#13 - Improve Your Very Own Sex Life & Relationship w/ Dr Tara

There is no holding back on this one - Sex and Relationship Professor, Dr Tara talks to us about how woman can take control of their sex lives.

Leesh and Janelle get honest about their sex lives, whilst Dr Tara gives actionable tips that everyone can easily implement to help improve your very own sex lives & relationships.

Find our guest Dr Tara
Website >>  www.luvbites.co
Insta >> www.instagram.com/luvbites.co
Podcast >> Luvbites Podcast

Find Janelle:
Website >> www.janellebridge.com.au
Insta >> www.instagram.com/janellebridge

Find Aleesha:
Insta >> www.instagram.com/unleeshd_you

Transcript

Janelle (00:01):

Hello, and

Speaker 2 (00:02):

Welcome to the permission givers podcast with Janelle and Alicia. Alicia is a soul coach who helps women come back to self to discover who they truly are and what they're here to do. Janelle that's me is a spiritual mentor and psychic medium who focuses on empowerment, spiritual growth, and finding

Janelle (00:19):

Your divine

Speaker 2 (00:19):

Purpose. We are are a women's empowerment podcast here to give your permission to choose yourself so you can unlock and live the life of your dreams. Let's go

Janelle (00:32):

Today. We welcome Dr. Tara to the show. Dr. Tara is a sex and relationship professor and the host of love by its podcast. She helps couples communicate properly to have better sex, and is here to talk to us about taking responsibility for your own sex life. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining us. Welcome.

Leesh (00:49):

Thank

Dr Tara (00:49):

You so much. Thank you so much for having me, ladies.

Leesh (00:52):

Thank you for being here. Super excited.

Janelle (00:55):

So we thought we'd maybe start with your story if that's okay. If you'd like to tell us why do you do the work that you do and why is it important to you?

Dr Tara (01:02):

Wow. Okay. I love that question, but it's always like, Hmm. My life story. Okay. So like millions of people, I was never fully satisfied with my sex life and it took a while to get here and I'm, I'm in my thirties. I grew up in Thailand in a sexually conservative environment. Like many of us did you grow up in a sexually conservative environment?

Janelle (01:30):

Not so much, but it wasn't really talked about in our household.

Dr Tara (01:33):

Okay. Yeah,

Leesh (01:34):

There was a lot of shame around it, but it didn't mean we didn't see it. So I think to me it was quite traumatic to be honest, it was like I had a yeah. Very dark, good relationship to sex.

Dr Tara (01:45):

Yeah. I like personally, I wouldn't say I had a dark relationship with sex or experience when I was younger, but definitely none at all. And like a lot of people, we did not have sex ed. My parents never talked about sex, but I know I was always curious. I remember remember trying to download porn with like our dialup internet and it was scary. I didn't want my parents to catch me and ever since teenage Tara, I was a serial monogamous. And, but I was, I would say I was never truly happy being in those relationships fast forward to my time in the PhD program, which was four years, I studied communication in relationships with really inspiring professors and also bought my first with a help of a friend in my cohort. And during this time my roommate and I who's my bestie, we were watching a lot of sex in the city.

Dr Tara (02:42):

She's trying to teach me like American culture. And we were watching a lot of sex in the city. And I remember vividly feeling very inspired by Samantha Jones and her sexually unapologetic attitude. And I figured like, how can I become more like that? And almost six years ago, I started my job as a relational and sexual communication professor at Cal state university Fulton and simultaneously embarking on this personal journey to become more sexually awakened. And from my research and teaching I learned that millions of people lack confidence and communication skills, which are really the key to a happy sex life. So I started my coaching business two years ago focusing on getting clarity in relationships, but also communi sexual desires and expectations. And then last year I launched my love bites by Dr. Tarara podcast that focused on sexual wellness and mindful relationship advice, and also gave my first Ted talk. Last year I

Janelle (03:53):

Watched it. It's amazing. Thank you so much for joining us. I did watch your Ted talk. I'm like, oh, gold. I, and it's funny. Thank you so much. It's funny that you mentioned Samantha Jones because you know, when we first connected, I was like, oh, that is your energy. Like, that is the energy that you have. So you have embodied that.

Dr Tara (04:11):

I'm trying. Yes, I am trying, I would see, I would say Samantha Jones and Esther who is like a famous psychotherapist of our time. Yeah. They're, they're like my role models and I'm like a merge of that. Like a, a naughty, a naughtier, Esther.

Janelle (04:30):

I love it. And these conversations need to be had, you know, as we've just discussed earlier, these conversations need to need to be discussed and, and we need to have them. And that's what we're here to do is give permiss. So I love that one of your core focuses is on communication and, you know, talking about the right questions to ask in a relationship or the right things to bring it up. Would you like to go into that into a little bit more detail? What should we be talking about?

Dr Tara (04:54):

Oh yeah. I would love that. That's one of my favorite conversations. Yeah. That I teach to also like my friends and, you know, my, my family. So talking about sex is necessary for long term sexual satisfaction. And I talk about that study based on 5,000 participants, much more in depth in my Ted talk. But the conclusion is it is necessary to have communication in your relationship or else there's no happy sex life in the long run, just not possible. So knowing and accepting that communication is necessary is the first step first step in shifting your mindset. Problem is a lot of people don't think sex is something you have to talk about. It's something that you just naturally do. Something that you should just naturally know how to do. And it should go really well when you love someone and it should go really well if we're meant to be together. Right. This is a kind of how romanticism failed us. Yeah. Did you grow up watching? Like romantic comedy movies? Yes.

Janelle (06:06):

Yeah. That's where everything's perfect.

Dr Tara (06:09):

Yeah. No need to talk. Really? No

Janelle (06:11):

Need to talk. Absolutely. No need to talk.

Dr Tara (06:13):

Yeah. We like lock eyes and it's immediately like, oh, just love is flowing. Sex is amazing. It's passionate. But then it ends right. The movie ends.

Janelle (06:22):

I I went through a stage of reading, like romance, novels, like so trashy, but I loved them. I recognized only like 20. And my husband was like, can you not? Cuz you're like, cause, and it wasn't even sexually, maybe a little bit, but just as to how they treat their partners in general. And it's just, and I was like, why aren't you like this? He actually was like, I'm gonna ban these books in our house. I was like, good luck, good luck banning anything for me. But I remember it was just setting up these ridiculous expectations as to what a relationship should look like.

Dr Tara (06:55):

Yeah.

Janelle (06:55):

I highly highly understand. Yep.

Dr Tara (06:59):

Yeah. That's the problem is our media books shows, movies, all of 'em. They don't help us have healthy relationships. Yeah.

Janelle (07:10):

Yeah.

Dr Tara (07:11):

So one of the, one of the stigma when it comes to sex is if you talk about it, you have a problem. Mm yeah. Right. If you say, Hey, can we talk about sex? Oh, what's the problem. Mm.

Dr Tara (07:24):

Immediately, if you, and I've seen this in so many of my clients is the first thing that I recommend is you should talk about this. And the first thing my client would say is I can bring it up. As soon as I say, Hey, can we talk about sex? My partner goes was wrong. Nothing's wrong having, we're having a conversation, just like what you do today. Right. Did you come last night? What else can I do to pleasure you? Like, you know, what are what do you think? How many times do you wanna have sex a week a month? Like make it, so that it's a part of your relationship culture. Yes. So my advice would be for people that are in early dating and early is subjective. Some people feel like it's up to one year. Some people feel like it's up to two years.

Dr Tara (08:13):

It just depends on which coach you're talking to, which researcher you're talking to. Some people it's like first three months. Right. Just depends. So let's say you feel like you're in quote unquote, early dating. You should start talking about sex more, anything at all. Even just maybe watching a movie, like what did you think about that scene, right? Or maybe you are seeing a, like 50 of gray poster and like, do you ever wanna try that? Right. So that kind of just having any laid back conversation about sex is good, because then it's a part of your culture. A part of your relationship culture is it's okay to bring up sex. And that's really good priming in any relationship, really? In the first one to two years, you should really be talking about sex as in like it's a normal thing. Sex is normal. So what are some specific questions to bring up? Yes.

Dr Tara (09:11):

We all enter relationships. Even if we say we, well, I'm not gonna expect anything. I'm not gonna expect anything. We expect something we're humans, it's natural to have expectations. And the problem, most problems arise when there is mismatch of two peoples or more expectations. Right? What if I expect sex twice a week? And my partner expects sex five times a week. And what if my partner feels like sex two times a week means I'm not very attracted to him. Right. All of these expectations without verbalizing can be detrimental people assume so many things like, can you remember when you were younger? Like what were some of the things you assumed in a relationship like? I wonder,

Janelle (10:07):

Oh yeah. And it's still the same now. So my husband and I have been together for 20 years. We've been together since, yeah. Since babies and

Dr Tara (10:15):

Years.

Janelle (10:16):

And even now, just as you were saying, then we have a child who does not sleep. So my child's 10 and he really struggles to fall asleep. So it's midnight each night before he falls asleep. So that's, that's taxing cuz he also can't go to mainstream school. So that's taxing on time to have sex, but you know, my husband went out the other day and he, he, they played like paintball, so he was exhausted and he came home, we got our child to sleep by 10 o'clock and he was just too tired. And I was like, same thing story in my head. I'm not attractive anymore. He's like, don't be ridiculous. Like I've broken my back. Like I can't move. And I was like,

Janelle (10:49):

You know, but communication helped us just go. Yeah. It's not a thing right now. Whereas previously in the past that would become a big for the both of us as well. So for both of us, you know, when two babies, two years apart, you know, and he'd be like, do you still find me attractive? I'm like, yeah, I'm just exhausted. You know, I just don't have capacity at the end of every day. And that same thing, that same kind of expectations as to when do you want it us as, when do I have on it? And for me, I was like, when I'm not dying of, I don't have a baby on my boob, 24 7, I'm happy to up the ante, you know, but right now I can't have sex with you every night, you know? But that was obviously his way of looking for connection and looking for I'm still important to you, you know, we've been together 10 years and now the sudden there's babies here that take your attention off me. So yeah. Both ways stories in both of our hands. Yeah.

Dr Tara (11:39):

I love that. And what you just said is, is very on point. Most for most people sex isn't about sex sex is about, do you still want me?

Janelle (11:47):

Yes. Yep.

Dr Tara (11:48):

And that's a very powerful feeling in a relationship whenever you feel like you're lacking that the relationship is it's, it's an downhill.

Janelle (11:57):

Well, I find it's that instant pull away cuz you start to protect your feelings a little bit too, is what I find with us. Yeah. The, the minute that we're not having regular sex, it's kind of like, I like you less. Yeah. You and it's not about the sex. Yeah.

Dr Tara (12:14):

I like that. You said regular, right? That's one of the questions. What is regular.

Janelle (12:19):

Yeah. Right. It's

Dr Tara (12:20):

Different for everyone. Isn't that? Yeah. One of the questions is frequency. Yes. how many times a week do you feel like you would like to have sex? Right? How many times a week? What about you ladies? How many would you say like that would make you feel happy, fulfilled in your sex life?

Janelle (12:38):

Yeah. So 20 years down the track, I'm fine with every second day, Not happening at the moment. I'll be honest. You know, it, it has to be, we have to squeeze it in while we can because of my beautiful, beautiful child, but that's kind of my prime happiness. Give me a night just to like put on my gross pajamas and climb into bed and just be gross and cuddle me. And then yeah,

Dr Tara (13:01):

Yeah,

Janelle (13:02):

That, that's fine. That's a balance of both world for me, as

Dr Tara (13:04):

I say, what about you Alicia?

Leesh (13:06):

And I I rolled through so many different phases and I was in a marriage, my second relationship for 2019 years. And my reflection on my sex life then was feeling consistently chased because I had some limitations around feeling safe with sex. And so we, and it wasn't had nothing to do with him. It was just the stories in my head around sex stopped me from feeling sexual and stopped me from wanting to have sex. And so it felt like a chore. I think I, I cannot be honest about this speaking to him. And he knew that like this, he was part of this scenario. But consistently felt chased. Like I felt like even if I had sex every day with him, it was never gonna be enough, but that was potentially my limiting beliefs around what sex was and it was a job.

Leesh (14:02):

And then so I've been separated for six years. Then I went on a two year celibacy like it didn't wasn't forced or anything like that. I just chose. I chose that. I laid out that way and that was really beautiful. And I'll tell you, I potentially orgasmed every day, like every day on my own like so when I say celibacy, it was just like no physical intimacy with another human, but much, much, much more physical intimacy with my self and such a learning growth process. That was, I lit, I tapped into my emotions through sexual pleasure. So I would literally feel like I wasn't doing it right if I didn't hit that crying orgasm and it was, it was a beautiful, beautiful process. So two years of that and as I said daily, sometimes more than once a day.

Leesh (14:59):

Hell yeah. And then, and then I kind of feel like, I would say broke the drought after two years, which was about a year ago. And so I have been physically in Dominican again. And I feel I could probably go daily would be good for me. Physical intimacy daily, which is not the same woman that I was. So that's why I say I can see these phases that I've rolled through from becoming sexually active to who I am today. And I, I, I realized too that the reason I would be more comfortable with daily sex now is the phase I'm in. Like Janelle was saying, I don't have my youngest child is 17. So I don't have the pressures of a young family to raise. I've quite, you know, my, my life is quite free. And then I work for myself.

Leesh (15:49):

So I don't have the structure of having to be at some other businesses or companies back in call. I do, I, I structure my life around me and I would prioritize that now I believe I would pro because I have a healthier relationship with what sex is for me and for an intimate partner. Yeah, that's, I'd say where I'm at now. I think daily daily and I, it would be about, yeah. How I was feeling that day too. I, I, this expectation, which I know comes with an intimate relationship I feel like there's also gotta be some sort of flexibility around how someone's feeling in the moment. Like if, if you pre-planned, yeah, we need this every day, but also to understand that some they're just not feeling it and to be okay with that and to be okay with that. But there, there is, I guess it's a bargaining agreement when you come up with your expectations and say, can you meet this? Yes, I can. I can. But I'm human is, is where I'd be at,

Janelle (16:51):

I guess what just came up for me. There was in there early stages of dating. It's gonna be a lot different to 20 years down the track or 10 years down the track when life is so different, like so different. So it's a negotiable contract that we have to talk about all the time. Hey, like we have to reenter those negotiations and go, I'm struggling, let's chat. And I love what you've said so far about just, just making it normal to be like, Hey, can you, instead of, would you go, Hey, can you help me out with dinner? Like, can you call dinner a few more nights a week? Can you help me out with this? Can we chat about sex? It shouldn't be nerve

Leesh (17:23):

Taking the stigma away. Sure. The uncomfortability of having the conversation and like you were saying, because it's an evolution of the conversation. It's not like you have the conversation at start of your relationship and the is done right as your life phases change. And as your, the expectations of life around you change is so must sensation. And so I, I, I realize getting comfortable with the practice of communicating sex yeah. And about sex is gonna support the journey of, of that communication as your life changes.

Dr Tara (17:52):

Yeah. Oh, wow. I love both of your stories. I think they're beautiful. They definitely highlight, you know, growth communication and like re importantly agility relationship agility is a huge, you know, research topic in the sex and relationship research realm. And the best way couples can be together and be happy in a long run is when they have high agility, they can adapt. And they, they understand the different dynamics of different stressors of life, right? When you're together for 10, 20 years. There's so many things that happen to you as an individual and happen to you as a couple. And how do you come out of it? Strong that's the agility part. And for some people, their agility is so low that when there's one problem, it breaks, right. Wow. Or that they have never inserted communication practices into their relationship culture. Then when the, these problems arise, they just shove it and shove it and shove it in. And then, you know, five years later explode, and then there's no going back. I've I really appreciate you sharing about your previous relationship and how you were, you felt like you had to like give sex all the time and it wasn't something you wanted, you had to give it, you have to give it up. Right. And it felt like a chore millions, if not more, you like this right now,

Leesh (19:28):

I'm actually emotional right now because,

Leesh (19:33):

Cause what you're speaking about right now, I look back to 20 year old me that was in love with this man that I married for 20 years, adored him, worshiped him. And I just wish that someone had this conversation that we are having right now with me back then so that I could like start having conversations with him and then potentially like the ideals that we held around sex and what it was and what it meant and how important it was may have changed. I'm also this aware woman now that realizes that everything's always playing out how it's supposed to. So, but, but there's something emotional in me that, that looks back at that version of me 20 plus years ago. And thanks God, I wish there was more women out there having these conversations and so for that reason, I just wanna say, thank you, thank you for what you do. Right now it's hitting me really deeply how important the is. Thank you.

Dr Tara (20:34):

Thank you. Thanks for that. That makes me feel really good, warm and fuzzy inside. I I'm, I mean, I'm a true believer of communication solves most problems.

Leesh (20:45):

Yes.

Dr Tara (20:46):

And it really does. Most of the problems that people come to me with, I can easily see that communication can easily solve that. But the communication part is so hard for them. It's not that they don't know it's it's not that it's not the problem. For example, right? Exhibit a many couples come to me, they have mismatched sexual desires. One wants a lot more sex than the other, what to do, right? This is a very common phenomenon, lots and lots of couples have this problem. And when probed deeper for most of these couples is not out sex. It's about them not communicating their expectations and why they're feeling the way they're feeling. A lot of times it's, it's the men not getting enough sex or they feel like they're not getting enough sex. And it's ultimately not about sex. It's ultimately about them feeling unwanted.

Dr Tara (21:49):

Yeah. That their female partner is no longer attracted to them that their partner no longer wants to be their wife or girlfriend, that they just care about being a mother. And they forget their partner. They now are 100%. Mom and wife is nowhere to be found. And they feel lonely. These men that come to me, they feel lonely. They don't hate their partner. They don't want like seven times, six a week. They want to feel wanted. They want to feel like their wife love them and want them and think they're attractive. Right? So they're just lonely in their relationship. Now on the other, the wives are also lonely. They're lonely for, because they feel like they have all these responsibilities. Plus they feel like a failure because they're not sexually fulfilling their husbands. Right? So that guilt, it builds guilt for one year guilt for two years, guilt for five years.

Dr Tara (22:52):

There's almost no coming back. Mm. Uafter many, many, many years of guilt, that's why when I do couples coaching, they always end up crying because they realize that it's not about the sex. It's, they're lonely and they have different expectations and they don't communicate. So it's, I mean, the solution is simple. Uso I do these exercises, right? I want the wife to communicate. What are some of the things you need help with that can make you feel like you have more space to breathe more space, to be your sexual self. What are some of the things that he can do that he can pick up that he can con contribute to the relationship? And I'm not just talking about chores. If you feel like he should be kissing you more, just out of the blue without expecting sex. Say that, say, I feel like every time you kiss me, you want penetrative sex.

Dr Tara (23:51):

Sometimes I get intimacy from just you kissing me. And I get the love from just you kissing me. Can you just kiss me out of the blue without expecting penetrative sex? Say that that's powerful. That solves a lot of problems, right? Like what are some of the things you want? You have to be able to say things like that in order to set different expectations. So for the husbands or for the men that come to me, I say, have you ever said that you feel unwanted, that you feel unattractive when your partner with checks sex from you? Have you said that or do you just say you never wanna have sex with me? They said, well, I mean, not really. Number one, there's a huge stigma for men showing their vulnerability and emotions. Right. They don't wanna say, I feel unwanted. They'd rather just deflect and say, it's your problem. You never wanna have sex with me. Billions of people have said this, you never wanna have sex with me. Right. What, how, how does this solve, solve a problem? This sentence has never in this universe time ever solved a problem. No,

Janelle (25:01):

It just makes me wanna hit back with, well, you never do the dishes, you know? So it just starts a battle. Doesn't it? Yeah,

Dr Tara (25:08):

Totally. It's so unproductive. Yes. It's unproductive. Blaming is unproductive. Using language is powerful. Right? I feel this right. Not necessarily your problem. I'm not saying you're the problem at all, but I'm feeling this. And I'm, I'm asking if you could help me reconcile with this feeling that I'm feeling. Right. So I feel unwanted. I feel very unattractive when you never want to have sex with me, can you help me understand what is going on? Right. And here's another problem. Another problem is the, typically the wife will go, nothing, just do more stuff around the house. Then, you know, then I'll have sex with you. Right. But this comes, this becomes a do something. Then I reward you. Sex becomes a reward to your husband. Who's like a dog waiting for a bone. Yeah. Rather than the women taking responsibility for arousal and desire.

Dr Tara (26:13):

And this, we talked about this. Pre-Show how it's powerful when women take responsibility for their own arousals and desires. And this includes communication, communicating for things that you would like to give you space to feel sexual. Can you do the dishes tonight while I go get ready? Right. or maybe communicate that a lot of these chores stress me out and stress is the corporate of sexual desires. If we could split 50 50, like from now on you know, I'll have time and space for myself to cultivate these sexual feelings for myself and for you. Right. So all of this is communication. Mm. All of this is communicating for what we can expect and what are, what is our goal, for example, right now you have two young children, right? Seems like you communicate really well already, but what are some of the things you voice out to honor your like sexual boundaries

Dr Tara (27:18):

Or like sexual prosperities? Like, what are some of the things that you have voiced out that you have that can help you feel more sexual?

Janelle (27:27):

I feel that just coming back to the communication, then I'll jump on that one. One of the things that stopped me from communicating that was fear of rejection. So after having babies, I didn't wanna say, I feel like you're not attracted to me because I felt that I was so scared that I was gonna get back. Yeah, I'm not. And then I would rather just be like, I'm like 80% sure that you're not, but like, there's a 20% chance that maybe you are. So I was in such fear and I feel that lots of women listening to this in the same kind of avatar as me would be feeling similar. So there was a fear of rejection behind my lack of communication in some things. But I guess now, like for me, it's yeah, just the sneaky. My husband came up beside me at the, at the petrol station and just gave me a hug and squeezed my arm something.

Janelle (28:12):

And I was like, thank you for touching me. And I laughed. So we'll make a joke out of it. Because last night he was too exhausted to touch me, you know? So things like that, it's like, thank you for showing me that you still like me. And so we are very silly in our communication and we joke a lot, which makes communication a lot easier. And so, yeah, so just saying like, I like it when you rub my arm or so for me, it's not even the sexual stuff in the lead up. It's the just gimme attention during the day, you know, just make me feel pretty, you know? Yeah. And my, one of my love languages is words of affirmation and my husband isn't about words. So he tries really hard to say things. And I'll say to him, he'll say it sometimes. And I say, thank you. And he says, I think it all the time, but I don't say it. And I'm like, but if it's in your head, I don't know. You need to tell me. So I ask for it. And for me, it's not even the sexual stuff. It's the, just the connection between the two of us in different ways. If that makes sense.

Dr Tara (29:01):

I consider all of that sexual stuff. Okay, cool.

Janelle (29:04):

Yep.

Dr Tara (29:04):

Everything contribute you to your sexual vitality. Yes. Right? How do you feel good about yourself? How do you feel sexy and appealing? All of that contributes to your sexual vitality? That's like literally every woman that I have talked to wants attention

Janelle (29:22):

Yes. Wants

Dr Tara (29:23):

Proper, proper love and attention from that partner. Yeah. A lot of men were not trained to be good communicators. My partner included. So I trained him yes. To, I teach him how to treat me. I teach him how to communicate with me in ways that makes me and us happy. So same. I he's, he wasn't a words of affirmation person. So I teach him here are some of the things I love hearing from you. When you say this, I say like, oh, when I, when you say things like that, my tickles. Right.

Leesh (30:02):

I love that. My personal experience, like very recently, the last 24 hours was that I've been called out, acknowledging that I speak. Cuz I'm thinking I'm just not a words of affirmation person. But when I do share words, they're kind of like, I am I, you, I respect you. I honor you, but they're not connected to the physical visuals. So it's not like you are handsome. You are sexy. You and I was called out because this is what he'd said to me was you never do that. You never comment on my physical, it's all the other things. And I'm like, I thought I was doing it right. Mm. But then he says, no, like that is so important to him. Like, but, and then what I realized is because it's not the value that I held. And then, then I, I had this conversation last night.

Leesh (30:56):

I'm like, but then, okay. Then if that's, then why didn't you communicate that? And he said, I, I have actually communicated that. And I said, so then I also need to know how often do you need to hear that? Like, is it once a day if I told you you were sexy or that you were beautiful once a day, would that be enough? Or how many times? And I guess that's part of me already, like, was leaning into this type of conversation, which obviously like, as you were just saying, it is all connected to our sexual relationship. Because I, there, there maybe potentially be some level of comfortability in him. If he was hearing more often from me that I physically thought he was beautiful rather than like touching on all the other. I'm proud of you. I admire you. I'm respect you.

Leesh (31:42):

I, these other things that I thought were the only things that were important. And so I shared that, hoping that if there are listeners that you know, that there's not only one way to do things and that even if you are doing things right, feeling like you're doing things right, that there are other things that you can add to what you're doing to expand on that. And I mean, normally I'd be defensive in those type of conversations too. I would feel like it was an attack on what I did do because of what I wasn't doing. And so then they would turn into explosions. So as in the conversation would just go south rather than be productive. And yeah, that, that would be my ego getting up about. Okay. But what about all the things that I do do? What about all the things that I do comment on? And I, so I guess just that share for me would be around be open-minded to recognizing that it's not really when they're asking for that, that it's not about us and that's what they potentially need to feel seen to feel loved, to feel valued sexually. And that it's all connected. Yeah, that came up for me. I'm like, that was a conversation I had yesterday. Mm.

Dr Tara (32:52):

I love that that's beautiful and necessary. And I mean, thank God someone said something, right. Because this could be bottle of for two years and then bam, you never said I was handsome. Right. It, someone has to say something it is extremely crucial that you teach your partner how to treat you.

Leesh (33:16):

Oh. And that goes back to what we spoke about before, around the ideals of love from movies and books and RO romantic things as

Dr Tara (33:23):

Supposed.

Leesh (33:24):

Yeah. How come you don't just know how to treat me isn't that just normal. And that's the other thing too. Like the projection that was coming from him, it's like, cuz he's that way. He just expected me to be that way. And I'm like, well, I dunno what the block is, but there obviously isn't, it's not a value of mine to repeat comments on physical because of maybe something stories that I hold in my head around that. Right. I dunno exactly what it is. Maybe being called beautiful as a child and, and creating some sort of block around that didn't work well for me as a child. So I don't really like to do that. And then potentially, maybe other people won't like to hear that from me either, but that's my story and not his story. And so I, I guess it's getting curious, which is what this podcast is about. We are here to empower curiosity. And if you allow yourself to stay open to curiosity, particularly in these conversations and this communication with your partner. Yeah. That's one of the best advice we can get, stay curious

Dr Tara (34:25):

100%. So yeah. Like the questions can be anything from, you know, what does desire mean to you? What is a se an ideal long term sex life look like for you? What are your expected frequencies? What would make you feel sexually fulfilled? Anything else I can do for you that creates pleasure? What turns you on? What, what are some of the things that you yourself do that turn yourself on? What are some of the things that I can do to turn you on? What type of context I can create to help turn you on? So all of these are important questions that should be asked regardless of really where you are, are in a relationship. And I think one thing about sex that many people are kind of struggling right now, or it's coming up more and more in the modern times is, is fantasies and kink. A lot of people don't, they fear, fear, rejection. They don't wanna bring it up. They don't want the other person to think they're a, we, yeah. Like what if I say, I like feet, like my, you know, the person I'm dating for eight months is gonna leave me cuz they're gonna think I'm a freak. Right? Like how do you reduce that stigma? I always

Janelle (35:35):

Laugh when someone says that, cuz I I'm such a hippie, I never wear shoes. And I think, oh, if my husband likes feet wearing in trouble, guess they always gross.

Dr Tara (35:45):

He likes cleaning your feet with his mouth.

Janelle (35:48):

Yeah. We have to talk about it. Yeah.

Dr Tara (35:52):

Have to talk about it. Literally solves all things. And if you in, like if you make communication a part of your relationship, culture, anything comes you can solve. Yes. Right. Including realizing maybe you're not meant for each other and dis solving the relationship happily. Yeah. Right before I get that, the communication is just necessary. So I wanted to go into three quick tips. Sure. for sexual communication practices for all couples, the first one is praise your partner, more, anything at all? You are so good at stacking dishes, right? Your hair looks amazing today. Like, Ooh, have you been doing a lot of squats? Your butt looks good. My partner's swinging his butt right now.

Dr Tara (36:46):

Right. praise them more, something that's not related to a goal. Right? Not like, thank you for doing this. Like you, you should already do that. You should already appreciate your partner for doing things for you and for the relationship and for the family, but also just praise them as a person. They need to be an individual too, to feel sexy, to feel good. Yes. Right. How like praise them more. Praise your partner more number two. Talk about sex. More, anything about sex at all? Really? maybe a move movie about sex and be maybe porn, maybe you read a story about something, maybe a sexy, a new story about something. Just bring up sex so that sex is not taboo in your relationship. Yes. And of course talk about your sex lie with each other. Have a sexy check in is extremely necessary.

Dr Tara (37:37):

Ask your partner, how you a feeling about our sex life right now. How are you feeling about our sex life for the last three months? And if you're a person like me, I ask, how would you rate our sex life for the last three months? From one to 10. Right. and that it starts a conversation because if your partner says like, you know, to be honest, I feel like it was a seven. Then I ask like what, what need to happen for it to be closer to 10? Yep. Right. Yes. Yeah. And then lastly, lastly is non-verbal communication, which is very much communication as well showing them more love. So like maybe for you, or remember for you was, it was like just touching me outside of this like sexual context. Yes. Right? Yeah. Maybe you, maybe you guys are at this train station, like just cares my arm. Mm. Kiss my neck, like twirl my hair. Just touch me more. Right? Yep. Show more nonverbal affection. Yes. I think that's extremely important and that's kind of my quick tips. Amazing for best sexual communication practices.

Janelle (38:43):

I love that they're so easy to implement and I feel that that's, that's the final, the final words in this, in this little session together, because I feel that that's really given some actionable things to do, you

Leesh (38:55):

Know, and permission,

Janelle (38:56):

Permission to go

Leesh (38:57):

And talk about it gave me permission just then the first one or highly like I, I resonated with how I can do more of that and I can do it better. So more verbal compliments or, yeah, exactly. What was that you said again?

Dr Tara (39:11):

Praise,

Leesh (39:12):

Praise, more praise. Yeah. Mm. I love that. Thank you so much for your time today. This conversation I've literally sat in tears. I've sat like, just so held in, in your conversation. So thank you. I'm really excited for this one to drop. Yeah.

Janelle (39:28):

And I just, just really quickly, I love what you said about agility being so important in a long term relationship because, and that got me really emotional because we have maneuvered around some in my marriage. And that's not something that you go, go ask for, but you know, during those moments I was like, yeah, go ask. You know? So I loved that. I loved that agility was brought into that as well. So that was yeah, such an incredible chat and Le and I were pretty quiet and contemp contemplating for a lot of that, which you know, you've got us good when we just sit here and really go Hmm. And have listen. So thank you so much. We will pop the link down to your website, to your Ted, talk to your podcast as well underneath the episode. And yeah. Thanks for joining us.

Dr Tara (40:14):

Thank you ladies. You have beautiful. So thank you for allowing me this space to share. What I know. Thank

Janelle (40:21):

You so much until next time. Thanks for joining us. Have a great day. You

Dr Tara (40:25):

Thank you. Have an orgasmic day.

Leesh (40:27):

Yes. Thank you.

Speaker 2 (40:29):

Thank you so much for listening in. It would mean the world to us. If you could give us a follow and even share an episode on your social media to help empower a friend of yours, feel free to check out some of our other motivational episodes. And until next time we are giving you permission to live your best life. Bye.