088 The night an intruder broke into my house

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Jamie shares her journey from a traumatic childhood with narcissistic parents through addiction and sexual assault to eventual healing and recovery.

• Mother's narcissistic behavior created a household where emotions weren't allowed
• Father's suicidal thoughts and emotional blackmail
• Molested by her aunt's boyfriend
• Addiction to drugs
• Survived a home invasion sexual assault while living with her boyfriend
• Found healing through therapy, honesty with loved ones, and helping others

We hope by listening to our episodes you are reminded that you can get through anything and that you are stronger than you know. 

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Transcript

Childhood in a Narcissistic Home

Speaker 1 0:05

I've had horrible anxiety. I've had trouble sleeping. I've had a ton of shame, constantly Guilt for just being me. He was a good person and he did not deserve that. I was cheating on him all the time. I just needed to hurt, I guess, myself, anybody around me. I was literally falling asleep at my desk because I was on opioids and then using cocaine in the bathroom to try to wake up. I wish I had an adult to like take care of me. I realized there was someone standing in my hallway. I start to hear this like clicking sound in the room, like, just like, over and over again, like it was my teeth chattering. It's like I need you to wash up, like you got blood everywhere. You need to wash up. I'll survive this moment and then I'll survive the next moment and then, right after that day, like I got drug-free and like, oh my god, my life turned around.

Speaker 2 0:57

Jamie, why don't you begin from the very beginning?

Speaker 1 1:03

Like, how was your childhood, how was your family situation at home growing up? So I'm the youngest of three. I have an older brother, an older sister and they're six and seven years older than me. So I was definitely kind of like a surprise. I don't talk to my parents. I haven't talked to them in like four years now. They never wanted to be parents, they never wanted kids, but they were good Catholics. So it's like that's what you did.

Speaker 1 1:26

You know this word gets thrown around a lot, but like my mom was definitely a narcissist. You know it was like nobody was allowed to have any feeling in the house, like that wasn't good or happy or didn't mirror like what she wanted at that time. You know, and if she was upset then we all better be like downtrodden as well, and we all better be like downtrodden as well and we all better be like, you know, walking on eggshells all the time. I can remember like when I was a kid then I was also like my dad's therapist, like talking to him all the time about like how he hates being married to my mom and he's so depressed and he would tell me all the time like I'm not gonna come home for work one of these days, or I'm gonna kill myself, so like I'm not gonna come back home from work, and like I have such a clear memory of, like one day, him saying that and like I don't know if he must have said it in a certain way, that just really scared me.

Speaker 1 2:08

So it was like I came home from school and he wasn't home yet and I was sick, like with worry, like sick with worry, and he finally came in the door and I like literally like sobbed and I was like oh my god, you're home. He's like what do you mean? Like of course I'm home and I like told him I was like you said you weren't gonna come home. You said you were gonna kill yourself. He was like, oh, like you watch too many movies, like you're too too emotional, whatever. So it's like from a young age I was always told like any emotion other than happy or not, pretending that everything's okay is bad so it was like always very forced to like shut myself down and be very quiet.

Speaker 1 2:38

My mom didn't buy groceries, she didn't make dinner, like my sister was doing all that. Like if anybody raised me it was my sister and so obviously there's a lot of resentments there from my sister, but we were both just like trying to survive this horrible household. My role was definitely like the peacemaker and like trying to make everybody laugh. But then I think when I became like more cognizant of god why do I feel so heavy in this house all the time, like why everything just sucks and I can't keep pretending like I think the more cognizant I became of that, the more I became probably like the black sheep, the troublemaker, you know. And by the time I was I was using drugs like started, innocent, I guess you know cigarettes, beer, marijuana, stuff like that. By the time I was 17, like I'd been introduced to opioids and it was just yeah, it was downhill from there. It was a horrible, horrible, horrible addiction, because there was days when I didn't think I would have like 10 hours clean.

Speaker 2 3:28

It's really tough to go through like a childhood like that. But, you know, one of the things that I kind of believe is that, like your childhood really sets the foundation for the decisions you make later on, the ways that you cope, the choices that you make later on, the relationships that you have in your adult years.

Speaker 1 3:50

Yeah, I'm curious as well about like relationships. For you at that point, you know the biggest thing it's. You know like I'll probably get like emotional, so you'll have to excuse me for that. But you know, like I said, my parents never wanted kids and they always let us know that. And so one thing I would hear a lot is you know my dad would say things like you know I never wanted kids, or you know it's hard to take care of you guys, we don't have any money, stuff like that, but I love you. That's what he would say. And so for a long time it was like hearing someone say they love me. It just always made me feel bad Because I thought what a burden this must be to them. It's been a long time since I've touched on this, so I apologize I'm getting really emotional about it, but so that was like.

Speaker 1 4:35

You know, I definitely tolerated a lot of partners or friendships for a long time where it was like I felt like I had to win them over. You know like I had to prove I felt like I had to win them over. You know like I had to prove I'm lovable, you know. Or I had to like do enough acts of service to, like you know, prove you can love me. You know, like I'm good, you can keep me around, and it's still like you know I have a very healthy relationship now that I'm so eternally grateful for. He's very emotionally mature. But you know, there's still times when, like he has to do things for me, like I needed gas money the other day and it was like nothing to him, but there's, you know, he didn't mind, like, but there's still times where it's like stuff like that will still just like bring this really big sense of shame.

Speaker 1 5:18

You know, because it's I just have that scar from the childhood still of like my parents always enforcing to me like, hey, we love you, but and like you, know a lot of times too, it's like I've talked to other kids that grew up with, you know, narcissistic parents and stuff like that and a lot of the times like they weren't necessarily even told like I love you and stuff like that. So it would also create like a confusing of like well, I guess I had it better than some kids, you know. I guess I, you know, and I did, but a lot of ways, like I know, it was a lot worse than most kids, you know, and I think now too, it's like, of course, the older I get and the more I see like other people's family dynamics, you know, especially like my boyfriend, like his family, they're just very kind to each other and they just like each other and there's not like these weird mind games, there's not like these weird I did something for you only so I can hold it over your head later. You know, and I think about like that's what makes me the most upset now is like it could have been so much better, like it could have been so much different.

Speaker 1 6:22

You know, and you know as much as, like, my boyfriend understands like a lot, a lot of that, like what I've went through, and you know he understands that it was, you know, like fucked up and it wasn't fair.

Speaker 1 6:31

It's like and I'm glad he'll how much it it leaves kind of like a hole in you like forever, you know, because it was just. You know, I'm 36 now and I still feel like I wish I had an adult to like take care of me, like I wish I had somebody out there that like checked in on me, you know, and it's like I know that I I take care of myself and I can take care of myself. But I feel like I that's one thing I never had was like an adult out in the world like taking care of myself. But I feel like that's one thing I never had was like an adult out in the world like taking care of me, you know, or checking in on me or telling me happy birthday and stuff like that. I'm an easy crier too, so I should probably warn you about that.

Speaker 2 7:16

But yeah, I can see that that's really like affected you in a lot of ways. Like sometimes it feels like people don't really understand. You know you're an adult, you could have processed all of this and stuff, but the reality is like that void, that hole is always going to be there.

Speaker 1 7:33

I have a dear friend and, uh, grew up with a very similar parent, you know situation, and we've been friends since like elementary school and I feel like this is also like a great mark of like narcissistic parents is like, from the outside, everybody thought my mom was so great and so sweet and so nice and it's like, yeah, like that's what she wanted, you know, and I thought the same thing of his mom, like when we would have, like he would have friends over, she would literally be like baking cookies. She was very much like a, like a leave it to beaver kind of mom. She was just like almost that stereotype of like know, a caricature of it almost, and like we kind of lost touch throughout the years and we met back up, you know, a couple years later and I, you know I asked him like how his family was doing and I was like, god, and how's your mom, like she's always so sweet? And he was like, oh, she just straight up like abandoned our family and I was like shocked, you know, I could not believe it, and he was like, oh, my mom always was awful.

Speaker 1 8:19

I feel like bad saying this, but it was almost kind of like such a relief because it was like he knows exactly what I went through. It's like you can't let anybody know like how bad it is, because it's embarrassing, because you're scared that like, oh, could cps get involved? And like take me away and like, even if your home life is scary, like it's still your home, like you still don't want to get separated from my siblings, you know? Or like would I be able to see my grandma again? Stuff like that. You know like it was horrible that he had to go through like what he went through, but it was like I've never met somebody that got me on that level and it was like we both instantly just kind of like cried because we were just like I know exactly what you went through and what about people pleasing.

Speaker 2 8:59

How does that play a role? Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 9:02

I'm definitely a people pleaser, but like I feel I do feel like I've gotten so much better about that. I feel like you know I feel it has. It does go back to. It's like like I'm a fat woman. Fat doesn't bother me. That's not an offensive word to me. Um, I prefer that over like plus size, curvy any of those other into like each their own. Whoever wants to use whatever word, but like fat doesn't bother me. So it's like I feel like I had to go through a big journey of like I'm allowed to be a fat woman in the world. Like I can take up space, I can feel sexy, I can be desirable. Before that I felt like I always had to look together. I couldn't look sloppy, because like there was no bigger crime than a fat person, like looking sloppy in public. I always have to remind myself, like no, you can take up space like you are allowed to be here.

Speaker 2 9:51

I guess I don't feel that need to like check in or be like bandage for people. So let's, let's start with the with the addiction aspect of it. Like how did that sort of come about for you? How were you introduced to it? Why did it become, yeah, a thing for you?

Speaker 1 10:42

when I was 12, my mom, my mom's sister, my aunt she worked two jobs in Colorado.

The Path to Addiction

Speaker 1 10:49

My mom volunteered me to go out there in Colorado and I mean I didn't really want to but I also knew I didn't really have a choice. So I go and I don't think my aunt told my mom that she had a boyfriend living with her. It ended up being now that I look back on it, it was just grooming. It was like I'm sorry your parents don't realize how special you are and you're so beautiful, like, and no one tells you that he would come home from work and be like, oh, let's, you know, let's drink together while we make dinner and stuff, because my aunt was working all the time. So I mean, yeah, it was just he molested me inappropriate touching, you know, sexual comments that like at the time I didn't understand. You know, now, looking back, I realize more. So, like I knew at the time like what's happening shouldn't be happening. But now, like I have more context to like how inappropriate some of those things were you made me sick to my stomach.

Speaker 1 11:36

So I think I was dealing with that and I was dealing with narcissistic parents. I've had horrible anxiety, I've had trouble sleeping, I've had a ton like of shame constantly, like guilt for just being me. And so I think when somebody introduced me because it was truly like it was so casual the first time it happened it was just like from zero to a hundred. You know, it was like whenever I could get them then, like my dad, he has um rheumatoid arthritis, so stealing medications from him, I was stealing medications from like from friends, from friends, parents, like it ramped up to the point of like it was just hydrocodone and then you know the oxycontin and stuff like that. And it was just like I was yeah, I was already struggling with addiction and then the night that I was assaulted, it was just like and the night that you were assaulted, were you living on your own?

Speaker 2 12:24

were you living with your family at this point?

Speaker 1 12:25

so at that time I had a boyfriend and he was just like polar opposite of what I was, but I felt that that would be good for me. Like he was religious and he was very clean cut, like, oh, this will be good for me and I can go live with him so I can get out of my parents house and I cannot be around all the same people and you know, maybe this would be good for, like, my drug use, because I won't be able to be around people that can get me drugs all the time. So I moved in with him and he lived with his brother. His brother had bought the house. I lived with both of them and so their grandmother had died and she lived in Wisconsin and I had just started a new job because I had just moved there, like not that long ago, to move in with my boyfriend and I had gotten into a car accident and I dislocated my hip and broke my collarbone, so now I also have like incredibly easy access to opioids.

Speaker 1 13:19

It was bad. When I think about this time now is like I was already busy doing so much self-destruction. But this is like embarrassing to admit, but I just feel like to really paint this picture. I was already busy doing so much self-destruction. But this is like embarrassing to admit, but I just feel like to really paint this picture. I was cheating on him all the time. I just knew I wasn't happy, like I was so—he was a good person and he did not deserve that.

Speaker 1 13:37

But it was just like I just needed to hurt, I guess myself, anybody around me, like anybody that wasn't miserable, was my enemy. I don't think he had any idea how bad it had gotten. You know, like I like I had lost my job, uh, and I, so I just started a new job. I was literally falling asleep at my desk because I was on opioids and then using cocaine in the bathroom to try to wake up. I was just completely out of control. But I was living with my boyfriend and his brother and you know his grandma died, oh, him and his brother were gonna go, and then I was gonna be at the house alone, like I remember, that night. You know his grandma died, so him and his brother were gonna go, and then I was gonna be at the house alone, like I remember that night, obviously you know very clearly, but it was just like any other night until it wasn't it was a Tuesday and they had left on Sunday and they were gonna be gone till the following Sunday and you know, like I had work that day and I mean I was still using drugs like obviously all day.

The Night of the Attack

Speaker 1 14:23

The minute I got home I was just getting high and stuff like that. And after a while of, like, just nodding out on the couch. I was like, well, you know, I'm going to get upstairs and go to bed. I dozed off and I have no idea if, like, I woke up because I heard something or if, I don't know, that wizard part of your brain kind of goes into action of, like you're in danger. I have no no idea. But, like I realized there was someone standing in my hallway and it was very dark, like so, so dark. It's like I had, you know, blackout curtains in my room and everything, and I had the door open, like, and I woke up and I realized there's this man standing there, or you know, just a person.

Speaker 1 15:02

At first and I'm like, what are you doing here? Like, why are you here? And then I, like I remember telling him too, like this it's inappropriate that you're here. Like I don't. I don't know why those are the words I chose and he, like then he stepped a little bit closer to me and I realized like he had something in his hand, but I couldn't tell what it was, and he said I'm here to see you. And I was like, okay, well, this is you know. And then I gave my address and I was like I don't think you're in the right place. And he was like no, I'm here to see you. And that's when I was just like, oh, he's not here to rob me, you know, because like he could have done that. So then I'm kind of thinking, do I know this person? Did I upset somebody?

Speaker 1 15:45

And then I sit up a little bit and like, finally, like, from where he was standing, like the light hits, like what's in his hand? And I can tell it's a knife. And that's when I was like like, oh, like he's not here to see me, like he's here for somebody you know, like, and it just happens to be me, and he like comes into the room and you know he's at the foot of my bed. I'm, like you know, trying to keep the covers on me and he has like a backpack on and he sets like the knife down and he takes his backpack off and he sits down on the chair and I start telling him like I don't know where my purse is, but like you can have everything in it, and I had like 20 bucks or so on my nightstand. Have everything in it. And I had like 20 bucks or so on my nightstand. I was like you can have that. And I was like take whatever you want. And I was like this is just a misunderstanding, you can go, like it's okay, it's just a misunderstanding, you can go. And he was like what you know what if I? What about if I stayed? Like I can't stay, like I feel like as women, we're conditioned to, like we know we have to be nice to men to keep them calm, you know, and because we don't know how they react to us. And so I was like well, you know what can I help you with? Like what you know, what do you need? How about you stand up for me and see what, what kind of fun we could have? How about you just stand up for me?

Speaker 1 16:56

I tried to stand up and just like stay as far away from him, obviously, and he's like no, no, like come over here by me. I start to hear this like clicking sound in the room, like just like over and over again, like it was my teeth chattering, like I was shaking, just like so intensely, like without realizing it, without you know, it was just like a reflex. And and then, like my neck was like soaking wet and I realized like I'm sweating so bad and like I'm shaking to the point of like it hurts. So he says he told me to take off my shirt. You know, at first like I'm still trying to do the thing of like no, no, no, this is like a weird misunderstanding, you know. So I was like I don't have anything on under this, like I can't do that. And he's like I know, I know, Just take your shirt off. And he was like my underwear stands up and like, and he like he had a hoodie on and he put the knife like in his hoodie pocket and like I just kept telling myself in my head like I need to know at all times, like where that knife is.

Speaker 1 18:35

I had no end plan. I had no, this is what I'm going to do, so this is how I'll get away. It was like I'll survive this moment and then I'll survive the next moment and then you know, hopefully maybe something will happen to where I will live tonight. I'm alive, the second, I'm alive, the second, I'm alive, the second. And that's that's all I had. Like that's all I could keep telling myself.

Speaker 1 18:55

He's standing in front of me and he was like lay down on the bed and and I do like on my back and he's like no, no, like I want you to turn over. And at that point I figured like he was going to rape me, but it was like, more than anything, I was like, oh, he's gonna kill me. That's why he doesn't want me to see what he's doing. You know like he's gonna kill me. You know like I can feel like every like my neck is soaking wet, my back is soaking wet like I'm sweating. I was just terrified. I was so confused. I had just had a niece and a nephew born and I remember like the only thought I had in my head was like all I'm gonna be is like a picture to them and I'll just be like a story of like their aunt that they had, that they didn't know. They would have to tell people like you know, oh it's because she was murdered, you know.

Speaker 1 19:40

Then, like I feel him get on top of me and I can tell that I can tell that he's naked because, like I can, like I don't feel any clothing on him. Like the next thought I had was like I was scared he was gonna like rape me anally and like that, like I was just so terrified because, like I don't engage in anal sex, like I have never done that, and I'm just thinking like how painful this was about to be, you know, and also thought about how, when I was a kid and my aunt's boyfriend, you know, had molested me, and I remember like saying in my head too, like such fucking bullshit, like I've already went through this, like why, why, you know, and I've been on like such a path of like self-destruction since then and, you know, your lizard brain just keeps telling you like to survive, you like do everything you can to survive. Like he finishes and he gets up and I try to like roll over so I can also like cover up and he's like no, no, stay there. And again, like all of a sudden it's that big, like I'm gonna die now because like he's got what he wanted. You know, clearly he's not here to rob me and I just remember thinking like, yeah, maybe I will just like stay here, like laying on my stomach, because I don't want to see him, I don't want to watch him as I die.

Speaker 1 21:03

Then I could hear like there was a guest room like right next to my bedroom and I could tell like he was going through that room and there was like a mini fridge in that room and I could hear him like opening up a can of I think it was just beer in that fridge and I could hear rustling sounds like he was eating, like there was like chips and stuff in there and I was just thinking like this is just how, like you know, my mom would say these terrible things and like physically abuse me and then act like nothing was wrong and we'd all have dinner together and I was like and this man just did this to me and now he's just like eating chips and drinking a beer. And then I can hear him coming back into the room. He sits down in the desk chair or whatever. He's like why don't you roll over? Like let me look at your face, like I want to see how pretty you are, and it was like maybe I can talk my way out of this. You know, like we can have a conversation and I can make it go my way somehow, some way, and like I sit up and you know, I asked him, like do you need anything?

Speaker 1 22:02

Like can I? You know, like I have some extra clothes here too. Like like I think you might, you might, fit in some of my roommate's clothes. I just assumed, like the backpack he had, like maybe you know, like he was homeless, like and that's just what he was carrying around, and I was like you know, and we have money, and I was like it's not a lot, because I really need to go to the grocery store. So then I'm trying to cover myself up and he's like no, no, no, I want to see you.

Speaker 1 22:31

He has the knife in his hand sitting there at the desk. I'm sure he's making sure I can see it. And he's like you live here alone. And I was like no, I live here with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends. They went out tonight but they're going to come home. And he didn't flinch, like he didn't, he didn't care. He was like I used to go out with my girl all the time, but you know, we just broke up, like we've been fighting, and we just broke up.

Speaker 1 22:54

I want to have a kid and she's not ready to. And I was like, yeah, well, maybe it's a good thing. Then maybe you can find somebody who wants kids. And like I'm literally just talking to fill the air, like just talking and talking and talking. And he's like no, but like I wanted her and you know I'm gonna get her back. I was like you know, maybe you can show up and do something nice for her, like flowers and stuff like that. And he was like, well, should I brought you flowers you put out and I didn't even bring you any flowers like spread it open right away for me and I didn't have anything for you. I have to play, play along, though. And I'm like you know, I don't know a lot of people here in town, like I haven't lived here for very long, be nice to make new friends here. So I thought it might be a good idea and like maybe we could get to know each other after this.

Speaker 1 23:31

Sluts always say stuff like that oh no, I'm just looking for friends, like you know. And then next thing, you know they make really pretty babies together. And he's like how do you feel about having a black baby? Like would you like that? And I was like you know, yeah, like I think they're beautiful, Like black children are beautiful. And I was like but you know, I really don't want any kids Still again, just like talking to fill the air.

Speaker 1 23:57

And he starts like saying did you lock all your doors tonight before you went to bed? And I didn't know, like I thought I did. And I was like I think I did. And he was like how do you think I got in here? And I was like did I leave a door unlocked? And he was like well, I guess I'll let you figure it out the whole time. I'm just like fucking angry that I have to be nice to him. You know he stands back up and he's like well, I guess you're ready for round two. And he's like this time, like we're gonna make sure you finish. I have to just say whatever I have to say to get through this night. And I was like, oh yeah, like I enjoyed it so much the first time, I don't think we need to do it again. And he's like, well, we're going to.

Speaker 1 24:33

I roll back out, like lay down on the bed on my back, and then I go to roll over and he's like no, no, I want to watch you. This time he like put his full body weight on me, like smushing me, and it was just obviously it was like uncomfortable because of the situation in general, but just because of like how heavy he was on top of me and his breath was just it was horrible. It was like I don't know, it was so awkward already, but then even more awkward because of how he's just like smushing me. I remember seeing his eyes a couple times, but even then it was like it was so dark. You know, know, there was no distinguishing features, but he was really really thin and like probably about as tall as me I'm about five, five and like he sounded young and so I was just like maybe he hasn't done anything like this before and like that's why, like this is just so weird. The whole time he had assaulted me like he wasn't using protection or anything.

Speaker 1 25:18

The whole time I'm laying there I'm also just like thinking like all of a sudden I'm gonna feel something sharp or I'm gonna feel this like blow to my head or or just something. But at some point he like tried to I'm on to me in a different direction, like get a little bit higher up, and he like the knife like stabbed me. So I yelled out and immediately he was like I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So then, like it's bleeding pretty good and I can feel the blood running down my belly, like finally, like he gets up and he realizes like you know, I was bleeding pretty good and he's like here you can clean yourself up a little bit. What if we just get you in the shower? Like we'll rinse you off, you know, and that way we can keep going and we keep having fun. But I'm thinking like I want to be as disgusting as possible, maybe if and smelling and bleeding, like you'll leave, you know, and.

Speaker 1 26:07

But then I hear him like go into the bathroom and turn on the shower and like he puts me in the shower. He's like I need you to wash up, like you got blood everywhere you need to wash up. And he's like you're gonna stand in here till I tell you to get out. If you leave, if you try to make a run for it, like I'll kill you. And he's like you know and I know where you live, like I can go back whenever I want.

Speaker 1 26:24

And so like, standing in there and I'm washing and like I can't hear anything at all, and I turned on like the water a little bit, so like the pressure is not so much, so I can hear a little bit better, and I like almost start to step out and like I have one leg out of the shower, one leg in, and he pulls me, like by my hair out of the shower and he like pulls my head back and he holds the knife up to my neck and he said I will kill you, I'm gonna fucking kill you. And he said you're gonna stand here and you're gonna wash until I tell you to get out. I want to keep having fun with you, don't you want to keep having fun? And I tell him, like you know, I'm sorry, like I'm for a towel and he's like you know, that doesn't fucking matter, you're gonna fucking listen to me. The water had been turned down, you know a little bit, so, like it wasn't as loud, I could hear that he was like messing with the sliding door in the living room and so I knew where he was in the house and I knew that like I could, probably I could go, and it was truly one of those things of like before I knew I was doing it, I was doing doing it, and I remember at first, like coming out of the shower and I'm running, and I just remember like thinking like no, like I'm getting the fuck out of this house, like I'm not going to get caught.

Speaker 1 27:32

And then I rounded that corner really quick and went down three more stairs and at this point, like I'm right at the front door and immediately I see him like at the top of the three stairs and I have the front door, I'm just about to get it open and it and it is kind of like open, partially open, and he came up like flying down the steps. Like my adrenaline was just it was pumping and I knew that like if I don't leave now, like I've upset him.

Speaker 2 27:56

Yeah.

Speaker 1 27:59

He's already stabbed me, like he's already said he'll raped me. It is now or never. And so, like he dove under the door and he got it closed a little bit, but I don't know this, like superhuman strength like just took over me. It was like the adrenaline and the fear and the gist of like fuck you, like you are not going to be why I don't live, this is not going to be the end of me because of you, and I swing the door open, but he's still like pushing his weight against it and so like I still can't get out all the way, but I at least have my knee in the door, but he's still like I just hear this like weird noise, like it was like a growl, like I was just this guttural of like, like truly like a death metal scream at him and I was right by his face, like, and he was trying to close the door and I'm trying to get it open, and I was screaming at him and I could feel like spit flying out of my mouth onto his face and like I and I like I think too like how loud I was screaming, and then the fact that the door was partially open did like make him panic a little bit because he did kind of release and it was just enough that I like got the door all the way open and I ran.

Speaker 1 29:06

And I like because I was in such survival mode like I didn't even know I mean, I knew I was naked but I didn't care. I did not care and like I wanted to stop immediately at my next door neighbors, but I'm just thinking like I was too scared again to like look behind me to see if he's there. So I was like I'll cross the street and go to like one of those neighbors and just as I'm about to do that, like I see someone's car, dome light turned on, and coincidentally, like this was the only neighbor that I actually knew and he was like dome light was on in his car and he's like half out of it and he was looking at his phone and I just came running up to him and I just said you gotta call 911. You gotta call 911. Yeah, he jumped immediately into action. He got out of his car and I mean like grabbed my hand and literally like we just ran into his house, like ran and like immediately, like he's like slamming against his door and he locked it and I just sat on the stairs and like I just like I'm sobbing.

Speaker 1 29:58

I was just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and this whole time, like he's on the phone with 911 and and the cops show up and like there's like seven cars that show up, you know it was a shit ton of police. The female officer is like I'm gonna, you know, take you to the hospital and she's like why you get your rape exam done, why you talk to the police and is there anybody we can call? I don't want to call my boyfriend because I'm like he's dealing with his grandmother's funeral and at that point, like my sister and I are very close now, but at that time like we weren't speaking and I wasn't talking to my parents, so it was like I had nobody to call. You know, it was like I was almost like embarrassed too, because I was just like like normal girls are like good people, or good girls would have somebody to call that care they would have somebody to call that care they would have, like good parents or somebody that showed up for them.

Aftermath and Police Response

Speaker 1 30:48

But like how do you tell a stranger like I don't talk to my parents because they're terrible people by the way, like I'm a drug addict so I don't really have friends and it was just so embarrassing. And so then I go to the hospital, I talk about everything with them. I like go over pretty much the whole story. The first thing the cop says was are you sure this isn't just like a mad ex-boyfriend? How do you there's no such thing as like the perfect victim but like theoretically, like the kind of rape that I endured is like the one in a million. You know it's like so statistically low and like I would be like the quote-unquote. You know it's like so statistically low and like I would be like the quote-unquote perfect victim. I didn't know this guy. He broke into my home you know I wasn't out, I wasn't drunk, I wasn't wearing a bad outfit, I wasn't being provocative, you know what I mean. Like I was in my own home and I was attacked, so like. But even the quote-unquote perfect victim still has to endure questions like are you sure it wasn't just an ex, even if it was like, is this still not horribly traumatic? Am I worthy of your time, officer? You know so I tell him like no, I didn't know this person. He thinks that he was watching me, at least for a couple days, to know that nobody was going to be there or that, you know he could tell that I've been alone because he had me take the shower. They didn't get a comprehensive dna profile. I mean they had, like they check everything you know and like check your pubic region, and they didn't find anything there, any hair that wasn't mine. They said that could be a litany of things like he could shave or could have just washed off in the shower, but they didn't find anything. They had nothing like I mean they asked all my neighbors if they ever saw anything, any weird behavior, any suspicious cars. Nobody really said anything along those lines that they'd seen anything weird.

Speaker 1 32:28

It was just like he literally disappeared after he I mean after like I was able to finally come home where he cut me, like I ended up meeting three and a half stitches, three stitches. Like it wasn't a very bad, like big wound and I like I said I don't think he did mean to stab me, but like I had to have surgery because when I had the like stitches put in I don't know, the skin was too taut and so I don't know it had caused complications like in my belly button. I know a lot of people meant so well, but they were like I hope that you know more time goes on but you'll have less and less things that trigger you and I'm just like I have this daily. This is a daily reminder that I have. Like your body is the crime scene. You know, it's been a long time since I've like I did go to the support group after and I met like very lovely women there and but there was nobody else who had been like through a rape like mine, like they which I'm not saying that was any less traumatic or anything like that, but they had all knew who their attacker was. So it was like that was also kind of like isolating, I don't know. It also kind of made me a spectacle. Like in the group they almost kind of said like oh well, what you went through like makes mine seem like not that bad and it's like I'm not like here for that, like I don't want to hear, like I I'm here for like the camaraderie or like the understanding. There you can win something. This is not what I want to win, like I don't.

Recovery and Finding Freedom

Speaker 1 33:43

Right after that day, like I got drug free and like, oh my god, my life turned around and I like became such a great person, but it's a big thing like addicts will have like a you know like a rock bottom moment or something, and it was like I had so many of those. It was just like the final culmination of so many of them. I had lost a lot of friends because I'd stolen from them, like either drugs, or I'd stolen from their parents or, and it was just like a sudden realization of like I will just keep losing people, you know, and like I don't have family to fall back on. Like I need these people that I like have made my family, you know. And I went to rehab immediately. I remember like the first or second day of like therapy. Like I went to rehab immediately. I remember like the first or second day of like therapy like you have you have group therapy, but then like the one-on-one therapy, and they were just like you know what are some of the issues that you think caused you to use drugs. I was like, where do we start and how much time do you got?

Speaker 1 34:35

Getting clean obviously was a big help in terms of like making peace with everything that happened to me. But I think, more than anything was like I used to be so obsessed with this idea of like I was gonna find him, like I was gonna figure out who did it. I don't know how I was gonna do that, but I don't know I would remember some event from that night. I would something would come to mind where maybe I'd remember his face now or something you know, and I was just literally consumed by this and I don't know.

Speaker 1 35:02

It was more like nobody ever tried to like talk me out of that, like everybody was very understanding, like I don't know what peace feels like and I don't know if I've ever known what that feels like and I was like but I fucking better, like I'm 26 and I can't keep going through life like this and I can't. I'm miserable all the time, you know. So it was like a mixture of the rehab, the cultivating better friendships, making, making amends, through all the shitty things I'd done. But also I had to get very honest with a lot of people in my life. I had to tell my sister the horrible things that had happened to me. And the night that I told my sister like hey, this happened. And then, you know also, ariane's boyfriend did this to me. Like I told her everything. That was like the first night.

Speaker 1 35:45

I slept unmedicated and I don't use sleeping medications now, like I've never had to thank God, but like since then, but it was just like the freedom, the release of, like I don't carry this anymore, like I refuse to like be a shelter for like men's shame and men's embarrassment and men's shitty manage, like stress management and emotional skills, and like I just am not gonna do it anymore. And I was just thinking of, like you know, if a friend had told me they went through this, like what would I tell them? I would tell them, like this isn't your burden to carry anymore. Like I can, I can let it go or I can be dragged around by this forever. And it was. I just didn't want to do it anymore.

Speaker 1 36:25

Like this happened to me. I know it did, whether you believe it or not, and I don't carry around men's shame anymore. My body's not a crime scene anymore, it's my home. When I think of him, I don't even think of like there was a scary man out there that raped me. It's. I think of like how old was he? You know? I think of did his friends think he's funny? Like did he have pets? Like, was he a libra? Like is he what's his favorite food? Like I don't and I don't know why. Those are the thoughts that I have, but it's like before he was just this. Like like enigma, this dark cloud.

Speaker 2 37:07

No, you know, you remember and recall in such detail about what had happened to you in that time. It seemed like he was a bit deluded in his own head, and the way he perceived the whole situation where he himself may have not seen it as rape but rather as a consensual thing, the way he was addressing women, like you know, maybe it had something to do with his childhood, maybe it had something to do with the things that led up to him doing that as well, right, and so maybe to an extent somewhat humanizing it or knowing a little bit that there was somewhat of a reason. Again, it doesn't make it any better, but it kind of humanizes, like it, you know it. What are your thoughts, though, on things like on the concept of like forgiveness? Do you feel like it's important to forgive? Do you feel like you've forgiven him? I?

Speaker 1 37:53

I haven't forgiven him because there has been no sorry, there has been no right, like uh, no attempt to fix what he did. But then, at the same time, like I've had thoughts, just like what you said, like, did he think that somehow this was an encounter that I enjoyed? Like I don't, I don't need to forgive him to be whole or to feel whole from it. I don't think about it every day and I don't think I mean, I guess I think about it every day, but I don't think about it in a way of like god, I hope he's suffering, I hope he's miserable.

Speaker 1 38:21

So, like you're not, holding on to the anger aspect of it anymore, but like you haven't forgiven him, but that doesn't mean that you're holding on to that anger and letting it drive you no not anymore if I like was to ever get the chance to like talk to him, I'd want him to know that, like I don't know, I guess I want him to know like I don't think about you, like I obviously like I do, because you will right, like it's a human thing, but like I refuse to let you, and like how you terrified me take up any more than my life like yeah, I don't think about you and I can only imagine that like how sad and lonely your life must be because, like happy, healthy people like don't do that, you know, and I was on like one hell of a path of self-destruction, like when you assaulted me.

Speaker 1 39:07

I know how much I hated myself then. I can only imagine how much hate you have to have to commit an act like this, that it's like I did so many terrible things and like in addiction. I would never want somebody to judge me like based on the worst thing I ever did, but also like the worst thing I ever did was like steal from my dad.

Speaker 2 39:26

It wasn't right, it wasn't rape somebody. You know what I mean, so exactly I don't know.

Speaker 2 39:31

I guess I go back and forth on that and also it's, at the end of the day, like we're. We are humans. So how do we know and how do we judge? Right? I guess it's like you know, having a court system, having laws in place, those, those are, like you know, they really create this ultimate judgment on human behavior. But the truth is, do we have that power, do we have that right to make that judgment about other people?

Speaker 2 39:51

I always feel like the more we hear a person's story, we understand where they come from. Not that it makes their acts worse, but it just makes it a little bit more understandable. That doesn't give anyone a right to violate someone or take away someone else's right to their own lives, but it kind of puts things into certain perspective. For a moment. You can stop and be like this is a result of, you know, something really dark in their own personal lives. And, yes, ideally they would have had the resources to go to therapy, they would have had the resources to learn how to cope with it in healthy ways. But hey, we don't live in that world. Therapy is expensive.

Speaker 1 40:30

I guess the biggest thing I feel now, after talking to you about it all, is like I'm so proud of where I'm at now because I didn't think I'd still be alive.

Speaker 3 40:39

I didn't think I'd live through that night.

Reflections on Forgiveness and Healing

Speaker 1 40:41

I didn't think I'd live through my addiction. I didn't think I'd live through that night. I didn't think I'd live through my addiction. I didn't think I would do so many things. And now it's like I have a great community of people around me, like I'm I've met people from all walks of life and like I don't know. I'm just proud of that because I I'm not sure if I would have been able to do that kind of work unless I did that kind of work for myself for yourself and showed myself that same kind of compassion yeah, yeah

Speaker 2 41:22

jamie, thank you so much for sharing your your story and you know your experience in such detail. I really appreciate you being here and sharing the whole story with us. I genuinely believe that the more we believe that we deserve good, the more we do actually bring that, and here you are standing today in such a positive sort of spirit. So, yeah, I really really appreciate you sort of for doing this with me thank you for letting me talk about all of it and going through everything.

Speaker 1 41:50

I like I found so much purpose in helping other people go through what I went through and even just like helping people in general like is really what saved me I love that I love that.

Speaker 2 41:59

That's so sweet, jenny. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 42:02

I really enjoyed talking to you, though I really did.

Speaker 3 42:09

If you enjoyed the episode and would like to help support the show, please follow and subscribe. You can rate and review your feedback on any of our platforms listed in the description. I'd like to recognize our guests who are vulnerable and open to share their life experiences with us. Thank you for showing us we're human. Also, a thank you to our team who worked so hard behind the scenes to make it happen. Stefan Menzel, Lucas Piri the show would be nothing without you. I'm Jenica, host and writer of the show, and you're listening to Multispective perspective.