Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell's book "The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively" is a great book for anyone who works with children. Love languages are not a foreign concept to most adults in relationships, but have you ever thought about your children having their own love languages? Knowing your child or patient's love language empowers you to better comprehend your child's unique needs, and respond in a way that fosters a deeper bond and accelerates their development. Not to mention provides so much of the answer to how to motivate, celebrate, or discipline in a way that is productive. We explore the profound impact of these love languages - physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service - on our relationship with our little ones.
As speech-language pathologists, we also discuss child therapy and how understanding a child’s love language is essential to creating and executing an effective therapy plan. a resource that can enhance your understanding of your child's needs. Let us know your thoughts and if you can identify the love languages of your own children!
Also, if you haven't done so already, follow our podcast! You will be the first to know when new episodes release. We would also love for you to leave a review and rate our show. The Speech Source appreciates your feedback and support! Follow here!
Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell's book "The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively" is a great book for anyone who works with children. Love languages are not a foreign concept to most adults in relationships, but have you ever thought about your children having their own love languages? Knowing your child or patient's love language empowers you to better comprehend your child's unique needs, and respond in a way that fosters a deeper bond and accelerates their development. Not to mention provides so much of the answer to how to motivate, celebrate, or discipline in a way that is productive. We explore the profound impact of these love languages - physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service - on our relationship with our little ones.
As speech-language pathologists, we also discuss child therapy and how understanding a child’s love language is essential to creating and executing an effective therapy plan. a resource that can enhance your understanding of your child's needs. Let us know your thoughts and if you can identify the love languages of your own children!
Also, if you haven't done so already, follow our podcast! You will be the first to know when new episodes release. We would also love for you to leave a review and rate our show. The Speech Source appreciates your feedback and support! Follow here!
Welcome to the Speech Source Podcast. My name is Mary Brazeek and I'm Kim Dillon.
Speaker 2:
We are two pediatric speech language pathologists with a combined 25 years of experience.
Speaker 1:
We are your source for speech, language, feeding, play and much more in between.
Speaker 2:
On today's episode, we are talking about a book, but this is more of a book for parents and therapists. It's one of my favorite books. I think there are probably a lot of people that are familiar with it, but I wanted to talk about why I feel like it's so important today. It's the five love languages of children. So they have the five love languages for adults, for relationships, but this is one specifically relationships with your kids. It's Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. In one of our episodes previously, we talked about things that motivate a child to connect with you, and this is just a really good follow up, I think, to that episode, because it talks about how to really get to know a kid and find what does motivate them, because, as we all know, all kids are so different and if you can figure out a way that a child really responds and what makes them tick, then you're going to be really successful at connecting with them. So, mary, are you familiar with the love language? I am.
Speaker 1:
I am. I'm familiar. I read this book gosh 15 years ago or something, but I'm not familiar at all with a kid's version.
Speaker 2:
So it's very interesting.
Speaker 2:
So I'm going to go through what the five love languages are. It's the same as the ones with adults. It's the same concept. So the five that they talk about is physical touch. So that's going to be your kiddos that just love to be hugged and the high fives and what I've seen too. These are also the kids that are going to respond more to some of the sensory input, the movement. They're just really seeking physical. And the second one is words of affirmation and these are your kids that really thrive on. Great job, that was so awesome. And then even especially with more specifics, I'm so proud of you for this, or you did so great with this. The third love language is quality time, and these are your kids that really seek that one-on-one time with you. If you're part of a big family, we actually have a child. That is quality time and we have a big family, and so he really responds well to one-on-one time with us or with a grandparent or with anybody. Really he loves that quality time. The fourth love language is gifts. These are your kids that want to work for a prize and these are your kids that have the Crazy Long Christmas gifts lists and they just love gifts.
Speaker 2:
The number five, blood language, is acts of service. And so these are kids that are gonna enjoy you practicing with them baseball or soccer or any kind of sports team, playing chess with them so that they can get better, teaching them how to do a card trick or something that's of their interest, Sitting down and just helping them pick out an outfit together, or we're gonna cook a meal together, so working with them towards a goal. To me, this is easier to explain as an adult because I'm acts of service. So when people do things for me, even at my house, if the kids are taking out the trash or my husband puts up the dishes, that is my love language. That's what I respond to is those acts of service. But you can see it early on, even with kids. And so, mary, as I go through these, are you able to think about what your kids are.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I've never thought of them in terms of love languages, but my daughter is. Acts of service, no question. I think of it as almost like quality time, but towards a shared goal or skill. Watching a show together, that's not what she craves as much as like baking together or she's the kid is okay, let's organize this together and let's come up with a system. Or let's find on YouTube that directive. Draw and do it together. She really loves to hone in on a skill, but together there's a purpose towards it.
Speaker 2:
It is because out of all our four kids they're all different and so that has really shaped the way that we try to respond to them and, I would say, discipline them too. But really, if you can connect with them on this level, it just decreases a lot of the need for discipline, I think, because you're really trying to get ahead of that and connect with them in the right way and see what they need. But what I love about this book is it goes through each one of the love languages to really help you understand it and help you figure out what your child is. But then at the end it gives great examples of if your child is this. Here are a few top things that they're gonna really like.
Speaker 2:
So like for my physical touch and I've really tried to incorporate this and I've seen a huge difference. It's just that when you're saying goodbye or you're saying good morning, like touching them or hugging them or making sure that you're giving them that physical touch, or just throughout the day rubbing their back, and it makes a huge difference. And when you can understand that about your child and be thinking about it throughout the day, is, how is this gonna make their day better? How is this gonna fill them up Because it really does when you can connect with them on what their love language is. It fills them up to help them respond better throughout their day, and so I love that. Each chapter gives you very specific ideas, and even it'll give you appropriate toys to help your child learn and grow, if they're this kind of learner. I love that because it just gives you really detailed information.
Speaker 1:
I love that. That's interesting, too, that there's a kids version, because really it applies to so many settings. We actually did this at our company a while back, and we even did our kind of corporate level languages of how do you feel like a valuable member of your team? Is it when your manager or the owner gives you a gift card? In terms of gifts, is that how you feel appreciated, or is it through quality time you get this? Meeting or going out to lunch with them? It was interesting that everyone really is different, and a company could start this thing where they're providing lunch for everybody and they're doing all these things when you've got a team of people who are like, yeah, but that's actually not what we need. We need you to tell us that we're doing a good job. We need the words from you. We need that validation. That's so interesting that I have never thought about it with my kids that they would be the exact same way. It's so true, though.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it really is. They have a whole chapter that helps you walk through figuring out what your kids are, and I think everybody, and kids included, have a little bit of everything.
Speaker 2:
But there's going to be something that stands out more that you can use as a tool to really connect and help them as they're developing. But one of the things that they use is it's called choices to help figure it out, and they do it at different ages. So, like at six, it would say, hey, would you rather wrestle or read a story together? And depending on what they choose wrestling, okay, they need that physical touch story together, they want that quality time. And then it talks about when you get older, for your birthday, would you rather go as a family and do this or do you want to have a big party with all these people and it just? You give them these choices and their answer helps you figure out what they need.
Speaker 2:
And it even goes into the teenage years, and what I've seen, and what this book shows too, is it changes as they grow. My oldest is GIFs. He's always been GIFs since he was little, and so the things that used to motivate him, like getting to go to Target and pick something out, I've seen shift into more what he gets as far as his time, or like our trust with him, what he's getting allowed to do with friends or how much time he's getting to do this. I've seen it shift in more of he's still wanting something from us, but he's wanting that freedom.
Speaker 1:
I guess you could say is what he's getting.
Speaker 2:
So it's just very interesting to see how different your kids can be.
Speaker 1:
That's true, and even as speech therapist too, it's funny because there is a little not controversy, but there's a little bit of different opinions on whether you should have a prize box.
Speaker 2:
Actually after a session.
Speaker 1:
I don't know why, but this is a topic that comes up a lot as therapists, because there's this interesting dilemma to say, ok, the goal is we should not have to get a prize to do what's expected of us right At some point. There's just, there's an expectation to work and do a good job and that's kind of part of your day. But then, on the other hand, there's also this yeah, but why do we do anything if there's not some kind of reward? And a lot of times what we're doing is speech therapists, like fine-tuning their S isn't inherently rewarding to them. So sometimes you have to add this layer on top, like a prize box. And it's interesting that some kids, the prize box is that's what's talked about at the dinner table every single night and their family, everybody, the whole family, knows about the prize box. It is the center of their world. And then other kids just forget about it half the time and they're like yeah, sticker, I'm good, we're good.
Speaker 2:
And I think you can break that down and this is probably I don't want to say soapbox, but this is my.
Speaker 2:
I feel so strongly about this as a speech therapist is to not put all your eggs in one basket. Understand that there are different ways to do therapy and that's why I think you should be so knowledgeable about different programs and different ideas and understand those and then get to know your child that you're doing therapy with and see what works for them. Because let's take your S, for example, depending on that child, if they're going to work really hard for an S, for a prize box, their gifts, if they're going to work really hard for you to be like awesome job, your S was so good, you kept it behind your teeth, their words of affirmation, that's what's going to motivate them. Or if you're going to, they're going to say a good S and you give like high fives or like a pat on the back. I feel like physical touch is really hard in the therapy setting, because you really don't want to be like super physical kids or make sure that the parent is fine with you, like tickling if that's what the kid likes, but you know what, though?
Speaker 1:
I actually have a good example of this, because my son is physical 100% and the therapist that he worked with for his speech used all physical activities with him. So instead of working on a sound and he's sitting down and trying to work hard, they did bowling, and so they do an S word after the bowling pin knocked down, or she would have him bear crawl or throw a ball into a hoop and that's how you get the S. But I think that might be that physical element of that's what's motivating to him. He's like, yeah, obstacle course, ninja course, let's do it. I'll do anything for this.
Speaker 2:
Yes, you're exactly right, you're sensory seekers. This is how you really need to change up therapy for them so that they want to work and be with you.
Speaker 2:
And then I think that the kids who crave that quality time, they're the ones that are going to be so excited about choosing a game to play with you or do a Lego build with you, so really understanding what your kid needs and shaping your therapy that way. And then there topic that's off as the if then sheets or we're working towards this goal. 100% agree, that's not great for every kid. I actually personally have a kid that thrives on that. He can read now. So we have a written out schedule for him. When he comes home, first I do these things my homework piano, basketball, whatever it is and then I get time on the iPad or a TV show or whatever it is. That's how he operates and I'm a lot like that too. That's secure for him and that's how he works.
Speaker 2:
I have another child that there's no way in the world Whatever it was at the end that he got is not worth what he has to be first. That's not working for him, and so we have to think of a different thing for him. So it's OK. I feel like if you know a kid well enough to know, ok, first we do this and then we do this. If it can't be incorporated together, or if that's what they like, use that. And so I really think it's important to understand every kid is going to need something different and to not say, no, I'm never going to use this for one kid or I'm going to use this for all my kids, because it doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that with your own kids and it doesn't work like that in therapy, and so being flexible is so important and really your acts of service kids.
Speaker 1:
I feel like those are the kids who want to play teacher and those are the kids who are like. Ok, now, let's get this stuff to animals. Now you're going to teach Steffi how to say your S or saying OK, now, when you go home, I want you to show mommy, daddy, grandpa, whatever. I want you to teach them how to say S, and so you empower them with this idea that they're going to go be the teacher at that point, or the doctor. There are those kids.
Speaker 1:
Doctor yes, yes, they're just the future health care professionals. The restaurant server what can I make?
Speaker 2:
you, let me take your order.
Speaker 2:
That's definitely true, and I think if you can understand kids a little bit in this concept whether it's your own kids or therapy kids it helps you figure out how to play with them and interact with them. Hey, are we going to go outside and swing and jump on the trampoline or are we going to sit here and play Candyland? It really helps you figure out the best way to interact with your kids and then you can work on things. I think the point I just want to make is that it is going to be different for every child and that's what every therapist really needs to understand is you have to understand the child first to figure out what method you're going to use in your therapy approach.
Speaker 2:
There's a whole chapter about how love language is a learning, and I think that's really important because it talks about that if you're not able to tap into that emotional piece of a child, that they can fall behind emotionally and then that can affect how they're learning. And so I love how it talks about that and breaks that down. And it's an easy read, it's not super long, it's broken down to where you can just do a chapter at a time. And then what I love about it and the reason I even thought about talking about it is because I think I had mentioned before I have a teenager and a preteen and so I was picking it up again to just be like, ok, I know my oldest is changing and what he needs and what he wants, and so I was going through it again and it's so great because after you read a chapter it does have a page that just it's like a cliff notes, so I could just go back to that cliff notes page and refresh on what I know and what I was thinking through.
Speaker 2:
So I love this book. I think it's a must read Even if you don't have kids and you're the therapist. I think it's a must read for you to be able to understand kids. And I'll also say I think it's really great for relationships. It 100% changes how I interact with my husband and him me, because we're very different in what our love languages are. And I'm not saying it's what you need to base your marriage on, but if you can understand little things about what a partner needs, it makes a huge difference, especially when relationships are so hard.
Speaker 1:
Definitely. And friendships too. Friendships are the same way as you have those friends who are just always the gift givers. We all know those people, and I have this one friend who comes to every event with this beautifully wrapped, just host this kind of gift. Oh I'm here and I'm going to give you this. That's just a really meaningful thing for them. I think in the main book it talks about how you show love and then also how you receive love best, because sometimes those can be a little bit different. But in general what they show out early is probably what they would like to receive.
Speaker 1:
Yes, yeah, one of the things I've been thinking about is how I approach therapy. You get out of grad school and you've got your lesson plan and you've got everything written out and you have, in your mind, already planned through exactly the activities and exactly how you're gonna be working on them. And then, by the time you are experienced and have done this a lot of times, you're like, hey, I'm gonna stock my room with these toys today. And then we're flexible, we make it work for every single kid, because every single child is not getting the same therapy session at all, but those same toys can be used for S or for attention, or for prepositions or pronouns. As therapists, no matter what your material is or your goal is, the personalization element is. The most important is to be able to reach them, connect with them, and no matter what your goal is, you're going to be able to achieve it.
Speaker 2:
Yes, I think you can use the same activities and the same toys with all five of those different language ideas. That's what I think makes a really good therapist is not the amount of things that you have or the different plans that you have, but really being able to understand and connect with a child and use whatever you have and make it successful, because that's also what we do as parents all day is.
Speaker 1:
If you can do that in your therapy room, it's a lot better reflection of home. When you have to work with what your day looks like. If you've got soccer and ballet or you've got school or you have a little window, you've got to make it work and figure out how to connect with your child and be working on the skills that they need to work on, however, that works for them.
Speaker 1:
So I want to end with one kind of funny anecdote here that I was just thinking of. So one of the things that we are working on as a family are social skills, because I really feel strongly that kids and not everyone feels this way, but I feel really strongly that you should be able to look at another person in the eyes and smile and greet them, and so this is something that we're working on as a family with my young ones is to just say hey. When someone says hi to you, you need to be able to look in the eye and say hi, mrs, so-and-so or hi, john. You need to be able to do that because that's part of being a friend and that makes you feel good, makes them feel good. So it's funny, because my daughter is super, will work for a skittle to do that.
Speaker 1:
Once I put a skittle on top of it, I was like done, I got 12 today. Mom, I'm saying hi to everybody. And then Nate, my second, is like the high fives. Let's do a super big high five and just boom, you got it dude. And he gets this skittle too. He's fine with that.
Speaker 1:
But really, if he could take or leave this skittle, he just like your son, he just wouldn't do it if he didn't want to, but if we do the big superman high fives. Yes, we'll work for that, because he's so physical, but I think it's just an example of anything that we would like for them to do or work on together. We need to match the motivation and the reward with what works for them. And it can't always be the same between siblings. It probably won't be.
Speaker 2:
And I think we see that as adults and how they respond. Everybody is working towards something but whatever that, when is in the end, that response is what motivates you to keep doing what you're doing, for whatever reason. And the book has a whole chapter about discipline and I don't wanna get into that but I feel like that is very helpful to read and understand kids and we've used it several times and just an example of that is my child that does like the quality time, so it's a lot of one-on-one card games and even if we can get the whole family involved doing games, he just loves that quality time. But when he was having issues with another sibling they were fighting.
Speaker 2:
I used that, had him teach her how to play a game and he thrived on that because one he was in control of doing it, but then he taught her how to be that connection for him and that's just been something that whenever I start seeing some friction, I can use that. Let's play a game, teach her how to do this, and that just diffuses sometimes where I knew that was going. Yeah, so it just has a lot of different examples of how you can use their love language in a way to diffuse that before it becomes a problem. So it's a great book. I really recommend it. It's such an easy read and we'll post a link to it in the podcast notes to find it, but you can find it anywhere.
Speaker 1:
Oh man, Kim, I'm gonna have to add this to my stack. I have about six books going right now.
Speaker 1:
There is just there is so many things, but I love that and I also really love books in this stage of life. The reason why I have so many going at once is because they're all books that I really wanna read a chapter and stop and think about and then come back. Hardly anyone has the time these days to just sit and read some book cover to cover, but I love the idea that you could also get a lot of useful tips from a few pages or a few chapters and put it into practice right away.
Speaker 2:
Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe to our podcast and check out our website thespeechsourcecom.
Speaker 1:
Also check us out on Instagram for more ideas on speech, language, feeding and play.