091 Molested by my uncle: Antwan Frazier breaks the silence

Antwan Frazier opens up in this raw, emotional interview about the truth he buried for years. As a child, he was molested by his uncle, a trauma that resurfaced through haunting dreams. At 21, Antwan confronted his abuser in a moment of rage that changed his life forever. Through mandatory counseling and deep self-work, he uncovered disturbing truths, but also the power to heal.

Today, Antwan stands as a voice of healing, hope, and resilience, helping others who carry hidden trauma of their own.

You can find his work on: https://thefrazierbrand.com/

Transcript

Great-Grandparents’ Structure And Hidden Abuse

SPEAKER_02 0:04

Every six months we're in a new school. Mother always put men above the kids. So men were more important than our own warfare. There were family members who wanted him arrested, other family members, and they were protecting him. And I can remember walking in up in the middle of the night because someone was pulling my pants down. And it's just like I remember just closing my eyes real tight, just thinking it was a bad dream. You know, if someone picks on you, you gotta fight. Someone calls you a name, you gotta fight. I know I like females, so why am I having these weird dreams? This man made me give him a blowjob. And then told me, like, you passed out. I have never passed out before. So that was kind of my wake-up call. Everybody goes through trauma, but don't let it define who you are. I was born in uh Santa Ana, California, raised um all over. My mom, she how do I say this? Every six months she wanted to move. So I was like, it was kind of difficult because moving for me, you know, me and my siblings was difficult because every six months we're in a new school, or every year we're in a a different school. Home life wasn't good. Uh mom was an alcoholic, she got into drugs. Um that point we were sent to go live with our great-grandparents, and then that's when things kinda got out of control where uh me and my brother and my sister, we were molested by a great uncle. And then that kind of just from there just I became that rebel, that rebel kid, just doing everything bad. I played a role that the family gave me. So if I was a bad seed, I played the bad seed too, the best way I could. You know, getting in trouble at school, getting suspended. I didn't know until I was saying in high school, because I kept having these weird dreams in foster home group home. And during that time they sent me to a therapist who kind of unraveled everything for me, like you were molested, that's why you're having these types of dreams. So it it just and I kind of figured like this great uncle, I didn't like being around him. I just didn't know why then it's gonna come to find out that's what it was.

SPEAKER_01 2:29

You mentioned that your mom was moving around a lot and you were all it's a family moving together with her, and obviously that kind of creates a very unstable childhood. And every time you started to get kind of comfortable in your space, you guys were up and out. Was the reason for moving because of relationships that she was getting into, or because her work was requiring her to move, or was it just a personal choice of hers?

SPEAKER_02 2:51

I would say it was a different relationship. Our mother always put men above the kids, so men were more important than our own welfare. I can't even tell you how many times I was told to call someone stepdad, or how many times men were coming in and out the house. So it was just like very, you know, very it wasn't stable, but at the same time, it was kind of no that's what I knew.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

Well, what about your birth dad?

SPEAKER_02 3:17

I have never met him. There's stories that go around that the day I was born, he was at the hospital, he helped me, then left. And then by the time I was 22 years old, then he finally wrote me a letter explaining everything. So his his explanation was him and him and my mom didn't get along. I wrote him back saying it didn't matter if you guys didn't get along. You and her getting along has nothing to do with you being my father. And then that I wrote him back and that was it. I told him, I'm good, I'm 22 years old. At the time I was angry, so I told him, What can you teach me now? He just he never wrote back.

Family Secrets, Denial, And Discovery

SPEAKER_01 3:50

I wonder what that sort of did to you and your siblings for in terms of that feeling of being wanted. You know, I think I think one of the most important things for a child is to feel wanted by their parents. When you don't have that from your parents at a time when you need someone the most and you're being neglected time and time again, what kind of did that do for you and your siblings? Did you three bond as as siblings and did you kind of kind of find that in each other, or were you were you also pretty isolated from your siblings?

SPEAKER_02 4:19

Well, we got along pretty good. My other two siblings, they have the same dad, so their dad was constantly in their life, and then he would be there for me. So my last name is actually his last name. So that's how they kind of included me in everything. I didn't know at the time. For all the way until I was 18, it was kind of a cycle of lies. So when I became 18, graduated high school, joined the army, I had to go get my birth certificate. That's how I found out who my real dad was. So it was one of those things that my mom should have told me, you chose not to tell me. And then, like, we have this, well, we have a non-existent relationship right now because it's like I can't have someone in my life that's gonna constantly lie. I have my own kids, I can't have you be around my kids if you can't be honest with me. It's like you have, you know, like I told my mom, you have never been honest with me. But my siblings, they they've had that relationship with their dad, and I had that relationship with my stepdad, but it was different. And you tell, you tell it was different. I knew something was different about us three because I came out a little bit darker. They have the same complexion. There is something not right there, but as a kid, you don't question it. Someone tells you something, just go with what the adult says.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

It's like you spent 18 years of your life kind of questioning it, and you know, you you're listening, you have moments where your gut is telling you something else, but then at the same time, you're being told on the outside that no, this is like better not to ask questions. I can imagine that being really difficult for you.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Yeah, it was it was uh a shock. I would say the minute I joined the military was that minute that I just kind of disappeared. I think it was a good, I don't know, three or four years that I didn't talk to anybody in the family. I just needed that myself time. It's kind of like off the grid. Nobody knew anything until I called. And in my mind, it's like you can say you love someone, and you know, for 18 years I was lied to, and then this is what you're showing me love is, and then I get into foster care, foster home, I see love as a different thing. So it's like, do I want that toxic love or do I want someone to be genuine, real with me?

SPEAKER_01 6:17

Now, you talked about like your mom then eventually sending you off to your grandparents. Was there any reason for this?

Confrontation, Blind Rage, And The Trial

SPEAKER_02 6:24

She had no choice. She had got uh arrested for drug possession. So we wanted to live with our great-grandparents. No, I I can honestly say that that was a good portion of my life because it was stability and it was structured. Like my great-grandpa Saturday morning, six o'clock, wake me and my brother up. Let's go. He would take us to work with them. So it kind of got you know, that kind of started developing the work ethnic and stuff in me, the discipline. So that was a good time in my life, and then you know, my great-grandma would just, you know, she would cook for us, and then um, you know, during some time we'll all sit down and then they'll just pour words of wisdom into us.

SPEAKER_01 7:07

Do you feel like that's the thing that kind of set that foundation a little bit for you to sort of even overcome and go through that healing process, like those kind of, you know, little lessons that you were being injected with at the time?

SPEAKER_02 7:18

Yes, it does, because even to this day I still think about those lessons. Um, I tell my kids those lessons.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

How old were you when you were when the three of you were sent?

SPEAKER_02 7:27

I was in either the second or third grade.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Okay, so fairly young. How does your grandfather uh your great-granduncle sort of fit into this picture? Did he was he living with them at the time?

SPEAKER_02 7:38

Yes, he was. So my great uncle is my great-grandmother's brother. So he had his own room in the house, so he stayed with them. And at the time he wasn't working or doing no, at the at the time he wasn't working. He was a retired uh Vietnam veteran. He had got a shell shock, was injured, so he had a hundred percent disability. He would travel from Orange County, California to LA County, LA County, and then he would go to other states too. So we would see him for a week and then probably won't see him again for the next month. But it's just that's just his that was his thing. But come to find out there's there's more to why he did what he did. Like why you only seen him certain times. What was that? I was 21 when I confronted him, and I threw him down the flights of stairs, I got a shovel, and I hit him with it about three or four times. Got arrested, went to trial, three-year trial, and to come to find out, like the reason he was gone for like weeks at a time because he wasn't just doing it to us. He was wanted in LA County, he was wanting in the state of Oklahoma for doing the exact same thing.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

And his target was always little kids.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

Yes, and it was always kids in the family. Well, I don't want to say he was smart enough, but he was he had enough sense to know not to mess with kids from a different like I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

So they were always like his siblings, children or you know, cousins' children's. Did he have children of his own?

SPEAKER_02 9:11

No, he didn't. No children, he was never married.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Do you think that this was sort of something that developed post military, post-war, post, you know, like a a sign of like PTSD or or something? Or is it something that he always had in him?

Therapy, Repressed Memory, And Triggers

SPEAKER_02 9:26

I can't really say because I I don't know how he was before the war. And when we asked my great-grandma before she passed, she would never say nothing. So I don't know if she knew and she didn't say nothing, or she doesn't want to remember her brother in that light.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

And the fact that he was a wanted person means that there were a lot of other people, family members who had actually reported him. Why why did he never really get caught?

SPEAKER_02 9:51

The reason you said because there were other family members that were willing to hide him. At one point, he did go for like a month and a half and flew out to other family members that we we knew out in Arkansas. And so there were family members who wanted him arrested, but then there's at the same time as other family members who's who thought us kids was making it up and they were protecting him. So that's why he went on for like, I think if I remember correctly, my paperwork said is they could go back at almost 10 years. But I think it's I think it's way longer than 10 years because I was 22 when I confronted him. And at the time I was living at the house, it was like seven, so that's that's at least 15 years. But the state only, state of California only went back 10 years.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

You mentioned that this was also going on with your with your siblings, so this was something that was kind of like happening at home um with all of you. And was it ever something that the three of you ever discussed about or kind of knew about?

SPEAKER_02 10:44

No, we didn't discuss until uh later on as we got older, and then I was the one who brought it up, and then once I brought it up, my brother and sister kind of had similar incidents, and then we started talking to other cousins, and like someone were saying they just didn't feel right around him, other aunts and uncles. I think they knew because they wouldn't let their kids around him. Like, why do you not let your kids around someone if you don't know what's going on? Your mother said that something had happened with her and him. Like, when did he do it to you? Before the war or after he got home?

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah, that sort of put things into a certain timeline. If he was kind of doing this with your mother as well when she was younger, then it'd been going on for a really, really long time. Can you tell me a little bit more about like sort of the extent of how he was going about it and what he was doing? I mean, I know that you and your siblings all were living under the same roof at this time, and he managed to do it sort of secretly in a way that none of you were aware of each other situation. Can you just like if you can remember or recall, like how how was he going about this sort of like at the time?

SPEAKER_02 12:30

So he would do things innocently, like, and he would do it around other people where nobody else caught on. Like, okay, so one time uh we had to go to a banquet, and I was sitting next to him, I got tired, and everybody's at the table, it was a round table, and he just grabbed my head and just like, oh, you lay down and then put my head like right in his crotch area. I was like, that was so uncomfortable, I just put my head back up. And then there was another time where you know my we had get my great-grandparents had guests over at the house. They had to sleep in our room. And at this time, my brother was living, my other grandma had took my brother in, so he was living in in Oakland, California. So I was there, and my grandma said, Go go sleep with your uncle. And so I went in there, and I could remember walking in up in the middle of the night because someone was pulling my pants down. And it's just like I remember just closing my eyes real tight, just thinking it was a bad dream. And it's funny because talking about it now, it's like I knew something happened that night, and I I had said something to my my great-grandma, and she had asked him about it, and he's like, no, no, he was probably dreaming. I I wouldn't do that. So it made me think that I imagine it or was it real?

SPEAKER_01 13:44

You're kind of being gas-lit into thinking that you nothing actually happened. And so you're questioning yourself, you're questioning the whole situation around you. You know, the the adults are kind of you're always told that, you know, adults are the are the ones, they're right, they're older, they're wiser, you have to listen to them. And and so when you're being told this, you're kind of like fighting against your own gut, and you're also doing it all alone, and it's your word versus your great-granduncle. Do you do you recall all of it, or did you at some point sort of bury those memories and try to just push it away? How were you managing? How were you dealing with it?

Choosing Healing, Faith, And Legacy

SPEAKER_02 14:19

So once I got to the group home and I got got into therapy, that's the therapist told me that I have blocked so much of it out, and then like going to therapy, they they started bringing it up and it just awoken something inside of me. Because I started then I started really going in a dark area too. Before that, I was I was doing fine, managing school, getting good grades, and all that. Then I just started going to that dark area because I I start everything just starts to come come back.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

And you mentioned that like before before you were even sent to that group home, you started rebelling a lot. What did that look like?

SPEAKER_02 14:53

If I got grounded or something and I wasn't supposed to do something, I would just do it anyway. My grandparents were old school, so it's like there's a lot of old school values like can't have a girl over the house. At an early age, I was into girls, like second grade, I was already into girls, so it's like kissing girls and all that stuff. So it's just like, again, I didn't know why that was. Later on, I found out because of what I went through. So my body wanted something that I didn't know it wanted.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

When you're when you're being told for so long to suppress emotions, boys don't cry, that the way of dealing with pain for for young for young guys growing up is often to kind of turn to violence, to turn to aggression, to turn to drugs, to be angry instead of feel the emotion. Would you agree that that sort of was the situation for you as well?

Boundaries, Rebuilding, And Sharing The Message

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Yes, because my great-grandparents grew up and they were part of the civil rights movement. Oh, that that era. My great-grandfather was you have to be tough. No, beginning the fight, don't come home if you lose. That kind that's what it was told to me and my brother. So it was just, you know, if someone picks on you, you gotta fight. Someone calls you a name, you gotta fight. That's that's what I learned. That's the era I grew up in. Like it was that kind of tough love. It's what they were taught from their parents. My grandparents tell us my mother got um locked up for drugs. The first thing they say is, like, she had no business doing drugs. If she can't, she went in, came out, got caught for stealing. She had no business stealing. She's gonna do her time. We're not bailing her out, we're not getting her a lawyer. She did the crime, she's gonna do the time. I think that's a good philosophy. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

That's a really interesting sort of like irony in a sense, because your great-grandfathers, on the one hand, is encouraging you to fight, fight your case, but at the same time, it's like, well, if you get caught, if you get in trouble, well, then you're gonna have to do your time and no one's gonna bail you out. And let's just add on to the fact that you've gone through something so tragic and you're you've got this anger inside of you. You're already angry about everything, you haven't had an outlet to get it out. And now you are in this kind of situation where you're almost encouraged to get into a fight. Did you ever find yourself getting mixed up with the police at any point?

SPEAKER_02 17:10

Not until like after 18. From the time I was uh elementary until I graduated, no. No, I never had any encounter. You know, yeah, I was a rebel, I did all this stuff, like no juvie, no nothing. I I I thank God for that.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

And you mentioned that you did join the military at the age of 18, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Yes. Yes, I did.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

So so you're you're kind of in this position where you're still you still haven't really figured out what really is going on. You're having these dreams, which I do want to talk a little bit more about, but you've joined the military and at the same time you're also you know engaging in violence.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Yes, I think um, so I was still in the military in 1999. So in 1999, this is when the incident happened with my great uncle, and then from 1999 all the way to 2002 is when um me going to trial, fighting the case, and just something happened during those three years where everything just turned around for me. It was the support to uh the military, the support of other people, and there are people if I fall, they're there to lift me up. And that's kind of what set me on that right path. Even after 2002, I wasn't fully healed, and that took me down, you know, drinking and you know, womanizing. That was my next phase where I just did a lot of self-sabotage in any good relationship I was in because I didn't feel like I deserved to be in a good relationship. No, I didn't I was broken, I couldn't be fixed.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

What was this incident that happened with your grandfather that kind of said led to this court case? I know you mentioned that you kind of confronted your grandfather. What actually happened?

SPEAKER_02 18:44

My sister had called me and told me that our great uncle had tried to go in the bathroom with my little niece. Um the next day, you know, about six in the morning, I went to his house. He came out the back door, and he looked me in the eye, I looked him in the eye, and he said, What are you doing here? And I said, I looked him straight in the eye, I said, I know what you did to me. The next thing he said is, I don't want no trouble. So to me, that was an omission. I don't want no trouble. Everything was just so built up inside of me at that point, like, okay, I know you did it to me. There's no way you're gonna do it to my little niece. He put his hand on my shoulder, and then next thing I know, I just grabbed him, threw him down some stairs, walked to the rest of the backyard, got a shovel, and hit him about three or four times with a shovel. And left. And to tell you the truth, the only re the only reason I could recount this to you because I had to I literally had to read my the uh court paperwork because if I don't report I don't remember what happened. And I remember the day I got arrested, the cops told me you had uh you had something they call blind rage. I don't I remember being there, but I don't remember what happened after that. I remember leaving. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

Until today, you you're not speaking out of memory, you're speaking from from the paper, yeah.

Credits And Listener Support

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Because I can't, you know, and that's his rec recollection of it. Like he tells the story, like, yeah, we had that conversation, and he threw me, and then he sorry, you know, in his regulation, I started beating him with the the shovel. And so after that happened, I left and he started screaming. My great-grandma came out, he told her what happened. They called 911, called the ambulance. Um, and this is where everything takes uh a turn. So when the ambulance gets there, the ambulance asks him, uh, Sir, do you want to go to the hospital? Do you want to get checked out? He says, No. So it gets me off the case for murder or mass slaughter or anything. Two weeks after this incident, he goes into the hospital with back surgeon. He dies on the operating table if he catches pneumonia, and then that's the only reason I got charged because he wouldn't have back problems if I didn't hit him with the shovel. Then my lawyer said, Well, he refused the medical treatment. Now, if he would have accepted it, you can make a case. But one thing I do recall is that I was calmed up. I know when I left, I know even when I got arrested, my great grandma's orders came back to me. You do the crime, you do the time. So I I had confessed, and we get to the courthouse, they talk to the officer who arrested me, and he said he never made a confession. So it was just like one of those things, even though I could I did confess to the officer, he just because you know he asked me what happened, why did I do it? And I told him, he's like, no. When they charged me, they charged me with a special charge covered called uh corporal punishment because I was still in the military at the time. So it's like he's trained to do that. So I had a special charge on me just for being in the military. When I got arrested, I wasn't scared. I think I was more at peace. And what it was more peace because I knew he was dead, no other kids were gonna lose their innocence. And at that time, I was I was willing to do the time. And my lawyer said, No, we we have a good case. You have mentioned this before. This there's a timeline and nobody believed you. So he said, We're gonna we're gonna fight this, and that's kind of what happened.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard of a case or a situation where someone has actually hurt someone. Yeah, like the courts have kind of taken his side given everything, given the circumstances, given, you know, like the the whole the whole way this manifested was in a way that kind of cleared you. And there was no and the fact that there was no charge for attempted murder or any of that, but in a way I'm so glad that it kind of worked out in your favor because yes, what you did would by by law be considered an act of assault. But at the same time with reason. And I think it's kind of one of the situations where the police understood your situation, the lawyers understood your situation, and everyone sort of came together for almost like for something bigger than just that particular situation itself.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yeah, and I remember like so what they did charge me with was uh elderly abuse because he was uh over the age of 70, so I got charged with elderly abuse. And um when I got sentenced, they gave me three years probation, that was it. And I I I still remember to this day that the judge looked at me and he's like, you know, he kind of gave me a warning. He's like, I don't want to ever see you here again. And he's like, Mr. Frazier, please, no more vigilante stuff. Let the cops do their job. So and the funny thing is that happened, so that was 2002. We're in 2025. Me and that judge still keeps in contact with each other.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

Even you like listening to that, like hearing that, kind of getting a certain validation, getting a sense of kind of like, okay, like they hear me, they they hear me. Like I'm I'm feeling heard and validated at this point.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Yeah, it felt uh felt refreshing. Even on the district attorney side, the the one who was prosecuting me, we had a private conversation, and she even told me, she's like, You have never changed your story. You have told the same story for three years. And she's like, I feel so bad that we had to prosecute you. We wasted money. It wasn't me, it's my boss. Even you know, the whole office is like what what person keeps the same story for three years? You usually find holes in it. She's like, she was she was sad that they for three years, like we kept going through this, getting continuation, postponing it, and she's like, You never changed your story. You stuck to your guns when we talked to other people, everybody's story starting to sound different now. Like, and she they starting to notice that that people were covering up for him, so other people knew what he was doing. And I love what the judge said, but I also love what the district attorney said because she saw, like, you never change, you stood on your same principles from the beginning. Your story never changed for three years.

SPEAKER_01 25:08

That's actually really, really useful for anyone that's kind of gone through any kind of you know abuse or sexual trauma or anything as such where they're you know required to go to court. Being being consistent with your story makes you more believable in a sense, right? Like it kind of validates what you're what you're uh what you're really there fighting for. If you're consistently changing, which I understand it does happen as well. With with time, people kind of lose bits and pieces of the story or remember other bits and pieces of the story. But what that does is that kind of it makes you um sound very you know flip-floppy and it and then it kind of doesn't hold up in court as as well. I know you mentioned that for you your bits and pieces of your kind of memory were coming to light later on in your life. So you're also probably realizing, recognizing, learning little bits of like what actually happened to you at the time, but still maintaining that consistency in court.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Yes. Um so I guess we'll get into that the the dream part.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Um tell me about that.

SPEAKER_02 26:51

Yeah, it's just like again, like I said, like I'm one of those people, like, and I I it was something I had to tell myself too. Like I know I like females, so why am I having these weird dreams? The therapy and everything coming, it's just like the memories were coming out, like like this man made me give him a blowjob. Like I was having dreams about that. Like, why was I having dreams about that? And then it's like, oh, it's just like it it it made sense, but then it didn't make sense to me in a way that I've always trusted females more than I do males, even to this day. And I couldn't understand that, but then it goes back all the way to that trauma. It's the whole judgmental thing. Like in just certain situations, I just don't feel comfortable around certain people. If I hear something about someone, you know, being traumatized or went through what I went through, like sorry, I don't care if you did that 10 or 15 years ago to someone, we just can't be friends. I know we all deserve a second chance, and I think that's that's a prejudice and bias I have to work on. But you know, from my experience, it it shows like when someone does something like that, molest or abuse or rape, it's kind of a thing, like it's not a one-time thing. So it's like it's not something they're gonna stop. So it's just like I just choose to like remove myself from that situation.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

So when these dreams were coming to you, were you kind of were this was during the time you were going to therapy, or did this kind of like be was this the start of you seeking therapy?

SPEAKER_02 28:26

I started having these dreams when I was probably fifth or sixth grade and I didn't understand them. These are like dreams like I didn't understand them, why am I dreaming about other guys? I'm not like that. So it kind of it kind of freaked me out because like it happened to my brother, and then my brother became gay. So it was like, and I'm like, no, I'm not like that. Then when it happened to my sister, she became bisexual. So it's just like this is not normal. So it's just like, no, I know I like girls, why am I having these dreams by guys? Why am I wondering things or stuff just popping in my head? Because I'm not watching gay porn or nothing, so I don't know why these images were popping in my head.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

So it's like this part of you that kind of knew that this was really triggered by something quite dark from a dark place, and it wasn't it wasn't an actual interest. Could it be possible that it was just chained upon the idea of homosexuality by your great-grandparents, and that's why you were fighting it?

SPEAKER_02 29:29

It was my great-grandma, because the minute she found out my my brother was gay, she gave him like a riot act. Let's just put that's a nice way of putting it. So she kind of went off on them. I've they've always known I I dated different girls, so it wasn't for me, it wasn't that, it was just like I see that, and I can't tell I'm having these images in my head, but I don't know why. To me, it was a no-win situation.

SPEAKER_01 29:53

And you and then you mentioned when you were in militaries when it kind of all really started coming out to you. Do they provide therapy? Is that one of those kind of provisions?

SPEAKER_02 30:02

If you ask for it, I didn't ask for it. I used to train in as my aggression. That was my way to get everything out during the training. Whether it was the you know, the M16 training, the grenade training, you know, hand-to-hand compound. That was my that's the way I got things out.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

And was it was it during this time when you were fighting this court case of uh great-granduncle? Was were you already going to therapy at this point?

SPEAKER_02 30:29

No, I had already stopped therapy once I left the group home. I didn't I didn't continue it. But the one thing that did happen was once the court case started, my lawyer, the suggestion was for me to start therapy so they could see that I wasn't making this up, that this was something that actually happened. So for those three years, it's you know, I did go back to therapy while I was actually doing the court case. And then it helped me because it wasn't a therapy therapist I picked, it wasn't a therapist that the DA picked, it was a therapist the court picked. So it wasn't someone who had nothing to gain.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

Oh, right. That's really interesting. That makes a lot of sense. With that unbiased, they're not really with the agenda of trying to pull a certain truth for your court case, for your court battle, but rather they're just merely trying to understand what really happened to you. And so then. You're able to be more authentic and and unravel the kind of things, the ordeal that had really gone on for you.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

And what kind of therapy was provided? What did that kind of look like?

SPEAKER_02 31:31

Her name was Shannon, and I would meet with her one hour a week in her office. And she would just ask me questions, we would just talk. It was weird because this was through court. So the way the office was set up was like white walls, and then you had the metal chairs. Kind of something kind of like something you would see in the movie. That's the kind of way it was. So it carried out from childhood all the way to like to that incident. So it was like three years of just unraveling stuff. Like, how did we get to this point? Remember, her recommendation was that that was my last that was my last option because all the other options have failed me.

SPEAKER_01 32:12

Did she ever go through anything to help you to um understand or to acknowledge some of the repressed memories? Like, for example, EMDR therapy, or what what were some of the ways that you kind of got these memories out?

SPEAKER_02 32:27

I know one time they did um hypnosis on me. Don't know what happened, but uh during that session, she said that's where a lot of the trauma came out. I just know it was reported to the court, and that's kind of what made the court lean more on my side. Even to this day, I don't I don't know the full extent of what was said because that part of the case was just sealed. So there's probably stuff, other stuff that I don't even know about.

SPEAKER_01 32:50

The purpose is to bring these things out for you to start doing that healing process. It was like your brain was like, no, I'm gonna shut that part out. I'm just gonna say what I need to say, but I'm not gonna actually like bring it to your conscious mind that it must have been pretty, pretty bad.

SPEAKER_02 33:06

Yeah, because I I I remember they told me um my lawyer told me after everything that happened, like after that session. Well, he didn't tell me right away. He told me a couple weeks later, when that incident happened, you were already a ticking time bomb. Like it was just unfortunately it was your great uncle, but he's like it could have been anybody. Because he's like, You are you're already ready to explode. He said you held everything in for all those all those years, and everything just wanted to come out. He's like, someone would have triggered you at the wrong moment, it would have been an ugly situation. And he's like it wouldn't even been their fault. It's because of everything you're with your great uncle and your family, just everything which is everything which is building up. You're just ready to explode.

SPEAKER_01 33:49

Can you talk to me about the kind of healing that you went through after this court case was over? Everything was done.

SPEAKER_02 33:57

Um trying to adjust. Trying to adapt to being me trying to find myself again because you got to think for three years I was structured to do, you know, kind of focus on this, couldn't do anything else. So now it's like kind of getting um back to my life. September 11, 2001 happened in the military, you know, because I was already coming up on my the end of my military career. 9-11 happened. This case gets settled in March of 2002. The military is like, what do you want to do? You want to re-sign, you want to stay in, or you want to get out? That's kind of what saved me. Without the military, I don't know where I would be right now. And that's and I tell our people that like after that court case, if it wasn't for the military throwing me a lifeline, I don't know what I would have done.

SPEAKER_01 34:47

Do you feel at this point when they when they'd asked you if you wanted to re sign and you chose to, were you kind of more or less healed at this point? Those dreams still happening? Were you still experiencing you know some of the PTSD from from what had happened to you when you were younger?

SPEAKER_02 35:01

So here's the here's the interesting bit, because you know, even today I'm I'm in therapy because after that happened, those dreams stopped. What happened next was I got different dreams. I got dreams of this man coming after me. I don't want to close my eyes at night because when I close my eyes, I would see his face. It was more of me feeling I have a conscious, and it was more of me feeling remorse. Because again, I knew why he wasn't on his earth, and I think you know, during those three years, I that conscience started to weigh on me.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

Did you did you kind of like re-enter therapy at this point again?

SPEAKER_02 35:40

No, I I I stopped therapy for a long time, and to be honest, my therapy was um the bottle. That's what it was at that point.

SPEAKER_01 35:48

So you were you were drinking while at the same time in military?

SPEAKER_02 35:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 35:52

Is it one of those kind of situations where it's quite enabling in a sense where you're in an all-boys club, right? Like kind of egging each other on and encouraging each other, and you know, or would you say it's quite the opposite, that you were going through that experience quite on your own?

SPEAKER_02 36:06

I was I would say both. The only people who knew what I had went through were um up for leadership. So they they knew. But anybody below that, like they didn't know nothing. They just like I was just one of the guys, I'm just drinking with you guys, but like again, they didn't know like I'm drinking to hide my pain and sorrow.

SPEAKER_01 36:29

How bad did the drinking get for you?

SPEAKER_02 36:31

I I wouldn't say it was bad because I I I pretty much only drink on Fridays and Saturdays. That's it. I wouldn't drink during the the work week at all. And then I wouldn't drink and drive. That was a that was a no-no for me.

SPEAKER_01 36:45

But you still felt a lot of relief from drinking. So at that point, even though it wasn't a daily thing and it wasn't debilitating and getting in the way of your life, it was enough for you to feel this is my source of comfort.

SPEAKER_02 36:58

Yes, it was. It was just something that come home on a Friday, we had a master sergeant who will call certain ones of us in his office, pull out a glass, and then start pouring the shot at Jack Daniels. And you know, so it started in the office.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

So walk me through what happens next, how did that sort of change for you? How did you start to kind of like turn things around and cut the alcohol and start choosing healthier choices for yourself?

SPEAKER_02 37:22

I think when anybody you meet someone, and then it's like you were telling yourself, okay, I'm gonna change for this girl, but at the end of the day, you're you're changing for yourself. Kind of what happened, you know. I think that person saw me drinking and then told me like you passed out. I have never passed out before. So that was kind of my wake-up call, my red flag, like, okay, I'm drinking too much. It was just um the genuine care. And I think uh you could tell when someone's being genuine with you, they care about you, they care about your well-being. And before nobody asked me how my day was or how are you feeling, but when that that that person is taking the genuine care in your life.

SPEAKER_01 38:01

That's so powerful that there can be someone who can come into your life and and really give you that safe space, that feeling of like you can be safe here in whatever you have to say and whatever you need to feel and experience. You can experience it to the fullest of extent in the safe space. And that can be so healing for so many people out there who have always kind of felt alone, who have always felt very unsafe, who've always felt you know insecure in the place that they're in. Um healing to the point where it can turn your life completely around. It can make you decide to make choices and decisions for yourself that can be so helpful. And I think this is so important for our listeners that are listening to this as well to know that we all have that power to make such a strong impact.

SPEAKER_02 38:46

Yes, but that that's exactly right. I wish we had more of that in the world. I recently told someone like ask someone how they're doing. You will be surprised at the answer you get. Like, if you don't ask, you'll never know. Our thing is we assume we know how someone feels. And like, no, just ask them. That communication is key and everything.

SPEAKER_01 39:05

So that incident that happened, you'd passed out from alcohol, you were being made aware of it. What did you do? How did you do that?

SPEAKER_02 39:12

You know what? I it yeah, just quit cold turkey. It wasn't. And I I hear all these stories, and people say, they asked me, I was like, no, I didn't I didn't have the shivers, I didn't have the sweats, but then I when people asked me, I said, I didn't drink beer. I drink hard hard liquor. So I said there's there's a difference with that. So I was fine. Like, not something I crave for a while. I I will get a shot and then drink it, and I'll be fine for like six months. My advice was, you know, womanizing and lusting and not being able to commit. So like alcohol is just part of it.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

So you sort of like made a decision at some point to say, I'm just gonna stop just going for woman and for an experience with with a woman for the sake of it, and I'm gonna try to find someone that I can I can really commit to. How did you go about changing that? What did you do from that point on? How did you turn that around?

SPEAKER_02 40:07

I had a friend invite me to church. That's how everything happened. Um, I remember that day because the pastor was talking about legacy, and he's like talking about people that have kids, your kids are your legacy, and now that they're thinking, like, that was the first time in my life like I wanted to have kids. Like, yes, God, I do want to have kids, I do want to have a legacy, but I need the right person. I'm so thankful and grateful for that because I had to be willing and bit and obedient to figure out why they were putting on certain parts of my life, and that was to help me mature and grow too. I'm not, because of people that have been in my life.

SPEAKER_01 40:44

Yeah. How are your sister and brother now?

SPEAKER_02 40:47

They're good. They kind of got out of the Orange County area. I still live in Orange County, they live in different areas. My sister is the only one who actually has communication with our mother. Me and my brother cut off all communication at the end of time. Like we all have our own lives to live. If one of us needs each other, we'll always be there for each other.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

Antoine, tell us a little bit about where you are now, the work that you're doing, and how are you spreading this message?

SPEAKER_02 41:15

So, right now, um current I currently finish a year and a half of law school. I'm currently pursuing my master's degree in human trafficking. Um, father of three, husband, own a clothing line. How do I spread the message? It's through our clothing line. We I put motivational and inspirational scenes in our shirt, and pretty soon we're about to drop a tank top, and the tank top says, uh, my trauma will not define me. And um put out a survey for it, and the survey came back overwhelming. It's a lot of people resonated with a lot of females resonated with that saying. The first tank top we put out, it kind of sold out. It was called uh fight for your legacy. People, you know, again, they related with that message. We want people to understand, like, especially with the trauma, everybody goes to trauma, but don't let it define who you are. Um, I put out a message today that says, Don't let yesterday steal today's joy.

SPEAKER_01 42:21

Yeah. I love that. Anton, thank you so much for sharing your story and your vulnerability on air with us and being so truthful and honest about everything. I feel like there's so much our listeners are going to be able to take away from your experience. So thank you again.

SPEAKER_02 42:36

Uh thank you for having me. It's been my pleasure. And um, again, if one person could heal from it, then my job is done because I love the space that you have, and I love that that people come on here to not only heal themselves but help other people heal kill also and give them the tools that that they've used.

SPEAKER_00 42:59

If you enjoyed the episode and would like to help support the show, please follow and subscribe. You can rate and review your feedback on any of our platforms listed in the description. I'd like to recognize our guests who are vulnerable and open to share their life experiences with us. Thank you for showing us we're human. Also, a thank you to our team who worked so hard behind the scenes to make it happen.

SPEAKER_02 43:20

Stefan Menzel. Lucas Piri.

SPEAKER_00 43:23

The show would be nothing without you. I'm Jenica, host and writer of the show, and you're listening to Multispective.