#33 Acne - Anger, shame and emotional pain

In this episode we explore the Root Cause of Acne.
In this beautiful and heartfelt conversation you will really hear the emotional pain our speaker felt in her upbringing.
The work we did in this session was profound and months later she gave me this feedback ....


" I think that the podcast on itself already brought a huge shift in awareness and like I said: all the puzzle pieces fell together. 

So in the months since then I felt more calmness in my body, more grounding, softness and fullfillness. I’ve accepted myself more and love myself more, I’ve stepped up as a woman. I’m not that little girl anymore and I embrace myself as a woman with all my feminine energy. I’m more in surrender mode and everything seems easier and is alright. I feel more confident, because I know where I stand and what I’m worthy. Also I’m less dependent on other people, things and situations. I set my boundaries for myself and follow my needs. 

This week I was happy with the reflection in the mirror for the first time again, because what I saw was what I mentioned in the podcast as my precious. It felt I had myself (and then I mean the outside part) back, so I felt whole. Through all the pain, all the hard times, with all the lessons that it had teached me. The inside and outside me match each other! 

I really want to thank you for the lovely conversation. I also feel excited to share it with the world, but I think it’s necessary."

Thank you for listening 
Tracey xxx

Thanks for listening, if you'd like more moments of insight like this you can find me on:

 Instagram @thehealingpoint._ 

YouTube  https://www.youtube.com/@thehealingpointuk
Or my website www.traceystevens.org

Inside you’ll find courses, and workshops as well as the Emotional Anatomy Library - with many unpublished podcasts,  all designed to help you understand the way the mind body connection.

https://www.rootcausepractice.com/

And if you'd like to have a podcast conversation with me please email me info@traceystevens.org I'd be happy to connect with you.

With Love
Tracey x

Credits: This podcast is edited by Rhiannon Walsh @AlignedElementsAcupuncture

Transcript

Tracey  0:00  
Welcome. My name is Tracey Stevens, and this is the healing point podcast

thanks so much for joining me today. What is it that you'd like to explore today?

Speaker 2  0:21  
I would like to explore the birth of acne. Okay, we are mostly in my face and on my upper chest and a little bit on the upper back. And I yeah, I have now for two and a half years, I think. And it's already a lot better, but it's not fully away yet.

Tracey  0:46  
Okay. Right. Well, thank you for bringing this because this will you know, I'm so this will speak to a lot of people. And so you're obviously you're an adult. But did you ever have this when you were a teenager puberty? Or is this just been just the last couple of years for you?

Speaker 2  1:04  
No, I didn't have it when I was in my teenage years. Because I was quite young when I started to hormonal contraceptives. Yeah, so I was at the end of my fourteens. And I stopped with it two and a half years ago. So when I quit the contraceptives, after three months, I think it was like outreaching. And for me it was reaching I, I see some pictures of other people. And it's much heavier than but you can imagine my face was always quite good. For me, my face was something I was proud of instead of the rest of my body. So it was really happy to have it in my face literally.

Tracey  2:00  
Yeah, okay. Well, there's something in that I think that you started taking hormone or contraceptives when you were about 14, and then and then you had the outbreak when you came off them more recently. So if you don't mind me asking, I'd be really interested to know why you went on them in the first place. Was it? Was it menstrual cycle issues, period problems for you?

Speaker 2  2:27  
Know, main reason was because I had a boyfriend at the time. So yeah, I want to be safe. And one time the we felt the condom was broken. So that I had an early say, morning after pill. So I didn't want to have it more often. So then I thought yeah, maybe it's a good time to start with that. Because I felt that that's the way to go.

Tracey  2:53  
Okay. Yeah. So you were sexually active then around that age, which is quite young. Yeah. Even that I find quite interesting in in terms of, like, forming relationships and, and making connections and

Unknown Speaker  3:11  
I think a good topic as well. Yeah.

Tracey  3:14  
Yeah, yeah. No, I think that is a good topic. But let's stick with the, with the acne right now, then. Do you have a theory for yourself? In terms of the acne? I mean, obviously, there's a hormone related issue there. Yeah, you know, with with you coming off the pill, but, you know, you know, my work and, you know, you've been, obviously, you know, reading my feed and that sort of thing. I just wondered if, if you had a theory or had any ideas to start with where it may where it may have started for you.

Speaker 2  3:48  
Yeah, it's quite a journey. In first place. I've really felt Oh, yeah, this this is because I stopped with hormonal contraceptives. And then I read a lot about the depletions of the minerals and the vitamins. So I also did in blood tests, the EMB, blue tests, and I went to an automotive the colour foods person. So I trace my diaries and all that stuff. But yeah, it's better now. But it's not a way. So So I looked a little bit deeper. I stopped using cosmetics and stuff. And then I got game on the point of my self image, because what I already said My face was my precious because I also had when I was 1314 13. I had anorexia. Okay. So yeah, my self image was not that good. And yeah, If you get it in your face, which is your most precious for me, it was like, okay, so this is what I need to feel to love me, anyway. Yes. And then I tried that, and I feel that it is. It's also true, but still, there's something. Yeah, it's not there yet.

Tracey  5:22  
Yeah. And that's really significant as well, that you had anorexia when you were younger. And it's around that 1314 time as well. Yeah. There sounds like at that time, there was something going on for you, where you were deeply unsettled. Inside. Yeah, when the acne started, a new SKU came off the pill and the acne started to appear in your face. What were your thoughts towards it? Yeah,

Speaker 2  5:54  
it was. It was really negative, of course, as was really painful. So it's really physically painful. But also mentally, because I felt Oh, I'm good now with myself. And I wasn't because Yeah.

Tracey  6:12  
I'm just wondering whether there's a relationship between what came up for you and your thoughts. My thought

Speaker 2  6:19  
was ugly. And we're fee. I wanted to hide and felt shame, I think, yeah. Also a little bit of disgusting. Yeah.

Tracey  6:31  
And was there a relationship between that and how you used to think about yourself in your early teens? Did they were those thoughts familiar to you?

Speaker 2  6:42  
Oh, that's a good question. I think mostly, there were a few parts. Yeah. Yeah, I was quite young as well with shaving my legs and stuff. And yeah, you say classmates made some not so nice. comments, comments? Yeah. Thank you. On when I was on Lower School, so the

Tracey  7:04  
Yes. The primary younger? Yeah,

Speaker 2  7:07  
they I had four or five years, where, which were really hard for me, because they all the time made. Not so nice. Comments, and they set me out. And yeah, it was them to me. And so I don't know the word in English, but I think you understand what it is.

Tracey  7:28  
Yeah. Sounds like bullying. It sounds like singling you out. Yeah. Something was happening inside of you, then. Yeah, that made like you said you felt unworthy or you felt shamed? Yeah. And would it be fair to say then that you started wanting to change your body? So you were more acceptable?

Speaker 2  7:51  
Yeah. Yeah. When I made the step from the primary school, to the second school, I wanted to change my hair, and I wanted to change my clothes. And I wanted to change my image. Yeah. And then it was like, I wanted to be accepted. And then I started to control my body without eating that much.

Tracey  8:17  
Yes. And so I mean, to sum that up, it sounds like the way my body is right now. Isn't accepted by other people. So I have to change myself in order to fit in and have friends and connect with people.

Speaker 2  8:34  
Yeah, and that's, that's a good thing, because you already said I was young age with my sexuality. When I had sex. I felt good about my body. It makes me emotional, but I didn't know what that is. Because it's the quietest strange.

Tracey  8:58  
It's not strange, and just let's just hold that for a moment. So because your body is speaking to you right now when you feel emotional. So can you just stay with the emotion for a moment? Then shut your eyes if you want to? Because there's a part of you in there that's feeling something right now.

Speaker 2  9:23  
Yeah, it's also shame I think. Yeah. Shame for only being where we then when I'm sexual active.

Tracey  9:36  
Yeah. It's only finding that love and connection when you are sexually active in that, in that space. You were able to receive Hmm, something that was was deep for you. Like a deep emotional connection.

Speaker 2  9:59  
Hmm. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That resonates. The receiving and that emotional availability or something? Yeah.

Tracey  10:14  
Yeah. And you know, just just a second ago when that emotion came up here, yo, still is still happening. Can you tell me what's happening in your body? You know, just physically what you're feeling right now? Physically what's happening?

Unknown Speaker  10:33  
Yeah, it's fringing.

Unknown Speaker  10:35  
Okay. Yeah. So there's a squeezing and

Speaker 2  10:38  
yes. Making me smaller or something.

Tracey  10:42  
Because it is it difficult for you to speak about

Speaker 2  10:46  
this part of the sexuality. You mean? Yeah. Yeah, I've Yeah. Because, yeah, I was wrong. And I loved it. And some people think things about it. And yeah,

Tracey  11:06  
yeah. So some people judge that. Yeah. So you feel judged by it. But there's something in it that you know, you were seeking something or you can you recognise that you had a need and you that, like a, like, an emptiness?

Speaker 2  11:25  
Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

Tracey Stevens  11:29  
And that connection, just was able to satisfy that longing in you, just for that short amount of time.

Speaker 2  11:42  
Yeah. There's my maybes was the only time I felt seen or some Yeah.

Tracey Stevens  11:48  
Yeah. Okay. And does that resonate for you in terms of your childhood? If that was the only time you were seeing?

Speaker 2  11:58  
Yeah, I can go deep in debt. It started for my, when I was born, my mother had a lot of complications with me breastfeeding, so she had a really hard time. And my father couldn't see or hear or feel anything about it. So he dropped me with my mother. And then he run away. And my mother was like, Yeah, I can't accept her and I have been with her. So yeah, I was just sort of hopeless, baby. And then I think everything after that was built on that. So yeah.

Tracey Stevens  12:41  
And just just take a breath right now because because this emotion that's coming up for you is really real. It's it's in the present, even though we're talking about the past. And are you feeling anything in your body right now as we're talking?

Speaker 2  12:59  
Yeah. Love tension around my my pelvic pelvis and my my hips, my butt? Yeah. Okay. Maybe Maybe my cervix as well.

Tracey Stevens  13:12  
Okay. So I'm just going to ask you just, you know, if you want to, it's entirely up to you if you feel safe enough just to shut your eyes and just to be with that tightness right now. Let's just be with it.

Speaker 1  13:32  
And just notice what happens. Notice what's happening in your body just in this moment.

Speaker 2  13:45  
It makes me really dense. Really? Quist. And it makes me I don't want to be here.

Unknown Speaker  14:02  
Yeah. Yes. You want to move and run away or?

Speaker 2  14:05  
Yeah, I love to go away. Not nuts here but on Earth. So yes, this feels like are can belong here or something?

Tracey Stevens  14:15  
Well, this is important because usually the coping mechanism is to avoid this feeling, this very feeling that you're feeling right now. And that's why it's quite hard. Just to sit with it and feel into it because it's painful. It's deep, deep pain. But there's a part of you there that is in deep pain. And she's still active inside of you, you know, you're feeling it now just when we're talking about the memory and the childhood. And it's all related to everything that's going on for you right now in the present. And so just allowing that feeling to be there, what you're doing is you're saying to that part of you, it's okay. I hear you, I hear you. I see you. And so that's why I'm just bringing you into your body. And just to have that conversation with this with this feeling that's inside of you

Unknown Speaker  15:25  
might feel a little bit more space. Yeah.

Tracey Stevens  15:28  
So as we're talking about even just talking about it, it's like giving you permission to feel.

Speaker 2  15:34  
Yeah. Yeah, there's like, a lot of puzzle pieces are getting into each other. Yeah.

Tracey Stevens  15:45  
So the more you can tune into that part of you that's in pain. Even though it feels so uncomfortable to do that. Then, the more you can get in touch with, you know, what's happening inside your body what those feelings are. Because the tears come up, there's there's sadness there.

Speaker 2  16:13  
Yeah. And anger. Anger. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe that's also the tension and the tiredness part, because I'm really, or.

Tracey  16:27  
Yeah, absolutely. And that's often the root of the acne as well, an internal anger that you've held on to. But it's deep. And it's old. It's really

Speaker 2  16:42  
new. Yeah. Now I remember I read somewhere, maybe on your page, or maybe somewhere else that's Agnese with anger, and no, I can relate to it. Because now we have made the connection between my 1314 and also the when I was born. And yeah, and I also feel there's a connection between I had problems with the breastfeeding and the anorexia part because it's both the feeling of not getting enough food.

Tracey  17:24  
And I would extend that idea of not getting enough food to not getting enough nurturing. Hmm, not getting enough love. Yeah. And it's all about that connection. How does that feel?

Speaker 2  17:44  
Really painful because now I think, yeah. How do I not fix it? But

Tracey  17:51  
how can you work with it? Right? Yeah. And that's always the that's always the next question. Yeah. Okay. I can recognise that there's anger in there. I can recognise their sadness. Yeah. How can I work with it? Okay. You just did work with it. Just really briefly. Because when you when you felt the emotion you felt also the pain in your body? Wood, Can you recognise that you have maybe adapted to pushing those feelings away?

Speaker 2  18:27  
Yeah, I was always busy and doing a lot of things to just be in motion and to not stand still and feel. So I worked a lot. I studied a lot. I did a lot of sports. And yeah, I was always around. So now I'm more in the stillness and with the feeling part. So yeah, I feel that all the things I've already done an were leading up to this conversation as well. Because now Yeah, it feels really on the right time or something.

Tracey  19:10  
Yeah, that's that's perfect. Timing. Isn't there a that with all of this healing path that we're on? Yeah. Yeah. So there's a few things that we can just look at. But I think if we just come back to the acne for a moment, yeah. Two and a half years ago, when you decided to come off the pill, you know, the hormonal contraceptive. Why do you think you made that decision?

Speaker 2  19:34  
Actually, yes, six years ago, I had a depression. And that was not so really a surprise because of my anorexia periods and stuff. But then later, I read something about depression and the hormonal contraceptive. So then I thought, oh, maybe there's a connection between it. So I switched from the Bill to the new voting, but then the rules are really changed between how I felt on the bill and how I felt on the new filing. So my livid, inevitable change, my interests changed, a lot of things changed. And that I felt okay, maybe it's better to get off the hormonal contraceptives. So then I read a lot about it. And yeah, now I'm helping other women with it as well. Wonderful. So because, yeah, I felt really felt insightful. Oh, my God, I didn't notice about myself, then I'm not alone. So I want to help other people. And I had a really tough journey, because I stopped cold turkey. And then it was like, bomb. I didn't know who I was without it's. Yeah, that was my part of that. So yeah, I started heart of heart lending was not in the I think it can be more softer.

Tracey  21:01  
Yeah. Okay. And so that sounds like you were just called to make a shift in your life. Yeah. You came off the pill. And then everything that you've been suppressing, darted to come up, you know, you felt different. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of things changed since then. Yeah. Yeah. Very interesting. You see, so that part of the journey and the Acme for me is like, now you weren't on the artificial hormones, your own hormones in their wave like action, and their cyclical action, were able to sort of bring up to the surface, things that you had been burying for a long time. Yeah. And so it feels, you know, felt uncomfortable. Yeah, it was a lot. Yeah, massive amount. So. So you went down the physical, on the physical journey. And now you're, you've you've shifted into the deeper emotional sort of journey as well,

Speaker 2  22:02  
you know, makes me get chicken skin. Because I also failed some thing about I get my first periods when I was 11. Also a little bit young. And I don't want to become a woman with all my body parts. Yes. Because I felt uncomfortable with it. And I'm feeling now debt is healing as well, that I now can really embrace all women parts. And yeah, because it's necessary for a healthy cycle healthy life, and later on per fertility.

Tracey  22:46  
Absolutely. Yeah. And that's a beautiful description, actually, you know, about getting ready to know yourself as a woman and not wanting to suppress that anymore.

Speaker 2  22:59  
No, and I feel that it's hard to because it's, it's also a collective load or something. I feel really heavy in my in my cervix

Tracey  23:11  
as well. Yeah. Well, there's a lot stored there, I always think of the pelvis is a bit like a bowl. And any women, you know, will hold their emotions all the way down there. Which is why we often have so many problems with our cycles and with our uterus and our ovulation and it gets out of balance. It's almost like it collects all the toxicity from past. But you're clearing that out. Now. There's something I want to say about like, acne is that it? It's almost like, if you think of heat, and heat rises. It's a bit like when you've got anger sitting in you from a long, long time ago. It's like it stews. If you know that word, it's like it cooks in your pelvis. It's moving. It's raging. It's boiling, boiling. Yes. And it comes up onto your face because the heat rises. But there's toxicity in there. Yeah, there's a lot of negative thoughts about yourself about other people about you know, there's there's often some bitterness, hmm, and so it rises up. And so we see it on the face quite often. But it's also connected with that, you know, you've already mentioned it shame. Shame is just bit about being isolated. But you were sort of isolated as a baby from your mom. There was that separation there. And then there was that separation. At school, when people would talk about you. Do you see the link? Yeah. And the key to working with this is to recognise that those parts of you are still active, like we said, so there's an there's an angry part of you Yeah, and that angry part. I don't know. Maybe we can just do it. Now if you were to sit if you were to think about your childhood and you think about that anger that sitting low down in, you know, writing your root chakra or your sacral chakra right between your hips around your cervix, at tightening. What age do you think the anger is?

Unknown Speaker  25:29  
Yeah, my first thing was just baby. Ah,

Tracey  25:32  
yeah. Yes, that's it. Perfect. So now you've got that image. So now, you have to reparent that baby. And this is this is the work really, this is the meditative work. Is is picture that child, that inner child. And there's a rage in babies, isn't it? Well, isn't there when the baby's not getting what she needs? And what do you think that she needs? As you look at her raging?

Speaker 2  26:09  
Yeah, the whole ordering tights, though. Funny, because I said I feel diagnosed. And maybe that's what I did for myself. Because I had and the tightness of someone else.

Tracey  26:24  
Yeah, this need to be held this need to feel safe in somebody's arms. And you can see the reflection there as well in your sexuality and your relationships. The need to feel safe and held. Yeah. So now comes the work in terms of doing that for yourself inwardly?

Speaker 2  26:50  
Yeah, I think about it. And yeah, I'm questioning well, how do I do that?

Tracey  26:58  
We can do a little bit of exercise if you want to. Oh, yes, please. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay, let's do it. And here, there's a pause in the recording, while we connect to the inner child and do some deep and profound personal work. It's inappropriate to put into the podcast, but connecting these hidden parts of ourselves is very powerful, and has the potential to be extremely healing. And we return after this segment. And being really curious, use curiosity, as a gift as a skill, rather than condemning yourself or looking badly at yourself. It's more like, why am I thinking that? What where is that thought come from? Is it mine? Actually? Do I really feel like that? Or is this a pattern of thought? That I have developed over years?

Speaker 2  28:00  
Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's really good to sit with it, and take the time for it instead of Yeah, going through with the things I do. Because then I don't come really, to it.

Tracey  28:19  
Yeah, and the sitting silently, which in a way happened in a big way in your life, you know, when you changed around that COVID time probably when you were separated, and then you changed. Your you changed, physically. Stop taking that pill, then things started to come up for you. And in the same way, sitting quietly, and stilling yourself and connecting with your body will bring up all sorts of things. And so as the thoughts arise, just working, just working with them in the way that we've been doing today. With curiosity.

Speaker 2  28:59  
Rice is a good word. Korea's Yeah, lost that as well. The curiosity, a little bit, the playfulness, the spontaneity. Yeah.

Speaker 1  29:12  
It's easily lost. Yes. in favour of these protective layers that come in. And journaling is another tool to use. free writing, just writing whatever, you know, whatever comes into your mind. Whatever thoughts just writing them down, no filter.

Speaker 2  29:30  
Yeah, I started it this year. I found it really hard to just go right. So then I had the word rhythm faults, and that helped me really,

Speaker 1  29:42  
you're on the path. It seems. It's all it's all going forward for you.

Unknown Speaker  29:48  
Yeah, I feel that too.

Speaker 1  29:50  
So just bringing it round. Now to us to the end. Do you feel like you've got the answers you were looking for and terms of connecting the dots for you? Your skin. Yeah,

Transcribed by https://otter.ai