What does it take to successfully motivate children, whether in a therapy session or day-to-day parenting? Imagine if you could seamlessly infuse your goals into the time spent with a child while establishing a deep bond built on trust, respect, and genuine care. In our discussion, we draw from our 25 years of experience as pediatric speech-language pathologists to reveal the crucial elements in achieving this.
To build a strong relationship with a child, trust and respect are non-negotiable. We delve into the qualities that can foster these including confidence, understanding authority, and maintaining emotional stability. More importantly, we examine the significance of recognizing a child's limits and not pressuring them beyond their capacity. This approach sets the stage for a healthy team dynamic that fosters not only respect and trust but a bond that inspires children to reach for more.
We also explore strategies to make the interactions with children more fun and engaging. Creating a comfortable environment and demonstrating genuine care about their success are pivotal. Matching a child's energy and participating in activities with them can bring about a remarkable change in their responses. Whether you're a therapist, parent, or someone who interacts with children regularly, these insights could be your game-changer in building positive and effective relationships with kids.
Also, if you haven't done so already, follow our podcast! You will be the first to know when new episodes release. We would also love for you to leave a review and rate our show. The Speech Source appreciates your feedback and support! Follow here!
What does it take to successfully motivate children, whether in a therapy session or day-to-day parenting? Imagine if you could seamlessly infuse your goals into the time spent with a child while establishing a deep bond built on trust, respect, and genuine care. In our discussion, we draw from our 25 years of experience as pediatric speech-language pathologists to reveal the crucial elements in achieving this.
To build a strong relationship with a child, trust and respect are non-negotiable. We delve into the qualities that can foster these including confidence, understanding authority, and maintaining emotional stability. More importantly, we examine the significance of recognizing a child's limits and not pressuring them beyond their capacity. This approach sets the stage for a healthy team dynamic that fosters not only respect and trust but a bond that inspires children to reach for more.
We also explore strategies to make the interactions with children more fun and engaging. Creating a comfortable environment and demonstrating genuine care about their success are pivotal. Matching a child's energy and participating in activities with them can bring about a remarkable change in their responses. Whether you're a therapist, parent, or someone who interacts with children regularly, these insights could be your game-changer in building positive and effective relationships with kids.
Also, if you haven't done so already, follow our podcast! You will be the first to know when new episodes release. We would also love for you to leave a review and rate our show. The Speech Source appreciates your feedback and support! Follow here!
This isn't a board meeting. I don't walk in in a speech therapy room and here's my agenda. Okay, we're going to walk through all the different steps. That would be horrible and we wouldn't get anything done. But if you approach a session with a child or your child as someone that you're delighting in, that you're going to infuse your goals and your time together, then you're going to make tremendous progress. Welcome to the Speech Source Podcast. My name is Mary Brazeek and I'm Kim Dillon.
Speaker 2:
We are two pediatric speech language pathologists with a combined 25 years of experience.
Speaker 1:
We are your source for speech, language, feeding, play and much more in between. Welcome to the Speech Source Podcast. Today, kim and I are going to talk through a topic that Kim and I have talked about a lot casually as we talk about the kids that we see, but it's how to motivate kids. Ultimately, our main goal is that we want to achieve an outcome. We want kids to be successful and we want to teach them these skills and we want to build their language or their feeding, or their attention or play you name it.
Speaker 1:
We always have a goal as speech pathologists when we're working with kids, but one of the things that you have to just figure out along the way is how do you motivate a child to do what you want them to do? Because if you are a parent, you know that that is a very difficult idea. What works for maybe your firstborn does not work for your secondborn. Even if it works that day, it might not work the day after that. It's this constant reassessment of what is it that is going to motivate this child and how do I connect with them, how do I build, ultimately, a relationship with the child to where we're working together.
Speaker 2:
Kim, what are your initial thoughts on this topic, what we're going to talk about today, I think, it's so important because if you can figure out how to connect and motivate a child, that's going to deal with so many behaviors that are going to be extinguished because you are connecting. It's almost like thinking about it as a positive reinforcer. When you are connecting and reinforcing a child in the right way, you're not going to have some of the behaviors that might come when they're not feeling like you're connecting with them or you're not providing what they need or what they like or what they want. I think it's so important. Sometimes that's really hard to do in therapy because you have such a limited time with a child. When they come in, you're right we have these goals and we want to get to these goals, but there's so much you have to do first in order to be successful in getting to the goals.
Speaker 1:
What we did is we wrote out just a few bullet points that are taught. For what are those intangible things that really are our first goals before we can get to our more academic or learning goals? We thought we'd talk through them today. I think they're really applicable if you are a therapist, but also if you're a parent, because really it is how to work with kids 101.
Speaker 1:
Truly the number one thing that you have to do if you want to work with kids successfully is they have to like you. If kids don't like being around you, you are dead in the water. You are never, ever going to achieve all of your goals. The first step is just A being an enjoyable person to be around. But then also liking you is a big idea in and of itself. The people that I like I want to be friends with. I like spending time with them. The people that I like are typically happy. They're typically at the right energy level for me. The people that I gravitate towards are not over-the-top energy people, because I'm not necessarily like that With your child. You have to assess their energy level. If you can match their energy level, then there's this instant likability quality.
Speaker 2:
Right, and I think the child has to feel like you're wanting to like them.
Speaker 2:
Also that is one thing that a child can pick up on so quickly is if you already have a certain disposition towards a child, they're going to feel that and so you have to make sure that they know that you enjoy being around them, you want to be around them, you want to interact with them and you care about them.
Speaker 2:
They feel that and they're going to respond a certain way. I mean, even with my own kids, they've had experiences where they know that a teacher doesn't like them and there's an immediate shutdown there for a child and they can pick up on that and it's like I am not going to try because my teacher doesn't even like me and that might not be accurate, but they're getting that feeling for some reason. As a therapist, I think that's really important to make sure the child feels that from us, that we're excited that they're there, we care about what's going on with them and their day, and they're going to respond to that. And then as a parent, I think that falls more into the interest in their days and their activities and their school and I don't think that parents are ever purposely trying to put off the vibe that they don't love or like their child, but just understanding that kids do respond to that.
Speaker 1:
Definitely, and you're right, kim kids want to be delighted in. They want to see your joy, they want to see that they are delighted in for who they are. And so if you are going to connect with them, it has to be genuine, because kids will really see right through it. And, frankly, when I am frustrated with my kids, I am not as effective as a parent. They can sense that. They know that I'm already at that level, but if I have this bigger picture in mind, if I'm able to correct in a way that keeps the bigger picture in mind, they understand and respond to that so much better.
Speaker 1:
I was talking to my mom about this actually this past weekend, and she was saying you have to have hope with parenting. We have hope and we can see the big picture and we hope that they're going to get past whatever issue they're having at the time or whatever they're struggling with. And kids have such a hard time because they're so in the moment and they need us to be that constant, stable person that delights in them despite the factor because of the fact that they're struggling.
Speaker 2:
So the second thing that kids have to do is they have to respect you, because I think sometimes people think, well, if I want a child to like me, I'm not going to set any boundaries, I'm not going to set any rules because I want them to be happy. And that's not really how that works as a therapist, when you're trying to work with a kid, or as a parent. And so let's talk about that idea for just a minute. Mary, how do you see that differently than just wanting a child to like you? How are you going to get them to enjoy you and like you, but still establish that respect?
Speaker 1:
That's a really good question. Respect is so key because, you're right, we've all been around those people where if you push back or if you challenge something, then the wall falls down. And to kids, that is safety. They have to know where the boundary is. They have to know that at the end of the day, you're not just in it for the good times and something might happen, but you are going to protect them. So maybe that is in a safety way of no, I'm not going to let you do this, because I know that this is going to hurt you.
Speaker 1:
Is that idea that, as a parent, I know some things that are best for you, even if you can't see it. But I'm here to have a firm boundary, but we're going to have fun along the way. So one of the things we do this a lot with is in feeding and in speech and language is it's very important that a child is able to sit and attend to something for a period of time. And it's not that we're trying to make this arbitrary rule or that we just think, oh, in general, it's best if no, no, it's because we know that we have so much to teach you. But if you're not able to quiet your body so that you can listen to what we have to do and what we want to work on together. Nobody will be happy. No one will be able to achieve those goals. So it's very important the boundaries that we set.
Speaker 1:
I think, on the other side of that, kids respect you at the end because, even though they may be upset initially, that they are sitting down instead of running around in circles like crazy, once you're able to get them engaged and playing, they're like oh okay, wait a minute, this is great. This is, she knew something like this. This is cool. This isn't the mean thing that they're having me do is sit when I want to run. If you are able to make boundaries and work with a child to enforce them, then you really have a partner and that's key.
Speaker 2:
Right and I think that's what's so important, especially as a therapist, when you're first getting to know a child is establishing that rapport with them and just playing and figuring out what they like and what motivates them, because then, when they do need to sit down and work or attend, you can incorporate those things that are rewarding and motivating to them into that and as soon as they see that this is going to be fun and you're all working towards this goal, they understand that, okay, this is worth doing. She likes me. We have a goal and that is that respect piece. I'm not needing them to say yes, ma'am, when you're right away.
Speaker 2:
I want them to see that, oh, she cares about me. We're working towards this thing, I'm in and, just like you said, mary, it's like a team approach, especially as you have kids that are getting older and you're figuring out the teen years. It's that constant phrase. I'm not doing this to be mean. I am doing this with you because together we're wanting you to get here to this point and that's really hard to explain. But again, if they know that you love them and you care about them and you have this ultimate goal together, hopefully they can start seeing that's what you're working for and if they believe that, then they are going to have that respect as far as wanting to work with you.
Speaker 1:
I wrote down just a little short list for myself because I thought, okay, well, if we want them to respect us, then what are some other qualities that we want to embody and have in ourselves as a person and as a professional, to where we're worthy of their respect? And so my short list here. I wrote down five things. I respect people who are confident. I respect people who are capable, and that means your skill set. If you don't know what you're talking about, I'm not going to respect that, and kids won't either. They will very quickly see hold on. They don't know what they're doing, they don't know how to handle me and walk all over you. So that's a big part of respect is capability and your skill set.
Speaker 1:
I respect people who understand authority, and by that I mean that there's this level of interpersonal respect with older people, or with parents or teachers, doctors. There are people in positions of authority where we do need to recognize our place as more of a listener and a follower in some scenarios. I respect people who are self-assured, that they know who they are and that they're I guess that goes along with confident too but that they are not looking for any kind of validation from somebody else. And then, lastly, I respect people who are emotionally stable, that whenever really bad things happen or unexpected things, that I can count on that person to be a constant and that I can count on that person to be reliable and respond reliably. So I think all of those things are qualities that we, as parents or professionals, are always working on. Ourselves is to really walk the walk there and be that kind of person so that we are worthy of respect of a child, and we're trying to get those qualities in them as well.
Speaker 2:
Right, and that's sometimes hard to do. I'm better sometimes at that as a therapist than a parent, because it is hard. Okay, I need to keep my emotions and check here and not respond at their level. I mean, that's a constant learning curve for me, but it's so true. That's how they feel safe and that is how they're going to look at you as someone that they respect and trust, which that leads us into our third, which is kids need to trust you as a therapist and, obviously, as a parent.
Speaker 1:
When I thought about trust, the biggest thing that came to mind is for kids to trust you. That means they have to know that you understand their limits. When I'm doing therapy with a kid, with feeding for example, I say my rules right off the bat, where I'm saying, hey, I'm just going to let you know I respect you and I respect your ability to say no, I'm not going to try that, and that's fine. And so I say I want you to trust me. I'm not going to pressure you to eat something. And then I say I want you to know that I'm here to work with you and we're going to explore these together in a way that is comfortable for you, because that is my number one priority is for you to be comfortable, and I can help you figure out this food together.
Speaker 1:
But you're not going to be able to do your best if you're worried that I'm going to push you beyond your abilities and push you beyond what you're able to do, and that can change one day. Maybe they're feeling really bold and they're able to try new food. Another day, something happened at school, whatever it is, emotionally, they're not able to do that. So I feel like, as a therapist, you're constantly assessing those first five minutes of them walking the room, you're seeing how their day is. You're really assessing, okay, what's our capability level today and how can I match that and push them a little bit in a way that's within their abilities for the day and that builds trust, because they're like okay, you get me, you get what I can do and you're not going to push me beyond my limits.
Speaker 2:
And that's huge, especially in feeding therapy, because there's a reason that it's scary and it's hard for them, and so for them to take that step, to move forward, even the little ones, they have to trust you, and so I think that's huge. And then for other types of therapy I'm thinking about in my sessions if I say we're going to do this five times and then we go on to do it 10 times, it might not seem like a big deal, but doing that over and over again, five is not going to mean anything to them. When I say that, or if I say one more, try, let's try one more time, and they do it, and then I'm like, okay, one more time, over and over again. These all tie very closely together because that goes back to the respect piece. Okay, she is not doing what she's telling me that she's going to do.
Speaker 2:
I don't trust that, and then also that respect for me is going to change, and so I think it's just really important. I know that these are kids that we're working with, but we're also teaching them and we're modeling for them what these things mean. When I say something, I'm going to act on that and I'm going to hold myself to what I just said, then you can expect the same thing from them. As long as we're modeling that for them, that is just really important, that if you tell them something you stick to that, and as a parent too so easy to say as a therapist and then it gets a little bit more muddled in the parent field.
Speaker 1:
I know we need to have a poll on how many minutes is your? Just two more minutes. It's so important. Like you said, day true to your word and kids will respect and trust you if you're honest with them. Honesty also means no manipulation, and that's huge. Is that you can't? I say it time and time again I am not going to trick you. I'm going to tell you exactly what we're trying. I'm going to tell you exactly about the food, and so when you're working with the kid and this could be parents too if you present a new food to them, I am never going to lie and say that it's oh it's just, you know, it's just so, whatever, and come up with some frilly thing to say, I will be honest.
Speaker 1:
You might say, yeah, this is a green food and it kind of looks like a tree, doesn't it? It's really important that you're honest, that you don't hide things in the quesadilla. You don't want them to have their trust broken and have to recover from that. That is way, way harder than just saying upfront. You know what I made? A fun quesadilla today, see what you think, and so right off the bat, they have in their mind that there is a change. But you really have to give kids a heads up whenever there is a change and that will build trust. Kids love expected things and so if you're going to be unexpected, then say that Something happens. You're like, wow, that was unexpected, right.
Speaker 2:
What do we?
Speaker 1:
think.
Speaker 2:
And I think that comes a lot with transitions, with kids, transitions going and coming and who they're interacting with, being able to tell them and talk to them and say, hey, this is what's going to happen, I'll be back.
Speaker 1:
The fourth and the last thing that you really have to do if you want to motivate kids is you have to make their time worthwhile because you could be a really fun person and they like you and they respect you. But if ultimately they feel like you're great. But hey, my friends are all playing soccer right now.
Speaker 1:
So, you're not going to be as productive.
Speaker 1:
Especially at the older years, this plays a big role.
Speaker 1:
I'm the most successful with kids and feeding therapy, for example, who are older, when I bring them in and say okay, what's the goal here, why are we even working on foods Because it seems like you're okay eating mac and cheese and chicken nuggets is that they have to understand why there's a need to change their behavior, and so a lot of that, for feeding at least, is talking through. You know what. Wouldn't it be nice if, when you guys went as a team and got Mexican food, if you could order something with them off the menu? Or would it be nice if, when you were at your friend's house and they all ordered pizza, if you could have some too and not have to pick off all the toppings? And so I think that, especially as they get older, kids really do have to see that there's a success story happening with you. They don't necessarily have to know all the things about it, but I think that if they can see I'm having these better skills by being together, then there's so much more willing to work with you as well.
Speaker 2:
I noticed that last year one of my kids sees a counselor and it was an afterschool appointment. But there was an opportunity that came up at the school for an afterschool activity I think it was Legos but it was happening on the same day that he had the counseling session. So I gave him the option. I said would you rather take a break and we will do this afterschool activity or do you want to keep your session? And he chose the session. And I thought that was huge because he couldn't tell me why. He'll say, oh, we just play games and we talk. But that was just very eye-opening to me because she has that connection with him. He chose that time with her. So again, he likes her, he trusts her, he respects her and her time is invaluable to him. She has all those things and so I think, as a therapist, specifically being able to create that with your kids, is huge.
Speaker 1:
I really want to recommend a book to everyone listening because it honestly has changed my life. It's the book how to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It is a very old book, very, very, very old, but, my gosh, the truths are true. They are very true to this day and I feel like I honestly changed as a therapist when I was really more in a leadership role at a company, as an entrepreneur. It has truly changed the way that I deal with people in general and especially with kids is.
Speaker 1:
Reading that book really helped me understand how to have this mindset of what are their needs and where are they emotionally or cognitively and how can you meet them and fill that need for them.
Speaker 1:
When we think about kids, they have a need for connection, they have a need for relationships and just that in and of itself, if you can make a great trust relationship with a child, then you can be so successful in whatever you're going to teach them.
Speaker 1:
I had an evaluation just this week and a mom asked me again this is a pretty common question, especially with feeding, but it's also common in speech therapy is for us to work with kids and parents are like wait, they did that for you. They worked for you. Oh my gosh, we're just really opening up and they tell you all about their pets and all about their favorite things and you're like, well, yeah, that's our job. This isn't a board meeting, I don't walk in and a speech therapy room and here's my agenda. Okay, we're going to walk through all the different steps. That would be horrible and we wouldn't get anything done. But if you approach a session with a child, or your child, as someone that you're delighting in, that you're going to infuse your goals and your time together, then you're going to make tremendous progress.
Speaker 2:
Right, you and I are not obviously psychologists or behavioral specialists, but we have seen over the years what works and how kids work in therapy and motivate and I feel way more comfortable talking about it in that setting versus directed towards parents.
Speaker 2:
But I will also say my husband has coached several soccer teams for our kids and I know that he can say along the way, when he has been able to connect with those kids and get on their level and learn about them, learn their names, learn what they like, it's just made for a much more successful team. And they listen to him and then they will respect him and they want to please him because they know he cares about him. And the same thing just with your kids friends, when you learn about them and you talk with them and interact with them. All of these things ring true to those relationships that you're going to have with other kids within their friend groups and other families. And then if you're a parent who does have a child in therapy, understanding how important this is with your child's therapist, making sure that they're connecting with your child sometimes they don't Change it up, if that's the case Change it up.
Speaker 2:
Yes, and that's not a bad thing to say, hey, let's, I want to try a different therapist, or their personalities just don't click, and that happens sometimes. That's going to happen, but understanding that if personalities aren't clicking, goals are not going to be achieved. That's a really important thing to remember. So change, don't waste time seeing if they're going to get connected.
Speaker 1:
It does take time, but not months and months, like a session or two, and Kim and I have been at this for a long time. We've both had very long-term patients as well, and sometimes what was so new and fun and innovative can kind of get stale for a little bit. Like any relationship, you have highs and lows, but sometimes, personality wise, you really click with the patient and you have this huge growth and then maybe they're in this different stage where they're ready for a new challenge or they're ready for a different take or a different approach on the same idea. So I also think that even if you have a great relationship with the provider, especially if you've been at it for a while and you're seeing a slump, I think it's okay to say you know what? Let's try to mix it up, why not?
Speaker 2:
I think that's a good idea. This is really a good discussion, mary. I think these things are so important and I think sometimes we don't realize how important they are when our focus is what's our goal and how do we get there. Let's get this going, let's get these goals met so we can be out of speech or go on to the next goal. But this is so foundational for kids to work for you and we say work and we're wanting to make it to where they don't know that they're working, but because they enjoy being with you. So these are really important things to talk about and make sure we're thinking about whenever we are working with kids.