183. Lent - Rupture and Repair

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to another special edition episode of To Become Family. We are Renzo and Monica Ortega and we are still diving deep into Lent because it is still Lent and there are still kids here. And we thought it'd be good to we've been if you if this is your first time with us, uh we've been walking with parents this Lent, just talking about and commiserating and not unifying, but like helping them feel like they're there's somebody who understands them um throughout the season. And now we are getting close to the end. Um so we thought we would just kind of double down on the you're not alone. Um so this week we should be leading into Palm Sunday. Uh so yeah. So most of our talks or most of our talk today is gonna be about that.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Yeah. And I think a lot of our episodes have really focused heavy on the parenting side. And I think this one will lean more towards the lenty side of things, still in in reference to parenthood, but like we're really gonna focus on the the spiritual and the lenten part of this, I think a little bit more. Um, again, in in light of your parenthood. Um, or maybe this is just like a little preview or encouragement if you are not parents yet, that um I think that there were some things I wish I had known about parenthood, not to scare me away from it, but to not feel like I'm failing, I'm doing it wrong because it's hard or it doesn't come as naturally. So hopefully this episode helps a little bit with that as well.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Okay. So today's episode is titled Rupture and Repair. And that is a term that we learned from Dr. Matthew Bruninger. Um sorry, and the idea of rupture and repair was I think he said related to kids and our relationship with kids or relationship with one another. But the idea that if it's not if, no, sorry, it's not, yeah, no, it's not if, but when you fail at something with your kids and you rupture the relationship in a way, not a huge major thing, but like a tiny rupture, um, to always be ready to repair it. Um, that could be by apologizing, by just, you know, amending what you're gonna do, um, but not feeling like everything is lost because there is a rupture in the relationship, but more to expect them to come, um, and then equally be expecting yourself to go on and repair it.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Yeah. And his clinical experience has shown that the rupture is actually less impactful than the repair. So, like the repair is more important than the fact that you ruptured because the rupture is inevitable. Um, but relationship, uh like longevity of positive relationships are more focused, are more apt to like be good if the repair happens and how the repair happens, how quickly the repair happens, how honest the repair attempt is, and things like that. So um this is like encouragement that the the rupture is not the problem. It's like facing the opportunity for repair, or if you're running away from that, then you know, then that's the problem, not necessarily the rupture itself.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

So, how do we apply this to Lent?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Yeah. So um So I was trying to think of how to like explain this, and I think that um, yeah, so this idea of like rupture is going to happen with our kids. We're gonna mess up, and the opportunity for repair is met in like our willingness to apologize to our kids for our mistake, to kind of like embrace them and focus on the relationship repair, and um and that could be like through affection of like giving them a hug or like giving them some more attention, quality time, talking depending on the age of your kids, like talking through the circumstances surrounding and what have you. And I think that that is really similar to um, I think it's really similar to this idea of Lent because um probably at this point of Lent, like myself, my my resolve to stick to my Lenten sacrifices and my Lenten commitments may be uh questionable or I may not have I may not have uh stuck to all of them the way I had hoped. I might not feel quite as like deeply attuned to God as I had assumed I would because I was doing these things. And so um, and a lot of that I I could blame on like parenthood and the chaos of like my current circumstances, and that's why, and I could give myself an out for that um in that way. But I think that um this part of Lent and like relating it to Lent is that if we maybe have not done a great job or we feel like we haven't done a great job, we've ruptured our Lenten attempts. Uh, we're feeling disconnected here with with Jesus as we're traveling through this liturgical season. Um, that again, the rupture is not the big, the big, big deal. It's like my attempt at repair. And so if I'm just going to like try to power through this, if I'm not going to like account for um where I have fallen a little bit short and kind of like bring that, bring that up, acknowledge it and bring it up and apologize for it and like want to want to make that repair, then I've missed the I've missed the point, I've missed the opportunity. Um and I think that um it may also be a good indicator of like bad uh expectations on my part that I had set the bar too high and that like no, my life is still my life. Um, and that like I had envisioned something that wasn't that wasn't real for my my current circumstances. So um I can I can I'm talking a lot, so you talk for a little bit and I'll be like, I like when you talk.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

Uh I kinda I feel like so what this makes me think about is when I've I've talked to a lot of uh young people when it comes to falling to sin in particular, um, and they get very excited and have like a big resolve of after like a retreat or some sort of conversion experience, reversion experience, and they're like, all right, I'm gonna do all these things. Um, and I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna amend my life, I'm gonna repent, turn my back to the old things and turn towards Jesus. And very quickly they find that like that, once that energy's gone and like the the the the I don't want to say dopamine, because it maybe it's not dopamine, maybe it is the spirit. Um but once they no longer feel like they are in consolation and like things are feeling great and things kind of get difficult, um, they don't just like fall off their horse and then like all right, I'm gonna get back up and do it again, but they kind of fall off their horse and then start like rolling in the previous direction and then just like stay in the dirt and keep crawling towards like what they used to be like before. And if they make one mistake, they kind of like, oh well, I guess this is all lost. Yeah, I made no progress, this is nothing for me. Um, I might as well go back to my old way of life. I think it's very normal for humans to do is that like they could say, like, I'm gonna do all these things, and they can make some significant progress in that direction. Um, and then they, because it doesn't, the outcome isn't what they thought it would be, it's not as sexy as that they thought it was gonna be. Like, oh, I don't look like a saint already. Um, I still have to struggle with these very normal things. Um, they really quickly just give up on life and then just go back to what they used to do. And I think that is a temptation for us. Like it's a temptation for us in Lent, it's also a temptation for us on January 1st or January what 15th, like two weeks after our New Year's resolution of like, well, this is hard and I don't have the progress or results I wanted, I might as well just go back and do what I, you know, forget about what I was choosing to do. Instead of realizing that, like, you again build habits over time, and over time those things are going to bear fruit. Um, so even if you did not do Lent the way you thought you would do Lent, like you are still attempting to do Lent and there's still goodness in that. And I don't think it's like I don't know what the repair looks like for you, but I feel like the repair is very easy of just like just go back to do the thing you said you were gonna do.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Yeah, and just keep going and not give up, just keep going. And I think too that like um, so I agree with that, like just go back to, you know, if you were giving up sweets, like go back to the giving up sweets, like just just go start over. Like it's not even start over, like start this next moment and it's not gonna undo what happened, but like that resolve to like acknowledge that I ate the sweets and then the the work on the effort to like okay, move forward is like that is instead of dwelling on the mistake, like that's what good relationship is, is that like we acknowledge and we keep moving forward and like we have this next opportunity. So I'm gonna do it. Um, but I think one thing that for me in this idea of parenthood and lent and rupture and repair is these like high expectations of like I'm gonna wake up early. I don't know. The this is like mom Instagram of like, I'm gonna wake up early and I'm gonna light a candle and I'm going to um like open the Bible and I'm gonna read scripture and it's gonna be so peaceful and lovely, and that is going to like seep into every moment of my day upcoming. And then so now I'm going to be calm for the next 24 hours until I do this again. And I it's not related to Lent, but Elise Myers posted a reel recently about like getting up early to kind of start your day calmer before your kids wake up. So like you can get dressed or shower, what have you, like kind of prep for the day before your kids get up. And so instead of waking up at 6:30, you wake up at six, and then your kids wake up at 545. And so you're like, okay, so I'm gonna wake up at 5:30 and your kids wake up at 520. And she even she notices this pattern of like your kids find you, and they find you when you're trying to be peaceful and calm, and they interrupt it. And I think that that's that can be quite annoying, and it could feel like I'm working backwards in this because I'm trying to find moments with God. And I don't know, to me, I was just like, that's the point. Like, those are the moments with God because you were tasked to be a parent. And so, like, that is your opportunity. So maybe it doesn't look like one-on-one conversation with the Lord. Maybe it looks like two-on-one, and like it looks like having the little ones sit on your lap. Maybe it looks like warming up the bottle instead of opening the Bible. And like, I'm not saying don't read your Bible, but like that's not like your there's a I don't remember who says a quote, but like your kids are not a distraction from from like God. They are they are they are it like that is that is that is where you are. And so instead of resisting it and fighting it and feeling like that's the thing that's keeping you away from your Lent and sacrifice, like maybe that is your Lent and sacrifice is to like accept it instead of resist it.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Yeah, I I think that's there's two different things there. One, I do agree that there's not like you're not called to live a monastic life. Um, I do think that the monastic life is right, there's an ideal for it because that is what we will be living like in heaven. Um, but that's not your vocation, so that's not where you're called to live. Uh, but at the same time, I don't think that is your Lenten sacrifice, because like your Lenten sacrifice should be a thing that's uh ancillary to, right? Ancillary to the norm.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Is ancillary the right word? It's an extra. It's an extra thing that you pick, you you choose to uh to add on so that it is like it you're basically working on the muscle that you know you stink at because when temptation and sin comes around, like you don't have as much like you know, fighting willpower or whatever, uh tapping into grace to be able to do that. So like you you pick a thing that you that's that you like to avoid, but it doesn't mean that it's uh suddenly becomes a sin because you don't do it, right? Yeah. Still a good um so wait, sorry, with that in mind, like if you're if you're giving up, if you give up the giving up of your thing because your life is so hard, I think you did like you shouldn't make your life so much harder if your life is already hard with kids. Does that make sense? Like if like I understand, like I I'm not gonna talk about what you give up, but like if you give up something that like brings you a lot of comfort and like it brings you comfort so that you can go do the things that you need to do for your family, and then you decide to pull something away that makes it even more unbearable to do the thing you want to do for your family. I don't know if that was like the best choice to do versus like this is why I like that some people like instead of I'm gonna go give these things up to make me uncomfortable, like I'm gonna try to add a new I'm gonna try to add a new practice. And then if you add a new practice that it needs to be done in quiet without anybody around, when you have a lot of kids, like again, that was not the most prudent choice versus a thing that like I can do this with them or I can do this distracted or or or without you know, like that I could do this all the time. It's a new addition to what I'm doing, it's a good thing, but it's not one that's gonna be constantly battling with my state in life at the moment, right? So I think that might be something to consider next year of like what could you be something to consider next year of like what could you do that isn't gonna be battling your current season in life? Yeah. Um, but at the same time, I don't know, like that. So like repair to me would be like, let's fine, maybe you table what you want to do. Like you wanted to pray scripture every day in the morning, but like art, you can't do that now. What could you do that's related to that, but in your current season?

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Right. And so like it might not be reading a whole book of the Bible or a whole chapter of that book, but it's like I'm gonna pick out one verse and I'm gonna keep returning to that several times today. And just like, okay, it's my it's a one-liner, and I'm gonna like really keep communicating with that. I'm gonna hear it, I'm gonna live it, I'm gonna experience it, I'm gonna bring it back to God in prayer. I'm gonna see if I notice where that can apply to my life. And so I think it's like, it's a not like don't do something, but like acknowledge and the repair comes from not the failure to do it, but the acknowledgement of like, okay, how are we? It's the same with apologizing to your kids. Like, how can we do this better next time? Right. And so, like, I had this, I had this moment of weakness. And so there is something that prompted that, that brought that, like brought that resulted in this rupture. So let's instead of just saying, I won't do it again, like, let's also the the real repair comes in the effort of not doing it again. So it's the it's the acknowledgement, the analysation of like, where am I? How can this be done? Should we do it a little bit differently? Should we not set these expectations for us because we're always gonna fall short then? Or like let's just I we started this series with humility, like let's be real and honest about where we're at. And so, like, if Lent has felt particularly lenty, like, was it my contribution to that? Or, or is it the you know, the other circumstances that we're not in control of? But like, how can that how can that be integrated so that Lent can still be fruitful? Um, but also not at the expense of my vocation.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

Yeah, I think it's interesting. So by Lent being Lenty, you mean if it's like super filled with like suffering and difficulty. Yeah. Yeah. And I think going into Palm Sunday, I think that's something to remember that if it is very difficult, as long as like you're not a worse parent, yeah. If it's hard, that doesn't mean that it's not a positive thing. So like I don't know, like there's and this is where the virtue of prudence comes in of like you being able to like see a thing accurately for what it is, like living in reality, then being able to accurately assess the reality and then deciding on what you're gonna do about it. So not just deciding like, oh, this is just hard, but then I'm like I said, like you said, not making making no decision at all is not a is a decision in itself and it's the wrong decision. So like you should be looking at yourself, looking at your lent, looking at how you are with your vocation, and then like, all right, what can I do to make this better? Um, but that doesn't always better doesn't always mean like by alleviating suffering. Yeah. So like if this is a very lenty lent, then maybe that's what it's supposed to be. And like the cross shows us that there's gonna be good fruit that comes out of that, regardless of how you may feel about it.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

Sorry, so like No, that's good because like, yeah, maybe some of that suffering is like on purpose. Like it should be, it should be hard and it should hurt a little bit because then it's revealing things that like that's also part of Lent is the fruit of Lent is to like reveal your weaknesses and your like areas that you're not allowing God to enter into and to strengthen you in, or that like the these areas of lack of virtue or lack of grit or what have you. And so yeah, if it's if it's demonstrating that to you, the repair is then to like again not run away from it, but to like enter into that suffering um and like allow that to be the um the catalyst for for healing, the catalyst for growth and virtue, the catalyst for better parenting, the catalyst for deeper connection with God. Like, yeah, so if if some of it is um is kind of like suffering of our own doing, or like because of how we've how we were before Lent, like maybe that is the that is the revealing that needs to be done. Um But I guess I when I when you had brought this up, I just thought of like if we feel like our parenthood is interrupting our Lent, like that might be the clue that like you're avoiding the parenting part, and that is like that's where you're at. And so um to make sure that you're not that you weren't expecting Lent to like um to be an escape from parenthood or to like relieve you of the sufferings of parenthood that like those yeah um that the like the repair is really like Lord help me enter into this parenthood more fully and not be afraid of it and not run away from it. And so like if Lent reveals that, the repair would be to like go deeper into parenthood.

SPEAKER_00 17:20

Right. So then if and I don't think if you have to change what you your sacrifice, your London sacrifice or like your London practices um in order to enter into Lent more deeply, like you're saying. Like I think if it is something that like you had it Lent versus parenthood, and now you realize like, yeah, my parenthood has to come first, like maybe then you just switch to what you were doing so that it fits into your parenthood better.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Do you have any examples of what they could do for that?

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Well, I guess like the the one that came to mind was like this idea of like quietly reading scripture with no interruption and that like you need to you need to do that differently. Like that, like no, don't run away from it, but don't expect that that's how you're not feeling at Lent if it's loud. So like yeah, maybe maybe you don't do it in the morning and you do it after bedtime, maybe you do it during nap time, or you just like reset those expectations. Maybe you do Bible in a year, so you're like, I really want to be that person that reads, that opens the book and reads it, but like maybe Father Mike reads it to you, like maybe you hear it from maybe you go to daily mass, so you hear readings at mass, and your kids like are engaged and experience mass, and it's not gonna be pretty, but you're there, right? And so, like, there's I think that you can be creative in how you do it. Um, if you've given up something like sweets or coffee or TV or what have you, then like you can't just like give it up. You have to, like, sometimes when that temptation is really hard, you have to fill it. Like you gave up, everybody gave up screens, and now your kids are being wacky because they're so used to screens. So then you need to plan like what are we gonna do instead? We're gonna go for a walk, we're gonna do a craft, we're going to like go to a friend's house. Like, you kind of have to fill that space with something good. Maybe we all sit down and read the Bible together. And I recommend Emily Simpson's children's Bible. Like the like story of all stories. Yes. So like you kind of have to uh be a little bit more anticipatory of your of your children and your parenthood when when making plans. It's like, okay, this is what I want to do. And then what does that look like with the people that I parent and what will what will go well because I know them and I and I know myself, and maybe this is your way of learning more about yourself and them. But um, those would be some of my recommendations.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

I like that. I like that. I like that all this for a way of repairing and not feeling like this last week and a half of Lent is is wasted. Um, and I think if you could also prepare to try to participate in the true to them in some way that you maybe haven't before. Um and not, yeah, I don't know. I don't I just not being not being a not feeling like you just have to give up on everything just because you haven't done it perfectly.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Yes, I agree. And I think that like this is the great week. Well, this is right before Pump, this week leading up to Palm Sunday, right? So, like this is a great time to repair that rupture. If like if Lent has been ruptured, this is a great time because it I'm the church is going heavy these next two weeks. Like, there's so much, and you don't have to do it all. Again, like that's my like, don't set the expectations unrealistically, but like, okay, like, can you guys head to stations of the cross on Friday? Can you guys um like going into Palm Sunday, like prepare? There are palms, and my child, I have a four-year-old little boy. Like, we're going to prepare.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Learn how to make crosses.

SPEAKER_01 20:39

We're gonna like talk about how what we do with the with the palms before we even get there, and like acknowledge the fact that it looks like a sword and acts like a sword, but it is not a sword, right? And so it's like, like, no, no, thyself. Um, but like there's a lot of opportunities to repair these next two weeks. Like, Lent is not over. You didn't fail at Lent, like get back, go do it. Um, bring some coloring pages of the stations of the cross, like head to adoration and let your kids like write their prayers or draw their prayers. Like, there's a lot of things that you can do to invite your kids into Lent instead of it being in competition. Um, and like real, I don't know, have a countdown for like, okay, the suffering is coming to an end soon. Like, we're gonna celebrate. So, in 10. They're suffering, not your suffering. They're suffering, right? They're getting kind of like over Lent. This has been a lot, like, okay, 10 more sleeps, and we have cake again, 10 more sleeps, and we can't wait to have jelly beans, like, kind of, and and like connect that to Easter Sunday, like 10 more sleeps, and like the greatest thing ever, Jesus rises from the dead, and we get to like party for that. Like, um, and and maybe that anticipation will help you also be motivated to re-enter into Lent.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Yeah, so sounds great. I hope you guys can all jump back on the horse, dust yourself off, and uh keep going in the right direction. Uh, if you've been with us this whole Lent, thank you so much. Uh, please leave us a rating on Apple or Spotify. Uh, leave us a comment if you are on YouTube. Uh, like, comment, and subscribe. And we have one more episode during the series, and that is next week. So, right before the True Dome. So we hope that you're here for that one. And we will see you at the next episode.