Lost in a Christmas Aisle – A Survivor’s Guide

Feeling a little lost in the holiday hustle? You’re not alone! In this light-hearted episode of Living a Simple Life with a Back Porch View, we head straight into the Christmas aisle — glitter, chaos, and all — with a tongue-in-cheek survival guide to help you laugh your way through the season.

You’ll learn how to dodge the glitter traps, outwit the frenzy, and rediscover the joy tucked between the tinsel and tape. So grab a cup of cocoa, take a deep breath, and join me for a few smiles, a few reminders, and a gentle nudge back toward peace, presence, and porch-light simplicity.

Transcript

Episode 193 - Lost in a Christmas Aisle – A Survivor’s Guide

Welcome back to Living a Simple Life with a Back Porch View. I’m so glad you’re here — though, if you’re anything like most people during this time of year, there’s a good chance you’re currently standing in the middle of a store clutching a shopping list, three rolls of wrapping paper, and an expression that says, “If one more person bumps into my buggy, I might just deck the halls.”

Don’t panic. You’re not alone. You’ve just entered one of the most perilous territories of the season — the Christmas aisle. It’s a twinkling labyrinth filled with sparkling lights, glitter bombs, and fifty-seven varieties of ribbon you never knew you didn’t need.

And that’s why today, I want to offer you something special — not a to-do list, not a sermon, not even a new recipe. No, today, I’m offering you a Survivor’s Guide — a handy, humor-filled map to help you navigate the wilds of holiday shopping with your sanity and your Christmas spirit intact.

So, pour yourself a cup of cocoa, find a comfy chair, and let’s begin.

Rule Number One: Identify the Danger Zones

Every survivalist knows: before you trek into the unknown, you’ve got to know where the quicksand is. In the Christmas aisle, those traps are easy to spot. They sparkle. They call your name. And they whisper things like, “Wouldn’t Aunt Susie just love a twelve-piece reindeer table runner set?”

The first danger zone is The Glitter Section. Stay away from that aisle. One wrong move and you’ll be shining until Easter. Trust me. Glitter doesn’t leave. It multiplies. It’s like the fruitcake of the craft world — nobody knows where it came from, nobody asked for it, and yet it’s everywhere.

Next, avoid The Inflatable Forest. Those towering plastic Santas and snowmen might look harmless, but they’ll inflate faster than your stress level on December 23rd. You’ll spend thirty minutes trying to decide if you really need a twenty-foot snow globe for the yard — and the answer, my friend, is no. No, you do not.

And finally, beware of The Aisle of Temptation — that section filled with color-coordinated décor that makes you question every ornament you’ve owned since 1985. Do not — I repeat, do not — fall for it. You are not starting over. Your mismatched ornaments tell your story. They are a record of love, laughter, and the time your toddler hung all the candy canes on one branch. Those are treasures, not mistakes.

 Rule Number Two: Know Your Mission

A true survivor enters the wilderness with a clear objective. You are not there to browse, wander, or “see what’s new this year.” That path leads to a buggy full of regret and a bank account begging for mercy.

Your mission — and you have no choice, you must accept it — is to go in, get what you need, and get out before the Christmas playlist loops back to “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” That’s your clock. If you hear Mariah Carey twice, you’ve stayed too long.

Make your list at home, check it twice, and leave the house with a full stomach and a sense of purpose. Hungry shoppers are reckless. They buy things like peppermint-scented bath mats and snowflake-shaped cheese boards.

So go in with a plan. If your goal is “one roll of wrapping paper,” then stick to it. Don’t get distracted by the matching gift tags, bows, and tiny sleigh bells. Remember: this is not the North Pole. It’s aisle seven at the discount store.

Rule Number Three: Travel Light

Every good adventurer knows to pack smart. The Christmas aisle is no place for heavy emotional baggage. Leave your guilt, comparison, and “perfect holiday” expectations at the door. They’ll only weigh you down.

If you start thinking, “But so-and-so does matching pajamas for the whole family and coordinates her tree with her dining room centerpiece,” remember: that’s her expedition. Yours might be a simpler trail — hot cocoa, handmade cards, and lights strung a little crooked but hung with love.

Also, consider leaving the family behind for this one. The Christmas aisle is not the place for group decision-making. Take too many opinions into that jungle, and you’ll end up in a heated debate about whether snowmen or reindeer are more “festive.”

Sometimes, surviving the season means embracing solo missions. You can hum your own carols, set your own pace, and avoid at least three unnecessary arguments.

Rule Number Four: Use the Buddy System (Strategically)

Now, while solo trips are great for peace, every explorer knows that sometimes a trusty companion is essential. Choose wisely. You don’t need an enabler — the friend who says, “Oh, buy it! You deserve it!” You need a wingman who will pull you away from the 14-piece nativity village and remind you that you already have three.

This person should be calm under pressure, quick with a sense of humor, and firm when temptation strikes. If they also bring snacks, even better.

A good buddy can turn a chaotic shopping trip into a fun outing. You’ll laugh together, shake your heads at the $80 snowflake wreath, and share stories about your best and worst Christmas purchases. It’s less about conquering the aisles, and more about enjoying the company along the way.

Rule Number Five: Take Shelter When Necessary

Even the best-prepared shopper can get overwhelmed. When the twinkle lights start blurring and the crowd feels like a stampede of elves, it’s time to find cover.

Your shelter might be the candle aisle — inhale some cinnamon peace and regain your composure. Just remember, you’re there to take shelter, not add 20 candles to your basket. Better yet, step outside for a breath of real air that doesn’t smell like artificial pine. Sometimes, you just need to pause and remember that this is supposed to be joyful.

And if all else fails, retreat completely. Abandon the buggy. Leave the glitter behind. Go home, make a cup of tea, and order that one gift online instead. Survival is about knowing when to call it.

Rule Number Six: Remember Why You’re There

Yes, you came for tape and tissue paper, but beneath all that, your real mission is to bring joy — to wrap love in a bow, to make your home sparkle, to share a bit of wonder. Don’t let the frenzy steal that from you.

If you find yourself getting cranky, ask, “Would this still matter if I were sitting on my back porch with a cup of cocoa?” Nine times out of ten, the answer is no. What matters most isn’t the wrapping paper — it’s the hands that will open it.

Simplifying the season doesn’t mean skipping the joy. It means finding it in the right places — in laughter, kindness, gratitude, and that one strand of lights that miraculously does work after all.

Rule Number Seven: Don’t Feed the Frenzy

Every survival guide needs a rule about wildlife — and during the holidays, the most unpredictable creatures are the ones we call “frenzy.” You’ll spot them everywhere — dashing through the aisles, juggling shopping lists, and muttering, “I should’ve started in October.”

They’re not bad folks — just caught up in the stampede. But here’s the thing: frenzy feeds on energy. The more you rush, the more it grows. The moment you join the race, you’ll find yourself competing for the last roll of plaid wrapping paper like it’s the crown jewels.

So, if you feel the frenzy closing in, do what any good survivalist would — stop, smile, and step aside. Let someone else grab that last snow globe. You’ll survive without it, I promise.

In fact, one of the best ways to outsmart the frenzy is with kindness. Hold the door. Offer a compliment. Let someone go ahead of you in line. Simple gestures are like breadcrumbs back to joy — they lead you out of chaos and into calm.

Because in the end, this whole season is built on one quiet miracle — peace on earth, goodwill toward men. And sometimes, that starts right there in the checkout line, with a little grace and a lot of patience.

So, there you have it — your Survivor’s Guide to the Christmas Aisle. Remember your rules: avoid the glitter, travel light, bring a buddy, and for heaven’s sake, don’t let Mariah sing twice.

Because here’s the truth: the holidays don’t have to feel like an expedition. You don’t need a map, a compass, or a shopping cart full of stuff to find your way home to what matters. Sometimes, surviving the season looks a lot like slowing down, sharing a smile, and letting joy — not your to-do list — lead the way.

Now go on. Step out of the aisle, shake off the glitter, and head for home. There’s cocoa waiting, the porch light’s on, and Christmas is right where it’s always been — in the simple, beautiful moments that make you pause, breathe, and give thanks.