On this episode, I am joined by Carrie Valentin. We discuss her experience with finding out that her young daughter had a form of cancer, called Wilms, that spread from her kidney to her lungs. Thankfully, Sybil is currently in remission. We discuss the trauma that cancer caused in both her life and the ripple effect it had on her family. We discuss her decision to divorce her husband and how they made a conscious effort for it to end up being a positive for their family. We also talk about Carrie's drinking and how she wouldn't label it alcoholism but that it did become a coping mechanism for her during the hard times. She is currently working on sobriety and working through both the trauma of thinking that she was going to lose her daughter as well as trauma carried forward from childhood.
Carrie Anne Valentin (@carrie_be.wellness) • Instagram photos and videos
Donate: Small acts solve big challenges (bcchildrens.ca)
We also mention Christiana Cioffi in this episode. To check out more about her dating application or to order her book:
Book | An Unapologetic Spinster
Ashley (@filledupcup_) • Instagram photos and videos
Filled Up Cup - Unconventional Self Care for Modern Women
On this episode, I am joined by Carrie Valentin. We discuss her experience with finding out that her young daughter had a form of cancer, called Wilms, that spread from her kidney to her lungs. Thankfully, Sybil is currently in remission. We discuss the trauma that cancer caused in both her life and the ripple effect it had on her family. We discuss her decision to divorce her husband and how they made a conscious effort for it to end up being a positive for their family. We also talk about Carrie's drinking and how she wouldn't label it alcoholism but that it did become a coping mechanism for her during the hard times. She is currently working on sobriety and working through both the trauma of thinking that she was going to lose her daughter as well as trauma carried forward from childhood.
Carrie Anne Valentin (@carrie_be.wellness) • Instagram photos and videos
Donate: Small acts solve big challenges (bcchildrens.ca)
We also mention Christiana Cioffi in this episode. To check out more about her dating application or to order her book:
Book | An Unapologetic Spinster
Ashley (@filledupcup_) • Instagram photos and videos
Filled Up Cup - Unconventional Self Care for Modern Women
Welcome to the filled up cup podcast. We are a different kind of self care resource, one that has nothing to do with bubble baths and face masks and everything to do with rediscovering yourself. We bring you real reviews, honest experiences, and unfiltered opinions that will make you laugh, cry, and most importantly, leave you with a filled up cup.
Ashley:I am so excited. Today I have Carrie Valentin joining me. Carrie and I are going to talk about basically life and the pivots that it throws our way. We are going to be talking about some really serious topics. So just a little disclaimer that we are not medical professionals and everything that we discuss is from our own personal experience. Thank you so much for being here today, Carrie.
Carrie:Yeah, thank you for inviting me.
Ashley:Can you tell us a little bit about your daughter, Sybil, and how you found out that she was sick?
Carrie:Yeah A year before we found out that she was sick, she started losing a ton of weight. I would, I know a year sounds like a long time, but it was about a year. Sybil had always been quite stocky and sturdy, and then I remember saying to My ex, who was my still my husband at the time is it just me or is she looking really thin? We both kind of were just like, oh, you know she's growing and she's thinning out because our older daughter is naturally, very very small boned and thin So that you know kind of bugged me didn't think too much about it. And then I would say maybe three or four months before her diagnosis, she wasn't eating. It was stressful because she was constantly crying because she was so hungry. But then when we gave her food, she could only eat a few bites and say, I'm full. I feel so bad saying this, but at the time as a parent, you're so frustrated because you're like, You've just been crying saying you're so hungry and I've made you this food and now you won't even eat it.
Ashley:I think all of the, moms can relate to that, where it's like your kid is sitting at the dinner table and you're like, just eat so that we can move on to the next thing that it would be so confusing'cause it's really mixed messages. How old was Sybil at that time?
Carrie:tHat was when she was, okay, so she was diagnosed when she was, so I would say that was when she was five, going on six.
Ashley:Yeah, so for sure. So it's kind of one of those things where you think that maybe they want to play and that they're getting distracted with all these other things that it's like eating can have so many different struggles in each family.
Carrie:Absolutely. As a parent, at this point, I've got three kids, right? And I'm tired and I'm just thinking, you know, I have a lot of guilt around this actually, I'm thinking, like, what kind of game is she playing here? But actually, if we can rewind for a sec, I just thought about this. So back when she was in preschool, so when she was three and four, the preschool teachers would say to me often, when we go outside to play on the playground, Sybil just lays on the bench and says she's tired while all the kids play. And I was thinking, that's weird. Weird, right? Like, yeah, three and four year olds usually have a ton of energy. They can't wait to run around. anD then we started to notice that when we would go on walks that she would cry and want to be carried or go in the stroller because she was too tired. And again, we're like, there's no way you're too tired. Like, come on, kids have tons of energy. We're not carrying you. This is ridiculous. I remember taking her to our GP a couple of times and explaining to him about her being lethargic and always saying she's tired. We had some blood work done and it just came up that she had low iron. So I figured, okay, she has low iron. So maybe, she's anemic. That's why she's tired. So there was the loss of weight, her being tired quite often, a lot of confusion around food, being hungry, but not eating. I would say the final sort of, for me, like, that's it, my gut is telling me something's up, it was Valentine's Day, and at school they were having a party. Sybil loves school, and she especially loves parties. So she woke up and she's like, I'm not really feeling well. And I said, well, you can stay home. She said, no, no, no. I really want to go to this party, mom. I really want to go. I'm super excited. So I take her and then I get a phone call, maybe an hour and a half into school and the receptionist asked me to come pick up Sybil. She's really not feeling well. She's gotta be feeling really bad for her to leave school today. So I picked her up and I called Chris, my husband at the time, and said I'm gonna take her to Burnaby General Hospital ER, like something's up with this kid, I have like a gut feeling about it. He's like, yeah, for sure. And then I called a girlfriend of mine Roz, who used to be an RN. And she said, Carrie, I think you should take her to Children's. And I'm like I don't know. Like, it's so far, because we live in Burnaby, right? And I'm like, it's far. I don't want to drive all the way down there. And she's like, no, I just think, I think you should. She's like, they're really good. You know, they're very thorough. I'm like, okay. So I go to Children's. We get a whole bunch of tests done. Everything's coming back fine. Like blood count is fine. Iron is fine. You know, like all the things are coming back fine. We've been there. I don't know how many hours now, like, you know, how it is at the emergency. You're sitting there for like six to 10 hours, you know, right? The doctor comes in and she goes, you know, I don't know how you feel about this. The ER doctor comes in. She goes, it's probably constipation. But she's like, I think we should do an x ray and I was kind of like like we've been here all day, but then I was like, yeah, yeah, okay, like something in me was like, no, do it. So we did it. I don't know how long went by, but the ER doctor came back and she's like, Oh, I want to show you the x ray. Everything's fine. We can see that she's constipated and she's showing me this x ray and she's like, you know, see all these little circles. Yeah, that's all her poop. So we're just going to give her some laxatives and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, awesome. We leave the hospital and I can still remember it was around 8 o'clock ish at night and I got a phone call 20 minutes after leaving the hospital from Chris and he said, the hospital just called, they're trying to get a hold of you. I'm like, well, that's weird. They told me she's constipated, I'm coming home. Well, they need you to go back there and be there by 8 a. m. tomorrow. And I was. Starting to panic, like, what, what do you mean, why? They didn't say, she left a number, the ER doctor, I guess, had called. So, he's like, when you get home, call her. So I called her, and she's like, yeah, they want you to come back. And I'm like, well, can you tell me what's going on? And she's like, I can't. They saw something on the x ray, and they want you to come back.
Ashley:Which, how terrifying. Like, it must have just felt like minutes were hours. I do understand on one hand that they can't give you information over the phone, but on the other hand, it's like how gut wrenching to do that to people.
Carrie:Yeah, it and I want to apologize if I start getting emotional or crying, which will probably happen.
Ashley:By all means, I would expect you to get emotional about it.
Carrie:Because it does bring a back a lot. Like this is very therapeutic for me to talk to you about this, but at the same time, when I start talking about it, it's like I'm, my body's going back there. So, right. So yeah, that night. I didn't really sleep much. I prayed a lot. I'm not a religious person. I'm a spiritual person and I just, sort of put it out there and was like, just let this be nothing serious and tried to stay positive. We got up, we went to the hospital and I knew the minute that we checked in at the triage that it was serious because I said, Sybil and I are here. And it was like, everybody was just. It was almost like panicking, but not really. That's how it felt to me. Like, you know, usually when you go to the hospital, it's like, okay, sit down. You got to wait. Well, it was like, as soon as I said she was there, people were coming out. They're like, okay, come with us. We've got to get her changed. And I'm just like, Whoa, like what is going on? Like, what is the urgency? So they basically brought us into a little room right away. They said they need to do an ultrasound, that they see something on the x ray behind all her poop, they noticed. They also had told me the ER doctor shouldn't have let me go, she shouldn't have diagnosed As just a constipation? Yeah, like, she didn't have that right to do that without letting The doctor who looks at the x rays, you know, look over it and say, yeah, this is fine, she can go.
Ashley:Which also has been really frustrating too, because even if that was true, it's like, how annoying to even tell you that. I just feel like that would have made me so mad for like, no reason. Whereas if you didn't know that information, and it really wouldn't have made a difference in that moment, not knowing, that it's kind of weird for them to like, point at each other and be like, not it, in a sense. Which I think is very common in our healthcare.
Carrie:Oh, totally. Yeah, totally, totally. I was never upset with the ER doctor. If anything, she saved Sybil's life by convincing me to take that x ray. Because I could have been like, no, I just want to go, like, we're tired, it's obvious she's constipated, the blood work's showing she's fine. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like her sort of being like, I think we should do this, and then me being like, Oh, okay. Right? So, they said they needed to do an ultrasound. At this point, I'm still going, okay, it's, I'm talking to myself, right, in my head. It's okay, Carrie, this isn't going to be something super serious. Maybe she's going to have to have some sort of surgery to get the poop out or something. I don't know the medical terms for any of this, right? But, I'm thinking it's something maybe. To that extent.
Ashley:When you guys went back in the morning, was it just you and Sybil or was anybody else with you?
Carrie:It was just Sybil and I.
Ashley:Then she ended up going for an ultrasound.
Carrie:Right. That was a very interesting experience because. I mean, I've had tons of ultrasounds, obviously, right, having kids and whatnot, and this ultrasound was taking forever. And the woman kept going over the same spot over and over and over, and I'm sitting there and I'm just trying to just be chill and not overthink it. I finally just said to the tech, look, we've been sitting here for almost 30 minutes and you're going over that same spot. And I'm starting to freak out. Can someone tell me what's going on here? And she's like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm almost done, I'm almost done. And then I'll get the, yeah, I think it's the radiologist. I'll get the radiologist to look at it and then she'll come talk to you. I'm like, okay. And then we're sitting there for some more time. And then she's like, okay, I'm done. And then she goes and talks to the radiologist. And, I mean, she's not gone very long. Then the two of them come in the room together. As soon as I saw the radiologist, face. I knew it was bad. I knew it. She sat down and said we have found a grapefruit sized tumor on one of her kidneys. And I'm just staring at her. I was like, okay. Is it cancer? And she's like, well, it doesn't look good. And I remember sort of having like some sort of out of body experience. I remember her talking to me and I'm looking at her and I can't hear what she's saying at this point anymore and it's just this sound in my ears and I'm obviously in severe shock. For any parent, having a child that is diagnosed with cancer, especially what I ended up finding out that Sybil had Like, the level that it had gotten to is the worst thing for a parent, right? Besides your child actually passing. No one wants to hear the c word about their kid. No, absolutely not. Or any disease or illness that could be terminal. But for me, I said for years before any of this, I would say to Chris, my biggest fear is that one of our kids is going to get cancer. That's my biggest fear. And he's like, stop Carrie, like you're going to put it out there. I guess just because cancer runs in my family, I had a stepfather pass away and then my mom, she had breast cancer and had to have both their breasts removed and, grandparents. I just had this fear. So I was like, I can't believe it. This was my biggest freaking fear besides one of my kids suddenly dying.
Ashley:I know that we hold guilt and shame about, as parents about the most random things. I really do hope that you know that you cannot manifest Sybil getting sick and that I really hope that you don't carry the guilt of having that fear. Because I think that parents, we have the most. Irrational fear at times. Like, obviously, with having a family history, it makes it more common. But I will remember, thinking if I took my daughter on a plane, that the plane was gonna crash and we were gonna die every single time. That it's like, I just really hope for you that you don't hold on to the fact that your fear came true and that you don't somehow feel guilty about that.
Carrie:I don't feel guilty about that, but There are things I do have guilt around, and I'm hoping to work through that stuff. Like when I said, she wouldn't want to eat. You're tired. It's the end of the day. You start getting upset. And you're not thinking clearly and you're like, Ah, like this is so frustrating. Like, why are you playing this game with me every night? Or when she, you know, on the walks and she's saying, I'm too tired. And you're going, there's just no way she's tired. She just wants to be carried. That's where I still carry guilt. It's like, oh my god, how could I have not known? But I mean, how could I have known? Right?
Ashley:Like, Exactly. I think it is one of those things hindsight is 20 20. We say that for a reason. as parents, we can only go by the information that we had at that time. And like at that time, like you said, three kids and whining about dinner. It's like, I'm sure your other kids would have same moments where they were like fooling around at the dinner table or they didn't want to eat certain foods that it's like, you can only see them almost like a group in that moment that it's like for each individual one. And like you said, when you had gone to the doctor, the labs seemed normal, in that moment, it's like, you can only go off the information that you have. I definitely can understand any mom holding on to guilt or, having different meanings assigned to different things with the information that we have now, but with the information that you had then, like, you did your best.
Carrie:Yeah, I know. And I need to give myself some grace, but there's still
Ashley:And it's so much easier said than done. Like, by all means, I'm not like, oh, let yourself off the hook. Like, it definitely is something that For whatever we hold on to, it's a process and it takes a lot of work and it takes, like, reaching out to help. So it's not something that you can just, like, get over and it's not something that you should blame yourself for not being able to just flip that switch in your head.
Carrie:Yeah. So, when we ended up finding out she had a tumor. Yes. And they said It's not looking good, but the radiologist is like, you know, I can't say what kind of cancer it is. I can't say for sure. She would have to have surgery and stuff. You're not leaving today. So we were admitted. We ended up meeting with the oncologist and his team they said, we're fairly certain it's Wilms cancer. Do you know much about, have you heard of Wilms? I had never either. Wilms starts on the kidneys and it likes to spread to the lungs. So Sibyl's cancer. After all, they ended up doing a ton more ultrasounds and MRIs and CTs and all this stuff after that initial, first ultrasound that I just talked about. They had noticed that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and into her lungs. So she had stage 4 Wilms cancer. When I hear stage 4, because my stepfather was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and had like 6 months to live, I'm automatically losing. My fucking mind. I'm going to a really dark place. Sorry. You know what's so funny about my brain around this is as soon as I go to that place, just mentioning it, I shut down. I can't think. My brain goes numb.
Ashley:Which I think is completely understandable that it would get like that. The pain would be so insurmountable that I can completely understand why your body would put up guards and be like, we're not even going to touch that.
Carrie:Like it won't even allow me to get to the feeling that I had. But I mean obviously there was a lot of tears and a lot of panicking and it's all a real blur that first part. Right before her surgery. So they had to take the tumor out. They said, we got to remove it and then we've got to take a sample of it and send it to Chicago to make sure it's Wilm's tumor. I'm like, okay. The oncologist says, it most likely is from where it is and where it's spread to, this is normal for a Wilm's tumor. He said, there's two types of Wilm's tumors. He said, there's favorable and unfavorable. If Sybil has favorable whilms, there's a higher chance of her recovering from this, going into remission. If it's unfavorable, There's a lower chance.
Ashley:I can just imagine, when we think of the stages, like stage four, I think with just everything that we've seen in movies and TV, it does sound like Like
Carrie:it's like it's terminal. Yeah. Oh, 100%. That's what Chris and I thought we were like we're gonna lose our kid.
Ashley:Now, going back a teensy bit. So, when they had first told you that Sybil had the tumor inside of her. It was just you and Sybil at the hospital. Did you end up calling your husband or other family members at the time? Or how did tell everybody what had happened?
Carrie:Yeah, I ended up obviously calling Chris right away because he had known I had taken her to Children's and he was eager, obviously worrying too, like, what's going on. So I told them they found this tumor and He was not okay. Just quickly, Chris had lost his sister to brain cancer a year before. So, this was very Triggering for him, obviously, right? Like, I mean, it's horrible for anybody, but he was just, losing it, he left work right away and came straight to the hospital. I ended up calling my girlfriend Roz, the one who suggested, God bless her, that I go to Children's in the first place. I ended up telling her it was going on and she went and picked up. Ellie, so Sybil's oldest sister from school. Chris came with Rosie, my little one, I needed Ellie to be out of school. I don't know if that was the right decision to pull Ellie from class. I'm sure she was like, what is going on? I just felt like we all needed to be together in that moment.
Ashley:YEah, I would definitely have done the same if I were you.
Carrie:Yeah, I'm kind of jumping all over the place here, but during Sybil's treatment. A lot of times she wanted Ellie there. They're very, very close and she said that when Ellie's with her, she feels stronger and braver. And I would get mixed messages from people saying, Oh, you know, you shouldn't put Ellie through that. It's super traumatizing for Ellie. You should leave her in school. And I kind of went back and forth with it, right? Like, should I just leave her in school it's so hard as a parent, right? Cause you got the one kid saying, I need that other kid there for support. She makes me feel better. And then it's like, but do I want to put it on the other kid? Like, that's a lot. That's a lot of trauma.
Ashley:I think there's no right answer. I think it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations. So you just kind of had to cross your fingers and hope for the best. Yeah. What are the age differences between the girls?
Carrie:Okay, so now Ellie's 10 and Sybil is 8 and Rosemary is 4.
Ashley:So that must have been so hard with the baby essentially being a baby and trying to balance this all too.
Carrie:Oh yeah, my mom actually came and stayed with us for the first two months because I was just like, I don't know how I'm going to do this. How am I going to, essentially for a year, like I would say, like I lived in a hospital for a year pretty much with Sybil. There's so much behind cancer that nobody sees, and you're just like, Oh my God, this is so much more than just a diagnosis. Like, there is so much that gets done and needs to be done. I'm a stay at home mom. I don't know how families where both parents have to work, to survive, and then one of their kids gets cancer like that. Like, I don't know how they do it. You spend so much time at that hospital. So my mom came for a couple months, which was really helpful. She hung out with Rosemary quite a bit. Rosie didn't know what was going on, right? Chris is, job, like his work is amazing. They gave him so much time off because he had to be home too, right? To bring Ellie to school and be with Rosemary. My mom couldn't live with us forever. Like she had to go back. yEah.
Ashley:When did you guys hear back from Chicago? I'm assuming that she had the favorable kind of Wilms
Carrie:she did. She did. You'd rather hear your kid didn't have cancer at all, and now it's like, I just. I just want to hear that it's favorable.
Ashley:You've got to take the wins where you can get them, right? In a situation like that.
Carrie:I remember saying to the doctor, because they're so positive, right? Like, the oncologist is being so positive. And, oh, don't worry, I know it's hard. She's going to be fine. I've seen so many kids walk out of here after, they're in remission, and she's going to be fine. And I'm just thinking, they're just saying that so that we don't lose our shit. I remember one night this was shortly after we found out she had favorable, so we were kind of like, okay, we can breathe. But now we've got this long journey of radiation and chemotherapy. It's still not guaranteed she's going to make it. I'm jumping all over the place again, her, lungs, and I'm so glad I didn't see the x rays. Chris did. I did not. I opted out. Her lungs were so full of cancer, I just, I don't even know how she's still here. They had told me, if we would have left it a little bit longer, she probably wouldn't be here. Like, it was so bad. So that's why this little girl couldn't run, or walk, because she wasn't getting enough oxygen. So anyways Back to after we found out when it was favorable one night, I'm sitting there and I said, I got to talk to this doctor. So I said, dr. Rod, amazing oncologist, by the way, really good man. I said, I need to talk to you in the hallway. So I took him out of the room and I remember being so close to his face. I don't know why, but I was right in his face and I'm like, you got to give it to me straight. You got to tell me, like, if my kid's going to fucking die. You gotta tell me, because I need to figure out how I'm going to get through this. I can't sit here and you tell me she's going to be okay, you think she's going to be okay, and you know that there's a good possibility that she's not going to make it. You need to tell me. And he said, I have a really good feeling she's going to make it, Carrie. He's like, I can't guarantee anything. He's like, you've got a lot of things on your side. So I was like, okay, okay. I felt a bit better. I mean, I needed him to just really be straight with me. You know what I mean?
Ashley:Yeah, you didn't want them to sell you, like, a happy story if they didn't feel that way. Where it would also be so hard because it's like, in a situation where there's no realm of control. Where it's like you still want to grasp for something and be like I need to be able to control that at least I feel like they're not lying to me or that I feel like they're not like placating me because they don't want to give me the bad news all at once or things like that where I think that it would be normal to not grasp at those straws, but just to make sure that you aren't going to be blindsided because you've already been blindsided by this life changing news of her being sick in the first place.
Carrie:Oh yeah, I was like, I need to mentally prepare for this. That's why I asked him, be straight with me. so Sybil had her surgery and it went well and they removed the tumor and they were able to remove some of the I don't know all the medical terms, they were telling me everything, but some tubes and some lymph nodes. So that was good. And then the next steps were to do radiation on the abdomen and the lungs, and then a year of chemotherapy.
Ashley:Did you get to stay in B. C. Children's or were you guys in the Ronald McDonald house?
Carrie:We weren't in Ronald McDonald because that's for families who live like in, yeah, like Kelowna or Vernon or Fort St. John or something like that. The reason I say we lived at the hospital so much is that, I don't think people realize, And why would they know this, but when your child is going through chemotherapy, the chemo kills absolutely everything within your child. They have absolutely no immune system. So if they get a fever, you have to phone the oncology unit first and say, we're coming in. Sybil has a fever. Or you go straight to the ER, the ER. Ends up getting you set up and then they end up taking you upstairs and you end up staying there for a week or however long it takes for the fever to go down. They have to do a bunch of blood work. A lot of times some of the blood work takes up to 72 hours to get the results back. What they're worried about is because she had a port. dO you know what a port is?
Ashley:For anybody unaware, can you explain what that is?
Carrie:I'll try. So she had surgery to have sort of like this little button.
Ashley:It's like an IV entrance,
Carrie:right? Yeah. And it's like a little button and then it has like a cap over top of it sort of thing. And then when they say we're going to access the port, they put in this needle into it. It's all under the skin. So you put a needle into it and then the chemotherapy goes straight into this. Main vein? Main artery? I'm sorry, I'm super not That's okay.
Ashley:But yeah, so it basically means that they don't have to give her an IV full of things every single time or poker and like
Carrie:in, like I say In the arm or the hand or Yeah. Yeah. It's less struggle. So with the port though, that can get infected. You don't want an infection in your blood. it's very serious because she doesn't have Especially with somebody with no immune system. Exactly. So that's why whenever the kid gets a fever, which was often because she has no immune system, you've got to go and you've got to be admitted. You have to get a bunch of blood work done. And then If they do see something with in the blood, then they give you some medication and then you've got to get the blood work done again and and see if it's gone and then you got to wait like another day just to make sure it's gone. You know what I mean? So you know that kid's got a fever. I'm probably going to be on the eighth floor at Children's for a week and she got a fever. Very often. I mean, we sent her to school when she could go when she had the energy because we wanted to make life as normal as possible for her. But at the same time, she was always getting sick.
Ashley:Well, it definitely, it goes back to there's no right answer. Whether you send her or keep her home, it is kind of hard because even with the other girls potentially being in school, even if Sybil stayed home, Odds are she would have ended up still catching something. Oh, totally. So I couldn't even imagine how much you probably wanted to just bubble wrap all of them at that point.
Carrie:I know.
Ashley:And it must have been like, again, with your worst fear coming true, it must have been in some ways so hard for the other two in the sense that you're like, and what's going to happen to you or having your fear being so high into your body of almost not thinking clearly, if that makes sense.
Carrie:Oh, yeah. I didn't think clearly at all for that year, I'll tell you that. The whole thing affected every single one of us. Ellie ended up being diagnosed with, severe anxiety disorder during that time. She thought she was dying all the time. She was having panic attacks all the time. I'm her person that she wants to be with when she's feeling that way and I can't because I'm in the hospital and Chris is trying his best, you know, like, you want to be with your mom, it's. in us to just have that natural nurture. Yeah, you know, it's not like dad is being a jerk. He just can't be like mom, you know? So, that was really, really hard. Ellie's still, every time Sybil gets sick or, Rosie gets sick, or any of us, actually, for that matter, or herself, she's like, what do you think, mom? Like, do you think it's really serious? Like, do you think it's cancer? Do you think I'll be okay? Or will she be okay? Like, how serious is it? It's really affected her. And yes, my kids go to therapy.
Ashley:I'm a big therapy advocate. I think that Me too. It's one of those things that, you can't go to the problem for the solution, and not that your daughter is a problem, but do you know what I mean? You can't solve our own stuff all of the time, or have all the answers, so I think that I am very grateful that we live in a place that has so many different options as far as therapy goes whether it's talk therapy, whether it's like an EMDR thing, I'm a huge advocate in us It's sort of letting our guard down and being like, please help me and listening to other people for the solution.
Carrie:If I'm being totally honest, I'm just grateful for the therapy because I don't even know how to help her and I feel because I'm trying to just keep myself together. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just trying to get myself better so that I can be. solid again for them. I don't know how to, deal with this kid that's having these anxiety attacks and stuff. So it's very nice for her to go to the therapist and then the therapist to work through how to deal with her issues. We are blessed that we have such good child psychologists, out there because, I'm so effed up from the whole thing. I can't help them to the best of my ability is what I'm trying to say.
Ashley:I think it's really brave of you to acknowledge that as a parent because I think sometimes we do want to be everything to everybody. And it can be really scary and it can be really hard to say, like, I don't know how to deal with this. I don't have these tools. I'm drowning myself, so I can't help her not drown. All we can do is love them, but when it comes to reaching out for help, like, I think that there's nothing wrong with asking for help, so I think it's really great for you and your family that you have that same mindset, that it's like, knowing, this is a horrible, tragic thing that happened, that it's like, everybody's gonna have different levels of being able to deal with it, or different, like, for Ellie, she may notice it as her brain develops, she may end up being more consciously aware of it. within time or like how they grow, then she would have been in the moment. So it does make total sense that she is having more anxiety and more fear around it just as she's becoming more aware of the situation.
Carrie:Right. And then with Rosie, Rosie's just absolutely horrified by hospitals and doctors. When I tell her she has a doctor's appointment, she screams her off. All she thinks about is that she's going to get pokes and needles and Rosie was never there in the hospital for any of the port accessing or any of the treatments. But there was one chemotherapy that was so bad. I don't remember what it's called, but. It would kill off all the white blood cells. To be honest, I can't remember exactly what this chemo did, but it was horrible. That's okay. And I had to give Sybil a shot in her leg every night to build up the white blood cells faster. Because the body couldn't do it. So, even before this cancer stuff, Sybil is the one kid, out of all my kids, that hates talking about body parts, hates talking about blood, never liked needles. She was the kid with the immunizations that you had to, like, hold down and you're feeling so bad about it. So, giving this shot in the leg for a week, you'd have to do it for a week straight, was traumatizing. For all of us. So Rosemary's at home and as much as, you know, I'd be giving the shot or trying to give the shot to Sybil, fighting with her to get it into her leg, you know, Chris would be with Rosie trying to distract her, but it's like, she knows what's going on. So now she's completely traumatized.
Ashley:Absolutely. It's a whole family thing, and there's not really something where you can shield the other girls or shield any of the members. You are all in it together in the thick of it. Mm-Hmm. How long did Sybil have to go through chemo and when did you guys find out that she had gone through remission? or that the cancer was, I don't know how you would phrase it.
Carrie:Yeah, so, that's a really good question because, I didn't really know what to call it either. She was diagnosed, february 15th, 2022. We basically started treatment like a month after that. So March. So she did her full year and then we did a huge scan in March of 2023. Thank you. We did the big scan, the CT and MRI and all the things. They said that the tumors in her lungs were basically gone. Which is a miracle because one lung was completely full There was still spots in her lungs that there still is spots to this day in her lungs But at that time. They didn't know if it was still cancer or if it was scar tissue or calcified cancers cells so they figured That it was scars and calcified cancer cells. The only, way we would know for sure is if there's still active cancer in those tumors, they would start to grow. And they haven't grown. Anyways, back to when they told us that's what they think it is. And I was like, okay, so is she in remission? And they're like, yeah, I guess you can say she is.
Ashley:How often do they do, like, every six month checkups or after they're like, okay, we can finally breathe, we can somewhat confidently say that it's remission, where do you go from there?
Carrie:yOu go back every three months and you have blood work done and tests done again. They alternate because Having a CT scan is radiation, and doing that every three months on her body would kill her. So, we would alternate. We'd go, okay, so, three months in, we're going to have blood work done. And then we're going to have an x ray, just a regular x ray. Then three months in, blood work. Now we're going to do ultrasound on the abdomen to make sure the other kidney's okay and nothing is going on there. Then another three months in, okay, now we're going to do blood work and an MRI. And then another three months in, okay, now we're going to do blood work and a CT. They're just kind of going through different procedures to check on her body. So this last checkup, which was around Christmas. It was a big one. And they said she's still good. It was some sort of milestone. And the reason I don't know this stuff is, if I'm being honest, my brain has really shut down to a lot of this experience. It's basically in a fog on autopilot. So it's like when I'm saying I don't know what it's called or I don't know what year it was. It was like I literally couldn't, it's almost like a blacked out or blocked out quite a bit of it. But this last checkup, it was a big one. The little marks in her lungs are actually getting even smaller and there's nothing new growing. We will continue for another year going every three months. And then after that, it's every six months for a couple years, and then after that, it's every year. And she will basically have to check in every year for forever.
Ashley:Which must be so devastating, the idea of it sort of lingering over her in that way. Oh yeah. It's so amazing that at least in the situation where it does look like everything's shrinking and there's no recurring. I can just imagine how, stressful and like re traumatizing and anxious when it comes up to having to do those three month tests. Of like, waiting probably for, your world to shatter again or probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I can just imagine for your family what that's like.
Carrie:There's actually a name for it, hey, for that feeling. It's called scanziety and it's the scans that are coming and it's anxiety. Like it's actually a word.
Ashley:It's so shitty that it's so common that we need a word for it.
Carrie:And Sybil's so badass, that kid. She's so strong. She's way stronger than I am, with all of this. She'll be so strong and so positive, and then when we actually do get to the hospital for that scan, or that blood work. Then it all comes out. She says to me, I don't like being here. It reminds me of a really bad time, mom.
Ashley:Well, at least she has the emotional capacity to, Acknowledge it or to be able to not feel like she has to bottle that situation up and I look forward to the days where, she is, oh, it's a year, and not, you know, marking it on the calendar, dreading it, where it's like, oh yeah, the year's coming up again.
Carrie:She's gonna be okay. She has so much life left, you know? Absolutely. She's hardcore, that kid. Oh my gosh.
Ashley:Now, you had kind of talked about how Rightfully so that you were like in a fog and you guys were basically just drowning and, staying the course basically for Sybil but that you couldn't pour from an empty cup so it's not like you were, I don't know, able to do regular date nights or just to be yourself during that time and instead of just being like Sybil's a warrior and like Did you find that you and Chris were having issues prior to Sybil getting sick, or did that kind of all come to a head during that journey?
Carrie:No, we were having issues prior to that. We were having issues probably a couple years before that.
Ashley:How long were you married,
Carrie:we got married May 20th, 2012, so 11 years. I mean, I guess we're separated now on paper. So I guess 10 years we were married.
Ashley:A really long time in this day and age, like I just, I feel like it's becoming less and less common that people are married 20, 30, 40 years. So I think 10 is, successful in itself, even if it ended in divorce or is ending in divorce.
Carrie:Mm hmm. I mean. Long story short, there was no infidelity or anything like that. It's basically two people who grew apart. For sure. And I mean, three kids, right? Like three little kids. We were like passing ships in the night. There was no more dating. There was no more. Romance, we were surviving and we grew apart. mOre me, it was me that wanted this. And before Sybil got sick, I really struggled with it. I was like, I can't believe I'm going to do this. No, I'm not going to do it. I can fix this marriage, you know, like sort of going back and forth telling Chris, like, I don't think I can do this anymore. Then a week later being like, no, no, no, I'm going to make it work. I couldn't make a decision and stick to it. I knew in my gut, I wanted out, but I just. Obviously, we have three kids together and we had been through so much together even before Sybil getting sick. There was just so much pain in ending the marriage, right? Yeah. But then when Sybil got sick I realized life it can blow up obviously in a second. Like, everything can change within a second. And I was done being unhappy. I know that sounds terrible because if you look at my life from the outside, I've got like the white picket fence. Well, not literally white picket fence, but you know what I mean? We have the house and we have the kids and I'm a stay at home mom and he works and I make the food and blah, blah, blah. How can she be unhappy? I just, I wasn't happy and I was just kind of coasting through life and then Sybil got sick and I was like, no more. I need out of this marriage, I need to find myself again, and I need to live. It was really hard for Chris, and Chris is a super good man, so. Any women out there, you know, if you're looking for a really hardworking, nice guy, I've got one for you. Just be, be nice to my kids.
Ashley:It's actually so funny because one of the ladies that will be on the podcast she wrote this book called Unapologetic Spinster and she has an application that you can actually fill out on her website like if you want to date her, that it just made me think of it when you're like if there's anybody out there that it's like maybe that lady.
Carrie:You know, he's a good guy. He's just not my person anymore. Like you know how people say, Oh, I have my soulmate, my person for life. I don't believe in that. I think we changed so much from 30 to 46. You know what I mean? Like we met when I was 31. I'm turning 47. I've changed and grown so much and we've grown apart. I
Ashley:think like what you had talked about, like that, you know, good on paper, that white picket fence. Most of the time, I think that when it looks too perfect from the outside, there's no such thing as normal, like when we go and really go investigate every single person, every single person is struggling with something, every single little person, doesn't always put Their actual real life, like say on Instagram or things like that. I think that it isn't something that you can judge from the outside. That I think it is one of those things that sometimes marriages end, they can still be considered, like I said, 10 years is still, I think, a successful marriage, even if it ends in divorce. I don't always think divorce ends because of abuse, or scandal, or cheating. Sometimes it really is just like, I love you as a friend, but I'm not in love with you anymore. And it can still be, like, a happy new normal.
Carrie:Yeah, I mean, I still live with Chris. I have my own bedroom downstairs. It's been interesting. There are challenges because, you know, we're trying to navigate, like you said, like this new normal. I won't be living with him forever. I will eventually move out, but we decided once Sybil was in remission, I've decided that I'm gonna move. He'll buy me out. I'm not just gonna move out of the house now. Like, our kids have had so much trauma. Yeah. I can't go and just move out now. We need to get things calm again. The girls know that mommy and daddy are no longer married. We've tried to explain it to them the best we can. We're pretty amicable and like we're pretty good around them. Like there's no fighting and arguments. We still hang out as a family. We just finished going to Britannia Beach the mining museum up there as a family. The kids loved it. And I told them, we both told them, we said, you know, look, just because mommy and daddy aren't. We say boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Mommy and daddy are friends and we're still a family and our top priority for both of us is you guys.
Ashley:And I think that's huge. My parents were divorced. They divorced when I was like, 18 months, two years old. So I don't have memories of them together, but it was sort of the same thing. They could hang out. Like my dad would come pick me up. He'd give my mom like a hug and a kiss. They'd be like, Hey, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Like, it was fine. So my mom, I was 24 when she passed. So in the 24 years that. They were, alive at the same time. I remember them fighting twice. So I think sometimes divorce can be that happier alternative, where it's like you get the best of both of your parents without, an ugly custody battle or, parents that hate each other. Or parents that stay married for the kids while actively hating each other and then that toxicness. So I think that having parents that can be friends and can be friendly and can be amicable, I think is the best that you can give your children and yourself.
Carrie:Absolutely. A lot of times I was like, I should stay for the kids. But I thought to myself, if I stay for the kids so that I don't hurt Chris and I keep our family together. I'm going to be depressed for the rest of my life. And that sounds so horrible because it's not like being with Chris is hell, you know what I mean? But I would be abandoning myself to make him happy and, the kids wouldn't be happy down the road if mom was miserable, but you know what I'm trying to say? Like I'd be abandoning myself if I stayed.
Ashley:And I think that, like you said, it is so true that when something traumatic and scary happens, we do realize that life is short and we only get to live this life once and that you really do have to make the most of it, whatever that looks like. And I think that As women, once we get to, I want to say like the 35 year mark, you do kind of start reflecting and going like, Hey, I did a lot of shit in my twenties for the sake of doing it because it pleased a man or because it pleased my parents or because of whatever. But I think once you kind of get to your mid thirties and beyond, you start to realize like, Oh, I don't have to do that anymore. Or now that I'm in this situation, what does bring me joy? What do I actually like? And it's, I feel like. You get stuck in a wife mode or a mom mode or working person mode or all of these different versions of yourself that it can be really hard to make them all one cohesive unit and try to figure out like, what does this version of me like to do? Who am I now? And I think that those conversations are happening more and more. And I think we need to sort of, you know, eliminate the shame around them. It's okay to try to figure out who we are at different stages, and maybe that does mean divorcing, maybe that means moving to the other side of the country, like it could be maybe starting a new career, any of these things that I think it's okay to lean into different opportunities.
Carrie:Yeah, I mean, we don't have enough time for me to talk about, the deep rooted reason why the marriage didn't last. But I'll just say this really quick. I grew up with a lot of childhood trauma. And I knew what I didn't want in a man. Yeah. And when I saw Chris, I was like, he's safe. I want safe. And I'll just leave it at that. He's a good guy, but he's, not my person anymore.
Ashley:Which I think it's okay to admit. And like you said, you're open to him dating. Hopefully he's open to you dating that hopefully your partners become this like awesome blended family.
Carrie:We've talked about it. I mean, he doesn't like talking about it because he's still, you know, he told me, he's like, Carrie, if I found out that you were dating someone, I'd obviously be very hurt, but I'm not stupid. Like, it's going to eventually happen. But we've talked about it. Like, we still want to spend Christmases together and the girl's birthday. So when, We meet people. It's like, look, like, are you okay with that? I can't be with a man that is going to feel threatened by Chris. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. Like, I need someone who's like, yeah, I totally get it. Kids are important. Let's all hang out, you know?
Ashley:In some ways it's kind of nice to be able to have like that kind of like bullshit meter where you can be like, you get to test the waters that way and weed out the ones that aren't going to be in it for the long haul. Or like, we'll do mornings with your kids and afternoons with mine, and it becomes like this massive blending.
Carrie:I'm really scared, like, even though the it's done, we're separated, and I will be moving out sooner than later, I'm still really scared. Because there's always, part of you that's like, what if I'm making the wrong decision? What if I'm really effing up my life? But at the same time, I have a lot of excitement. I'm excited. I'm really excited to, find me and be me again, whoever that is, you know?
Ashley:Glad that you're excited about it. And I think the fear of making any decision or the finality of a choice can be really hard and really scary, but I feel like I don't know why we're taught not to trust our intuition or to question it, especially as women, but I think it's one of those things that, like, your gut will let you know if it's the right choice. And realistically, say you made the wrong choice and you were supposed to end up with Chris, I'm one of those people that I believe that if that was actually what was supposed to happen, then maybe you'll get remarried in 10 or 15 years. Do you know what I mean? I
Carrie:feel like, yeah, yeah, I
Ashley:agree. It doesn't have to be fear in the choice because no matter what, you will make the right choice for yourself.
Carrie:Absolutely. chris and I have funny enough, I've actually even talked about that because I'm always like, what if I'm like making the wrong decision? He's like, well, then I guess we'll just get back together in five years. Yeah. Like, yeah. Okay, cool.
Ashley:Well, and I think that's awesome to be able to have that relationship and still be able to sort of share your fears and be open enough about it that it's nice to have that safety of we're family no matter what. And whether going through such a massive trauma has sort of solidified that and made that connection stronger in a sense so that you guys. aren't able to hate each other in the way that some parents hate their co parent.
Carrie:Yeah, absolutely. Chris and I are good and I'm sure once he becomes, I don't know what the word would be, just more used to this new normal I'm pretty sure I tell him all the time, I'm like, I think in a couple years you'll be like, Thank God I don't live with her anymore. And he's like, no. And I'm like, come on, like, seriously, like, trust me. This is a good thing. You'll thank me down the road.
Ashley:Now, one thing I've seen you talk about is being sober curious. Were you a big drinker previous to wanting to do this?
Carrie:So yes and no. So I'm a binge drinker. I'm not an everyday drinker, which isn't true, because when Sybil was sick, I drank a lot. That's how I got through that. And I know it's not. a healthy way to get through it. But I'll tell you now, if I didn't have alcohol during that time, I'm not sure I would have gotten through it. But besides that I've always in my 20s, you know, I worked in clubs and bars and pubs, and I've always loved that party lifestyle. I did a lot of drinking and the thing about me is I can't drink like a normal person. I Get the taste of the alcohol and I'd say after the second drink, it's like go time. It's like there's no going back now. And I will drink all night long and be really, really sick the next day. This has been happening since my twenties. I wouldn't say every single time I went out and had a drink. I'd be super sick, but it was like 8 times out of 10, and I didn't know when it was going to happen. I didn't know if this time was going to be crazy Carrie was going to come out and black out, like, I didn't know. I didn't know when it was going to happen, so it was kind of like a 50 50 chance, but it usually ended up happening more than not. I will say this, I never, I've never been. Crazy Carrie drunk, or wasted around my children. But, I've been sober for, it was four months on January 3rd. Third. So, I would say about a month before I decided that I'd like to see how long I can go without alcohol. Ellie, my oldest, said to me, I was going out one night and a lot of times when I knew I was going out drinking with friends, I would just stay the night at a girlfriend's house and then come home the next day. Cause like I said, I don't like to be drunk in front of my kids. Ellie was like, okay, so are you coming home? I'm like, yeah, I'll come home tomorrow. And she goes, Oh, so you're going out and drinking, right? And then you're going to lay in bed all day tomorrow, sick. And it just kind of hit me. I was like, Oh wow. I don't know why I didn't think they noticed, like, she's 10, but I was like, oh wow, like, they're starting to really notice what I'm doing, and then I was kind of like I don't know if I'm being a very good role model, my hangovers could last, like, if I drank on a Friday night, Saturday night, 100%. is a write off. I'm in bed for the entire day and Chris has the kids. And sometimes Sunday, I'm still a write off in the morning. I just had this aha moment. I was like, Carrie, you're turning 47. You have three young kids. What are you doing? Why are you laying in bed all awake and puking your guts out? And it was kind of like, I'm going to see if I can do this. I'm going to see if I can go without drinking because I don't like calling myself an alcoholic. I think I still have this image of an alcoholic being someone who is like drinking a bottle of Jack from like, Oh, Eight in the morning, all day long kind of thing, right? Yeah. Like that's, you kind of like from what you see in the movies or what you were taught when you were a kid, what an alcoholic is, that's the picture I have. I have a problem with alcohol where once I start, a lot of times I can't stop and I started to notice, especially when Sybil was sick, When I started to feel overwhelmed or it was too much, I'd have a few drinks. It started being with like everything. Like, oh my god, my kids, they're driving me insane. They won't shut up. I'm gonna have a gin. I need a gin. And then I'd have like three or four gins. And then the weird thing is, I won't binge drink at home, but I do when I'm out. I can't explain it. I just know it's a problem.
Ashley:Well, and I think, especially as somebody who worked in like restaurants and bars and things like that, you would almost put drinking with being social, so it would seem easier when you're out and about with friends. Whereas like, It's almost like split personalities in a sense that it's like, I'm the going out Carrie when I'm doing this and I'm the mom Carrie when I'm at home with the kids and it's almost dividing your brain in two.
Carrie:I definitely was noticing I was using it as a crutch right and it worked, like I said, for a really long time. I just wasn't dealing with stuff. I just wasn't dealing, period, with anything. Because as soon as I felt overwhelming feelings, I would have some drinks, and then I'd feel good again.
Ashley:It's one of those things, you don't see it until you see it. So it almost does take, like, one of the girls saying something. Or it does take, like, an aha moment. That I think a lot of the times it's like we want to stay, you know, numb, we don't want to feel bad things and especially the trauma that you experienced isn't something that anybody should have to go through. So I think not having the tools of like, how am I going to process this while I'm in the thick of it? Like not saying, you know, wine or gin is the answer, but it's understandable why in that moment, obviously, like, if you could have something that's going to make you feel better, why wouldn't you take it in that moment? Do you know what I mean? If that's causing you to have some relief in the day and by all means, like, I'm not advocating, I don't think either one of us are saying, like, if you're going through hard times, like, grab a drink. But when you're in the thick of suffering, like you're not thinking logically and you know, you are looking for anything to make you feel better. And congratulations on having four months of not drinking and really having. I guess the ability to kind of stand back and look and say, Hey, do I actually want this? And be brave enough to go, I'm going to see what life looks like without drinking, because that isn't an easy task. And a lot of people, you know, stay functional alcoholics so that they don't have to see what's on the other side of the soberness.
Carrie:Yeah. I just want to make it very clear, like, I don't judge anyone that drinks or even uses drugs or anything like that. I think going back to you saying, like, you know, you can understand how I might need to drink when I went through everything with Sybil or I'll go back to my twenties. So I won't get into too much of what I went through as a child, but I had a lot of really bad child trauma and I ended up moving. to Alberta to get away from my family and just run from problems. And I drank a lot in my twenties and I did a lot of really dumb stuff and, a lot of things that I regret. But at the same time, I've given myself grace because I knew that I was like this very wounded, hurting person. I couldn't deal with my pain. And I'll say it again. It's ironic, but it's almost like the alcohol saved me in such a weird way. Because, like, you don't want to say that. Like, I don't want to say to people, like, Oh my gosh, you're suffering. Go get wasted. It'll save you. Because it doesn't, right? It ends up snowballing. Things get worse, and there's depression, and sometimes people can't get out of it, and then they go to drugs, and what I'm trying to say here is that it helped me a lot until it didn't. You know what I mean? I feel like I'm too old and no judgment again, but I just feel like, you know, I'm not 20 anymore. Like, when I was 20 and boozing and we were partying and stuff, it was just, it seemed more, to me, socially acceptable.
Ashley:And the hangovers were not as bad in your 20s as they are in your 30s, 40s and like older. Like they, they
Carrie:just are not the same. They're so bad. I just, like I said, I don't judge anyone that drinks or uses because I think that all of us have our stuff. Like you said earlier in this conversation, we're all broken people because of something. Even with myself, like when I look at little Carrie, like my inner child, I drank like that in my twenties because I didn't know how to cope, right? Like, that's why we drink. We have pain and we don't know how to deal with it. We don't know how to cope. Or that's why people end up using, because they have some sort of mental health issues. They don't know how to cope. So, just want to make it super clear that to each their own I think I'm just going to do this sobriety thing. I really am feeling like a different person, and I know that sounds, I don't know. Cheesy. But I'm starting to feel different. I wrote a post about seeing the light again and it's true, like I'm really starting to see the light again. I think it's because my brain is a lot clearer and I'm now sitting in my stuff. I'm sitting in the stuff that I have not been dealing with. And it's uncomfortable, and it's like super, super, I don't even know what the word is, it's just so uncomfortable, like I've laid in bed and just like angry cried, like screaming and just angry crying and just grieving and getting everything out, and that would not be happening. If I was still drinking, because as soon as I would feel that feeling of pain, or I don't like myself, or this is too much, I wouldn't deal with it. Like I said before, I would just pour myself a drink, and then another drink, and then maybe, most likely, another drink.
Ashley:It totally makes sense. And I think what we don't really grasp is grownups and our generation, like they never talked about mental health. So again, it's such a gift that you're giving that to your girls because in our generation, it was basically taught that you bottle everything up and then it just poop goes away and it doesn't actually poop goes away. It just lives inside of you and gets bigger and bigger. And it's like, until we have those ugly cries, until we work through everything and process it. And a lot of it. All roads kind of lead back to childhood trauma and what we can't process then, we're going to have to process at some point. So it's like the longer we put it off, it's just putting off that inevitable. And again, with professional help and with tools in place so that it's done safely. And so that you are. You're going to get to a place where you're on the other side and you feel happy and healthy. But I do think the only way through it is through and it sucks and it's terrible but I do think that it's like, once you get to the point where you're clear and you can let go of guilt and you can let go of shame and sort of work through that trauma, it's like you're going to fix that not only for yourself, but for your girls. So that. generational trauma doesn't happen and I just think that's the best gift that you can give them even if it's not easy to get there.
Carrie:Yeah and that's huge. Thank you for saying that about the the generational trauma because that was another thing I was like it's gonna end with me. I have to say it hasn't been easy the last four months. I have alcohol in my fridge right now because Chris drinks. Like, he's not a big drinker. He has a couple beers here and there and there's this really delicious ciders right now. Like, these apple ginger ciders that I love drinking. I have gone to that fridge and opened the fridge and just stared at them. And your mind kind of starts to justify why you should just maybe just have one. Like, nobody's going to know. No one's going to know. Who would know? What has helped is I have a friend who's sober. And I would just call him and say, Look, I really am feeling stressed. And there's these ciders or I actually have my gin on the shelf still. I just could so use a drink. Like, does that mean that I'm not sober anymore if I just have like one drink? Like, what does that mean? It's, it's been challenging. Absolutely.
Ashley:Which I think is a really good thing to share with people, so if you're somebody listening that's going through sobriety, know that it's not like you just flip a switch and decide you don't want to drink. It can be one day at a time and that's awesome that you have sober friends that you can reach out to that understand your struggle and can relate to you and that you can lean on each other because I think it can be really challenging to let go of something like that.
Carrie:Yeah. And there's sort of like this running joke with my. Good friends that I've known since we were kids. And when I told them I'm getting sober, they're like, Well, if anyone should Carrie, it should be you. And I just laugh because I know I'm a total shit show when I get wasted. I don't know who I become, but it's embarrassing. I also want to say too, like, I've sat in the last four months in a lot of self pity and self loathing. And if anyone else is going through this, It's normal. And it sucks.
Ashley:That's such a good point. if somebody else felt the same way, would you feel comfortable with them reaching out to you on social media?
Carrie:Oh my god. Yeah. A hundred percent.
Ashley:Can you tell them where they can find you online?
Carrie:Yeah. So my instagram handle is at Carrie. So C A R R I E underscore B dot wellness.
Ashley:Carrie, thank you so much for sharing your story with me tonight.
Carrie:Oh, you're welcome. Thank you so much for, you know, this is therapeutic for me. So thank you for inviting me.
Ashley:Anytime. If you want to come back in a year sober and share with us what. That looks like now and what you've learned, I would absolutely love that.
Carrie:Yes. For sure. Thank you so much, Ashley.
Thank you so much for joining us today for this episode of the filled up cup podcast. Don't forget to hit subscribe and leave a review. If you like what you hear, you can also connect with us at buildupcup. com. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.