S2 E14: Some Conceited Cave Woman

Excited to be exploring the distant future of 2024, Yemilina is in for a nasty surprise when Nazzy brings her to the very cave woman who claims to be the creator of Wilzerlott.

Written and produced by Jennifer Lott
(despite what Yemilina says)

Voice Actors
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
Jennifer Lott as herself
Nicole Stoner as Enelcia

Transcript

SOUND: Opening theme music

EXT – STREET IN PRINCE GEORGE

SOUND: City ambiance

SOUND: Traffic

YEMILINA

Why are there so many of these things? Where are they all going? These noisy…rolling…cars, did you say?

NAZZY

Yes, there are rather a lot of them. People don’t like walking far, especially in the snow. It snows half the year in Prince George.

YEMILINA

How horrid! Ooo, it is cold now that you mention it. No snow, though.

NAZZY

Not yet. It’s coming soon.

YEMILINA

(shivering)

I need a cloak. Or perhaps one of these car things would warm me up. There – that man looks quite toasty inside his car. See? No cloak. Do cars come and carry you if you call them? I don’t suppose it’s the same as calling a Pegasus?

NAZZY

No, it’s not. We can walk to the basement where I transfer our recordings to the internet. It’s that house on the corner. Come along, vivicord.

SOUND: Vivicord walking

SOUND: Footsteps on pavement

SOUND: Halloween animatronic – cackling witch

YEMILINA

(gasps)

NAZZY

It’s okay. That’s not a real witch.

YEMILINA

I should think not. It looks nothing like Teloopa. More like a skinny troll with warts.

SOUND: Halloween animatronics

SOUND: Cackling witch

YEMILINA

Oh! It has an evil laugh worse than Mijar’s. Why does it move so stiffly?

NAZZY

It’s a decoration for Halloween.

YEMILINA

Hallo-what?

NAZZY

Ween. The cave people decorate the outside of their homes to look scary and then children come and ask for candy.

YEMILINA

Why on Earth should children approach frightening places when they want candy? Aren’t there markets where candy can be bought safely?

NAZZY

It’s not about the candy. It’s celebrating…umm…

SOUND: Halloween animatronics – groaning zombies

NAZZY

Well, zombies, and umm…

SOUND: Halloween animatronics – scuttling spiders

NAZZY

…spiders. I have a bit more research to do, but I know it’s fun. Kids get to play dress up.

YEMILINA

They pretend to be monsters and arachnids?

NAZZY

Technically, we’d fit in here on Halloween. A princess and a time traveler.

YEMILINA

But that’s not dressing up.

NAZZY

Not to us, but I bet the cave people would think your dress is fancy enough to be a costume.

YEMILINA

Oh, so Halloween is a fashion show? Why didn’t you just say that?

SOUND: Knocking on door

YEMILINA

Hello! We are dressed appropriately and demand candy.

NAZZY

Not today. It’s eleven days from now.

YEMILINA

Eleven days!

SOUND: Halloween animatronics

YEMILINA

Why would they decorate their cave like this if Halloween is eleven—

NAZZY

They’re just keeners. Come on. We can go right in.

INT – HOUSE IN PRINCE GEORGE

SOUND: Screen door opening

SOUND: Dogs barking

YEMILINA

(gasp)

NAZZY

These are tame wolves.

YEMILINA

I wish I had my wolf-banishing drum.

NAZZY

They’re pets. They won’t bite.

YEMILINA

(nervous)

They don’t like me.

NAZZY

Sure, they do. They’re just excited. This way, come on.

SOUND: Vivicord walking

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps on wooden floor

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps on stairs

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps on concrete

SOUND: Dogs fading out

YEMILINA

What a mess! Is this a storage vault that exploded?

NAZZY

It’s a bit cluttered. Kids do that to a house. Here we are. This is the quiet room.

SOUND: Door opening

SOUND: Door closing

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps on wooden floor

NAZZY

This is where I share our documentary with the cave people.

YEMILINA

Oooo, what is this big black thing hanging down?

NAZZY

Microphone. This is what vivicords look like in 2024.

SOUND: Vivicord yelp

YEMILINA

There, there, vivicord. I don’t blame you for being alarmed. Your descendent looks dead.

NAZZY

It was never alive.

YEMILINA

It’s much uglier than you, too.

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

YEMILINA

You’re welcome. Who do you talk to here, Nazzy? You must interview a few cave people to learn so much about them.

NAZZY

There are some people I talk to as if I belong to this time, so they don’t get nervous or confused. That makes questions harder to frame. The cave woman who spends time in this room knows who I really am, so maybe if you have questions, you could ask her.

YEMILINA

Wait a minute…this isn’t the same cave woman you told me about before? The narcissist who changed her last name to make it look like she has some kind of godly influence over Wilzerlott?

NAZZY

Well…uh…

YEMILINA

Nazzy, I don’t want to meet her! She’s—

SOUND: Door opening

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden floor

JENNIFER

Hey! Welcome to my recording studio. I’m so happy we’re finally doing this.

YEMILINA

Is that her? Who do you think you are!

JENNIFER

Oh, Jennifer Lott. Hi. I build your story with scripts and sounds. It’s an honor to meet you.

YEMILINA

It is appalling to be meeting you. Nazzy told me there was some conceited cave woman taking credit for our existence.

NAZZY

It’s okay, princess. Jennifer is just our cover for non-believers. Don’t let her upset you. Nice new microphone, by the way. Mind if I keep the old one as a souvenir from your time?

JENNIFER

Sure. Take some junk from the pile out there, too, if you want. We have too many toys.

NAZZY

I’ll be back in a minute.

SOUND: Retreating footsteps

YEMILINA

What do you have to say for yourself, fraud?

JENNIFER

I did write you into existence.

YEMILINA

You most certainly did not! We’re making a documentary.

JENNIFER

Yeah, I wrote that, too. That’s what you’re supposed to think.

YEMILINA

You do not write what I think!

JENNIFER

It is especially cool when it doesn’t feel that way, yeah.

YEMILINA

Stop talking like I’m not here!

JENNIFER

Of course, you’re here. I voice your part. You don’t hear it?

YEMILINA

Hear what?

JENNIFER

Our voices. They’re the same.

YEMILINA

They are not!

JENNIFER

I try to make you sound sillier than my natural talking voice. You know, more dramatic.

YEMILINA

Then how do you explain this? Hm? Nazzy bringing me here to talk to you? 

JENNIFER

Oh, I was inspired by that Mork and Mindy episode where Mork gets to meet Robin Williams, and that little bonus bit in ElfQuest where Wendy Pini draws herself into a scene with Cutter and Skywise—

YEMILINA

You’re talking nonsense! Who are all those people?

JENNIFER

What I mean is I wrote this, too. I’m writing everything we say.

YEMILINA

(angry noise)

JENNIFER

This is frustrating for you. I’m sorry.

YEMILINA

Is this how you entertain yourself? Playing mind games with innocent real people, pretending you’re a people-inventor!

JENNIFER

Well, see, I’m really a novelist.

YEMILINA

Oh, are you? Really? How sophisticated for you. Here I thought you were only a bloated peacock about your little vivicord studio, but oh, no, Wilzerlott is the shallow end of your playground. You’re a novelist.

JENNIFER

I am. It’s just a long process to get my books noticed by all the right, uh…gatekeepers.

YEMILINA

Guards at gates have to notice your books?

JENNIFER

Sort of. It’s hard to get their attention.

YEMILINA

Why? Are they sleepy guards? Do you throw your books at them to wake them up?

JENNIFER

Well…

YEMILINA

I suppose that might injure them, too. Are your books very heavy?

JENNIFER

It just takes a long time. I figured if I have you Wilzerlott people for my right now sharing fun, I can wait a lot longer for the…gate thing.

YEMILINA

You shall wait in vain forever. It’s obvious that your intellect is negligible. You can’t possibly produce literature worthy of anyone’s notice.

JENNIFER

I’ll try not to take that personally.

YEMILINA

Were you worthier of it, I could give you the luck you need to wake those gate guards. But you have mortally offended a real princess and that’s why you’ll never be a novelist! Only my lucky kiss could have saved you from obscurity.

JENNIFER

I think I can count on my own persistence without worrying about the lottery in your lips.

YEMILINA

What lottery? What is that word? Why can’t you just admit you’re a big fraud who sounds nothing like me? If you admit you never created me, I might still kiss your newborn forehead.

JENNIFER

Look, if me being your creator really bothers you that much…well, there’s this episode of Buffy where there’s a chance she’s just been in a mental institution and nothing fantastical has actually been happening the whole series, but it’s set up in such a way that she could also have been poisoned in the fantastical world and the mental institution was actually the illusion, so the audience can decide which version they want to believe. You can make that decision, too—

YEMILINA

Stop making references I don’t understand!

JENNIFER

I’m sorry I’m geeking out. I’m just excited.

YEMILINA

About what? How can you possibly be excited to meet me? If you really believe you made me up, that you even use your own voice to make me talk…

JENNIFER

Right…

YEMILINA

Then you think you’re talking to yourself right now? Literally…out loud…talking to yourself.

JENNIFER

Yeah, just like Ryan George.

YEMILINA

You’re doing it again! Who is that?

JENNIFER

Youtuber. He’s really funny.

YEMILINA

I suppose you think you’re funny, too. Do you know what you really are? You’re crazy.

JENNIFER

I can’t be both? I mean I think completely sane people become accountants.

YEMILINA

Nazzy! Get me out of here! This primitive cave woman is trying to chop me up into little bits of gray matter in her own brain. She’s unhinged. She admitted it! Save me, Nazzy!

NAZZY

Coming.

SOUND: Approaching footsteps

JENNIFER

Bye, Yemilina! Feel better!

SOUND: Time Travel – departing

YEMILINA

(shuddery groan)

EXT – SIR JP’S COTTAGE

SOUND: Time Travel – arriving

SOUND: Forest ambiance

NAZZY

Sir JP’s cottage is a good place to rest. He’ll watch over you.

SOUND: Flying dragon

SOUND: Soft dragon roar

YEMILINA

I finally get to see 2024, and the best you can give me is that – that – deluded –

Nazzy, how could you?

NAZZY

I’m sorry. I should have thought about it more.

YEMILINA

I want a better tour next time.

NAZZY

I think I can manage that when we’re not in the middle of defeating an evil sorcerer. Are you going to be okay here for a minute? I want to put my souvenirs away. I can come right back.

YEMILINA

Go. I’ll be fine.

SOUND: Time Travel – departing

INT – NAZZY’S COTTAGE

SOUND: Time Travel – arriving

SOUND: Footsteps

SOUND: Crunching glass

NAZZY

Oops. Wrong present. I remember all this glass. Which glass attack was this? Oh well…I think there’s still a safe cupboard space somewhere.

SOUND: Footsteps                                   

SOUND: Crunching glass

SOUND: Cupboard opening

ENELCIA

Nazzy! Where’s Wenoburt? What have you done—

NAZZY

Whoa, he’s not with me. That was a while ago. All sorted out now. Oh, I better stop the recording here. The cave people have heard this part before.

ENELCIA

No, they haven’t! They heard you take Wenoburt! You can’t just stand there and—

NAZZY

Goodbye, fair listeners! Wish us luck!

SOUND: Closing music