Is Your Victim Mindset Cockblocking Your Dreams? How to Take Back Control of Your Life

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’ve come from, you have the power to turn your mess into magic and create a life you love.

In todays episode, I’m diving into one of the biggest dream-killers I see time and time again - the victim mindset, and how it might be quietly keeping you stuck, small, and disconnected from the life you actually want.

I share parts of my own story, growing up in an environment where so much felt out of my control, and the shift that changed everything for me: learning how to move from being a victim of your past to becoming the creator of your future.

We explore the difference between being a victim and living in victimhood, why blame keeps you stuck and how to take your power back without dismissing your experiences.

Inside this episode, I walk you through three powerful shifts that will help you break free and start creating real change:

✨ Radical Responsibility – taking back control of your life, your choices and your future

✨ Self-Compassion – letting go of shame, guilt, and “wasted time” so you can actually move forward

✨ Aligned Action – the simple, practical way to build momentum (without needing the whole plan figured out)

If you’ve ever felt stuck in your past… frustrated with where you are… or like something is blocking you from stepping into your next level, this episode will hit.

Because your past may have shaped you…

But it does not have to define you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Hello, welcome back to Mindset, Mess and Magic. I'm your host, Hayley Scott Summers, and as always, I am so happy that you're with me. So, oh my goodness, I think spring is arriving, guys. I don't want to like call it and then be like, oh, here comes the rain. But fuck it, the skies are blue, there is blossom on the trees. Doesn't just everything feel a bit better when winter is kind of like done? It's so funny because when winter rolls around, I'm like so ready for it. I'm like, yes, let's batten down the hatches, let's get the cardigans on, let's tell the world to fuck off and just stay inside. That's true. Is anyone else like that? Or is it just me being like mega antisocial? I just feel like hibernation. I'm so ready for it by the time winter rolls around. Maybe I should have been a bear. Anyway, I'm ready to come out of hibernation. So I was in London last week for an incredible event that was hosted by Female Invest. And I know that I've mentioned it a little bit on here, not in like huge amounts of detail, but one of my goals for this year was to become really financially literate, which you'd sort of think as someone who's owned businesses for like almost 15 years, that that should be the case. Alas, alack, it is not. I've always been a very creative soul, and that has just always been expressed through business. But actually learning about the world of finance and investing and the stock market and all that sort of stuff is very new and very different. And I found it really enjoyable. And anyway, so I went to this event in London last week that was put on by Female Invest and it was absolutely phenomenal. I think it was in spirit of International Women's Day, although ironically it was hosted on World Book Day, and of course I came away with a ton of books. We've all got dreams, right? And one of mine is absolutely to have a library that is like, you know, in Beauty and the Beast, where bells like going around and there's like the ladder on wheels. Not that I think I should ever be allowed on a ladder that has wheels, to be completely honest, but that library is like my dream. So my house is like full of books, and one day I will have a beautiful in-home library. Anyway, I digress. So this event hosted by Female Invest was really, really amazing. It just had loads of great speakers, including Stephanie Sword Williams. And oh my goodness, I'm at the moment, I'm like diving into one of the books that I bought was hers at this event, and it's called Fuck Being Humble. And it's so, so fucking good. I'm I'm literally like probably like a fifth of the way through the book, but it's just it's so readable and it's so easy to digest, and it makes just so many incredible points about why it is essential if you're a business owner or just you know, anyone in life, to be quite honest, how important it is to be able to promote yourself and advertise yourself and you know, not only that, like know who you are and how to show up. So phenomenal book that I 10 out of 10 recommend that anybody and everybody should actually read, because I think there's so many valuable points in there, like I said, whether you're a business owner or not. And I got to connect with so many other like-minded souls as well, including including another woman who has a podcast, and there was alcohol free brosacco flowing, which is definitely my bag. Along with just like a wealth of like no pun intended, along with just like a wealth of really important information and mindset tweaks when it comes to finances and things. I don't know when their next event is, but if this is something that you're curious about, I highly recommend going to check out a female invest over on Instagram. Um, I joined up their membership earlier in the year because I knew that I was gonna get into the stock market and I felt like that would be a good place to like learn some stuff. So I did join their membership, and that has been really invaluable as well. This isn't like a paid-for sponsorship, by the way. This is just me sharing because sharing is caring, and I love sharing the things that I'm doing on my journey, and that is a big one for me right now. Growing my mindset financially has had such a massive impact, and taking control of like my my money mindset and finances has been really empowering for me. And I think the reason why I love sharing about things like this is because, like, my my bag, the thing that I work with a lot is limiting beliefs, self-belief, you know, growth mindset, all of these things, and then lots of other things that sort of come into the remit as being a business owner and an entrepreneur of like 15 years. So, money mindset is very different, it's very, very different, and it's very new to myself. But one of the reasons why I've been enjoying it so, so much is because when I grew up, like financial stuff was just not spoken about at all. Like we didn't have any money growing up. There was definitely seasons of my life that I remember we were quite visibly poor. Like I remember one house that we were living in, we we like there was like no carpet on the floor, but it wasn't like hardwood flooring, like nice, like we I have now. It was like there should have been carpet there, and instead it was like where the carpet had been ripped up and it was just like the floor. And I specifically remember my mother getting a piece of carpet and like cutting it up into like squares so that we could get from like the the actual staircase to like the front room, whatever it room it was that it led into. And it would almost be playing like the hot lava game, like the floor is lava. So we would be like on the squares so that we didn't walk with our feet onto whatever the hard surface was where there was supposed to be carpet or lino or laminar or whatever. And so I remember a lot of things like that from my childhood of just not having any money, but also alongside that there were so many different things that would come up. So, you know, growing up in a patriarchal organization that was, you know, I say masquerading as a religion, and or I don't know, maybe a lot of religions do that to be honest. It was effectively like a fucking cult. And, you know, like so many religions, it was really hammered into you that money is the root of all evil. Money was very much left down to the head of the household. It was not a woman's job, it was a man's job to look after the finances. Women were really kept out of the conversation when it comes to finances and the goal to achieve to aspire to have more finances, no. Like I said, money was the root of all evil. So, you know, for myself growing up, and you know, I've worked through a lot of my limiting beliefs and my um my mindset around so many different things. And despite the fact that I've been a business owner for a really long time in multiple different industries, I've never really done any work around my money mindset. And it has been so empowering to do this work, which is why I'm sharing it with you, despite the fact that this is not what today's episode is about at all. I'm sharing that because I think that anything that can help you along your journey, or rather, should I say, anything that has been helping me on my journey, even if I'm still in the middle of learning it, I'm gonna share what I've learned so far with you. Because you just don't know if that's something you're going, oh my god, I've never thought about that before, or I didn't realize that was impacting my mindset around X, Y, and Z. Or, you know, a lot of the time you find with business owners as well is that their mindset has is so solid around so many other things and they're just not achieving the things that they want to achieve. And then when they sort of like dive into it a bit more with a specialist, they find out they've got like money blocks and things like that. So I'm just sharing with you what I'm learning as I go. And the reason why this has been so empowering for me is because I just like I said, I came from a space where that wasn't something that women have autonomy over, their finances, their money, and you know, to aspire to have more is seen as like such a bad thing. But when we're talking about money, we're not just talking about money for the sake of money, right? We're talking about the experiences and the opportunities that it can provide you and your family. And, you know, and even if you don't want any more money for you or your family, having more money, which is just a resource, you can put it to anything else that you want to create in life, whether it's to do with business or charitable organizations that really mean something to you. There's only so much time that you have, right? So if you can generate more resources, aka money in different areas of your life that you can then donate to organizations that mean something to you, how is that bad? How is that the root of all evil, right? So doing work around money is just another way to empower yourself on your journey in life, whether you are a business owner or not. And because I am not an expert on such things and I'm just sharing some things as I go along, there are some accounts I definitely recommend checking out over on Instagram. So I shared these on a post that I did after I left the event, and I'm just dropping them here as well, in case you didn't catch the post. So her first 100k, Tori Dunlop, I think is fucking amazing. I she's got a podcast as well called Her First 100K. And she says something a lot that I adore. She says, the patriarchy's worst nightmare, an uncontrollable woman. When you have financial freedom, no one can control you again. Fuck, I love this. I love this so, so, so much. So, again, this is why I'm sharing the financial stuff with you, okay? Because it's so important if you want to have that autonomy, if you want to have that control in your life, finances is a part of it, okay? So her first 100k, Tori Dunlop, a female invest that I've already mentioned, um, definitely check out their website. They've got an app as well and a membership. Your Rich BFF, Vivian2. Her book just I had it pre-ordered for like two months. It just landed through the door on World Book Day, ironically, amazingly. And Cleo Ned, she's a personal wealth strategist for women specifically. So love her stuff. And Rebecca Femia. So definitely check those guys out on Instagram. Very, very useful. I've been finding them very inspiring and helping me in my own journey. And in case anyone's wondering, because I've mentioned it a few times about learning about finance, this, that, and the other, I now have a portfolio. I now have a diverse stock market portfolio. How grown up is that, right? I tell you what, there's many things that I have been in my life and many things that I aspire to be. And someone who is educated in the stock market was not ever one of them. Like, I did not have that on my bingo card, but I'm so glad that I have. And uh, it's really interesting, actually, when you learn about all the jargon and what it means, and when you strip it all down, it's actually not that complicated. Like, math is not my bag, numbers are not my thing, and I've managed to be able to learn about this stuff. So if anyone is out there listening now and they're looking to make some really empowering, bold changes in their life this year, educating yourself in finances and learning about all these things and investing your money and not just saving it is a great way to do that. Again, I'm not the expert. That is why I have shared all of the experts with you previously, and I'm gonna drop them in the show notes below for you as well. Right. Now that I've got that out of my system, I so clearly had to share that with you. Let's dive into today's episode. So, today's episode is all about a victim mindset and whether or not it is cock blocking you from your dreams. You heard. Is your victim mindset cock blocking you from your dreams? There are so many different things that are gonna bring you closer to the goals and dreams and ambitions that you have. But I really want to talk and focus on today one of the things that kills dreams faster than any lack of anything, you know, like money or resources or time. Like having a victim mindset is gonna kill your dreams, your ideas, your ambitions, your creativity faster than all of those other things combined. Absolutely. And here's why. When you place yourself in a situation in which you're gonna sit and stew and fester in blame and like helplessness, you cannot create. You can't draw to you anything that is on a higher frequency than the frequency in which you are currently sitting in. And if you're sitting in victimhood, it's a really low vibe. Like you're just gonna see more and more things and reasons as to why you can't have or be or do the thing that you want to do and have and be. So we're really looking at like blame. Blame is like such a huge contributing factor when it comes to this sort of thing. And I feel like it's so important to clarify that everybody's journey is different, everybody's growth happens at a different pace. You can have been a victim and not live in victimhood. I think it's very important to distinguish the two things. Um, this is not about other people not having accountability for their actions. This is just about taking control of your life and where you are and the things that you want and ensuring that nobody else takes anything else from you. So if you felt like you previously have been a victim of any kind, you will likely have felt like something has been taken away from you somehow, somewhere. So, you know, one of the one of the closest examples I can give to you is that for a really long time, I believed and I felt, and if I'm honest, I still do feel, I just don't feed it, that the religion that I grew up in as a Jehovah's Witness stole my childhood. That's absolutely how I've perceived that experience, how I feel about that experience is that my childhood was stolen. And I believe that my childhood was stolen because I didn't get to experience like the freedom and the freeness of being young, of being a child. Like I don't ever remember feeling like I was a child, which I know might sound like a really odd thing to say, but it's something that I only came to realize in like maybe like the past 10 years. I just never felt like a kid. Because, you know, I grew up in an environment where everyone was talking about the world ending, Armageddon was coming. They were always talking about all the bad things that people outside of the organization did. So if you were outside of the organization, you were worldly, you were, you know, participating in, you know, drink and drugs and sex and rock and roll and all of these things, and that everyone outside was doing bad things and you know were thieves and liars and all this sort of stuff. So a lot of scaremongering sort of was instilled into me from a very young age about what the world was like. That already kind of like takes away a lot of your, you know, your innocence, your curiosity, your your childlike sort of demeanor. The other thing is that like I didn't have, you know, a lot of experiences as a child that were that you would say would make up like core childhood memories. So we weren't allowed to celebrate Christmas or birthdays or Easter or any of these sorts of things. We didn't have anything like that. Not it's not the be all and end all, is it? There's people going through so much worse in life. So I'm not sitting here going, oh boo-hoo, I never had Christmas. But as a child, that's kind of a big thing, right? So for a long time, I've always looked back on that, you know, along with lots of other things that we moved house a lot. I was constantly the new girl at school and all these different things that were connected to the religion, I always felt like my childhood was stolen from me. And it caused in me a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, a lot of feeling sorry for myself, dare I say. Let's just be fucking honest here, okay? It used to make me feel sorry for myself. I was like, I'd never got to be a kid. Now, whilst I still believe that that organization stole my childhood, but and the reason why I say that it's okay to still feel that way is that you can understand intellectually or conceptually something that happened to you and still remove an emotion from it. So whilst I believe that that organization did steal my childhood, I no longer sit in blame for that. Like I can own that and still now be in control of my life and what it looks like going forward. It's also really important to me as someone who wants to work to help other women and children who've grown up the way that I did, to not like kind of like gaslight myself and to be like, you know, like the toxic positivity to just say, well, they didn't really steal your childhood. And like that was the way that it was, and that is okay. I've done the work around that. What I will not allow is for that organization or or anyone else to take away my present or my future. And that is why practicing radical responsibility is so important. So you can have been a victim of something, you can feel like something has been taken away from you without like sitting in victimhood and be able to kind of like remove yourself from the emotions of that that would keep you fixed in that headspace. Because that's not what we want. I don't want that for myself, and I don't want that for you or for anyone else either. When we lean into blame and whether that's like your boss, your childhood, you know, a shitty ex or lack of anything like time or money or skills, if you are in a place where you are blaming other people or other things for not having the things that you want or the life that you want, or for things to not be the way that you thought that they would be, if you're just gonna blame, you are sitting in victimhood. And I know that that might feel uncomfortable, and there is sometimes a response, and I know that I would have had this response in like my very early 20s if somebody had said to me, Oh, but you know, you can't blame your parents, or you can't blame your childhood, or you can't, you know, it would have got my backup, right? I would have been because I wouldn't have been in a space in which I could have received that. So I understand it, but what we're talking about today is how we don't allow the victim mindset to like block us from our dreams. Now there's so many different ways that we can approach this. I'm gonna share a quote, and I say it's a quote, I'm gonna remember it as best as I can because I saw it on I think it was the Tony Robbins documentary, um, I am not your guru. And I think it really fundamentally shifted how I perceived a lot to do with my own childhood. Because I remember him saying to somebody in the audience, like, if you're gonna blame your parents, and you can insert whatever it is that you want around here, if you're gonna blame your parents, you better blame them for everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of the like the positive things that you have in your life now, you have to blame them for that too. That like, I feel like that changed my brain chemistry because I remember hearing that and being like, damn, I have to, if I'm gonna blame those people for all the shitty things that they did, you know, and all of the things that they weren't that I wanted them to be or anything like that, like I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have created the things that I have created. I wouldn't be the same parent that I am. So if you're gonna blame them, you kind of have to blame them for everything, right? You can't just blame them for the shit stuff. And I thought there was something really, really powerful in that. Now, I'm not saying you have to be like, oh my god, thank you so much for my trauma. Like, I am the person I am today because of it. Like, you don't have to be like that. I get it. But also you have to remember that when you're keeping yourself in a victim mindset and if you're just blaming the other people for things, that energy, that frequency, if you've been through something, you've already been through enough. Like, don't keep yourself in that space. You have already been through enough. Give yourself the permission to not sit in victimhood because then it just takes more from you than already has been taken. So, where do we begin? My biggest advice to anybody, and this is something that I do for myself with like so much of my my life and my businesses, is radical responsibility. This is fundamental. This is like if you're gonna shift yourself out of victimhood, out of having a victim mindset, out of feeling sorry for yourself, out of blaming other people and other things, you have to take radical responsibility. It is the first step and it is non-negotiable. What does this look like? This is like asking myself, what can I control? What can I create? What can I let go of? What can I embrace into my life? What can I take responsibility for? Now, just to be very clear, this isn't about taking responsibility for other people's shitty behavior or actions or anything. This is about saying, I am responsible right here, right now, in this moment, and going forward for the rest of my life, I am responsible for my love, my joy, my success. Now, if I am solely responsible for my love, my joy, my success, what can I control right now? What can I create now going forward? And like, what can I let go of? And what can I bring into my life? Those are some of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself if you are looking to step out of victimhood, if you are looking to cultivate a mindset that is gonna really sort of like help you lean into creating the life you want and stop you from like blocking all of the things that you do want to create and achieve because blame is not gonna get you any further. It's just gonna feel really gross, it's gonna feel heavy, it's gonna feel low vibe, and it is not gonna be in alignment with creating anything that you want to create in life going forward. So radical responsibility is like it's non negotiable as far as I'm concerned. You have to take responsibility for yourself and where you are right now and where you want to go. Because, like, nobody's gonna come and save you. And it doesn't matter how sorry for yourself that you feel, or and I'm and I'm really I Apologize if it sounds really harsh. So it's please know it's coming from a place of love. But this is the truth, right? It doesn't matter how sorry you feel for yourself or how bad it was, or you know, any of the things, like nobody is coming to save you. You are the person who has to save yourself. You are the only person who has the power to transform your life, to take action towards the things that you want. You're the only person that can do that. So the only way that you can tap into that power is by taking radical responsibility. The next thing that I would say is so important to do on this journey is to exercise some self-compassion. Like if you're sitting here thinking, fuck, I've spent the past five years or 10 years or 15 years or, you know, however long, like feeling like sorry for myself or being in a victimhood mindset and I've wasted so much time. Like, just let it go. Just let it go. It's not gonna serve you going forward. It's only going to make you feel more sorry for yourself, which is not gonna be in alignment with the things that you need to do now to create something different for yourself. Like, treat yourself with the same, it's it's so cheesy, it's so cliche, right? But treat yourself with the same level of care and love and concern and support and compassion that you would if it was a friend coming to you saying how they feel and what they want to do now. If your best mate came to you and said, I can't believe the past five years I've just felt so angry at such and such, or you know, my ex, my boss, my whatever, my parents, and I've just wasted all of this time being angry and upset and hurt, and I haven't moved on with my life. What would you say to them? What would you say to that person, the person that you love that's your best mate? What would you say to them? And how would you treat them in that moment? And it's so important that you give yourself compassion, love, support, grace, forgiveness, all of the things that you need that are gonna not only help you heal, but are also gonna help you take bolder action in the future because you've got your back. And that's the most important thing is to be able to have your back, which you can't do. You can't have your own back if you're berating yourself, if you are hauling yourself over the coals for not taking action sooner, or for you know, sitting in even further, you know, sorry for yourselfness. That's not a word, but it's not a word, we're just making up words now. So you don't want to do that. That's not gonna help you progress or move forward by sort of like turning that blame back onto yourself now, finding a way to let go of it. And you can even apply some of those questions that I asked you in like radical responsibility, you know, with self-compassion, it's like, how can I, how can I show myself compassion in this moment? Like, what can I, what can I do to support myself on my journey in and where I want to go next? You know, what can I embrace? What can I let go of? Let go of anything that isn't serving you so that you can make way and make space to embrace all of the things that are gonna serve you in this next chapter of your life. And finally, aligned action. Aligned action. Because they say that knowledge is power, but the absolute fucking truth is that knowledge doesn't mean anything until it's activated by aligned action. You have to take action. So if you want to take yourself out of any kind of like energy that feels like victimhood, you have to take radical responsibility, you've got to practice self-compassion and be kind to yourself, and then you've got to take aligned action. What does your aligned action look like? Because it's all well and good knowing something and feeling something, but in order to really create real changes, like I said, that aligned action is so essential. One of the best ways to do this as well is to just think about like your next three steps. I think so many people get really tripped up on this idea that they have to know everything in advance. Like if I don't know how I'm gonna do this for the next five years or next 10 years or you know, however long, or if I don't know every single step along the way in order to achieve something, then there's no point trying. Or I'll just I'll start tomorrow and then procrastination and self-doubt start creeping in and then before you know it, you're not any further along at all. So instead of just like looking at it as like this big thing that you have to now change with all of these actions, just ask yourself simply, what are my three next steps? What are my three next moves? And then once you've got there, do the next three moves. And then once you've done that, do the next three moves. So it doesn't need to be complicated. You do not need to know every single step in the process of how to achieve something. In fact, if you go and research, you know, so many famous, successful people and their journey and what they achieved, they're a lot of the time they're kind of like winging it and not just like in a making it up kind of way, but they're just like they're just taking the first step and then seeing where they go from there and then being able to field out their options because that's the other thing, right? You only know what you know right now before you've taken any action. When you start taking action, what you know and what you learn is gonna expand, which means that the options and the opportunities available to you are gonna expand with you. So, what I mean by that is that when you go to take those first three steps, what you know is not gonna be the same as when you're on step, you know, four, five, and six. You will have gained more tools, more knowledge, more information, more confidence in your journey by doing step one, two, and three. So by the time you get to take step four, it's like you've got more tools in your tool belt. So tight, you know, incremental steps, three steps at a time, learning as you go, growing as you go. These three things, radical responsibility, self-compassion, and aligned action, you can apply to so many different things in your life, but you can absolutely use this to transform your yourself from a victim mindset into someone who is the captain of their own fucking ship, right? Because this is your life. And like I said before, nobody's coming to save you. It's so important that you take control from here in out. From my perspective, as someone who's grown up the way that I did and have achieved some of the things that I've achieved, it has made me realize that it kind of like doesn't matter who you are or where you've come from, you can create something different for yourself. Everybody is starting off at a different starting point, right? Like, like the expression goes, some people are starting off in in, you know, in the car park, and some people are starting off in the field behind the store, and some people are starting at the front door of the store. And I probably completely bores up that analogy, but I think you probably know what I mean, right? Everyone in life is starting from a different position. They have access to different resources, they have different experiences in childhood, and they have, you know, different genetics and all these different things that would make up a person's experience in life. But regardless of all of those things, you can create something different for yourself. You can create something better for yourself. And you deserve to create something better for yourself. But the only way that you can ever create something better or different from yourself from what you've previously had or experienced, or what you've believed to be true or expect to have for yourself is by ditching the victim mindset, by taking radical responsibility, by showing yourself love and grace and compassion along the journey and taking that aligned action. Like you have the capacity to do that. If you are privileged enough to be sitting there with some sort of device in your hand or in your back pocket that is allowing you to play a podcast episode, mine or anyone else's, then you have access to things that have the ability to change your life when you apply the right mindset. I really want to encourage you to embrace the fact that your time is now, you are here now. And anything previously that, you know, didn't work out for you or you feel has been to blame for why things are not looking the way that you want them to be, is to give yourself grace to be able to let them go. You don't have to forgive anyone if you don't want to forgive anyone, but give yourself enough grace and compassion and love to understand that holding on to them and holding on to any kind of like blame or victim mindset is just gonna continually cost you more and more as the years go by. And you deserve so much more than that. You are capable and worthy of creating the life that you truly desire. I just want to say thank you for being here, for showing up for yourself, for for if you've made it to the end of this episode, for continuing to journey with me. And I hope that you find some of these tools and techniques really beneficial in your own journey in life and in business and you know, whether it's personally or professionally. And it's like I always say sometimes radical responsibility is about simply saying, I see what you did, I know who you are, but I'm gonna be over here living my best life because I am responsible for my love, joy, and success. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you guys next week.