All Up In My Lady Business
On this podcast, working mom and entrepreneur Mary Nisi explores the fine line between having it all together—and just losing her shit. She shares how she whole-asses everything from DJ-ing to running her business to beekeeping! And she shows you how resilience, structure, and resourcefulness can create the change we are way overdue for. New episodes on Tuesdays when we're in season. Produced by myAudio Rocks.
All Up In My Lady Business
The Business of Friendship with Melissa Riddle
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In this week’s ep, Mary and Melissa tackle the ultimate high-stakes question: can you mix friendship and business without controversy? They get into the real-life dynamics of planning events and DJing for friends, where discussing discounts and managing expectations can get interesting fast. Along the way, they chat about reading the room (literally and culturally), why experience is the unsung hero of a smooth event, and how the right (or very wrong) song choice can change everything.
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My business is your business. It's all up in my lady business with me. Very niece. Welcome to All Up in My Lady Business today. I am here with Melissa, and we are going to be talking about mixing business and friendship and uh the slings and arrows of that outrageous fortune. And uh talking about how to uh how to treat your DJ with uh dignity and respect and uh trying to understand a little bit how we feel on the other side of the DJ booth. Stay tuned. It's gonna be a wild ride. Hey Melissa. What's up, friend? It's been a minute. It's been too long. Yeah. Literally. I was thinking that today we could talk about like my trip or something and what's going on in the world. And I don't know. Yeah, I mean, we could definitely talk about your trip. Do you have any do you have anything we'd want to you want to get on we could talk about?
SPEAKER_00Um, no, not in particular. I could talk about how much hot glue my daughter has just accumulated piles of on this table. Hot glue? Yeah, she was she was trying to make these stacks of gems and she was just gluing stacks of gems together. What kind of gems are they? Just like like this kind of gem.
SPEAKER_01You know, just like a little bit of Oh, the ones that are truly outrageous. Gem!
SPEAKER_00Gem is lovely. Hopefully the dog doesn't see the postperson. Um, but she'll probably hear him though.
SPEAKER_01I I what I I don't I will have to say though, I am impressed by how r at le on time your postperson is.
SPEAKER_00Every time we have the podcast, the postperson has to come and make the dog go completely ape shit. That is true. The post person always marks twice. The postperson always he's cool. He's cool as hell too, though. I love him. He's super buff and like nice as hell. But he he doesn't use a sidewalk, he walks across the yard, and that makes me a little like I know. It's like I have a following the rules. I have a perfect blanket of snow in my front yard, and then all of a sudden I've got these, you know, that was a very first world problem. But anyway, just aggravate. It's just like use the sidewalk, man.
SPEAKER_01Gets it's also like uh it's also a little bit of like breaking the social contract. Like, you know, like we have the we made the paths. We're we're made we made this non-porous concrete thing that's bad for the environment. At least use it so that there's purpose behind the bad thing that we did. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um anyway, uh, but he is he is adorable and I love him and whatever. Um, he's a good male male man. Uh so yeah, you had a lot of stuff going on this week. I mean, let's just unpack it all.
SPEAKER_01Did we do a recap of the last hot flash dance?
SPEAKER_00I don't think we did that either. Okay. Um and I don't know if you want to get into uh the problem of working for friends or if that, you know, if you're friends.
SPEAKER_01Oh I do think that that um having friends hire you to do things or you work with friends to do things because I always want to work with friends. Like it's, you know, it is uh it is where you want to be like, hey, yeah, like you're a small business, I'm a small business, or you're, you know, a hustler out there in the world and you want to work with those people. But I mean, it's kind of like I don't really like doing friends' weddings, like even like as the company. Like if I if a friend asks me to DJ something, I'll push it off on another DJ. A because I don't want to have to deal with the and it's not even it's more me than them because I'm the one who's making the the boundaries, you know, and if I'm gonna make the bo the boundary porous, that's kind of like they've never done this before. I have. I know what the pitfalls are, they don't.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but basically it just it's like it's like the get curious of it all. It's like before we do this, why are you hiring me? Yeah. Like, you know, because it's like if you're hiring me for my expertise and being, you know, the queen of the dance floor and being able to like program and be dynamic and read rooms, and you want to just basically outsource this to me, I'm your gal. But if you're hiring me because you think that you'll be able to, it'll be easier to manipulate me into doing what you want.
SPEAKER_01And I don't think they will see it that way. So they wouldn't, they wouldn't see it as like manipulating, you know, sure. I don't think they see it as manipulative. I think they sort of see it as like, oh, maybe I'll hire I'll hire Mary because I can be more collaborative with her, or she'll play the stuff I she'll play stuff that other DJs wouldn't play, which is actually true. Um but I I I think on a on a similar note to what you just said, it's like, am I hiring Mary because she owns the best DJ company in Chicago, or am I hiring Mary because my friend owns a DJ company, I need a DJ? And I don't, I don't really care what they have to offer. The uh the worst thing is maybe she'll give me a discount. It always kind of bums me out when my friends ask for discounts because it's like you're literally taking money out of my pocket. Like, and you were gonna pay full price with somebody else and you were gonna gladly pay that other company full price. But, you know, if I give you a discount, like it's like there's no it's a it's a discount for no reason because I'm not gonna do less than I would do for other people. In fact, I'll probably do more than I would do for other people. So maybe you should think about it that perspective is that I'm gonna pay Mary full price because she is gonna do a great job. And I'll I mean she'd probably do a little bit more for me. Like maybe she'll, you know, care more or whatever. And that's not true. I mean, I I I would probably I don't even know what more I could do really for a client that I wouldn't do. I mean, actually, things I would do for a for a friend would be like, I don't, I I will never line up a wedding party for the ceremony. Like I I make it very clear like ceremony is someone else. Like I want nothing to do with order of people walking in, lining them up, telling you how to do it. Like I don't want anything to do with ceremony. And I would probably, I would probably advise on ceremony if they didn't have a planner. That would be probably the thing I would go above and beyond on because if I fuck it up, they're probably gonna be way more nice to me about it. But I would make it very clear, I'm doing this thing I never do. And I think that that's also something, if you're doing something more, you should make it clear that you're doing it more. But that said, it's like, you know, when I do give discounts and it's never like I I mean, you know, like I I mean, I I try to never give discounts if I don't have to. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I really like our sort of policy that we've kind of landed on, which is that like we we just don't discount people, you know. It's like I can I can justify throwing in, you know, uh some some uplights or some you know tubes or a discount on the post on the photo booth. Yeah, something like that, once I already have, you know, somebody assigned. But like there's a reason that we call it talent. And and you know, like we had somebody this week ask about um, you know, well, for you know, this is for a high school fundraiser.
SPEAKER_01And it's like, so you were gonna have to pay for this in some way. Yeah. Also, like, is it in my community? Well, then hire us. Yeah. And it's yeah, I mean, do you want it to go well? Are you looking for what we have to give? Because, you know, you can't go to the caterer and say, this is a high school fundraiser. Don't charge us for the food.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know, like why is it so much easier to wrap their head around a tangible object than it is the actual blood, sweat, and tears of the human who's actually doing it?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And and the yeah, the experience that they have, the ability to anticipate issues and make sure that those issues don't make everybody have a shitty time, which results in them not giving you any money. So, like, let's think about it.
SPEAKER_01And it's also the difference really between like a person at the beginning of their career and a person who's 20 years in. When I was early on in my career, I did shit for free all the time. All the time. And I did a and I did it gladly because for the most part, almost everything I did for free, like came back to me in some way. Like, you know, and I I one of my knacks, and this is kind of the same thing true with hot flash dance, is I liked putting DJs where there weren't DJs before. Like that was, and I feel like that was kind of one of my things when I when I got my equipment, I'm like, I got all this equipment, where can I do it? And I'm like, my friend has a their work is having a you know, an event. I'd be like, Can I DJ that? I DJ'd at a Sephora. That's like a whole thing now. Yeah, but I I was like, hey, I was at a Sephora and I was like, hey, can I come in and DJ on the weekends? Like when I'm not working, and they were like, okay. And so we so we I DJ'd at like, well, toast and jam DJs. It was me and other DJs who were cycling through, but we DJed at the old, and it was at and it was at the um, it's one of these things where I'm like, be careful what you what you offer because it was at um Watertower. It was a Sephora at Watertower. Gosh. Which is like a bitch to get to, horrifying to load into. You know, it was, but whatever. It was a lesson learned.
SPEAKER_00You did. You gained experience from that that informed future choices that probably gave you like, you know, sanity and perspective and what to say no to so you could be ready for the next thing to say yes to.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean, it's like when I'm a DJ, when I'm on the DJ forums that I'm on, the endless cycle of where I really see politically the worst people in the world. But uh there'll be people who are like, I got this offer for like a bar, you know, to DJ at a, you know, my friend's barbecue and they're only paying me $150, uh, woo-hoo. And I'm like, well, what happens when you get an offer to DJ a thousand dollar wedding? Like, you know, I learned kind of early on, like I especially when I was doing all this stuff for free in the beginning, like once I started doing all this stuff for free, and then I would get offers for paid stuff, and then I would and I would have to, and I was such a, you know, I couldn't go back to the free person and say, hey, I got offered a free thing or a paid thing. Yeah. I at least I felt that I couldn't make on that.
SPEAKER_00Um I sort of feel like that's something you, you know, you live and you learn to do what you said you were gonna do. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And uh and so then that's why it's like, oh, I have to stop doing shit for free, because when I do shit for free, I still feel this obligation as if I was paid and I'm not getting paid. And there's, you know, and it's not that they're undervaluing it, it's because they don't understand the value of what I bring. And to be fair, in my early years, I wasn't giving the same value that I'm giving now. My heart was in it the right place. I was doing the best I could. Right. But I do think it's fucked up when when people expect a discount from their friends who run small businesses.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I really think it's it's gotta be that kind of question of like, you know, why why do you want to, you know, book me?
SPEAKER_01I mean, and on the other side of it, it's like, or it's why do you think you deserve a discount?
SPEAKER_00Or that too. Explain yourself. But yeah, back whenever I was doing, you know, design, like it was kind of the same thing. Like, I wouldn't would want to be like, are you hiring me because you really appreciate my point of view and my style and my organization, or because you think it'll be cheaper? I didn't ask that question enough back in in those days. Um, but yeah, I should have held fast more.
SPEAKER_01It takes a lot of bravery also to have Yeah. Yeah, I I mean I and I and I I don't want to make it clear to all my friends who I or may are potentially listening. All my all my ones of friends that are listening to this that have maybe taken it, not taken advantage, but I offered free things too. I I really I do love you. But if you'll you'll notice that in the last 10 years, I probably didn't DJ anything for free for you. And I didn't offer discounts. And I was like, thank you for using my small business. It's women-owned, and you know, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um I was just a sidebar that's related um that was kind of interesting that happened this week that I haven't really told you yet. But we had somebody had requested a lady DJ. Um, it didn't make it into the proper part of the planning form, and so they didn't get assigned a lady DJ. And then they came back and were like, because of this, we don't want to work with you anymore. But anyway, so I sent this email that you will you will love. I was like, should I ask Mary about this? And then I was like, no, no, you've got this, like you, you can do it. So what I responded was basically, so what you're saying is that because of an admin, a rare admin oversight, you want to bump a small woman-owned business with largely, you know, woman office uh staff and many lady DJs from your lady birthday party because of a a tiny oversight that can still very much be fixed in a way ahead of time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And for and also frankly, like, you know, the men that work for us are not there, there's few of them and they're and they're by design. Yeah. Like all of our like if if a man makes it, especially now, now, if a man makes it onto our staff, they have they have, I mean, they are an exception, and that's why they work for me.
SPEAKER_00But anyway, the the sort of thing that was so poignant to me about it was like, like, okay, so obviously having a female DJ is important to you. So you're gonna throw the entire lady DJ company under the bus because of one suggestion that didn't make it into a box where Did we did we have any females available?
SPEAKER_01We do.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00So we just happened to assign a male and you know, it wasn't requested, and I saw the music and was like, oh, this is, you know, this is perfect. You know, here you go, guy DJ. And then yeah. So anyway, it was just like this idea of like, put your values where your money is and have a little bit of compassion for the fact that not everything goes perfectly all the time.
SPEAKER_01Why does it have to be absolutely the the other thing is is that there, I mean, I am again 20 years deep into this business, 25 in the industry. There's not that many women. Yeah. So if that is gonna be your you might not that might not be a thing that anybody could fulfill outside this company, you know, like it's possible. Did they just come back? So wait, did they just come back and say, sorry, we're not gonna work with you because you gave us a guy?
SPEAKER_00Or did they like I'm concerned, you know, because of this like administrative oversight that you aren't gonna be like a great company to work for or something, like something along those lines. Like, like I don't think you'll be able to like handle my event because of this, you know.
SPEAKER_01It was a birthday party.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, and an important one, but like an all-girl birthday party. So, like I was very clear, like, no excuses. We should have had this in the right place. We didn't see it, whatever. But like we're still several weeks, you know, like you literally just booked us. So we're not off schedule. All this is is a quick switcharoo. We've retained all, you know, all of the information about this event. Um, it's been transferred to the person who will actually do the event. So I was basically like, give this lady DJ a shot. Meet with them. If you don't feel like you are in the absolute best possible hands, then I'll let you go. Like fine. We don't, we don't want you to feel like we've strong armed you into using us, but put your values where your freaking dollars are.
SPEAKER_01And like, and in their defense though, in their defense is that this is, you know, like the customer service side of that is, and with weddings, I understand it's very specifically. Like if they're gonna make a mistake this early on, they they can they can catastrophize out and say, like, oh my God, if they didn't get this, then are they gonna forget to, you know, do X, Y, and Z? And so it is like it is a very big deal to me when we do have a situation where we assign a DJ and the DJ is like, oops, I forgot to put my availability, or you know, we the, I mean, I or you know, I the the salesperson's late for the or misses the meeting or whatever. Like these little things, these are the cracks that that create the huge problem down the road. So I get that the fact that we missed that she wanted a female DJ is was important to her and that that's what they wanted. Completely. And I'm sure that's part of the reason why you redid the meeting form because there's probably something on there now about it. And that's a and that's another thing. We figured it out. Like, hey, now we've got a thing on there that says wants a female DJ in a box that gets checked versus like, you know, or whatever.
SPEAKER_00It's like, yeah, what do you have any preferences, you know, for your DJ? And you know, that is the box that got missed getting filled, which is why I didn't consider that in the assignment. I only considered, oh, you won a Rager, I got you.
SPEAKER_01But yes, but for a birthday party, it's like, okay, but I mean, you know, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00I it's like there's gonna be something else going on, but if that I'm I guess my thing was like, I'm going to, you know, hold may hold hold up a mirror and be like, if this is actually important to you and you care about not just, you know, bailing uh on a moment's notice because of something that, you know, in the grand scheme of things, has nothing to do with day of, nothing to do specifically with your DJ. Um, and no harm has actually been done. Like, give us a second chance. And also let people try to win you back. Second chances are like a thing that we should maybe be a little bit more open to in this world, potentially.
SPEAKER_01Also, we on our website, we've got like what, two dozen web DJs on there. Like, just because we it's just we assigned you a male. Like, yeah, I mean, there's more. Like, we've got lots of them. Like, it's, you know, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00It's anyway, it was just kind of an interesting one sort of tangent to to this idea of like, why are you booking, you know, a certain, you know, company and and yeah, put your put your money where your mouth is.
SPEAKER_01Well, the worst thing is when we assign a female and then they come back and they're like, um I've I uh I've never seen a woman I were going for.
SPEAKER_00That's always my favorite one. It doesn't really fit the vibe. Okay, so what? It's gonna be like uh your wedding reception is magic mic XXI, you know, yeah. What's the vibe that requires a dude?
SPEAKER_01Or it's I've never heard a woman do MCing, so therefore I can't have like, or they can be the DJ, but can like you have a man come and do the the the I remember we got that not too long ago. Well and it's just like so you so you've never like listened to the news and heard a woman, you know, Lisa Lopez on WBE Z saying the news or whatever, you don't believe the news because a woman's saying it. Like, what the hell? Like shout out to Lisa Lopez. Yeah. Oak Parker, yeah. Oh yeah? Oak Park, I think. Uh back when I was on W, the first radio session that I was on and Loyola, when we lost. I don't know if we talked through the whole radio saga of how this happened, but anyway, we used when I was on W, we had this like a managing agreement with WBEZ where they helped us with our fundraising. And that's why I'm so good at fundraising, is because I was trained by like the head of their what's the word for when you're raising money for things? Anyway, they're a fundraising person. Andrew Argonbright was his name. Am I getting early Alzheimer's?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_01You promise? Themes are hard. Yeah. Anyway, Lisa Lavez came so back when we would do those uh when they we did the training, we had we do fundraisers, we would do on air pledge drives, and we actually had a room with six phones so that we could have people take um donations, and you had to work the phones because this was well before the internet, and so or not before the internet, the internet existed, but like not in this, not you couldn't just do pledge drives to the um to the website. Uh and I did pledge, she she c volunteered to come up and do on air pledge to donation taking. Uh and I got and I got to hang out with her for an entire afternoon. And and and when I tell you that was a thrill, that was a thrill. And then one time she was in front of me at the grocery store, and I she didn't remember my face, and I didn't remember her face, but she was talking to the grocery lady, and I was like, You're Lisa Lavez, and she's like, I am. And I'm like, I'm like, I I recognized your voice, but we met before, and it was like, no, she didn't remember me. But you know, or maybe she did. I don't know. I said I think she did because it's kind of a weird place to meet someone. Yeah. Uh, but anyway, long story short, I don't know how we got on this. Oh, women's voices. So when we have people that will come when they get designed to woman, and then they come back and they're like, um, we want a man. Like, I've I've had them come back and say that like for religious reasons, but like it's a it's it's a Muslim wedding and we need a male DJ. And I kind of feel like that can be a reason to change. But also you came to a woman a company where almost all the DJs on it are women. You didn't look at them, you didn't I mean, and maybe they didn't. I mean, there's a lot of things. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I but it was weird to come to a woman-owned women mostly DJ company, get assigned a woman and then be like surprised.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Totes. Um, yeah, it's uh it's an interesting space to navigate. Like even this week we were talking about, and this is like kind of related and tricky to like talk about and tricky to have like policies around and canned responses, but like, you know, we don't have a a super strong foundation or expertise in non-Western weddings, right? And like even the language around it, I'm, you know, not super informed about. But it's like, you know, we kind of have this pretty solid stance of like, we're assigning your DJ super early, we're gonna talk through everything. So if you have something anything special, whether it's cultural, religious, like we're gonna have. enough runway to kind of work through that, figure out exactly how you want it articulated, just the same as we would any element of your big day. But sort of the comfort or maybe assumption that a DJ who has experience having done those things before would do it better or could do it better. And so we're just kind of working through this idea of like, you know, what is our response to somebody who asks, you know, if we can do like a two-day Indian, you know, wedding with a barat and like all of these other amendies and all that, you know, elements that we don't get asked to do that often. Um and then when you're coming to, you know, training, you know, new DJs, like how much of it can be anticipated, just like again, any wedding? And how do you, you know, talk about it and how do you, you know, like explain that, you know, we might not be the best fit if really the the best part of key thing that you're looking for is experience having done those things.
SPEAKER_01Well I would I would say that, you know, I mean it's very rare that we're doing like a completely like both sides are an ethnic are you know are are culturally not American. And so I think where we kind of excel, in my opinion, what I would hope is that, you know, we're gonna do our best to make these things work together. And so it's like not having to completely learn, you know, an entire Indian like the two days of it all or even the three days of it all. Sometimes we've gotten asked to do that. Yeah. And I think that what the only way you can really train to that is um you know if you ever done it, really remember what you did and know that this is something that, you know, like Jewish weddings, like I can do I am I have been told that I am more Jewish during about weddings than Jewish people are because I've done so many Jewish weddings and I can bring up like are you going into seclusion? Are you doing the Hamozi? Like are you like and I can I can go through and they're like I don't know what you're talking about. And I'm like, never mind if you don't and they're like I wait, should I do these things? And I'm like if you're not if you don't know about them, you don't need to care about them. But like and so there's questions I should ask. And you know and or not like I mean if I could not ask those questions and they could get sprung on me and it's really we should be able to just turn on a dime and be able to pull these things off because they're just versions of introductions. They're versions of toast they're versions of ceremony. And so there's not there's not very many different things. It's like can you do a horror? I'm like I have several horas that is just hitting play in a song. I'm not getting out there and teaching you how to put people on chairs. But I do think that the kind of people that I want working for me are the people that are you know curious that will Google you know how to do jumping the broom how to do uh how to do a horror if you've never seen it like how to do you know the Tarantella if you're doing an Italian wedding like there's things that none of this is a mystery you know none of this is like hidden information.
SPEAKER_00Well that's kind of the approach about any any aspect of your wedding if you came to me and said that you wanted to do you know a flash mob in the middle of your reception or something like that's still a thing that we have to acclimate to consider, figure out what your version of a flash mob is and fit that into the timeline in a meaningful way, recognize how it's going to impact flow if we've talked about that. So like I guess the qu sort of question thing that I'm wondering about communicating around just like is the the value of having experience having done those things when our approach is really about not what it is but how you want it done and why does that have to be different depending on whether it's religious, cultural, whatever. It's just another part of it.
SPEAKER_01Well I think that there's a difference between something that they want to do like like it's something they want to do that's like you know a non-negotiable that they have to do and you know things that I'm like I don't know if that's the greatest idea. And it's three and it's being able to tell them why um and you know setting the expectation like you know we can do an Elvis impersonator and I think that's a fun idea. We can we can have your an Elvis impersonator at your wedding. I think it's gonna be better to have them come during dinner than having them come during dancing. Because if they come during dancing, people who don't like Elvis will leave and that's probably getting most of people because Elvis is an artist that at this point doesn't have he has I mean I guess the movie came out but like no one's requesting more Elvis. Like it's not you know it's not like a thing that happens where you know like when a new trend yeah it's not like when a new Guardians of the galaxy movie comes out and all of a sudden introduces people to a bunch of like fun like Guardian of the galaxy did more for wedding DJs than than you would imagine.
SPEAKER_00So funny.
SPEAKER_01And so it's letting people know because I mean all anything anybody's asking for at a wedding is a version of something we're already doing. And so I think as so for on the DJ side it's like how like what is the what is the version of this that I'm used to doing you know like if it's like a you know like there there's there's something where it's a thing where like pastries are being kind of like whipped around and there's like a thing where it involves cakes and moving them around or something. And I'm like, all right, this is a version of the cake cutting. Okay. How am I gonna like make this you know work? And so it's if you're doing something that's going to disrupt the flow that doesn't like an Elvis impersonator that doesn't have an analogy to a just a general just basic wedding it's figuring out the right place to do it, how long it should be, you know, where you're gonna get the most impact. Cocktail hour is never a time to do anything. Like you cannot do anything special during cocktail hour. If you try to do anything during cocktail hour, no one's gonna see it because everybody's standing usually in big in a big group there's nowhere, there's no focal point. There's no, you know, whatever. But the bigger problem I find with the cultural combos is that usually it's like oh I'm you know I'm from Mexico but you know I I don't really want to have my wedding be like the ever, you know, all the other Mexican weddings that I've been to with my family. Like you can play one or two songs but that's it. I'll will I will honor that. Like if you say you only want two Mexican like two Spanish speaking songs, I'm gonna do it. Two Mexican songs, uh I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna I will play only those two. However, 50% of that wedding has been only knows Mexican weddings potentially. And so they're like where's this? Where's that? How about this song? How about that song? And I'm like I I don't I was only allowed to play this and then they're mad at me because I only have two songs or they're mad at me for allowing this to happen. That's that's the other thing is where they're like how can you have a wedding like this like what kind of D there's nothing that makes my insides turn to dust faster. What kind of DJ are you if you don't do this? What kind of DJ doesn't do line dances what kind of DJ doesn't have you know won't play Paradise by the dashboard light what kind of and it's like I this one this is the one I will tell you Melissa I I don't want you to like because I know you tend to take things personally when I tell you stories that involve you uh but at the last hot flash dance that we did which was an epic incredible throwdown it was truly one of the best nights of my life but there was some women that came up Melissa was on the stage with me and uh I'm telling the story as if there's I'm talking to the audience. Actually I kind of am. So Melissa's standing on the stage with me and there was 350 people at this hot flash dance. It was packed and I I usually put I put down a notebook for people to like make requests so that you know I I just have I mean I'm not gonna it's not a promise again I just want to know what you want. Whether or not I'm gonna play it is up to me. Uh which is great because at a wedding I would have to play it and at this I can you know flip you the double bird and say it's not gonna happen. I would never do that. I love everybody there. Um so this older woman comes up to Melissa and or comes up to you and was like, you know, I'm uh there are actually some what did they say there's some actual there actually are some menopausal women here and I want you to play something that we know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. More or less. Yeah I get well I got a lot of really weird comments that night which kind of made me feel like everyone here thinks they're the only one here in a weird way.
SPEAKER_01But yeah like like we're you were playing like too much contemporary music and they were saying like you know we're menopausal play something we know which is I that is I it is the it is like the the worst way to ask me to play something because hey lady guess what I am also menopausal and this is the music I like. So don't don't act like you're some I mean I am playing what I want to play and I am this I didn't advertise this as a retro night. I didn't advertise this as nostalgia. I I advertised this as like a raging fucking dance party for you know women. That was basically it.
SPEAKER_00That's it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah and it really it's kind of stuck in my cra where I'm just like because what they should have said is can you play ABBA? Can you play Kenny Loggins? Can you play the Beatles? Like don't come up and say play something I can play I I want to dance what offended me about it too.
SPEAKER_00And then I got another comment later in the night that like in my response to it was she's playing the music everyone in this room is asking for you know like by and large what did they say?
SPEAKER_01What did they say?
SPEAKER_00To play more black music and um and I was like you I think you had literally just played like Kendrick or something and I was like okay this is a really big basket um you know but it was also like got just got me thinking about you know pre-requests and like you know getting a sense of like who's actually coming out of this audience, this potential audience because you're at a wedding there are guardrails, you know, somewhat kind of expectations of what the music is going to be like right at least the first 90 minutes and maybe the second 90 minutes is a little more you know couple focused and and contemporary but it was just such a like for I was really taken aback just because of kind of assaulting.
SPEAKER_01It's a kind of assaulting question.
SPEAKER_00It's feeling like you know again as somebody who wants to think that we're approaching things from a very you know broad uh perspective and trying to make everybody in the room happy but you can only you know can only do so much of that. And then it's like when did you get here? Did you get here two hours ago? Did you get here three hours ago? Like do you think that you know everything that we've already you know that you've already played like it was just so loaded and and maybe that was me. Maybe I'm bringing loaded to the party but it was you know I was disappointed because I felt like you were you know when you're you think you're trying to do something and somebody brings up that you aren't doing that for them, you're kind of like okay well what am I doing wrong?
SPEAKER_01That's a different I mean I I almost interpret I I hear that side of it, but I that person also wrote that on the on the on the request book too. And uh and it's um it's I mean this is a delicate conversation and I don't want to tear it and like uh but um I bet you if I did an audit of what I played at least 50% of it was made by people of color. I there's there I mean I am not by any chance just like playing Sarah Borelis. You know like I'm I'm like you know I don't think I did play her at all. I don't think you did um nothing Sarah Borrellis. I could though I could say uh like there might be there's a place for brave yeah come on I see you that'd be that's a kind of a fun say I mean but whatever anyway my point to that is going is that I I was playing I wasn't a I wasn't consciously only paying like white artists if that is you know I don't I don't I don't think I could DJ an entire dance set of only white people. I don't think that's possible. But not without absolutely aiming to yeah and but it's also it's like play black music. It's like I don't I kind of don't know are there black artists that black people don't listen to I like what is like what is your idea of black artists? Was it was it the Kendrick that I played? Was it the prince that I played? Yeah you know like I don't I and I'm in no way am I trying to but and then but then it also makes me now I'm thinking to myself wow I I I probably should factor that into what I'm playing now and I then now I'm gonna have that in my head, which is good. I think it's good for me to like yes yes think that way but just but to say to like a white female woman DJ like play more black music.
SPEAKER_00It's like pay I it's it makes me feel like oh shit am I you know am I I need to check my privilege am I am I the drive is that you want to right you want to play the music that is going to you know at least make everyone in the room feel seen and like what they want to dance to is important to you as a DJ. But then it's so you know the universe of music is massive right and then like just being able to kind of know what you mean by that in you know and sort of again not blaming anyone for bringing up you know what they what they want but like being constructive you know or specific just to give us a little bit more of a direction into what that means for you is you know yeah and admittedly hip hop especially contemporary hip hop is it's not my forte.
SPEAKER_01I'm not gonna lie that hip hop is not I mean I know what I know but it's not I'm a white woman and I and it's not that white women can't like like hip hop but it's really slow music. Like it's like almost all hip hop is like 70 or like no more than 92. You know like it's if and so it's hard music to dance to is that what she meant by black music? I don't know. Yeah, no maybe well but the thing is is that like I mean you know admittedly like the people that come to it it is a lot of white women Instagram out there.
SPEAKER_00And so it is a you know I'm glad when I see people of color that aren't just a bunch of you know middle aged white ladies but that is the room I'm I'm playing to yeah so you know and so and I do I mean and now I'm gonna go back and look at my music and see like what I what I played because yeah I don't know no complex intended but it just was you know these kinds of things that like you bring me into a lot of spaces I've never been before and you know I come to them with kind of some preconceived notions or biases that are you know maybe unintended but part of who I am and then I'm like you know this is different than I was expecting or this is similar, whatever I'm just evaluating. And like I don't know I came to it with this kind of the I've never been to one in Evanston either. So that was like another you know from like my Oak Park to Evanston distinction. FD is it is different. It was different. It was different also that it was like you know nearly twice if not bigger you know even bigger than twice the size of the other you know events that I've done with you. So it was just like it was just interesting. Like it was definitely much more of a like the the sort of f fervor over the book the book, you know, to like write in and like you know it was just it was just interesting.
SPEAKER_01Well and I think people especially when they see other people writing people were they they get first of all when people see the book they're like I can make a request and it's like well no you can give me a suggestion. There I don't take I don't take requests. I take suggestions. They aren't a promise I mean but I actually kind of feel that way about weddings too like I'm not gonna let a wedding get torpedoed.
SPEAKER_00I love your idea of making an actual notebook that says we are going to I made it I actually came up with an idea today.
SPEAKER_01I love it. But I I think the book is good because I that's why I know who I know what this room wants you know or at least I have an idea. So if somebody does write down you know uh 90s hip hop that nothing drives me more crazy because I play a lot of 90s hip hop and I like what specifically do you want? I there's that's 10 years. And it started off with you know run DMC and ended with Tupac. So I don't know like I mean actually I don't have Tupac made it to 99. Did he die did he die in 99? I just watched the Biggie or the the Diddy documentary. Don't watch it it's horrifying but I just I I need I just want artists just say the name of someone I cannot do genre wide because even genre unless it's micro genre unless you're like I want mad Chester new wave like I got you on that one you know but I don't have you you know like it's I I can't just saying like 80s music like my idea of 80s and your idea of 80s can be two completely different things. But that said if somebody does give you that broad of a thing I have enough experience and I can look at the room and I can see like when I the first hot flash sense I did at Evanston because the ones we do in in Oak Park what would you how would you describe the ones in Oak Park?
SPEAKER_00I think having the perspective now like I mean the ones in Oak Park feel like I don't know they weren't that dissimilar. There's they're smaller at Roberts but I think it's like not the next one. Definitely sweatier yeah you know like maybe a little bit more down and dirty. But uh yeah for the most part I mean in my I would say they're edgier.
SPEAKER_01I would say that Oak Park ones have been more have been a little I feel I feel it's easier for me to like play nine inch nails or whatever.
SPEAKER_00Like okay yes that distinction I definitely can recognize now because you you played nine inch nails you you did something else that was like pretty hard and I feel like there was a good response yeah to that.
SPEAKER_01Uh but I I will say because and especially when you have more people there you're getting more types of people it's like I look out at the ones in Evanson and I'm like okay this is more wedding y like I'm not gonna be playing more wedding music but I'm gonna be playing more like I need to be more broad with the genres which is kind of irritating by those ladies because I was like I was really actively trying to play stuff from the 70s till now.
SPEAKER_00Like it was it was an active everyone was there to the last minute. No one was mad. You did an amazing job. I know it was just it was like you know sort of the people that I think you know had a very specific maybe idea of it going into it and when like when they hadn't heard that they were like oh I gotta I gotta take over and you know make sure this goes in the right direction or something. Maybe that's just like having a lot of professional women in the same room that just feel like you know I'm gonna I gotta organize this because it's not going quite the way that I imagined it would go. And then that was you know my part is like Mary's just let Mary she knows what needs to happen. Just leave her alone. Let me cook let me cook.
SPEAKER_01Let her cook you know and it's well but it it's also it's you know it's like I want this and I want it now. That's the other irritating thing too where it's like if like you know like actually was I don't know it's like when you make a request of something like first of all in what in wedding DJ world it's like people will always will almost always have someone at wedding who's requesting the song I'm playing that happens my favorite all the time they'll request the artist that I'm playing. So I'll be playing like you know 24 karat magic and they'll be like can you play some Bruno Mars and I'm like I am I am I am and um or they'll be like can you play something I can dance to like and you know like it but like kind of implying that like I'm not doing a good job and I go turn around sir. Like I I mean I don't like you're you're literally the only person here that's not dancing right now. And so it's you know it's this it's this that you're right. It's like they act like they're the only one there. Yeah. And this is only for them. But in many ways it is for them. So I do want to know I do want to know if you if I'm not hitting the mark because I can try like the only thing I'm never going to try is with country music. Sorry folks I that's just never I'm never gonna go down that road unless it's Jolly Dolly Parton is about it. Sure. But I'm don't lean remix just give it don't and I'm not gonna play metal I am you know like it's not there's certain things that because you can't dance to it. Like you just can't dance to it. And so I and and it's like trusting also my timing because like there's nothing worse than someone coming up and saying hey can you play this song? I'm about to leave can you play it before I leave and it's like why would I want to why would I or just like why would I want to cater to the needs of someone who's not going to be here for much longer.
SPEAKER_00Bounce and out of my party in five.
SPEAKER_01Yeah like I'm unless you're like I'm gonna leave in five unless you hear this still I don't like I don't take threats either but it's like why would I why would I give you what you who are the fuck are you? Like you're leaving why do I want to make you happy unless it makes you stay but even then I don't care because you're getting you're giving me threats.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. We're we would play to people like I was telling Chris about the other day when I was photo booting an event and Allie was a DJ and this guy kept trying to go to the bathroom and then he couldn't like a song would come on right when he thought he was going to be able to go in and then he was like I'm gonna have to keep holding it because I really need to be on the stand. That that's our guy.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01I I if you look we have a to the to the folks who are listening we have a wall of thank you cards in our office and one of my favorite things we get on thank you cards when they'll say like I couldn't pee all night long because you're playing such great stuff. I bet you I bet you if you pull down all those cards that probably said 10 times like it's like yeah I love it. It's my favorite yeah but how did we all start on this friends?
SPEAKER_00Well I think our episode's kind of been like about the challenges of having a strong desire to appeal to our friends uh our different cultures different uh you know perspectives and individuals who want what they want when they want it um and then you know trying to have like a way to do that and maintain you know our our mission and our goals as well as kind of like the through line.
SPEAKER_01Yeah and I wanna I want to kind of button something up because I don't want anybody, any friends of mine who I have done things for free or I have given discounts or anything to like be feeling guilty or whatever. I agreed to it you know like at the end of the day like I agreed to do things. I did a bad job of putting my foot down if I was irritated by it like that's on me. Like it's it's like you can and you know, it's like people are like, it doesn't hurt to ask, and sometimes I do feel like it does hurt to ask.
SPEAKER_00Everything's circumstantial, you know, like you have to look at every situation in a unique way, and you uh I I am a a true believer that you can say one thing one day and then the next day say a completely different thing. You're just making choices based on what you know at that moment, and then that next day things can feel differently and you should be allowed. I mean, it's a a a ding on anyone's personality for changing their mind. But yeah, it's uh like you were saying, like with the friends, you know, side of things is like you you can say yes to things, you can you can say yes to one person and no to another person. You know, it's like you just have to take all of the factors into consideration and then you make a choice. Yes, I want to do that, or no, that feels like too much, or no, that feels like this could impact our, you know, our friendship in a way that is important to me that we don't. And so for this reason, I am you know declining.
SPEAKER_01That is a a lesson that I've I've learned all too well is the you know, friends and money. Cause, you know, I will say that a lot of the times when friendships have fallen apart, it has been over money or things I'm doing for people that I, you know, didn't whatever. It sucks. And I the fact that money can ruin relationships is so shitty. And I'm not saying I'm not above it. Like I I'm sure I've had friendships that I personally have fucked the fucked up over money on, you know, whatever. But it's so gross when you think about the capitalistic side of that too, where it's like, you know, money's not real, right? You know that money is like a thing that we all just kind of made up that has value that doesn't even like we just that that became so clear to me during pan the during the pandemic. Like, wow, like money, like especially when I do when I was getting like those PPP checks, and like, and I would be like, I just got a check for like almost $300,000. And it was like, oh, so you just gave me money, like you just gave me this money. Like it was, it was so weird. I mean, it all got spent immediately on you know, payroll and expenses. It wasn't like it was my money. No, no. But it was crazy that I just got sent that money and I kept getting more checks, you know, that just kept getting forgiven. And it's like, so you could just forgive all of this. Like stuff, like like student loans. You could just forget, you just sell game. Yeah, it really is.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, 100%. Uh, you made me think of a question uh my almost 13-year-old asked the other day, which was like, Oh, they were talking about like the Louisiana Purchase. I she was saying, and like it was like, how did they like buy it? Did they like ship over a bunch of dollars? You know, like, and then that got us thinking about like the Wild West and like Wells Fargo and like train robberies and like all of this stuff, because they used to actually move like real stuff, yeah. And whatever. And and that fact that I didn't really have actual good answers to that question also was like, how did they buy well, I mean territory?
SPEAKER_01The real the real thing to think about is like, why did we think that we owned the land to then buy it or sell it?
SPEAKER_00Like of course.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I, you know, this is a completely bigger topic, but just the concept of like, you know, no person is illegal on stolen land built with stolen hands. Like it's uh like I I and I do believe that this country's gonna be fucked until we atone for those original sins. But whatever, that's a different conversation for a different time.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, uh, we wanna do we want to do good stuff for everyone.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So it's been a week. This has been a rough week. We are taping this uh last week in January.
SPEAKER_00End of January, which has been the most like just wild month.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Uh this this month has lasted 14 years.
SPEAKER_00Truly.
SPEAKER_01And I turn my birthday was yesterday. No, it wasn't yesterday. My birthday was two days ago. Yeah, happy birthday. Maybe Sebastian's was on Tuesday. And also, you know, RAP, I we had a when I was uh in Panama as on the yoga retreat last week, um my my husband called me and he's like savvy, lay savvy cat, one of our cats was not doing well, and like she wasn't even the one that I was worried about. Like Serge, my other cat, is the one who's been having problems. And uh she just basically just shut down in real time and we had to put her to sleep, and I had to like watch it over FaceTime, and it was truly it was probably in the top three to five worst things I've ever gone through was having to watch them put Savvy to sleep. And Sebastian was just wailing and crying, and he never cries. And I was just having to just like I I at one point I'm like, Well, you hug the phone, well, you hug the phone. I mean I was and I was a mess. I couldn't, I was I was not a stoic parent that day. I was John, I was, I don't think I was, and I kept taking screenshots of savvy, and like like there's like you know, the picture is like savvy, and then in the corner is like me looking like Claire Daines in the corner. I'm like, like looking terrible. And not Claire Dane's hot, Claire Dane's as she's crying. He's famously an ugly crier, and I am also an ugly crier. Uh, but it was it was real rough to uh come home and you know, the ways that Savvy was in my life, like she was very diminished. I mean, she was 17 and um diminished. Uh so but she would like every morning she would scream at me to feed her, you know, and she would like sit in the bathroom while I would go to the bathroom in the morning and in the same spot. She would like go to the same spot every, you know, just little things where hit her mark. Yeah. So anyway, R. A. P. savvy.
SPEAKER_00R. A. P. savvy.
SPEAKER_01All right. We were all over the place today.
SPEAKER_00Of your kit cats, the ones that actually would hang out with people.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It's the one everybody knew. Everyone thought it was like they called, like my friend Katie calls Says the bed cat because Sayers just hangs out in my room. And she's like, Oh, that's too bad that the bed cat died. I'm like, no, not the bed cat. It was the cat you know and love. Everybody knows and loves savvy. The least she's ever seen. Yeah, she's an attention whore. So not baby doll. And actually, I got a call yesterday saying that their her ashes were back and her little paw prints we had made. And yeah, I don't, I gotta go get them. I got a couple of those in the house too.
SPEAKER_00Not from cats though, obviously.
SPEAKER_01Oh, from other animals. I'm like, what are you talking about?
SPEAKER_00No, yes, from Jacques and Willem. Um they they're together in the same bag in the closet. I don't know what to do with them. Yeah, I know. Another topic for another podcast. What do you do with your bed sashes?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00But I will miss that.
SPEAKER_01Sprinkle them in the litter box? It's a place that they loved.
SPEAKER_00Well, Melissa, I think we we think we nailed it today. I mean, I'm glad that there was maybe something cohesive about this conversation. Yeah. Uh and uh as always, love, you know, I guess trying to work through, you know, some of the the stuff that impacts uh how we approach business and life and trying to make the world a better place. Yeah. You're the best, Melissa. You're the best. All right. And I can't wait to hear about Panama IRL. Yeah. It was it was magical. Yeah. So we'll tackle that next week. All right. All right. Peace out. Bye.
SPEAKER_01Bye. Thanks for listening to Olive in my lady business with me, Mary Lucy. Uh, we'd love for you to like, review, subscribe, follow us at Olive My Lady Business on the gram. And if you're a female identifying person and you want to dance, you can follow. I mean, everybody can follow us. But if you want to be a part of the magic at hot flat dance party, sign up for the mailbook to find out where our next party's gonna be. And if you are looking for each hotel in the area or anywhere else, you know, money's the same color everywhere. Why us out? Coachingput.com has the best. And listen to my radio show. I have a radio show on TripRadio at trip radio.org. That's Mondays, every Monday, we call it. Today's episode is produced by Shiraz Data Team, composed, and performed by the Shiraz Data. Alright, guys, peace out.
