A Queer Understanding

Kyleigh Weathers: Embracing Authenticity & Transforming Relationships Through Queerly Attached

• Dr. Angelica & Cassy Thompson • Season 6 • Episode 4

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What happens when your personal identity clashes with the beliefs you were raised with? Join us as Kyliegh Weathers, a former Mormon and now a Certified Attachment Coach, shares her extraordinary journey of self-acceptance and growth. Growing up as a lesbian in a conservative religious environment, Kyleigh opens up about the challenges she faced and how these experiences shaped her mission to foster healthier relationships through her coaching business, Queerly Attached. This episode is a heartfelt exploration into the world of attachment styles, especially within the LGBTQ+ community, where societal pressures and religious trauma often complicate relationship dynamics. Kyleigh also produces the podcast Exmo Lesbo KC Homo.
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Queerly Attached

Speaker 1

Born a lesbian and raised Mormon, kylie Weathers was taught to pray. The gang being so closeted made accepting her sexuality difficult. Leaving the Mormon religion meant squaring up with the self-abandonment she had done for so many years. Kylie began healing her attachment wounds, started to date herself and discovered her worth. Kylie started Queerly Attached because the queer community deserves healthy, thriving relationships and emotional safety within them. Here's our conversation. Hi, kylie, thank you so much for being on the show. Thanks, I'm excited to be here. So, just for our audience, please state your pronouns Awesome. My pronouns are she, her and my name is Kylie Weathers. Thanks, my pronouns are she, her and my name is Kylie Weathers, thanks. So, kylie, your story is very interesting, so I'm very excited to kind of unfold as much as we can in the limited time that we have, but let's start by talking about what you're doing now with Queerly Attached. Yeah, thanks, queerly Attached. This is my current 2024 baby.

Speaker 1

I launched Queerly Attached this summer at my first Pride event. Actually, I went to my first Pride and I was like, yeah, I'm going to absolutely get a table in this wellness tent and talk about attachment. It was so amazing. I really just squared off with imposter syndrome from go Like from go. I was like this is what I'm about and I'm gonna shout about it.

Speaker 1

So queerly attached is all about attachment styles and it's basically this idea that I believe queer couples. We absolutely deserve healthy relationships and it seems that we just as a whole. There's so much stuff going on in these relationships that isn't being talked about a lot. I know I definitely have come from these like roller coaster dynamics, push-pull. I know you guys are a couple, but out here in the streets it's a little bit rough when it comes to dating and these couples, right, we have this attachment wound, these baggage that we're bringing into relationships that I just think attachment works for everyone. But there's a different element when you talk about queer folks, because we're dealing with social rejection, social abandonment, parental rejection, religious trauma. There's so much more here going on that comes into relationships that we just don't even give air to, right, wow? And for folks who don't know, can you describe what attachment styles are? Absolutely, I like to think about it on a spectrum.

Speaker 1

So attachment, let's just think about it like connection. We all come into this world. We need connection, especially as infants, like we need people to survive, right? So our early attachment figures may be parents or guardians, and in those young years we really are looking to these people to model how to connect, how to be in relation. Young years we really are looking to these people to model how to connect, how to be in relation.

Speaker 1

And so what happens is we kind of get imprinted on if we have environments that are chaotic or supportive, but then no right, it kind of sends this mixed messaging and we start to develop what are called insecure attachment strategies, these strategies that kind of become employed when we feel like there's a risk of abandonment or a risk of rejection. Right, and one of the top insecure TATRA strategies is really what I call self-abandoning, just completely disconnecting from your own needs, your own boundaries, to be sure that you stay connected with someone else. So if we go back to this spectrum I'm talking about, think about relationships We've got this spectrum of anxiety. On one end you might have like super avoidant people and on the other we've got this spectrum of anxiety. On one end you might have like super avoidant people and on the other we've got like super anxious. We also have this middle class right, where we've got people can pull from both sides of that. There's names for each of these three insecure strategies. So we've got dismissive, avoidant, which is our far end on the avoidant. You've got anxious, preoccupied on the anxious side, and in the middle we have what's called fearful avoidant.

Speaker 1

All of these people want they're just not showing up in healthy, emotionally safe, available ways. And the majority of us are coming up with insecure strategies like people pleasing, which is extremely manipulative. If you think about it, we're trying to manipulate someone else's opinion of us when we're saying yes, when we mean no, right, we don't want them to think something about us that might make them then think we're a bad person or like all these things that happen. All of it is just a way that our subconscious is using to protect us. It doesn't know that it's insecure, it just knows this is the fastest path back to safety. Let's go. Yeah, that makes sense. So are you a certified coach style? I thought I was very unique in how I showed up, right, I thought I was like, oh, I'm so like. I process everything so well. No, I was so anxious and I would spiral so fast whenever I'd get triggered.

Speaker 1

And for each of these styles there's different wounds attached to them. For people who are anxious, preoccupied, we have a high need for connection and we will self-sacrifice often to make sure that we can achieve that. Sometimes there's signs of codependency or enmeshment On the avoidance side. These people are almost hyper-independent because they know if they rely on someone they just get hurt or they get burned. So you've got people who seem to have it all put together but really feeling scared the shit out of them yours and theirs and they're going to just dip right, just stonewall a ghost. Well, yours and theirs, and they're going to just dip right, just stonewall ghost. Well, unfortunately, those two people are naturally attracted to each other, right, like it's almost this like subconscious thing of like, okay, well, if I can make it work with you, then somehow that will like prove back here that it wasn't me. It wasn't me. Right, I was enough. It wasn't me.

Speaker 1

Because when these things happen, we make it mean something about us every time, because that's the fastest way forward. I can't make sense of this external environment. I try to make sense of it up here internally and I'm usually just going to be able to move through it quicker if I can make it mean I'm not enough, I don't matter, no one considers me. And then those things become beliefs and turns out we see what we believe all the time Exactly. It's crazy. Like the mind really fucks us up. We victimize ourself with our own story all the time. So getting certified in this it just it gave me the chance to now just start talking about it. I LLC'd very quickly because I had already started getting clients. I started seeing quick changes Like one of the biggest words coming out of that in the beginning was just how effective it was, because this baggage that we're talking about that grows as we get older, we move into adult relationships and of course that stuff comes up.

Speaker 1

We're probably more triggered by our romantic partners than anyone and it always hurts more when it's them. And it hurts more when we hurt them Like you never seen that look on their face when, like you know, you disappointed them. That shit like that can be triggering in itself and a lot of insecurely attached people will react to that hurt and disappointment in defense, which just invalidates your feelings even further, and a lot of times that will turn into this spiral of like. By the end of that conversation, the person who was originally hurt is now comforting the one who was hurt by the hurt and the person who was originally hurt, never even got to talk about it, but you just move on because it's like, well, that conflict almost happened and we survived it, so let's just move on. But we don't talk and then it comes up and it's just the cycle of resentment. It's ruining our relationships Absolutely.

Speaker 1

So do you consider yourself a coach or a counselor or what? Yeah, I consider myself a coach. I say that the best thing about coaching is it's not therapy. We are not the same thing. We serve different functions. So before I was certified in attachment, I was a recreation therapist and I had always worked in mental health. I worked at the VA hospital and in the homeless program and the substance abuse program. I really loved that job. I worked with at-risk youth in lockdown facilities and got to do recreation therapy there. I had an injury that put me out of work and put me on disability, and that's what the last 10 years has been is just dealing with that pain. But even Crilly Attached was born from that pain. Even Crilly Attached was born from how I grew through the grief of that and the changes that it brought in my life. It's hard to talk about Crilly Attached without talking about myself.

Empowering Attachment Styles Through Communication

Speaker 1

To be honest, like for me, coaching means like yo, you want to. You have a goal in mind? Sweet, come here, I got a practice plan. I actually am pretty good at this thing. Let me show you how we do it and then we work towards that goal. You know, I have a therapist, I have two coaches. Like I say, I resource the fuck out of myself because this is my life, like peace and joy and ease is my goal. Yeah, I want to resource myself so that I make sure I'm achieving that goal.

Speaker 1

So when you are coaching, do you deal with individuals or do you deal with couples? Because obviously my individual attachment style affects my relationship, as does my partner's attachment style. As you said, sometimes people who are on opposite end of the spectrums attract each other and kind of negatively feed into each other. So is it individual or couple, or both? Yeah, so I do coach both. I really love to coach individuals because this journey back to self it starts here, right.

Speaker 1

A lot of times, when people find out about attachment styles, they are drawn to really discovering their partners really deeply, because you want to understand this person right, and if you're the one researching attachment style, it's probably pretty sure that you are not the dismissive avoidant. And whatever side of that spectrum you are on, if you are with a dismissive avoidant partner, you're going to be banging your head against the wall trying to get them to change their style, right? So that's kind of the trap. So I like to remind people that you don't need to wait around for change. You are the change that you've been waiting for, right? So when you start to learn about your own individual attachment style, what ends up happening is, as you grow, you start to understand your needs, understand your boundaries. That's going to change the dynamic, whether they're showing up the same or not. If you change how you show up the day, it changes. That's just the way it works.

Speaker 1

And when you start to be fortified around your boundaries and understand why they're in place, how to set them, how to uphold them which is actually the hard part, I think then you start to tolerate a lot less, all of a sudden, these conversations that used to get really squirrely and maybe spiraled. You're not in them because you don't stay in places that are emotionally unsafe, and I don't mean that means you eject, but I do mean you set boundaries to keep yourself in safe and emotionally available situations. So if that means telling your partner hey, you know what? Actually, I'll give you a real life example, as I was practicing this in my own life. I like to say this is a practice because anytime you have feelings, put this in play right. So first thing you do is pause, right. We don't want to just like get triggered and then go because that's a reaction. We want to pause. We definitely want to breathe, which is the most free resource we have. Take a deep inhale, long exhale, like send cues to the body that you are safe If your nervous system is still feeling jacked.

Speaker 1

Here's what I started doing. I noticed mine first in my heart, when my heart would get kind of crazy. I learned that if I try and talk through this part, I've already lost it. I'm already going to be out of control. So I would say, yo, my heart just got super jacked. That's just the way I talk. But my partner understood this right. So this became this conversation, this language of like my heart just got jacked.

Speaker 1

I need to take a step away, which is not something anxious people want to do. I want to stay there and make sure you really, really understand my point of view, right. We're going to explain until three in the morning and get this shit figured out. So that's not the strategy I want to use. I want to take a step away so I can regulate. And when I take a step away I'm not just like peace out it's. I'm going to be back when I feel regulated and then I return. If I'm the one pausing it, I'm the one accountable to come back to it. That helped me so much. That helped me knock out habits like yelling. That helped me knock out habits like interrupting. Interrupting that was a really hard one for me, because whenever I felt misunderstood or misquoted it was like no, no, no, that's what happened, right, and that's frustrating. So just these little things that happen in conversations, just pausing and taking that breath, man, that can open up new choices and new lines that weren't even there and right, it makes a lot of sense.

Navigating Relationships and Personal Growth

Speaker 1

And so you mentioned I forgot what you called it before I'm going to use the clinical language of a treatment plan. How did that start? How do you identify what's needed and develop this treatment? Yeah, let me see. Well, so first thing, we book an attachment assessment. Right, like I want to hear the context of your story. I need to hear the patterns, like how are you showing up? I have a free attachment quiz on my website and it's just meant for fun. It's like 13 scenarios of different things that could happen in different ways you could show up. So it's not like a clinical research thing, but it's fun just to kind of get you in the headspace of like huh, because that huh is what we're going to start with. I don't want shame and judgment. We've got to show up curious. It's really rare that we go in without shame, without judgment. So this time we're going in with this like huh, right, like we're going to. Nancy drew the shit out of this. We're going to figure out why do we show up this way? And so in listening to the context and listening to what they're sharing with me, you can start to pick up. Okay, there's a wound here. I'm going to give an example. All my clients have given me permission to tell their stories because they are just so excited about the changes that they're seeing. So this is a fun gay example.

Speaker 1

I got to help a Canadian cat lady. She came to me through I don't remember how we met, I think it was through an ambassador program but we ended up working together and she had two issues going on. She was in a situationship that she was not happy in and it was definitely just kind of taking from her, but she wasn't sure how to get out of it because she was absolutely a people pleaser and this person lived in close proximity, so she was still in that, didn't know how to get out of it. Second thing was wasn't happy with the cat custody with the ex, and instead of you know, voicing that and trying to figure it out very conflict avoidant, instead just I get to go see the cat when I clip the nails, but that's not fun. The cat hates mom, because all you're coming over is to clip my fucking nails, right. So that wasn't satisfactory either. So I was like, hey, it doesn't have to be this way. We get to choose what we, what we do and don't accept, right. So we talked about the situationship. She ended it that night and has been way past it.

Speaker 1

It's been amazing and even as the other person showed up with all these insecure strategies, she just went back to this very basic thing what are my needs, right? What are my needs? I'm not vacating my needs anymore to be in connection, right, and I call it just like planting this flag of like I'm not going to self-abandon and I don't want to be with people who do. It's dangerous. It's dangerous to be with people you're not getting to know them if they're not being authentic. We've talked about that at the top, how authenticity is so important. It's safer. It's safer feeling when there's not masks, when I don't have to like read between the lines or I don't have to be all hyper vigilant about your body language. All these things we come up with. They're like temperatures, like we temperature check all the time. But when you know what you want to feel and what you need and what you want to do, it doesn't matter. You're comfortable because you're comfortable inside.

Speaker 1

So, yeah, it's in the context of the story, because there's a pattern to the way that we tell our story. Right, I think I said that we sort of victimize ourselves with our story. An example my back I mentioned for eight plus years. The story was it was almost a monologue, I could say it. I even had the intonation down. You probably have stories like that too, just things that you have recited so much. Now it's truth, like that is really what happened. Of course, that's all just your perspective, but now this truth has like formed into an identity, and my identity was built around this bad back and this bad leg. I started calling my back and my leg my healing leg and I would have knocked myself out years ago. But I'm telling you, my pain has shifted since. I've started thinking about my pain differently. I'm still a chronic pain patient. I still have a back surgery coming up. I've had five that will. Accepting my reality. Then I get to actually be free of hoping for anything to be different and figuring out how do I achieve my goals with this reality. It just changed everything.

Speaker 1

So that's the thing that we come up with in this treatment plan is what is your goal? What do you want? And then let's figure out what the steps are to get you there. What steps are you taking already that are leading you so far away from what you want? Yeah, so just quick question Do you take insurance or have the self-pay, and about how long? I'm sure it depends on the person, but and it could be ongoing but yeah, about how long do you engage with clients and about how much can they spend? Yeah, awesome, great question.

Speaker 1

So the attachment assessment is $175,000 and that includes, like, our hour together. And then I craft an individualized treatment plan. Essentially I call it the secure blueprint. I craft them this document that then I send. They get a chance to look over that Part of that attachment assessment. Though there's got to be a vibe, right? So if we're not vibing, maybe I'm not the coach for you, maybe you're not the client for me. Like, there's got to be that vibe. So everyone gets this attachment assessment and then we talk about okay, what does it look like to work together? So I work in like packages, so like in weeks.

Speaker 1

I have one program that I call breakup triage. It's four weeks. Four weeks, like, let's get you over the bullshit at the very beginning. Right, if we get through breakup triage, sweet, let's go do move the fuck on. This is the one where, like, we really are ready to move the fuck on, right, I've had someone literally get through breakup triage and straight out was, like I'm not ready to move on. Awesome, dope, hit me up when you're good. Right, like, let's work on it when we're ready. That's what's been. Cool is I had one client sign up for nine weeks. We crushed it in six, right, like, ok, sweet. So I've kind of been in this like four, six, nine weeks. It's not just these 60 minute sessions, though, that we get every week.

Speaker 1

What I love about it is I've added an app called Marco Polo. It's a video messaging app, so, essentially, during this time that you're working with me in this container, you get access to me daily. It's like having a coach in a pocket, so we communicate on this app, and the reason I like that is because, like I've said, I call this. It's a practicing secure, so we practice secure in real time. That's one thing that makes this really different than therapy. Right, I just had therapy today at one o'clock and it was great, but I can't call her now. After I did the thing that we talked about, I got to wait, you know, two weeks from now to go see her again. So it's nice to be able to just pull up Marco Polo and like, yeah, let's talk about it Like right now.

Speaker 1

I just had a client who's going through like literally right now, and her dad is in open heart surgery. This was unexpected. It just happened today, so massive things happening. She's able to pull up her phone and I'm right there, and we're not just like it's okay, everything's going to be better. No, we're talking about this feeling and we're going to feel this. We're not going to just push this aside so that we can go deal with it. That's how we've been doing it and that we're not thriving that way. We don't want to just survive anymore. So the Marco Polo piece has been what really, I think, makes it so effective. Yeah, that sounds yeah. Yeah, thank you, I love it. So, kylie, what inspired you to be a coach? Was there something that happened in your life that led to that? Yeah, great question. I mentioned the recreation therapy.

Navigating Family Dynamics and Beliefs

Speaker 1

I've always been drawn to communication, conflict. Um, I just, I know that we can connect through conflict. We don't have to contend through it, and that has just been something that was such, honestly, conflict was such a part of my home growing up. Also, mental health was a lot talked about. My dad had undiagnosed bipolar for many, many years and he was diagnosed in the 90s which you know, the 90s, I was kind of everybody was being diagnosed. Which, you know, the 90s, I was kind of everybody was being diagnosed with this. So I'm not sure how accurate that was, but at that point it became a crutch and something that was used in the home to excuse a lot of insecure attachment strategies Right, so I was always very interested in that.

Speaker 1

I feel, very frankly, that part of my purpose here is to help connect the people. I really feel so much purpose in teaching people how to show up in communication better because there's so much chaos out there because of assumptions, because of just false realities that people create. I've lost friendships over assumptions. I don't know about you guys. I've had relationships ruined because we were so scared to seek clarity, so that became something just very early for me.

Speaker 1

So when I went to college recreation therapy, I wanted to be a social worker. They did not have that at my college, and my mom talked me out of it because she was also a social worker and said it's really hard. So I found the rec therapy. I'm very playful. That was a good fit for me. I always intended to go back, though, and get my MSW. The spinal cord injury just took that from me, and so because of that, I just going back for that just never. It just didn't become part of the plan.

Speaker 1

So I mentioned imposter syndrome. I had to battle my own imposter syndrome around what coaching meant. I think the world has kind of accepted it more as a thing, but I definitely had my own feelings about what life coaching was and what fake therapy that would look like. You know what I mean and I'm so grateful that I squared off with that because I really the ripple effect of this has been worth any amount of fear that I've had to face. Like I am almost like it gives me all the fear. That just means I get to be courageous, honestly, like that feels good. So the ripple effect has been worth every moment of self-doubt.

Speaker 1

Coaching came to me because of just this path of self-abandonment that I had in my own life from basically the early years growing up. Mormon went on a Mormon mission. Even I got sent home early. I got sent home early too damn gay, right. And from that point on it was just this struggle of like my religion and my sexual orientation and I just kept choosing not me, because anytime I did choose me and I was out of the closet because I had many stints of being in and out Anytime I did choose me, I lost everything lost family, lost friends, lost religion, lost community. It became the story of being queer is painful, it is painful, I am losing a lot, right, and it just all came in as this, like internal hatred, inner homophobia. It took me years to be able to say I'm a lesbian without crying Like this was very much a part of being gay. Ruins families like that, and I saw that happening. I saw relationships get ruined in my own life. I would get caught and then back to repentance, back to the bishop. It wasn't until 2019 that I finally left left and my husband at the time said that it was like a cloak had just pulled off me. He was like it was like there she is for the first time, like really got to see and know me and in fact, our relationship improved after that.

Speaker 1

So in the Mormon church, do they have conversion therapy for people that are considered to be not right? Quote unquote yeah, so they don't follow that. I'm just young enough that I missed the horrific electric shock therapy. I did not go through any of that At the time. The big words for it were that I was someone who was struggling with same-sex attraction and or struggling with same-gender attraction. They would call it SSA or SGA, and this was in. Let's see 99. So at this time, same-sex marriage is starting to be discussed. Let's see Hawaii. What was it? 95, 96, it started talking about legalizing same-sex marriage.

Speaker 1

The church had started actually speaking more about homosexuality because of that, and when I was caught by my parents which was just they found a note from my girlfriend in my trash can? We're 16, in high school, it's my first girlfriend, first any experience of anything it was like the world flipped because they meant well right, they were Mormon parents who wanted to make sure I wasn't going to go to hell for struggling with same gender attraction. But the message sent was just you're wrong, you're wrong, you don't fit, this won't work. You can't be with us together forever as a family, like the church teaches, if you make this choice so lots of I remember they printed out talks for me, like from church leaders, on how to deal with it.

Speaker 1

I was fortunate that I had a really good bishop. He's a really good man. I actually ran into him about three months ago at a funeral and I was very gay. I was in slacks and a freaking tie and a button up and he embraced me and was just like you look fantastic. Like no judgment from him. So I had good people along my way, but the messaging was still this is a sin. And if you pray hard enough, right, this is a sin and if you pray hard enough, right? The church wasn't saying pray the gay way, but that was the message In those early days. They also were encouraging you to date and marry you know, be in heterosexual marriages.

Speaker 1

So I don't know that my parents meant to cause harm, but it did cause harm. They were very well-meaning in that they sent me to therapists church therapists who were really like well-known in this area. We even went out to Utah to go see one and they again thought they were doing the right thing. But here I am, I'm 16 years old, I'm in this therapist's office. She's like well-known to help people like me.

Speaker 1

I didn't know what that meant at that time. I didn't. All I could say was just like I like this girl, I don't. I didn't know what words there were for it and I remember telling this woman I'm really scared to have friends that are girls Like. I'm so scared this is going to happen. I'm like frying, I'm so scared this is going to happen again. And she says it will. It is going to happen again and we're going to help you build up boundaries so that that never happens again. And yeah, I mean honestly a lot of it still feels dark. When I look back, oh yeah, it feels really chopped up. It feels really chopped up. I see it in pieces a little bit. So, yeah, it was a tough upbringing.

Speaker 1

I'm grateful that, like, when I came out to my son was he five, it was no big deal, he just was like, honestly, he hugged me and was like Mom, I'm so happy for you to be yourself those were his words to be yourself. I've had a fantastic co-parenting relationship since we made that decision. He lives two buildings over from me. My son runs back and forth. That is not because it's easy, it's because we work really hard at communicating and we work really hard at connecting through conflict and it's been a huge blessing in my life. I'm really grateful for my co-parent because it never became about like, it was never about the sexuality it was about. Are we living our most fulfilled lives? The answer was no and I think a lot of people forget sometimes.

Speaker 1

Like also. I mean I don't know how graphic, but he was also having sex with a lesbian, right. So like it's not. And again, and not to like, really go hard on the sex. But even if the sex wasn't like, it wasn't like it was difficult y'all, it just doesn't quite fit. It's like you know, I can do the thing, but I don't want to take all day long to get ready to do the thing. Like, I know that that isn't what it should be Right.

Speaker 1

And he knew from go what my quote struggle was with bisexuality. This wasn't something that was sprung up on him, and as he and I became parents, we started to see so much harm in the church and it just became this question of like, what, what are we supporting and what are we raising him in? And so, once that decision was made, it just it became this question of what do we believe, what do you and I believe about all of these things? About sexuality, about monogamy, about like? All of it got deconstructed, and the number one thing that we knew that we weren't going to deconstruct was this idea that we are family and that has stayed true for the last five years. It's beautiful. I'm very fortunate. I love my modern family. He has a partner of the last three years and I love her too, and it's we are fortunate. Yeah, is he still in the mormon church? He's not. We left together.

Speaker 1

Okay, I, I did it. I quote, did it first. I I came across some things that didn't sit right with me. I went home and let him know that I'd read these things would you please consider reading this? And he he's a very thoughtful man and he was like, yeah, give me a few days, look it over, and I think I joke. But it really did happen. He came home, I think, maybe like four days later. I was like, yeah, give me a few days, look it over, and I joke. But this really didn't happen. He came home, I think, maybe like four days later, was like, yeah, I'm done, and I'm going to go buy a six pack Because Mormons can't drink. So I mean, it was.

Speaker 1

It wasn't as, honestly, I think I was more into it than he was. It was probably harder for me. But also, as soon as I left, so much rage came up, because I say that I left the church the first time because I was gay, and I left the church the second time because it's not true, and the fact that it's not true was devastating because of what I had done for it, if that makes sense. I don't blame the church, though, because I'm not a victim to my story. I know that I made those choices. I made those choices.

Speaker 1

I self-abandoned because of these attachment style wounds and at 41, it's just not an option anymore. I just won't. It's not an option. Don't do it for anybody. I say I'm securely single. I'm not out here like hunting anything or like hoping for anything. I'm just like walking my path and the people that has brought me have been amazing and I know that at some point I'll be walking in step with someone. But that's not my goal. That's not my goal. My goal is to not self-abandon. It's not mobile.

Speaker 1

There were so many questions from like what I know. I'm sorry guys. No, I love the way you answered some of them along the way, but I actually have a few. So we watched this show forbidden love on tLC that showed people from different religious backgrounds trying to be together and how they navigated that. And there was a guy on there who was Mormon and they showed that when he gave up his religion, when he left the church, that he was dead to his family. Has that been your experience? Dead to his family? Has that been your experience? I wouldn't say dead to my family. No, that is a common experience. You can hear him walking lightly here. Let me collect it Difficult. It's a good question. I'm going to answer it. Take it down. Take it down.

Speaker 1

So mixed faith marriages is kind of what we would call those like mixed faith, right, those marriages are difficult. So to have a mixed faith marriages is kind of what we would call those like mixed faith, right, those marriages are difficult. So to have a mixed faith marriage and then a mixed orientation marriage would have been a nightmare. So I'm very, again, lucky that my co-parent left with me. We were both terrified to tell our families and in fact I don't think he's shared it with his free shares. My family, however, lived right there locally and it's pretty easy to pick up when someone's not doing the Mormon thing because it is so much a part of your lifestyle. This is not like we just are going here on Sunday. At the time it was for three hours. Now church is two hours, but at the time, three hours on Sunday. This was way more than this.

Speaker 1

So I had a conversation with them and it went well, but I think, as the sexuality stuff really came up, there's a lot of pain, I think, for my parents in it, and I know I have a lot of pain, and now, as a parent, I have a lot of questions. I have a lot of questions because, as a mom now, I just have a hard time picturing rejecting him in any sense. I just have a hard time picturing rejecting him in any sense. And I know that their religion is so much a part of who they are and my parents are older my dad is 80 years old and they have so much love but they don't think they know how to be around me. I don't believe that they really know how to ask about my life, how to support my business. They have said from the very, very beginning, many years ago, that they love me and they're not sure how to support me. Without condoning it, if that makes sense, they have definitely grown in the years.

Speaker 1

During my first marriage I was married to a woman. We were not allowed to stay in their home if we came to visit, right Like we had to get a hotel down the street. That did eventually change. They did start to come around, but when I came back to the church that was the big prodigal son return, like that was a big deal and I immediately got my family back, immediately and they held it down for me for the next 10 years and then leaving the church. It was hard, I think, for them to stick around. They had a lot of pain about the family, like my son and my husband at the time and me. They had a lot of pain about that and I know that they have grief that we're not raising our son in this religion.

Navigating Authentic Communication in Relationships

Speaker 1

And I'll say it like this guys, I have recognized that I am showing up insecure currently in my relationship with my parents. I'm avoiding it because I am hurt by the lack of support. So today, in my coaching in fact, I decided that I'm going to say the vulnerable thing, which is just to say I don't feel safe talking to you guys about my stuff and I don't know what that means moving forward. But I know that there's going to be some hard conversations. If we want to do anything, I'm down for that. That has been months of me really really not wanting to send that, but I know more. I'm like just okay with breadcrumbs and I feel like you know, 80 years old, got a lot of time left. So I think we can change this if we choose to. So that's what I'm hopeful for. I'm hopeful for that.

Speaker 1

Yeah, you just said something that sparked another question. You said that you show up as insecure with your parents. So do you believe that you can show up differently in different aspects of your life, with different partners or in different relationships? Because I think I've always thought that whenever your attachment style was, that's how you showed up in all relationships, but it sounds like that's not the case. It's not the case. So I'll actually use my mother as an example. So when I first learned about attachment styles, I was talking about it with everyone this is in 2020, just super excited about it and had her actually take a quiz and she it showed secure. Well, okay, fine, you've been married to this person for 40 something years, so I'm sure you are secure in it. Right, but let's take it again and let's take it with your relationships, with your children in mind. Yeah, it comes out differently. Why is that? Okay, there can be people who even have come up with secure attachment to their parents, but then they get into. Let's say, you've come out of the closet. This is your catalyst person. Maybe it's a crazy toxic relationship that can absolutely now be causing attachment loans, right, when there's like emotion plus repetition that just like digs the thing in, and then the meaning we give it is so important. So you can absolutely shift where you are on the spectrum.

Speaker 1

A different traumatic experience can cause different wounding than you've had before. Super anxious, and you are also anxious. Maybe their high anxiety actually pushes you more towards avoidance. Like, maybe their high anxiety actually feels more needy than what you've ever considered yourself. I recognized in myself the avoidance when, every time a podcast interview came out and I didn't hear from them, there was an emotion, there was like pain, because I've been really excited about these things and I've got good friends and people who are supporting me, and I've been sad to not hear from my parents on, like, what their thoughts are, on like me just talking about my life. It's a yeah, you've heard it.

Speaker 1

It's a crazy story and, to be just so open about it, that pain kept bugging me and so since I don't, you know, just push my feelings away, I had to really sit with it and I realized it was about this level of support and that I didn't know how to ask, and so I wasn't asking at all and I am a person who's practicing secure attachment, and so today I was like no more, I'm not going to keep showing up insecure in this. There's a clear need. It's not being met and these crumbs aren't doing it, and it's okay to ask for what we need, and if they can't meet it, that's also okay. I don't have an attachment to the outcome Because I can't control the outcome, right, and yeah, you have to take that perspective when you can't control other people, and so all you can do is advocate for yourself, and so all you can do is advocate for yourself, and part of that application may be loving somebody from afar, stepping away from a relationship because it doesn't serve you, and that's how you're honoring yourselves. Yeah, see, my heart says yes, it is, and it's not only relationship with people we are with, it's just overall.

Speaker 1

Sometimes you realize that you know what I can't be around this person, and if it's sometime, how are some? But it's the right thing to do. You got to protect yourself as well. Yeah, you got to protect yourself. You got to know what you're protecting too, though, right, like, if you don't have an understanding of your needs, how are you going to understand why this thing keeps happening? Right, if you have a need for certainty and you've got this friend who kind of, just like, keeps showing up and dipping, that's going to create anxiety. You have a need for certainty. You need to let them know. Hey, I actually take my time and energy and resources super serious, so it's cool if you don't want to do the thing, but you know and then lay out whatever it is you need.

Speaker 1

That's part of this coaching as well is because we are so trained to people please and we don't really know who we are and a lot of times we stay so busy numbing and running like who's stopping to figure out who they are. A lot of us are like literally avoiding being alone so that we don't have to have that sit down like I always tell a lot of times. Tell her that the friends that I am, I know they are genuine because I'm a very open and honest person and you will know. And she's always like oh, you don't have to say what you feel I'm like. It's a matter of saying what I feel. It's a matter of being honest, because you're going to get a true, authentic man. If I don't care for you, am I going to pretend that I do? I don't want to be honest with them about what's going on.

Speaker 1

Unfortunately, some people don't like it. You know it's something that I had to learn living here, because back home in Jamaica, where I grew up. You tell people how you feel and it creates a better relationship, but it's the opposite here. Yes, yes, it is opposite because of the conflict. Well, I always tell her it's.

Speaker 1

It's a couple things. In some instances it's not about your actual message. What you're saying, it's how you're saying, it's a tone. Tone, yeah, but also you can say some things more diplomatically or you can be very harsh and she will say that being diplomatic is being fake, and I disagree. You can still tell the truth. It's going to be better received instead of being received with hostility and avoidance. If you actually care about getting the message across, then you have to temper how you say it or say it in a way that the recipient is going to receive it. It's true, it's true, but why does that? Okay, so go ahead. People also have to be natural, authentic.

Speaker 1

So I believe in just telling people exactly how they feel and keep it moving. It's not a matter of being aggressive or being diplomatic, but I don't need to sugarcoat it. I just need to tell you quickly and as easy as possible. This is how I feel about you and this is how I feel about this partner, this situation and that's it. If you want to let me afterwards, it's fine, because if not I don't care. All right, well, can I challenge you a little with a little coach here? Would care? All right? Well, can I challenge you a little with a little coach here? All right, here's my challenge.

Speaker 1

My question is telling someone how you feel probably doesn't end with one word, right? If you're saying I feel, it probably has a lot of words after it about them, right? So you're not expressing feeling, you're expressing thinking. So if you want to tell someone what you feel about them, you're going to have to feel it first, so you know what it is. So that's the first thing, that, yes, it's very easy to be like I'm going to be honest and I'm just going to say the thing, but if you're someone who doesn't know how to feel your feelings and then discuss them, yeah, you're going to just show up with it.

Speaker 1

I feel like you're just an asshole whenever you tell me the blah, blah, blah or like whatever it is, you're saying like whatever it is. You're saying like that's not a feeling, that's thinking, that's. I've had an emotion, I've put thought together. Now I have this thinking about it. So my challenge would be figure out what do you feel and then figure out what's under that feeling, right, what is it? Is it? I don't know? Can we play one out? What's an example of someone who's like you've pulled off lately? It is a really important distinction between I have this feeling and what I actually wind up.

Speaker 1

Sharing is this story, my thinking, my story about this situation, and that's not always received well. So I'll give an example of a time that I did that. So I fell asleep and it's deep in that, so I felt so stupid. But I heard her on the phone with a co-worker who was a friend of hers, telling him about I don't remember what the situation was, but it was new information and I hadn't heard it before, and so my feelings were hurt, I guess. Actually, I was left out, very dumb.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I felt left out, and so the narrative in my head that I communicated to her was that, oh, you like talking to this person more than me and you know you are telling them, like all these things, and you're not taking time to talk to me. So those, those things are very different, and if I had shared my feelings, then I'm just I mean she and she actually did receive it well, but, uh, it could have gone the wrong way. But if you didn't, but if I shared my feelings, it would't had a higher probability of going right and for her to really feel my feelings. And in turn, because of that empathy not wanting to make sure I didn't feel that way again by doing certain things, and so I call it like secure scripts, right? So you just named it I felt hurt. When I sat with that hurt, I realized, and then here comes the wound. I realized I felt left out.

Transformative Coaching for Personal Growth

Speaker 1

And then what happens then is your brain, your subconscious, is like Ooh, here's all these other times you felt left out, do you remember? And it like throws this Rolodex and then all those feelings come up. And then, all of a sudden, you're pissed about a conversation that you don't even know shit about, right, and you're making all these assumptions and reading between lines. So it's the feeling, then the wound, and then the most important part of this narrative is what you make. It mean, yeah, did you hear what you were making? I mean she doesn't want to talk to me. It is this other thing I'm not considering, right? All of a sudden, this whole false reality has been created. And, let's say, you didn't even share it with her, but I bet you could have been real chippy with her through the night and she would have been like what the fuck right? And like, all of a sudden you guys are fighting and this whole thing is a false reality. That shit happens all the time. That's that, honestly. That is such a huge problem in queer relationships is these assumptions that are made, the meaning that we make and then we run with it and we'll win. Uh huh, I love it, it. I love this. Kylie, I will tell you that I am definitely going to investigate your attachment assessment and this love development.

Speaker 1

I have a therapist. I was a therapist. I was a child, not listening therapist and I related to you because I worked in a secure lockdown facility as a child and I was a therapist and one of my really good friends was a recreational therapist. But, yeah, therapy is one thing and coaching is another. I have coaches for my work, but not for my personal life, and I can definitely see the difference between the work I do in therapy versus the way you describe this work and, honestly, his scenes were actually useful. Hey, I'm just gonna say this okay, like, therapy is useful, right, but also talk therapy can be a lot of talk therapy, right. And it is different because they're not going to just straight up advise you and be like, all right, all right, fuck off with this, we're going to just go practice. Like they're not going to just straight up advise you and be like, all right, all right, fuck up with this, we're going to just go practice. Like they're not going to challenge you as hard.

Speaker 1

Because it is important for us to, I think, sometimes tell the story, but for me, coaching is where we write the new one, like, okay, cool, glad that that's where we've been. Where do you want to go? Right, like this whole thing is in our control and we've just, it's not, but it is. And then you do become empowered and all of a sudden you're out here like creating a future that, like you, never would have dreamed of I would never y'all. I broke a trauma bond one year ago. One year ago, I got out of that trauma bond that started when I was 16 years old. All right, like I never would have could have dreamed of really attached. But this is the result of me really starting to observe my own thoughts, not believing every fucking thing I think and being curious about myself, like self-discovery is such a joy because you really do get to then meet humanity in a different way. When you can show up with more grace and kindness here, you just start to understand perspective differently. Yeah, I totally agree.

Speaker 1

I was having a conversation with our day-to-day because she's like why you stop going to your therapist and I said I've been going to therapists for probably around seven years now and it's not working no more for me, because all we do is just talk about the same things. I don't want to be in that type of therapist session anymore. It feels like I'm just going in there and repeating myself, just talking, and it's not working. I need more of in there and beating myself, just talking, and it's not working. I need more of an action that involves the traditional therapist. It takes you so far Because if I even change a therapist, I realize that I changed at least four therapists and I'm not getting the results. So I'm like I don't even feel the need to go anymore, yep. And then it's like eventually you'll realize shit, I do need something.

Speaker 1

And then it becomes this hunt again for a therapist, and then a therapist who's queer, and maybe hopefully BIPOC and like all these things, like it's so hard to find someone who, like, actually can sit across from you and like, yeah, I get what you're going through. Right, I've been fortunate. I've had fantastic therapists, but they are cis white women who have not experienced this, who have been very open to learning, not only about the queer experience but the Mormon experience. But yeah, it is just different when you're showing up with an actual action plan, not just monologuing, listening for four to five minutes and then okay, well, let's set another date and we'll do it again. Yeah, you start to get to the point where I don't really remember what we're going in here to talk about. Stuff will come up it always does Because the truth is, these things that we're coaching, these are parts of you guys.

Speaker 1

They're like parts in you who are like hi, I still have feelings about some things that you never addressed and in fact, now our body is screaming at us about these things and I would really like to talk with you. Emotions are just old friends. They're just showing up to tell you a message. If you shove them down in the basement like, they will squat, you know what I mean. Like you've got to address them because they're just a message from your body. Emotions are somatic. You should be feeling them. You should feel them in your body. Well, this has been fantastic.

Empowering Personal Growth and Boundaries

Speaker 1

I love the work that you do. I imagine that most of the people who hear this episode will be reaching out to you. So I have your website. Is that the best way to reach you? We have email. You're on social media, yep, so let's see. I'm at Queerly Attached on Instagram and TikTok. I've got Facebook Queerly Attached. I also have a private Facebook group. We've got about 80 people in there. Now we're doing Zooms once a week. I'm going live. The quiz is on the website, queerlyattachednet. Oh my God, if you want to email me, hello at QueerlyAttachednet. And I want to hear from you too. I want to coach your asses. Let's go, you'll be, says. Let's go, you will be hearing from us. I love it. I was so excited.

Speaker 1

Since I mentioned BIPOC, can I tell you about my first client really fast. My first client came to me in February. She's a black gal from New Jersey. She's 30 years old and in her words, her first girlfriend turned her the fuck out like she had no fucking idea that she was gay and she had no fucking idea that she was gay. And she had one week post breakup and was like, fuck this, I can't, I'm not this, ain't it. So she found me. She found me and what was so dope with this first client and I'm going to shout her out Najira. Najira is so dope. She's still working with me because she saw such an impact.

Speaker 1

In five weeks we had her over that breakup, right. And also in that time she was like, oh shit, I have a lot of boundarylessness in my home life. And she made the decision and she said this was so impactful for her, a black woman, to invest in her mental health, to put herself first, to be like, yeah, I am going to put my needs first. Man guys, her life has completely 180. And it has just been like such a joy. She's my ultimate like. I love that girl.

Speaker 1

So amazing and at 30, to have this knowledge. You're going to crush it, you know. So, yeah, I had to tell you about that and it's amazing. She's probably going to take over your job. She probably is. I told her you're made for it, man. You're made for it. I want to. Everybody, let's go. We're bringing everybody up. Yeah, all right, listeners. There you have it Kylie Weathers, a former Mormon, a mother, a recreational therapist and, most importantly, she's a certified life coach and a founder of Purely Attached, which is teaching people a new way to look deeper into self. Kylie, this was amazing. I've learned so much and I'm sure the listeners are going to be reaching out to you because you know what it's a new day, it's a new type of therapy, it's interaction, totally. Yeah, just a pleasure having you on the Queer, understanding, and thank you so much for giving us this knowledge. Yeah, thank you.