Ep. 43 Julie Lythcott Haims

On this episode I am joined by Julie Lythcott-Haims. She is the New York Times bestselling author of How to Raise an Adult which gave rise to a popular TED Talk. Her second book is the critically-acclaimed and award-winning prose poetry memoir Real American, which illustrates her experience as a Black and biracial person in white spaces. Her third book, Your Turn: How to Be an Adult, has been called a “groundbreakingly frank” guide to adulthood. TED has turned her book into a TED Course that is available now.

Julie holds degrees from Stanford, Harvard Law, and California College of the Arts. She currently serves on the boards of Black Women’s Health Imperative, Narrative Magazine, and on the Board of Trustees at California College of the Arts. She serves on the advisory boards of LeanIn.Org, Sir Ken Robinson Foundation and Baldwin For the Arts. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her partner of over thirty years, their itinerant young adults, and her mother.

On this episode we discuss adulting and why it is so challenging for some of us. We discuss helicopter parenting and how it has led young people to not feel as capable as they head into their adult years. We discuss her TED course and newest book, as well as her hotline that gives space to people to anonymously reach out to ask her questions about anything.

Julie Lythcott-Haims (julielythcotthaims.com)
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Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED

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Filled Up Cup - Unconventional Self Care for Modern Women

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the filled up cup podcast. We are a different kind of self-care resource one that has nothing to do with bubble baths and face masks and everything to do with rediscovering yourself. We bring you real reviews, honest experiences and unfiltered opinions that will make you laugh, cry, and most importantly, leave you with a filled up cup.

Ashley: 0:32

I am so excited today. I have Julie Lythcott Haims joining me. Julie is an educator public speaker activist, and New York times bestselling author. Her newest book is your turn. How to be an adult, Julie, thank you so much for joining me.

Julie: 0:48

I'm so delighted to be with you and your listeners. Ashley,

Ashley: 0:52

can you tell us a little bit about your book?

Julie: 0:55

Absolutely. I'm a 54 year old gen Xer who was once a college Dean in the era when millennials began to say, I don't wanna adult, I don't know how to adult adulting is scary. And unlike many people in the media, in society, my instinct wasn't to say what's wrong with those kids, but rather. What's changed about. Society about the way they were raised such that our newest generation of young adults, which they were at the time now it's gen Zs. Our newest generation feels trepidation at entering a stage of life that should feel amazing because of the independence and freedom and the ability. To really chart your own path. So this book is a response to something we've been hearing really for more than 10 years. And it's a compassionate beckoning into this space of yep. I get it. Your fear is valid. The things you don't know, I know you wanna learn and you can, and I'm rooting for you, I believe in you. Let me try to help you appreciate what's on the other side of that fear, which is that delicious feeling of knowing, Hey, this is my life. I get to figure out what I want it to be about.

Ashley: 2:08

I really appreciate that perspective because I think when we do hear somebody say, oh, I don't want to. Or when we think about the next generation, it's usually. From a negative perspective that they're brats or that they're lazy or all these different things that it's really, I think so important and more of us need to go, no wait, why do they feel that? Why is that perspective coming up for them? Instead of just assuming all of the negative things

Julie: 2:34

a hundred percent

Ashley: 2:35

Do you think that being an adult now compared to being adult 20, 30 years ago, do you think that that's actually changed?

Julie: 2:44

Well, there's some things that have changed and some that haven't my definition of adulting or adulthood is simply that it's the opposite of childhood. By which I mean, in childhood you're more or less the responsibility of someone else that is, if your parents reasonably had their act together, they looked after you. I realized not everybody had that, but in the main adulthood is the opposite. You're more or less responsible for yourself, which doesn't mean you have to go it alone, but it does mean you wake up every day, knowing it's on me to take care of my body, my bills, my business, my belongings, all of that. You can get help. Yes. You have people in your life. Yes. But we as adults know, I'm accountable to kind of get my own self moving forward in this day, this week, this life, what has changed is that we've got some socioeconomic factors in place in a lot of cities. I'm speaking with you from the heart of Silicon valley, which is a very unaffordable place to live. Many communities are like mine. Meaning my own two kids who are 20 and 22 right now could not afford a one bedroom apartment in the region in which they grew up because salaries and wages have not kept up with the cost of living in some places. So we have people who are sort of grandparent age right now, looking at their 20 something grandchildren saying, what's wrong with you? When I was in my twenties, I had a house. Well, grandpa. Things have changed and that's not the fault of any millennial or gen Z, or it is the fault of us in the older generations who failed to put limits and policies in place that might have curbed this out of control, cost of living in certain areas. So that's an example of how you might not be able to move outta your parents' house, even with a college degree, why cuz where you live is unaffordable for a young person. However, being an adult isn't about where you live or with whom it's about how do you behave if you're living with your folks at 25, are you behaving like a 25 year old? Are you taking care of business? Are you pitching in and helping out an equal adult in the space? Or are you kind of reverting to your 15 year old self kind of expecting to be looked after as you were in childhood? So you can see that adulting is really more than anything. A mindset.

Ashley: 5:04

I definitely agree with that. Even the social economic portion of it, like I'm in Vancouver. Just renting it's I think$2,300 for a one bedroom. Yeah. A mortgage. You can't even find a property for less than a million dollars. I know my mom bought her first house for 75,000 where now you can barely find a car for that amount. The price of inflation and everything like that really does make a huge difference just in the living piece. But yes, if you were living with your parents or your grandparents, you definitely should be doing your own dishes, doing your own laundry. Almost like a roommate.

Julie: 5:38

Yeah, exactly. Almost like you've got a room in an Airbnb and Vancouver by the way is so similar. I think in terms of these macroeconomic issues, similar to Silicon valley. So I think we're on the same page. I think it's not just doing your own dishes and your own laundry. Definitely do that. It's also. Being able to ask, Hey, how can I help here? Right. Maybe, you know, should I be the one to go get groceries this week? Can I do an errand for you? Right. Adults in a cooperative living environment. Don't just. Live in parallel to one another. We cooperate, we help each other out and that's really to level up as an adult, how can I conduct myself in a way where I get my own needs met, but I'm also super clear that the others around me might have a need that maybe I can fill. And then we get into this beautiful reciprocity, you know, I helped you out. You helped me out. And that's when life starts to feel really good.

Ashley: 6:32

Do you think that the rise in helicopter parenting or more of those over parenting methods have played a part in people not wanting to adult or go into that next phase of life?

Julie: 6:44

A hundred percent Ashley, I wrote your turn, how to be an adult my newest book, really in response to the fact that helicopter parents have in the main undermined. The agency in their kids. And that was a subject actually of my first book, which came out seven years ago, which was called how to raise an adult squarely for parents, trying to help them appreciate the harms of doing too much and of micromanaging their kids' lives. As we've seen helicopter parenting rise, the parents who are so anxious and worried and overprotective, so they never let their kids do anything themselves or the Tigerish type. That's very insistent on what their kids will study and become and do for a living. Or the concierge best friend type that's like, let me just make your life easier. Let me track your deadlines. Let me bring you anything. If you forgot it. Let me argue with the teacher. These are three different ways of parenting, but they all come under the helicopter umbrella because what that parent is doing is acting like the kids life is actually my life. I'm gonna plan it. I'm gonna help out at all times. I'm going to watch. For everything that is happening and it feels lovingly intended and it is lovingly intended, but you get a short term gain when you plan everything and handle everything for your kid. They get a better grade cuz you did their homework or, they didn't fall because you were right there to catch them. But long term pain, the kid in their mind, in their body, in their psyche, they haven't had the life experiences that would have given them that sense of agency. I can, I am capable and it's partner resilience. I can cope when shit happens. We only develop resilience by having to deal with some shit and discovering we're still here. And we can lick our wounds and examine what happened and think, my gosh, what would I do differently next time? Or how can I avoid that next time? Or just next time I will be stronger because of what I just went through. So helicopter parents have definitely undermined agency and resilience, and we shouldn't be surprised therefore, that we have a large number of young adults who are like, instead of I can, they're like, I'm not sure I can, instead of feeling resilient, like I can cope. They're like, I can't cope. I'm not saying helicopter parenting is one on one correlated with the struggles. We see so many young adults having, it's not the only thing but it is a big factor. And this is the beautiful irony. Ashley kids who were raised. Let's say by working class parents who didn't have the time to attend to their every moment and rescue them when they forgot things. And so on argue with the teachers they're just busy, you know, holding down enough jobs to pay the rent in the working class. Those kids often emerge into adulthood stronger, more, self-reliant more confident that they can figure out a solution, more confident that they can take care of business because childhood was a little harder. They actually have an extra set of tools in their toolkit in adulthood. I'm not trying to romanticize poverty or struggle, but I'm simply here to say, That which doesn't kill you does make you stronger. A lot of young adults who are struggling in their young adulthood are privileged. They've been handed too much. They've been given too much. So they just don't know how to do for themselves. I wrote your turn in response to that, but it's a book that really does speak very broadly to all young adults, regardless of how they were raised.

Ashley: 10:15

That's such a good point too, cuz we really do need to make mistakes or screw up or have that confidence building skills of, I can even simply go to a restaurant and order my own food because I think even sometimes like that, it's gotten to the point where having to make it a telephone conversation in some cases is so anxiety ridden to some youth that I think the more we move out of their way to let them be able to do it while they're young is so beneficial because once you're 20 and trying to learn all these skills, then it's more guilt and shame and you feel more dumb or whatever the case may be. I just feel like it must be so much harder at 20 trying to learn skills that essentially probably should have been incorporated at 10, 11, 12.

Julie: 11:00

My gosh, Ashley, you're sort of officially hitting the nail on the head with my book. I really appreciate your perspective. I think you're a good deal younger than me. I don't know if that's something you share, but if you're willing, I'd love to know.

Ashley: 11:12

I'm 37. So I was born in 1985.

Julie: 11:14

Okay. Got you. You know, Ashley, I got a call, actually. I have this hotline I blog weekly at a place called Julie's pod, but I know not everyone can comment on social media publicly. So I have a hotline people can call if they wanna share their thoughts or ask me a question. It's 1 8, 7, 7. Hi, Julie. I'm just trying to hold space for people who need to open up. And one of my callers recently was a 23 year old. Who basically was asking do I still need to be asking my parents permission for things or are there some things I don't need permission for given that I'm 23 and my jaw just dropped, you know, she said a whole lot more than we have the time to relay now, but. 23. I was like, yep. You have the entire right to be totally in charge of your own life. Nobody has the right to demand that they give you their permission. Before you go hang out with your friends or have a boyfriend, or what have you. This was a young person who was raised by, as she said, very strict parents, particularly a mother who. She always had to make the case. Can I do this? Can I do that? And you could just hear her bewilderment dismay. I know that one day that's gonna turn to anger right now. She's still sorting out, you know, do I have the right to say, actually, mom, no, thank you. Or I love you and I'm going to do this. So I was really rooting for her and giving her all kinds of advice and furtherance of. You can respect and love your parents and still draw these boundaries. You know, I am an adult. Now. There is no question about that. The challenges this 23 year old is still living with her parents because she's in school to become a teacher. I let her know that when the time comes and she's got that first job, she needs to look for a place. Where she can afford the rent so she can move out, right. Get a job where you can live in a place and be in charge of your rent and your other bills so that you have the financial autonomy so that your parents can't use that to really hold it over you.

Ashley: 13:11

I have a 15 year old and parenting is such a short term. Thing where you really do feel like obviously the days are long and the years are short, but I'm in the window now where it's like, I don't necessarily want my 46 year old daughter living with me. I wanna be able to switch from having to, you know, know exactly what she's doing at all times know that, you know, she's not gonna stick a toy up her nose or whatever the case may be. And that little kid phase where I have to be on top of her to now kind of back off and, and see what. Parenting choices. I mean, that are, are gonna pay off. Is she gonna be responsible with her homework? Is she gonna take the initiative to get her first job? As a parent, it's amazing to be able to actually see your kids grow into that functional person and to sort of see what that next. Phase looks like that. I just couldn't imagine if she was 25 and me calling her employer to be like, oh, sorry, my daughter can't go to the staff meeting. I really need her home for dinner

Julie: 14:11

right. Yeah. Ashley, I love that you're laying out this Plan that, you know, you have to have in place and furtherance of your daughter's growth and independence and wellness. Let's not mince words when we undermine their agency and their resilience in the ways I've described that lack of agency and resilience is correlated with anxiety and depression. So. We've gotta know, it's not just about, I need to teach them so that they know how to cut food and stack a dishwasher and do laundry and pay their bills. They need those skills. Yes. And having those skills gives them this healthy sense of self and it will be likely that they won't have. To deal with anxiety and depression. So this is important for all kinds of reasons. Let me suggest three things that I want parents listening to know that they can do should do, must do in this sort of long term plan to have confidence that you're gonna be able to launch this young adult out into the world where both of you have tremendous confidence that they can thrive. These are the things we have to be thinking of. Number one. The surveillance, you know, through the apps, the webcams, however appropriate that feels to you now at whatever age and stage your kid is, remember that you were not surveilled as a 20 year old technology wasn't available and you survived and your parents did just fine. Let's not subject our young adults to surveillance. This is damaging them psychologically. I am certain, I'm not a psychologist, but I am certain that a set of behaviors of surveilling people constantly in life, which was previously only something that incarcerated people and people in psychiatric facilities were subjected to 24 7 surveillance doing this normally as a normal part of childhood. Is harming our kids. And so you have to have a plan for, how am I gonna pull back? How am I gonna need to know less frequently where they are, what they're up to. Right. Cause we need to know they can make good choices when we're not watching. And constantly surveilling them is sending the opposite message. The second thing is we're supposed to teach them skills. Everything we know we're supposed to teach them, not do it all for them forever, but rather do it until they're able to learn, teach it to them, then watch them do it where we're still there for the, just in case moment. So they don't set the house on fire. The first time they're using the stove and maybe even the third time they're using the stove, but maybe the fourth time they can now use the stove and you don't have to be there. And if they get an ouch, Hey, that's a life lesson. Okay, that teaches them. How stand a little bit farther away next time, or grab the pot holder first.

Ashley: 16:45

Exactly.

Julie: 16:45

Four step method for teaching any kid, any skill first, you do it for them. Then you do it with them. Then you turn around and watch them do it. And finally they can do it independently. The final piece of advice is when they have a routine run of the mill problem, situation, snafu and childhood, instead of swooping in and solving. What we're supposed to do is empathize and empower empathy is, oh, no. Are you okay? That sounds frustrating. Oh, I'm so sorry. That happened. Pause and empower. How do you think you're gonna handle it, honey? You say it gently. You say it with a smile on your voice, a smile on your face. And that tells our kids, Hey kid, I believe you can do it instead of the swooping and solve, which is saying you can't handle it. Don't worry. I got you. Which becomes terrifying for a young person.

Ashley: 17:37

All of those are really important and almost like triggering in the sense that we're so programmed or it's so encouraged, you know, those apps download this so that everybody can know where everybody is it's really remembering to go back to the fundamentals almost to think about how our parents did it and really. Go back to that. It wasn't broke. So why did we try to over correct and fix so much?

Julie: 18:01

I agree. I love your use of the word overcorrect, because for example, the fear of strangers, which was really born when you were young We had an overblown response to that fear. The data show that the chance of a child being abducted by a stranger. So small, they're much more likely to be harmed by a relative. And yet they're with their relatives very frequently. They're also in cars all the time, and they're more likely to die as a passenger in a car than at the hands of a stranger. And yet we've constructed a whole childhood around stranger danger being this thing. So kids aren't often in a park playing without adults right there, or on a sidewalk, walking home from a store or at the store by themselves. We see, this lovely TV show recently that's been highlighting how in Japan, little kids go on their first errand as a right of the passage and Americans are horrified. I think Japan has it. 100%, right. Kids are so much more capable. They can be more capable than we give them credit for. Instead, our way of parenting is really undermining the development of skills and confidence. All of these things would serve our kids so well, but instead we're sort of in this hypervigilant safety perspective, that's just it's overblow.

Ashley: 19:19

What if you are the youth in this situation where you have come from helicopter parents, you really don't have confidence in any of your skills. You have anxiety and depression. How did they learn to adult successfully?

Julie: 19:32

That's why I wrote your turn and in addition to this book, I've got a course that's about to come out, put on by the Ted people. The people that do Ted talks are now doing Ted courses and I've developed. A four week course, that's 49 bucks that teaches this. And short of any of that. Anybody listening, who resonates with what you just said? What if you are the youth? Here's what I wanna say. Noticing that is step one. You're calling it to your consciousness. That is step one, say it aloud to someone you trust a good friend, a family member who isn't part of the problem, a mentor. That's step two and then you're kind of, you've got 51% of the problem handled. In other words, just acknowledging it goes a long way. And then it's about, well, what do I do? It may need be that you need therapy in order to understand how to draw boundaries with your parents. It may be that you need family therapy. That's what I've been involved in. Look, I'm an expert here talking to you. I've told you I got two kids. They're 22 and 20. I over parented mine, even though I studied this stuff and I knew that it was problematic. I didn't realize that what I was doing was part of the problem. So I'm here as an expert, as a mom with humility now, and curiosity in family therapy saying. Oh, gosh, what do we need to do to repattern our family dynamic in support of this kid, thriving instead of kind of being in the way of his growth. So family therapy may be an option. If that's something you can afford individual therapy, as I've mentioned, and at some point it's, regardless of whether you have therapy, it's being able to sit down with your parents and say, Hey, I know you love me. If you can say that a lot of people use that language. Some people don't. I know you've tried to instill good values in me. I respect you, whatever form of praise you can offer your parents. You start with that. And then you say it's time that I learn to do more for myself. I'd really like to learn a set of things. And maybe there are three things you can teach me now. And then in a few weeks you can teach me another three things, but we've gotta transition from you're handling everything to me being capable. I want that. I need that. And I'm asking you for it. I.

Ashley: 21:42

I really do think more often than not that helicopter parents really don't necessarily even acknowledge or realize the things that they're doing in the moment, because it can seem like. Such normal behavior and you get in the patterns and you get in the habits. So it's kind of just going, oh, okay. How can we adjust it? And knowing that it's not an overnight change and it's okay if you are the parent that messed up and you can kind of just recalibrate now and move on from it. That for the most part, no situation is permanent.

Julie: 22:18

Absolutely. And look parent to parent, mom, to mom. I know I adore my kids. I know you adore yours. I know everyone listening. Who's a parent loves their kid. None of us is trying to harm our kids. We love these little ones and big ones. There are offspring. We are biologically wired to love them. And we do. It's just that we've gotten misguided about what love looks like, frankly, and I'm encouraging parents to appreciate that. The most loving thing you can do. Is let them walk this life path on their own. You're there, you're off to the side, you're watching for the, just in case moments, but you're not so worried that they're gonna stumble every single time they take a step forward that you're there preventing the stumble. The stumbles are how we learn the failures and setbacks. You know, these are life's greatest teacher. Don't deprive your kid of the very experiences. That'll teach them the lesson that makes them more capable next time, parent, not for the win today, but for the strength and confidence tomorrow.

Ashley: 23:24

Yeah. I really, really, really resonate with that. I think that's a really beautiful point. Now for parents that are kind of struggling or youth that are kind of struggling of not knowing when they should ask for help. When do you think that it is okay for parents to step in and intervene and help their young adults?

Julie: 23:43

Well, I think first of all, the greatest currency we have with our kids as parents. Is trust. If we have a trusting relationship where they know they can talk to us, we know we can talk to them trust plus communication. That's the sweet spot in parenting. So we don't wanna ever do anything that undermines trust. We wanna always try to be the people they can come to no matter what. So we have to demonstrate we're worthy of that. We have to be willing to listen to our kids' feelings when a kid is struggling. When they're sad, when they're mad, when they're in pain, we shouldn't say, oh, get over it. We shouldn't say that doesn't matter. We shouldn't say it's not as bad as you think it is. We should instead. Empathize. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Sit down. You know, I'm here. There's nothing you've done or there's nothing that's happened to you or there's no feeling you have. That's gonna chase me away. I love you so much. I'm just gonna sit with you here. Do you wanna talk, right? Don't impose your own thoughts. Active listen, create and hold space for your kid to open up. And then after the initial sort of handling or the initial response to whatever the feeling is, is behind us, then what a parent can very lovingly say. You know, I have some thoughts. Do you want thoughts or would you rather just stay here in this space of venting? Both are valid. Let me know. You can hear in my voice that I'm not coming in with. I have to fix it. I have to handle it. This is terrible, but rather to be this loving person, the kid can always count on is not gonna have an explosive emotional reaction to what they're going through. This is actually pulling back a little. What's beautiful is it brings the kid forward. It allows the kid to kind of come into that space and feel safe instead of having to deal with our emotions. Be it sadness or anger, or what have you. So that's how we can show up in the lives of our kids offering advice and guidance if they want it, but simply listening and letting them vent if that's what they want. The more we practice that and believe me, I am hard at work on that with my 20 year old daughter, cuz I am a fixer. I love to fix it and handle it. She's like, mom, stop, stop. And I constantly have to try to settle myself in a way that, so that I don't don't do that. Over time we prove That we are capable of listening and aren't fixers and that's when then they're more likely to say, Hey, can I get some advice from you? Cuz we haven't burdened them with giving them advice when they didn't want it.

Ashley: 26:16

Well, and that is so challenging at times, cuz I'm the same thing of I've walked through this path. If I was in this situation, this is what I would do instead of just holding space for her experience that it can be so challenging to not be the fixer in there. I think in some ways it's almost with technology and our hustle culture where it's like we really do, or I really do struggle sometimes to stay present in that moment where I'm not being pulled aside to 10 different things or just being, so I think that that is another part that maybe. We do need to remember with the hustle culture to really, if your kids are coming to you to disconnect everything and to really just be present and not worry about the 50 other things that are potentially running through your day.

Julie: 27:05

That's exactly right. So this is. How our own ability to self regulate our own ability to be in charge of what's happening within our nervous system to develop a mindfulness practice, to be able to engage our own thoughts around what our feelings are, to understand what's coming up for us to validate it, to sit with it. Process it and let it go, allows us then to show up as these pillars of strength for our kids. But what can happen is when we think our kid's life is ours, like our kid is my little project. I have to prove how great a parent I am and my kid's grades or the evidence of that. Whether my kid gets on the right soccer team is evidence of that. Like my kid is me. My kid is my worth. Our emotional life is so tied up in their, every accomplishment or their every stumble or failure, which is not healthy and means we can't be regulated at all in response to what happens with our kids, cuz it's like our life is resting upon what they do. Boy, is that a tremendous amount of pressure to put on a kid and it's not healthy for us either. So our own wellness, getting a handle on our own wellness. One of the greatest things we can do to support our children.

Ashley: 28:21

You really do need to have your own hobbies, have your kid get their own hobbies that they're choosing and really create your own life. As hard as it is to not let parenthood absorb who you are as a being, you really do need to make sure that your title is mom or dad, or whichever you go by. Doesn't define a hundred percent of yourself.

Julie: 28:41

Exactly we have children. They are ours to look after given to us by God or the universe, or however you believe children get here. I think it's a huge task to try to look after young until they can look after themselves. We're supposed to provide them with shelter and food and love and whatever opportunities by way of education and enrichment we can afford. And we're supposed to then get out of their way so that they can become this glorious being that they are unfettered by our needs, our neurosis, our expectations.

Ashley: 29:16

Then God willing or whichever you believe in, then you get grandchildren. And it's like, my parents said that that was the best, if they could have done it the other way, because then it's like, you get to see how your parenting paid off via their parenting. Then you get all the fun of having that little person again, without the responsibility of having to be the one to make all of the decisions.

Julie: 29:35

I. 100% hear that. I have a very practical application of that for our actual kids. About whom we're saying, could we have grandchildren because it'd be easier. We'd get all the benefits without any of the cost or the pain. I want people to imagine their nieces and nephews or their best friend's kid. This is a kid you likely know. Maybe you're really close to them may be quite close. Let's say you go over to their house one Friday for dinner and you're there in the late afternoon. And that kid, the child of your best friend or your sister or brother comes home from school and they bang the kitchen door shut. They throw their backpack to the ground and they say, well, I guess I'm failing science. And they stomp off as auntie or the uncle or the parent's best friend. You don't go. What do you mean? We failed science. We worked so hard on that. Do I need to call your teacher? We just say, oh no, buddy. Oh, that doesn't feel very good. I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Come sit down. So good to see you. Did you want a glass of water? Tell me what happened today. That was good. We're able to show up with that kind of empathy and compassion when it's not our actual kid. When it's our kid, we are so stressed out that we are failing science. We've totally lost the ability to support our kid in that moment. We're not thinking clearly, therefore we're not gonna help them think clearly, but that little detachment that comes with simply being auntie or uncle or family friend means we can show up more lovingly and more empoweringly for that kid.

Ashley: 31:12

You can really feel the energy shift when you really picture both of those scenarios. It does just seem like the second one really would be that most obvious choice that like, Hey buddy, what's going on? How can we change your attitude for the day? Do you wanna get a snack? Do you wanna decompress? Instead of going into that, go, go, go problem solving mode.

Julie: 31:35

Or worse. What happened? How could this happen? We've studied. We right. The, the Royal we that's what helicopter parents use. Right. It's our test. It's our science class. It's our soccer team. So therefore we are failing. We need to call the teacher, like we need to talk to the teacher. So there's a trick there as well, which is when you find yourself saying we, when you really mean my kid, try to switch up those pronouns. Say my son, my daughter, my child, my kid. Stay in your own lane, this is their science class. It's their recital. It's not yours. Right? Stay in your lane.

Ashley: 32:11

Especially if you were thinking about like your own career, you wouldn't say, oh, we had to have that financial report done, or we had to file our taxes that it's like, you wouldn't drag your kid into that. We, so I do think that's a really good point. Don't drag yourself into their,

Julie: 32:26

I love it.

Ashley: 32:29

Now you had mentioned that you're doing a Ted course. Are there any other courses or workshops that you have coming up that you would like us to know about?

Julie: 32:37

That's so kind of you actually, the Ted course is everything I've been working on it for six months. They invited me to do a course based on this book. I leap at the chance because a book is a long piece of content And a different way of learning than a set of videos, which this course is. So it's a four week course, and it just keeps repeating every four weeks. It's asynchronous. So you watch a set of videos and then there are reflection, exercises, and resources you can click through and find there is one live component that you can choose to join. If you wanna be in community with others who are trying to. Figure out how to thrive in their adulthood. I'm just super excited about that. That's the only course I'm teaching right now.

Ashley: 33:16

When that goes live, will that be linked back onto your website or is there a specific website or the Ted site, I guess that people would find that

Julie: 33:23

yeah. I think Ted, this is a new endeavor for Ted and they're launching six courses at once. Mine is just one of them and I know it'll be on the ted.com site and it'll also be very prominently featured, probably has a banner on my website, which is julielythcotthaims.com.

Ashley: 33:40

I love that Ted is branching out to courses because I think we do have such a hunger for education and the majority of us will look to the internet or to our phones to solve those problems. So I do love the fact that people can take this course and go through the program with you.

Julie: 33:57

Me too. I'm super excited about this different medium to deliver this message.

Ashley: 34:02

Going back to your hotline. Is it that people can ask any question? Is it that they cover certain topics or if somebody was wanting to call your hotline, what would that look like?

Julie: 34:15

It's anything Ashley it's a mechanism to create space for people who have things to say or questions to ask, but don't feel comfortable on social. I have a pretty active presence on Instagram and Facebook and Twitter. and I'm comfortable putting my name out there attached to my thoughts, but I realize not everyone is. So this is a kind of an old school way. In fact, if we run video, you'd see it's an old streamlined phone that you would plug in. My landline from when I was in college, back in the 1980s, bright red. And so it goes to a voicemail, so they don't have to worry about having to talk to a person. It just goes straight to voicemail. I listen. And then most Mondays live on Facebook at noon Pacific. I do what I call let's talk, which is I do a brief update on behind the scenes, on my life and the reactions to last week's blog post, and Julie's pod featuring the calls that have come into the hotline, maybe recommend a book or a movie, and then they can ask me anything in the comments. So I do that as a way to make sure those folks who have bravely picked up the phone and left a message for a stranger about whatever's on their mind that they feel. Hey, I'm heard too. I also matter,

Ashley: 35:29

I love that you're creating that safe space for people, cuz I think nowadays with cancel culture or people just being less vulnerable publicly, that it would be really hard sometimes to admit that they don't know something or that they do need help. With something. So I love the fact that there's sort of this safe, anonymous space where they can just reach out, get that assistance, get that comfort, potentially get that validation and just know that they're important and have a response that feels genuine instead of forced as it can be with some of our friends and family.

Julie: 36:01

Yep. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I believe in all of us, I'm rooting for all of us and I just feel tremendous compassion. For all of us, I'm an empath and many of us are. I don't have a Messiah complex. Like I wanna save everybody, but I do care about everybody. I'm just so clear that so many of us particularly now are lonely. We're languishing because of the pandemic. We haven't had the juice we get from social interactions. We have an epidemic of loneliness in many countries as named by our leaders. I'm just trying to do my part to say, you matter to me what you're going through matters. I'm here I care. I will listen. Can't solve it. Most likely I cannot solve it, but I know that just being noticed. Helps. So many of us deal with whatever it is, even if just for a few hours will feel better knowing that somebody gave a damn

Ashley: 36:57

That piece really is missing so much. So I really do think that your hotline will make a significant difference in a lot of people's lives. So I really appreciate that you are helping people in that capacity.

Julie: 37:10

I appreciate that I think of in a different life, maybe I would've had a radio calling show where you could just say what was on your mind and I'd hold space and listen. And people would listen in and know that, Hey, other people are struggling too. I'm not the only one. I think that's an important piece of this when we can dare to be vulnerable dare to share. Then those third parties who are watching listening, we may never know who they are, but because we dared to open up and there was a platform for that someone else's life. Is a little less lonely, a little bit more easy.

Ashley: 37:41

I love that, Julie. Thank you so much for joining me for this conversation today.

Julie: 37:45

Oh, Ashley, it's been such a pleasure. And may I just say to anyone listening? We appreciate you. I know Ashley does. I certainly do too. If you felt anything in your body as Ashley and I spoke, you know, a feeling a, sort of a, you knee jiggle, or you got sweaty palms, or you, felt a little anxious or you were like, yes, yes, yes. Like those are all clues from you to you. That what we said is important to you in some way, shape or form. I encourage you to take that forward. Be curious. What was that about? What does it mean? What do you wanna do about.

Ashley: 38:15

We will have all of the ways to connect with Julie in the show note. So please take advantage of them and reach out if like she said, if there was anything that triggered you or that you felt connected to.

38:30

Thank you so much for joining us today for this episode of the filled up cup podcast, don't forget to hit subscribe and leave a review. If you like what you hear, you can also connect with us@filledupcup.com. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.