Hello and welcome to episode #244 of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about Holding Grudges.
Holding Grudges
I am the master of holding grudges. I have held on to one for over fifty years. I wasn’t even aware that I was such an expert at it. It took a devastating breakup for me to realize the superglue strength I had with grudges. And then a new grudge popped up to nearly eat me alive with the anger that rumbled inside me. No relief from the pain was in sight. How could I conquer this demon?
I hated my mother. She dumped me when I was five, and I was left feeling unwanted and unloved for the rest of my life. I never felt good enough or worthy enough. No one could believe that I had a mother who didn’t love or care about me. It wasn’t until I got married that all my friends saw Mom. They were astonished at how busy she was, minding all the pearly beads of her white gown instead of attempting to do what she could to help with my wedding. They gasped at her white wardrobe, thinking only the bride should wear white. Mom even asked my friends if they were the hired help who were so mindful of the wedding details. I could only drown my sorrows in secret and contain the horror that Mom could not hide her true colors, even for one day. It was my wedding day, and she managed to effortlessly embarrass me by being herself.
If I ever got a birthday present, my dear grandmother told Mom to get me one. When I went to college, Grandma said I probably needed money, so Mom sent me fifty dollars on my birthday. That was how much I got from her for all my college years. When I was making wedding preparations, Grandma said Mom would handle the floral arrangements, but when they were ready, Mom called me to pick them up and pay for them. I fumed that she hardly took any responsibility for me throughout my life. This time, I decided to do something about it. I called Grandma to tell her what Mom said. Once more, it was Grandma to the rescue. She forced Mom to take some responsibility.
Whenever Mom called Grandma, who was over fifteen hundred miles away, she never asked to talk to me, her daughter. Whenever Mom came to visit Grandma, she hardly spent any time with me, and whenever she got to the airport, she dashed away on the gangway and never turned around to wave goodbye to me. Her actions only told me that she could care less for this daughter she birthed. Though any relationship with Mom could be packed away or dumped, the impact of it could not. It has affected every relationship I have ever had.
My list of grievances could go on and on, but no one cares, so I will not belabor the point. Besides, they have not helped me feel any better. However, fifty-something, mixed with some introspection, alleviated much of the pain I can later explain.
Devin, the man who cheated on me, devastated me with his betrayal. After nine years of togetherness, we suddenly separated. I never saw him again, but he came into my thoughts to haunt me. Numbed and shocked, I could not feel happiness or sadness. I was like the heartless Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. My taste buds lost their ability to taste sweet, sour, or any taste. I lost any joy in eating. Suddenly, my future blanked out into a black hole where I could see nothing. The side effects of this breakup were unfamiliar and puzzling. I couldn’t make any sense of them. I only knew that the man I had seen nearly every day for nine years had suddenly disappeared from my world entirely.
I escaped to an island nation, basked in paradise, and forgot all about him as I immersed myself in a foreign country. However, once a year, Devin appeared in my dreams to wake me up in horror, as he was still in the recesses of my brain. He was always such a kind and generous person. He was so accepting and nonjudgmental. How could he be so cruel as to blindside me? I could not understand. He called me his best friend. He said he wanted me to be the mother of his children. He said he saw us growing old together. He made many promises and kept none. He had good intentions but no integrity. I didn’t know how he could live with his guilt or move on knowing that he hurt me, the one he supposedly loved dearly. I found his betrayal unsettling and unforgivable.
Devin became a dark cloud that hung over me for ten years. I could not find myself to love again. Any relationship after him had no hope for love. Love escaped me; it died when Devin disappeared from my life. And then, one day, I took action to eliminate him from my dreams so I would not wake up in horror, even if it were only once a year. Suddenly, I realized what I had done to myself because of the breakup and what I could do to relieve myself from the trauma. The explanation took ten years to materialize, but it did come to the surface to reveal itself belatedly.
Alana, the woman who promised me a dream job, pulled the rug from under me. Her words, her promises, did not match her actions. I was lied to, and I could not believe someone so kind and giving would betray my trust. Struggling to comprehend and never understanding her actions, I was a ticking bomb; I could explode at any time. The fire within me burned like a wildfire that spread throughout my body to engulf me in fury. This fire burned for two years before the flames began to subside and relieve me from the pain.
I confronted Alana and demanded answers. She was oblivious to my two-year third-degree burns. I questioned how anyone could be so kind on the one hand and so cruel on the other hand. I didn’t know how it all fit into one person, but it did, like there are always two sides to a coin. Fortunately, I sought help with anger management and discovered the simplest yet most profound understanding of anger that stopped me in my tracks. I could later control it and have some peace of mind.
My longest-standing grudge of fifty-plus years did not seem so long as it became a part of me, like a mole always there. The ten-year grudge felt like an eternity, as it was something I was aware of because Devin appeared in my dreams for ten years. The two-year grudge was the shortest of the three mentioned grudges, yet it seemed the longest because the flames kept burning to scorch me daily. The ten-year one only came into my dreams once a year, while the fifty-plus one barely simmered in the background of my life.
As if hit by a lightning bolt one day, I discovered the meaning of holding grudges. I didn’t even know that it was a devious monster that was slowly strangling me until I almost couldn’t breathe. My greatest weakness, holding grudges, could be squashed into smithereens with some effort, and the excavation of its origins would remind me of the high prices paid for holding on to them. They damage and destroy; they could even obliterate the soul and leave a hollow and lifeless human like me to roam the Earth like a zombie.
My simple meaning for holding grudges is the need to be right. Self-righteousness is the idea that I am right and the other person is wrong. How can such a concept have such a stronghold to last years or even a lifetime? I don’t know the answer, but I do know the consequences are detrimental to the psyche. And my soul is in great need of some comfort and peace.
My ex-husband, an example of a most self-righteous person, taught me the detriments of self-righteousness by his example. I am guilty of it, too. But each time I think of self-righteousness and I think of him, it is clear that it does not pay well.
Because my ex needed to be right about every minuscule item and believed he was correct, he argued his stances until his voice was hoarse. Even though I told him his screaming broke my heart and made me love him less, he continued hollering to prove how right he was. The consequence was a divorce. I concluded that he chose to be right instead of keeping our marriage. I learned a grave lesson from him.
I made my mother wrong for sending me away and not loving me. I made Devin wrong for cheating on me and betraying me. I made Alana wrong for not keeping her promises and lying to me. Simply put, I was right and they were wrong. Regardless of who was right or wrong, it didn’t matter because what is more important is what it does to relationships.
My relationship with Mom was severed long ago. She stood by her decision, and I made her wrong. The result was no relationship between mother and daughter. However, I found a silver lining by changing my perspective. Grandma gave me the love and care my mother couldn’t, so I was fortunate I got what I needed from my grandmother.
My relationship with Devin was severed the day he revealed that he had cheated on me. I made him wrong for what he did. I suffered for ten years because he came to me in my dreams and woke me up in horror each time it happened. Worse, I could not date or love again. Fortunately, I sought help through Landmark Education, a personal development organization. There I learned to forgive and released myself from ten years of suffering. I declared forgiveness; I let it go, and relief from all the pain emerged.
My relationship with Alana was severed when I realized she had broken her promise and lied to me. I made her wrong. The result was me giving her the cold shoulder. My ongoing anger was eating me alive, and I did not know how to find relief from it. Luckily, I searched for help through a free five-minute session online with a therapist. She provided me with information and defined the meaning of anger I had never considered before, but it was most insightful to save me and release me from the third-degree burns that nearly killed me. I learned that anger is a feeling we have when we don’t get what we want, but the funny part that I discovered was, who died and made me queen of the world? I am not the center of the universe, and no one is obligated to fulfill my every need. So, my anger subsided.
From holding grudges, I faced the consequences of carrying them. They were a reflection of my pain and self-righteousness. I suffered because I held on. However, once I let go, changed my perceptions, and forgave, the suffering ceased, and relief came. Freedom stepped forward to free my spirit and soul so I could soar.
Key Takeaway: Though I was an expert at holding grudges, I created my misery by being self-righteous.
Next week, you will hear a new real-life story called Comparing One Boyfriend. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments Unleashed, please text someone and ask them what they think about this podcast, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!
