S3 E1: Radical Attempts

In her efforts to wipe out sap bugs, Teloopa creates a strange anomaly in the forest.

Written and produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:

Shannon Rea as Nazzy

Tegan Lott as Teloopa

JP Lott as Sir JP

Nicole Stoner as Enelcia

Jennifer Lott as Yemilina

Transcript

SOUND: Opening theme music

INT – SIR JP’S COTTAGE

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden floor

SOUND: Armor clanking

SOUND: Bed rustling and creaking

SOUND: Page turning

SOUND: Weapon hung on wall

YEMILINA

Oh, my love, don’t hang any more of those big, clunky blades on the wall. They block my bookcases. Why do you need so many anyway? Isn’t one sword enough for nostalgic purposes?

SIR JP

I need to keep back-up weapons for emergencies.

YEMILINA

What emergency could there possibly be while we’re here in your cottage? Teloopa’s dragon-proof spells are just as good as Mijar’s. I’m sure of it.

SIR JP

Even if the cottage is well protected as she claims…I may need to step outside sometimes.

YEMILINA

During the one day a week that you’re human, you mean? Why would you leave?

SIR JP

Babies are irrational criers.

YEMILINA

Yes, and they make up for that aggravating quality with their adorable little faces, don’t they? That’s what Enelcia says. It’s a worthwhile trade off.

SIR JP

I don’t think I have the right hormones to feel that way.

YEMILINA

Nonsense. You’ve been carving pictures into that crib all morning. Your paternal affection is bubbling over.

SIR JP

When our baby comes, I will need short cuddles and long walks.

YEMILINA

You underestimate yourself.

SOUND: Time Travel – arriving

NAZZY

Hey, Yemilina. I brought you some more books from the future.

SOUND: Vivicord

SIR JP

Get that vivicord out of here, Time Meddler.

YEMILINA

Oh, I was already using a vivicord before she got here. See? It’s under the bed.

SOUND: Bed movement

SOUND: Vivicord

SIR JP

(sigh)

Why am I in your documentary again? 

YEMILINA

Because the people in it should help us represent all of Wilzerlott. Without an occasional grumble from your deep voice, we look like we’ve expelled our men from society.

SIR JP

(impatient noise)

SOUND: Books stacking on table

SIR JP

No more books! Her bookcases are full.

NAZZY

I’ll just pile the new ones here.

SIR JP

That’s a tipping hazard.

YEMILINA

(laugh)

If you’re going to worry about hazards, shouldn’t we baby-proof the weapons? That double-headed axe in particular has blades dangling awfully close to the floor.

SIR JP

Arrgh, I’ll hang it outside!

SOUND: Removing axe from wall

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden floor

SOUND: Armor clanking

YEMILINA

Or make a well-padded sheath for it, my love, I’m just saying—

SOUND: Door opening

SOUND: Door closing

YEMILINA

(sigh)

I guess cushioning his weapons is too unmanly a prospect.

NAZZY

Maybe. How are you doing?

YEMILINA

Still bored out of my mind. Thanks for the books. I’m developing a real taste for authors who don’t exist yet.

SOUND: Teleporting

TELOOPA

Hey.

YEMILINA

Teloopa, you really mustn’t teleport in on Sir JP’s human day.

TELOOPA

Is that what you told Nazzy when she time-travelled in?

YEMILINA

Well, she brings me things. I can’t assume you’re here for kind, thoughtful reasons.

TELOOPA

(sarcastic)

Can’t you? That’s so hurtful.

SOUND: Vivicord

NAZZY

Why do you have a vivicord, too? We don’t need three in here.

SOUND: Overlapping vivicord chatter

TELOOPA

I need a vivicord more than you do. You’re going to realize any day now that your plan is boring, and this documentary should be about me.

YEMILINA                                        NAZZY

That is so arrogant.                              Don’t be ridiculous.

TELOOPA

You know how I got this vivicord? I got attacked by sap bugs and Iinvited half the freaking forest population into my home.

YEMILINA

Oh, that’s right. Sap bug bites make you hospitable.

TELOOPA

Yeah. I’m still vanishing deer droppings and rabbit pellets from my kitchen. So my story of revenge is the new big bad around here. I’m going to destroy the sap bugs once and for all. I need you to come be bait for my trap. They love biting you the most.

YEMILINA

What? I can’t expose myself to sap bugs right now.

TELOOPA

How can sap bugs possibly hurt your baby when it’s already part dove? It can’t get any more messed up.

SOUND: Door opening

SOUND: Door closing

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden floor

SIR JP

You two need to learn to knock.

NAZZY                                               TELOOPA

Sorry, Sir JP.                                       Get over it, dragon-man.

TELOOPA

So listen, I’m just borrowing your princess for sap bug bait. I’ll bring her right back.

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden floor

SOUND: Armor clanking

SOUND: Sword drawn

TELOOPA

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know she’s on bed rest. I’ll conjure a bed in the trap for her.

SIR JP

You’re leaving without her. Now.

SOUND: Sword whoosh

TELOOPA

Ooo, pointy sword. I’ll just hold my staff and think about what I’ve done.

SOUND: Muted staff sizzle (continuous)

SIR JP

Back away.

NAZZY

One step back, Teloopa. Let’s give talking a chance.

TELOOPA

(huffy sigh)

You’re lucky I like your dragon-slaying services. If you ever lose that skill, you better learn to bake.

SOUND: Three footsteps on wooden floor

TELOOPA

Three steps back. Hands off the staff.

SOUND: Staff sizzle stops

SOUND: Sword sheathed

NAZZY

What if Yemilina records a song for your sap bug trap? That might be enough to fool them.

TELOOPA

Hmmm…sound waves would help me make artificial bait. I’ll need a blood sample, too.

SIR JP

You stay away from—

YEMILINA

Oh, here, take my bandage. That should be enough blood.

SOUND: Bandage unrolling

TELOOPA

Yeah, that’ll work.

SOUND: Bandage folding

SIR JP

When did you get that cut?

YEMILINA

When that big sword got in the way of the next book I was going to read. I told you to stop hanging them over my bookcases.

SIR JP

Arrgh, stop reading so much!

SOUND: Weapon scraping on wooden wall

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden floor

SOUND: Armor clanking

SOUND: Door opening

SOUND: Door closing

YEMILINA

I have a feeling most of these will be hanging outside by the end of the day.

TELOOPA

Sing something sappy. I want to get back to work.

YEMILINA

Umm, let’s see…

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden floor

YEMILINA

…are you going, Nazzy?

NAZZY

I want to get started with the new focus for this documentary. It’s not supposed to start here.

YEMILINA

Oh, I remember. You were going to take the vivicord’s suggestion and go with a more guided approach. Dragon history, wasn’t it?

NAZZY

That’s right. I’m headed to the year 001 BD for this installment.

YEMILINA

One year before dragons…how fortunate our BD ancestors must have been, and they didn’t even know it.

TELOOPA

Sing.

YEMILINA

(finding note)

NAZZY

See you later.

YEMILINA

Oooo, oooo, ooooo….

SOUND: Time Travel – departing

EXT – ANCIENT FOREST

SOUND: Time Travel – arriving

SOUND: Forest ambiance

SOUND: Skittering lizards

SOUND: Running footsteps

SOUND: Laughing children

PRESENT NAZZY

Welcome, cave people of the future, to the fateful day when dragons began. We had a much bigger population at this time, as we were at the top of the food chain. No dragons to eat us. There was a smattering of other monstrous beasts, but we had them thoroughly under control. Practically zero deaths. Perhaps this contributed to our careless parenting practices.

SOUND: Laughing children

SOUND: Running children

SOUND: Magic spells

SOUND: Skittering lizards

SOUND: Magic smoke puffs

PRESENT NAZZY

The little boys you’re hearing are untrained sorcerers. Unfortunately, no one in this era believed in elementary education for magic-users. Children with powers were considered harmless.

SOUND: Skittering lizards

SOUND: Laughing children

SOUND: Magic spells

SOUND: Magic smoke puffs

PRESENT NAZZY

These lizards skittering around in the tree roots were hit by impulsive spells. The boys who levitated them and put fire in their bellies had no idea they were affecting DNA.

SOUND: Magic fireball

SOUND: Laughing children

PRESENT NAZZY

Several months from now, these lizards produce miniature dragon offspring. The dragons got bigger and tougher with each generation. By the time we realized they were a serious threat, it was too late to overpower them.

SOUND: Magic spells

SOUND: Magic smoke puffs

SOUND: Laughing children fading out

SOUND: Retreating footsteps

SOUND: Time Travel – arriving

PRESENT NAZZY

(gasp)

My future self! Whoa…my way future self. Why are you here?

FUTURE NAZZY

Huh. I tried to arrive before you. You’ll just have to watch, I guess.

SOUND: Skittering lizards

SOUND: Cage set down

SOUND: Mechanical arm shooting out

SOUND: Small bodies hitting cage wall

PRESENT NAZZY

What are you doing?

FUTURE NAZZY

Getting these damn lizards out of the timeline.

PRESENT NAZZY

But that would interfere with the evolution of dragons.

FUTURE NAZZY

You’re welcome.

SOUND: Mechanical arm shooting out

SOUND: Small bodies hitting cage wall

PRESENT NAZZY

We were so sure that trying to undo something that has such a huge impact on the future is risking too much change. Change just as devastating for present, living people as it might be wonderful for past, dead people. We didn’t want to choose lives like that. What makes us change our mind?

FUTURE NAZZY

Pisanna.

PRESENT NAZZY

Pisanna…? The stained glass artist who keeps vandalizing our home?

FUTURE NAZZY

(laughing darkly)

That’s just the beginning.

PRESENT NAZZY

Okay, you have your reasons, even if you’re going to be vague about them…but what if this plan of yours doesn’t even work? If you miss a handful of lizards on the face of this Earth, foolish and powerful children are still likely to find them eventually. Or something else will start dragons. We’ll have winged pigs that breathe fire.

FUTURE NAZZY

How I could start off as pessimistic as you and become an optimist in my old age I’ll never know.

SOUND: Mechanical arm shooting out

SOUND: Small bodies hitting cage wall

PRESENT NAZZY

Maybe you’re under a magical influence of some kind?

FUTURE NAZZY

No, Past Self. I am just tired of fiddling with insignificant little threads of time, when I can literally fix anything. By the time I’m done with Wilzerlott, there won’t be enough conflict left to make your documentary worth recording.

PRESENT NAZZY

A conflict in itself — for me, at least. Fear not, fair listeners, my future self is obviously going through a very late mid-life crisis and she—

FUTURE NAZZY

Very late?

SOUND: Mechanical arm shooting out

SOUND: Small bodies hitting cage wall

PRESENT NAZZY

I didn’t think we would get that wrinkled before we die.

FUTURE NAZZY

(scoffing noise)

PRESENT NAZZY

And she is trying to simplify the world to give herself a boost in self-fulfillment. If she’s still got my brain, she’ll make the right choice in the end.

FUTURE NAZZY

Yes, I will make the right choice, but I know first-hand you won’t agree on what that is. Say goodbye, cave people of the future. We are boring, safe citizens as of…

SOUND: Skittering lizards

SOUND: Mechanical arm shooting out repeatedly

SOUND: Small bodies hitting cage wall

FUTURE NAZZY

…now!

SOUND: Cage door closing

SOUND: Cage lifting

PRESENT NAZZY

Wait!

SOUND: Lizard hiss

FUTURE NAZZY

Don’t try to chase me. I’m decades better at time travel than you.

PRESENT NAZZY

See, you are very old!

SOUND: Time Travel – departing

PRESENT NAZZY

I got that right!

SOUND: Time Travel – departing (overlapping with previous)

SOUND: Time travel echoes fading out

EXT. WATER PARK

SOUND: Overlapping water fountains and water slides

SOUND: Distant forest ambiance

TELOOPA

As I predicted, this documentary is about me now. Nazzy has been missing for over two days, and I have been sitting on my brilliant pesticide long enough. Time to spring the trap.

SOUND: Spraying can

SOUND: Clanking lanterns  

SOUND: Wet footsteps approaching

SOUND: Babbling toddler

TELOOPA

I don’t need an elf toddler for this, Enelcia. Take her away.

ENELCIA

You’re about to throw a crapload of experimental magic at the water park, aren’t you?

TELOOPA

It’s a bug bomb. It won’t affect structures.

ENELCIA

Oh, right. That’s exactly how it went when you were trying to wipe out the EEK that infested the castle. Remember how the castle walls didn’t come crumbling down even a little when you…oh, wait, that’s how we got this water park!

TELOOPA

I was improvising when I blew up the castle. I’ve put book time in for this bug bomb. Long, serious book time.

ENELCIA

Weeks?

TELOOPA

Days.

ENELCIA

During lunch, or all the other hours of the day?

TELOOPA

Don’t nitpick.

ENELCIA

Please don’t do your big, impressive things that will probably go great at the water park. Just in case? My daughter loves these waterslides.

TELOOPA

Fine.

SOUND: Teleporting

EXT. ENCHANTED FOREST

SOUND: Forest ambiance

SOUND: Distant water fountains and water slides

SOUND: Spraying can

SOUND: Clanking lanterns

TELOOPA

I’ve got the bug poison ready to blow in these lanterns. They’re enchanted to give off mammal heat, instead of fire heat. Now I’m just going to multiply some princess blood and sprinkle that in for a stronger smell.

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Multiplication spell

SOUND: Flapping fabric

SOUND: Thick fluid dripping

SOUND: Running footsteps

ENELCIA

(panting)

You’re still pretty close to the water park.

TELOOPA

This is the forest!

ENELCIA

So now you’re going to blow up the forest?

TELOOPA

What happened to your faith in my big, impressive thing?

ENELCIA

It’s wavering. Please don’t blow up—

TELOOPA

If your daughter’s favourite climbing tree is here, I will turn her back into a frog.

SOUND: Crying toddler

ENELCIA

(gulp)

She hates trees. Blow them up.

SOUND: Spraying can

SOUND: Clanking lanterns

TELOOPA

Okay, vivicord, play the song.

SOUND: Vivicord

YEMILINA

Oooo, oooo, ooooo….

Sweet bird calls fill the day

Friendly sunshine warming feathers wet with dew

Fly with me, let us play…

Family gathers by the hearth when we’re through

Oooo, oooo, ooooo….

ENELCIA

Why don’t you just summon the sap bugs?

TELOOPA

They’ll swarm me.

ENELCIA

But couldn’t you—

TELOOPA

Shhh!

YEMILINA

Oooo, oooo, ooooo….

Sing lullabies with hot cider

Your daddy wields teeth most nights

You mustn’t mind him when he’s wider

Only dragons get his bites…

Oooo, oooo, ooooo….

SOUND: Buzzing sap bugs – fading in

TELOOPA

It’s working! Heat, smell and sound. They’re into it.

ENELCIA

That’s a lot of sap bugs coming to bite your lanterns.

TELOOPA

Now we move ten feet back. 

SOUND: Short footsteps

ENELCIA

Exactly ten feet?

TELOOPA

At least ten is fine.

SOUND: Long footsteps

TELOOPA

Sure, or thirty. Feel safe now?

ENELCIA

No.

SOUND: Magic Staff

TELOOPA

Wait for it…

SOUND: Magical explosion

SOUND: Buzzing stops

SOUND: Foliage inflating

ENELCIA

Uh…this is not what I meant by ‘blow up’ the forest.

TELOOPA

(dazed)

Holy dragon dung…

ENELCIA

You sound like you don’t know what’s happening. Don’t sound like that!

TELOOPA

But I don’t know what’s happening.

ENELCIA

(freaked out noise)

SOUND: Time Travel – arriving

NAZZY

(panting)

I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean to do that. I…

SOUND: Footsteps

SOUND: Foliage inflating

NAZZY

Why is part of the forest flopping around like a tangle of balloon snakes? What did you do?

TELOOPA

How about you, huh? Sounds like you did something bad.

NAZZY

Well, a version of me tried to do something worse. My future self. The good news is I didn’t let her remove dragons from the timeline.

ENELCIA

How is that good? I hate dragons.

NAZZY

It’s good, because we’re still here. You, me, Teloopa. All of us. It’s likely none of us would exist if post-dragon generations were radically altered. If twice as many people lived out their full lives, instead of getting eaten, different combinations would make different babies. It wouldn’t line up for us.

ENELCIA

Yay, dragons still eat us!

TELOOPA

Get to the bad news.

NAZZY

Bad news is…uh…

TELOOPA

What?

NAZZY

Well, this is embarrassing. My future self taunted me for not being super advanced at time travel and she was right. I was trying to grab her with my time jumps and throw her off her course, and she pushed back, and it became a tug-of-war, and…

ENELCIA

And?

NAZZY

Long story short: I accidentally grabbed a caveman from the year 2025 and dropped him four years ago.

TELOOPA

A caveperson from the future? Four years ago?

NAZZY

I was grabbing for my future self. I just missed.

TELOOPA

There’s been a caveperson from 2025 living in Wilzerlott for the last four years and no one’s noticed him?

NAZZY

I guess he found a way to fit in. I finally tracked him here, so I thought I’d check…wait a minute.

SOUND: Foliage inflating

NAZZY

He should be right in front of me. Can you move all that…balloon foliage? So I can see him?

TELOOPA

(gasp)

Your caveman is in there? I set my bug bomb off there. It’s not supposed to go off within ten feet of humanoids.

NAZZY

But you were going to use Yemilina as bait.

TELOOPA

I was going to yank her out at the last second. Don’t look at me like that.

SOUND: Foliage inflating

ENELCIA

So…what happens when a humanoid is within ten feet?

TELOOPA

That. Clearly.

SOUND: Foliage inflating

NAZZY

What is that?

TELOOPA

I don’t know. Clown island? Sea plants pretending they’re trees? The rainbow-ified intestines of the victim?

ENELCIA

(gasp)

The caveman died in there? How did his intestines get so big?

NAZZY

That can’t be it. I’ve seen him older. He gets out of this somehow.

SOUND: Rubber friction

ENELCIA

Uh…I think I can get my hand in between these weird things that are not giant intestines. I could probably squeeze through. They're so sticky…ahh, now they’re not! Ow! That’s prickly, sharp – ow!

SOUND: Tinkling

SOUND: Slithering

SOUND: Toddler crying

SOUND: Pillow movement

ENELCIA

Now they’re fluffy. Bumpy.

SOUND: Dull plastic hit

ENELCIA

Smooth. 

SOUND: Glass hit

ENELCIA

Feel like they’re changing every second!

NAZZY

They are. The colours are changing, too.

SOUND: Rubber friction

ENELCIA

Ummph! I can’t push past this. There’s a caveman in there! We have to save him!

TELOOPA

Out of sheer curiosity.

SOUND: Teleporting failure

SOUND: Body slam on grass

TELOOPA

Ooof! I can’t teleport in.

SOUND: Time travel failure

SOUND: Body slam on grass

NAZZY

(groaning)

I can’t jump that way either.

ENELCIA

Come on! Go wait there ten minutes ago and warn us.

NAZZY

I can’t go past or future on that thing. It’s all locked up.

YEMILINA

(overlapping tunes)

Oooo, oooo, ooooo….

NAZZY

Farewell, cavepeople of the future. Sorry about the…kidnapping.

ENELCIA

It’s becoming a pattern, Nazzy. Intervention for you next.

SOUND: Tinkling

SOUND: Overlapping voice tunes fade out

SOUND: Overlapping flute tunes fade in

NAZZY

My apologies, again, fair listeners. I promise we’ll try to gain access to this bizarre anomaly that has formed around this unfortunate citizen of your time. If we are not crunched by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck!

SOUND: Closing theme music