You Can Choose Your Family.

June is Pride Month.

"Blood is thicker than water," however for many people, family isn't just about blood — it's about deep, meaningful connections.  During Pride month you may hear the words "chosen family".  A chosen family is a family you choose to have in your life that loves and supports you the way a blood family would.

My guest Robin McHaelen  is well-known locally and nationally in the LGBTQ+ community as a leader, advocate and consultant. Robin is the founder and former Executive Director of True Colors, Inc.  She was appointed by Governor Ned Lamont to the Hate Crimes Commission. Robin says it is important for blood families to show compassion when someone comes out. Family rejection can have lasting traumatic implications.

My guest Ace Ricker is a public advocate and educator who’s been speaking on transgender rights since the age of fifteen. He’s the founder of A.C.E. (Awareness through Communication and Education) where he facilitates interactive workshops, training sessions and round-table discussions. Ace is a transgender man of color, and says his chosen family helped him through a very tough time after his family rejected him.

CT Paid leave has an expanded definition of family when you are care giving to a loved one with a serious health condition. You can be blood related, or you can be related by affinity. That means someone you have a close relationship with that is equivalent to that of a family, like a friend, co- worker or a Godson. You can get up to 12 weeks of income replacement if you qualify so you don’t have to worry about losing income during this time.

You can reach Robin McHaelen at: McHaelen Consulting Services, LLC | LGBTQ+ Consultant in Manchester, CT (robinmchaelen.com)
mchaelen@gmail,com

You can reach Ace Ricker at: A.C.E (Awareness through Communication & Education) - Home (acericker.com)
acericker.consulting@gmail.com

To apply for benefits please go to: CT Paid Leave Authority (PFMLA)| Home | Official Site
or call:  877-499-8606

https://ctpaidleave.org/s/?language=en_US



https://www.facebook.com/CTPaidLeave



https://www.instagram.com/ctpaidleave/



https://twitter.com/CTPaidLeave



https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=ct+paid+leave

Transcript

Nancy Barrow: 0:01

Hello Connecticut, and welcome to The Paid Leave Podcast. The title basically says it all. I'm Nancy Barrow, and I will be delving into this new state program and how it can help you and your family. This podcast will give you information you should know about Connecticut Paid Leave and maybe just a little bit more. Connecticut Paid Leave brings peace of mind to your home, family and workplace. Welcome to The Paid Leave Podcast. June is Pride Month, and we celebrate the LGBTQ plus community all over the world, and we celebrate people, no matter how they identify or who they love. Pride is what everyone should feel inside about who they are and how they see themselves. This episode focuses on the LGBTQ plus community and family, which could mean biological family or chosen or found family. Connecticut paid leave can give up to 12 weeks of income replacement for certain health and family related reasons. If you are caring for a loved one who has a serious health condition, Connecticut Paid Leave has an expanded definition of family. When you're taking caregiver leave to take care of a loved one, it doesn't mean they have to be blood related. It could be related by affinity, and that expands the definition of family. It could be someone who lives with you and is like a spouse, but maybe you aren't married. Or it could be someone who is like family, maybe a friend, a neighbor or a co worker or a godson. The definition is very broad and inclusive. Both of my guests are so very inspiring and amazing in their own right, and both are huge advocates for the LGBTQ plus community and continue to do the tough work needed in a very nationally hostile environment. Joining me today is Robin Mccallen, who is nationally known LGBTQ plus leader and advocate, educator and consultant. Robin has her master's in social work, and is the founder and former executive director of True Colors, Inc. She has co authored two books, several articles on LGBTQ plus youth, and is a nationally recognized thought leader. Robin is an adjunct professor at Central Connecticut State University teaching intergroup communications and human sexuality. She was appointed by Governor Lamont to the Hate Crimes Commission, and she is the recipient of numerous state and national awards, including the 2019 GLAAD Award for Leadership, the 2016 Connecticut Central State University's Women of Influence award. And in 2009 she was chosen by the National Association of Social Workers and Lambda Legal Education and Defense Fund to create and present a master train, the trainer program to 40 master trainers around the country, and that's just the abbreviated version. Also joining the conversation is LGBTQ plus advocate, teacher, consultant and facilitator, Ace Ricker. Now ace is a public advocate and educator who's been speaking on transgender rights since the ripe old age of 15. He's the founder of ACE awareness through communication and education. It's also known as ace, which is his first name, where he facilitates interactive workshops, training sessions and round table discussions. And Ace is a transgender man of color who can speak about his personal experiences and inspire others. Well, welcome to the podcast, Robin and Ace and happy Pride Month.

Helen McHaelen: 3:28

Thank you. Thank you. Great to be here.

Nancy Barrow: 3:30

We have a mutual friend who told me to tell you to do your thing, which is the litany of language. So I'm wondering if you could do that for us.

Helen McHaelen: 3:38

Sure. So I've always when I when I do. I do a lot of training still, so I always start in the same way I say I that I've been working with gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, questioning, Two Spirit, same gender, loving, Pan, sexual, flexual, not straight, not labeling straight is straight, so far, straight with options, straight. But stuff happens. Gender bending, gender bending, bi, gender, Pan, gender, a gender, asexual, non binary, and other sexual and gender minority youth for about 30 years. That's amazing. I always I start with the litany of the language, because we're really for two reasons. One, to make the point that the language is changing, and how humans are describing themselves and their experiences may be very different than many of us grew up with. Fortunately, we don't really have to keep up. We just have to keep open. And I also would say that that, you know, we don't have to necessarily really understand, or in some cases, even approve. We just have to accept and respect when someone tells us who they are, it's our job to say thank you for sharing. But I would often ask kids how they identify, and then, pretty much, no matter what they would say, I would say something like, Wow, thanks for telling me. So what does it mean to you to be a non binary, bisexual, Pan sexual femme? You know? What is that like for you? Because I don't know what their experience is, and so it's just if you stay open and appropriately. Curious, that appropriate is the key word there. Appropriately curious. Most often people are happy to tell you who they are.

Ace Ricker: 5:09

Some of the things that they're just curious about. There's no actual learning from it. There's no need to find out the answer of that, because it's not going to go anywhere, right, right? So, like, who wears the pants in the relationship is a question oftentimes that I will navigate in certain spaces if I'm dating an individual who is also masculine based. And the appropriate questions usually are not the ones that are being asked. They're the ones that are like, the curiosity is the very it's very much. So it's like, I just want to know this, because it's something interesting to me, even though I'll never need it. And usually it's just when they start this momentum into asking questions like that, because some of us are open enough to to navigate those conversations to a point, then there's like, this rapid hill that they just continue to roll down with questions like, you have no need for these in your future. I've navigated conversations in Connecticut very particularly. They're like, Oh, we're better. We have protections in place. And I'm like, that doesn't mean we need to be complacent, because we're better right now than Florida or Tennessee or wherever it is, because that momentum right now is starting to trickle back into Connecticut, and has been all over, all over and also with these policies and protocols that are in place in Connecticut. There are places in Connecticut that they are not following these policies and protocols and that they need to be held accountable for that, because I've unfortunately had to navigate with different school districts, with parents coming to me saying, hey, my kid is dealing with being verbally or physically assaulted, and we're going through this process with the school, and it just seems we're being swept under the rug, and the action climate plan is not being navigated, or people don't even know there's an action climate plan, even in place, and we don't know where to go yet. Lots of individuals are me to be like, Oh, we're we're a safe place in Connecticut, and we're a blue state. And I'm like, I know spaces in Connecticut, as an openly trans black man, I do not feel safe in as an adult, and have had to navigate conversations with young kids who shouldn't even be fearful at their at these young ages just to be themselves and navigate having to deal with school and let's figure out what club I want to go to. They're already navigating fears like I had to by the age of seven, I already navigated very internally. I'm different than my peers, but because there was no places that I felt safe to navigate that conversation outwardly, I struggled a lot in moving that and by the age of 11, the friends that I did vocalize that to when we were going to like amusement parks or stuff like that, having to say, like, hey, if I don't come back from the bathroom in 10 minutes, please check on me, because I don't know if I'll be safe as a 10 and 11 year old. They there are conversations like that happening still. Now in a blue state, a what is seen as we are more safe and protected here. Those conversations are still happening, and that's why we need to continue this momentum in a positive and reinforcing that trans rights are human rights, equality for all, equity for all, and that we can't be complacent with saying, Oh, we're we're doing better than like, we're not Florida right

Nancy Barrow: 8:38

I'm really shocked at what you're saying about now. Connecticut, because I thought like, Oh, we're such a

Helen McHaelen: 8:43

No and there's so many, there's so many red pockets in Connecticut. Yes, yeah. And when you look at the national and state related statistics around the level of anxiety, the level of depression, the level of self harm, the level of suicidality, that that's not because they're LGBTQ plus, that's because they're being discriminated against, harassed and abused because of who they are, even if they haven't come out, because they're getting all these messages from everywhere, that who they are as a human is not being accepted. It's not okay.

Ace Ricker: 9:14

And that's that's a big thing where there are some in some towns in Connecticut that have, have or are trying to put ordinance in, especially for Pride Month, with raising a pride flag, they're like, why do we need to do that? What's the importance of that? And I, and I can say, personally, the importance of being able to raise a pride flag is showing validation to these individuals. Because I just this last week time is flying, just this last week, with West Hartford doing their flag raising, my partner and I got to speak, and I specifically said during in that time period that there are people that are probably driving past us right now or walking past us that right now do not feel validated and are terrified to be open and all. Authentic about themselves, and raising this flag shows they can be whether it's taking those first few steps internally or externally to friends or whatnot, to continue the conversation and saying you are valid, you are seen and you will be affirmed, because you are no different than anyone else, and that's why we that's why we do so much during during pride month, because 500 plus anti LGBTQ plus bills are weighing down young kids into a two adults being told silently or very aggressively, you are not worth to you are not worth it. And when we stand and raise the pride flag, even for these 30 days, we want to very much so vocalize to those who don't feel that worth because they're pulling up media in the morning or reading that newspaper or hearing it on the radio, or seeing with curriculum that they're they're starting to just wipe out parts of like the LGBTQ plus community in actual documentation that there are people that are ready and willing to affirm them and to validate them and do to be there for them, even if there are even if they're strangers.

Helen McHaelen: 11:18

Yeah, I saw a Tiktok yesterday that just really struck me. It was by a librarian who was talking about a librarians conference, and they decided that the National Association decided to hold it in Florida in order to support and be a stand for all against all the stuff that's happening in Florida so and this is what they did. They rented out the entire space so that they would have control of any human who came in, because they didn't want protesters there, they hired extra security. This is a conference for librarians. Librarians and you need extra security. This is crazy. The gender clinics in Connecticut, the gender clinics around the country, are getting death threats. They've had to take their staff off of the their their websites, because they were getting so many death threats that this is, this is crazy. I'm like, I'm almost 70, right? So I know, and I've seen how things have progressed over the course of years, I haven't seen this level of vitriol since the 80s. What people need to do is, if you are straight and cisgender, you need to be an outspoken ally, you know, like you need to be an accomplice. You need to be out there writing letters to the editor. You know, being involved in the different states, sending money to the organizations that are doing the work on the ground, you know, like, like glad and lambda, or, you know, q plus, which is doing all the work with with young people in Connecticut that you know, putting your money where your mouth is and funding the people that are doing the work. That's what's really important right now. And that, you know, there's all this corporate stuff, but that's pink washing that's playing that's not really making a difference for people on the ground. And that I have, I took this saying from a friend of mine who used to work with the Department of Education. When you hear when you hear mean intervene, and it's everywhere and every time, because it's not just in the classroom. It's at Thanksgiving dinner, it's at the Fourth of July parade, it's everywhere you go where people are saying terrible things about other humans and people, other people have to say, No, Uncle Joe, I know you're an idiot, but you still can't say that in front of my kids, because biases are passed from generation to generation, and we have to people have to step up and and make a stand.

Ace Ricker: 13:52

And that's something that really steered me into becoming such a vocal advocate and educator at such a young age, because navigating spaces with no visibility. There was no one within books or materials or even on the television that showed any diversity. And I grew up in Shelton, Connecticut, so it was a very white predominant community, so I was one of a handful of people of color. So navigating spaces like that, growing up, the only conversations of other people of color through any type of material was negative. It was talking about slavery and consistent negative points, and then navigating being trans alongside that. There was no materials. There is no one, there is no visuals, there is no content, there is no place. I felt there was any outreach. And as a young trans man, I was hearing high levels of ignorant, ignorance of what trans people were like, and I was like, Well, I. Well, that's not true, because I'm part of that community, and that very much so started me becoming very vocal, very quickly, saying I am no different than any other person. I'm the person that's getting their oil change done, waiting way too long, it feels like for that, getting the coffee in the morning, paying the taxes. I am no different than you and these specific manufactured pieces of media on building fear to these communities have such the skewed imagery of what a trans individual or a non binary individual, or the lifestyle we have are like, and that's where I stand behind a mic, and I'm very open and saying I'm a trans guy, a person of color. I've navigated spaces, I've gone to school, I've gone to college. I have my own business. I am no different than you, yet I walk out of my house every day, just like you and I, no matter who comes across me, there are people who have never met me who want me completely erased from this world and to have individuals want for just the simple fact of very skewed materials that they have read on. They do not want me to be able to walk this Earth safely, and that's terrifying, but that also then fuels my fire. Saying I am no different than you. I being being trans is a part of me.

Nancy Barrow: 16:29

Did you have any teachers who were particularly supportive of you?

Ace Ricker: 16:32

I very fortunately found a small group of individuals and have a friend, a good friend, who's still a good friend of mine in grade school and up that were allies, pretty much from the get go, and really reinforced affirmation of me. And statistics show that like one individual can reduce like suicidal ideations depression by 40% if not more a single individual supporting and affirming somebody. And I was fortunate to receive that at a young age. And I think I also, just because I am pretty extroverted, was fortunate with how much I like to talk, got to meet individuals and really be able to find the that chosen family that affirmed me, for me, just being me.

Helen McHaelen: 17:26

The response of parents is the number one indicator of outcomes for LGBTQ plus youth, when their families are supportive, the outcomes are really not. I mean, they're not at risk. They're not they're not at significantly higher risk of all of the parade of horribles that we hear about, but when families are continually rejecting, then that correlates with all of those risks. So working with the families, you know, years ago, I first started doing work in in the child welfare system. And this the way that the child welfare system worked all those years ago was that if the family rejected the kid, they threw the family out, and they looked at other forms of, you know, permanency, which were often really unsuccessful, because kids love their families, right? And that they that even, you know, years on down the road, they want their families now people are understanding that when a child comes out, however they come out, the whole family's on a journey, and therefore the whole family needs to be supported, and that starts with creating a space for parents and caregivers and people who love this child to to have the feelings that they're having, I think you have to start with where they are, but you also have to start with the perspective that they can learn to be their child's advocate and ally, rather than their first bully that you know, Caitlin Ryan, who does a lot of this work and training a lot of research around this, says that one of the single most important things that families can do is to believe that their child can have a happy future.

Nancy Barrow: 19:05

Yeah, and I think that that's the scariest part for parents, right? Because I think it's just another, another difficulty.

Helen McHaelen: 19:11

But if they could believe that their kid could have a happy future, children live up to or down to expectations. So if the parents could get their handle, get their heads around the fact that my child can be who they are and be happy, successful, have families that they want to have, do work that they want to do, and live successful lives, if they can start from that belief, even if they need people like Ace and other and other organizations around now to open, help them open the doors and get there. Yeah, I think that that's really, that's what we need. And again, that comes right back down to, you know, when you hear, when you hear, mean, intervene. Everybody needs to be an ally. Most people, I think, are situational bigots. So they're not, like, intentionally bigoted, right? They're just like, they just never thought about it. Before, so someone says something, or then they like, yeah, you know, like they don't, they don't care. But once they recognize the difference that it makes when they say, Hey, I feel differently about that, or Ouch, or, what did you mean by that? Or, you know what? That wasn't funny, right? Like just saying something can begin to change other people's perspectives. So we need role models, and we need accomplices.

Nancy Barrow: 20:26

Which is interesting that you said parents can be the first bully that just like hit me really hard. Is family rejection big?

Helen McHaelen: 20:36

Yeah,

Nancy Barrow: 20:36

in the LGBTQ community,

Helen McHaelen: 20:38

still, yes, yes,

Ace Ricker: 20:40

yeah, and

Nancy Barrow: 20:41

Do they come around,

Helen McHaelen: 20:43

Many do okay and some don't, but many do.

Ace Ricker: 20:46

Many do, and that's like for my personal story. There was a time when I did come out and this, there's an immediate separation between my family and I, and it took about a year before I would start getting texts, some random text message like, did you get your snow tires on, or we're having a storm? Do you have enough eggs and bread at the house? And these were clearly simple things that were starting conversations because they didn't know how they couldn't start the bigger conversation right off the bat.

Nancy Barrow: 21:20

Was this when you were already moved out of the

Ace Ricker: 21:23

No, this happened when I was younger, when I was family? living with my parents, and for a period of time we I was disowned. Where'd you go? So I was homeless very briefly, and then I was very fortunate to have a good group of friends who I see as family, who really navigated and helped me find spaces I started renting and so forth, and that's where, with parents and caregivers and so forth, can have a process for themselves and navigate spaces. But there's also this dynamic where you need to make sure that when you're navigating your feelings, you're allowing everyone else is navigating other feelings, and in that time, don't question other people's feelings when you can't navigate your own at this point. And that's a big thing where a lot of parents in general be like, Are you sure? Like, have you thought about this? And I'll let you know. Before I told before I started coming out of parents, there were years, years and years and years and years of processing internally and trying to find resources outside of just my little, teeny self, and really bringing about when I'm opening up and when kids are opening up. This isn't like two minutes ago I decided I want to be non binary or trans. This isn't a day ago or a couple days this is like long time processing. And it's also because of fears. Parents usually immediately will respond, are you sure? Because that's like you sure you want to walk down because now I'm thinking about all these obstacles you're going to face, and there's this protection that comes into place when doubting your kid, and when you do that, you are put it, you are not validating that kid by putting that. Are you sure? Are you? Are you? Are you really sure about that? Are you doing this just for attention, like it, and that's something immediately that then can emanate into being the first bully for your kid, or navigating spaces where if you don't, and that's why I'm very fortunate and happy to to facilitate the parent and caregiver group, because oftentimes the parents will try to just relay a bunch of questions to their kid, and their kid is trying to navigate this path on their own, and don't want to be your teacher as well as your kid, and that's where I want to really emanate.

Helen McHaelen: 24:06

And I do think that we need to be clear that that parents and caregivers need a space separate from their children to process their stuff, because you don't parent, you know, they're going to have their things, their fears, they're going to have all of this. What's going to happen? You know, all these they grew up with the same myths and stereotypes everybody else has, right? So we need to give them space to process that. Potentially, for some people, they need the space to mourn the child they thought they had in order to make room for the child that they do have. There's all these things that have to happen, but they don't need to happen in front of the kid, because you don't want to say things to your kid that are going to create, you know, these additional breaches. So, you know, we need to make sure that the support systems exist out there in ways that help the parents and caregivers navigate, but also support the kids. So both sides have to happen, and both need both, you know, joint support, but also in. Individual support. You know, I think that that that's really important. And I think that for most parents, a lot of times what they want to talk to, they want to meet another parent who's gone through what they're going going through. They want to be able to see that there is a path.

Nancy Barrow: 25:15

And it's interesting. I think one thing that you can think about as a resource too, is Connecticut Paid Leave. Not only do they cover like the mental health aspect, but when you're talking about caregivers and all that, the caregiver leave really does have that whole 12 weeks of income replacement. If you're taking care of someone, a child, or you're the caregiver, or whatever your family looks like, the caregiver leave has, like I said earlier, it's related by affinity. So it could mean anybody your neighbor, you know, co worker, whoever you're really close to, who can take time away from work and take care of you. You know, there's something really beautiful about that, that we do have that in Connecticut. And I just, I would love everybody to look at that as a resource, you know, for mental health as well as physical health, because they do also cover gender identity, surgeries and things of that nature, so and hormone replacement. So it's a really good resource to have. So I want you to both think,

Ace Ricker: 26:16

No and that's and that's great, because until we started conversating, I had no clue about that resource. Yeah, and I know some people that would possibly take would want that resource very much, and that's again, with navigating, breaking down these silos. Because again, we have so many silos. And to ask the questions, just to navigate and ask the questions, because they're still so they're simple conversations we're not having because they're still taboo.

Nancy Barrow: 26:51

How important are the services that Connecticut Paid Leave offers?

Helen McHaelen: 26:55

I think they're really important, you know. And I think that that one you know that especially when we're talking about gender affirming care for adults. And the interesting thing is, you know that that gender affirming care is for everybody. It's not just for certain groups of people, right? That everybody has gender so, so gender affirming care is really about everybody. And as a cisgender woman, you know, I've made choices about, you know, how I've modified my body, you know, with tattoos, with, you know, different and you know, so So different people have make different choices about how or when or if, but, but, for example, you know, having the ability to to care for someone who's handing having gender affirming surgery, if your kid is in is in having a difficult time negotiating school or or other things and needs mental health support. You know that that every kid since covid, the rates of depression and anxiety among kids of all genders and orientations has skyrocketed in seven in Connecticut. Yeah. And so, you know, recognizing that people of all orientations and genders, however we define family, that we have access to a range of services that allows us to appropriately care for our family, however we define that.

Ace Ricker: 28:18

And that's a very big thing with the statements you were saying earlier about the that this resource is that it's not just defined by like your primary blood family, and that it has a very ebb and ebb and flow type of dynamic of well, it might be the co worker, or it might be the neighbor, or it might be the the god child, or whomever, and that have it, I know there's some individuals who navigate trying to find resources, and it's like, oh, well, you're you're not related, or you don't live together, or, well, are, how are you related? And if there's no relation, and there's no even an option on the table, and there is an option here, and that's something that oftentimes, even navigating things that should be accessible to us become completely inaccessible, and that this as a resource, has that ability, and you're not just stopped at like, well, I don't communicate with my my blood primary family, but I need a resource with my chosen family. You have that option, and that's something with navigating spaces in just general, often we don't, we don't see and bringing about these resources and navigating with the many avenues of healthcare right now, and just the the complexities of it are. Already hard enough, and then having to explain yourself, well, we've been living together, but we're not related, and we know each other through work like it can be very exhausting, and that can definitely bring about just turmoil, even asking for a resource. So having something that's like, we're not going to ask if, like, you're blood related, and then having this whole list of things you have to prove to us to even navigate if there would possibly, there would be a possibility or not.

Nancy Barrow: 30:29

I really just want to thank you Robin, and I really want to thank youAce, both for being here and kind of laying some knowledge on us, and thanks for helping us define what a chosen family is related by affinity, our expanded definition of family with Connecticut Paid Leave. Thank you so much both for being on this podcast. It was a really important podcast.

Unknown: 30:52

Thank you so much for inviting us. Yeah. Thank you and happy pride. Happy Pride, yeah, Happy pride

Nancy Barrow: 30:58

To apply for benefits. Go to ctpaidleave.org. This has been another edition of The Paid Leave Podcast. Please like and subscribe so you'll be notified about new podcasts that become available. Connecticut Paid Leave is a public act with a personal purpose. I'm Nancy Barrow, and thanks for listening.