Nicki's Wonder List

Book Talk on Attachment Trauma

• Season 2 • Episode 1

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Book Talk on Attachment Trauma

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Nicki: Hello, welcome to Nicki's Wonder List, a podcast about exploring story in a time of collapse. I'm Nicki Youngsma

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Nicki: So this episode is what I call a book talk, and that's when I talk about a few book titles about a particular subject. And today, that is about the topic of attachment trauma.

So I came to this topic on my own mental health and recovery journey. I had done, um, I've done several different kinds of therapy and, , read some self help books here and there over the years, um, because when I was a child, my mom died of cancer. And then in my twenties, I lost a brother to suicide.

And so before that, like in my twenties, You know, earlier half of my life, I had never done counseling. I never done any kind of self help, practices or, , sought any resources. And I just developed my own coping mechanisms until, , until one day they really stopped working. And that was when I, , was expecting my first child.

So, at that point, I got into counseling, um, and one time I, you know, earlier on in my recovery journey, I had a counselor who mentioned something about attachment trauma and that their observations included sometimes people seek out other people with similar attachment injuries.

And I remember being like, what is that? You know, and, and sometimes in a counseling session, you don't have time to like ask What these things are all the time. So, um, that always stuck with me and I've been interested in this concept. And so, you know, it comes up in therapy a lot. And the more I learn about what attachment theory is and attachment trauma, , the more it seems to contextualize parts of my own experience that are challenging as well as what I observe in other people and then just society at large.

So let's get started.

Eight Keys to Building Your Best Relationships

Nicki: The first title that I've got on my list here today is called Eight Keys to Building Your Best Relationships by Daniel A. Hughes. I found this book earlier on in my recovery journey.

I had reached out to a friend who  used to work as a trauma therapist and, you know, I asked her for some resources about like what this concept was. And so this was a book that she recommended. , And so, , what I noticed about the book itself is it's kind of spare.

It's not a thick or like dense book. Um, it has a really simple contents page. It's cover is like, I don't know, I think it's cover, for some reason I always like remember it visually because it's green and it's got this like bird's eye view of a field of like people and it kind of reminds me of a football field.

I don't really know why because it's not a football field or at least it doesn't look like that. , but anyways, I appreciate about the book is that it breaks down attachment, um, And, you know, which is a term used to describe how humans connect with, other people, um, and form relationships.

 It starts out that, like, infants turn to their caregivers for safety. And the response that we get from caregivers sets us up. To have certain patterns for how we form relationships in our lives. And so there's different attachment styles.

There's like secure attachment, there's insecure attachment, and there's different kinds of insecure attachment. And those insecure styles essentially, like, make your life harder. Um, and, , you know, some of those, some language used to describe these insecure attachment styles are disorganized, avoidant, ambivalent.

So this book is kind of a primer in how those different attachment styles look and operate. And, , the good news for folks who, you know, have experienced insecure attachment in their lives is that you can learn repatterning. It's work, but it's possible. And, um, this book, you know, gives some examples of people, you know, to illustrate what these attachments styles look like.

So that can be helpful. I find that sometimes I, I've skimmed through the stories, um, cause there's a few of them, but it's good context for, you know, how these different patterns look, and manifest in people's lives. Cause there's a huge variety in how, um, you know, attachment, , looks and how it works.

So that's helpful, I think. So a thing about this book that I really don't like is there's a section, um, you know, I have a really big problem with it. And the author talks about , like, the quote unquote difference between male and female brains. , so when I read that, I bristled. And because like the author, they make this claim that men and women process attachment or gravitate towards one kind of style perpetuating like the gender binary, concept.

, and so, you know, when I read this, I took it to a neuroscientist I know, and, you know, I asked about their thoughts about this section of the book. And, what they had said was like, this makes a lot of claims that are incorrect or, assumptions that are not correct.

Nicki: , so the author here is making statements about neurobiology that neuroscientists themselves don't even completely understand. and like what they're doing here in the book is, you know, like failing to see neurobiology , and sex as related in a complex, you know, interplay of social interactions and behaviors.

And our, our brains develop in like a two, , lane highway. , , cause we interact with the world and the world interacts with us. And, biological determinism of, like, what's male and what's female. It's, it's really damaging. So , I really don't like that part of the book.

Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Nicki: So the next book that I've got here is called Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. So I found this book because it was like name dropped in this neurodiversity summit that I went to. And there was a presenter who mentioned this book, as a preferred, you know, recommendation over another book about trauma that's really popular called The Body Keeps the Score.

 You know, it's interesting because like, what the presenter, you know, they recommended this book over the other one that's really popular because, um, the other one, I tried reading that before and I just kind of couldn't do it. And it was interesting because the presenter thought that that book was, you know, kind of like re triggering, um, and looking back, I wonder if that's why I couldn't connect with it.

 And so when I heard this book was out there. I got it and, I'll really say that it's been life changing for me. I've been going through it and working with it for the last few months, and I'm really grateful for it.

So this book explains CPTSD, which stands for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So in the U. S., it's, it's, Not currently in the DSM, um, but a lot of trauma therapists use it in conversation and, like, accept that it's a real thing.

And what makes it different from PTSD is that people have flashbacks, but it's not, like, to a specific incident. it's really, like, there's these things that people experience, , that are called emotional flashbacks, which are a little bit different. And it was interesting because when I had this book, I was actually having an emotional flashback.

And, I opened the book for the first time and the opening sentence of the book is like, if you're having an emotional flashback, go to chapter eight. And, , that's like exactly what I needed at the time. And, um, I like how the author just starts out the book with that.

 So the author of this book is a therapist as well as a CPTSD survivor themselves, and I find that to be really, really helpful. I think the fact that the author writes from their lived, like, felt experience of CPTSD is really valuable because there's kind of this vividness and raw, unapologetic honesty.

Like, the, the voice and the tone of the book really came as a surprise to me, um, because usually self help books, I find in my experience, are kind of tame and soft.

Like, the therapist is there talking to you, and they need to keep their professionalism up, and, and this one's not like that. At least I didn't experience it that way.

Another part of the book that was helpful for me is this explanation of a term called the inner critic, which in the author's definition is when the superego of the psyche, it's, it's traumatized and essentially it goes bad and attacks the person with, , things called thinking traps, like, you know, like perfectionism, over-futurizing, catastrophizing, that kind of stuff.

And the framework that's in this book's really filled a gap for me that I've had in trying to, like, make sense of, like, my own experience.

 , a lot of, you know, tools that people have, like, presented over the years, , for, like, things like improving self worth and, and self esteem, like, I find that they don't always work for me, and it makes sense with this context because in someone with CPTSD, it's, like, part of your brain can assess, like, a goal's been completed, but, like, it, like, makes up, like, a new obstacle, , to convince you that, like, you didn't actually, like, do the that, like, you were trying to do.

Nicki: And so Yeah, that was really helpful for me. And I also appreciate, like the reminder of, you know, that in, in the author's words that , like, in order to shrink this, , thing called the inner critic, it takes place over like thousands of skirmishes, like you're not going to do it and have it be done.

It's like a repeat thing that keeps, that you have to keep engaging with. And that's been really helpful for me as, as a reminder and, and to like, not be too hard on myself.

So the author on their website, they also have some PDF printouts that you can go to and like, print off some of these, , lists of like, , how to know you're an emotional flashback and like, what to do about it. And then, , also a sheet, kind of like a cheat sheet you know, so to say, of how to, , you know, stop thoughts that are , what they kind of call inner critic attacks.

And, um, you know, these are a lot of like thinking errors or like thinking traps, like catastrophizing, over-futurizing, perfectionism, that kind of stuff. And like lays them out in a PDF Like, along with, , affirmations to correct the thoughts. So I find that to be really helpful.

And I have these, like, taped on walls in my house as well as, , in some journals to just help me go back to that. And I find that to be really helpful.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

Nicki: So the next book that I've got today is called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. So I found this book because it was also like name dropped in this Neurodiversity Summit, as well as other podcasts. Um, so I got it and geez, after reading it, I've been like, wow, um, this is explaining my experience in a whole new way.

the premise of the book is that even though people, you know, you grow up, and you mature intellectually, physically and so on. Um, sometimes people, like, don't mature emotionally. And so these people grow up to become parents and, um, and they're, like, underdeveloped emotional selves.

They just, like, don't have the tools or the capacity to mature. to be in relationship with the way their child needs. And so, like, with that, the child, you know, suffers and experiences emotional developmental risk too. And this cycle just unfortunately goes on.

Now I want to be sincere and not insulting or demeaning um, in using the term emotional immature here to describe a person. adult people. And, um, you know, it's a really neutral term. Like, just, like, very factual. Like, uh, I feel like this term kind of gets thrown around, like, in conversation sometimes is, like, labeling people as emotionally immature. Um, and that's, like, not what's going on here as far as, like, as an insult. Um, so I just want to, like, throw that out there.

So what I noticed about this book is it feels really regimented. It's less than 200 pages. It's not meaty or anything. And there's about 10 chapters and they go through explaining what an emotionally immature parent is and like there are different kinds and there's different ways that they affect people and there's different ways it can feel to be the child of an emotionally immature parent.

And then the end of the book goes through how someone might come into realization that that's what their relationship with either So, so what I appreciate about this book is the author's framework that they're offering and how they talk about, you know, what they call determining the role self and true self.

And, um, it kind of feels similar to me what the other author of the previous book, um, Pete Walker talks about in their framework, they talk about this thing called the inner critic, , and like how in here, in this book, you know, like how if you're raised by an emotionally mature parent, you develop in  a certain way and you try to get your needs met from that primary caregiver.

And over time, that learned way of being isn't sustainable and it makes problems for you and it's hard to form secure attachment if you're not getting your needs met, from the people taking care of you and, um, you know, or externalizing your own baggage in some way.

The author offers some prompts, like writing prompts or journaling prompts, to just suss out the differences between these two things.

So, um, I found the journal prompts really helpful. I do have some mixed feelings around the labeling, um, the use of word true, like true self, because it, it kind of hints at purity to me, um, and I'm like, reluctant to, really, like, hang my coat on that, so to say. But I'm not gonna get hung up on it. I feel like I get what the author's going for and I find it really helpful. I found all of those prompts really, really helpful and illuminating.

 So this author has a lot of other books too related to this topic and, um, I'm not gonna go into depth here. I've read a few of them, and one that I'll just mention really quick is called Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Mature Parents.

Honor your emotions, nurture yourself, and live with confidence. And that one was kind of nice because it really wasn't like a self-help book. It felt more like an essay collection. So it was just a little bit of a different reading experience. Um, so I just wanted to like throw that out there too, and I'll put it in the show notes.

 

Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman

Nicki: All right, the last book that I've got today for this book talk is called Motherless Daughters, The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman. So I found this book from a therapist I saw during my first pregnancy when it was the first time I had sought mental health care because Even though my pregnancy was planned, my pregnancy brought on CPTSD symptoms.

And I, I just, like, couldn't function. Um, I was in just kind of a personal crisis and this book was helpful for contextualizing what I was going through. I definitely couldn't read it, like word for word because It's, it's a little too triggering for me, um, and I had to skim it or just kind of focus on some sections.

And overall, I found it really helpful., it's one that's popped up, uh, in a few places for me, and it's popular on this specific subtopic. So I thought I'd share it today.

So what I noticed about this book is it's kind of part memoir, part self-help. The authors, mom died of breast cancer when she was a child. This book folds in her story with other stories of other people who have had early mother loss. And there's some sections that are more academic, psychology lensed writing that kind of explain what's going on. For example, , like when kids lose a parent, they need, , a stable surviving caregiver who meets their physical and emotional needs.

And then a household that's like open to talking about like, you know, having honest and open communication about like the death and its impact on the family. , another thing that was helpful is that they explain in the book is sometimes having a second loss. in your life brings you back to the first loss.

 And that definitely resonated for me, um, because I had a, brother die by suicide when I was 23.

Nicki: And then like, I had a rough couple years and then I recovered and rebounded. And then I decided to start a family with my partner. And then, when I became pregnant, it was just like, all of everything, like, hit me at once. Andthere's all this trauma, like, wrapped up in, like, the, the mother loss and the sibling loss. Like one trauma recalling another trauma, and anyways, I just felt like that explanation felt very true for me.

 Another thing that was interesting in the book just from my own personal experience, is like there's explanations about how when someone, loses a primary caregiver, depending on what age they're at, that like affects their development differently.

 Like, for example, , a kid between the ages of 6 to 12 years old, which is where I landed, when my mom passed away, you know, developmentally, I would have had the ability and the emotions to feel the loss, but like the lack of skill to, like, deal with it, and, like, develop instead, like, defenses, to cope with it.

And, uh, the brain's development becomes, you know, halted and so then you might develop insecure attachment styles and, and those kinds of patterns.

 There's also a follow up book to this one called Motherless Mothers, which I've also read and won't go into detail here, but I'll drop it in the show notes.

Something that I don't like about this book,  is that, it talks about in one of the chapters how a motherless daughter or might have difficulty understanding or relating to their gender.

The reasoning that they're presenting here is that, because that child doesn't have a model or an authority of femininity growing up. And there's something about that which resonates with me and kind of speaks to my experience since, like, For part of my childhood, I was kind of like a tomboy, sort of, um, and like gravitated really towards male dominated things and spaces.

But I also have a really hard time with this assertion and feel like there's a lot to unpack around it. And what gets me is that I feel like the setup lays out a way for like pathologizing gender identity and could be really weaponizing.

And honestly, I was really triggered by this part of the book. So there's that.

 

 So, wrapping it up here, these books together have offered me a foundational piece of my, you know, kind of mental health journey and, like, wellness support. They give some examples through stories, um, a lot of the times, you know, which I, I skip over a little bit, um, but they're helpful.

And sometimes those individual stories stick with me. And also, there are practices, there are prompts, and, um, There's a foundation offered for understanding how attachment injuries impact you and then how you form your relationships. And these books have been a core part of my Recovery journey over the last several years.

And I come to find books can be really impactful to healing and wellness. And there's actually this term called bibliotherapy for that. Um, which I appreciate. You know, because even though conventional therapy can be beneficial for some people, that's not always the case for reasons like finding a good fit or, like, insurance or scheduling, money, all that.

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 And even, like, when therapy is helpful and accessible, The amount of time you actually spend with a therapist is like limited to, you know, 45 or 50 minute sessions, however many times you go with whatever frequency it is, and the thing about books is like, books aren't like that.

Like, you can spend hours with a book. You can process and integrate the contents on your own time. And there's a depth of information that books can offer. And so, that's why I'm so grateful for these, um, to support me in embodying the life that I want.

Nicki: That concludes this episode of Nicki's Wonder List. I hope you enjoyed the conversation. I'm really glad I got to share it here. Stay in the loop with us exploring story and a time of collapse by going to nickiswonderlist.com and signing up for updates. You can also click on the link in the show notes to get there.

Thank you for listening to Nicki's Wonder List. Until next time.

 

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