179. Lent - Saying the Quiet Part Out Loud

Parenting has a way of exposing our limits. The moments we lose our temper, feel overwhelmed by the noise, or realize we don’t have the patience we hoped we would can quickly turn into shame. In this episode, we begin our Lenten journey by reclaiming humility, not as self-condemnation, but as truth. Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it’s seeing yourself clearly and letting God meet you there.

We talk honestly about why parenting feels so personal when we fall short, why our culture equates control with competence, and how humility frees us from the pressure to be perfect. Drawing from real parent struggles, Catholic wisdom, and lived experience, this conversation reframes failure as the starting point of grace,not the end of the story.

This episode sets the foundation for the entire series: Lent doesn’t ask parents to try harder, but to lower their defenses, tell the truth, and let God work in the middle of the mess.

In this episode:

• Why feeling overwhelmed doesn’t make you a bad parent
• How humility opens the door to grace instead of shame
• What Lent teaches us about letting go of control
• How honest self-assessment leads to freedom, not discouragement

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

And welcome back to To Become Family with Monica and Renzo. We are very excited to be doing this today. I've decided five seconds ago that we're going to be doing a Lenten series. Oh, here we are. We're going to do a Lenten series. Um, and we're happy that you're joining us. Last year for Lent, it was very fruitful for us. Uh, and it led to a lot of great, it stretched us a lot. We learned to trust more in God's providence. And out of that, a lot of good things have come. If you got to see it speak live, that is one of the things that we we did directly attribute to God providing for us. But this year for Lent, it was put on my heart again, five seconds ago, to we are going to walk with you through the virtue of humility as well as some other virtues, particularly through the lens of parenting. And I just we've had enough parenting failures in the last week to last us a lifetime. So with all the failures that we've had, I thought it's just it would be great to be able to share a little bit of our hearts, but also share how we think the virtue of humility can really change how we see ourselves, how we see our parenting. And then hopefully we could be able to receive more from God this Easter. Uh so we are going to continue to fail through Lunt, and hopefully you're here to fail with us and be kind of okay and open to what these failures can be.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

We've just got a lot of parenting happening right now, and a lot of that happens when you have kids. Yeah, that's not going to be a lot of parenting, but just like a lot of challenges in parenting and a lot of tiny, almost invisible victories happening. And um, we're just being stretched in a particular way in parenthood. So we wanted to talk about that, and then also being slightly seasoned parents. Like we don't we've we've gone through newborn and toddler phase five times now. Um, maybe just share what we've learned during that season, if that's where you are. Um, hopefully, hopefully that's the part where a little bit of our wisdom might come in.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Yeah, so we are not experts, and if anything we say is completely bunk, just leave us a better view. Uh, but we are gonna we're just gonna be honest, we're gonna share and um just be able to talk about our parenting through different particular lenses. These next few episodes are probably gonna lean a bit a little bit more spiritual, so you get a little bit more insight into our spirituality.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

And it's lent. Yeah, that's fine.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Um so let's jump in. So before we start with the before we jump into that, we are I want to talk about the virtue of humility um because I think it's it's powerful that the church starts with Ash Wednesday when it starts Lent, um, a reminder of death and sin. Um and it doesn't really start with a pat on the back of like, oh, you're doing so great. Um and I think for us as parents, we should be able to relate to that because it is really easy for our kids to remind us how much we are failing, um, whether it'd be by their behaviors, by their words, um, or just by like how hard things feel all the time. Um, and I think it's okay. And then the theme for today will be is that it's okay if we feel that way, because the virtue of humility comes with the root word uh hummus, not the chickpeas that you eat, but hummus meaning of the earth, which um I've always liked to think of humility as like a grounding of ourselves, and not just like grounding because you're feeling a little anxious, though you might, but grounding in that you are not grounded in the reality that you are creature, you're not creator, you are you are who you are, and being able to be honestly acknowledge what what you are, your your faults as well as well as your successes. Um, never thinking of yourself too highly, um, always thinking of yourself accurately, uh, thinking of yourself less, not thinking less of yourself, so not putting yourself down. If you are really good at negative self-talk, that doesn't mean you're you are humble. If you are if you are talking down to yourself, that's very different. That's not what we're talking about, humility. More of just recognizing who you are and what you what you struggle with and being honest about that. Um, seeing that through the correct lenses, I think that's an important virtue to be able to build. And as you'll see throughout the series, that virtue of humility requires other virtues as well in order to be lived out well. Um, but at least today, um, when we're talking about parenting failures, I think it's very easy to either want to brush away our failures and feel like, you know what, that's that is not something I would need to focus on. I'm just gonna focus on the positive things, or we can have a tendency of only focusing on our failures and never thinking about like where what is God doing? How are we getting better? How is even though we failed this time, how is better than the last time? Um, so at least for today's episode, we're gonna be working on the virtue of humility uh by being able to acknowledge the times where we have fallen short.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Yeah, and I think you said two really important things that I want to make sure are caught. Um, the first is that with humility, it's this grounding in reality. So you cannot grow as a parent and you cannot form your family, you cannot um, you cannot keep progressing if you don't know where you currently are at. So I think it's really important to be honest and not just try to bypass a certain season, like, oh, once the newborn phase ends, then once toddler phase ends, then once they're not teenagers anymore, then it's like, no, the reality right now is very important. It's very important for you to just acknowledge where you're at. Um, so it's acknowledging the season, it's acknowledging your participation in it and where you're doing well and where you're struggling. So I think, yeah, grounding in reality is really important. And then also that idea of um creature and creator, acknowledging that you are a creature and that God is creator also acknowledges that he has created you. So, like you you are not just like some subpar creature, but he has created you in his image and likeness. So, like there is uh again this invitation to participation with what God has planned for you and why he made you that way and why he made you who you are and put you with the people that he put you with. So it's going to be a grounding in failure, but also like playing an encouragement as well.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Right, because any so that I like the way you worded that, because then any any negative self-talk that we say um that goes against the reality that we were created and have this dignity, his worth that he's bestowed on us, um, is a lie. So any neg any negative self-talk that is talking down to you is a lie because in our humility we should recognize that we have a worth and a value that's given specifically by God to us.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

Yeah. So I think I think those are you said them very well. So I just wanted to make sure that they're just gonna be able to do that. So they're very fast. I want to make sure they weren't messed up.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

So let's jump into five things and keep getting real.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Okay. So we were thinking of how to like present these five things, these common experiences maybe of parents. And my thought was maybe to present them as a way of like maybe this is something that you've said in your head, in your heart, like the quiet thing that you haven't said out loud, or maybe you've texted it in desperation to your spouse at some point.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Maybe we should call the series that saying the quiet things out loud.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Saying the quiet things out loud, maybe. All right. So um the first one is does wanting to hide in the bathroom and or cry in the closet make me a bad parent? And so what we what we were hoping with that is that like because I'm feeling really strong emotions, maybe it is desperation, maybe it is uh frustration, maybe it's this feeling of failure, maybe it's this feeling of overwhelm and chaos and drowning or suffocating. Maybe these are things that I have felt myself. But like, do those big feelings, those traumatic feelings, do those mean that I'm failing as a parent? Like, is that an indicator that this is not going well?

SPEAKER_00 7:16

And I would say 100% it means that you are human. And I think we really quickly forget that as parents, um, especially if we have our faith. So I remember having the struggles when we first got married, that we felt like because we had our faith, we should marriage should come very easy. And I think there's the same, there's a similar trap when you have your faith and you become a parent. You feel like, you know, I have to be a reflection of God's love to this little child. I have to be able to love them with the love of the father, or I have to love them with the Marian virtues. And and we will quickly fall short of that and feel the overwhelm of failure as long on top of the overwhelm of noise, overwhelm of mess, um, overwhelm of like just there's situations that are coming up that you're just like, I never imagined I'd have to deal with this for another human. Um, but I just think it's very normal to feel like I can't do this because I think that's a grounding in reality that like you're not supposed to be able to do it on your own. And I feel like admitting that is okay. And I think that's very hard to admit to people, even people that love you, to tell them like there's days that I just want to crawl to a hole and cry.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Yeah. I I remember very, very vividly, like I can still feel the feelings in my body um as I was a newer mom. I went to school for education. I babysitter extraordinaire, like I did I did so many things with kids, and I was like so patient with them and creative with them, and all these things. So I was like, oh gosh, parenthood is I was made for parenthood, I was made for motherhood, and um it's just gonna be a breeze. And it's I anticipated it feeling so natural and easy, and it was so not, and that was so deflating to like to have it be so challenging that I absolutely question my own worth. Like I'm like, I'm an idiot for thinking this way. Like, shouldn't parenthood be natural? Because like it's just a natural thing. People get married and they make babies and they have kids, and like, shouldn't that shouldn't that progression just like keep going in the natural order? And um, and I was just so uh it it it was a really heavy hit for me for it to be so hard. And not that not that parenthood got easier, but the the feelings of self-defeat have lessened now in learning that like it's it's supposed to be hard because you are forming a whole other human. Like when you're a teacher, when you're a babysitter, when you're a cousin, when you're a sibling, like they're not yours. At the end of the day, like your responsibility is much more minimal in comparison to parenthood. So I think part of it is also just like feeling the weight of the responsibility of like these are my people, these are my humans, and I am, I am theirs, and we are not doing this perfectly. So it can feel really heavy. And I think that um, again, like that's normal because that's true to an extent that like it is heavy and it is a lot, it is a big responsibility. But like Renzo said, you're not alone, and that's not an indicator of failure. Those feelings of heaviness are not an indicator of failure, but a little bit an indicator of humility, like grounding yourself in like this is big.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

I mean, I think that the humility comes in being able to acknowledge and then even share with your your spouse like this is how I feel sometimes throughout the day, uh, without feeling a ton of shame from it. So uh really quickly, guilt and shame are two different things. Um guilt is when somebody does something and feels like I need to do better next time. I messed up, I need to do better next time. Um and shame is when someone says, I messed up and it's because I'm a failure. So like you, you shame is when you attack your own identity. Um, and guilt is when you I when you identify and attack or want to improve a behavior, for example. Um, and I think a lot of times when we have situations like this where we just feel like we completely failed and are feeling like we want to run away and and you know, I need space from them, I can't do this anymore. I think there's a lot of shame wrapped up in that because we are their parents and we're supposed to love them all the time. And we also we we're the only ones that love them the most. So if it's this hard to love them, how's anyone else gonna love them? Like there's just a lot of things like I'm gonna scar them for life. There's a lot of things you could be telling yourself, and if all of those are again attacking your identity, they're a lie, and you're not responding in a way that is not uncommon, and it's also a very human way to respond. So in humility, just admitting like, okay, it's I'm human and it's okay that I that I need to cry, like that's okay. So, number two, what's another common thought or experience that parents can have that they might feel like this is not abnormal, this is not okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

All right, I feel like I'm out of control. They are destroying everything. I'm reacting and I don't know how to fix it.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Have you ever felt it? I don't think you've ever said it to me.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Oh, never. I'm out of control. They're out of control. They're out of control. They break everything, they make messes all over the place.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Um but I feel like you've also sorry.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

No, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

You've also said to me, um, I hate feeling like a monster. And I feel like this is a like that encapsulates what's what was said there of like you they're just doing so many things, and I'm just reacting, and I feel like I turn into a monster.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

Yep, yeah, like a fire breathing dragon. Yes. Just like put the toys away, put your dishes in the sink, right? And so I think again, like this grounding in reality of they are small humans that are learning how to function in the real world and they don't have all the skills yet. That can be very hard and to like live in that in those circumstances day after day. And it is a common inclination to just lose your temper at some point, to lose your cool, to lose your peace, because I thought we've worked on this enough times. I thought I've said it enough times. I used my words and you didn't listen to me. I said please, and then you still didn't do it. So now I'm screaming. And I feel insane here that like no one's listening to me unless my volume is this high. Um, and again, I think that that's a common experience. I think that you can sometimes feel like you're the only one that can't keep their cool when when the kids just aren't doing what you've asked them to do over and over again. But yeah, that grounding in reality of like they are children who are learning, and you are a parent who is strategizing and also learning.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Well, and I think it's funny because I I sense from you the the in the tell me going wrong, the desire to be like, this is the problem, but like this is how you fix it.

SPEAKER_01 13:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

And like I feel like you want to give an answer, which is interesting. I don't know if you do. Tell me like if you feel like to to um because I think maybe it's to not will make you feel so bad.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Like, there's hope.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Well, we're right, no, no, and I think that's important. Yes, it could be because of that. But like I I feel I just feel like for stuff like this, it's so important to realize to admit, like, because I said that you turned into a monster, you're gonna be like, yeah, and like, but this is what you could do, so you don't yell and like no, it's okay. I think it's okay to acknowledge like there's times where we lose our temper. And before saying, like, I you know, it's not okay to lose your temper, this is what you could do next time and not lose it, just acknowledge like there's times where you're going to lose your temper. And like that's human and that's okay. Not saying it's the perf human the height of human perfection to do that, right? I also have a temper, I shouldn't lose it, but there's times I do, and I can't change my humanness and and just desire that like that that leaves right away, and like I can't do this next time. Because then again, then you start building into the shame cycle. Like every time you fail, you're gonna feel like I I thought I was gonna do better next time, and you just keep kicking yourself because of it. Instead of just acknowledging, like, there's times where you lose your temper, and like that's that's okay. You are you're human. Does that make sense?

unknown 14:42

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Well, that's the answer to all of that. No, I just think that like I think a lot of the parenting experience is like awakening to a different part of you that you didn't know existed, right? And that like, where was this monster? You married a monster, right? Like that, like, where was this part of me in the rest of my life that didn't exist until my children did? And it can feel, yeah, shameful or embarrassing that like I've handled stuff so much better before this. Like I can handle this stuff if I'm out in chaos or emergency situations or like work doesn't frazzle me like this. Like, what is it about what is it about the uh the sticky floors that really just drive me crazy?

SPEAKER_00 15:30

That's so funny. That sounds a lot like when um we struggled early in our marriage, and I I always felt like I could be I was better at listening and like active and and not being passive outside of the home. But as soon as I got in the home, like I felt like I was a different person. I didn't know how to like get out of that. So it sounds very similar to like that that like the kids kind of draw that out of you.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Because I could go to my friend's house and their houses could be sticky and there could be toys everywhere, and their kids are like climbing over the chairs and up onto the table, and I'm just like, that's what kids do. This is great, it's fine. Like, I feel comfortable here because it's like that at home. But like when my kids are doing it at home, it is so irritating and like you can't be like this for the rest of your life. Stop it right now.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

Yeah, it's okay to feel like that.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

It's relatable. Yeah, all right. Another maybe, maybe common experience, or maybe this is just Monica. I don't know. This is Monica's oversharing session. Um, I try to help my newborn, but nothing I do seems to calm them down. I feel really useless.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

That was baby number two.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

Yeah, that was in particular.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

Yeah, and that was a very I feel like that was super hard for you to go through. But even like I there was things I couldn't do to help you there.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

I feel like this has been a common experience though for you, for every kid, where you're just like, I can't do the things that this baby needs me to do. I'm just I'm just marching and patting and shushing and trying all the things, but like, yeah, I I don't know when last time somebody asked me advice about it.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

I think it should be things that seek. Um I forgot what they I don't know if it was specifically about a newborn, but they were asking about kids. And I said it's gonna be very I said it's gonna be very hard, but to keep in mind that it's gonna pass because it's just a season. Because I remember when we were feeling like this, it felt like this is gonna be every day of our lives. Like every single day is gonna be like this. This is gonna be awful forever. And it's really quick we can feel like that.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Yeah. And I think again, this like this shame cycle versus grounding in humility is like the the phrase, like I am useless. Again, like putting your identity and your ability to calm or not calm when newborn in this very moment. Um, and like that that that's a lie. Like you are not useless and you are you are at minimum there and they are not alone in their suffering as a newborn, which could be a gas bubble or hunger or overstimulation or whatever is causing this baby's distress. Like you are not useless because you are at least there.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

And you're not a bad mom because they're crying.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

And I feel like there's so much. I don't know if I don't know if it's like a society like um puts that on us or if we just put it on ourselves. But I remember you feeling more than me that because you couldn't calm him, like you were failing as a mom. And like that's just that, and that's not true. Because and I I don't know if I ever said this, but I always felt like you weren't failing as a mom because you weren't giving up. Yeah, like you were still trying to cover him, you're still trying to help him. Um, and that to me showed more of your abilities as a mom versus like can I just stop crying?

SPEAKER_01 18:34

And I do think another just word of you know, affirmation, but like your baby's crying bothers you more than it does anybody else. So if this crying is happening out in public and you're starting to sweat because you can't figure it out, and everybody sees how terrible of a mom is I am. I can't even get my own baby to stop crying. It's really not bothering them as much as you're bothered by it. They hear it, it's not like yeah, but like I don't think it's it's not as distressing to the outside world. Let's do this to you. All right. Some days I love my kids, but I have no joy and always feel on the edge of crying or yelling. That boldly admit like, I love them, but I do not like them, right? Or like I love them, but like, why is this so disappointing?

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yes, we were saying the quiet things. Isn't that isn't this what well, yeah, isn't this what what women were made to be able to do? And just like this, isn't this the most fulfilling part of my life? Yeah, why do I hate it so much?

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Why? Why? And what and like, and this is this was a very real experience for me, but like, why does work feel so much better? Because like at least most people like me there. I know I'm being productive and I know that I'm accomplishing tasks and we're moving in the right direction. But yeah, it can feel like you have this overwhelming sense of love for these humans that you don't have for anybody else, right? But at the same time, can feel so unhappy and like, yeah, and your your mode of communication is more often a raised voice or a snarky tone than it is pleasant.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Yeah, and it's like a quick, at least from like from my perspective, because I definitely think this hit you more when the kids were younger, right? Um, I mean, or 30 minutes ago. Uh but the like I know for myself, like it becomes like, why do you still need me? I just did this thing. Like, go do what I told you to do. Like, why are you still asking? And it's like it's asking, right? And it's like the feel like constant, like you need me for this, these things. Obviously, it does not happen as much as it happens to you, because if you're around, then they just go to you and they skip me over. But like if it's just me, they keep asking the same thing over and over. And you're like, okay, like we are, I thought we already handled this. Like, why are you still going? And it as much as you love them, you get to a point that you're so annoyed by like the fact they need you when like the fact they need you is a good thing because you're their parent and they're supposed to need you, but you're also wishing for like, I can't wait till you can be self-sufficient, so you don't need me for this thing. And then you feel bad wishing that away when it gets to the point that they don't all need you for the thing.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

It's like hearing your your little one, your baby, start saying mommy, and you're just like, Oh, that's the best, that's the best sound I've ever heard, like for you to be able to acknowledge me. And then now somebody in the back of the car, mommy. What do you need now? Driving, like, and it's the same word from the same human, and it's just a different elicits a different response. And then there's just a lot of tension in that both end of like this unconditional, devoted love. But can you please not say my name for five minutes? Can you please not need me? Can you please not have me repeat myself again? Um, and it's like that. That both end is is hard to it's hard to not feel like you're the problem in that. Like, why is this so bothersome? And why is my identity well. Part of it is like your identity is wrapped up in it because you are their mother, right? Or you are their father. So, like, how do I separate my feelings and the experience from the reality of like you are their parent and this is your your stick. Like this is this is where you are right now and who you are and you're required there. Um, but without putting the um the challenges as part of that identity.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

And I think it's important again to acknowledge in humility of having those feelings is not failure, right? That those are again natural human things, natural human emotions that come up in those times of struggle. Um, and I think the the the incredible part is when you're able to, like similar to when when you can't stop the crying babies, that you're able to put those emotions aside and still act the way the mom should act anyway, even though you're still having those emotions. But again, the emotions themselves are very human, very normal, and it's okay to acknowledge those.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

All right. And last but not least, uh, why does it feel like everyone else has their stuff together? I'm the only one drowning right now. Well, hopefully, if you felt this way and then you just heard me say all the things I said, there's at least two of us out there. There's at least two. Um, now I think that like living in social media land in particular, like us millennial parents and you know, younger are seeing a lot of, you know, when you do this, when you live by this rhythm, when you have the schedule, you do you, you know, you have these tools and liturgical living.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Just put purple on. Everything will be fixed.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

Like, yeah. So you if you just do these certain things, if you just have these certain things, if you just eat these certain things, you drink these certain things, then you wouldn't suffer the way you're suffering right now. And that's like such a bull face lie. Um, but no, not everyone has it together. Most people don't. I don't think I've met a single person that actually has it all together. Um, and I think that it's really important for us to not hide that or run away from that, and not just like because you can tell yourself that and assume that and know that, but then like I don't know. There's something beautiful about having that moment with somebody else, like you too. I'm not the only one, like that solidarity moment and also being like, and you're a good mom.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

But like, and that's and then tying it back to the theme, like that's the whole point of starting with Ash Wednesday in that like you're given your ashes, and the priest either says no, that's just how the church yes, not at home. We don't do ashes. I'm sorry, no, but like so the priest or the deacon um says either like you're dust and dust you shall return, or repent and believe in the gospel. And like both those things are a reminder, are supposed to be a reminder that you don't have it all together, and you're not supposed to have it all together. And I think so many of us, especially with social media, or any, if we feel any of those things, we feel the impulse like, oh look, we're failing because we're supposed to have it all together. And like in the church, we have this entire season where we're supposed to prepare to for the resurrection of Jesus because we couldn't save ourselves, because we don't have it all together, and no matter how much we got our things together, we still wouldn't go to heaven because we could not save ourselves. The gates of heaven would not open with just our good deeds and our ability to parent well, and none of those things would give us salvation. And I think that like kids, kids draw that out of us. Like when we were saying, like, you had this whole part in you that like you didn't realize existed. And like, thanks be to God that he was able to, he's used the kids to draw those parts out of our hearts because like that's parts where we felt like we were good, and for him to show, like, no, you still have areas where you can grow in love. Um, I think that's what Lent is supposed to be. And I think we just started Lent super early as parents. 11 years, 11 years of Lent.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

11 years of Lent. I think it's yeah, I think it's so important again, both grounding in reality of like this is where we're at, and this is what we're called, we're where we're called to be, but then also the um the freedom of the resurrection and that like that is where we're being called to. So, like this is where we are, this is where we're going. And so if we don't acknowledge where we are, though, then we're not able to like be on the path to where we're going because we are gonna be misdirected. We're not going to have, we're not gonna actually be able to work on the things that we actually need to work on. Um, we're not gonna be able to ask for the things that we need grace for. And um, because if we're if we're missing where we are, then we're missing the things that God wants to give us so that we can be with him in heaven.

SPEAKER_00 26:29

So if you are like us and you said any of those five things that we listed today, whether under your breath or just out loud for the neighbors to hear, you are in good company because we are like that too. Um and it's okay that we are here together and we're gonna be doing Lent together. Um, so if you like this episode, please tune in next week as well where we're gonna be building on. So we talked about where we are, and now we're gonna be talking about where we're going. Um, and that'll be the focus of next week's episode. If you like this episode, though, like, comment, subscribe, and leave us a what is it? A review, back to our review on Apple or Spotify. And share this with some friends. I know that we don't I don't know if we ask that often, but share this with people that you think are good parents and then need to hear that it's okay to say some of these things. And hopefully we'll be walking with the rest of Lent and See ya at the next episode.