S2 E8: Cave People Q&A II

Safe in Nazzy's dragon-proof home, Nazzy and Yemilina answer your questions and speculate on answers absent friends would give.

Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina

Any questions or comments most welcome at wilzerlott@gmail.com

Transcript

SOUND: Opening theme music

INT – NAZZY’S COTTAGE

SOUND: Creaking floorboards

SOUND: Footsteps on broken glass

SOUND: One broom sweeping broken glass

YEMILINA

I can’t believe Pisanna did this to you. You’d think someone who makes beautiful things would be beautiful on the inside, too.

NAZZY

It’s not too bad. Just the corners left.

YEMILINA

How can you be so calm? She vandalized your home, and she didn’t even get turned into a frog for it. Why don’t you just pop back in time to stop her? I think I know when she must have done it. It had to be around—

NAZZY

No thanks. I’d rather clean up.

YEMILINA

But Nazzy—

NAZZY

I probably messed up her timeline somehow. It’s not my first statement from a stranger.

YEMILINA

How would she know whether or not she has a better timeline that’s not this one? She’s not a time traveller.

NAZZY

But there are spells that peek into alternate realities. She might have a clue why she’s mad.

YEMILINA

You saved the whole world from the Box of Doom. You do not deserve petty grievances.

NAZZY

Maybe not. But I tend to lose track of all my peeled apart and patched up timelines. It’s easier to assume I’m guilty.

YEMILINA

Oh, all right. If that’s what you really want. Hand me that broom.

SOUND: Two brooms sweeping broken glass

NAZZY

That’s better. Ready to answer some questions from future cave people?

YEMILINA

Just let me get comfortable.

SOUND: Sitting on couch

YEMILINA

Alright. What have they got to say?

NAZZY

Anonymous listeners ask…

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Does the Toddler Giant have any powers? What are they?

YEMILINA

He thwarts Mijar with his giant boogers. Isn’t that enough?

NAZZY

You would think. I better sit down, too.

SOUND: Sitting on couch

NAZZY

Some of these questions are strange.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

This one is: ‘do you guys eat’?

YEMILINA

Of course! Do they think we photosynthesize like plants? I thought they knew us better than that.

NAZZY

Maybe they wrote it in a hurry, and they really meant ‘what do you guys eat?’ Mutton, potatoes—

YEMILINA

No, Nazzy, don’t enlighten such a sloppy cave person. They ought to take the time to phrase things correctly.

NAZZY

Well, other listeners might still like to know.

YEMILINA

Oh, all right. Mutton and potatoes, like you said. Eggs, fish, cabbage, eels, pheasants, spiders, apples, roasted rodents, fried woozles, and of course bread. Although now that I’m pregnant, I do seem to be craving berries the most. Next question.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Does Wenoburt have powers? Are they bug powers? Can he talk to bugs?

YEMILINA

I have seen him talk to bugs. I’m just not certain that it’s in a more special way than the way that any child does.

NAZZY

I know his adult self became an expert right out of school. He could have accelerated his knowledge through a magical connection with insects.

YEMILINA

So we’ll go with maybe he has bug powers. We’ll keep an eye out for them.

NAZZY

I sometimes worry he’s squandering his bug expert potential…now that he’s becoming sidetracked by the prospect of dragon slaying.

YEMILINA

You mustn’t blame yourself for that.

NAZZY

Thanks, but—

YEMILINA

You saved his life in our final battle against the EEK.

NAZZY

You seem to think life-saving absolves me of all life-meddling.

YEMILINA

That’s because it does. Let’s move on.

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Will the Sap Bugs ever leave you alone? Hmm…well, we have bug experts on it. Or…I guess we don’t because they were eaten by dragons.

NAZZY

Once Wenoburt grows up, he’ll find a way to…uh…unless I ruined any chance of him becoming—

YEMILINA

Sap Bugs are other worldly beings from a different dimension, so he might never have had a hope of becoming well-versed in them.

NAZZY

Good point. We’d do better with a portal expert.

YEMILINA

Like that bishop who helped to open the Sap Bugs’ dimension in the first place?

NAZZY

I think he was eaten.

YEMILINA

You should fix that.

NAZZY

(sigh)

I have trouble prioritizing whose timelines I should mess up.

YEMILINA

Make it easy on yourself and just do it on request. My request.

NAZZY

It is nice to unshoulder the blame. Oh, here’s a related question.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Are there more portals to other dimensions?

YEMILINA

Yes. Infinitely more than portal experts open.

NAZZY

You know, the Sap Bugs may not even be the first addition to our kingdom that didn’t originate here.

YEMILINA

Here’s one for you.

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Nazzy, will you investigate this: how many boyfriends does Teloopa have? 

NAZZY

Ooo…that’s awfully nosy.

YEMILINA

But isn’t this sort of thing the best way to generate interest from future humans? They like intimate information, don’t they? Scandals and real life drama? You told me—

NAZZY

Okay, I’ll look around. Just looking, though. I’ll report back.

YEMILINA

Oh, before you go, there are follow up questions!

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Do the boyfriends know about each other? Are they all frogs? How long have they been frogs? Should someone rescue them?

NAZZY

Got it. Checking on all the hard facts.

YEMILINA

So not the rescue suggestion then?

SOUND: Time Travel - departure

YEMILINA

Forgive us, fair listeners. That last question demands our opinions on a delicate subject. I personally don’t like to go interfering in other people’s love lives, but I know in your culture it may be perceived as insensitive to write off the less fortunate half of a breakup with ‘oh well, frog now.’ At least I hope she broke up with them before she turned them into frogs. It would be dreadfully lazy of her to use that instead of a breakup speech. I’m sure they at least deserved some flowery platitudes before…their flowery lily pads.

SOUND: Time Travel - arrival

YEMILINA

Ulgh! You smell like bog.

SOUND: Wet footsteps

NAZZY

Well, that’s where I was.

SOUND: Sit on couch

YEMILINA

(coughing)

So?

NAZZY

If by ‘boyfriend’ we are identifying each young man Teloopa became romantically invested in for a day or longer…

YEMILINA

It’s bad, isn’t it? How many?

NAZZY

Twenty-one men she dated are currently frogs.

YEMILINA

(gasp)

NAZZY

As to ‘are they all frogs?’ I think there’s a chance she was a less talented sorceress as a teenager and any boyfriends she had back then are still in their original bodies.

YEMILINA

And do they all know each other? The frog-men?

NAZZY

Well, they seem to know each other now. I can’t be certain, since I don’t speak frog, but there is a daily meeting of exactly twenty-one who ribbit to each other in solemn tones. I can only assume they formed a support group.

YEMILINA

Do they warn new men away from Teloopa? They could really hurt her dating life if they get organized.

NAZZY

I don’t think they’ve worked up the nerve.

YEMILINA

And how long have they been frogs?

NAZZY

First one was nine years ago. The most recent – six months ago.

YEMILINA

Oh, good for her. She’s gone a whole six months without a breakup.

NAZZY

That was around the time she got hired to be the new Royal Sorcerer. She might have just gotten too busy.

YEMILINA

It’s a breather for her unlucky suitors none the less. I’ve found another one for you…

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Nazzy, when will the world end for the cave people of 2024? I want to prepare.

NAZZY

For your own protection, dear listener, I am not investigating that one.

YEMILINA

Quite right. A prepper who knows the date of cave people’s extinction is bound to spread panic in the global community. It is global, isn’t it? Spread by that net in their machines? 

NAZZY

The internet. Yeah, that’s global.

YEMILINA

And it won’t matter exactly what that date is because it’s always closer than a doomed species would like it to be. If you verify that date, it will bring chaos down on whatever stability is left in Earth’s future.

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Nazzy, who are you in love with?

NAZZY

What?

YEMILINA

It’s the next question.

NAZZY

Aren’t there any for you?

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Not that I saw. I suppose my love for a dragon who used to be a knight isn’t exciting enough to unpack.

NAZZY

Got one. Yemilina, how long have you been pregnant? How long were you pregnant as a dove? When are you due? Is it going to be a dove baby?

YEMILINA

Two months. I was a dove for almost five days. I’m due in the spring of 846 AD. I believe it will be part dove, mostly human. And why did you dodge your question? Who are you in love with?

NAZZY

Well, no one right now. I’m juggling enough.

YEMILINA

A person you’re in love with is not a ball in the air. What about that jester who used to do comedy skits at the castle – Jerry?

NAZZY

That was thirty-two years ago. I moved on.

YEMILINA

To whom?

NAZZY

Oh, a poet, briefly. Then a blacksmith. Honestly, it’s been a while.

YEMILINA

So I missed your most romantic years when you dropped me three decades past them?

NAZZY

You make it sound like I did that on purpose, so you wouldn’t tease me.

YEMILINA

Don’t be silly. I wouldn’t have done that. I’d have hounded you for juicy details after every one of your dates, but that’s not the same thing.

NAZZY

Anyway ‘no one’ was the answer. Here’s a question for Enelcia.

YEMILINA

She’s not here.

NAZZY

Let’s read it anyway.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Enelcia, why is your kid still a frog? You need therapy.

YEMILINA

Yes, she does.

NAZZY

We agree.

YEMILINA

We should tell her she has a problem.

NAZZY

I sort of told her once. Then she lashed out and brought up my kidnapping history.

YEMILINA

We’ll tell her together next time. Ooo, here’s another one.

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Enelcia, are you in love? Awww…

NAZZY

How come she gets ‘are you’ and I just get ‘who’?

YEMILINA

I expect in their world men are attracted to powerful women. They can’t imagine someone like you having no suitors.

NAZZY

Maybe we need more romance in our documentary now that you and Sir JP aren’t quite in the same place.

YEMILINA

I’ll give them a guess. I think Enelica loves the sweet elfin stranger who comforted her after her baby’s father ran off with that lustful troll maiden.

NAZZY

Is that really why he left?

YEMILINA

Yes. She doesn’t like to dwell on it. Anyway, her sweet new man knows that most people in her life are hoping she and her baby’s father will get back together, and so he agrees to act like a casual friend while anyone of that mind is watching. In secret… they are passionately devoted to each other and he’s already adopted the baby!

NAZZY

So if it turns out that she really does have a boyfriend, do you think he’ll help us tell her that she should let that baby be an elf again?

YEMILINA

If he truly loves her, he will! He’ll help her even if she hates him for it. Alternatively – if their trust is shaky or he is selfishly clinging to her approval – he’ll feed her ‘good parent’ delusion until that poor frog baby croaks.

NAZZY

She croaks all the time.

YEMILINA

I mean dies of old age. Frog life spans are shorter than elf life spans, aren’t they?

NAZZY

Not when they’re enchanted frogs.

YEMILINA

Oh. Well, until she’s eaten by a snake then. An ironically tragic end, considering the whole point of her transformation was to keep her safe from dragons.

NAZZY

When we talk to Enelcia, let’s save that prediction for last. We can ease her into a wake up call with stuff like…her kid missing out on a normal elf childhood.

YEMILINA

That’s probably the kinder strategy. Any more questions?

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Why did Mijar turn Sir JP into a dragon?

YEMILINA

(angry noise)

Because Mijar is a foul, flaming heap of dragon dung.

NAZZY

Yes, but…the motivation?

YEMILINA

Oh, I don’t know. He was hoping Wilzerlott’s greatest hero would terrorize us and make him look like the hero.

NAZZY

Or maybe it was just for his amusement? He likes creative punishments, doesn’t he? Teloopa told me he punished your mother with—

YEMILINA

No! You promised.

NAZZY

Sorry, sorry…the queen. He punished the queen with a pot of gold that never gets full.

YEMILINA

There was nothing creative about his wolf assassins.

NAZZY

Yeah, that one was pure savagery. More on Mijar…

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Why is he trying to take over? Does he have control issues? Does he need therapy?

YEMILINA

Because his heart is also a piece of dragon dung. Yes. And yes.

NAZZY

Why is it that cave people are so interested in therapy? And for someone like Mijar…

YEMILINA

It might have to do with limitations in their justice system. They can’t turn their evil tyrants into frogs, and so they must resort to fixing them somehow.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Why does the queen suddenly care? Just because her daughter is a dove?

YEMILINA

I don’t like that question. It implies I have a mother.

NAZZY

And that you’re still a dove.

YEMILINA

Must be outdated.

NAZZY

Besides, the queen has always cared about you. It would only be sudden if she cared about anyone else…besides your father, I suppose.

YEMILINA

No! Do not give her credit for that. She’s the reason he’s a ghost.

NAZZY

She might still—

YEMILINA

Care about him deep, deep down? Don’t you dare, Nazzy! We hate her forever and that really ought to be easy for you.

NAZZY

Moving on…

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Is the royal family related to any of the other people in your documentary?

YEMILINA

No. Do you think I should have some distant cousins featured? We might well find that their lives meet listener expectations. Better romances, perhaps? Lots of therapy?

NAZZY

Do you know your distant cousins?

YEMILINA

I don’t even know they exist, but if they do, the queen did something horrid to hide them from me. 

NAZZY

Didn’t mean to drag you back to her. How about…

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Are there more realistic animals?

YEMILINA

What do they mean by realistic? Solid? Touchable? Anything that consumes of the Earth and gives back to it?

NAZZY

They might mean horses. Cats? Frogs – the ones that aren’t people, obviously.

YEMILINA

What classifies those as ‘real’ animals? A Pegasus has just as realistic a digestive tract as a horse has. Dragon dung is very real. I suppose it makes sense to exclude the frogs with remnants of humans in them – although dragon dung has that, too.

NAZZY

I think our listener phrased it wrong. Probably trying to find the overlap with creatures they have in their time.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

We never know the weather. What’s the weather?

YEMILINA

I’ll check.

SOUND: rising from couch

SOUND: footsteps on creaky floor

SOUND: window opens

SOUND: forest ambiance

YEMILINA

Sunny with a mild chilly breeze.

SOUND: window closes

SOUND: footsteps on creaky floor

SOUND: sitting on couch

NAZZY

Does it snow? Do dragons hibernate in winter?

YEMILINA

We have short winters – about two months of snow. Tropical dragons migrate away during that time, but cold weather dragons flock to Wilzerlott and it really doesn’t make much difference in our death count.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Can Teloopa teach us potions?

YEMILINA

Chemistry only, I’m afraid. Without magic, any ingredients she can advise you to combine will not have any magical effect.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Do you have cars? Carriages? Is it always animals?

YEMILINA

What are cars?

NAZZY

A sort of horseless carriage controlled by future technology.

YEMILINA

Right, so no. Actual carriages for slow occasions, like parades. In general, we prefer a speedy mount like a Pegasus – the better to outfly dragon attacks. Let me read these.

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

What year is it? How are you so advanced?

NAZZY

We’re not by car standards.

YEMILINA

It’s the year 845 AD, fair listeners, but Nazzy told me last time you don’t understand our calendar, so it’s best to call it one million years before you.

NAZZY

AD stands for ‘after dragons.’ And you know, there are ways we run our society every day that are by hand, or by using tools you cave people would consider antiquated. Magic doesn’t solve everything.

YEMILINA

Especially when it goes wrong. I know Sir JP, he…. he used to say he’d take a horse and a sword over a spell any day.

(sniffling)

NAZZY

Are you okay?

YEMILINA

I’m just having a hard time picturing the simple things right now. I mean, when I’m having a nap and he’s watching our baby, what if our baby needs a cuddle and dragon claws don’t know how to do that?

NAZZY

Aww, he could…play light games with it. You know, fire in lanterns? Or shadow puppets? He could make the baby laugh instead.

YEMILINA

But it’s irresponsible to raise a child to be comfortable around a dragon! What if every dragon starts to look like daddy to our innocent little idiot? Our baby will be—

NAZZY

Your baby will have the best bodyguard in the world. It’ll be okay.

YEMILINA

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Give me that scroll.

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

What’s your time zone? How does time work?

(derisive noise)

Nazzy, you tell them.

NAZZY

Time is linear unless you’re me. We haven’t invented time zones yet.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Here’s a good one we can both answer. What is your favourite book?

YEMILINA

Oh…I think that would have to be The Dream-Weaving Tides of 10 BD to 10 AD by Miranda Clearwater. She was the first mermaid to ever sell a book on land. It’s a history of the dreams merpeople wove for children and how dramatically the content shifted between the years our world had zero dragons and the years they sprang into being. It’s fascinating.

NAZZY

People living in 10 BD must have called that time something else. They didn’t know dragons were coming, so they wouldn’t have referenced it. Unless there were time travellers guiding the calendar scribes. I should look into that.

YEMILINA

What’s your favourite book?

NAZZY

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. 

YEMILINA

I’ve never heard of that one.

NAZZY

It’s from the future. 1818.

YEMILINA

It’s cheating to use Earth’s entire timeline to choose a book. Pick something in your own lifetime.

NAZZY

Oh. Well…The Great Deeds of Best Friends by Alfred Normus. Coincidentally, that was the first book ever sold by a giant. Really celebrates the strong community ties between elves and giants.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Do you listen to music?

YEMILINA

I enjoy the music of bards and minstrels. Teloopa does not.

NAZZY

I like the lute.

SOUND: Rustling paper

YEMILINA

Do you have health care? Huh? I think most people care about their health.

NAZZY

They mean healers. Can anyone get a healer and the right potions when they’re sick?

YEMILINA

Oh, yes. Even peasants have full access to those. It is very important to avoid secondary causes of death, since death by dragon is so often unavoidable. I’m glad cave people have frames of reference for healers. That must mean they have something similar. What would they be called without magical context…expert body fixers?

NAZZY

Doctors.

YEMILINA

If you’re never going to take me to visit the future, you must at least make me a Wilzerlott-to-Cavepeople dictionary.

NAZZY

Never say never.

YEMILINA

Ooo, would you really try again? I would dearly love to see their caves first-hand.

NAZZY

Maybe after I test run the trip with some enchanted frogs. Not to brag, but I am getting more talented every decade.

YEMILINA

(squeal)

I’m excited. Oh! I think my bird baby is fluttering. He or she is excited, too.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

What kind of clothing do you wear?

YEMILINA

Well…

SOUND: Rustling dress

YEMILINA

This dress Mijar gave me when he was Sap-Silly is elaborately decorated with silver gems in flower patterns. The material is thick and silky. It’s a v-neck with puffy sleeves and multiple petticoats.

NAZZY

In general, we Wilzerlott citizens wear tunics and leggings. Cloaks and boots. Most women don’t wear dresses, unless they’re nobility or they work in artistic professions.

YEMILINA

Here’s a ridiculous one.

SOUND: rustling paper

YEMILINA

(snort of derision)

Has anyone ever ridden or trained a dragon. Uh, no! Not until the love of my life became one and he’s only a dragon on the outside, so he doesn’t really count.

(sniffling)

NAZZY

Are you sure you’re okay?

YEMILINA

(muttering to self)

I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I do! I am not this shallow.

NAZZY

Let me find a question that has nothing to do with you.

YEMILINA

(deep breath)

Okay.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Do fairies have professions? What does Rose do? Does everyone have jobs? What are they?

YEMILINA

Most fairies harvest magic flowers for merchants, but like any race, that’s a stereotype. There will always be fairies who would rather design clothes or play sports…become chefs or entertainers…I believe Rose is a flower collector, though, isn’t she?

NAZZY

When she feels like it. Fairies often have big support systems, too. Lots of connected families. They only need a handful of relatives to work hard. The rest take time to find themselves.

YEMILINA

I’m glad she doesn’t work too hard. It’s important to stop and smell the roses, isn’t it? Fragrant flowers, I mean, not versions of herself.

NAZZY

As for everyone else, it really depends on their station. Peasants have jobs: carvers who work with wood, criers who carry messages across the kingdom, monks who lead prayer groups. Nobility either get bored and ultimately decide to become useful in some way, or… 

YEMILINA

Or they cling to their precious titles and demand to be babied with silver spoons their entire lives. You can prompt me for all insults to nobility. I know it makes you uncomfortable.

NAZZY

Thank you.

YEMILINA

For the record, I was considering an apprenticeship in dream-weaving before the merpeople got distracted by our impending apocalypse.

NAZZY

That was distracting for all of us. This one’s for you. It’s not as stupid as the dragon training question.

YEMILINA

Then I can take it.

SOUND: rustling paper

NAZZY

Is Yemilina a vegetarian?

YEMILINA

That one is almost as stupid. I already answered it when I said I eat pheasants and—

NAZZY

Maybe they’re asking because our cover cavewoman is a vegetarian.

YEMILINA

Our cover cavewoman…you mean the writer? The one passing us off as fiction to skeptical future humans?

NAZZY

That’s the one.

YEMILINA

What has she to do with me?

NAZZY

Umm…conspiracy theory. Not important. Next question!

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Are Pegasus common?

YEMILINA

Semi common. And what do you mean by conspiracy theory? I want no affiliation with some conceited cavewoman! You go fix that. 

NAZZY

Time travel can’t really mold the opinions of future humans.

YEMILINA

If they have incorrect opinions, we must educate them somehow!

NAZZY

Do you want to stop? There’s only two questions left. We could save them for next time.

YEMILINA

No, no. Let’s have them.

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Why do you dramatically make explosions happen and then leave? That one must be for Teloopa.

YEMILINA

She’s not here. Next question.

NAZZY

If we can speculate about Enelcia’s love life, I think we can—

YEMILINA

I speculate that Teloopa would resent the implication that this is a frequent behaviour of hers. She blew up a castle one time, and she wasn’t dramatic – I was.

NAZZY

Hmm…okay, final question…

SOUND: Rustling paper

NAZZY

Are you going to rebuild the castle?

YEMILINA

Hmm, interesting thought. My instinct is ‘no.’

NAZZY

The queen is currently trapped in a maze. The monarchy is falling apart. Maybe we should build something else there.

YEMILINA

A water park for merchildren, so they can meet human and elf children who don’t play in their lake. We could dig a channel from the lake as a sort of road to the park. And a high roof over the area to protect it from rain and dragons.

NAZZY

Ooo, that’s a good one. Or how about a community greenhouse with some built in gardening charms? One free basket of vegetables for any family who will come and harvest their own. 

YEMILINA

Oh, but we could really use more dragonslayers. Perhaps a better training academy for the knights is needed? There’s enough space where the castle was that we could even add a community greenhouse to a training academy.

NAZZY

We could.

YEMILINA

And we should stick a childcare house right in the middle of it. Dragons wouldn’t dare attack children if they were gathered under the same roof as burly knights training all day how to kill them.

NAZZY

I like it.

YEMILINA

We’d better leave it there. My bird baby is hungry.

NAZZY

Yes, time for dinner. Farewell, cave people of the future.

YEMILINA

Thank you for listening.

NAZZY

If we are not charred by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck.

SOUND: closing theme music