The No Contact Trend - Protecting Peace or Avoiding Conflict?

In this episode, we’re getting real about the trend of going “no contact” and cutting people off to protect your peace. Is it truly self-care… or are we sometimes avoiding accountability?

I’m sharing personal experiences where cutting ties was absolutely necessary, and moments where I had to take a hard look in the mirror and realize I was part of the problem. This conversation dives into boundaries, healing, relationships, and the fine line between protecting your peace and running from growth.

Plus, this episode is sponsored by author and motivational speaker Shamicka C. Toney, featuring powerful reads for both adults and young readers.

If you’ve ever questioned whether to walk away or work things out… this one’s for you.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Well, hey there, friends. Can y'all believe we are already on episode five of season two? Like, this is crazy. I miss doing my podcast so much. And I was like, I wonder if I can still do it. I wonder if anybody is going to like it. I wonder if I'm going to have enough things to talk about. And we are already on episode five. So, yay me. Go, y'all. We did it. As always, I am your host, Mallory Pettinger. And I have a pretty controversial subject. At least I think it is for the episode today. We are going to talk about is cutting people off the best way to find peace and resolution. And what do I mean by cutting people off? So I was scrolling maybe a couple months ago, and I came across this whole um no contact, low contact trend. And I wrote it down so that I could make sure I said it right. So going no contact is defined by the internet powers that be as cutting off mostly family, but friends as well, blocking them on social media, blocking their phone numbers, not being at the same events and gathering as them, uh, just completely distancing yourself and not being around them at all, completely cutting them out of your life. No low contact, sorry. Low contact is very similar to that, but like, you know, it's just you do have some contact. And what's so like crazy about it, or what people are debating about, is this just like a trendy thing that people are doing, or is this like, is it real? You know what I mean? Like, is it something that is beneficial to you? Is it the best option? You know, that kind of thing. And it got me to thinking about kind of myself and the things that I've done in situations where I have limited contact with somebody, or um I have just, you know, let a friendship or relationship just run its course and move on with life. But I never really thought to put a name to it or um felt like, you know, I have to cut this person off. And I get that there are situations where people do. You just, you sometimes you do have to cut people off. But I would ask, is that the best option? So the internet is saying that people are doing this to avoid confrontation and to avoid conflict. I can see that. I can see that for sure. Um, but then the people who are doing it are in the process of actually like cutting people off or have done that and gone no contact, they say it's the best thing ever. They feel like there's no way forward if they are still communicating with this person and are forcing themselves to have some kind of relationship with this person. I can get that too. So my question to people who actually do that is how often are you doing that? Like, is that your go-to, or is it kind of like your last resort? My here, I'll put myself in a position. So years ago, I had a friendship with a person, and we had a really, really good friendship for a while. Then I started to notice that I never heard from the person unless the person needed something for me. And by needed something for me, it we could be talking about anything. We could be talking about um conversation, we could be talking about advice, um, me showing up somewhere for them, um, me just allowing them to vent, you know, just whatever you could think of needed something to mean. That's what it means. And so when it came to me needing something, they were nowhere to be found. I mean, you could find them, but for limited time only. Like it was a flash sale or something. You know what I mean? Like, I'm the type of person, let me just backtrack. Tell you a little about me. I am the type of person, I am a homebody to the core. I am a homebody that enjoys being at home. I would rather be at home with something good to eat and a really, really good movie and my husband than go out partying or whatever. But I will show up for you, right? If I have the ability to show up for you, like I don't have a prior engagement, I don't have something going on with my kids because my kids come first, or I don't have something that I had playing with my husband because my husband comes first, I'm gonna show up for you. And I have spent a lot of years showing up for people. And that takes a lot for me. Um, I have the type of personality where big social situations just drains me fast. I I I I call it social anxiety, but I don't really think that's what it is because I don't necessarily like get anxious or have an anxious or what do you call it, anxiety attack? Use your words, Mallory. Um, but like in a social situation, I give what I got and I'm just depleted really fast. And it's just like, okay, I'm ready to go now. Like, I don't, I don't have anything left. So when I give myself like that to people, and I'm like, you know, you need me, I'm there. Like, let me know. And I show up for people, it takes a lot. And I know they're not asking, you know, to do a lot. They're not asking me to do a lot, or they're not forcing me to do a lot. But I just want people to understand that it takes a lot for me because of how I am in social situations. And this, I to this day, there's not a lot I've been able to do about that. It's gotten better. It's gotten a lot better, but I'm still working on me. Um, so when you show up for people that don't show up for you, it's a little, it's disheartening for one, it's disappointing, but it's also very eye-opening. Like, okay, you get to a point where you're like, this is, I think this will do it for me. Like, I've seen what I needed to see and immediately know. Thanks, Justin. Um, and so this person, I would constantly show up for this person, and they would never show up for me in any way, shape, or form. And so I decided to let that relationship run its course, and it did. And when I stopped reaching out, they stopped reaching out. When I stopped showing up, they were hardly even showing up to begin with. And so then they stopped showing up completely. And I was like, okay, well, cool. That was that. I don't really consider that to be going low or no contact, but I feel like that's what that kind of is, maybe. What do y'all think? Um, I d I didn't put a name to it, but I also didn't feel like there was a hard line of I need to block you, I need to block you on social media, I need to remove you. Like, I I didn't need to do all that because I knew that my time had come with that person, and I just let it fade. But then there are other situations where there was a friendship or a relationship, and you know, I said what I needed to say about how I felt that I was being let down as a friend, and how I felt I was showing up for that friend, and they just weren't doing the same for me. They weren't reciprocating. And there was a discussion that happened, you know, a normal adult discussion that happened, and it was kind of like miscommunications, like timing of it all, and it was a very engaging and healing conversation. And we were able to fix things. And I said all that to say currently the discussion with going low or no contact is are we doing that just because we're avoiding things? Or if we're doing it because it's absolutely necessary in some situations, are we going to that as our go-to move? Right. And I think that's that's a conversation that we really do need to have. Um, and I think about like my kids, their generation and the generation after them. We are literally raising kids who cannot deal with any sort of conflict. And not me specifically, just saying like the parents of my generation and the kids that they're having and that are coming up behind us. There are whole generations of kids now where if you don't agree with them, they melt down. If you question anything that they're doing, they crawl into a hole. If you are not gentle parenting, you are attacking them and you are berating them. And I can see why people are very, very leery of the low contact, no contact. Especially if you're doing it all the time. Like if you're doing it all the time at the drop of a hat, that's a problem. Because then instead of creating a place of peace and healing and resolution by getting rid of what you claim is quote toxic and you don't need to be around, and it's not good for you to be around, you're just creating this silo, this bubble, and you're not gonna be able to deal with anybody, you're not gonna have anybody left because you're not always gonna agree with everything, you're not always gonna get along with everybody, you're not always going to have amazing, wonderful experiences with people, and sometimes you will, but has. Sometimes y'all are gonna get into it. Sometimes y'all are gonna cuss each other out and y'all are gonna want to fight, and it's gonna be get away from me. I don't need to talk to you, I can't stand you because that's how people are feeling in the moment. And sometimes it's necessary to even say that, you know what I mean? Like, I haven't had many situations where I just felt like I was like, oh, I'm ready to go. You know what I'm saying? But I have had situations to where um I was super angry with a specific person that I had a relationship with, and I just, oh, if I could fight, I would fight. But I'm just not that type of person to fight a friend. But I really wanted to, like I really wanted to. But when I calmed down, I had the conversation. Like, look, this this can't be like this. Like, that's a hard line no for me. We can't do this, we can't proceed like that. And so this is what I got for you. This is what I can do. We can do A or we can do B and just keep it moving. But this is how I feel, and the ball is now in your court. So there's this huge, huge concern with people who go to no contact, low contact as the first option. And I'm curious to see if people think that that is the most healthy thing to do, or if they literally don't know how to deal with their emotions and deal with conflict, and that's the only thing that they know to do, because that would be scary.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

Hey friends, this episode is powered by inspiration from Shemika C. Tony, award-winning author, a motivational speaker, and champion for anyone who's ever wondered what if. Shemika believes that behind every dream is a question and the courage to act on it. With her powerful books like Discovering the Covering and Approaching the Bench, her message reminds us that Roma begins with a wonderful step. You can look Shemika for your next motivational or inspirational speaking event. Invite her to your elementary school or library for a special story time featuring her new children's series, Jameis and the Fly, or have her join your book club for a faith-based romance discussion.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

Visit shamekatony.com to connect and learn more and start asking what if the other question that I would pose is at what point is it you like if you feel you always are cutting somebody off, or you feel like there's multiple people in your life that you have to go low or no contact with, at what point is some of that you and do you need to look inward and figure out what is it that I'm doing wrong, where I'm consistently ending up in these situations where I need to cut people out of my life because they're toxic, or cut people out of my life because they are threatening my peace. Do you think it's all them? Or it could it possibly be maybe a little bit of something that you did or are doing, or is part of your personality, and you're not looking inward at all because it's clearly other people. I'm going to guess that if you are having to cut people out of your life all the time, it's not just other people. It's probably a little bit of something that's going on with you. And I will use myself as a little uh sacrificial lamb and go out there and say that I have absolutely been in situations where it's most definitely me. I know that I don't have the greatest patience with some things. I know that I can be short about some things. I know that I can just let words fly out of my mouth. And I'm gonna use this example because this is the first thing that came to my head. And I'm just gonna say in advance to see you. I'm sorry. I'm just using it as an example of how I was wrong. So I'm telling you, I was wrong, girl. Um, when I was kids, we had a trio friend group. And in this friend group, we had decided that we were going to sing, right? We were gonna sing and we were gonna do our thing. We were gonna try to get signed, all these things. You know how you do when you're young and you got these friends that you love to be around. We were all best friends. So I couldn't tell you what we were talking about. We were walking and talking, couldn't tell you what we were talking about, couldn't tell you what was being said like in that moment. But I splurted out something about what one of the friends couldn't do. And it was just like record scratching. They were like, why would you say that? I don't even remember saying that. Like it came out so fast, I don't remember thinking it. I don't remember saying it out loud. And to this day, I'm like, I can't believe they said that I made a comment that I have no recollection of making. But that's how that's how fast stuff would come out of my mouth. Um, and it was hurtful to the one friend, you know what I'm saying? And it was just like that was me. Like that's who I was at that time. I just I felt like I was blunt and I just, you know, I didn't sugarcoat things, and I just said what I was thinking. Not a good idea if you want to keep friends. So in those situations where I'm coming across people who I'm attracting, you know, people that I feel like I need to cut out, that would be me. Like I would be the one that was wrong in those situations because you can't just say everything you think. And like you sometimes you got a KYP, you got to know your personnel, you got to know who you're talking to, you need to know who they are as friends in that relationship. You need to know how to speak to them, you need to know what you can and can't say. And it took me a few years to learn that and a few failed friendships and relationships to learn that. But eventually I came to grips with the fact that I was the problem and I had things I need to work on. So to have cut people out of my life when I'm the problem is wild. Like super extra de duper wild. So I guess I want you to really think about, you know, situations. If you're cutting people off purely because that is the last resort, or if you've gotten comfortable in walking away because it's easier than dealing with the conflict that may come from people getting their feelings out. One thing that I do know has been a work in progress for me, and my husband swears up and down that I have it perfected. I do not. I've just been through a lot in my lifetime. Um, and there are things that I have decided that I don't want. I don't want to argue. I don't want to fight. I don't want to hold anger. Um, I don't want to be so in my feelings when I'm having a disagreement with somebody that it ends up getting to a point where neither person is being heard or understood. And so I've been working for years and years and years not to be the person within a conflict that escalates things. So I'm very calculated in what I say, and by calculated I mean I listen, even in anger, I listen and I fight like I fight not to cut people off and say what I want to say because that ain't true. You lying on me. Um but I listen and I try to absorb what's being said, and I take my time to respond in a way that is respectful, makes the person understand that I'm hearing them, but then also articulates how I'm feeling in that moment at the same time. And I think that is a lost art form. Like everybody is right, everybody else is wrong. No, you need to hear me, I don't need to hear you. And it's just so much more that we can be doing in those situations to avoid getting to the point where we immediately cut people off. I will say this I am not by any standard saying that you should not cut people off if that is the best decision for you. I have done it. I have no regrets. But it was in a situation where if I don't separate myself from you, I'm going to fight you. And I mean I mean that to my core. And if I get to the point where I want to fight somebody, then we don't need to ever be around each other again. I love you. I wish the best for you, but we don't have anything to talk about. Like, ever again. Literally have a family member right now. Like, you don't ever need to speak to me again. You don't ever need to say anything to me again. I love you. I wish you and your family the best. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, but we don't ever have to speak again. That's okay. Like, that's cool. I'm not gonna act like I don't see them if I'm around them or act like they don't exist or treat them bad. You know, if we're in the same social situation, but I'm I'm pretty good on you. Like, you stay over there and I'm good over here. And hey, I'll wave to you from a distance. Have a good day. So I get it. I get there are certain situations where you absolutely need to do that. I know that there are people who have relationships with parents or a lack thereof because the relationship they did have was extremely bad. And so you do have to distance yourself from those people in that situation. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but I understand that it has to be that way sometimes. I just hope that and all that you do and all that you consider when you're making that decision, you make it from a place of is there anything that could be done? Let me check that first. Is there anything that can be recovered or restored? Let me check that first. Is there anything that I could have done differently? Am I part of the problem? Let me check that first. And then if you still decide that's what you need, you go for it. And I hope the best for you at that decision. I hope you can live with that and I hope you feel good about that, and that your life gets exponentially better from making that decision. But I also on the flip side hope that you reflect on those things and in situations where you can fix it. Everybody says life is short. Life is immensely short. Like, as long as we think it is, as long as these years and days and weeks and all that get sometimes, life is terribly short. And I think a lot of times when we do these rapid cutoffs of people, we're holding on to feelings that we never deal with. So try to deal with them with the people first. If that's not an option, make sure you're dealing with it for yourself. Talk about it, go see somebody about it, work through it, and don't just cut off to avoid it, but cut off to actually heal and actually resolve those feelings that you got from that person in that situation. And I hope it works out for you. Thank you again, friends, for joining me. I hope you got something from this episode. I hope you go back and catch up on the other episodes. Thank you to our sponsor for this episode, the most amazing woman that I have talked to in a very, very, very long time. Shimika Tony, thank you so much. You have been great. Please go watch her episode because she she really dropped some gems and her story and all that she is working on with the public speaking and her books. It's just it's an amazing thing to see. Um, thank you for joining me once again. Bye.