The Paid Leave Podcast

Solo Agers Are Changing the Conversation About Aging Independently After 50

• The Connecticut Paid Leave Authority • Season 3 • Episode 51

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There are over 17 million people over the age of 50 who are aging alone in our country, without a partner, children, or family involvement in their daily lives. Ther are at least 250 thousand solo agers in Connecticut. Connecticut Entrepreneur Jill Kovalich, is a solo ager herself, and she founded SoloAgersConnect.com to provide resources and a community for this demographic. Jill highlights the challenges solo agers face, such as financial planning, home safety, and mental health, emphasizing the importance of Connecticut's paid leave program, which allows caregivers to take time away from their jobs to help with serious health conditions of a loved one. For solo agers who are still working and will be possibly into their 70's, paid leave allows them to take time away from their job to take care of their own serious health conditions. Jill also notes the stigma around being a solo ager and the need for more support and resources to help them navigate aging independently.

 To get in touch with Jill go to, solo@soloagersconnect.com.

 The Facebook page to find out about solo ager coffee hours and information go to, solo agers connect.

 For information or to apply for benefits please go to,  ctpaidleave.org.

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Nancy Barrow:

Hello Connecticut, and welcome to The Paid Leave Podcast. The title basically says it all. I'm Nancy Barrow, and I will be delving into this new state program and how it can help you and your family. This podcast will give you information you should know about Connecticut Paid Leave and maybe just a little bit more. Connecticut Paid Leave brings peace of mind to your home, family and workplace. Welcome to The Paid Leave Podcast. More seniors are living alone than ever before, and as people live longer, the senior population is growing fast, by 2040, 78 point 3 million Americans are expected to be 65 years or older. November is National Family Caregiver month. Connecticut entrepreneur Jill Kovalich is the founder of the unique online hub, soloagersconnect.com, designed for solo agers to easily find information and resources, service providers, events and to connect with an online community on Facebook. Jill is also a solo ager with a positive outlook on aging and life. And welcome to The Paid Leave Podcast Jill!

Jill Kovalich:

Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.

Nancy Barrow:

So tell me a little bit about what solo agers are, who they are.

Jill Kovalich:

So that invisible, 17 million people across the United States. Solo agers are people over 50 who are aging alone. That means they don't have a partner or a spouse. They generally do not have children, and they do not have family involved in their daily lives. Now you can cycle into being a solo ager at many points in your life. So you can be a person who never married, never had children. You can be somebody who may be divorced, and we have a lot of Gray Divorce, which makes people single at a later point in life. You can go through a marriage and be widowed. You can also have a partner who maybe is even in a dementia care facility, who's not really participating in your life as a couple. And many people have a child who either lives really far away and they're not available to participate in their life, or they're estranged, which is something I hear more and more about. So that just means that they have a child but they're not involved in their lives in any way. So you can cycle into being a solo ager. But the bottom line is, it's a person over 50, aging alone.

Nancy Barrow:

Interesting, so how did you find out about solo agers? And when did that happen for you?

Jill Kovalich:

It was a result of many points of information coming at me over a period of time, as I started to get closer to 60, and my father passed away, and my sister and I, she's a retired nurse, she and I tag teamed for his end of life care. And then later, a few years later, did the same thing for my mother. And as that process, you know, kind of played out, I looked at my life and said, Wow, you know, who's going to be there to take care of me when I'm older? I do have a small family. I have a couple of nieces in Connecticut there. They have their own lives. We're close, but they're not involved in my life every day, sure. And my sister has a life of her own as well. So I started looking at this, and I started wondering, well, how do I plan for this care? And maybe I should think about where I'm living and how I'm going to age in place? And I went out on the internet to kind of look at, you know, finding information for that, and I couldn't find anything. The world seems very geared towards couples, whether you're looking for long term care insurance or building equity in a home or financial investing. So I thought, I can't find it. I'm going to build it. And so I built a website, which is really an informational directory for people like me who have questions about where they're going to live and manage their finances or find a home or make decisions as I age.

Nancy Barrow:

That's that's so interesting. And how did you gather all this information, and where'd you find it, and all the resources for your solo agers, connect.com and what type of resources do you have available?

Jill Kovalich:

Sure, well, I spent over 30 years in professional in a career where I've worked in sales and marketing, and so I just have a mind for marketing. I'm always looking at trends and data and pulling little disparate pieces of information to find out what's happening. So I just naturally kind of migrated to that. And the Resources section of my website has information from many, like, lots of links in there for federal sites, for state sites that have information, anything from veterans information to housing information to transportation. There are also nonprofit organizations in there, and it's just a matter of collecting that data. And I have a lot of great people around me who have sent me information and said, Hey, you should include this or include that the information on the website that has articles, which I call insights. Those topics are topics that I have researched going out there to find out what people like myself are worrying about, and then I take that information and repurpose it into an informational article. And the intent really is to help solo agers find answers as they navigate through these challenges. So. And then there are service providers. So there's a list of service providers in there to connect them with. They're vetted, so they can trust the services that they provide. So I've just put it all together like that, and the site itself continues to expand. There's also a social media presence as well to build a community, because that's a big aspect of it as well.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, I looked at your Facebook page, so it's pretty interesting. And and you gather for coffees and things around Connecticut. So tell me a little bit about that, because I think that is super cool that you're trying to keep people connected. Because I think if you're alone, solo, aging, it can be very isolating. So I think that this is brilliant, that you've done that.

Jill Kovalich:

Thank you. Isolation and loneliness really cuts across all age groups, but the people who are over 50 All right, as you get older, it's just harder and harder to make friends, to meet people, and especially to connect to people. So as you're much older, your life sort of shrinks and your social circle shrinks, and it just is very difficult to meet people. So one thing that I wanted to do with solo agers connect was to connect people. To connect solo agers, that's the name of the business. But yes, I wanted to launch coffee socials. I'm a coffee drinker, so my favorite thing is, hey, you know, have a latte and some conversation. And I was going to start them later this year, but I actually launched them in March. So I have one that starts every third Saturday in Newington. There is a third Wednesday every month in Wallingford. That's a fairly new one. I have one going on in Farmington every fourth Saturday, and then in Tolland every first Friday. And now I'm looking at the old say, Brook shoreline area as well as Norwich or Killingly area. And one towards Berlin, Middlesex County and Middletown. So they're growing and what I really like about the coffee socials is that people show up. It's super casual. It's always a safe environment, because it's normally just a coffee shop, and they grab their coffee and they sit down and join other people. And what I really like to see is people laughing and talking and finding things in common to talk about, and then maybe even exchanging information like their their phone number or something when they leave. And I thought, Great, somebody's made a new friend. It's wonderful. One reason to have started these on a Saturday is because senior centers do not have activities on the weekend. And so people had told me, they said, Well, you know, everybody goes home to their spouse at the end of the day, and there's nothing on the weekends. So I thought, Okay, well, let's kick it off on a Saturday morning. That way you don't spend your whole weekend isolated with no human contact. You start out with a group, and if it's your thing, you come back.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, I spoke with Congressman Chris Murphy on the podcast about the epidemic of loneliness and isolation, and there's certainly, like you said, real issues for solo agers. What about mental health services? How important is your mental health as you age?

Jill Kovalich:

Mental health is important at every age, yeah, but there's a lot of data that, and I'm not a super expert on this, but there's a lot of data that points to the fact that older people, when they are isolated, and they mean socially isolated. They're just not seeing other people, they're not having conversations, they're not mentally stimulated. They can develop dementia. They can they get very depressed, and their health goes downhill very rapidly. So the more you can engage with people and have conversations or find purpose every day, then the more likely you are to maintain good health, and there are many studies that back that up.

Nancy Barrow:

How important are resources like Connecticut Paid Leave when it when it comes to your mental health, that give you that ability to take time away or have a caregiver come and give you the support that you need?

Jill Kovalich:

It's very difficult to take care of another person and also not neglect your own needs. And caregivers tend to have a higher incidence of stress and physical illness than people who are not in a caregiver position. So any type of support you can get around that is absolutely critical to maintaining your own health, as well as providing the right kind of health to the, you know, health care to the person that you're caring for. So anything at all that can help with that is good. And when you're working a full time job and you have the stresses of that the person you're caring for is not on your schedule, they could be up in the middle of the night, and then that, you know, is difficult, because then, if you're up at three o'clock in the morning helping them, and you have to be to work at eight or nine o'clock that makes life very difficult.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, it certainly does. And I think one of the interesting parts of Connecticut Paid Leave is the caregiver aspect of it is it's related by affinity. So it doesn't have to be a blood relative. It can be a neighbor who's like a family member, especially if you're a solo ager. You know, you have a chosen family. Sometimes, you know, maybe a best friend or something like that. And I feel like that aspect of our caregiver leave is so important that for solo agers, I think that that's a unique caregiver aspect of Connecticut Paid Leave that can really help solo agers.

Jill Kovalich:

Most definitely, and they should. Take advantage of that. One thing I've come in contact with since I started this was talking to a lot of women who are widowed, who are single, who divorced, never remarried, so they are solo agers now. And even the statistics in Connecticut will tell you that as far as family caregivers go, as far as marital status, 30% of caregivers are single. So they're single, Never married or widowed or separated or divorced. So that's important to know that they don't have another person helping them. So that's very critical to be able to get that help.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, and it's that expanded version of family, I think is so important for that. Why is it that more and more people are becoming solo agers? It's like, it's like a trend, like, you know, I'm a solo ager. I have friends who are solo agers, and I had never heard of this term, so I'm going to send them this podcast. I think it's great information, because then you can kind of identify, like, Oh, wow. You know, I fit in that category.

Jill Kovalich:

Well it's kind of interesting, because there's another term called elder orphan, and that's not very well known either, but when I came across that, I did not like that term, and other people I talked to, they don't like it either. My mother was well into her 80s before she deigned to agree to be referred to as elder. So then, by then, it was a badge of honor, but people in their 60s or 70s, you know, they're still traveling. They're running businesses. They're solopreneurs, they're solo travelers, so now they're solo agers. And I think it's a much more apt term than elder orphan. People over 60 don't feel elderly, and many of them are caring for their parents, so therefore they are not orphans, but a solo ager. Yeah, it's a pretty I think it's a good term. I think it really is. And there is a trend, because more people are well, we have the gray divorce. We hear about this, where people are married, you know, well over 20 or 30 years, and suddenly find themselves single, and then spouses pass away, and different things happen, but also women, having moved into the workforce, you know, have some income, and they have the ability to own a home and save for retirement and really manage their own life. So marriage does not always have the same place in our lives as it did, maybe in the 50s and before that, and families have been shrinking since the early 1960s we have probably many of us have heard about a declining birth rate, which is affecting the entire planet, for many reasons, but so so you have fewer women becoming mothers, all right, fewer people having children, and more financial independence, which allows us to not rely on marriage as for financial well being. So I think a lot of those trends and other things, you know, social changes, there's not as much pressure to be married today as there might have been in the 40s and 50s, all right. So those types of points, again, you know, in my marketing brain, they converge to build a picture that that brings us to a trend. You know, there's also a trend of just older people living alone. That's another thing that's getting a lot of attention these days, more households with one person in them.

Nancy Barrow:

And mainly women, we live longer, right? So that is in a population that is growing, I think.

Jill Kovalich:

Oh, definitely. And women do live longer, we still outlive men, and 80% of women, or actually, it's over 80% of women, end up alone anyway, and women are generally the ones who need care, and also, in turn, are the caregivers, the providers of care. So all those things are important to look at again. It's all trends. It's this is a train that's continuing to move forward, and it's not going to change. It's not we're not suddenly going to age backwards. There's not suddenly going to be a huge population boom. I mean, I could be wrong, but nothing points to that. So this is something that has to be recognized, and we have to find ways to deal with this, and in a positive way too. I think it's great to get on a rotational call to check on people, but again, that's one conversation out of an entire 24 hour day.

Nancy Barrow:

How many people in Connecticut do you have that statistic of how many solo agers that we have here in our state?

Jill Kovalich:

When I did some research last year, and this is going to change, because the age has changed, so my research indicated that there are a quarter of a million solo agers just in Connecticut, and I think that number is higher than 250,000 because that data was based on people over 60. And when I look at solo agers, I really think that age 50 and older is very critical, because by the time you're 50, if you're not married, you're probably not going to be you're really in your life, you know, in a place where you kind of have it figured out, doesn't mean you won't have a partner of some kind, but you you might not remarry. You really need to pay attention in your 50s to planning for financial well being and where you're going to live, and start asking these questions and planning so that when you get into your 60s. And fall into that statistic that your life is in a good place. But I think there's more than 250,000.

Nancy Barrow:

There's a lot of women who were very focused on their career. Like I said, My friend wants to work until she's 70. This is something a choice that she has made. She doesn't have to. She makes a lot of money, but that's something that she wants to do. Are you finding people working longer because they want to have that, whether it's a reason to get up in the morning, or are you finding women working longer in the workforce?

Jill Kovalich:

A lot of people are working longer in the in the workforce. I can only speak from my own personal experience as a woman who has, who has had a career, although I never thought of myself as the career woman, but I just never had a strong desire to have children of my own and and so time goes by and that door closes, and you keep moving on with life. But it's funny, because women have these choices, but the way that policies are set up makes it very difficult to manage those choices. So you know, it's just a tough, tough thing to have a career and to be able to build your financial well being throughout your lifetime, because not working does not help you do that, and it's very difficult if you're married and you're living on one income, to really plan for a good financial future. So there are a lot of elements I think, that play into that. So it's really hard to say, but there are, I believe that there are a lot of, I know a lot of women who have had good careers, and they never had children, and they have full and fulfilling lives, and they do not have regrets of not, you know, opening door number one to childhood, they step through door number two, and it's just, it's just the way sometimes life just sort of happens. It only happens that way for women, because for men, it's not quite as critical. You know, they're I don't think men have the same kind of choices, because they're not the ones actually having the children. I still think it's a different situation for women and a bigger choice.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, and is there a stigma to being a solo ager? Because the world is really built around, like you said, couples and families?

Jill Kovalich:

I think there is something to that. I watched a very popular TV show, I won't mention that was ended a little while ago, but it was, really, was like a six series show, and the way that it ended, everybody ended up coupled up, and I and I loved the show, and I saw the end of it, and I thought, isn't that interesting that they said the solution for total happiness was that everybody was coupled up. But that's so not the reality. And I know some. I know women of all different ages, and women in their 80s who are very active and interesting and mentally with it, and they have great social connections and a wonderful life, and they are unpartnered, they're divorced and never remarried or never married, or they're widowed. And I just think the reality is that you can have a great life at any point in your life, all right, as a solo Ager, all right? People who are traveling as a solo, that's another aspect to it as well. So people who want to travel think, oh, gosh, if I go, you know, I'm afraid to do this by myself. Or what will people think, right? And, and, yes, I think there's a stigma to it. I remember going to chamber meetings and business meetings and things like this. And people boldly would say, Oh, so you don't have any children. And I would jokingly say, which I truly meant, I'm on the no tuition plan. And some people who are parents would say, Oh, I'm so jealous. So you can look at a lot of different ways, but I think that married people who are comfortable with that decision and happy with that decision cannot quite walk in my shoes, and I'm not completely able to walk in theirs. I have been married, so I understand the challenges there, but I Yes, I think there's a little bit of a stigma, but I think that that's getting that's changing because of the solo travel and the different depictions of people who are purchasing homes and living life and getting involved, and women who are starting businesses. So I think that there is a little stigma, but I'm hoping that it's changing a little as we become more aware of what this means and by the sheer volume of people.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, I think that that's really where it's going to be you know, the biggest effect that the population is aging?

Jill Kovalich:

Yes, it is. It is aging, and it is huge, and we're just going to be hearing more and more about this.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, I can't remember one of the stats, but I remember hearing that at some point. And I don't know if it's like 2035 but that there's going to be more 65 year olds than 18 year olds, or something of that nature, which I found fascinating, like that, is the decline of the birth rate, right?

Jill Kovalich:

It is a decline of the birth rate, but I can tell you that right now, people 55 and older outnumber children from kindergarten through age 15, which is the middle of high school. So right now to. Day as we sit here, people 55 and older, outnumber them. And it's interesting because I do a presentation on this, and I really highlight a lot of the demographic trends, okay? And it paints a picture of what things look like today and how they're going to look as we move forward. And believe me, it's really interesting to think about what that means empty high schools, or, you know, consolidated middle schools and grammar schools and services in your towns and all, all sorts of things like that. Technology may step in to help, you know, with some things, but already we have people who are over 55 more of them than we do kids in school.

Nancy Barrow:

What are the biggest challenges for solo agers that that you think we need to know about?

Jill Kovalich:

Probably, gosh, there are so many, I think that probably the top three that that affect everybody, which is always, you know, your financial, your health and and then, of course, relationships. But the interesting thing is that solo agers worry about things that couples don't, all right, so for some weird examples, are things like pets, all right? And here's a weird one I thought was interesting. I had a pet. I still miss her. She's she's been gone for a while, but when you're married and you have a pet, you don't worry about, gosh, if something happens to me, because your husband will inherit the pet exactly, or your daughter will adopt fluffy, right? But when you're alone, you know, people have said, Gosh, I'd really like to get another pet, but how old should I be when I get that pet? Because what happens if I die first? And that's a kind of a scary thought, you know? So you that's just a very small piece of it. But what about home safety? You know, if is somebody checking on you, because if you're living alone, then you fall down this. This is terrible. I'm gonna paint an ugly picture here. But if something happens to you and I, I've said this to my sister, I said, Well, if I go downstairs to do my laundry and something happens to me down there, I said, who's gonna know for how many days will it be till somebody finds me so being alone like that and not having someone check on you all right? So as you age, that becomes more of an issue. So a fear, some fears around that.

Nancy Barrow:

Always have your phone on you, in your back pocket or somewhere on you.

Jill Kovalich:

Yeah, and not everybody does that. In a slip and fall situation, your phone can easily fly out of your pocket or break on the floor. So these are things that can be planned ahead, you know, and equipping your house, for example, for aging alone, it's just the fact that nobody's there to, you know, check on you, but definitely weird things like that. And finances. Finances are a big deal because if you are building a very long period of time on one income, I have never heard of a mortgage where they or a realtor saying, Well, you know something, you're only one person, we're going to take $100,000 off the purchase of that house. That doesn't happen that way. The bank doesn't say, well, you're one person, will charge you half the cost for that mortgage. It doesn't happen that way. So finances are a big issue because you're planning on one income for financial stability, and especially again, if you're a woman and you live longer and you have good like for me, I have longevity in my family. We have no dementia in our family. Hopefully it won't start with me and you know, so I look at that, I say, Well, gosh, you know, I could easily live into my 90s, so I better make sure I have a good plan in place. All right, so finances are a big part of that. You know, I think that you could probably take any long term care. Most people who are insurance, people who are presenting long term care policies, often talk about it as well. This policy for you and your spouse. So, okay, what product do you have for me and me? You know, yeah, so things like that. The conversation is still around how couples manage, all right, estate planning, you know, assigning your your spouse as a beneficiary, who's going to, you know, being your executor, or your Advanced Directives person, or your power of attorney. Well, it falls to that person. When you're a solo Ager, that planning changes dramatically. Is it a family member? Do you have a family member? Are you even close to a niece or a nephew living in another state? Would they want to even take on the burden of executor? So these are these are questions that are not as easily answered by solo agers as they are more easily answered by people who are married in families.

Nancy Barrow:

Give me some strategies for creating a positive outlook as we age like you have, you consider yourself very positive about that. So So give me some strategies for people.

Jill Kovalich:

Yeah, that's the DNA I get from my dad's side.

Nancy Barrow:

Thank you, Dad!

Jill Kovalich:

Thank you. He was always very positive and and I think I'm overall a positive person, but I'm very pragmatic too. And I think different things fit for different people. So when I talk to solo agers, I talk about creating a more fulfilled and connected life. And so I go back to in high school, it's like, oh, yu have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, all right. Well, now at this point, you have to try a lot of activities or things to find that map. Match, all right? And so those things might be, for example, connecting with community. So how connected are you? Are you going to the Senior Center? Maybe it's not your thing, all right. Can you do volunteer work? Well, then find something you really like. Libraries now have turned into incredible community connected places where you can join groups, you can go for talks, you can learn. You can do social connections. I would say, if you're not engaged with your library, go there. Also libraries and senior centers help with technology. So those are great places to learn that and to incorporate that into your life. So I tell people, all right, so you know, as far as that goes, you know, find a place. Find the things you like, believe me, there is no lack of organizations that can use your help. All right. So find something you like, and so you connect with something. You have to go nuts with it. You can maybe one group, and you say, I'll try this one thing, and if I like it, it's good. You know, come to a coffee social. Maybe it's your thing. Maybe it's not your thing. I've taken an art class at the New Britain Museum of American Art. So you can join social clubs like Elks or rotary or different things like that. You'll meet different people. You can also solo travel. You can go you can go by yourself, but a lot of solo travel happens in groups. You know, I went actually on a solo trip last year to Paris for Christmas. It was amazing. I went by myself, but I was part of a very small group, and they were all solo ager women, and I've kept in touch with them, which is really pretty cool.

Nancy Barrow:

So are there travel agents that are really catering to these?

Jill Kovalich:

Absolutely, and it's huge, and it's growing, yes. And also a solo traveler can also be a woman who's married, whose husband has absolutely zero interest in going on this trip?

Nancy Barrow:

Yes, I know somebody just like that. Yes, I know someone like that. She's and she's in her 30s, so yeah.

Jill Kovalich:

So you know, you have to be open to trying new things and an interesting thing. I mean, a year and a half ago, if anybody had asked me this, I would have said, No, I I never would have thought I'd be doing this. But I shoot in a woman's pool League. All right, I'm not very good. I hope I'm getting better, but then that resulted into a Monday night mixed League of men and women. So I'm playing most Monday nights. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I'd be in a billiards Hall shooting pool and enjoying it. But every time I do that, I am around a whole group of people, there's new conversations. I'm having new experiences. So you can be surprised when you reach out and try to find things, but you can find through your senior centers, through your community, through my website, churches, your church, a spiritual community. I belong to a very good spiritual community. I find it wonderful because I've made some nice friends in that and, you know, it may not be for everyone, but I think that's a very good place to go to. So you'll, you'll find people. And when you, when you have a hobby or an interest and you pursue that, you automatically have something in common with the other people in that group. Yeah.

Nancy Barrow:

And any last thoughts about how resources like Connecticut Paid Leave can help in the caregiving aspect and the mental health aspect of solo agers?

Jill Kovalich:

I think that the intersection of the Connecticut Paid Leave Act and solo agers happens where a lot of solo agers do live with an aging parent and they are taking care of them. You don't have to do it alone. I think that taking taking advantage of these types of policies, understanding them, do a little research to find out what is available to you, and use them to help yourself. Because if you help yourself, you can help the person you're caring for at a much higher level.

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, we'd love to partner with you doing anything so we can get the information out to people so they know that this is available to them.

Jill Kovalich:

Great. Well, let's start with a cup of coffee!

Nancy Barrow:

Let's do that. I want thank my incredible guest Connecticut entrepreneur Jill kovalish, who is the founder of the unique online hub, soloagersconnect.com, definitely check it out, it's really great. And thank you so much for being on The Paid Leave Podcast.

Jill Kovalich:

Thank you. It was a pleasure to be your guest

Nancy Barrow:

Yeah, it was wonderful getting to know you today. and talking with you. For more information or to apply for benefits, please go to ctpaidleave.org. This has been another edition of The Paid Leave Podcast, please like and subscribe so you'll be notified about new podcasts that become available. Connecticut Paid Leave is a public act with a personal purpose. I'm Nancy Barrow, and thanks for listening.

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