S3 E6: Cavepeople Q&A III

The princess and the time traveler answer listener questions about Wilzerlott

Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:

Shannon Rea as Nazzy

Jennifer Lott as Yemilina

Transcript

SOUND: Opening theme music

INT. SIR JP’S COTTAGE

SOUND: Vivicord

SOUND: Two bodies sitting on couch

SOUND: Bird-baby fussing

NAZZY

Welcome, cave people of the future, to our third Q & A.

YEMILINA

We’ll make it short, I think. My son is a bit fussy.

NAZZY

We tried to wait for a nap, but it’s not happening.

SOUND: Bird-baby fussing

YEMILINA

Aww, that’s alright, darling, it’s hard to exist for the first time out in this cold, windy world. You just keep nursing.

SOUND: Bird-baby fuss dies down

SOUND: Nursing baby

NAZZY

First question from our listeners…

SOUND: Paper rustling

NAZZY

What does the baby look like? Is it half dove and half dragon?

YEMILINA

He’s human shaped, and he has the most adorable feather patterns etched all over his skin. No sign of bird abilities thus far. I expect we’ll use a tether charm once he gets mobile, just in case.

NAZZY

I don’t know why they suspect dragon genes.

YEMILINA

Confusing the timeline probably. The traces of bird DNA happened because I was a dove for part of the pregnancy. Thankfully, Sir JP was fully human for his much shorter role in the process. No dragon DNA got in.

NAZZY

Very fortunate.

SOUND: Paper rustling

NAZZY

What is going on with the queen?

YEMILINA

My child self would know better than me. I get these hazy new memories sometimes. My childhood keeps expanding behind me.

NAZZY

I have taken child you to visit the queen a few times. You said you were okay with it.

YEMILINA

I know. It’s just a bit disorienting. Anyway, since it hasn’t been twenty years for you, how about you answer.

NAZZY

The queen takes great comfort in little Yemmy’s visits. I don’t know if there will ever be a miracle to get her out of that maze. Since it’s impossible to carry invincible bodies through time, I’ll never be able to do it. She seems to be making the best of her situation. She could use a project, though.

YEMILINA

Bring her some bedpans to clean next time you go.

NAZZY

Or maybe something more meaningful?

YEMILINA

Cannons to test. She could at least stink of gunpowder even if it can’t make a dent in her.

NAZZY

Moving on…

SOUND: Paper rustling

NAZZY

What has Teloopa done with her ex-boyfriends?

YEMILINA

Oh, go check, won’t you? I’m worried about them.

NAZZY

Sure.

SOUND: Time travel – departing

SOUND: Bird-baby fussing

YEMILINA

Shhh…hush now…shhh…

SOUND: Time travel – arriving

YEMILINA

Is it bad?

NAZZY

I went a week ahead. It’s looking okay. The monkeys and the spider make it out of the anomaly with their new bodies unscathed. The teapot is intact, and one of the monkeys is looking after him, carrying him to the support group meetings. According to the Sorceress Chabelle, his porcelain still holds the life energy that means he could be returned to an organic form, if we ever find a magic user as powerful as Teloopa to do that.

YEMILINA

Was he at least the very worst ex? Of all the men to offend Teloopa, was he most deserving of an inanimate existence?

NAZZY

(tired sigh)

Tracking down her reasons for transforming all those men is a big job. I don’t think I’m up for it right now.

YEMILINA

That’s okay. Come sit with me. We’ll answer stay-on-the-couch questions.

SOUND: Sitting on couch

SOUND: Paper rustling

NAZZY

Has Enelcia figured out her baby situation? Is she going to take responsibility for being a parent?

YEMILINA

I’d say letting her child resume her elf form was a wonderful first step.

NAZZY

Yes, it was. I suppose our listeners might think her daughter’s long stay with the giants was dodging responsibility. She didn’t have to come on the mission to find Arnold.

YEMILINA

But getting left out of things like that is what makes new mothers explode with resentment. I should know. I’ve been one for days.

SOUND: Bird-baby fuss

YEMILINA

It’s okay, honey. Mommy was getting bored of that silly old caveman in that silly anomaly, anyway. You’re still the most captivating thing to me right now, yes, you are…

NAZZY

What will you do if Sir JP isn’t human when you do want to do something adventurous? Will the giants babysit for you?

YEMILINA

I take it you’re not volunteering?

NAZZY

Umm…

SOUND: Bird-baby fuss

NAZZY

Maybe if I can grab a past version of you to help?

YEMILINA

That should work. And if for some reason you can’t catch me at the right time, my little angel should be lucky enough to attract a babysitter. He got my lucky kiss in excess the day he was born.

NAZZY

Good point.

YEMILINA

What’s the next question?

SOUND: Paper rustling

NAZZY

What is going on with the vivicord?

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

NAZZY

It’s true. We never talk about you. Tell the cave people what’s going on with you. I’ll translate.

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

NAZZY

It’s mating season for him. He’s been practicing his bird song recordings. If he plays them in a pleasing enough sequence, it attracts the right vivicord’s attention.

YEMILINA

Oh, my! What do you mean by the right vivicord? Just one? Not a crowd of swooning females?

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

YEMILINA

Oh, how romantic! Of course, you may practice. Go ahead.

SOUND: Vivicord static

SOUND: Bird songs

YEMILINA

If I was a vivicord or a bird, I would find that enchanting.

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

YEMILINA

I mean it. That was lovely. Are we keeping you from your true love right now? We can wrap this up.

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

NAZZY

Thank you. We only have half a scroll left.

YEMILINA

Oh, I see your name. Let me ask this one about you…

SOUND: paper rustling

YEMILINA

Where is Nazzy?

SOUND: paper rustling

YEMILINA

That’s all it says. You jump around so much, our listeners have lost track of you.

NAZZY

I’m currently in Sir JP’s cottage. Or your cottage, too, I guess. Does it feel like yours now? Do you miss the castle?

YEMILINA

Not anymore. I did for a while. Before my loathing of my mother deepened. I associate the castle far too much with her now.

NAZZY

Another one for me…

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

What’s the future looking like? That’s vague.

YEMILINA

Just say the first thing that comes to mind.

NAZZY

The average lifespan of peasants gets longer. 

YEMILINA

That’s good news. Is it owing to a decrease in dragon attacks or a fairer distribution of protective spells?

NAZZY

Bit of both.

YEMILINA

Next?

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

Will Enelcia become a leader figure in the near future, since Yemilina is having a baby and Sir JP will be busy with her?

YEMILINA

Were Sir JP and I leader figures? I rather thought that was you and Teloopa.

NAZZY

There might be an underling assumption that you as the princess are ruling the kingdom in the queen’s absence.

YEMILINA

Well, presently, the kingdom is ruled by whatever happens to it and however the rest of us react. It’s a team effort. I told my mother I had other plans.

NAZZY

Enelcia will take the lead when the situation suits her skill set.

YEMILINA

Exactly.

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

What happened to Rose? Why is she so far away and not helping with what’s going on?

YEMILINA

Ah. When Teloopa sent she and the toddler giant away for being annoying…I think it’s just that the giant’s legs are so much longer. Rose’s tiny wings might take weeks to cover the same distance.

NAZZY

She has her fairy friends as well. My guess is she’s taking a break from us.

YEMILINA

We can be a constant merry-go-round of chaos.

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

On a related note…where is the giant toddler?

YEMILINA

You’ve seen him recently. Nothing to be concerned about, is it?

NAZZY

Again, I think he wants to spend time with his own family. Enelcia might be away a little while, too, to get some quality time with the elves.

YEMILINA

Perhaps some listeners follow certain members of our group more eagerly than others. Should we be sending vivicords to chase after each of them individually?

NAZZY

Too complicated.

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

Have the queen and Mijar figured their problems out?

YEMILINA

Yes, they’ve landed on trapped forever in a maze and trapped forever in a fish body. It was very effective problem-solving.

NAZZY

And that covers that.

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

Where is baby Yemilina? Huh? Did I move baby you? I don’t think I did.

YEMILINA

I’m sure she’s still in her nursery in the year she was born.

NAZZY

Maybe they’re thinking of child you. I’ve been plucking her out of the timeline at the age of eight recently.

YEMILINA

That’s a good age.

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

What is in the sap bugs’ venom that makes us do what we do? I think they mean the various effects: you can’t stop singing, I get overconfident…what makes that happen?

YEMILINA

Ooo, the chemistry of magical bugs! A question for the potion brewers of Wilzerlott. But you tired Nazzy out with that last outreach effort, so we’ll have to ask Teloopa another time.

NAZZY

Do you think she’s ever used sap bug venom in her potions?

YEMILINA

I’d be shocked if she hasn’t at least experimented.

NAZZY

But she got so mad at all the sap bugs, she almost wiped them out.

YEMILINA

Yes…being forced to be hospitable is enough to cloud anyone’s professional curiosity. I wonder if she ever got all those animal droppings out of her kitchen.

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

What kind of food will we gather for the baby? I assume this means months from now, once he needs more than breastmilk.

YEMILINA

We’ll start him on berries and mutton.

NAZZY

He’ll need teeth for mutton.

SOUND: Bird-baby fussing

YEMILINA

Ooo, there is a beaky look to his gums. Maybe we’ll make worms his first solid food.

SOUND: Baby nursing

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

Why does Sir JP have to be a dragon? I miss him.

YEMILINA

Oh, me too! I miss him so much for most of the week. But if he weren’t as noble and dutiful as he is in his pursuit of slaying true dragons, maybe I wouldn’t love him so much.

NAZZY

He has got a point about the numbers. The dragon population has never been lower.

YEMILINA

Unfortunately for our listeners, he’s not too inclined to participate in our documentary on his days off. I have coaxed him, and he’s not immovable when he’s mellowed out a bit. It’s not as if you’ll never hear his manly rumble again. I’ll read this one…

SOUND: paper rustling

YEMILINA

Can Nazzy take Yemilina to the future and see what she can do to help take care of her own baby? Ooo, is that like a cheat sheet? My future self will be a better parent than me, so I could learn from her and just be that good now?

NAZZY

Without the mistakes you make now, your future self won’t become that better parent.

YEMILINA

(heavy sigh)

I knew there would be a catch.

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

What is going on with Teloopa?

YEMILINA

Hmmm…she’s getting power hungry. Do you suppose she’ll be our next Mijar and try to take over Wilzerlott?

NAZZY

I don’t know. She’s not building the same base of bitterness to spring from.

YEMILINA

How can you say that with her ex-boyfriends in their hideous states? It’s positively petty.

NAZZY

But impulsive. She didn’t spend decades letting their offenses fester. Mijar worked for your mother for far too long before he decided he’d had enough.

YEMILINA

I suppose it is healthier to go for confrontation straight away. Still…

NAZZY

I know. She’s not nice.

YEMILINA

To say the least.

NAZZY

Honestly, I also think taking over the kingdom would feel like a chore to Teloopa. She likes to chase her ambitions of the moment. She wouldn’t commit.

YEMILINA

There you have it, then. She’s currently in helpful mode and she’s not likely to be our next super villain. We shall have to remain in suspense as to what else is going on with her.

NAZZY

Last question from our listeners…

SOUND: paper rustling

NAZZY

Why do you call us ‘cave people’? That’s insulting.

YEMILINA

Is it? I thought it was accurate.

NAZZY

We could call them ‘den people.’ I know their homes have evolved.

YEMILINA

But they’re all from that same sliver in the timeline, aren’t they? That itty bitty blink. We say ‘dinosaur’ to cover an enormously longer period of time. Do they really expect us to study their every move?

NAZZY

Maybe we could call them…apartment dwellers? Or mall crawlers? I think they still have malls.

YEMILINA

You can’t win that way, Nazzy. They’ll just list off other types of homes and then we won’t sound inclusive.

NAZZY

I guess.

YEMILINA

For instance, fair listeners, I won’t be offended if you forever refer to me as ‘the princess in a castle,’ even though my castle blew up and I’m living in a cottage. I don’t expect you to keep up with my evolutions.

NAZZY

So that’s it. Ready to say goodbye?

YEMILINA

Yes, go ahead.

NAZZY

Farewell, cave…oh, I can’t do it now.

YEMILINA

I’ll do it. Farewell, cave people of the future, because that’s what you are to us, and you can call us flying carpets for all I care. Thank you for listening. If we are not cooked by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck.

SOUND: Bird-baby fussing

SOUND: Closing theme music