 'Mother, why can't you just be an honest human being and not a corrupted tyrant messing with portals behind our backs and how could you be so vague and mysterious all this time, watching me laugh myself silly on sap venom when all along you knew exactly how those sap bugs--'

SOUND: slow drips in cave

YEMILINA

We get along.

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

These next questions are for you, so I'll read them.

NAZZY

Go ahead.

YEMILINA

Nazzy, can't you tell us more about the end of the world? How much did the wizard tell you after that vivicord broke? Why aren't you telling us what he told you?

NAZZY

Right...I guess I...well, it would have been a lot smoother to hear it from the wizard himself and what with the technical difficulties...there's a certain flow to these instalments, a rhythm, and while it might seem like I'm selfishly keeping information from you just for shock value as our story unfolds, really, I'm...uh...is the next question easier?

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

Anonymous says: was the wizard small? He sounded small.

NAZZY

Yes, he was. He was short. He had a big cape that bulked him up a bit, and some protection spells around his head that made his voice sound weird.

YEMILINA

Oh, that wasn't a vivicord problem?

NAZZY

Of course not.

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

Next question. Nazzy, how does your power work?

NAZZY

I let my eyes go out of focus and they turn black for a few seconds. There's a stretchy feeling in my brain while I think about time -- like an extra muscle reaching out to the universe. Then I vanish. There's a couple seconds of floating in nothingness, which I guess is when I can really feel along the timeline and pinpoint my destination. One more big brain stretch and I re-materialize in the new time.

YEMILINA

Do you think they could mean 'how do you have your power in the first place?'

NAZZY

Oh. Rare genetic condition.

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

Yemilina, how do you feel about Sir JP? Do you think there is a deepening connection between you two?

YEMILINA

No! No, he's...he's far too serious and unsympathetic. Very noble, of course. I know he'll always protect me, but I can't stand that storm cloud face of his. Unless my veins are singing with sap venom. His scratchy beard seems a lot more strokeable when I'm sappy. But I'm sure he thinks very little of me, so it hardly matters. If I started showing him affection, he'd laugh at me.

NAZZY

You have thought about it then?

YEMILINA

Stroking his beard? Yes. But if I ever try it, you must stop me.

NAZZY

So no deepening connection, fair listeners. They're just friends.

YEMILINA

(sulky)

I'm his obligation.

NAZZY

Or maybe he's bad at expressing himself. He might like you, too.

YEMILINA

You were right the first time. Next question.

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

This one is for Sir JP. Sorry, Anonymous, we couldn't get him to participate in this.

YEMILINA

We shall try to answer for him. Go on.

NAZZY

Sir JP, what kind of horse do you have?

YEMILINA

Brown.

NAZZY

Maybe they meant what breed?

YEMILINA

A horse. Not a unicorn.

NAZZY

There are different types of horses.

YEMILINA

A knight's horse. I don't know! It's handsome like him and it helps him guard this cave sometimes. It's outside grazing right now.

NAZZY

Sir JP goes to check on it if it takes too long. He went out looking for it a little while ago. That's how we're keeping all his armour clinking out of this episode.

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

Ah, the next question broadens out. What kind of creatures are in Wilzerlott? How many species and what kinds?

NAZZY

Mammals, terrestrial humanoids, reptiles, fish, aquatic humanoids, amphibians, birds, aerial humanoids, demons, spirits, insects, and magically altered versions of all of the above.

YEMILINA

How many species?

NAZZY

I would have to ask a zoologist. Pretty sure our best ones got eaten by dragons.

YEMILINA

Why are dragons always picking on our experts? If you ever find that older version of Wenoburt, can he at least tell us how many insect species there are?

NAZZY

I'll make that a priority. Next?

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

What kind of ingredients do you need for potions?

NAZZY

Eye of newt.

YEMILINA

Sesame seeds, some kind of plant stuff, snake venom...

NAZZY

Dragon saliva. We harvest that off people's bones sometimes.

YEMILINA

Always some kind of weird plant.

NAZZY

We don't make potions.

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

Does Enelcia have any magic powers?

YEMILINA

Ooo, I don't know. If she has, she's very modest about it. She hasn't even mentioned it.

NAZZY

Elves are as genetically prone as most humanoid species to having natural magic powers, but it's only about one in a thousand who's born with a power. Certain powers, like mine, are even rarer.

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

Nazzy, what kind of animals are there in the distant past and what kind are there in the future beyond our time?

NAZZY

Well, I don't like visiting dinosaurs. They kind of freak me out. If you're asking if your own extrapolations of dinosaurs are accurate, I'd say you're getting closer all the time. I once chatted with some paleontologists in the year 2309, and they knew so much about prehistoric life it was like they were time travellers themselves.

YEMILINA

What kind of animals were there in 2309?

NAZZY

A ton of genetically engineered ones. You don't want to know.

YEMILINA

But the cave people of 2022 do want to know. So tell them.

NAZZY

I don't want to give them nightmares.

YEMILINA

They've already heard how it is when a dragon eats someone. That happened while we were recording. You said that would make them uncomfortable, but you didn't edit it out.

NAZZY

Words paint the pictures. You're the one who described that death as “being chomped into bite-sized pieces.”

YEMILINA

Right. I should have said nibbled. Sorry. Tell our fair listeners the gentlest way you can about those genetically engineered creatures.

NAZZY

Well...you know how some of you don't like people's hands in your mouth to scrape plaque off your teeth? 

YEMILINA

That does sound unpleasant.

NAZZY

So the mass produced wrasse fish is about a tenth the size of its natural ancestor, and a couple of those in your mouth gets all the plaque off your teeth a lot faster than dentist tools.

YEMILINA

Fish in your mouth! That sounds worse!

NAZZY

Some people like it.

YEMILINA

Don't they ever swallow a fish by mistake?

NAZZY

They have to stick a filter in the back of their mouths first.

YEMILINA

(uncomfortable noise)

NAZZY

Then there are the enormous cows and pigs.

YEMILINA

Why are they enormous?

NAZZY

For food. Elephants become the third heaviest land animals in 2301. 

YEMILINA

Wow.

NAZZY

There's a stripy breed of house cat that grows to the size of a tiger.

YEMILINA
(gasp)

They don't eat cats, do they?

NAZZY

No. People just have this burning desire to keep tigers as pets. Since that's very dangerous, some scientists decide that bigger house cats might satisfy tiger lust and keep everyone safe.

YEMILINA

Does that do the trick?

NAZZY

Not really, no. Stupid people are stupid no matter what alternatives you offer them.

YEMILINA

Pity. Well, I hope and trust that none of our listeners are those particular people.

NAZZY

Well, if they like our documentary, they're obviously intelligent.

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

This one is for both of us. How did we become friends?

YEMILINA

Oh, I remember that well. We were both eleven years old, and we lived on different floors of the castle, so I'd never seen you before. But then one day I went exploring and I saw you flex your time-travel muscles for the first time. You were trying to help your parents with the royal laundry. Mother gave them such a hard time when they couldn't get wine stains out of her gowns, so you learned how to pop back to precise moments in the past when the gowns were not yet stained. And you brought those perfect gowns back for them to give Mother.

NAZZY

With your help. You knew exactly where your mother left her gowns at the height of their glory.

YEMILINA

I made a habit of noting that once I knew it would be an ongoing problem. 

NAZZY

We played together so much after that, Queen Augusta even made your governess take over my education. You threw fits if you had to study without me.

YEMILINA

But you wouldn't use your power to help me cheat on tests.

NAZZY

I started drawing lines, yeah. That felt important.

YEMILINA

I hope if you had no powers I'd still be your friend. I am very shallow, so I can't be certain.

NAZZY

I like that you're self aware.

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

Another Anonymous asks: Does Nazzy look thirty-one years older than Yemilina? How old is she?

NAZZY

I am older. I don't look it, because I take all the best health potions and I'm in great shape. I also skip boring years with time travel, so I haven't technically lived thirty-one years longer.

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

Where do you get your ideas? What's your process?

YEMILINA

My process? Well, I suppose I'm currently in the process of waiting out dragon attacks. It wasn't really my idea to hide this whole time. But with the castle gone, Sir JP thought--

NAZZY

Oh, I think that was a question for our cover cave woman in the future.

YEMILINA

Our what?

NAZZY

She's a writer. We look a lot like fiction, so there's this writer getting credit for our existence. It just looks better.

YEMILINA

(outraged)

She's getting credit for us? While we toil away making this documentary? Risking our lives and limbs to capture the sounds of bloodthirsty dragons! How dare she!

NAZZY

Writers are very arrogant about their imaginations. She's probably convinced herself she made us all up out of her own little head.

YEMILINA

You can just pop over to her cave right now and tell her she's wrong.

NAZZY

I think we should just leave it alone.

YEMILINA

Don't you care that you're being misrepresented as a fictional character?

NAZZY

Not really. I've pretended to be a lot of things when I time travel. Whatever works.

YEMILINA

How can people believe she made us up?

NAZZY

Her last name's in our kingdom name.

YEMILINA

What a narcissist! She must have changed her name.

SOUND: footsteps in cave

SOUND: breeze

SOUND: horse trotting

SOUND: armour clanking

NAZZY

Oh, look, Sir JP found his horse. He's bringing it back.

YEMILINA

That is good news. He's always in a better mood when he knows for sure that his horse wasn't eaten. It's the not knowing that makes him especially grumpy.

NAZZY

I've noticed that.

YEMILINA

Do you suppose he'll interrupt this Q, A & G with scathing remarks about how we have enough problems and shouldn't waste time spelling out our everyday lives for future cave people?

NAZZY

Probably.

YEMILINA

We'll leave it here then, dear listeners. Thank you for following along, and I do hope nothing we've said today gives you nightmares. If we are not nibbled apart by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck!

SOUND: closing theme music