Beauty in Battle Podcast

Believing In Your Spouse

July 26, 2022 Jason Benham, Tori Benham Episode 30
Believing In Your Spouse
Beauty in Battle Podcast
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Beauty in Battle Podcast
Believing In Your Spouse
Jul 26, 2022 Episode 30
Jason Benham, Tori Benham

A few weeks ago we had lunch with one of our pastors from church and his wife. The way they interacted with each other was one of the most refreshing and enlightening experiences we've had with a couple. After 22 years of marriage, they are still "madly" in love with each other, love being around one another, all while being in full-throttle parent mode. 

We sat in our car afterward and both agreed - "we're gonna get these two on our podcast, period!" Fortunately, we didn't have to threaten them or anything like that! Ha Ha. 

We finally got them in the studio and had a powerful conversation. All we can say is that you're going to love these two. 

In this episode, Nathan and Tamsey Smith share their story and some very practical marriage advice.  They give several things they do to keep their marriage vibrant.  The first tip they share is something we're going to incorporate in our own marriage immediately!


Show Notes Transcript

A few weeks ago we had lunch with one of our pastors from church and his wife. The way they interacted with each other was one of the most refreshing and enlightening experiences we've had with a couple. After 22 years of marriage, they are still "madly" in love with each other, love being around one another, all while being in full-throttle parent mode. 

We sat in our car afterward and both agreed - "we're gonna get these two on our podcast, period!" Fortunately, we didn't have to threaten them or anything like that! Ha Ha. 

We finally got them in the studio and had a powerful conversation. All we can say is that you're going to love these two. 

In this episode, Nathan and Tamsey Smith share their story and some very practical marriage advice.  They give several things they do to keep their marriage vibrant.  The first tip they share is something we're going to incorporate in our own marriage immediately!


All right. We're pumped. We are pumped about our podcast today. We are with some very good friends of ours, Nathan and Tassey Smith. And Nathan, is, are you an executive pastor? That's what they call him. The refuge church. Yeah. They call me other things, but that's, that's this that's yes. Yeah. He's an executive pastor at the church that we attend.

Uh, the refuge church, his wife. Tassey, you're a Reebok sponsored athlete. Right? I. That is big time. It is big time. How do you get Reebok sponsored? You gotta be like in really good shape. You have to work hard. I love it, but they're a power couple and Tori and I were having lunch with them. Mm-hmm , uh, a couple weeks ago and just sitting there with them.

The famous toasty in Concord. Thank you. And if we ever take you to the famous toasty in Concord, you have arrived. that's right. We felt it. Yeah. It's our favorite place we felt. Yeah, it's a good thing. Get the cob salad, throw a little sunny side up egg and some ranch dressing. And it's a party in your mouth.

Yeah, it was fun watching you eat it. I mean, that was, was entertaining. I enjoyed it. Yeah, it was great. So what little time it took, right? That was the thing. It was impressive. He inhales, yeah. That's so funny. I got blood work the other day and, and one of the doctors was telling me, uh, what you really need to do is slow down in, in how you eat.

And, uh, so the other day Tori was watching me eat. She reached over and grabbed my arm and said, slow down. It's not going anywhere. like, oh, it feels like it's going somewhere. Yeah. I was like, I'm starving. . So back to Nathan and Tansey, and then we're, we're sitting there having lunch with them and just the way that they were communicating with each other, the way that.

We're just around each other and holding hands and doing all this stuff. Uh, what I really recognized about them was something in, in them that I wanted you guys as our listeners to hear their story, to hear just, uh, you know, from, from a perspective of Nathan's a pastor, she's got her own business, uh, doing, are you doing personal training, personal training?

Mm-hmm yes. And you've got how many little ones, when I say little, we have three, not little anymore. Not so little ones. Yeah. Yeah. What other. 18 16, 13. Oh, okay. Okay. You guys are almost empty nesters. Yes. Which is weird to how do you close? Think about yes. Yes. You're almost grandparents. That's I felt that when you said that, I was like, all, we haven't really thought about that.

Yeah. Well, Lord, is that okay? Y'all are old. Okay. But anyway, I wanted to just get on and, and have Nathan and Tassey on. We want to have a great conversation with you guys to where you can share just some things that'll help us all in marriage. Yeah. How have you all been. 22 years, 22 years. You're just ahead of us 22 years.

That's awesome. We have a standing joke, every anniversary where we go, like for instance, this year, man, 22 years, can you believe it? 18 of the greatest years of our so, yeah, that's awesome. Hey, it was only your first four. That was rough was our first five for sure. To, okay. So Torah, before we get started, we gotta start with some jokes, right?

Let's do it. Yes. Okay. So I've got a joke from Lu. Zalla is that how you say? Oh, JJ. Zals yeah, his son. Okay. Luca. Yeah. Luca. Luca is the best. He sends us the best jokes. What do you call a lost Wolf? Hmm. I have no idea. A where Wolf, where I love it. Well played so good. Okay. One more. Kim Vincent sent me a bunch of them, but I'm gonna give you one that I like.

That's great. Why did the bicycle fall down? Why two tires? What I didn't follow that too tired, too tired, too tired. I thought you said two tires. I did. Cuz like it's a joke. it's because it's a joke, Jason. I did. Can you please get with the thank you Luca? Yeah, you can. Mm-hmm powerful. Powerful jokes. Okay.

Hey, I wanna, I wanna jump in and talk with you guys. So Nathan, uh, Tasy would, who, who wants to go first? This will show who, how good your relationship is. Yeah. I'm Nathan always wants to go first. yes. Right. I always wanna go first, but then I have to lay my life down. That's really just how humble. So, yes, I love.

That's great. So Nathan, let let's do that. Yeah. Since you're the pastor, you're always on stage. Oh God, help us. Mm-hmm tell where did you guys meet? Tell us a little bit about your background and story, and then let's just get and start talking about marriage. Yeah. There's a lot of couples out there that listen to this and it's awesome.

How can we encourage 'em? Well, let me just say, as we start this, thank you for the privilege of getting to be on the podcast. And of course, we're just getting to hang out in all truth. It's just a blast and so excited about it. Tasy and I met. The summer or right as junior year started in high school. Yep.

Um, I grew up moving a good bit. My dad's a Methodist pastor, so my middle name is Wesley. So I'm in it for life, right. That's the way that works. No choice. Yeah. And, uh, so moving around and we got, uh, I came to the area that she lived. And, um, really , it's funny. My little sister met her at, at a thing that summer I was working at a music store.

Both of your sisters and your mom. Oh, okay. I just remember Allison talking to me. Okay. So yes. They're like, Hey, we met this great girl named tamsey. Right. Okay. And so like, everybody does like Tammy. No, no. Tassey you know, like, oh, okay. And, uh, you ought to meet her. Okay, great. That's awesome. Yeah, that was my, literally my introduction.

I hadn't even met her yet. My family's telling me about this girl. They. It's always a good sign if your family likes it. Yeah. That was a good thing. And, um, so then we just became, we became friends in, in high school. We had a, um, a, uh, a period in our junior year, fifth, I think it was fifth period where we were like office a yep.

Oh. Oh, wow. So it was just literally the two of us, almost like a table like this. Yeah. Mm-hmm we would sit there and if they needed something, the counselors needed something we'd run and do whatever. Otherwise we sat and chatted and we became really good friends. Oh, but you never played Foote or anything like that?

No. No. Okay. Well, he had a girlfriend. Oh, Shi. You know, what, what are you supposed to do? You know what I'm saying? I'm not sure if he was trying to leave that out or not. There was no ring on the finger. Amen. Got it. And, um, So anyway through that process, we became really good friends and. Um, the other relationship, which was a long distance relationship ended.

Okay. And then probably five or six months later. Um, you know, we started dating, went to our junior prom together. Okay. Aw. So you have the pictures to that still? We do. Oh, that's and then it got really sappy after that. I mean, it gets worse, guys. It gets worse. It gets worse. Do you wanna take it from there?

I mean, it is, it's really deplorable. Um, so our senior year we continued to date and we were voted. President and vice president. He was president. I was vice president. Okay. And then we also went on to the prom king and point. Oh, I told you, I tried to warn you. That is no, no, it's, it's disgusting. That's I pick Americana.

It's disgusting. Yeah. That's so great. Yeah. So we had no choice, but to get married. Yeah. At that point, you kind of thought, well, I mean, you were nominated. Sure. Yeah. That's we got voted in to marriage, you know, you guys are. Bill and Hillary Clinton. Oh my God. That's look don't you ever say that to my face again?

No. Sorry. Yeah, but I mean, we that's, so we've really literally been together since our junior year of high school. Yeah. High school sweethearts. We got married. We were 20 years old. Both of us were 20 years old. That's and, um, how were the, how were the first few years of marriage? Yeah, they were hard.

Absolutely. They were, they required a lot of us because we actually moved, um, from, from our hometown, we moved about an hour and a half away to help start a church. Okay. Before we got married mm-hmm oh, wow. Um, we both felt called to help start this church. And so we moved down. Not together. Not, no, we didn't live together.

I just wanted to clarify separate apartments. But we helped start a church. We got engaged, we got married. And so our first few years married was building a church, helping build to church. He was the worship pastor. I was in school full time. Mm-hmm , um, driving an hour, one way to, and from school, I went to university of west Florida.

And so, um, so it was stressful and I was, I was working quite a lot as well. So it was stressful. We hardly ever saw each other. Yeah. Wow. We bought a house within the year, first year and a half of being married. On an island on an island. Mm-hmm wow. Yeah. So it was, was a stressful few years. What did, what did you do?

How'd you stay together? Oh my gosh. We prayed. We laid, we prayed a lot, cried a lot. We cried a lot prayed, honestly. Yeah. Um, and I guess within the first three years of us being married, we actually felt the Lord calling us to lay down our position at that church. Okay. And move away. We didn't know what, okay.

You know, like the call of Abraham kind of thing, mm-hmm, calling you to a land and you, like, you don't know what yeah. What you're going, getting called to, you know? So, um, so yeah, there was a lot of prayer, a lot of tears. Mm-hmm um, a lot of meetings, so no kids at this point, no kids. Okay. No kids, but, oh, that's a fun story too.

um, the week. Turned in our resignation. Mm-hmm we found out we were pregnant. Okay. About our first child. Well, yeah, after, so I, I turned in my resignation. We really feel like, okay, God has spoken. It's time for us to lay this down. He's gonna show us what to do. I'm thinking, man, we're we're being so sweet.

We're honoring Jesus, right? 30 days. Mm-hmm we're just gonna have a vacation. God's gonna show us. Yeah. We find out a week later we're pregnant. Wow. Then it's like 60 days. Then it's like, okay, well, if this keeps going, we can't keep our house. Like we're, we're really in trouble, you know? And, um, yeah, so we sold our house and moved in with her parents.

Oh, wow. Wow. And in all truth, that's ultimately how we ended up in North Carolina. Okay. Yep. Um, because pastor Jay Stewart was a pastor in south Alabama that time. Oh, okay. Yeah. And too many stories to tell, but we connected and. Um, through that, through that journey, I said, I set up a meeting with him to say, Hey, I know you see me around.

I know you knew I was part of this church playing at the beach and all these crazy cool things happen. And I was traveling, doing music, playing with big daddy, weave, you know, Mike was my roommate and we're doing all kinds of fun stuff. Um, But I was like, I just needed to meet with you and let you know, I, I look like a loser, but I'm not one, you know, like that was literally looks are deceiving.

They are deceiving, you know, Nancy didn't marry a loser. Yeah. Although there's a lot of evidence at this point that it seems that way. Uh, and all of that, I just said, I, I feel like I, the Lord's trying to kill me or what the deal is, but I thought being obedient, like, oh, all these doors were open. Yeah. And nothing happened.

And I'm like, oh, we're in big trouble. And, um, so anyway that the Lord used that what I thought would be 30 days ended up being a year. Whoa. and that's where in meeting Jay, we began to pray and talk about coming here. Right. So that's how we ended up in North Carolina. That's the, the short version. And can I pause your story just, would you please?

Okay, so you were married for how long? At this point? Three and a half. Three and a half. Okay. So three and a half years. Uh, Tori and I have a lot of friends. It seems we've gotten invited to a lot of weddings lately. You just preached it once. Yeah. Mm-hmm um, Nathan, uh, There's a lot of young couples that, that either listened to this, or one of the, one of the, one of the spouses listened to this podcast, what would you tell them?

First, three and a half years. You guys had a lot of transition. You said you had a lot of tears going on at the same time. Oh yeah. So obviously you. Arguing or button heads about something. Yeah. Oh yeah, totally. Can you guys get practical with us on maybe what an argument was and, and some, some practical things that helped you during that time to make it to where you're 22 years married.

Yeah, but they need to hear something and so much stress in your life that plays into it so much. Oh my goodness. It was a, it was giant. Well, let me just say, looking back on it now, the wisdom that I've gained is minimize your stressors. Mm-hmm oh, that's good. Minimize your stressors. You know, you it's enough to just be married.

Yes. Like just focus on that, you know, just focus on each other and. Build in time for each other. That was one of our mistakes. Okay. That if, if I could go back and change, I would that's good advice. We, we did not build in time for each other. Yeah. Okay. We just kept trucking right. Along doing good things, right.

Yeah. Right. Like even though you didn't have kids, right. Yeah. Still were just busy doing good things. Building a church. she's finishing her degree. You know, we bought a house, we're renovating it and we have zero skill in this department, you know, we did that. Oh man. Oh yeah. And so that was like all these stressors mm-hmm yeah.

Yeah. And, and very little time considering. When am I gonna spend time with my spouse? Mm-hmm when am I gonna invest in this relationship? We just didn't have that amount of wisdom to know right. That we need. We just thought, you know, we're in love. Yeah. So that's enough. Right? Exactly. So TA if you could go back in that first three and a half years, and when you said spend more time together, what would you have done different?

Um, build in a date night. Mm, of course. Yes. That's right. Every week. Build in a date night. Yeah. Have dinner together. Look each other in the eyes. Yeah. Over your plate at the table. Talk about your day. Mm. Pray together. Pray together, pray together. Mm. I think that's one of the things we've implemented later on in our marriage that I wish we had done earlier.

I'm talking about a lot of regrets. I'm sorry. No, no, no, that's good. This is it's real life start it's real life. But, um, we, we are diligent now and intentional to set a prayer time almost every day. Mm-hmm yeah. Um, we pray together and that single act has. Unified us like nothing else, no question. Like nothing else.

Like when we pray together, there is just this unity. Wow. And, and if there's something that we're in disunity about. That prayer time forces us to face that issue. Wow. That's good. And, and come together on it. Right, right. Yeah. Absolutely good. No, it's a game changer. You're praying together now. How do you do that?

Like, do you do it in the morning? Do you do it at night? Yeah. Do you do it at both morning? Mostly we're both morning people. Okay. We like to get up and get the day started pretty early. I felt, well, we decided to be morning people. There was a point in our marriage when we were both. We're gonna be morning people.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We decided, yeah, it wasn't a natural day. No, it wasn't choice. I either, especially was that after kids, after kids mm-hmm yep. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. After kids, that's the only time if we wanna have time together, if we wanna have time for ourselves, it's gonna have to be early in the morning. Yep.

So you guys, so when you wake up in the morning, mm-hmm , this is hyper practical. Love it for our folks. Go for it. When you wake up in the morning, do you both like individually read the Bible? What did I say individually, individually together? I was appreciating that. I thought that was really powerful.

Cause that really sense. Tell us how you've individually do it together. Yeah. Let's break that down in the Greek. Yeah. It's miraculous. That was great. So, but you individually read the Bible? Yep. And then you come together and pray together or do you also have your own private time of prayer and then you come together and then how long do you pray together?

All. Depends on how much time we have each morning. Mm-hmm 30 ish. Yeah. In the 30 minute depart. Awesome. 10, 15, 30, sometimes 10 minutes, but a lot of times. Oh yeah. True. As, as, as little as I wouldn't say less than 10 though. No. Yeah, yeah. Wow. It takes us that long just to like pray for our kids. That is so good.

Yeah. I love that when Jason and I, when we walked away from having lunch with. We both were like, I just feel like they're for each other. Yeah. You know, like you just, sometimes you, what couple, you just get that sense from a couple, like, wow. They're just for each other. Like they're in each other's corner.

And, um, that's a lot, I remember several months ago, Jason and I kind of got into this series and I'm, I'm kind of scared to say this out loud, but this is us. Okay. Yeah. So there are some that are, are not really appropriate. And there are some that we didn't watch have to, I have to put that caveat in, put it in the disclaimer, but we, yeah, we started, we actually started it.

Mid season two or something. So we like kind of skipped over what somebody had told us that we should skip over. Anyways, we got into, this is us and there's this one. Um, one thing that they get right is family. Like they just get relationships, right. Which is really rare on television. And, um, there was this one episode where the daughter and the mom are at odds, which like, you kind of, if you've seen this as us, it goes back from their childhood to present day.

Okay. And so, so she's, married's married, she's my daughter is married, married, and, and this, and you know, they're always going back so you can see, there's always been this conflict between mom and daughter, which is often the case in a lot of relationships. In a lot of families. And so, um, the mom is really trying, she's like really trying to get her daughter back and she's trying to, you know, make up for lost time.

And, and so, um, but the daughter is just. She's kind of like just ultrasensitive because of past hurts, right. From, from childhood and she's with her husband and you, you can tell, like, she's being overly sensitive. Like if you're watching the thing, you're like, wow, just give your mom a break. And especially me as a mom, I'm like, she's trying, she's trying.

So she's give her a break. That's right. And she's just not giving Erin in. She's just like hyper very, very sensitive. And so the mom goes to the husband when, when she walks out with the daughter walks outta the room and she. I'm trying so hard. Like what, what, you know, what am I doing wrong? Am I, I mean, I'm trying so hard.

I'm tell me I'm not doing anything wrong. Tell me I'm not crazy. And he just pauses and he goes, listen. And the daughter's name is Kate. He goes, I'm team Kate mm-hmm I know simple, all that. You know, you guys have some things to work through. I understand that. I, I will say I will agree that she is very sensitive, right?

But I'm not gonna talk, go any further because I'm team Kate, so good. Wow. And it was, I was like, that is so good. Yeah. I love that so much, but I feel like that with you guys, like, oh man. You're team tan. Tassey yeah. You are team Nathan. Yeah. And I just, I think that's rare and I think that it's so like, I think that's where we need to be in a relationships.

We can be. No matter what I'm I'm I'm team Jason. Yeah. And I think that what you just said is, is part of your secret sauce, which is I was wanting that you can get you guys on here, throw a microphone in your face so we can get some of your secret sauce praying together like that. Yeah. Yeah. You know, granted, you know, when, when, when you're young, You're just married and, and, you know, the husband is real busy and he's got his thing and the wife's real busy.

She's got her things or whatever. It might not be 30 minutes. Right. Yeah. But it might be four minutes. Yeah. And consistent get toge. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. It's huge there. You, go's huge. Like, just implement that if you will just start at all. Yes. If you just, or, and, and, you know, we're mourning people that may not suit everybody.

Right. But even if you just decide. There was a season where we're like, we're not gonna go to sleep until we give each other a kiss. Oh, that's good. Like, we're just not gonna do that. Right. That was a time. So what, maybe for someone in the evening it's like, we're better. Well then before you go to bed, like two minutes, grab hands.

Yeah. Just commit to that. Yes. You can always build it later. Two minute kiss. Well, he praise the Lord. You know what I'm saying? We can implement that. She's like, is that God that I dunno, Lord. So long as you wash your beard with panting, provi put some pan provi. I love it. It didn't come back. That's right.

Yeah. Oh man. That's actually not a bad, um, pointer there. Gotta like that one. Yeah. I'd like to rebuke all of you right now. Um, that's great, but I think it's so awesome, Tori, that you you'd say that about us because, and I think we both would say this. I won't speak for you, but, um, I, I would, I would say there was a time we weren't as much.

For one another, it was definitely a time. It was a lot more, you know, fighting face to face than back to back, you know? Yep. And you know, a lot of that was rooted in just, I think what so many couples face is that, well, your, your problem is you're just not like me. And if you would just wise up, you know, learn some things in, in life and become more like me, our, our marriage would be great.

Right. You know, I can fix you. Yeah. Yeah. And just listen, why aren't you not listening? I'm giving all this amazing insight. Yeah. And, and we, we definitely did all of that. You know, we did all of that, you know, and tried to conform one another and took our strengths and pitted them against each other, as opposed to getting back to back and, and realizing man, the gift.

Our whole family, not just me, but our kids have in the skills, talents, natural abilities, the way God wired, TAs Z, we are very different. Like we are, you know, just the way we're wired, almost polar opposite. Like literally you on all the personality tests take into any. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So what are you? I'm a one.

Oh, you're a one I am. Okay. I'm a two. You're a two. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So Nathan, you're the wing. One's, Jason's a one and that's so funny. And in a lot of ways we are like a traditional role reversal. Yeah. In a lot of ways. I'm way more. The emotional mm-hmm tamsey is way more the steady. Okay. Right. Mm-hmm um, I'm I'm way more spontaneous.

TSE is way more let's stick to the plan. Yes. You know? Yep. Um, So in all of that, we had that as a strength, but it was, it was really felt like a challenge for a long time. Right? Of course, you know, mm-hmm um, and I think a lot of people that are listening that may be where they are. They're not realizing, man, the thing that's driving you crazy is often not always, but often a misplaced strength.

You're not realizing it's a strength. Yeah. You're treating it like a liability. Yeah, yeah. You know? Yep. And, and that was us for a long time and the Lord had to help us. Realize the gift we had in each other. Wow. Is there anything specific that pops out any argument or any fight that you guys had that you can share with us?

Because what I wanna do is make sure that everyone who's listening to this who sees a couple, like you guys who are wildly in love at 22 years married, and everybody wants to get there. But they need to know that you started right. Where they are. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? So that's why I love getting into the specifics.

Yeah. I don't know. We've been good. tell us all of it. I forgive and forget Jason. . Wow. Can you just, do you see how easy it it is? This is guys. This how you do it. That's right. It's just unbelievable. I don't know that I would be able to remember a specific either, but you know, well, there's some little. You know, maybe some funny petty things.

Yeah. Like let's do those and that's what they always are. I love, it just seems like cabinet doors, most fights. That's what they are. Oh, oh guys. Cabinet doors. Okay. He leaves them. You leave them alone. You right here have five. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable. And you're one, I know. Isn't that weird. Yeah. And I like, I'll walk in the door from home and I can't help, but see it.

I'm not trying to see it. I can't not see it, you know? Does that makes sense? No. And I'm like, you know, because she's moving on the next thing she's wor she's always a step ahead. Always ahead. Yes and that would be an example of what I could not see, you know? So I'm like that. And you should just close the cabinet.

There's a, there's a title in one of our chapters in our book called push in those drawers. Would you please in Jesus name? You know what I'm saying? That's right. I actually wa in the first we were married for probably two months and I walked in the closet and the drawers were all open and closed hanging over.

And I literal, I don't advise any young man to do this, but I said to, will you come here for just one second? She, no. And I said, I want you to watch how difficult this is. Oh. I put my finger and I pushed the drawer in. Oh. And that was it. That fixed it for me. I was like a never again, wasn't the drawer.

what ministry, what insight and leadership, you know, it's the perfect solution. No, I have done all those and worse at different times. Yeah. Yeah. And again, it's like, okay. I remember the Lord speaking to me about, um, package deals, right? Mm-hmm and like the way the Lord interacts with me is very, you know, unique.

And so he's like, Nathan, everything comes with fries, you know? Okay. That was kind of, and the whole idea being. So you're gonna take all these wonderful things. Yeah. And let this thing yep. Be the thing that sinks the day. Yes. We can't have fun on date night now we can't enjoy each other's company anymore.

Yep. Because you don't always remember to close the Catt. So as an example. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just being honest. There was a time when I'm like, absolutely like we need to fight. I mean, this is a problem. He's a principle, right. It's exactly, you know, it's like for the love of all, that's good in life, you have to.

And the Lord just says, and you know, Hey man, everything is a package deal. And so you're gonna let that, what are you gonna focus on? Yeah. And man, the Lord had to show us how to change our focus. Yes. And realize, okay. Yes. Maybe that's something that could be improved upon and we're picking on you right now.

But, um, I got a million, uh, but if, if it never gets any better. Yeah, yeah. If it never changes. Yeah, man, what I have in the gift of who tamsey is. Is immeasurable. Yes. Right? Yeah. So get over yourself, reframing it. Right. So true. Good. that's so good. So is that how you got past it was reframing it like that? I, I think, I think it's a process, right?

It's definitely a process. Mm-hmm I would not in any way, you know, tell people on the podcast that, yeah, man. So you just make that decision and everything's all good to go. Yeah, that's right. Just add water. Um, it's a constant, it's a, it's a dying to yourself. Mm-hmm yeah, it really is. That's what it is.

It's Ephesians five, you know, like, man, you gotta lay your life down and yeah, it may not go exactly the way you want it. What I have found in my life. And you can certainly speak to this babe in your own way, but man, the more you're willing to lay it down, back off of it, just let the Lord do it. It either becomes less of an issue.

Or then there's this thing where. You just wanna do it for the other person. Yeah. Because they're not nagging you to death, you know? Yes. As opposed to okay, God. Yeah. I'll do it now. You know, mm-hmm so, you know, they've ever said anything about it and I know it's important to them. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe I'll just give it a shot.

So who knows? I feel like that could be helpful. Yes. Yeah. I feel like some of it is choosing what you focus on about your spouse and he, he kind. Hit on this with the reframing that's, but mm-hmm , you know, when you remember somebody mm-hmm and you think about them, like you get to choose. If you're gonna remember the good things about them yes.

Or the bad things about them. Yeah. So which, which are you gonna focus on? And it's the same with the Lord. Like we can, we can focus on all the good things and, and remember who he is. Mm-hmm or we can say. Or, you know, I lost my loved one. And where were you? This and where were you? Yeah, so which side are you gonna F he is good, right, right.

The Lord is good. There's no doubt about that. Mm-hmm . And so if I'll just focus on that and continue to recite. In my mind, that is who he will be to me on a daily basis. Same thing with your spouse. Like, I, I could focus on all the things he does wrong. Mm-hmm and then that's gonna be my opinion of him. He does all these things wrong.

If you could even think of one and that's really the hard part of it, I'm having a hard, it takes a while. Yeah. Difficult. It's except the fact you interrupted her and got her offer point there now. Right. I just was giving as a case example. That's right. Thank you so much. It's my minute. Um, but you get to choose, you know, mm-hmm how am I gonna think about my spouse?

When I think about Nathan, what are the things I'm gonna think about concerning him? Mm. And that those things will become big in my mind. Yes. You know, he's a great father. He's a great leader. He's he loves us so well. He lays his life down for us on a daily basis. So he gets this one thing wrong. Mm-hmm well, that's not the thing.

That's gonna destroy my opinion of him, because my opinion of him is already so high because of the things that. And rehearsing in my mind about him, you know? Wow. I think that is so, so powerful that it starts with your thoughts. Yeah. It's the way that you think about your spouse. That's so, so true.

That's what we have found too. And we talk about that in the book too. Yeah. Um, but I, and I remember when the Lord showed us, this was when. I began to get very negative on one of our kids. Mm-hmm and I began to tell Jason all the bad things. Yeah. And that's what was coming out of her was what I was speaking out.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, oh my goodness. I'm the problem. Mm. I, I, my thoughts are so negative. And so we just, we started to go for walks and say all the good things. It's huge. Yeah. So good. It was so powerful. And right when you said negative, I heard that thunder clap in the background. Yes. Oh yeah.

It was pretty epic. It's powerful. Yeah. Yeah. Just the effort you guys go into putting these podcasts together. Sound effects. It's incredible. You guys are giving us some gems. This is really good. I, I do want to talk real quick about, um, believing in your spouse and the power of believing in your spouse at what point in your relat.

Whichever one, you, you wants to go first, did you? I, I know, I, I love what Tassey said in terms of, of focusing, you know, whatever you decide you're going to concentrate on. Yeah. Mm-hmm and I think what we say in the book is, uh, if, if you don't concentrate the right way, Then you can very easily criticize what you used to think was cute.

that's so true. But if you get the right concentration with what, which is what you were saying, mm-hmm then what you used to criticize you now believe is cute. Mm-hmm yeah. And it's honestly happened. Like I walk, walk into our closet and if those drawers are open, which they typically are, I even got self closed drawers.

That is don't have to push him to a degree, still have to, I'm not joking. Only the holy spirit can bring transformation where I walk in that closet. And I think it's cute. So I've just taken on myself as to be the all time drawer pusher in her. I love it. Now I'm still gonna push him in. Absolutely. I'm just not gonna think negatively of her.

Yeah. When I do it. Yeah. That is jaggy. He's assumed that role. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And why is that so bad? Yeah, right. Exactly. And for a long time, it was right for, it was so bad for so long, but then. Now, why am I upset about this? Yeah, right? Yes. Like whatever mm-hmm but you guys believe in. Amen. You guys believe in each other.

And, and even when we were having lunch together and we were talking about your thing and Tassey was like, yeah, Nathan, he's so good at this. When he was talking about doing your podcast, what's the name of your podcast? The best view in town? The best view in town. Yeah. Okay. I wanna be on that podcast. Oh, you're going to be it's already.

Oh, no. You've already been invited. So reinvited already yes, yes. Best view in town. And then tamsey she chimed in and said, and he's so good at it. And you were bragging on her about the stuff that she's doing with personal training and doing Reebok sponsored is unreal, but being able to believe. In each other like that.

Can we talk to that topic real quick? About how powerful that is? Sure. Let's do it. She's waiting for you today to talk. Do you feel like that's something that has come natural for you guys? Or is it something that like, was there kind of a moment where, where you, well, I guess what you're think when you're thinking changed?

Yeah. It naturally follows your belief system. I, I genuinely believe he's so good at so many things, you know, like it's not hard for me to believe in him because he is so talented. He's such a. Speaker and you guys have a test to yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's a great teacher and a great musician. And like, he's the one with the five talents, you know, like um, and so it's not hard for me to believe in him and I feel like it's part of my calling.

Like, I feel like the Lord has called me to be. In his corner, reminding him, Hey, don't let these things go to waste. Like you you've got so much to offer. That's good. So please write the songs, play the music, go away on a writing retreat, like do the podcast. Wow. He's so good at the podcast, you know, so I feel like.

I feel like if I, if I wasn't for him, I wouldn't be honoring the Lord. You know? Like I feel like it's, God's call in my life wow. To be in his corner and fighting for him. And that's good. So good. Building him up with my words, which is not a natural thing for me. It's not one of my tendencies with. Words of encouragement, which is one of his top love languages, but it's something that I'm, I'm growing at and, and like really deciding to, to be, um, I don't know, grow intentional.

Yeah. Intentional to, to grow in. So, oh, I love that, man. First of all, I mean, how, how incredible is to hear these things? I mean, just thank you. Yeah. It means the world to me. Yeah. Um, but you. I think some of it, for those that are listening that may, this may be helpful. It, it really starts with, what do you believe about yourself?

That's exactly what I was just thinking. I mean, if you have a distorted view of who you are. Yes. And I think both of us did, right? Oh yeah. When we first got married and we're still, I mean, and at 20. We're really young, trying to sort some things, but mm-hmm, really, you could be in your fifties and still not know who you are.

Yeah. So it's not really an age. Mm-hmm, , uh, it's a revelation from the Lord and it's a believing what God says about you and just saying amen to it. Yes. Um, but you know, I think for a long time, um, I, I can, I'm a, I'm a big personality. I, I like attention, you know, all that kind of stuff. Tassey was so encouraging towards me in a lot of those things.

But then she, and I'll, you can correct me. Didn't necessarily see a lot of the value in herself and what she was good at. So then when I would wanna try to encourage her, it's like, she didn't believe me. Yep. You know, like it would go into this bucket that had no bottom and it would just fall through and I'm like, no, you're great.

And she just, I mean, she was our valedictorian. She's so smart. Right. She had these full ride scholarships all over the place. She's incredibly fit, but there was, she just didn't fully see all that in herself at that time. Mm. Yeah. So that was hard for me to encourage, I wanted to. Yeah. Um, but then. As you can tell super needy.

And so like she, you know, sometimes. Because maybe words of affirmation, wasn't her natural thing. Yeah. She wasn't able to offer it a whole lot. And so then, instead of thinking of the one time she did encourage me, all I could think of when she didn't is all that she hadn't done, which then when you don't already feel good at something yeah.

Being criticized just makes you retreat, you know, into your shell even more. So we definitely navigated those things. Yes. Yep. Um, but as the Lord gave us more of a piece about who we are in God, Then man, I, that, that was a huge. I mean, that was a process, obviously. Yeah. But that really changed the game for us and being able to be for one another.

Yep. Cause like she said, maybe words of affirmation, wasn't a natural skillset for it. It is for me, but I grew up in Disney world. Yeah. I mean my parents, I mean to this day, if I come home, my dad's like, come here, boy. You know? Yes. You know, I'm like, I've been taller than you since the seventh grade, you know?

But I still, it's very affectionate. It's very affirming. Yeah. That's what I grew up in. Yeah. And so, you know, I had the picture of buddy the elf. It was very much that oh, so much that I've never even thought of. That is, that is my life. That is such buddy. The elf. Oh man, buddy. Yeah. So I bottom line, I just think it could be until you have that piece inside yourself and you really know that God is for you.

Yes. It's hard for you to be for somebody else cuz you feel like you're working in a deficit, you know? Yes. Wow. And as the Lord helped solidify our identity in him, it gave us the freedom to say. okay. You need me to be a little more organized and not so, and instead of me seeing that as a challenge against my character, how about I just see that's one more tool I can add to my tool belt.

And it would mean something to her. Mm-hmm wow. Well, then that's good. Yeah. It's not you attacking me and you hate that. I'm so spontaneous. No, I love that about you and I need these things. Mm. And when you, when you don't have peace in yourself, everything's an assault on your character. Yes mm-hmm. so you just get defensive.

Yeah. Yep. You know, so true. Yeah. We, we say in our book before oneness there's twoness mm-hmm that's it twoness means you have to be too individual. Who know who you are. Mm-hmm you understand your identity, you know who you are in Christ, so then you can come together and have true oneness. Yeah, that's it.

Tamsey I wanna turn this back to you. Okay. Um, young mom with young kids. I'm sure that probably played into the fact that you had a hard time feeling, you know, like you had self-worth on, in, in your own self. Maybe, maybe you forgot who you were. I know Tori went through that. Yeah. Where moms, you know, they end up having babies and the next thing you know, you're not working out like you want to, and right.

You got kids all over you and you kind of forget who you are. Yeah. You just don't feel good at anything. . Yeah. How did you make it through that? And did Nathan do anything to help you and, and how did you guys make sure that your relationship made it through that, that tough period? Yeah. That, that was a tough few years, but you know, it's so short.

Yes. Yeah. You think it's never gonna end mm-hmm and then all of a sudden they're adults, you know, . Yeah, exactly. And so, um, it is very, very short. So if, if moms could kind of put that in perspective, like this is gonna be over so soon, you know, mm-hmm and not, not in a, oh, thank God. It'll be over soon, but. Oh, my gosh.

You're gonna long for these days. Yeah. Yeah. And you will so true and you will. That's true. Yeah. Um, I, I remember when my oldest was in ninth grade, it hit me, like I got four more years, right. Yeah. And she's an adult. Right. So our, like our, our arguments really almost went away at that point. Yeah. Because I was like, I'm not gonna spend my time fighting with her anymore.

And. All that to say, like, just keep it in perspective. Like yes, you are called to so, so much. Mm-hmm , but in, in that space of time, when your kids are little, you're not gonna get that time back. So invest as much as you can in them be famous to them. Yes. You know, like be significant to them. Yes. Um, because they're gonna go conquer the world and once they're out, then, then it'll be your, your time, you know?

Yes. Yep. And all that investment in them. I just feel like the Lord just dumps it right back out. Wow. On you, you know, that's what happened with me. I mean, I felt like I stayed home with our kids until, um, my youngest was three, so it's been about 10 years. I've been working outside the home. um, and it just happened like, boom.

Yeah. Like so fast. I was at home with them, you know, just serving them, working hard, crying, you know, some, yeah. Going for runs for my sanity. Like I would go run and just get out and go breathe air just to be sane. And he was very helpful in that. I mean, he would watch the kids. Yeah. So that I could go do that.

In that time period. It was just a lot of investment in the kids, in the home and the family. And then once my youngest daughter turned three, it was like the Lord through open the doors of opportunity for me to walk out my dream. Wow. Of becoming a fitness instructor and a personal trainer. Wow. And just being a fitness professional, which I had wanted to do since I was in, you know, my early twenties.

Wow. And so, um, so yeah, it's like, it's an investment period. Mm. And you will reap what you sew. Yes. You. Um, so that is that's so true. So good. Yeah. And can I just jump in and speak to the, the husbands in that scenario because in that season and I get it, the privilege you guys do as well, talking with a lot of young couples, I get that same privilege and like clockwork and I experience this myself.

In this season, young husbands can feel forgotten mm-hmm and, and get resentful. Mm-hmm , you know, resent their wives, resent their kids, even because all of a sudden I went from having her full-time attention. Right. Yeah. And I am needy as we've established. Right. So, you know, And now it's divided. And then with every child, it was divided even more.

Right. And unless you reframe and realize what we're doing and the beauty of what we're doing. Yeah. And it's us, it is we, it is us doing it. Yes. It's not. She's gotta raise the kids. It's us. We are creating a family. Mm-hmm um, when we realize that and you're able to talk about it and say, Hey, I wanna do everything I can.

To make sure you have everything you need with the kids, but I also need some attention and time. What can I do to be part of that solution? Yeah. As opposed to, and I didn't always get this right. So don't even pretend to think that that's, instead of wagging my finger and say, Hey, you better step up. You know, because I'm over.

I just think it's so important for young. That's so good families. Hey guys, you're gonna feel things did change. That's right. Don't be surprised it did change. Yeah. But you can be part of that and be proactive in helping or you can wh yes. And I, and I wh a lot. Yeah. yeah, this is what I want. How can I help us get this?

How can I help us accomplish this? That's so good. That's really powerful that, that you, you actually said something that I think young men should definitely understand, like, okay honey, I would like to get to this point. Yeah. What can I do? Yes. To help us get there. And she, if she's smart, if you're a young mom listening to this, tell him, vacuum the house.

Yeah. Once a week, tell him yeah. And what Tori and I have discover. Is that you can use sex as a reward. Amen. you can, there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, I think I, I always thought that would be so manipulative. You're just always supposed to be available for your spouse. But then we, we went to, I think we did like a, a video series.

Yeah. Couple years into marriage. And he was like, Women use that as a reward system. I'm like, okay. Oh my gosh. like, God put that in a man. Right. Right. You know, so why there's a purpose for that? So it'll be like, you know, I'd like to be with you too, but I need you to help me with this, this and this. I've had kids all over me all day long.

Yeah. I've been spit up on I've, you know, let me clean up, clean off this dish. Give me three, a three hour break. Right? Do the dishes, uh, vacuum the floor. And can you bathe the kids and get 'em ready for bed? And if you're able to do all of that, come see me. That's right's so good. G for you. Yes. But I don't have the energy to just keep going, do everything.

And then just somehow miraculously have my mind in that place. Right, right. Don't we put way too much expectation on ourselves, on our spouses. It's impossible. Yep. So man, that that's, that's brilliant. And, and too, I, I don't wanna go past what tamsey said, which might be, have been the most powerful thing I've heard in a long, long time in terms of parenting.

Mm. Be famous to your kids. I love that. Do you know how many people are trying to be insta-famous oh yeah. And they're, they're literally leaving their kids in the dust in order for them to go out and get their followers or whatever. Yeah. It's so true. And they're putting likes above those little lives that are in their house.

Mm-hmm . It is killing me just to watch it. Yeah. So I don't want anybody to forget that. So we need to bring you guys back and do something on parenting. Okay. yes, that was, cause that was really good. Mm-hmm okay. Nathan, you're a pastor mm-hmm so I know you've always got like a Bible story, Bible verse or something in terms of a, something that, that you, that you share with couples or anything in terms of your marriage counseling that you would say if a couple sitting in front of you and they say, okay, pastor Nathan, What's your one piece of advice that you would give as a pastor, to us as a married couple.

Yeah. It's very, very simple. Jesus is our example. He laid his life down. Yes. A lot of us are trying to maximize our potential. We're trying to get everything out of everything we have. There is a time and place. There's beauty in that mm-hmm . I gotta lay my life down. That's good. Some, some people, and it could be the husband.

It could be the wife. You may have to put that dream on hold for a little bit. Mm. To demonstrate priority to your family. Mm-hmm you may I've had opportunities and not that I've done this. Perfect. And I don't think tamsey would say she has either. I've had opportunities to pursue things that would really like light me on fire.

Mm-hmm from a ambition standpoint. , but it would've undercut what we were trying to accomplish in our family. Wow. And so you've got it's the gospel is he laid his life down. Yep. So don't be surprised. Don't be shocked that to do this well, you're going to have to lay your life down. Yeah. Yeah. And you have to serve one another, you know, Ephesians is five.

Paul says, he says to the husbands, which I always thought was brilliant. Love your wives as you love your own body. Okay. He didn't say that to the women, which I thought was interesting. Right. Because I can't figure women out. They're stunning. Right. You ladies are stunning, but then TA can walk by the mirror and be like, oh, I hate this.

About what you, right. Yeah. I mean, I I'm I'm. Chunky, you know, I'm huggy. That's what I like to say. I'm huggy, there's hair growing in places it's not supposed to grow. And, and you still walk by the mirror and be like, oh yeah, you know what I'm saying? It's just the Lord knows. So we're supposed to lay our lives down and love each other as we love ourselves.

And that's why encouragement. And man, you guys are helping so many people. Have these rallies through the book, through the podcast, just through living your life. Thank you for doing it. You're welcome. Thank you for caring to offer it and not disqualifying what you have to offer it. It matters. It's big.

It's awesome. So we gotta layer lives down toward. Thank you. I'm gonna need you to start laying your life down. that's that's you go first and then that's right. You go first that ladies, ladies first. That's right. We wanna be respectful. That's right. Did you need, have anything else you wanted to share?

Either one of you before we, we break this Tasie you I'll just tag onto what he said and say, um, humility. Mm-hmm is so key. There were a few years ago. I feel like the Lord just showed me if you can be humble. Yeah. You can do anything. Yeah. You know, like he, humility is the key to this fate that we're living out.

That is good. Wow. It's the key to relationships. Honestly, your relationship with your spouse, with your kids just be humble. Wow. Like do not think more highly of yourself than you ought, you know, again, and that's, it's the whole thing of lay your life down. Mm-hmm , you know, um, make the other person, the most important person, like even more important than yourself.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You know, you know what I love, um, Dr. John Gottman wrote this book called the seven principles that make marriage work. And this guy's like the foremost leading, uh, marriage psychologist in the world. Mm-hmm has been studying marriages for over 50 years. Like he would literally put people in a, in like a, a research.

Lab that was a setup as a living room and just make them live there for a week. Oh my gosh. And they'd have, they'd be micd up, they'd be cameras and everything, you know, just, you know, during the daylight hours. Yeah. And, uh, and he just watched them and he watched him interact and he did that with like thousands of couples.

And one of the things that he talks about is the, the proper responding to bids. So he said, as couples, we make bids on a consistent basis and a bid could be something like, you know, I put on this new shirt and I'm like, Hey, tore, what do you think about this? Well, that's a small bid. Mm-hmm now how she responds to that is very important.

Mm-hmm right. She doesn't have to lie and say, oh, it looks great. She can say, it's not my favorite shirt, but man, it looks good on you. You know, whatever it is. Or if, if, uh, I pass her in the kitchen and I reach my hand out and kind of put it around her waist or whatever now, how she responds to that. What Dr.

John Gottman found was all couples make bid. All husbands make bids and all wives make bids. He said the couples that make it and that are the most happy and fulfilled are the ones who respond to the bids favorably. Wow. Wow. So now I say that to say this. I have watched you two this whole time. Mm-hmm and Nathan, I've seen you talk and put your hand over to Tasy and she responds to it and grabs your hand and then Tassy, I've seen you talking and you probably did it subconsciously.

Yeah. Mm-hmm where you reach over and you start talking to Nathan and NA Nathan then grabs your hands and you guys are just constantly what's happening right there. Subconsciously you're making bids to each other. Wow. And you responding to those bids in a very powerful way. Wow. And I want to encourage couples that listen to this.

Don't be scared to make a bid to your spouse. It's awesome. It's very. To share your, your deepest fears and concerns and that type of thing. Do you know though it takes another level of intimacy to share your deepest desires, so true. Yeah. Like, and to show it. To be like, honey, I just need a hug come here.

Right? Yeah. Like, who else are you gonna say that to? Right. Right. You know, one of your kids obviously, but, but then what if she's like, I'm a little busy right now. I can't really do that. You know? And we think, no, she'd never say that, but in terms of me reaching my hand out and what if, what if Tori turned it away?

Or what if she's feeling too busy or what if in that moment she's not real happy and, and she doesn't wanna hold my hand. Mm-hmm well then how would I take that? Mm-hmm Dr. John Gottman says, if you do that long enough, your marriage will break. Wow. So the whole bid thing is really good. I love that because it feels like rejection and it's very, sometimes very, very subconscious and people don't even realize, but before long they're living in this.

This rejected state. Yeah. And if you're like Nathan, you're making bids all the time. Right. That's what I did. He's the needy. He's the needy partner. Hey, you better believe it all the time. all the time. The time. Yeah. Okay. We're gonna close with. Would you, would you rather, would you rather, we gotta ask, we're asking you.

Oh, okay. Would you rather swallow a handful of live worms? Oh. Or sleep on a fire ant? For a night. Oh my God. Oh, that's easy. I feel like, give me the worms worms it's over faster. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, could you even imagine sleeping on fire a cause that is, oh, that's that's torture's I was wanting them to give them our standard, the one that we give to everybody so, which one's that?

Would you rather have fish eyes or hot dog fingers? fish eyes or hot dog fingers. I really that's very, oh, it says a lot about you. How you answer this. It says everything. I just kidding. Gimme fish eyes. Gimme the fish eyes. I'm go on fishies. It's very potent. I, no idea. I can't even imagine either one. I feel like it would be better to have.

Fingers that you can like hide, put in your pocket, your pockets, these eyes, that everybody right there on. I play guitar though. Oh, and so just you can't hot dogs. You can't. Yeah. That's a problem. Come on, put gloves on. That's not right. That's a real problem. Yeah, that's an issue. I don't know. The, the fun of this is watching you guys have to try to think through it.

I know Tassie's sitting here, like the deepest thought. Yeah. this is us. That's true. Yeah. Tomorrow she'll call you and be like, you know, I was really thinking about it. She's so great of making the wrong decisions. Oh my gosh. Cause I'm a one, cause she's a one I'm with you. Okay. So tamsey is bowing out.

she's not gonna answer it. All right. Thanks for hanging out with us. Hey guys, you guys so much this, you guys are this, so. Thank you. You guys are awesome. Thanks so much for having us. This has really been a delight this F fantastic. And, uh, for those of you listening, don't forget to rate review, subscribe.

Hey, listen, share out this podcast with Nathan and tamsey anytime we have guests, it's always an awesome opportunity for, to, and I to hear a different perspective. And we always want you guys to share out when, when our guests come in so that other of your friends can, can learn and benefit and grow. Uh, where can we find you guys by the way?

Is it your podcast? Yeah, it is. We, and TA's been on there recently, so that, that would be a great episode for you guys to check out, but yeah, the best view in or Nathan Wesley that's I've got this. Perfect. Yep. And when are you gonna start your podcast together? You've been talking about that CBA yeah, yeah.

Be now we'll be, we'll be waiting for it. All right. Hey, we love you guys. Yeah, you as well. Thank guys. Thank you guys. All right, we'll talk to you guys next week. Bye.