I Loved Him, But... (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about I Loved Him, But... & Have and Have Not.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:01 I Loved Him, But...
• 13:11 Have and Have Not
• 19:33 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #190 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about I Loved Him, But... & Have and Have Not.

I Loved Him, But...     

He  was that man that had a swarm of people around him. People wanted to talk to him because he was very generous in sharing his knowledge and ideas about the business. People wanted to know him because he was one of the successful entrepreneurs who became a millionaire. Many were drawn to him because he was charismatic; you could feel the magnetism pulling you towards him. I was attracted to his kindness and charm. I could easily look straight at him when he gave presentations, and no one would know I had a crush on him. I could glance at him when standing in a circle with other entrepreneurs in a discussion with him, and you wouldn't know I was attracted to him. I could feel the tingles and the chemistry and never planned for anything to happen between us. Most importantly, I kept the secret to myself. No one could know I liked him, but could I keep it a secret forever?

If you needed information, he was happy to provide it. If you needed advice on how to handle clients or bring new partners into the business, he was ready to give suggestions. If you needed motivation to make that next sale, he was there to offer ideas. He was willing to help anyone; he was not selective or selfish with his expertise. It was his generosity in helping others that I noticed first. Then I noticed his face.

He had a manly face that was square-shaped. His thick, bushy eyebrows made me notice his looks because I like thick eyebrows. His nose was small, like a pig's; it was cute and gave me a chuckle. His lips were thin and wide but not too wide. I wondered how well he could kiss with such thin lips. His hands and feet were small, not big and manly-looking like his face. He had a belly almost as big and jolly as Santa Claus; Santa Claus would come to mind if you saw him. He had a head full of hair; I wished I could run my fingers through it to see how thick and soft it was.

Though I enjoyed the weekly informational and motivational meetings, the cherry on top was seeing him and feeling tickled like a schoolgirl. My secret was safe. Then, one day, he said he would accompany me to a faraway location to train my team. No one suspected anything because nothing was happening, and what we did for the business was nothing unusual. He was the expert leader that would help me. No one saw anything strange about it because he was always helping others in training and advising. I didn't suspect anything, either. However, I was trembling inside as I sat on the airplane beside him. The jitters were unnerving; was the chemistry that strong, or was there something wrong with the functions of my body? I couldn't sleep but closed my eyes and hoped the shaking would stop. I didn't dare turn to look at him. It was a bit too close for comfort. Admiring him from a distance was better than dealing with the nervous tension of sitting next to him so closely on the plane. Luckily, it was an evening flight, and we hardly talked as most people slept on the plane. There was no sigh of relief until we got off the plane and my teammates greeted me.

More business trips came and went without incident. More meetings came and went without incident. I continued to feel drawn to him from afar for a few years. Then, one day, he asked to walk me to my car after a meeting. I thought it was only to continue conversing with me, but he asked if he could hug me when we arrived. It was an odd request, but I obliged, and in less than a few seconds, he was French-kissing me. Why didn't I resist him? I was participating, but I did not know what was happening. It was all too surreal, and I got lost in the long, passionate kiss. I had time to stop it, but my lips continued engaging with his. I couldn't believe what was happening. I got woozy. Luckily, he was holding onto me tightly. I could hear his heartbeat pounding loudly and my head feeling faint. 

I didn't see it coming. After feeling the magnetism for several years, the opposite poles finally clasped. Static and sparks flew. I never knew the attraction was mutual. It wasn't just chemistry. The admiration for each other was mutual, too. We got along exceptionally well. Whenever we disagreed, it didn't matter; the disagreements would turn into laughter. Whenever we talked about life, the skies were filled with bright stars as we conversed late into the night. He called daily, and we saw each other nearly daily. Walking to the grocery store or doing errands was as romantic as enjoying a seaside breakfast or strolling on the beach hand in hand together. His most admirable qualities were his nonjudgemental, easygoing demeanor and generosity toward others. He said my brain, meaning my thinking or intelligence, was beautiful. He said he was attracted to my brain and beauty and that I was beautiful inside and out. We loved each other, but it wasn't meant to be.

I loved him, but he was not right for me. Together for years, you would think there would be a happily ever after, but as wonderful as it was, it was also so wrong. Reality told me it was never meant to be.

As a businessman and entrepreneur, he went to sleep between 2 and 4 a.m. and woke up around 11 a.m. His schedule did not work well with mine as I had a job where I woke up at 6 a.m. to get ready for work. Even when I quit my job and went into business full-time with all the flexibility I wanted, I wouldn't say I liked the schedule he made for himself.

While everyone loved his generosity, myself included, it occurred to me that it would be too scary if I ever married him. He made a lot of money, and he spent a lot of money on others. He would frequently foot the bill for dozens of people for lunch or dinner. People took advantage of his kindness, and he allowed it. He said it wasn't a problem because he could always make more money. I was a saver, and he was a spender. I have never forgotten the times I was poor. Seeing how he seemed to throw money away carelessly was seriously scary for a girl like me who wanted and needed a sense of security. 

The day came when he could not pay the office rent because the business was not as prosperous as before. Blind to love, I offered and helped him pay for two months' rent. Though I did not make much money in the business, I always had savings for rainy days and more because I am a saver. The millionaire thought he would make a comeback, but he didn't, and he never paid me back or said he was sorry that he could not do so. This red flag was one I should have paid attention to, but I was too in love. My life had been filled with many adversities; though I overcame them all, I didn't need any I could have avoided. Luckily, I dodged this potentially dangerous path down to hell. Fortunately, I never married him. It wasn't simply about the money, but what hurt more was that he never apologized or admitted the results of his actions. If he couldn't acknowledge the results of his spending habits, no change would come. It would gravely affect me had I married him.

His generosity was one of his strong suits, but it was also his weakness. Whenever someone called for help, usually for advice or information, he would answer the calls, no matter what. It didn't matter what he was doing or in the middle of doing; he would answer the call. If you sat down to a meal with him, he would frequently be on the phone half the time. It didn't matter what time it was; he was there to answer calls and help anyone in need. You would think he was a doctor or nurse on call twenty-four-seven. You could say he was the go-to guy if you ever needed anything in the business. 

Many loved him for his generosity. As a businessman, he was constantly on the phone, in meetings and presentations, and at social gatherings related to business. Anything outside of it would need to take the last seat. Too in love, I had accepted being squeezed between the in-between times, and even then, we were frequently interrupted by phone calls. I tolerated it for years, but as I thought of my future, I realized it was not the future I wanted.

I loved him, but he was not right for me. I was never a priority for him; the business was; I couldn't count on him to be there for me, and I didn't feel safe with him regarding finances. His lifestyle didn't suit me, and I didn't want to continue in his world where he was constantly socializing, on the phone, and working 24/7 with no clear separation between work and play.

He loved me, but I was not right for him. He thought I was perfect and refused to let me go. We continued for more years. I allowed it, but it was my mistake. I told him I was not right for him. I realized his generosity was a mask for something else. He needed to be needed. He thrived on the neediness of others. He had to answer his calls day and night because it made him feel good to be needed. I told him I was not so needy, so I was not the right one for him. I think he needed a needy and helpless woman so he could help her and make himself feel good about himself. I told him all this, and he still did not leave me.

He loved me, and I loved him, but we were not right for each other. I cannot regret what I thought were wasted years of a relationship that went on far too long. How did it last so long? The compatibility, commonalities, intellectual stimulation, and chemistry glued us tightly; they are all memories to treasure. However, his lifestyle was not for me. I said I was not needy like the people he generously gives his time to, but I need a man who prioritizes the relationship first. I need not shed tears because I have beautiful memories and learned many lessons. As Lord Alfred Tennyson wrote, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Have and Have Not                                                                         

Selina has something I want. I want it because I don’t have it and wish I had it. I let Selina know I wanted it, and she suggested the grass on the other side was not greener. She said I had something she wanted, but it was elusive to her. Surprised, I pondered as she did not express herself in many words, and I was left to fill in the gaps between the words. Perhaps there was an assumption that the other understood. Still, for anyone to want anything I had was puzzling as I thought I had nothing worthy of taking. She thought the same, but we were both wrong.

Selina lived with her family, married or not. She liked to cook, day or night. I didn’t care for cooking and lived alone. She’d often invite me to her house, and she would find something and cook up a storm. She said cooking was therapeutic. I found it stressful and usually put a few things together to make a meal. I didn’t like to invite anybody to my home for a meal because it would be too stressful for me to make a meal for any guests. I often saw Selina interacting with her parents and other family members. There didn’t appear to be anything special about it, but I noticed that they cared for one another and took care of each other.

 A family that lives together, cares for, and cares about each other was what I wanted. I always told Selina she was lucky or fortunate to have a family. I gather she did not particularly think so, as her silence told me so when I made such a comment. I can only surmise that it sometimes felt like a burden or heavy responsibility on her shoulders as she had to care for aging parents, siblings who needed her support, and a child who needed her care, too. It appeared they all needed her, the more independent one. Still, I wanted what she had because at least she had love, interactions, and communication in her family.

I didn’t live with my immediate family. I grew up with one grandmother who cared for me for a few years and another who cared for me for ten years. They took care of my physical needs, but I was emotionally a basket case with uncles who told me I didn’t belong and parents who dumped me once at age one and then at age five to my grandmothers. I longed to have a family where I belonged. I yearned for the love and care you would expect from parents, but I never got it. Selina had a bit of something I wanted. I wanted it badly because I starved for love and the warmth of a family I never had. 

Luckily, I enjoyed a little family time when I had dinner at Selina’s house with her family. Her father was like a fatherly figure, who sometimes voluntarily gave me free advice and asked me to invite boyfriends to his house so he could observe and determine if I had good boyfriends. The little I got from Selina’s dad was more than I ever got from my parents. Maybe Selina sensed my hunger and treated me like family. I have a biological big sister, but Selina is like the big sister I never had. She looked out for me and always gave me advice I didn’t ask for. I received her straightforward snaps as sisterly love. Selina is a friend who has helped me more than anyone when I am in dire straits. I couldn’t be more grateful and lucky to know her. 

I don’t think I have much to give her except gratitude. Sometimes, when I share a few things with her, she’d ask for the nitty gritty details because she said she wanted to live it vicariously through me. I always thought my stories were just entertainment for her, but I paused to wonder since she said it more than a few times. Then, it occurred to me that I might have something she wanted. She wanted it because she didn’t have it.

I can go on adventures and take risks whenever I want. I have no obligations or responsibilities to anyone other than myself. I have much freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want and don’t need to consider family. I make my decisions and choices without necessarily considering others. But I say, there is a downside to that. Who cares what I am doing or not doing? No one is concerned. That is the sad story of my life. I have the precious freedom, but it is not filled with the love of a family. Selina has a loving family but not too much freedom. I want what she has, and she wants what I have. Such is the dichotomy of life where we want what we don’t have. However, it also reminds me to appreciate what I have and stop comparing myself to others. We both have things of value and need to celebrate them.

While the grass may seem greener on the other side, there is always a negative to the positive. Selina has a supportive family, but she also has the burden of many responsibilities. I have lots of freedom to do whatever I wish, but I also have the strain of making many decisions and doing many things independently without support.

Too often, I focus on what I don’t have rather than what I do have. Thinking of Selina reminds me to appreciate myself and that I have more than a few worthy things others want. Everyone does, but we need to recognize and acknowledge it. As I discover more about myself and gain more self-worth and confidence, there is no more self-talk about the haves and the have-nots.

Key Takeaways                                                                                              

Though he was not right for me, I loved him anyway, and to have love is precious.

Though I thought I lacked things others had, I also had things others wanted.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories called Mapping Out a Dream & What Makes You Likeable. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!