Ep. 88 Lindsay Sealey

On this episode, I am joined by Lindsay Sealey. She is an educator, consultant, mentor, facilitator, speaker, and difference maker. She is a girl advocate, girl champion, and girlhood enthusiast. She is a social activist and intentional about promoting local and global social change and pursuing her Ph D in Mind-Body Medicine.

We discuss her newest book: Wild About You. Wild About You is designed to help you explore what it means to truly love yourself, as you are today. Loving yourself may be a new concept and a new practice for you. Yet, loving yourself is essential for your health and happiness, for your relationships, and for all you can offer this world! The Wild About You e-book explores the very question, “Are you wild, crazy, and deeply in love with yourself?”, understanding why we fall out of love with who we are really, how to be wild about you (awareness, acceptance, self-trust, and prioritizing self-care and self-compassion), and how to access the love you need inside of you. The e-book is filled with ideas and inspiration, quotations, journal prompts, and colourful images!

Lindsay has generously made this free for listeners until the end of April:
Wild About You e-book - Lindsay Sealey
Bold New Girls ™ (@boldnewgirls) • Instagram photos and videos

Filled Up Cup - Unconventional Self Care for Modern Women
Ashley ~ Filled Up Cup podcast (@filledupcup_) • Instagram photos and videos

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the filled up cup podcast. We are a different kind of self care resource, one that has nothing to do with bubble baths and face masks and everything to do with rediscovering yourself. We bring you real reviews, honest experiences, and unfiltered opinions that will make you laugh, cry, and most importantly, leave you with a filled up cup.

Ashley: 0:30

I am very excited. I have Lindsay Sealey joining me again today. Thank you for coming back on my show. Thank you for having me. We are going to discuss her newest ebook, which is called Wild About You. Can you tell us a little bit about the inspiration for Wild About You and where that came from?

Lindsay: 0:49

Yes, this might sound like a very strange story, but I am an avid Starbucks fan. Customer and one day I was getting my coffee and I think they had just put out it must have been the valentine's cards and I saw a little heart Starbucks card that goes on your keychain and it said wild about you so it was aesthetically pleasing. It was really multicolored and pretty, but I think what struck me was. The idea, like I spent some time thinking about it, and I could say I appreciate myself and I like myself, maybe love myself, but I have never once had the thought or the language, I'm wild about me, I think it just must have impacted me like, is that even possible to be wild about yourself, or even to be wild about someone else like it's such a bold statement, and I think it just resonated with me and I thought about it and reflected about it and thought, you know what, if I need to hear that, and this is having such an effect on me, I bet you others need to hear it too. And so I started to unpack the idea of self love and what that means.

Ashley: 1:53

I love that inspiration can really come at any point for us, but it's almost like those aha moments because it really is. We talk about, you know, self love and self compassion, but it does seems such a challenging concept in some ways. So to really think like I could be wild about myself and be so in love with myself. I don't know why it seems so hard, but it does seem like a hard idea to wrap My head around a little bit, and I think potentially it could be like, as women, we are genetically wired to care so much about other people that we just give and give and give that I feel like at the end of the day, a lot of the times it can feel like we don't have a lot to give to ourselves. So this idea that we should be thinking about ourselves more and be, in love with ourselves and have those feelings I think is so needed and so important.

Lindsay: 2:43

I think that's true. And I just, I think I'm grappling with like most people, why is that so hard? Like you think it would be the most natural thing. I believe we're born. loving ourselves a hundred percent and yet flash forward into your 20s 30s 40s and beyond and it's like sometimes it's not even a thought that you should love yourself sometimes you don't even feel like you're worthy of that love so i think i went pretty deep with the starbucks card which i just thought of now ashley is like It's probably a card for, obviously, like, someone you love. And I thought, wild about you, like, I would give you the card because I'm wild about you. But I didn't actually think of that first. I just thought, wild about you, like, me. Like, anyway I, I took it self love, not romantic love or any other kind of love. I think it's something I've always grappled with, been very challenged to love myself. And something that, you know, I'm still trying to Sort out. I think I'm getting closer, but I think that it resonated with me because I was so far from the idea of wild about myself.

Ashley: 3:45

When do you think that changes? Like I know, I believe that too as kids, we do think we're awesome. Look how fast I can run, look how high I can jump, like there is that like, I'm so cool. Do you think it's more in the teen years when like hormones and insecurity changes that it kind of comes in? Or when do you think that changes for us?

Lindsay: 4:05

I do think it's individual and obviously, like any idea, there's so many factors, you know, how you're raised and how you're treated specifically. How much stress or trauma is in the household. If there's addictions, like I think it's very dependent on a lot, but if I think of my experience and now with the girls that I'm coaching, I do believe that we're born a hundred percent in love with ourselves. We know ourselves, we love ourselves. And we don't even have to blink in terms of getting our needs met. You know, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, I'm sad. You know, we just do it so beautifully and so intuitively. And I think what happens is that we start to grow. Let's just say ballpark. It's like. Age 567, we become aware of the fact that we're not the center of the universe and that there are other people. And those other people may love us, may give us what we need, and they may not. But what we need most, this is a survival mechanism for all humans, is we need connection. And we will work really hard to keep connection at all costs. And so I think what happens, let's say we're not getting our needs met, So, let's say you know, we notice that when we are good, or when we're helpful, or when we please our parents, they. applaud that or they say, oh, that's so great. And we feel like, oh, that's the love. So we learn to do more of that to get love, even though we might want to say something like, look, I've had a really bad day or I'm sad or I'm mad at you, but we don't. So we learn to be somebody to show what people need to take care of what they need because. We need to survive. I, as a kid, most kids do not want to die, and they don't want their parents to leave them. That is such a strong fear that I think it's slow, but, and it's not intentional, it's against survival, it's instinctive. I think we start to disconnect. And you do it little by little, so now you're pleasing people, you're like being who they want you to be, you're making sure your feelings, your needs, your desires, they're not too big, maybe just a little here and there, but you don't want to ask too much, you don't want to be too loud, you don't want to be too demanding, too sad, too whatever. And I feel like that then becomes our new identity, even though if we looked back like a movie, we would say, Oh no, that's not your true identity. You're holding back. You're becoming smaller. You're thinking less and less of yourself. So I think it's slow, right? And then yes, we get into the teen years. Of course, that's exasperated by growth and peer pressure and a lot of other dynamics. And I think it's just almost like a path we get on. That we don't even know we're on and that we learn later with more self awareness and maybe some extra support. We learn that it's probably not the best path and we then start to journey back to ourselves and our true selves.

Ashley: 7:07

Which is so heartbreaking in a sense to really think about because that is totally what happens. I think for a lot of people maybe that's why you kind of hit those like early 20s in your life. Who am I, and how do I figure this out without falling into those rabbit holes of I want this boy to like me, so I'm going to behave this way. I want to still have a connection with my parents, so I'll Play this role and really divide yourself into all of these little boxes in a sense.

Lindsay: 7:36

Yeah, it's hard when it's just the norm like everyone does it and the expectations there whether it's from our parents or society and we're all given those messages like no one is immune to this. that we look for love. So I'm going to look for love. Like, I'm not feeling happy, but I'm going to find it. I'm going to find it in a job, a relationship, a certain weight my beauty or youth or whatever. And I think it's a really good idea. Like, Hey, I need something. I'm going to look for it. But I don't think that's correct because I think, well, from my experience, I have got the relationship. I've got a certain level of status or money or fitness or whatever. But the feeling didn't follow and I was like, what? I thought I would feel for sure like this was love or happiness or I'd be so proud of myself and I wasn't. And so I think that. We're looking to like fill up or like that someone's going to fill us, but we're not full or we're looking to be completed. I know it's a common phrase, quote unquote, but we're not complete on our own. So this search is this false idea because what we're looking for is not out there. But it's what we're taught. It's how we're trained. It's like a sales pit. Like, oh, it sounds so good. It has such appeal. Like it's got to be there somewhere. And I keep changing and searching and striving. And I think no wonder we're all so tired when the answer is right here. Like right here and for me that people might understand this or get this awareness way younger than I did, but I don't think I really got that until maybe 40. I think I spent a lot of my time blaming people that I wasn't happy and I outsourced my happiness. I was always looking for it until I realized, wait a second, I can't keep blaming people. Like I have a certain accountability for my life. And if I want to be happy and I want to find this love or be this love in myself, I have to do the work. I have to create that love. And that's probably where I'm at now. Some people, maybe they got there in their twenties and good for them. Like I'm genuinely happy for people that get it sooner. Cause I think, Oh, I didn't waste life, but I think I did search. I was a searcher.

Ashley: 9:44

I think I was a searcher too. And maybe it was our generation. of basically being sold that message a little bit harder. I think I'm very grateful for, say, the younger generation, because they are being given messages of that mindset of like, you do have all the answers, you can trust yourself. And I think trusting yourself can be really, really hard, especially You know, depending on like the nature and nurture versions of like what you grew up in and having that confidence to be like, I got this. I really do think in a lot of cases, it does come with having a fully formed cortex and getting over insecurities, which I think really does start happening in like late thirties, forties and beyond for some people that I think it's unfortunate that we have to. I don't know, get in our own ways and struggle and not be able to see it until we see it, but I really do think that with age and wisdom kind of comes to the point where it's like, I love myself and I got this and you just feel more, I don't know, confident in your abilities.

Lindsay: 10:47

Yeah. And maybe in that sense, The struggle is necessary. I mean, this is life. We know that there's hard things. There's hard days. There's hard seasons and I don't think I can have regret or say I wasted so much time because I learned maybe I learned what doesn't make Me happy or I learned, you know, someone's not gonna treat me well, but At least I know what healthy treatment is, and I can treat myself that way, or start, you know, surrounding myself with healthier people, so I think there's probably a lot of, gold in these lessons, it's just like any life lesson, I don't think they're easy, I think they're really hard, but I think we get Better, probably faster. And just more well balanced, well rounded, whole, smarter, like all that really good stuff.

Ashley: 11:31

It's like letting ourselves off the hook for when it feels hard to feel grateful for it being hard. Like when we're struggling with something, whether it ends up having good or bad. Going forward, it really is hard to look at it in the moment and be like, this is going to be awesome because it doesn't feel awesome.

Lindsay: 11:47

That is so true. Every so often I catch myself in moments of stress and now I can at least acknowledge it, which is really good and better than I used to be because I used to just deny it and Sort of punish myself for it or work harder, but now I catch it and it must have been on Instagram or something I've read, but it's like, you know, when it's hard, it means you're growing when it's hard, it's working when it's hard, something better is coming. I do try to instill those messages in myself because I think of course something good has come going to come of this because I'm putting in the time I'm putting in the effort. So I think hard is hard, but hard is also really good. And I think that. Mindset is very helpful because we can't expect life is always going to be easy or good and we're always going to be 100 percent in love or healthy or, kind to ourselves. But I think that it is the growing pains that is becoming something and I've just learned to trust in that process.

Ashley: 12:40

Which is really fair too. And I think it is having that mindset because I do think it's really easy to get caught up in the I guess I'm like in a victim mindset or like blaming other people and to some degree, we can't necessarily magically change every situation in the situation. But we do have possibilities we can, you know, end the bad relationship we can find a different job, we can save up and maybe move to a different place like we do still have options out there, but it's important to not feel like. Your struggle is all you're ever going to have and that you're stuck in that moment, even if that's how it feels at times,

Lindsay: 13:18

I think it's really hard to face, I would call those truths, like to finally come to the realization like wait, I am not happy. I am not healthy. I don't feel like I'm in charge here. It's just really uncomfortable. Like, it's very easy to be like, I'm just not going to think about it. I'm just going to keep my job. And I've often leaned on, I should be grateful. Like, this is a pretty good life. Who am I to complain about? And then I start comparing myself to people who are so much worse as a way to justify that I don't have to think about my hard thing. But I think I've just learned, like, it's okay to be uncomfortable. You don't have to think about it 24 7, like, you can think about it sometimes, but it's important to try to stand in that truth, to come to that realization, which you might be able to call also, like, surrender. You're just like, look, this is hard, and even when I said a few minutes ago, just being able to say, I am stressed, it's a bit of a relief, so you're not holding it. You're not trying to change it, or distort it, or deny it. You're just there. In the stress, or in the discomfort, and I think those truth moments are really hard, but from my experience, again, I've always come out of them relieved, thankful, maybe ready to change, ready to do something, definitely ready to accept, my part, and what's happening, and then you're kind of free, like you've let yourself off the hook, you're like, okay, this is it, here I go, you might be able to turn it into even something positive, like, once I'm in truth, and I'm free, then what am I going to do? The questions maybe like what now? What's next? Yeah, exactly. That can position us in a pretty strong place.

Ashley: 14:57

Well, I don't know about you, but it's like, what you're saying when you bottle it up or you try to avoid it, it doesn't actually make it go away. It's still there and it's still waiting to be acknowledged. But when you say like, Oh, I'm stressed, I'm sad, I'm mad. This sucks, whatever you're feeling, it almost takes like the pin out of the bubble, because then it's like, you are dealing with it, you are letting it go. And then you don't have to carry it anymore.

Lindsay: 15:23

Yeah. And the other place we go, I think is, this might be more true of women, but we go to a place of self blame. Like what did I do? It must be my fault. And if you just kind of follow a self blame journey, that might be that, you know, You say yes to everyone, like you let go of your boundaries, or you stop taking care of your health, or you just get so busy, or you're maybe just mean to yourself, like your self talk is really negative, or you continuously seek people who are not your people, they're not that good to you, and I feel like I try to catch myself now when I'm mean and punishing and cruel because that's the opposite of what self love is. It's like you're going in the wrong direction. So to kind of catch it is really great and to replace it like, wait a second, I'm overextending right now. I can't, I need some time for me or I've stopped doing the things that bring me joy. So I'm going to actually bring back joy or I think I've had it with these people or this person. Because They're not respecting me or I don't feel very good when I'm with them. So I'm going to fade away or I'm going to start looking for other people that really value me. And I think if we can catch that self blame spiral. And know that that's not true. No one deserves punishment and really I don't know, like depriving yourself of any love or any attention or any time or nurturing what we deserve is self love. That's what we're born into. So can we get back to that? I really love circles and I think of our journey in circles. Cause I don't think we can live without people sometimes I want to, but okay. So we have a world of people and we have to try to like navigate this one. Right. But I think of it ourselves in. As a series of three concentric circles. So that smallest circle, that's your circle. You own it. You can stand in it strong, proud. You feel your feelings, think your thoughts, dream your dreams. That is yours. You can come back there anytime. That is where you get your. Peace and your self love and your groundedness and you're also boundaried because it's a circle so you can decide who and what You want in your circle and out of your circle and I feel like speaking of fulfillment first I feel like you want to make sure that you're good you do whatever you need to do for me. It's the morning I really optimize mornings, but you take care of your needs like you might need to exercise You might need to meditate. You might need good foods. You might need just some quiet time Whatever you need to do. So when you go out in the world and now we're getting into the second circle in the series of three, then you're interacting with people from a stronger place. So I am loving myself and I'm caring for myself and I'm speaking nicely to myself. And so I probably have more to give other people, but I'm also probably much more stronger. In boundary setting where I can detect when there's some toxicity or some mistreatment because I'm good. I've done my work, right? I feel like it's in that order. So me first and then others. And then the final circle, which I think we probably get to too fast sometimes and we're not ready. The final circle is like seeing beyond ourselves, the bigger picture or the, like the me to me. So now we're looking like, how can I serve people? How can I give more? How can I be an inspiration for other people? But I think every day I think of it this way, like, me first, and then if I have some extra energy, others, and then if I'm like, things are going really good, I've set my boundaries, I've taken care of myself, now I'm thinking, like, Maybe there's an organization I can donate to. Maybe there's someone on the street that just needs me to stop and listen to them for a few minutes. Maybe I can start something, I have some creative energy and I think that's maybe my definition right now of self love. Like doing what I need to do. Being there for people, but also being there for me with people and then seeing that bigger circle when I can get there. I think a lot of us grow and it's like an outside in approach to love. So I'm just asking, who needs help? Does anyone need me? And people are asking me for favors and I'm just saying yes to everything. And then I realize, wow, my middle circle, my inner circle. It's empty. No wonder I'm feeling this way. No wonder I'm so tired. And I think it makes a lot of sense. So I really try to look at self love as like an inside out approach.

Ashley: 19:36

I love the fact that it makes it attainable. Like if we focus on ourselves first, if you're somebody who, again, like me in a sense that we'll set like three alarms in the morning and then you're forcing yourself to get up out of that third one. If you don't make time to have that quiet piece, maybe have a coffee, actually eat breakfast and prepare yourself to head out to the world. It's like, are you going to feel rushed? Are you going to feel grumpy in traffic? Are you going to set off? You know, somebody else that are like, Hey, this person honked at me or fingered me or whatever. Are you setting a series of negative events or are you setting yourself up to be like, I'm going to give myself 10 extra minutes on the highway so I can be as fast or as slow as I want to. I'm going to make sure I smile when I head into the office. I'm going to ask my coworkers, Hey, how's your day? But I also love the fact that it gives you grace that every day is almost like hitting a reset. If yesterday was bad if you didn't meet that goal that you would set yourself You have tomorrow like it doesn't have to be an all or nothing.

Lindsay: 20:37

I do like that So first of all, I like the idea. I think you're touching on is like this is all a choice And this is your accountability as a human. And I like to think of it as, how am I going to show up for the world? For people? Well, I have to like show up for me first. I have to do like a hundred things probably to be able to leave the front door. But I think you're saying like give ourselves grace because let's say I have a bad sleep or there's something on my mind. I'm not in the best mood. I don't have a good mindset. Like I still have to go to work. I still have to go get groceries. And I'm very aware. of how I'm going to be affecting people, probably not smiling, probably with some pretty not so great energy, right? But I can change it if I want, if I catch it and I can course correct, but I can also accept it that I'm just human and in my humanness, I don't have to show up for people. So I try to like limit my people time, but also I can come home and say, okay, that did not feel good, so what changes do I need to make? Tonight I'm going to try to have that better sleep. Or I'm going to deal with this conflict so I'm not carrying it into, I don't want to be the toxic person in relationships. I don't want to bring that energy, so I feel like that's just like, you know, there's no such thing as a perfect day. I think we do the best that we can, and there is a lot of that grace and flexibility, but I feel like everything is a learning experience. So I can come home today. I didn't have time for that volunteer work, but no kidding, because there was barely anything for me. So I'll set intentions at night for the next day and I just try again and it does start fresh. I don't believe there's carry over. So do it differently and see what happens.

Ashley: 22:11

Yeah, I think that that's one thing I really appreciate about this ebook too, is that it gives you like a concept, like the self love or self compassion, but it also gives you. Not like homework, but it gives you like work steps to actually figure out, how do I get to that? How do I understand that method?

Lindsay: 22:31

Yeah, that's something I think I really learned. This is like a function probably of my writing and thinking development, but I've learned to, of course I like to unpack an idea and I like to explain it and I like to make it make sense. But I think for me, I've always been Maybe I get to a point when I'm reading, I'm like, okay, so what, like, what do I do with all this? And so the e book does have quite a bit of bullet points, because I know everyone's busy and not everyone has time to digest, you know, a whole page of information, but it's like, what does self love even look like? Can we name five ways to love yourself? Like, maybe it's It's journaling or again, moving your body or just time. Maybe it's a bubble bath. Maybe it's, you know, writing out your to do's. Like, what does that look like for you? It probably looks different than it does for me and that's okay, but here's a whole bunch of ideas. Please pick something and see if that works for you. If it doesn't work, do something else. If that doesn't work, do something else. But I think it's supposed to be filled with ideas and you take what you want.

Ashley: 23:31

I love that it focuses on all of the aspects. Cause I think when we talk about self care, we talk about self love. It isn't a straight line or a streamlined process. It really is doing that work, doing that investigation to get kind of back to it. And then the more that we kind of go along that journey, then we can really go, okay, I can keep loving myself. This feeling can get stronger and we can find the joy in it. And I feel like that childlike joy and that wonder, and that energy. We do lose it at a point that we need to remember as adults that it's so important to still experience joy and create joy for ourselves. So I love the fact that this will give them the tools to be able to at least start down that journey.

Lindsay: 24:16

Thank you. I don't know about listeners, but I feel like I can get really stuck in the beginning. Like, why wasn't I loved? Why didn't someone show me that I was worth so much? Why was I ignored? Why were my needs not met? And I think there is Time and space for those feelings like I do think it's important to honor the past and I still have to work through some of these things because we're triggered in the present from what has happened in the past and we store a lot of what happened to us when we were little in our bodies, right? It's not really so I understand the necessity. I think it's necessary to go back, but I feel like we can get stuck. I don't like the word victimization. It sounds wrong, but. Just to tell ourselves, like, you know, poor me, or like, why didn't I get love? Like, clearly I'm not worth anything. And I feel like I just wanted this book to be the shift, let's say, from yes, we can acknowledge that. And I unpack some of the reasons why it's hard for us to love ourselves. On a societal level and on a family level, but I think we need to, try to get to the present. How am I feeling now? Is there something I could do right now in this moment? What's the next best step? Like, that's a really great line, I think. And then look forward and be like, wait, what if I made this a practice? What if I committed to me first in the morning where I had five self love tips every day or I spent the weekends evaluating my self love practice or whatever it is you want to commit to. I think it's important that we move forward because we count reverse time. I would love to go back and tell my parents, Hey, this is what I needed. I was this kind of kid and maybe blame them a little like, why didn't you do this? It was what it was and they parented in the way that they knew how and they had a lot going on for themselves and it was a completely different generation of parenting and so how is that helpful. It's not really helpful it just makes me sad and very frustrated and probably a lot mad. And so I can acknowledge it enough where I think okay that's my truth like that is me accepting that this happened, but and I do like the, you know, the new movement let's say of reparenting ourselves. Okay, well, I'm a grown adult. What do I need, and can I give it to myself? I can. And then I feel good. And then I create energy. And then I want to keep doing it. And then it actually transfers to a lot of areas of life, right? So if you love yourself, and you're doing your self care practice, and you're being self compassionate, you're going to be different in your relationships. You're going to show up differently at work. You're going to have more energy or creativity or desire to help people. I feel like, again, it takes me back to those circles. It's in that order. And I think then it's like, okay, we're moving forward now. We can't do anything about the past. I don't like the phrase also like just let it go. Well, that's not very helpful because there's a lot that needs to be processed, but I would say, try to give it some time and space, but not all of your time and space.

Ashley: 27:11

Yeah, I agree with that. And I think it's, we almost have this all or nothing mindset. It's like either I let it all go or I'm stuck in it where it's like two things can be true. It's like you can be emotional about whether it's happy, sad, mad, whichever you're feeling about the past, but also be like, and now what, I can coexist with both feelings and trying to find that new normal of like, Finding love, finding peace.

Lindsay: 27:39

I agree. And this is like speaking to the point you made about extremes. I think that the way I've learned to look at healing now is it's micro healing. So it's every day I can read something or I can listen to a podcast and that makes me think about, my past or how I was raised and I can accept and I can let go a little bit, right. But something also could happen. Like someone yells at me or I don't have the best interaction with a person that reminds me of something from my past. So here we go. I'm healing. Something that really is connected to the past, not so much the present, but it feels like it's in the present and it's just like everything. I feel like we. Microheal every single day and sort of accept things as they come, we feel our feelings as we need to, and that's a better approach than like, okay, I'm going to do 10 years of therapy, figure the past out, then I'm going to start working on my happiness. It doesn't work that way. It's very organic, right? We have to sort of go with that flow, but I like the idea of like, no one doesn't have to be extreme. Just do a little every day and a little might be five minutes and that is just better than zero. It's better than stuffing it or. Denying.

Ashley: 28:43

I think that's exactly what you said, but it's like thinking about that happiness of, Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. Well, it's like, eventually that tomorrow isn't going to come, we don't want to keep putting off our happiness and putting off our peace for this, like quote unquote one day where it's like, we have to try to figure out, am I going to want to, Think about or be stuck feeling. Or that I don't love myself or that I'm not worthy or it's like, do I really want to be in this moment and create the life from this day forward and enjoy the time that I have finding that.

Lindsay: 29:17

It's true. I think that's another concept we're sold. Like happiness is big. Happiness is like the wedding, the big job, the degree and it's like happiness for me has actually been none of those things. It's been very little and very much out of my control. The moments that surprised me, the things that I could not have seen coming, the problems that just worked out or serendipitous moments. You can't plan for that stuff that just happens. And I think what has helped me is to really ground myself in gratitude, because I feel like if I focus on happiness, that's very much outside and may or may not happen. But what's in my control is this idea of gratitude, like every day. There's something I can be thankful for. That's sort of my first step. So I can be thankful for a good sleep. I can be thankful for someone's smile or kindness. I can be thankful that for me, I have my own business. So somebody's paid or the scheduling worked out or whatever it is. Like I am thankful. And from that place, I feel like the result is happiness. Yeah, for the happiness, right? But I agree with you. It's like happy now. And if you're not happy, that goes back to the responsibility being on you. Well, what do you need to do then? Can you make a change? Because I'm pretty sure we can. We have a lot of choices. Maybe it's just changing your mindset. Maybe it's taking a break, maybe it's booking something like a trip or planning something for the future that just starts to create like really good and excited energy. I feel like there's always something. I do believe that even in the darkest day I've been, well, here I am, at least I'm aware, at least I'm, you know, paying attention. I'm learning something. I think that grounding ourselves in gratitude has been very helpful for me.

Ashley: 30:59

Even thinking about our parents like these conversations never happened for their generation. They weren't told to be thinking about gratitude. They weren't really sold on mental health and if it was, it was so stigmified in such a negative way. That I feel like I am so grateful for this day and age where it's like, we have the tools to access books and eBooks, or there's companies like please notes that have meditation, sticky notes that you can put on your mirror. If you struggle with coming up with like mantras and things like that, there are talk therapies or lots of different therapies that now we do have those tools so accessible to us, but not saying like, You know, take them or you're awful, but it's like you really don't have the excuse to say I don't know where to start because there are so many different resources available now where I'm grateful that we have those.

Lindsay: 31:53

Yeah, me too. And I think my parents probably hate me because I'm constantly sending them books. This will help you understand me. I say, or this is probably like, you know, a good book on parenting. You should read it. I don't know if they read these books. I don't know what they think, but I'm kind of joking, but I think that I have learned that. You have to look at almost like a timeline and be like, well, let's look at the context of how we were raised. None of this existed. There was no internet. There was no information. We weren't learning so fast. We didn't have as many choices. So I can look at them in maybe a more compassionate way and say, look, there was four of us too. And it was like a pretty intense time I'd say for them, but they did the best that they could. And thankfully they're still around and we can have these conversations. They're both really open to talking about it, but you're right. We have not only resources, but we have free resources. There's a lot, you do not need to pay money for a therapist. I think it's great if you can, and it's great if you can pay. I pay for a lot of professional support, and I'm very thankful, and I know that's privilege. But I also know if I didn't have that, I know where the app is. I know where to go online. I know how to, you know, cultivate friendships where that can be my support circle. I feel like you're right. I am very thankful for what we have and that the dialogue is changing. The choices are expanding. There are so much for us. I don't, this might sound harsh, but I feel like there's no excuse for not growing. Yeah,

Ashley: 33:22

I agree. And thinking about our parents, like my parents are both gone, but we actually, my daughter and I live with my grandmother. So my daughter's great and it's healing slash kind of frustrating in some ways that Like my daughter will do something that maybe is not a good choice and my grandmother's like these things happen or she'll do it differently this time where when I was her age, I would have gotten a mad like a lecture, she would have been passive aggressive and through that decision in my face six. Months later or whatever that it is kind of like healing to be like, okay Well behaviors can change and just because they were this way for you Doesn't mean that that's who they are. at their core. Do you know what I mean that they can be different and it is sort of like my daughter and I literally laugh about it Because I'll be like if that were me, this is what she would have said to me But it's kind of also healing in a sense to see that she's not treating my daughter the same way. And it wouldn't have necessarily been like horrible treatment, but at the time felt like, oh, that's so harsh and whatever. But it's just, it's also taking the time to forgive those people and see it in the moment. Yeah.

Lindsay: 34:39

And I think you could be really explicitly angry with your grandma, or you could just say, you know what, she learned something. She's changed. It's different. All these years have passed. So she's not a mom anymore, like not an immediate mom, let's say, and she's grown. And I like how you said we laugh because I think that's something I'm learning. Gosh, do I take things seriously? And everything is like analyzed and picked apart and I try to make so much sense of it, but I'm not sure that that's loving and I'm not sure that that's helpful. I think sometimes it's really good just to have, you know, that step back experience or the perspective where you're like, you know what, that is kind of funny. I always think God's laughing at us because we try to control everything so carefully. And he's like or she, who knows? You have no idea what I have in store for you. So why don't you just enjoy your life? Like kick your feet up, relax, you know, be chill about it. And I think, yeah, I probably can take that message too. Like it is what it is. You accept some things, you change some things. We're all doing the best that we can. I know that. I just know when I disconnect from myself. When I'm not loving myself, when I'm not giving myself enough time, when my boundaries get a little bit blurred, I am not good to myself, but I'm not good to anyone. And so those are just reminders for me, like, wait, I think my first instinct is to blame people for not loving me more. And I'll go back to the beginning. And then my second instinct is like, wait, that's my job. Maybe I'm not loving myself enough. And I actually got this from Michelle Obama. I don't know if you read her book, Becoming. It was a while. Do you remember, I think it's at the end where she was saying she finally got Barack to go to couples therapy and she was so excited because she's like, Oh good, the therapist is going to see it's his fault that he is not doing enough to make me happy. And she was obviously shocked and surprised when the therapist was like, but Michelle, it's your job to make you happy. What are you going to do? Cause Barack actually makes himself happy. And I feel like that was a really good eye opening experience for me, oh right, if I'm happy first, if I love myself first. I can then love others wholeheartedly in a more genuine way, probably with a lot more acceptance and self compassion because I think I can be really judgy when I'm judging myself, when I'm disconnected from myself. And so I just remember, I don't remember much of the rest of the book, but when I read that, I was like, that is good. Be happy, do what makes you happy and you're not outsourcing the happiness. You're not putting that on someone else. You're not complaining that they're not doing enough to meet your needs. That's your job now.

Ashley: 37:20

I 100 percent agree with that because it really is. When you feel more at peace with yourself, then if somebody says something snarky to you, it is easier to let it roll off your shoulder. You don't carry that in the same way as when you're like. Telling yourself that you suck all the time or you're being so mean to yourself and then somebody else does something and you're like, yep We deserve this and then you just project it more So it really is once you focus on yourself And I feel like this is why these conversations are so important because it's like we need to be reminded It's okay to think about yourself. It's okay to put yourself first It's okay to focus on what makes you happy that it doesn't have to always be giving giving giving And I think that it is that accountability that we can't make somebody make us feel a certain way. You can have a great spouse. You can have a loving family. But if you don't feel it within yourself, you're not going to be able to accept that love. And so you're always going to be spending the energy looking for something. And that can be a really lonely, harsh place.

Lindsay: 38:25

So true. But I think also if you're looking for someone, it's like You're not spending the time investing in yourself. So what do you have to offer that person? So now you're sort of, I don't want to say needy, but maybe a bit more dependent than you need to be. We have come to believe that self love, self care is selfish. I'm not sure if people would still say this, maybe self indulgent sometimes, maybe a little narcissistic even, but I don't think any, I for sure, I'm not saying. Love yourself first and love yourself only because I talked about three circles. I did say, you know, we have a center circle and I did joke that I don't enjoy all people all the time.

Ashley: 39:07

I think that's fair. I don't think we have to enjoy all people all the time. Right.

Lindsay: 39:11

And sometimes it's hard. Maybe I'm a sensitive to people. I don't know, but I feel like I never, I never say that. I don't say love yourself first. And then that's the stop point. It's actually very organic. But what I will always say is love yourself first, before you love others, before you do the big projects and, find your passion, purpose, make a difference in the world, all that really beautiful stuff. But I'm always kind of preaching the order. We have to get the order right, or we're just pleasing people, serving people, becoming who they want us to be, and then we're empty, we've disconnected from our true selves, that's not going to last. Our mental health will struggle, we will be tired, we might be bitter and resentful, that's not good. So I think the health position is like that inside out like me first, and then, we get bigger and bigger as we grow and as we go but. It's not selfish at all, if anyone feels that, I hope that they have been convinced otherwise.

Ashley: 40:08

Yes, I hope so too. And one thing that I do just want to mention that Lindsay has been very gracious, and she's making this ebook free for all of the listeners for April. The link for it will be in the show notes, but I just wanted to say thank you for that.

Lindsay: 40:26

Oh my gosh it is my pleasure. I love creating. It's probably what makes me happy. I think that it's a form of self love and I love designing and I love just putting ideas out there, especially ones I've grappled with because I feel like, if I've struggled I'm sure it's going to help someone else through their struggle too.

Ashley: 40:42

I think that's a really important thing. We don't have to feel alone or ashamed or embarrassed in our struggle. And the more that we say, this was something that I did struggle with this, this was something hard for me. I feel like it also allows other people to be like, yeah, that was hard. And that we don't have to have that individual like shame or pain with it, because it's like, we all are human. There are going to be things that are hard. There are going to be things that we just don't excel at. And it's like just accepting that that's okay. And being Open and honest with people. I think can have such a ripple effect that not only does it help me, but it helps them and then it can help people on a broader scale. And you definitely do that with your the work that you do with the girls. Well, the girls and boys, right?

Lindsay: 41:26

Girls and boys and women. I think also I've learned a lot about shame. And I think one of the things that has helped with shame and not feeling it is just to talk, like you said, and share stories. And when you get someone that either understands it and shows empathy or can really say, yeah, me too. Like, I get it. I've been there. Well, then we're not ashamed because we've just normalized the human experience, which everyone goes through all these things. The worst thing you can think of yourself or what you've done, somebody else has done it first. We are not that special an individual. And I feel like just hearing that, I mean, I just think it takes a lot of courage, but when I hear people tell their stories right away, it's like, I love that I feel closer to them. I feel like I'm jumping into vulnerability and I think, thank goodness, like I am not alone in this and we have each other. That's the point of community. That's great. I

Ashley: 42:17

think that that community part is so important and it's like just being real with people and I always appreciate. Like, if you check in with people, it's like, I don't want to surface answer. I really want to know, like, if I say, Hey, how's it going? Or, Hey, you know, what's your week looking like? I think so much of the time we want to be like, Oh, it's fine. How's yours? And it's like, you could be masking or bottling so much up between that, that I think it's just important to, that we be real with each other. And you like build that connection. You build that truth and honesty with people so that you don't have to feel like you're hiding within yourself.

Lindsay: 42:52

We can maybe end with another Starbucks story, because this just happened, but I went to Starbucks in the week, this must have been the afternoon, and the barista met me, very friendly guy, and he said, how's your day so far? And I paused for just a second, but he was very friendly and smiley, and I think he asked, and I said, actually, So see you It's been really bad and I think I probably was smiling because I have learned to be like, you know, I'm good or smile and like pretend everything's fine, but I said, not good. And he, I said, Oh, you asked, I should probably shouldn't be answered that way. And he's like, no, I asked because I really do want to know. And he took a few minutes and he let me. You know, I unpacked a little of it at least and he was just a bit genuinely caring, genuinely understanding. And I really thanked him because I think most people are superficial. I don't like it either. I do very poorly with chitchat or talking about the weather or something. I just don't really care about. Like, I want to know, like, like, how are you feeling? What's on your mind? What's stressing you out? I know it's Starbucks and there's like social appropriateness, but I really appreciated that he asked and that I took that step into, talking. And it turned into like a bit of a funny story. Cause all the other baristas were like, Oh, we asked that question once. And the lady said, I just got divorced. And then the other person said, I just lost my job. And I'm like, you guys, you have to be careful, like ask the question, but maybe be ready to give them a free drink or something that makes them feel better. And they were like, Oh, All the people liked it though because they said they felt better that they could share stuff with us. I thought, that's so great. I'm glad I said it. I mean, it did help me and the day did get better, but yeah, it was interesting that I clearly don't like to keep it super superficial.

Ashley: 44:35

No. And I think that's so important. And I do hope that some of those people did get a free drink.

Lindsay: 44:41

I think they said they did. And I was like, Oh, good. That's a risky question, but Hey.

Ashley: 44:47

But again, I think working with the general public, it's like you are taught, you know, expect the unexpected. And so hopefully that they would kind of be used to handling both sides. So

Lindsay: 44:58

I feel like they've been trained in this. Every time I go in, they want to know more and I actually like, okay, cheap therapy. I just paid.

Ashley: 45:07

Exactly. Lindsay, thank you so much for having this conversation with me today. Thank you, Ashley. I really enjoyed it. Can you let everybody know if they are looking for you online where they can find you?

Lindsay: 45:20

Yes, they can go to my website, which is lindsaysealy. com, and they can find me on Instagram, which is at bold new girls.

Ashley: 45:30

Awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you.

45:35

Thank you so much for joining us today for this episode of the filled up cup podcast. Don't forget to hit subscribe and leave a review. If you like what you hear, you can also connect with us at filledupcup.com Thanks again for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.