To Try or Not to Try (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about To Try or Not to Try & Not of Course, a Divorce.

Website: https://inspiremereads.com
Books: https://amazon.com/author/emily-kay-tan.2021_

Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:01 To Try or Not to Try
• 11:02 Not of Course, a Divorce
• 19:16 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #201 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about To Try or Not to Try & Not of Course, Divorce.

To Try or Not to Try

It's full of pointy spikes, worse than a porcupine. However, it will not shoot and attach to your skin to pierce through and make you bleed. You only need to cut it open with a large butcher knife. But be careful; once you chop it open, an odor will leak out, and you will make a face like you ate something sour. "Who wants to try it?" said Dad. Six of my relatives at the rectangular dinner table said nothing. Then I enthusiastically said, "I will." Soon, Uncle Sheldon said, "Since Emily will try it, I will too." 

Uncle Sheldon sounded like an old cereal commercial where no one wanted to try a cereal, but Mikey, a little boy, did. Dad said that once you tasted the refreshing, smooth texture of a piece of durian, you cannot smell its odor even if you tried. That didn't entice anyone but me. I was just a curious twenty-year-old. I tasted it, and indeed, it was cool and smooth. I tried to smell the odor I smelled before the piece of durian touched my tongue, but I could not smell it. It was incredible! It was like magic! But you wouldn't know that unless you tried it. To try or not to try; if you don't, what will you miss out on? If you do, what can you find out? 

Enjoying an apartment of my own as a fresh college graduate, I happily welcomed two young teenage cousins to stay with me for a week while their mom and my mom went on vacation together. I thought it would be lots of fun taking them sightseeing and spending time together since we didn't see each other often and they were from out of state. Little did I know Cousin Janelle would irritate and anger me during mealtime. Luckily, younger Cousin Winnie was not like her older sister! 

Each night, I cooked dinner for my cousins. Cousin Winnie and I ate while Cousin Janelle sat silently and refused to eat. I was livid. I thought she was lucky to have me cook dinner for her for free, but she did not have anything I cooked. I told her I bought the food with my own money and I cooked the food for her. If she didn't eat what I served, she would go hungry. At first, I thought, what a spoiled brat! I hate spoiled brats who don't appreciate what they can get! Cousin Winnie told me that Cousin Janelle liked broccoli and beef over rice and that it was all she would eat.

I wanted Cousin Janelle to be thankful I gave her free food, but she was not. I wanted her to try different kinds of food, but she would not. She would only eat broccoli and beef over rice, which she ate daily. I thought, what a boring life it is to eat the same thing every day! Though I gave in to her desires because I didn't want to be accused of starving her, I was sad about the limited life she created for herself. To try or not to try: Cousin Janelle chose not to try. She was unwilling to try new or different kinds of food. She set her limits. What is she missing out on? There are many different kinds of food in the world. There are many delicious kinds of food to enjoy!

While vacationing in Hong Kong, my friend Ethan asked if I would try snake soup because he said it was delicious. I had never tried it before, so I tried it. The way I see it is that if I didn't try it before, I would want to try it to find out. If I like it, I discovered something delicious! If I don't like it, I will know not to eat it again! If I don't try it, I will never know if I like it.

Happily teaching for over ten years, I was not looking to do anything else. However, a friend of a friend invited me to a presentation about a business opportunity. It intrigued me; like a magnet, it drew me into dreaming of wealth and adventure. Captivated, I returned to meeting after meeting. I joined the network marketing business but spent little time on it as I had a full-time job, and it was challenging to approach others about my business. Since I did little to help myself realize any dreams I envisioned from doing the business, any success was only a distant image. If I wanted any significant results, I would need to quit the full-time, stable job I loved. To take that chance or not, to try or not to try my hand at business, was the question for two years. Taking an enormous risk to try or not to try took much contemplation. However, I decided to try. If I did not try, I would never know. If I did not try, I would never have gains or losses to experience. 

I quit my satisfying career to embark on the adventure. I tried and tried for years and failed miserably, but I didn't regret it. I experienced many things outside my comfort zone; I learned many skills and things about people. I could not have acquired the many gems had I not tried. If I did not try for fear of failure, I would never grow and learn. Because I was willing to take the chance, I grew in strength of character and wisdom only gained by experience. 

My skydiving stunt gave me invaluable gems. Had I not tried it, I would never know. Had I not tried it, I would not have gained a valuable life lesson that continues to empower me and help me forge ahead with whatever I want. Had I not tried it, I would have missed out on one of the greatest life lessons.

There may be many things we don't do out of fear, but because I went skydiving, I conquered my fear for the most part. That is to say that as a human, I still have fears, but that long list has been reduced to a few. I call that improvement! 

How can skydiving do that? It can, and you can only know or feel it by doing it. I witnessed the fear a person had standing in front of me, waiting in line. He paced back and forth ceaselessly. It made me wonder why I was not full of anxiety or nervous tension like him. I began to think I was abnormal like I should be afraid. When we got on the small plane to fly up, I was still excited to dive from the sky. However, when the door slid open in preparation to jump out, my heart started to beat as loud as thunder except in quick thumps. My eyes popped out; I understood and digested the essence of fear. Much fear is created in the mind. We make up stories in our minds as if we know without doing something. We imagine things in our minds as if they were a part of our physical reality. No doubt, the mind is powerful. 

My heartbeat was so loud I thought I was about to have a heart attack. I wondered if I could get a refund and not take the jump. FEAR took over my mind. But I was summoned to get up before I could open my mouth to say maybe I wouldn't step out the door. As soon as I stepped out and rapidly plunged for seventy seconds before floating in the sky, it was nothing as I had imagined. I had never felt so FREE in my entire life. It was a sheer joy; my head was light and void of the weight or pressures of any problems or issues in life. I had never been so free of worries and problems! I found myself immersed in peace, freedom, and happiness like never before.

Whenever I feel an onset of fear about doing anything, I remind myself that I made up some stories in my head or created an interpretation that could stop or limit me. Then, I stop fear in its tracks and move forward to do what I want. The result is a happier me, living life with fewer constraints. All that came from skydiving; I am glad I didn't let fear stop me. If I did, I would have missed out on realizing the power of the mind and using a powerful tool that empowers me.

Traveling alone, moving abroad, exploring new places and cultures, learning something new, jumping from a job to being an entrepreneur, moving across the country for love, and jumping out of my comfort zone all required me to try or do it. Without the willingness to try something or dare to soar, I could not feel and experience living a life filled with abundance. To try or not to try is a choice. However, if you try, you will discover something you never knew or experienced before. What is life without a bit of spice or an answer to a mystery?

Not, of Course, a Divorce

In our beautiful brand-new house that I chose, I sat in one of the soft swivel chairs cushioned with soft light beige cushions on the bottom and tall back. The two chairs faced each other next to the window, looking out into our beautifully manicured garden with fruit trees. It was a perfect spot to have conversations or whisper sweet words to each other. I had dreamed of having such a sitting spot in a bedroom when I got married, and here I was with it in reality. I quietly sat there trembling, waiting for my husband to return home from work. He knew something was wrong but wasn’t clear what it was. He arrived home to pass by the master bedroom, which was the first room, after reaching the second floor of our house. I called to him that I wanted to talk to him. He sat down in the other cushiony chair. He silently waited for me to speak. I trembled a bit, but I finally made the words come out: I want a divorce. With no discussion, he got up and left the room without saying a word.

That was the day I let my husband know I wanted a divorce. It had been seven years since the thought ran across my mind. That day was seven years in the making. He had bought a house long before we married but never lived in it. He was saving it for when he got married. After we were engaged, he told me he told his mother, but according to his mother, he didn’t. So, a strained relationship with his mom began. He wanted to wait until her anger cooled, and I thought of calling off the wedding because he appeared tied to the apron strings. We started renovating the house, which was next door to his mother. I was opposed to it, but he insisted we give it a try. It was too close for comfort for me. Renovations continued, and we did some of it as Hubby was a handyman and wanted to teach me to be handy, too. I learned how exceedingly meticulous he was. I realized that he was more of a perfectionist than I was. I learned how over-the-top anal he was. I thought of calling off the wedding again.

Because the wedding invitations had gone out and all the preparations were made short of the house being ready for us to move in, I decided to proceed with the wedding. It had been a year and a half since we met. The day came, and I was so stressed that I just wanted the day to be over. Hubby carried me over the threshold of our renovated abode while his parents stood side by side, smiling joyfully and watching us; they were happy their son got married. I was glad I survived the renovation nightmares in dealing with the anal perfectionist.

Anson was a wonderful gentleman when we were dating. The nightmares began after we got engaged, and I got to see how anal he was when we worked on the renovations together. I didn’t know that side of him until then and didn’t like it. After we finished the renovations, I thought we would enjoy better days, but I began to see other sides of him that I never saw or experienced before. Nothing seemed to satisfy him because he was an extreme perfectionist. His temper tantrums and screaming lectures for two hours at a time over small things were shocking and unbelievable. His controlling ways were suffocating me. I came from a life of freedom and independence since college, and I never imagined that getting married to Anson would mean a total loss of the freedom I valued so much. 

Throughout the seven years of marriage, the idea of divorce crossed my mind many times, but I couldn’t find myself to do it. The thought of it pained me. I wanted to live happily ever after and did everything I could to make it happen. I tried to satisfy him, but nothing I did was perfect enough for him. The years passed with me trying and trying my best to please him and not let the ugly monster rear its head with temper tantrums and controlling stances. I wanted the marriage to work because I could not accept divorce. Divorce meant failure to me, and I could not accept failure. That was probably the root of why I could not find my way to file for divorce. That belief kept me determined to find a way to make it work; I refused to be a quitter. Everything I tried did not seem to work. He did not change. I was a fool to believe I could do something to make him change his temperament, controlling and anal ways. Still, I refused to give up. I needed a miracle, and then I remembered where I could find one: Landmark Education, a personal development program.

I signed up for one of the courses, hoping it would lead me to how I could make my marriage work. I did not find new ways to deal with my marriage. I found myself and realized I had lost myself when I got married. I couldn’t be myself; I couldn’t be imperfect. My freedom and happiness were important to me, and I wasn’t acting accordingly. I lost my freedom and joy in the marriage. Anson’s controlling stance of where I was and what I was doing was suffocating me. Once home, he wouldn’t leave me alone; sometimes, I needed alone time. For me to sit down and enjoy a bag of chips was not okay with him. To him, I was eating junk food, and I was not skinny. It was alright for him to do it because he was skinny. I didn’t eat junk food often, but the freedom to eat it once in a while was not okay with him. That was just one simple or small example of many liberties lost.

I had to go to sleep when he did, no earlier and no later. I had to turn over my paycheck to him and get a $20 allowance monthly. I couldn’t wear sweats or lounge-around-the-house clothes if we stayed home; it needed to be nice and to his liking. And he was no fashion-forward guy himself! I cooked and cleaned, but he needed to close the lights and use a flashlight to look at the table to see if I cleaned it clean enough. It was all too anal for me. Everyone has their own way of being, but his way of being brought me unhappiness, and I needed to reclaim my life.

After the realization that it was not all my problem or all my fault, and I had tried my best and exhausted all methods and efforts, it was time to face the reality that if I continued to stay in the marriage, I would die an unhappy woman. I had enough misery in my life and did not want more if I could help it. Recognizing that I deserved better and remembering that I am a worthy person because I said so, I mustered the courage to say I wanted a divorce.

I say it is not, of course, a divorce because I believe that just because things don’t work out the way you want or things are not perfect doesn’t mean you need to head straight to divorce. However, if you tried all that you could and were satisfied that you did all you could and it still didn’t work, stand up to the big D word and reclaim your life!

Key Takeaways

Though you may not always like what happens when you try something, you never know if you don’t try.

Though I tried to save my marriage, it ended in divorce, but I was liberated.

Next week, you will hear two real-life stories calledMy Three Greatest Moments of Freedom & 99 Guests. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!