Why I am Quiet (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about Why I am Quiet & The Undisciplined.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:01 Why I am Quiet
• 14:20 The Undisciplined
• 19:39 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #179 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Why I am Quiet & The Undisciplined.

Why I am Quiet
You didn't listen, and you didn't hear what I said. So, I shut down and became quiet. It became a habit. Later, it became a tool and a weapon. I used it to stop others from invading my invisible wall of protection for privacy. I used it to irk others who wondered and wanted to know me. I had secrets I wanted vaulted. I used it to fight back or take revenge on others. I was a horribly quiet person. And then, I realized the consequences of my terrible habit.

Living in a house of eight where I was the youngest, no one gave me much attention, especially if I had anything to say. Feeling unheard, I shut down. You may think the pandemic shutdown of many places was bad enough, but it was only a couple of years, and it affected the economy terribly. The shutdown of my voice lasted more than five decades! It wasn't total silence because I do talk, but you would rarely hear my thoughts or opinions. It wasn't welcomed at home, so I dared not express my thoughts, feelings, or ideas anywhere. If I did, it was a rare occasion, or I only did it privately.

When I got mad at someone, I stopped talking to them. They had no idea what happened. I would irk them, and I would be happy. One day, I used my weapon on Mom. It went on for a few days. Mom got angry at me and sharply raised her voice at me. "You want to give me the silent treatment? I will give it back to you. See how you like the taste of your own medicine!" Mom stopped talking to me. Indeed, the silent treatment on the receiving end did not feel good. But giving it was a moment of revenge achieved. The satisfied feeling was short-lived. I do it less now, but I still enjoy that small moment of triumph every so often!

The quiet me helped me to listen more than to talk. Many have appreciated my listening ear and called me a good listener. However, my silence has led others to make up stories about me as if they were the truth. Since I was not expressing myself, people liked filling in the blanks with their crafted stories. I got angry at them, but it was my fault for not expressing myself. I often complained about how others misunderstood me, but again, it was my fault for not saying anything. I used my silence as a tool to protect my privacy, but it backfired on me. It caused many misunderstandings. Sometimes, silence is not golden.

Though being quiet is not always good, I discovered it could have been one characteristic that drew some men to me. I have had a number of suitors who pursued me relentlessly until I gave in. I had never thought much about it, but when Lydia, a travel buddy I met many years later, asked me something, I pondered. Lydia shared that she had only one marriage proposal, which didn't even feel like a proposal and ended in a breakup. I was shocked to hear it because Lydia was such a beautiful lady with an interesting personality. She begged to know how I got five marriage proposals. Her question gave me much food for thought because I didn't know the answer. I did not have her beauty or exciting character, so how did I attract those men to want to take me to the altar?

A few years later, I came up with an answer for Lydia, as she still wanted an answer from me! I suspect my quiet demeanor made my suitors curious about me. They wanted to know me. I would share a little. They would want to know more. I would share a little more. Still, they wanted to know even more. So, I shared a little bit more. They kept coming for more. I suppose I was a mystery they tried to uncover, and the more they knew, the more they wanted to know. I was not trying to be mysterious, and I was not trying to be hard to get!

My quiet stance was my way of protecting myself from getting hurt or being taken advantage of. Ever since I was a child and sent to live with my grandma, I armed myself with anything that could protect me from harm. My unconscious and automatic way to protect myself must have been silence. Maybe I told myself that I would not reveal anything to have anyone hurt me.

Explaining why I am quiet may clarify things about me so you understand me better. But who says being quiet is bad? Maybe my world told me that, or others are uncomfortable with silence. That is why people often say, "Emily, why don't you talk more?" "Rrrrrr!" I scream inside. "Why do I have to talk more? Why do you have to talk so much?" I snap back with my inner voice.

Rummaging through some memorabilia, I found an interesting piece of paper I have kept for over twenty years. It was a homework assignment I did for a personal development class. The task was to ask people what they thought were my strengths and weaknesses. I asked fifteen people I knew and wrote down who said what. Some knew me well, and some were mere acquaintances. Still, the answers were mainly similar! 

Though I agreed with the strengths, I never proudly or confidently acknowledged them until nearly a quarter of a century later. The comments as to what my weaknesses were also very similar. Many of them said I was too quiet. Comments included: You are too quiet and appear standoffish. You are quiet, and don't let your guard down. You need to talk more. You are so quiet; it scares people. You keep a lot of you to yourself. You don't talk to strangers or try to be friendly to strangers. You don't initiate conversation or small talk. Your silence makes you unapproachable. You don't look huggable. You don't express yourself fully and leave people with more questions than answers about you. You have good friends, but you need to expand your circle of casual friends. You need to engage in conversation with others more often (socially).

I did the assignment nearly twenty-five years ago. The me today says I was brave to have completed the assignment by asking fifteen people. Who wants to hear about their weaknesses from others?! The task was to ask ten people, but I asked fifteen! Today, I stand up to applaud my bravery.

I imagine I didn't like the answers I heard about my weaknesses twenty-five years ago. However, the me today is not bothered by it. What the respondents said was true. The fighter in me may want to defend myself by explaining why I behaved as I did. I already did by answering the question about why I am quiet. However, as I looked at the list of weaknesses that showed the word quiet repeatedly, my inside voice said, "Wow, you have come a long way; you have improved!" I smiled with contentment. In the next moment, I told myself it only took four decades to show a marked difference from how I was before! I just knocked myself down, but the fighter I am smiled and said, "Let me celebrate!"

Joining a network marketing business full-time twenty-three years ago transformed my weakness: Too quiet. Drawn to the excitement of team building and inspiring others, I joined the business. Little did I know it would challenge me to the core to face my demons and bring me out of my shell of silence. If I didn't talk, I couldn't put food on the table. My life was at stake!

 I didn't know how to approach people, share about the business, and tell them what I had to sell. I felt like I was begging for a sale or help, and the independent me hated asking anyone for help. The task at hand had me cringe every day. I didn't want to do the job but wanted the results badly. I procrastinated because it was too painful to talk to people! The result was earning zero dollars the first year. I only survived from my savings in my previous career. Ashamed for making nothing, the more enormous blow was to my self-esteem or self-worth. I couldn't make a living to support myself because of my weakness: I was too quiet. I didn't want to talk so much that I procrastinated badly.

Fortunately, my courage, creativity, determination, tenacity, resilience, hardworking, relentlessness, self-starter, and goal-oriented strengths helped me persist for five years. I bought books and attended seminars about making sales and how to start conversations with strangers. I immediately practiced the ideas and skills by attending networking events, clubs and anything that had a gathering of people, which gave me the opportunity to talk to many people. I attended classes and seminars; I love learning, so it wasn't a problem for me. I passed out flyers and posted them anywhere that allowed postings; I was hardworking and could do it. I forced myself to talk to five to ten people a day; I could do it because I was goal-oriented. Determined to produce results, I persisted until I got some. I made some money but never became a millionaire as I had dreamed. However, many years later, I discovered one of the most precious gems I got from engaging in the network marketing business.

The quiet me came out of my shell. The quiet me could talk to strangers comfortably. I learned and demonstrated that I could make small talk, engage strangers in conversations, and keep the dialogue going. The skills I gained and sharpened did not become apparent, and I didn't realize the gem I had acquired until I moved abroad. Knowing no one, I once more faced many strangers. Hungry to sharpen my foreign language skills, I found over seventy-five strangers to converse with. Many were hesitant and uncomfortable talking to foreigners even though they wanted to improve their English skills. I met them over coffee or tea and spoke with them for two to three hours. It wasn't until some of my language partners told me I was a friendly and good conversationist that I realized the social skill or talking gem I acquired during my stint in the business paid off. It was a useful and valuable skill, connecting me with more people. And the connection with others is what creates the spice in life and makes for a meaningful life. 

I am still generally quiet and introverted; nothing is wrong with that. With courage and experience, I came out of my shell. I am glad to be able to communicate and connect with others easily. When I feel a need to talk, ask for help, or help others, I will often speak aloud. When I feel misunderstood, I will approach others to clarify. When I hear gossip about me that is incorrect, I will confront and communicate. Approaching over five hundred essays written to express and share my innermost thoughts and feelings in books and speaking some of them in a podcast has become easier and easier. What was once a bad habit (being too quiet) is no longer. I now enjoy my moments of quiet solitude, and I also enjoy talking and connecting with others. Once reluctant, I now seek more communication with others; connecting with others is one of the precious diamonds that create sparkles in life!

The Undisciplined
Grandma, I am going to stay at my friend’s house for the weekend, I wrote. I left my note on the kitchen table and dashed off to take the subway to get to my friend Yasmine’s house for a sleepover with my gal pal and some other friends. I was proud of how responsible I thought I was in leaving a note and telling Grandma where I would be. Perhaps it was the beginning of me exerting my independence at age thirteen. Maybe it was simply that everyone in the house was too busy with their lives to bother to monitor what I was doing with mine. I was undisciplined because I was not disciplined.

Growing up in a house of eight, it became a house of seven when Uncle Ray got married. It made no difference in terms of anyone watching over me. Grandpa worked at night as a cook, so I hardly saw him before bed. Auntie Cassie worked all day and had dates at night. Auntie Tessa, Uncle Holden, and Uncle Rick went to school, had a social life, and did extracurricular activities, which had nothing to do with me. They were all years older than me. Only Grandma was home to cook, clean, and do some sewing work to make an extra income. 

It seemed like everyone had their own life to live, but we’d all gather for dinner on the weekends. Being the youngest in the house, no one seemed to mind me except for Grandma. My weekday was full of going to school by day and going to a foreign language school afterward. By the time I got home, I was to eat my cold dinner and do my homework from two schools. By the time I finished, it was time to wash up and go to bed. While eating or doing my homework, Grandma was sewing for some extra income and talking to me about being a good girl, studying hard, and doing chores at home. Perhaps that was her indirect way of disciplining me. But I never felt restricted or limited in what I could do. The only restraint that held me down was that I was not yet old enough to go to work and get my own place. I didn’t want to be around my uncles who said I didn’t belong in their family. So, while undisciplined, I restrained myself from running away. I knew I didn’t have the money to take care of myself, so I endured.

Perhaps the daily lectures from Grandma instilled values in me that helped me to become disciplined even though no one was directly disciplining me. Many say I am a disciplined and focused person. I know not where the influence comes from or how it was created. Maybe it was my way of caring for myself because I knew I had to be independent. I always said it was a matter of survival. If I didn’t take care of myself, who would? 

When Mom tossed me, the five-year-old me knew I was on my own, and I had to take care of myself mentally and physically. Grandma did, however, take care of my needs for food, a home, and a bed. She added motherly lectures to caring for me.

Maybe my discipline was born out of my determination to survive and show the world that I was independent; it makes good sense to me! I was determined to attend college even though no relative would foot the bill. No one monitored my study habits, but I focused and did all the work I needed to do and got my undergraduate and graduate degrees.

Some say they didn’t know how I could work full-time and attend graduate school to finish in two years. Even my professor said it would not be possible. I refused to accept that and only knew I had to do it because I didn’t have the luxury of studying and not working. The self-disciplined me got the work done.

Later in my career, I dabbled in business, studied to get licenses, and began a side hustle. Again, my friends asked how I could do it. Though I did not say anything, I thought it was a determination that motivated and disciplined me to do the work.

Working another demanding full-time job, many wondered how I could write and publish two books a year on average. It became clear to me that my passion drives motivation and determination. To produce results, I  created time and focused on writing; it required discipline, and I already had the habit of disciplining myself to achieve goals. Perhaps discipline is born from determination. 

I wonder what makes me so disciplined in many things when there was no clear evidence of what led me to such behavior. Though it may be good food for thought, or I could discover it later, in the present, I am glad I have the discipline to accomplish and finish many things I want.

Key Takeaways
Though I am quiet and others have told me to be more talkative, my self-esteem has increased to understand there is nothing wrong with being quiet.

Though I was not well-disciplined growing up, I disciplined myself, perhaps due to my determination to make something of myself! 

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Secrets in the Trunk & The Unnoticed Laundromat. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!