061 Surviving My Mother's Sadistic Abuse

In this episode, Sinyian shares her heart-wrenching experiences of abuse and neglect. She recounts the trauma of mistreatment by school teachers and the subsequent abuse from her mother after a distressing time at school. Sinyian also opens up about her time in a boarding school, where lack of resources and financial support pushed her to steal for survival and comfort.
Tune in to hear Sinyian’s powerful story of struggle and resilience, and gain insight into the challenges faced by those who endure such profound hardships.

Transcript

UNKNOWN 0:00

Music.

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Hi guys, Jenica here from Multispective. I'm here to share with you a new episode where I interview Sinyan. She talks about abuse when she was a child by the hands of her mother and the ways that it's impacted her in her later on adult years and the sort of ways that she's navigated that throughout her adulthood. This episode would be really important for you if you've ever had sort of a complicated relationship with your own parents. You're kind of working through some of the issues that you've experienced as a childhood, some of the childhood traumas that maybe you weren't so familiar with growing up, kind of are realizing as you're aging and navigating through life. I also really like some of the other nuggets of like inspiration, knowledge that she sort of passed along on the way, ways that we can look out for children's behaviors and actions that may be calling out for certain kinds of help without explicitly expressing it. Lots of really interesting pieces of information here. You have such a fascinating story. You know, you come from quite a dark place, but it seems like you sort of go in a very sort of positive energy. And so I feel like there's so much our listeners are going to be able to sort of take away from this and how you turn such adversity into such a beautiful kind of life for yourself. Sinia, why don't you start off just by telling us a little bit about yourself and your background?

SPEAKER_00 1:18

So I actually grew up in, I was born and raised in Germany. I went to an American school. It was one of those Dodd schools where, you know, they have like American army bases all around the world. They have them in like Japan, Philippines, and they also have them in Germany. So I don't know how my parents got me in, but they actually got me, I was the only non-American citizen in that school. So all of them were army kids. So that's kind of like who I grew up with. So I yeah, I grew up in a very multicultural setting. So with Asian parents living in Germany, going to an American school. And then, yeah, after after I finished high school, I went to college in the States. And then after a few years there, I went back to Malaysia. And then I went back to And now I'm currently living in Thailand. So are you Chinese yourself? Yes,

SPEAKER_01 2:26

yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

on the culture that was in that school probably there was more of a disciplinary component more than I was aware of just because you know like the parents are in the army and like I know that a few of my friends they had to like salute to their dad or you know like they had to kind of yeah like they would have to call their parents like oh like ma'am or sir or you know it wasn't like mom or dad or they would have to follow like a strict strict physical regimen. Like they would have to wake up six in the morning and kind of like run and do push-ups and like, you know, like

SPEAKER_02 3:34

some

SPEAKER_00 3:34

of the parents, they wanted the kids to follow the same footsteps. But I would still say for the most part, it was just like a normal high school. Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

So you mentioned that you were in Germany for several years and then it was after that that you went to Malaysia, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:55

so okay um this is normally normally like i just glaze over everything um i just say like oh yeah i grew up in germany then i went to the states i went to malaysia kind of like how i started out but um in reality it's actually like this so um i was in germany from zero to six and then i went to malaysia for first and second grade so seven and eight years old then um Nine years old to 14, I was in Germany. 14 to 15, I was back in Malaysia. 15 to 16, I was in Germany. And then 16 onwards, I was in America. So I bounced between Germany and Malaysia quite a lot. It's something that I guess I would like to speak on more in this podcast. But it is the more uncomfortable side of my journey. childhood that I normally just not share with the world yeah

SPEAKER_01 5:01

why don't you why don't you start with your story tell us a little bit about it

SPEAKER_00 5:05

okay yeah um so I don't remember much from when I was in kindergarten anymore um but I remember my parents or my mom uh bringing me back to Malaysia so okay so I went to a German kindergarten from four to six and then when um I started in first grade my mom brought me back to Malaysia and it was a very huge culture shock for me because it's the first time I had to wear a uniform and then in Malaysia even girls are not allowed to have long hair because it promotes promiscuity or sexuality according to that culture so my mom had to cut my hair really short in like a bob style and like I was very upset because it's like it stripped away what I felt like was a part of my identity you know like it's like everyone had to look the same and I felt like I almost looked like a boy and then yeah I remember going to school and the teachers are allowed to hit you so they have either a ruler or a cane and I remember the boys would get it worse than the girls they would have in Malaysia it's called a ratan and And then it's like a long strip of bamboo almost. And they're basically allowed to whip you. And I remember the boys, they would misbehave a little bit more. They would act out in class. And the teacher would literally whip the boys. And I remember my classmates, they would be crying and they'd be running around. And the teacher would chase after them and literally like, come here, come here. Wow. the ratan and it was really bad and I remember thinking like why would you be a teacher and basically abuse children like that like when the teacher would finally catch them by the ear and like she would have long nails and she would pinch the ears until like it was bleeding like blood would come out and the boys would yeah and the boys would be crying and I would just sit there and I would be so scared like don't say anything don't do anything yeah and this was allowed Like legally, it was allowed.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

Parents knew about all of this. If the kid came home with a bleeding ear, the parents would be okay with it.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

Yeah. And I was so scared that it actually caused bladder problems and I would actually pee myself and I would get in trouble for that as well. And I mean, like that's, that's long gone now, but like as, as a little kid, like I would, I would be so scared. I would pee myself at school. Yeah. would go back and i would tell my mother and she'd be like she would side with the teacher along with a lot of other parents you know like as as kids we would talk about it and and my friends would say the same thing like my dad thinks that you know like i i should have paid more attention in class i should have gotten better marks in school i should have you know done more or like placed number one in class um in order to not feel the wrath of the the teacher and the parents Basically, yeah. It's very common. That's just how the culture in Malaysia is. It's very disciplinarian and you have to conform and respect your elders. And it's almost twisted in such a negative way because it's just used and the phrase is just used to control people and to make you obey and not have your own voice and not be able to express yourself in any type of way.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

Right. Can you talk to me about your relationship with your mom and dad? You mentioned that you were quite fearful of your mom, that she kind of always took the teacher's side. What about your dad in this situation?

SPEAKER_00 9:10

So I have a very complicated relationship with my dad. I would like to say it's leaning more towards a positive relationship. I try very hard to be understanding of his situation in this whole scenario. So when I was in first grade, my dad was actually in Germany. He was more absent than present. And this is also very common because we come from a very traditional background where the man is supposed to be the provider. So his role is just to work and yeah, earn money for the family. And the woman is supposed to be the one that's taking care of the child. But with that, I would still like to say that, you know, like he is a lot more nurturing, like I could actually feel his love, even though he wasn't the primary caregiver. So like, when I was in Germany, He's the one that taught me how to ride a bike. He's the one that taught me how to swim. He's the one that would ask me how my day was. So I could actually feel that there was someone there for me to a certain extent. Because what confused me is how could someone that is actually caring... not be able to see how neglected I was by my mother. It's just that because I have gone through very traumatic experiences with my mom, the only thing I don't understand is how he wasn't able to pick up on that.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

Can you tell us a little bit more about your relationship with your mom with some examples or instances?

SPEAKER_00 11:46

So I mentioned that I had Yeah. starting at the age of nine I went back to Germany for third grade and then my dad would be at the restaurant the whole day so I would be left alone with my mother and she basically had no one watching her and she was able to basically lash out on me because I would have bladder problems one day she decided after school that she just wouldn't give me clothes to wear anymore so So I would come home from school and she would ask me to strip and I would only be given a t-shirt. I would be exposed from the waist down. I would beg her for clothes to wear and she would just be like, no, no, like I don't, I don't want to, no, I don't want to wash your clothes. So you're not going to get anything until you learn to stop wetting the pants. And she would leave the door open so we stayed in a two-bedroom apartment with only one bathroom and the bathroom was right next to the front door and She liked to leave the front door open for fresh air. But what that meant for me is that people walking down the hallway, they would be able to see me. So I would be... That actually made the problem worse because I would be too scared to go to the bathroom. And I would just hide in my room the whole day. And I would... I would go in my room and my room would just stink and there's nothing I can do about it. I would just be scared and miserable. On a weekly basis, I had a tutor come over to teach me Chinese and he was a 20-something-year-old guy and I would be so scared that he would be able to see me and I would just the shirt that I would get to wear I would just pull it down I would pull it as as far as I can and stretch them out and basically make them into a dress and I would sit in the chair there I would pull the table as as close to me as possible to try to hide myself and for an hour sometimes I would have to go to the bathroom and I would be I I'd be too scared to stand up and it would just honestly, I mean, I'm very ashamed of it, but I would have no choice. I would basically go next to him and I would hope that he doesn't realize that while I'm having lessons, I'm actually going to the bathroom with him sitting right next to me and it's just trickling down my chair. And, you know, it's It was a very difficult and horrible time of my life. And what I'm ashamed of most is I would actually help my mom to cover it up because sometimes she would just forget to give me clothes to wear. And I would hear my dad turning the keys and I would run out of my room to my mom. And I would say, dad's coming, dad's coming. And all my clothes are in their room. And she would run to Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think

SPEAKER_01 16:58

there was a part of you at that time when you were younger that also felt a little bit protective of your mom in a sense that you also felt like you or maybe not protective, maybe fearful that if my dad finds out, my mom's going to get even angrier and lash out at me even more?

SPEAKER_00 17:14

I was very scared of that because occasionally like we would go out as a family and like sometimes visit family friends or like my school friends, they would have a birthday party. and then um parents there would actually observe how my mom was treating me you know sometimes i would talk to her i'm like mom mom you know and she would just she was very good at hiding it from my dad but she didn't really care about other people my dad wasn't around she she would say things like i don't want to waste my breath on you like that's like you're just wasting my time and she would just walk off with other parents standing there and and they would be in shock and and they would ask me like hey do you want me to talk to your mom for you like the way she's talking to you is not right

SPEAKER_02 18:01

and

SPEAKER_00 18:03

i would tell them no no please don't because all it's gonna do is anger her and like yeah like i'm gonna get it when we go back home she would regularly like slap me across the face or like she would hit me or like she would throw shoes at me or like my mom would chase And I remember one time she forgot herself and my dad, me and my mom were at my dad's restaurant. And she started doing that. And then all the guests were looking at her and then and then she quickly like put it down and like composed herself. I was like, Oh, the restaurant is my safe haven. Like I can come here and, and she can't just lash out on me.

SPEAKER_01 18:49

So yeah. that you felt like you could trust to talk to about it? Say, friends, teachers? No.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

I didn't keep it to myself, but no one was willing to help me. So I think when I was in elementary school, I didn't know how to articulate myself in a way that people understood that this was actually toxic and abusive. The way I said it was like, oh, my mom is so mean to me. And she's yelling at me every day. And, you know, sometimes she's making fun of me. And people would just my teachers or like the counselors, they would just twist it like, I don't think she's laughing at you. i think she's just making a joke or i think you know she's probably mad at you because you didn't listen to her like they would try to give me advice and say like i should try to behave better and they didn't really understand like the trauma that was going on in my house and i mean to be fair i didn't i didn't tell them about you know like my mom not giving me clothes to wear i would just say like oh yeah like my mom is yelling at me and and you know like things like that like she would every day when I go to school she would shout at me to wake up like it wasn't like hey wake up that was actually a very traumatic long term event because that's the first thing I hear when I wake up every day it was like I felt like I was in jail and like my mom would be like Sienna wake up like you know and it would just it would just shock me every day

SPEAKER_02 20:36

yeah

SPEAKER_00 20:37

you know and But when I would explain that to people, it was just like, oh, she probably called you a few times and you didn't hear her. And then she's just like, hey, wake up. A lot of my friends, they'd be like, oh, yeah, my mom yells at me to get up for school, too. But they didn't understand the difference. And I didn't know how to explain it.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

Yeah, yeah. Do you remember like your mom sort of always being like this with you or was it sort of like post the bladder issue when that started? How was it? Was it like a slow transition or was it just like overnight she just flipped out and that's it? She just never kind of went back to being a loving mother again?

SPEAKER_00 21:18

No, it was always like that. Even when I was a little kid, I remember when I was in kindergarten, I would tell her like she's walking too fast because in kindergarten, obviously, I'm like three feet tall, you know, and I'm almost like, I'm like, I can't walk that fast, you know, or sometimes I would just be tired and I'm like, mom, can you please slow down? And she'd be speedwalking almost. It felt like to get rid of me. And she would just be like, hurry up, walk faster, walk faster. I remember people on the street would give us weird looks. She just didn't care. It was like the world just doesn't exist around her. I remember she would force me to eat all my food so it's like oh there's you know like i would get the typical like there's starving kids in africa you have to finish your

SPEAKER_02 22:07

food yeah

SPEAKER_00 22:09

but it's like as a little kid my stomach is not as big as you as an adult and you're giving me a full plate of food i can't i literally i can't finish it and i remember it's like my breakfast either i don't eat anything i would tell her like i don't want food and she would make nothing for me or she would make a whole meal for me um and then i would eat and sometimes i would throw up on the way to kindergarten because i i'm not allowed to waste food so you know eventually i would tell her like just don't give me anything anymore and i would just be hungry until lunch it's like it was one or the other can you tell me what was some of

SPEAKER_01 22:51

the now looking back i think you would probably be able to sort of reflect on it but um some of the signs that you may have displayed um To an outsider, say to a teacher, to a friend, you know, the wetting the pants is definitely a sign of some kind of extreme fear happening within. For example, even to your tutor coming in every day, knowing that you are not wearing pants. These are things that someone on the outside doesn't really require verbalizing, but people on the outside, teachers, friends should be able to see. You mentioned that other parents were able to see how your mom was around you and they kind of picked up on the signs. But what were some other things that your, your behaviors, your body language was kind of

SPEAKER_00 23:35

displaying? alert and protect myself and see what's happening. And my friend just asked me, like, what's wrong with you? Like, I'm not going to hit you. Why do you keep acting like this? You know, and that's when I realized, like, oh, my God, like, I have this defense mechanism where I think the whole world is just out to, not to get me, but to, like, attack me in a way. And then just being very, having very low self-esteem as a kid Mm-hmm. other people would have picked up on more. Like body

SPEAKER_01 25:03

language, I

SPEAKER_00 25:03

guess. Yeah, my body language was very afraid.

UNKNOWN 25:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:10

And did you ever end up telling your dad about the abuse that happened at home even way later down the line?

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Yes. Yes, I did. And I was right in the sense that it took him a lot of years to believe me. And even though I think he believes me now... nothing was done so he's still living with my mom and he's still you know like treating her the same like it and it just it just baffles me because like if if I were to be married and if my husband ever did anything like that to my kids like I would just fly off the handles I would call the cops I would remove the children from the home like I would do all the things that I wish someone would have done for me and A part of me is very hurt and angry that My dad is choosing my mom over me. He's saying he's choosing the family as a whole, but how can you call that a family? So I actually have an older sister and she's five years older and my mom left my sister with my grandparents and never took care of her. So, you know, this lack of motherly qualities stemmed like Right. Right. for her she didn't even want to take care of the kids it was like oh my grandmother can take care of my sister and then she actually wanted to leave me in Malaysia as well but my dad said no like he wanted to be there for my upbringing um and then he thought that my mom would um take care of me but like as I mentioned you know every couple years she would just send me back to Malaysia or try to um but because I grew up in Germany for the most part of my um i would keep telling my dad i want to go back i want to go back like i would beg my parents like please let me back to germany like i don't belong in malaysia because it's such a huge culture shock and um when my parents sent me back when i was 14 um i was living by myself so that's actually another another piece that i would like to share um because they basically rented a room for me And I was walking to school every day by myself and I had to find food. And they only gave me 60 ringgit a week. This was...

SPEAKER_01 28:09

Which is equivalent to like

SPEAKER_00 28:11

how much? To$15. I had$15 a week. I asked my dad about this years later because I told him I didn't have enough food. I had to steal food at 14 to survive. Yeah, because$15 is not enough. Yeah. Even in Malaysia, even 15, 20 years ago, it's not enough money. And I was supposed to use that for school supplies, for clothes, for everything, right? Getting minutes on my phone, for bus rides, anything you can think of, that was supposed to be enough. And I was like, there's no way.$15 doesn't even feed me. So how was I supposed to pay for anything else? So I would actually go to 7-Elevens and I would steal bread. I would steal ice cream. I would wear... Long sleeve t-shirts that were like baggy or like just jackets or hoodies. I would hold things in my hand and I would just kind of like push it in and like slide whatever I can or like I would just take it and put it in my pockets and just walk out. Or, you know, like I would maybe take three pieces of bread and I would stuff two in my jacket and then pay for one, you know, and then that's how I would have meals for the next day or so. I remember I would only have one pair of shoes and I didn't have an umbrella and whenever it rained I would just walk from my room to the school in in pouring rain right and I remember because I only had one pair of shoes I would wear them down so much there was holes in it so the minute it rained I would just step in and like the water would just soak up

SPEAKER_02 30:08

right through

SPEAKER_00 30:09

in my socks and my pants and I would have to sit there in class the whole entire day with just rainwater just soaking in me. They were so worn down that When I take them off, it would just collapse within itself. They were paper thin. So basically, the next day, I would have to peel my shoes open to wear them again. That was my sophomore year in high school. And people just avoided me. They just thought, this is a kid that misbehaves or is very depressed. And I tried to tell my teachers, and my teacher would be like, This is not my job. My job is just to teach. So I just fell through the cracks. And the whole year, I was begging my dad, like, please take me back, please take me back. And my mom, she was very spiteful. My mom would just ask me, did you go out today? I would be like, yeah. And she would ask me, so how many people did you sleep with today? And I would be so hurt, but I would just make up lies. And I remember I just said two. And she would say, I knew it just because If I would have said anything else, I was afraid that she would call me a liar and she would continue bashing me, you know, like, I don't believe you, you must have done something, you know. I just felt so defeated that I just said whatever she wanted to hear because, like, she was...

SPEAKER_01 31:53

Like expecting you to be sort of this kind of person or

SPEAKER_00 31:56

something. Like a slut or something. I was still a virgin when I was 15 years old. Like that, like I was just thinking about how to survive. Did you have much of a relationship with your sister?

SPEAKER_01 32:08

No,

SPEAKER_00 32:08

I don't. I don't blame her. I don't because so I over the years I could feel that she felt like I got the life that she never had. My parents took care of me and they didn't take care of her. So from her point of view, it's like, oh, like I got to grow up with my parents in Germany. I got to go to the international schools. I got the you know like the nice first world lifestyle while she was dumped off in Malaysia and my grandparents had to take care of her

SPEAKER_01 33:21

it's like yeah the two sisters in a sense were kind of pitted against each other because you know of the way that you were separated and also not really like it's hard to kind of establish this like a loving kind of conversation when you know your environments are so different even though you have the same set of parents right yeah what was some of your coping mechanisms How did you, or did you have any coping mechanisms at the time? I

SPEAKER_00 33:46

had... One good coping mechanism, but most of them were bad. I'll start off with my good coping mechanism. So I got into art, any type of art, I would write songs, I would write poetry, I would draw or paint, I would just, I like to dance, like any form of verbal expression, that would be my way of releasing the sadness and turning that into creativity. And every time I I was feeling alone and I was in my room by myself. Like I would just draw to express myself. But these moments were very few and far between because the only way I could do it was when the house was quiet. And for the most part, it wasn't. Those times, it would be like maybe once a month or something. And like where she would just go out and just have a walk by herself and then I would finally have that peace and quiet where I'm able to express myself in a safe way. But for the most part, I would just leave the house at 10 years old. And I would actually start stealing stuff from shopping centers. So at nine, I started going to friends house. And this is I absolutely don't condone this. For me, my feeling was, I'm so wronged by this world. And to me, like the whole world was just one thing. Like I couldn't differentiate between my mother and my friends and a department store or anything. So whenever I felt hurt, I would just take something anything from anybody just to like in my head balance it out like you hurt me I hurt you back at nine I started getting caught and my friends started getting mad at me so then I quickly stopped that and then I started going to department stores and I would start stealing toys I would start stealing like small jewelry I wouldn't even want

SPEAKER_01 35:59

it I would imagine it would be very much a control thing like you don't have control over your bladder you don't have control over your mom and her reaction to things you don't have control even with your friends they don't want to talk to you anymore because they see you a certain way and you don't have control over the way the world is working but what I do have control is what I take when I take where I take it and how I you know and so yeah I get it I understand yeah

SPEAKER_00 36:25

thank you yeah so that was like my way of like you're right You're right. Like taking a little bit of control back for myself. Like I felt almost in a way it's like I deserve this.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

Can we can we fast forward to when you were, say, the first time being independent now as a university student? Can you tell me how you kind of processed all of this? How did this all sort of like come to you and how did you manage and deal with it? I

SPEAKER_00 36:54

took a gap year and then at 16, I went to California. That was still way too young. I did not have any skills that I needed to survive there. I didn't know how to cook for myself. I didn't know how to wash my clothes. I didn't know how to like discipline myself and stay on task or stay on track with the schoolwork. I didn't know anything yet. So I had to learn a lot of that there. And I was also missing a lot of social skills that I needed to So when I was in Germany, I hung out with people. I didn't realize it at the time, but I hung out with people that have similar backgrounds. So their parents largely neglected them. And then when I went to college, for the most part, those are kids that come from stable upbringings. So they have a very different background. And I ended up repeating the same patterns where I had two groups of friends. one group was like they saw the smart side of me they saw that you know like I'm very educated but they didn't see the side that was hurting they didn't see the they didn't know like of the abuse that I went through at home and then I hung out with a lot of the, I guess the what people would say degenerates of society, you know, the people that selling drugs, or they're in and out of jail, and they they're very abusive towards their partners. And I actually would feel very comfortable with those type of people. Because I would be able to express myself in the way that I really feel like sometimes I would just be having a really bad day. And I would really just want to be negative and let it out and curse and shout at the world. And I want

SPEAKER_02 38:56

to

SPEAKER_00 38:57

smoke weed. And those people understood me. But deep down, I also knew that these are not the type of people you're supposed to be surrounding yourself with if you want to get ahead in life.

SPEAKER_01 39:10

And what about sort of like mentally? How have you sort of... say not only unraveled but like coped and processed all of this mentally and so that you are able to live a more you know happier functional um successful sort of life for yourself today

SPEAKER_00 39:27

that happened in my 20s so i

SPEAKER_01 39:31

okay

SPEAKER_00 39:32

grew up mentally later than other people, because I was stuck in the mindset that for a lot of years, I was afraid of women, I thought that most women were out to hurt me. So I didn't really connect with a lot of female friends until much later in my life. Like I would hang out with, you know, my other group of friends, and they were mostly guys. So I thought that guys are like safe and women are dangerous that was the very twisted logic that I had in my head and that's how I kind of kept it until in my 20s when I went back to Malaysia And I started going to therapy. So that is actually how I was able to help myself because I started coming to the realization that this is affecting my life because I thought like, oh, if I just don't talk to my mother anymore, then everything will be fine. But obviously, these things they carry over to your present day relationships. If you try to, you know, like, build relationships with your co workers or like with friends outside like like the differences became more and more obvious to me when you know people started getting into relationships and then the the women would look at me a certain way like why are you talking to my boyfriend all the time like the the differences became a lot more obvious and then i had to really self-reflect and be like What is different about me than other people? Like, why am I not integrating myself into society as well as I should? And then that's when I started going to therapy. And it took a few different tries. The first therapist actually told me, like, you don't seem very sad. And I was like, well, do I have to put on a show for you? You know, like, it definitely takes a few tries before you find the right match. And I was actually very surprised that the therapist that I connected with was Because, you know, I thought that men would be able to understand me better. But, you know, in my 20s, I was already at the stage where I started to recognize that not all women were inherently evil. And then when I started going to therapy, initially, I even brought my mother with me. I said that I wanted to

SPEAKER_02 42:06

work.

SPEAKER_00 42:07

And so the first few sessions, we would talk with the therapist and the therapist would be able to see our interactions. I think the therapist, this was the first time I tried bringing my mother with me because every time I would try to describe the situation, I don't think they really got the full picture. But then when my mom was there and I would describe the situation and then the therapist would be able to see my mom's reaction, I think then finally got someone to really believe me and understand me from my point of view. The therapist really helped me understand my emotions and how to navigate them. So one of the things that I was really afraid of is my mom attacking me, and embarrassing me in public, you know, for example, she would say, Oh, you should sit down right now, you should eat your food right now, you should make sure you you greet your aunts and uncles, she would just try to basically order me around in front of people. And it was like degrading and kind of like just show like who's boss in the situation and and make me feel really small and i would tell this to my therapist and my therapist taught me how to take back control of the situation she's like next time this happens tell your mom hey i already know how to do these things and my mom would obviously obviously retort and be like well i'm just reminding you you know like just in case you forget and like i'm your mother you should listen to me and you know the therapist would tell me um just say to her Like, you've already raised me to be better than that. And just come, come at it, not in a defensive way, but in a very soft and calm way and be like, I got this. It's okay. You know, until my mom is quiet. That's when you've taken back control of the situation. And then you go about doing things that you want to do. Like, it's not, you're not doing it because she told you to do it. You're doing it because you wanted to do it. And you you've made that clear in public so that was basically her teaching me how to take back control of the situation in a healthy way so that I'm not expressing myself by like stealing things from department stores were

SPEAKER_01 44:29

you very fearful the very first time that you actually put that into practice say in a public setting was it quite a difficult situation or circumstance for you

SPEAKER_00 44:39

yes I was very nervous and I practiced at home like I would run these scenarios in my head and I would actually practice at home like okay this is what I have to say this is how I'm going to react and then when it finally happened sometimes it's I mean progress is not a straight line sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't sometimes she would throw me a curveball and then I would freak out I'd be like no mom this is not how it's supposed to go you know and then I would have to try again and like calm down But all you can do is try your best. out to get me and they're just out to hurt me. And then I would talk to my therapist about it. And she's like, well, you're all grown up now. Why don't you try to have another conversation with them and see how they would react? Because at one point, my mom would actually call her sisters, so my aunts, and complain about me. And when I first went back to Malaysia, I would get random calls from them. And they would be like, you need to treat your mother better. She's very upset with you. And Yeah. Yeah. And then my therapist taught me like, well, how you're a better way of communicating is lean into the situation, agree with them, and then put doubt in their mind. So a better way of saying it would be, I would really like to get along with my mom, I would really like to treat her better. But sometimes she makes it really difficult for me to do so. So what I'm doing is I'm agreeing, I'm leaning into the situation. And then I'm allowing them to ask more questions as to why I'm not doing it instead of coming in very hot and defensive and then basically just arguing with them so that that allows for more of an open conversation and then what was actually really surprising was that I never even had to use that when I talk to them they're like oh you you have changed so much um it it feels like you're a much happier person now it feels like you're doing really well and like they just talk to me about very normal everyday stuff you know like how's your job going where are you going for vacation that's when it clicked in my head like you're not a little kid anymore you're grown up now and you have a lot more power and control about how people see you and and how people interact with you

SPEAKER_01 48:08

that's so amazing and it's so admirable sort of the way that you chose to handle the situation? Because, you know, I can imagine you sort of going through a phase of, and you mentioned that you were defensive at times, because you're so angry, there is like a part of you that needs to be able to let go of the emotional aspect of what had happened to you in order to be able to conduct yourself in a more calm and relaxed and responsive rather than reactive kind of manner, right? Were you sort of taking these pieces of advice from your therapist and putting it into practice and then you were able to let go of some of the anger that you felt or was it the other way around where you had to work through letting go of the anger first before learning how to respond in that

SPEAKER_00 48:51

way? That's a very good question. I think it's the first one. It's I had to learn the skills of how to... process or how to kind of navigate the situation before I was able to let go like it was like after I successfully had a good conversation where in my head I thought it could go bad then like I would get that sense of relief and then I would get the closure and I would be able to like let go and like like after I feel like I have overcome the situation then the feelings would follow so you know like I had to yeah really work hard to learn these skills to kind of communicate in a better way and then you know like it turns out that they don't all hate me like it was just all in my head and and like i just had to learn how to like navigate the world a little bit better

SPEAKER_01 49:47

yeah for sure what's your relationship like with your mom now do you have a relationship with her

SPEAKER_00 49:54

no i can't um that is something that i'm still working on but um i don't think Yeah, I think so. too much for me to be able to have any sort of conversation with her even about normal things because everything just triggers me she never evolved as a person

SPEAKER_01 50:44

right

SPEAKER_00 50:45

she's still stuck from like that as in that time and and like i can't be there with her

SPEAKER_01 50:54

yeah fair enough can you tell me like um Final messages to our listeners, maybe something you would like people to sort of know, you know, with regards how to communicate with someone or how to pick up signs in a child. What kind of message would you like to give away with

SPEAKER_00 51:13

our listeners today? And they're lashing out. it most probably means there's a much deeper issue that's going on within that person and you know like not to judge them right away and you know especially with um boys when you know like they get into fights or um they they're shouting and yelling you know like they're probably struggling with something that they don't know how to express yet and Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:16

And what about for someone who's trying to work through their traumas as an adult? Any advice for people in how to support or how to better listen or communicate with someone who's undoing some of the traumas in their childhood as an adult?

SPEAKER_00 52:33

Obviously, therapy has been very helpful for me. And I would say, you know, like, take some time to self reflect and like, understand your emotions, like, not, not when you're in it. But like, just when you have the time, like have an hour to yourself. Don't don't watch TV, don't look at your phone, don't do anything, just think about how you feel in certain situations. And just one one thing that my therapist has taught me that is really good is go back to your inner child like when you're feeling scared or angry or sad pretend just pretend in your head how you wish someone would have been there or reacted in that situation towards you and be that person you know like say for example you as a as a kid you failed in your math test or something and then like your your parents are yelling at you they're mad at you and as a kid you know you would have wished that your your um parent would have said like it's okay you know just try just try again and um whatever you wish that person would have said to you say it to yourself now be the person that you wish was there for you I

SPEAKER_01 54:02

love that So many little pieces of like golden nuggets that I've taken away from this and that our listeners can as well. So many practical things that we can sort of take forward in our days. Thank you so much, Sinyan, for sharing your story, for being vulnerable and just being so brave as an individual. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 54:24

thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

UNKNOWN 54:29

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 54:30

If you enjoyed the episode and would like to help support the show, please follow and subscribe. You can rate and review your feedback on any of our platforms listed in the description. I'd like to recognize our guests who are vulnerable and open to share their life experiences with us. Thank you for showing us we are human. Also, a thank you to our team who worked so hard behind the scenes to make it happen.

SPEAKER_00 54:51

The

SPEAKER_01 54:54

show would be nothing without you. I'm Jenica, host and writer of the show, and you're listening to... multispectre.