S1 E15: Everybody Panic

Dragons, EEK, Sap Bugs and The Box of Doom combine in this epic battle that decides the fate of Wilzerlott.

Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
JP Lott as Sir JP
Tegan Lott as Teloopa
Nicole Stoner as Enelcia
Owen Lott as Wenoburt
Lynda Williams as Queen Augusta
Jennifer Lott as King David
Ivy Lott as Child Yemilina
Tory Lott as Toddler Giant
Kenzie Stoner as Rose

Transcript

SOUND: opening theme music

EXT MARKETPLACE

SOUND: marketplace ambiance

SOUND: crowd panic

SOUND: dragon wings

SOUND: dragon roars

SOUND: EEK laughter

SOUND: kicking inside a sack

NAZZY and ENELCIA

Help! Help! Help!

YEMILINA

(gasp)

The EEK riding that dragon have brought tiny Nazzy and Enelcia with them! Our poor shrunken friends are wriggling with their little heads poking out of a sack labelled…(gulp)…‘dragon snacks.’

SOUND: clanking armor

SIR JP

Where?

SOUND: horse neighing

YEMILINA

There!

SIR JP

The dragon is flying low. I’ll cut them loose.

SOUND: galloping horse

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: sword cutting rope

SOUND: sack drop

NAZZY and ENELCIA

Thank you!

SIR JP

Go hide!

SOUND: galloping horse

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: dragon wings

SOUND: dragon roars

SOUND: sword swings

TELOOPA

Cover me. I’ll whip up my new sauce for the dragons. It’ll just take a few minutes.

SOUND: bottles clinking

SOUND: cork uncorking

SOUND: liquid pouring

SIR JP

Dragons don’t need sauce. They need killing.

SOUND: armor clanking

SOUND: sword whoosh

TELOOPA

Sure, you can do that while you’re waiting for me.

SIR JP

You’re not the plan!

SOUND: magic staff

TELOOPA

I am the plan!

SOUND: potion bubbling

SOUND: small sword whooshing

WENOBURT

Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!

SIR JP

Stay back.

WENOBURT

Right behind you.

SIR JP

Arrgh, way back, far back. Find an elf shelter in the forest.

WENOBURT

I can’t reach the dragons from there.

SIR JP

(frustrated noise)

SOUND: people running

SOUND: dragons flying

SOUND: dragons roaring

SOUND: swords whooshing

SOUND: sap bugs buzzing

SOUND: multiple bug bites

YEMILINA

(singing)

Oooooo, it seems that I must sing,

Bug bites up and down my arms

I hope that I can wing the rhymes 

And cause minimal harm

Don’t let Sir JP watch my chest

Rising, falling with my breaths

Lucky lips, disarming cleavage

Stick his eyes on flying lizards

If he slips up in this big fight…

We’re stuck with hiding wizards!

SOUND: Clanking armor

SOUND: Dragons roaring

SOUND: Sword swipes

SOUND: Knight riding horse

SOUND: People screaming

SOUND: Dragon chewing flesh

SOUND: People running

SOUND: Pegasus flying

SOUND: Pegasus landing

YEMILINA

(singing)

Hello, Mother. Where’s your smug grin?

I was just singing of how cowardly

Your royal sorcerer has been

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Oh, his timing is terrible, I know, but…darling, all these dragons! They’ve never been so bad. You must—

YEMILINA

(singing)

I question why you brag at all

Of a sorcerer who won’t show up

You fly here with the gall 

To watch us die while you go on!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Now, just a minute. You can’t sing at me like that. You’re supposed to be sappy when you’re like this. You’re being unpleasant.

YEMILINA

(singing)

You tried to kill Nazzy!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

What?

YEMILINA

(singing)

It’s cutting through my sap crap.

You tried. Almost fried her.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I did not!

YEMILINA

(singing)

It takes place in the future!

You went too far!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I am not responsible for my future actions yet.

SOUND: dragons roaring

SOUND: armor clanking

SOUND: horse neighing

SOUND: sword whooshes, stabs and slashes

SOUND: EEK laughing

SOUND: magic staff

SOUND: bubbling potion

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Come away with me, darling! This is a fight for dragon slayers and magic users, not you!

YEMILINA

(singing)

You’d like that, would you?

Thrones up in the stands,

Sipping our wine, above

Red splatter paint lands

Not blood from that distance

It’s out of our hands…

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Let’s make it coffee, dear. It’s too early for wine.

YEMILINA

(singing)

I might be gobbled, burned or trampled

Shrunken, chewed on, badly rumpled

Still, here is the perfect place

To sing until you feel disgraced!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I feel like exactly what I am. A ruler. Rulers must—

YEMILINA

(singing)

Lie! They must be shameful!

Any peasant in your presence

Is embarrassed to have known you!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

You might as well come and insult me in a safer place! There’s nothing you can do to help these people.

YEMILINA

(singing)

I’ll be their moral support

Their luck, their cheerleader

I could sing a report

Or be a horse feeder

SOUND: horse neighing

SOUND: dragon fire

SOUND: dragons roaring

SOUND: armor clanking

SOUND: restless crowd

QUEEN AUGUSTA

As the only person who didn’t receive your own lucky kiss, you must leave!

YEMILINA

Just look at this crowd in its frenzied motion

The merchants and the buyers

Stampeding Teloopa’s potion.

From the dukes to bottom rungs,

Are you making ‘I care’ graphs?

They’ll be wielding sticky tongues

If they don’t swing swords or staffs.

SOUND: restless crowd

SOUND: crowd jostling

SOUND: pots clinking

SOUND: liquids splashing

TELOOPA

Hey! I’m working here.

SOUND: multiple transformation spells

SOUND: multiple gasps of transformation pain

SOUND: frog croaks

SOUND: frogs eating bugs

TELOOPA

I’m fighting sap bugs with frogs. I’m taking out the EEK with sauce and filling the dragons with sauced EEK…okay, I’m officially saving you guys from everything! A little too much pressure. Nazzy? Where are you? Oh, right, you’re tiny. I’m going to pick you up.

SOUND: footsteps

SOUND: grab

NAZZY

(startled noise)

TELOOPA

Go fetch me from yesterday, so my past self can make the frog army while I finish my potion.

NAZZY

I can’t.

TELOOPA

Why not?

NAZZY

Tiny powers.

TELOOPA

Fix that.

NAZZY

Can’t you fix it?

TELOOPA

I don’t know which spell to use without looking at the EEK magic that shrunk you. You want me to experiment?

NAZZY

No!

TELOOPA

Go fiddle with their shrink magic yourself and see if you can figure it out. It probably goes both ways.

NAZZY

That sounds bad, too. Can’t we just find someone who knows what they’re doing?

TELOOPA

Please, this is Wilzerlott.

SOUND: teleportation spell

NAZZY

(startled noise)

SOUND: Body fall

SOUND: Dragon wings

NAZZY

Whoa, teleporting me onto a dragon’s head is not what I thought you were about to do. Warning would have been nice!

SOUND: Dragon growls

SOUND: EEK laughter

SOUND: Machine ambiance

NAZZY

Okay, I see a sort of crossbow thing with lots of lights and buttons. It’s strapped to the back of this dragon. That’s why Teloopa put me here.

SOUND: EEK laughter

NAZZY

You’re busy leading dragons into battle. You don’t mind if I step right past you and just take a look at your magic shrink ray thing, do you?

SOUND: EEK laughter

SOUND: running child

SOUND: clanking armor

SIR JP

Stop, kid!

NAZZY

(gasp)

Wenoburt is charging the dragon I’m on.

WENOBURT

I’ve got this one!

SOUND: small sword whooshing

SIR JP

Wait for me!

WENOBURT

I can do it this time.

NAZZY

Wenoburt! No! It’ll eat you!

SOUND:dragon chomping flesh

WENOBURT

(screaming)

SIR JP

Noooo!

NAZZY

A few seconds…a few inches…yes!

SOUND: time travel

WENOBURT

I’ve got this one!

SOUND: small sword whooshing

SIR JP

Wait for me!

WENOBURT

I can do it this time.

PAST NAZZY

Wenoburt! No! It’ll eat you!

SOUND: feet bouncing on eyeball

SOUND: dragon roaring in pain

PRESENT NAZZY

It’s okay, past self. I’m jumping on the dragon’s eyeball.

SOUND: feet bouncing on eyeball

WENOBURT

The dragon’s got something in its eye. Now’s my chance!

SOUND: dragon roaring

SOUND: small sword stabs

PRESENT NAZZY

Wait, how come I didn’t see me doing this the first time? I don’t want the memory of Wenoburt getting eaten.

PAST NAZZY

(echoey)

I’m catching up. Maybe we’ll forget.

SOUND: air warp

SOUND: small sword stabs

SOUND: roaring dragon

SOUND: clanking armour

SOUND: sword beheading dragon

SOUND: dragon head flop

NAZZY

Whoa! Uhhn!

SOUND: dragon body fall

WENOBURT

I did it! I slayed it! And…you helped, too.

SIR JP

(sarcastic)

Your jabs at its belly button might have killed it before I beheaded it. We’ll never know.

NAZZY

Only good for saving broken dishes? Ha! Where’s Enelcia when I need to brag?

SOUND: buzzing sap bugs

SOUND: frog croaks

ENELCIA

Don’t be tempted, my tiny frog darling. Those bugs are much too big for you to eat. 

SOUND: giant footsteps

SOUND: dragon roars

SOUND: giant voices

SOUND: ghost flying

KING DAVID

I have brought the giants.

ENELCIA

Thank you, Your Majesty! You’re my favourite ghost king!

SOUND: giant footsteps

TODDLER GIANT

Yeah. Ready. Hello.

KING DAVID

One of their toddlers is tagging along, I’m afraid. I failed to persuade his parents to leave him with a babysitter. They are very proud of his hammering skills in battle.

TODDLER GIANT

Yeah, me hammer lots. Me fight dragons, okay?

SOUND: hammer on ground

KING DAVID

So be it.

SOUND: ghost vanishing

SIR JP

Enough kids! Arrrh, I was already at my limit!

WENOBURT

I’m not a kid anymore. I am a dragon slayer!

TODDLER GIANT

Me help elf friend.

SOUND: giant footsteps

TODDLER GIANT

Where elf?

ENELCIA

Way down here, sweetie. I know I’m even smaller than usual.

TODDLER GIANT

Elf tiny. Me big.

SOUND: hammer dragging on ground

SOUND: giant footsteps

SOUND: grab

ENELCIA

Whew, thanks! Feels better to be up here.

SOUND: dragon wings

SOUND: dragon roars

SOUND: dragon fire

SOUND: hammering

TODDLER GIANT

You do hammering. You do hammer lots, too.

ENELCIA

I don’t have a hammer. Can I just cower in your pocket?

TODDLER GIANT

Yeah.

YEMILINA

(singing)

          What a wondrous sight,

          Giants tower over dragons

          Except that toddler; he’s a mite

Taller than Sir JP

Two great pockets on his coat

Open flaps below his throat

          The left has a bulge – is it a log?

          The right houses the elf and frog…

SOUND: non-stop frog croaks

ENELCIA

What is it, darling? What’s wrong? Umm…Baby Giant? My frog baby thinks you have poison in your other pocket. Did you maybe pick up something…mmm…bad?

TODDLER GIANT

Me find shiny box.

SOUND: metal box shifting

ENELCIA

Ahhh! It’s the Box of Doom!

YEMILINA

(singing)

I think I hear a tiny voice.

I’m borrowing your Pegasus.

SOUND: saddle movement

SOUND: Pegasus flying

SOUND: Pegasus landing

YEMILINA

(singing)

My shrill, shrunken friend…

What was that again? 

ENELCIA

Everybody panic! A giant baby has the Box of Doom!

YEMILINA

(singing)

Allow me to say that louder for you…

SOUND: Pegasus flying

YEMILINA

(singing)

Everybody panic! A giant baby has the Box of Doom!

SOUND: crowd panic

SOUND: rattling box

TODDLER GIANT

Shiny!

ENELCIA

It’s bad shine! Put it down!

TODDLER GIANT

Me throw it.

ENELCIA

Gently! Put it down gently. Please…

TODDLER GIANT

Me boom it.

ENELCIA

No!

TODDLER GIANT

Me boom dragons.

ENELCIA

Dragon needs hammering. Remember your hammer?

SOUND: metal box shifting

SOUND: giant footsteps

SOUND: dragon roars

SOUND: dragon flames

NAZZY

Oh, no! This must be how we go extinct! That giant toddler throws the box and it bursts open in the dragon flames. These are our last moments…unless I can get that box far away. Right now!

SOUND: shrink ray ambiance

SOUND: fingers tapping hard surface

NAZZY

Arrrgh, I can’t figure out this shrink ray thing. There are so many buttons!

SOUND: fairy arrives

SOUND: fairy wings

NAZZY

Rose! Over here! Help!

SOUND: fairy wings

NAZZY

I need you to read the EEK labels on this thing. 

SOUND: fairy wings

ROSE

This one says: eeeeeeeeeeeeek. That one says: ekekekeke—

NAZZY

I meant translate!

ROSE

Shrink range: ten—

NAZZY

Which button will restore me to my original size?

ROSE

I’m still reading.

NAZZY

Well, read faster!

SOUND: EEK laughter

NAZZY

The EEK are coming! Hurry! I need my full powers to move the extinction bomb.

ROSE

You’re nowhere near the Box of Doom. Should I carry you to it?

NAZZY

No, no, keep reading! Find that grow button!

(louder:)

Yemilina, is that you on that Pegasus? Get me to the box!

SOUND: Pegasus flying

YEMILINA

You want to move the box, Nazzy?

What a brilliant thought.

Maybe a few centuries ahead

When neutralizing can be sought?

SOUND: Pegasus flying

ROSE

I found the button.

SOUND: body fall on metal

NAZZY

I’m on the box. Now, Rose!

ROSE

I’m pointing it at you.

NAZZY

Then here I go.

SOUND: Time travel interrupted

ROSE

Whoop, it’s not on.

NAZZY

(frustrated noise)

SOUND: metal box shifting

SOUND: giant footsteps

ENELCIA

No box! Bad box!

TODDLER GIANT

Me throw bad box!

SOUND: metal box shifting

SOUND: giant footsteps

ENELCIA

Don’t throw it! No!

SOUND: wind of thrown object

SOUND: metal box rattling

NAZZY

Ahh, I have to jump! Make me big!

SOUND: Time travel begins

ROSE

It’s on now.

SOUND: shrink ray ambiance

SOUND: grow spell revving up

ENELCIA                                                                               

Whoa! Wait! Should you really mess with a time traveler’s body size while she’s in the middle of a—

SOUND: grow spell

SOUND: Time travel ends

NAZZY

(startled noise)

SOUND: Time travel echoes

YEMILINA

(singing)

Nazzy, when did you go?

That didn’t sound good

Wrong moment to grow?

Did all go as it should?

TODDLER GIANT

Where box go?

YEMILINA 

(singing)

Nazzy has taken it some-when away!

Far, far, far, who knows when away!

TODDLER GIANT

Me want shiny box!

(cries and grumps)

SOUND: fairy flying

YEMILINA

(singing)

Nazzy could be eons off her destination!

You only had to push a bump!

Did you pause in fascination?

Hit a lazy reading slump?

ROSE

Are you singing at me? I was only trying to help.

YEMILINA

(singing)

Too slow! Too slow!

Your help is too slow…

Why don’t you grow

Into an older, smarter fairy

Off you go!

ROSE

I will go! You’re mean!

SOUND: fairy departing

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Oh, now look what you’ve done, Yemilina! You’ve offended our only translator for the EEK.

YEMILINA

(singing)

Summon other fairies in the kingdom

Aren’t they yours to command?

Why do you rely on random people I call friends?

SOUND: multiple bug bites

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(giggly)

Oh, never mind, darling. I’ll point at anything to point away from myself. You offend as many fairies as you like. Diplomacy doesn’t even work with the EEK anyway. They didn’t even accept my offer to curse their leader with invincibility.

YEMILINA

(singing)

Your what?

You what?

What did you do?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(reassuring)

It wasn’t to help the EEK. I wanted your Time Klutz to be a ghost.

YEMILINA

(gasp)

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(realizing)

Oh no, you won’t like that either, will you? I don’t want this truth side effect with my sap bites. No more!

SOUND: footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(calling out)

Yoo-hoo, send frogs over here, little sorceress! I need a shield of frogs this instant!

SOUND: bubbling potion

TELOOPA

(impatient)

Not little. And busy. Majesty.

SOUND: stirring potion

QUEEN AUGUSTA

But you are little, by human standards, and your Queen commands you—

YEMILINA

You dare talk to Teloopa after what you said!

You owe me explanations why you want my friend dead!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

A ghost can still be your friend, dear. It would bring such peace to Wilzerlott. Her pesky powers wouldn’t carry over into her spectral form.

YEMILINA

Wait! What curse?

Why did you offer the EEK anything?

How does that make ghosts begin?

SOUND: multiple bug bites

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(giggly)

Your father was an accident, darling. We didn’t understand my invincibility would make him a ghost. Fine print, you know.

YEMILINA

(gasp)

SOUND: ghost appearing

KING DAVID

Now you know, sweet daughter. But you also know it was because we missed you so very much. Find it in your heart to forgive us.

SOUND: sap bugs buzzing

SOUND: multiple bug bites

YEMILINA

(singing sweeter)

I’m an orphan now.

You’re both dead to me.

One of you can’t die,

But soulless you shall be.

KING DAVID and QUEEN AUGUSTA

Yemilina!

SOUND: roaring dragon

SOUND: clanking armour

SIR JP

We really do need more frogs. The royal family is going nuts over here.

SOUND: clanking armour

SOUND: sword whooshes

SOUND: bubbling potion

TELOOPA

Arrh, enough with the frogs. Bring me EEK. My potion is…

SOUND: magic staff

SOUND: puff of smoke

SOUND: popping potion

TELOOPA

…done!

SIR JP

I will bring you an EEK if it’s on the next dragon head I chop off.

WENOBURT

Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!

SOUND: giants stomping

SOUND: giant voices

SOUND: dragons roaring

TELOOPA

(sigh)

Enelcia? Can you get the giants to bring me EEK? I’m so tired.

SOUND: giants stomping

ENELCIA

(to Teloopa:)

Uh, I’m still in the toddler’s pocket. Hang on, okay?

(to Toddler Giant:)

That’s it, sweetie. Up you get. No more crying.

TODDLER GIANT

Me hurt my knee.

ENELCIA

Aww, next time you don’t get mad. You shouldn’t throw your tantrum right on top of a dead dragon’s spiky tail, okay? Big owey.

TODDLER GIANT

Me hurt my elbow.

ENELCIA

I’ll kiss it better. Lift me up.

SOUND:kiss

TODDLER GIANT

Me boom dragons!

ENELCIA

How about you put tiny people in a witch’s bubbly pot? Not me tiny! The ones who go ‘eeeheeheehee!’ Okay?

SOUND: giant footsteps

SOUND: grabs

TODDLER GIANT

These ones?

SOUND: EEK laughter

ENELCIA

Yep.

SOUND: EEK dropping into potion

SOUND: sluggish splashes

SOUND: EEK laughter turning to gurgles

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: sword whooshes

WENOBURT

Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!

SOUND: giants stomping

SOUND: dragons roaring

YEMILINA

(singing)

Please don’t be entertained while we’re fighting our lives,

This is a documentary and no one doing’s jives

How considerate of the vivicord to give

You close ups on the action

SOUND: EEK laughing and gurgling

SOUND: Goop dripping

YEMILINA

(singing)

Hear now how the EEK still live

Climbing from that pot without reaction

But their dip into that gooey stuff

Has left them looking cooked and candied

In fact, they smell like meaty fluff

Cotton candy sausage if that’s fancied…

SOUND: dragons snorting

YEMILINA

Hear how the dragons turn their heads

They’re smelling something new…

Flames flicker yellow; fewer reds,

I wonder what they’ll do?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(hurt)

She’s not even arguing with me now. She’s narrating for those wretched cave people.

KING DAVID

Your mother cherishes undivided attention, Yemilina. Must you…?

YEMILINA

Lots of sounds at once,

Hard to tell what’s going on,

I can argue mother

And sing descriptive songs.

The dragons now approach the EEK,

Salivating in their cheeks.

SOUND: EEK laughing

SOUND: goop dripping

SOUND: dragons flying

SOUND: dragons snorting

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Show off! When one is saturated with sap venom, one should be a helpless puddle of incompetence.

YEMILINA

Forbid me to multi-task in tune

Banish me to a mermaid lagoon

Hate me, shame me,

Go on, blame me!

I’ll sing down your every giggle

Watch that lame crown wiggle, jiggle—

SOUND: Dragons landing

SOUND: Dragons snapping

SOUND: EEK screams

SOUND: Dragons chewing

SIR JP

I can’t believe it. The dragons really are eating the EEK!

YEMILINA

(singing)

Gobble, gobble goopy EEK

It seems that they’re a treat

The dragons have stopped eating us

I guess we aren’t as sweet.

SOUND: EEK screams

SOUND: Dragons chewing

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: sword swings

SOUND: dragons beheaded

SOUND: dragon body falls

TELOOPA

Fine, hold your applause. I guess the dragons won’t behead themselves.

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: sword swings

SOUND: dragons beheaded

SOUND: dragon body falls

TELOOPA

Hey, you’re just singing. Your hands are free.

SOUND: clapping

YEMILINA

(singing)

Your brilliant potion has saved us all!

It more than makes up for the castle’s fall!

TELOOPA

I know, right?

SOUND: vivicord

SOUND: footsteps

CHILD YEMILINA

Is that grownup me?

YEMILINA
(gasp)

Child me!

TELOOPA

No way! Hey, time-travelling princess kid. There are no newborns to kiss here. You’ve got the wrong place.

CHILD YEMILINA

It’s a market. I want to buy breakfast.

TELOOPA

It was a market an hour ago. Battlefield now. No kids allowed.

WENOBURT

Hi-Ya, Hi-Ya, Hi-Ya!

TODDLER GIANT

(noise)

SOUND:tiny frog croak

TELOOPA

I mean they keep showing up anyway, but they really shouldn’t be here.

SOUND: running footsteps

PAST NAZZY

Little girl Yemilina, come back!

SOUND: running footsteps

KING DAVID

Little Yemilina?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

My baby!

SOUND: running footsteps

SOUND: ghost flying

CHILD YEMILINA

Hi, mommy. Daddy, why are you a ghost?

KING DAVID

Never mind, my sweet girl. It’s so good to see you.

SOUND: running footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Time Klutz!

SOUND: footsteps stop

PAST NAZZY

(startled)

Your Majesty!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

You have exposed my child to her father’s future demise!

PAST NAZZY

Oops. Bad place to stop, I guess.

YEMILINA

(singing)

Don’t worry about ghost spoilers, mother

My child memory gets erased,

This clash of me is not a bother                                              

While it’s blindly faced 

By the way, Past Me,

I don’t suppose you know

What might erase your memory?

CHILD YEMILINA

What?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(roar of rage)

YEMILINA

Never mind. Just a missing page.

Excuse me, while I arrange

To block mother’s murderous rage!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(roar of rage)

SOUND: shuffling feet

SOUND: body blocks

KING DAVID

Consider scolding the Time Meddler, my dear. Harsher scolding. Killing her will darken our daughters’ merry hearts.

SOUND: dragon roars

SOUND: sword swipes

SOUND: clanking armor

PAST NAZZY

Come on now, little Yemmy. I’ll get you a breakfast at a market that hasn’t been destroyed by dragons. Maybe this one yesterday.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Take her home!

CHILD YEMILINA

I can’t go home, mommy. I’m saving the kingdom.

YEMILINA

(singing)

You’ve travelled too far forward, Past Nazzy.

My lips are already here; you don’t need Past Me.

PAST NAZZY

You missed today’s newborns.

We have to get them all kissed to save—

TELOOPA

I saved the kingdom. It’s already done.

SOUND: EEK screams

SOUND: Dragons chewing

PAST NAZZY

Get a lucky break, did you? One of your dragon condiments finally paid off?

TELOOPA

As a matter of fact. Wait – no! No, no, I see what you’re doing there. That princess kid kissed newborn me and now you think she’s the reason—

CHILD YEMILINA

You’re welcome.

TELOOPA

Unbelievable.

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: sword swings

SOUND: dragon roars

SIR JP

Stop chatting! You’re all in my way.

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: sword swings

SOUND: dragon roars

WENOBURT

A dragon tried to eat me, but there was something on the dragon’s eye.

CHILD YEMILINA

That’s lucky. I must have kissed you when you were born.

WENOBURT

Princess kisses are gross.

CHILD YEMILINA

I won’t kiss you again. You’re too big now.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(grunts of effort)

SOUND: Body blocks

YEMILINA

(singing)

Past Nazzy, you’d best be through,

Since mother truly wants to kill you

And the cave people will get confused

With all this jumping round you do

They’re busy processing the news

That current you is lost in time…

PAST NAZZY

I am?

SOUND: ghost flying

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Stop flying at me with your tragic ghost face! You have to see past our daughters’ feelings and see what’s good for them!

KING DAVID

It will exhaust you to kill the Time Meddler. And a past version of her is bound to pop up and waste your effort.

PAST NAZZY

Oh. I’m sorry I confused the cave people. I’ll go.

CHILD YEMILINA

Take me to more babies.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

No, darling! She’ll wear out your precious little lips with all those peasant babies’ rough foreheads.

CHILD YEMILINA

She gives me lots of lipsil, Mommy.

NAZZY

Bye, Yemilina – grownup Yemilina, I mean. See you whenever future me gets back.

YEMILINA

(singing)

But we don’t know where or…

(throat clear)

(talking:)

We don’t know where or when you went.

NAZZY

Neither do I.

SOUND: time travel begins

KING DAVID

Goodbye, my angel.

CHILD YEMILINA

Bye, Daddy.

SOUND: time travel ends

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(frustrated noise)

SOUND: giant footsteps

SOUND: sloshing potion

TODDLER

Um, Hello.

ENELCIA

That’s all the EEK around here well coated in that miracle goop! We’re off to pour more on the EEK castle. Mm, I’m excited.

TODDLER

Me carry potion!

TELOOPA

Careful with that! Couldn’t one of the grownup giants carry it?

TODDLER

Me big. Me careful.

ENELCIA

Do we have something super distracting to give him instead? Like a gigantic fuzzy caterpillar? He’d totally put the potion down if you had that. He would.

TELOOPA

(disgusted noise)

Whatever. I’ll just make more.

WENOBURT

Giant fuzzy caterpillars? I wanna come!

SOUND: running child footsteps

TELOOPA

Is that the only part you heard? She doesn’t have — wait, you’re getting out of our hair. Have fun!

SOUND: receding giant footsteps

SOUND: croaking frogs

SOUND: sheathed sword

SOUND: horse trotting with clanking armor

SOUND: horse whinny

SOUND: saddle movement

SOUND: footsteps with clanking armor

YEMILINA

(cheering)

Oh, you were wonderful! You must have slayed dozens of dragons. It was such a blur. I lost count.

SIR JP

We seem to have a lot of frogs instead.

TELOOPA

They’re just in denial that they are frogs. They’ll find ponds eventually.

SIR JP

You changed half the crowd into frogs!

TELOOPA

And notice how the sap bugs have retreated to their hive?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I did notice that. It’s brilliant!

SOUND: croaking frogs

YEMILINA

Do you still like the way my chest expands? How was our kiss? I didn’t have much time to read your expression.

SIR JP

I have deep and shallow feelings I’d like to explore with you.

YEMILINA

Deep ones, too? Oh, my.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

An ideal suitor, darling. A brave knight born to noble parents.

SIR JP

Uh…

YEMILINA

Peasants, mother. I love him anyway!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

La, la, la, Duke’s son. I’m sure he was switched at birth.

SOUND: clanking armor

YEMILINA

I hope you don’t need my mother’s enlightenment to kiss me again?

SIR JP

I feel I should speak to your father.

SOUND: ghost flying

SIR JP

King David, may I have your permission to court your daughter?

KING DAVID

What are your intentions…

SOUND: ghost whoosh

KING DAVID

…with Sir JP?

YEMILINA

Well, father, I intend to take off all his armor and dress his wounds, and I shall stroke him and kiss him, and if he’s not too badly injured, I might make babies with him.

SIR JP

(reaction)

SOUND: ghost whoosh

KING DAVID

Sir JP, you have my blessing, not my permission. Farewell.

YEMILINA

Bye, Father!

SOUND: ghost disappearing

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: kiss

YEMILINA

(giggle)

SOUND: croaking frogs

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Teloopa, talented daughter of Nolla…you shall be my new royal sorcerer!

TELOOPA

I don’t like employment. Too constraining.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Silly girl. It is the greatest honor to be--

TELOOPA

Why don’t you ask my mother?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Can she turn people into frogs as efficiently as you can?

TELOOPA

She’s more into psychological curses.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

But I want frogs! I must have my frogs to keep the sap bugs under control. It is my royal decree that all lawbreakers shall be transformed into frogs from this day forth.

TELOOPA

I’ll frog people for gold.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

That’s employment.

TELOOPA

Respectfully, Your Majesty…can we call it bribery? I’d be a lot more comfortable with that.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Bribed you shall be. Come. We’ll discuss the informal details over here, away from this intrusive vivicord.

SOUND: retreating footsteps

SOUND: vivicord cutting out

INT COTTAGE

SOUND: vivicord starting up
 SOUND: footsteps on dirt

SOUND: clanking armor

SOUND: dress movement

SOUND: cottage door opening

SOUND: footsteps on creaky floor

SOUND: cottage door closing

YEMILINA

Is this your cottage? It looks just like the one where I saw your parents. But with all this armor hanging on the walls…

SIR JP

It’s where I sleep. Keep stuff.

YEMILINA

You mean your home.

SIR JP

My home is Wilzerlott.

YEMILINA

Yes, it’s about the people, isn’t it? I don’t think of the castle as my home anymore, either.

SIR JP       

That makes sense. It doesn’t have a roof or walls or a floor.

SOUND: sitting on bed

YEMILINA

I’d better sleep here tonight, don’t you think?

SOUND: small kisses

SOUND: vivicord arrives

SIR JP

I thought we were alone.

YEMILINA

I’ll send it out soon. We must say goodbye to the cave people.

SIR JP

I don’t talk to cave people.

YEMILINA

Try. For me?

SOUND: big kiss

SIR JP

(sigh)

Nosy future humans, now we are no longer facing world-ending conflicts, our lives can’t possibly interest you. Goodbye. It’s been nice tolerating you.

YEMILINA

And we’ll be back June 3rd 2023.

SIR JP

My remarks were meant as a final goodbye.

YEMILINA

Don’t mind him. We’ll be back.

SIR JP

Why June 3rd?

YEMILINA

Well, that’s a long time for the cave people to wait. Nazzy can’t possibly take longer than that to get back to her documentary duties.

SIR JP

Why not?

YEMILINA

Because we’d get podfade.

SIR JP

(scoffing noise)

SOUND: giant footsteps approaching

SOUND: toddler laughing

SOUND: window opening

TODDLER GIANT

Hello!

YEMILINA

Awww, it’s that giant toddler who almost destroyed us all. He’s so cute!

SIR JP

Go away!

TODDLER GIANT

Me want book, okay?

YEMILINA

Oh, he wants us to read to him. Isn’t that sweet?

SIR JP

We’re not babysitting a giant.

YEMILINA

He’s just a baby.

TODDLER GIANT

Chicken poop.

YEMILINA

Perhaps he wants a book about chicken poop.

TODDLER GIANT

Chicken all gone. Me need go get.

SOUND: giant footsteps receding

YEMILINA

Or he’s chasing the source of chicken poop. Is there a henhouse nearby?

SIR JP

(calling out)

Don’t hurry back.

YEMILINA

(calling out)

Yes, go find your mother.

SOUND: kisses

SOUND: armor clanking

SOUND: dress movement

SOUND: bed creaking

SOUND: vivicord

SIR JP

Be gone, vivicord!

SOUND: vivicord yelp

SOUND: kissing

YEMILINA

Farewell, cave people of the future. You must forgive this long break since we are missing our time traveller. If you are listening to this, you know we get her back. How else would this vivicord recording make it to your internet? Don’t ask me why she can’t time travel everything back to one date and let you binge lesson. She never answers that. Anyway…

SOUND: bed creaking

YEMILINA

Thank you for sticking with us. If we’re not dessert for dragons who haven’t quite filled up on EEK, you shall hear more June 3rd. Wish us luck!

SOUND: closing theme music