Loving People who are Hard to Love

Ever have someone pop into your mind the moment you hear the phrase “hard to love”?

Loving difficult people doesn’t mean pretending they aren’t difficult. It means choosing character, wisdom, and steady boundaries—even when patience is in short supply.

Because sometimes the most heroic thing you can do… is respond with grace instead of reaction.

If you'd like to go deeper into this month’s topic, you can also find the companion workbook in my shop.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Welcome to Living a Simple Life with a Back Porch View. Thanks for stopping by. Grab a glass of lemonade, pull up a rocker, and join me for conversations about living a simple life. Go ahead, get comfortable and settle in for a good visit. It's time to relax and enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

For those of you who are just joining us on the porch, I'm Julie, and this podcast is just one piece of what I do. I'm also a blogger and a writer of both the Nonfiction Simple Life series as well as Southern Suspense Fiction. If you want to learn more about it, just check out the show notes for links to my websites and my books. Now this year we are working on how to be someone's hero through the lens of a simple life. Each month I create a companion workbook that helps you take these porch conversations and live them out in your own home and community. You'll find the link for those workbooks in the show notes as well. Now that we've covered the business end of things, let's dig in. This month we've been talking about the hero who brings peace. And sometimes that means loving the people who are hard to love. There is a particular kind of tired that doesn't come from working too hard or sleeping too little. It comes from dealing with people. And before we go any further, let me say this up front. If someone immediately popped into your mind when you saw the title of this episode, congratulations. You're a human. We all have someone. Sometimes it's a family member, sometimes it's a coworker, sometimes it's a perfectly nice person who somehow kickstarts a little sense of dread in you every single time they open their mouth. And sometimes, if we're being completely honest, that hard-to-love person is ourself. This episode is not about pretending difficult people aren't difficult. That's not loving, that's denial. And it's also not about gritting your teeth and forcing yourself to feel something you don't. Loving people who are hard to love is not about warm feelings. It's about how you choose to show up when warm feelings are in short supply. One of the reasons this topic feels so heavy is because we tend to think love has to look big and noble and self-sacrificing at all times. Like if you're not floating around with endless patience and a saintly smile, you're failing the assignment. But love in real life usually looks much quieter than that. Sometimes love looks like not taking the bait. Sometimes it looks like holding your tongue. Sometimes it looks like responding with decency instead of defensiveness. And sometimes, and this is important, love looks like boundaries. That alone should lighten the room a little. Because loving difficult people does not mean making yourself available for endless nonsense. It does not mean excusing bad behavior. And it definitely does not mean letting someone drain you dry in the name of being nice. If that's what love required, none of us would survive it. I know I wouldn't. Most hard-to-love people aren't villains. They're just complicated. They talk too much, they interrupt, they complain, they criticize, they replay the same story for the 15th time and somehow still haven't reached a conclusion. They might be wounded, insecure, lonely, or stuck. But knowing that doesn't automatically make them easier to deal with. And here's where we usually get tripped up. We think loving them means fixing them. I am thrilled, happy, relieved to report. It doesn't. You are not responsible for correcting someone's personality, managing their emotions, or smoothing every rough edge in their life. Love doesn't require you to become someone's emotional maintenance crew. What love does require is intention. It's the decision to respond with character instead of impulse. Impulse says, I'm done. Character says, I'll be thoughtful even here when it's a struggle for me to do so. Impulse says, let me tell you exactly what I think. Character says, is this necessary or do I just want relief? Loving difficult people often starts with adjusting expectations. This is huge. We suffer most when we expect people to be different than they consistently show us they are. When we expect insight from someone who avoids reflection, when we expect gratitude from someone who rarely offers it, when we expect ease from someone who thrives on friction. Lowering expectations is not unkind. It's realistic. And realism allows for peace. You don't have to expect more than someone is capable of in order to treat them with decency. You just have to stop being surprised when they act exactly like themselves. There's also something freeing about realizing that love doesn't require constant closeness. You can love someone without engaging deeply. You can love someone without sharing everything. You can love someone while keeping conversations short and topics neutral. This is still love. It may not be hallmark love, but it's functional, sustainable love, and that matters. Another thing that lightens this whole topic considerably is remembering that difficult people don't always know they're difficult. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. And sometimes they know on some level, but have no idea how to change it. That doesn't excuse hurtful behavior, but it does soften how tightly we grip our free our frustration. When you stop taking everything personally, things get lighter fast. Not every comment is a jab, not every tone is intentional, not every moment requires correction. You're allowed to let some things pass without meaning anything at all. And let's talk about humor for a minute, because humor is an underrated form of love. Sometimes loving a hard-to-love person means quietly reframing the situation in your own head. Instead of why are they like this? It becomes with a private internal smile, of course. Well, there they go again. That internal shift matters. It keeps resentment from taking root. You don't have to announce it, you don't have to be sarcastic or dismissive. You just stop letting their behavior hijack your inner world. Another key piece of loving difficult people is knowing when not to engage. This is wisdom, not avoidance. Every conversation does not need resolution, every comment does not require a response. Every tension does not need to be addressed immediately or at all. Sometimes love is the decision to disengage peacefully. And if that makes you uncomfortable, that's understandable. Many of us were taught that love meant endless availability, but availability without discernment leads straight to burnout. Love with wisdom lasts longer. One of the most practical ways to love people who are hard to love is to decide ahead of time how you're going to act, regardless of how they act. This takes the emotional whiplash out of the relationship. You start reacting and start responding. You already know how you're going to speak. You already know what you won't tolerate. You already know when you'll step back. That steadiness is a gift to both of you. And here's something that doesn't get said often enough. You don't have to like someone in order to love them. Liking is preference. Love is practice. You can treat someone with dignity even if they're not your cup of tea. You can wish them well without wanting to vacation together. That's maturity, not coldness. Let's also acknowledge that loving difficult people is harder when we're tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or stretched thin. Under those conditions, even the most patient person becomes significantly less heroic. Part of loving others well is taking care of yourself enough not to run on fumes. You are much more charitable when you're rested. You are far more gracious when you're not rushed. This isn't selfish. It's strategic. And finally, let's talk about what love does not require. Perfection. You will get annoyed. You will roll your eyes internally. You will occasionally need to walk away before you say something you can't retrieve. That doesn't mean you've failed. Loving people who are hard to love is a long game. It's built on consistency, not constant success. Some days love looks like patience. Some days it looks like restraint. Some days it looks like distance. And all of those can coexist. As we think about what it means to be a hero who brings peace, it helps to remember this. Peace doesn't always come from changing the other person. Very often, peace comes from changing how much control we think we need, from choosing steadiness over reactivity, from choosing restraint over release, from choosing to show up with integrity instead of irritation. That kind of love may not feel dramatic, but it changes the atmosphere in quiet, lasting ways. And in a world where everyone is quick to react, quick to cut ties, and quick to escalate loving difficult people with wisdom and clarity. That's heroic.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Thank you for joining me today. If you enjoyed your visit, be sure to subscribe. You don't want to miss out. If you're enjoying these conversations, please consider supporting the show by clicking the support button in the show notes.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

And don't forget, be sure to check out the other links where you can find my books, websites, and this month's eWorkbook. Thanks again for stopping in. I'll see you next Monday on Living a Simple Life with the Back Porch View. And while you're waiting for the next episode, grab that glass of refreshment, pull up a rocker, and sit back for a while. It's time to relax and enjoy.