068: Pick Up Your Wife /&/ Take a Knee ~ Time 4 Fitness

Modern life often leaves us feeling pulled in multiple directions by competing demands and confused by competing narratives. But fret not, because we're embarking on a profound exploration guided by Markus (Mr. Homemaker), a seasoned husband and father with insights drawn from his diverse background in the military, national security sector, and business management consulting.

Markus serves as our sage guide, drawing upon the wisdom of revered authorities such as Jocko Willink, acclaimed author of "Extreme Ownership," to illuminate the path towards optimal fatherhood fitness. Through his own personal journey and the teachings of Willink, Markus sheds light on the interconnected pillars of physical, mental, adaptive, and emotional fitness, each essential for navigating the complex landscape of fatherhood.

Drawing inspiration from renowned works such as "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman, Markus articulates the profound impact of physical exercise as the bedrock upon which all other forms of fitness are built. Indeed, the benefits are manifold, from enhanced cognitive function and improved mood to increased energy levels and reduced stress.

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Take the first step towards reclaiming control over your life. No more excuses, no more playing the victim. It's time to take charge and carve out the space you need for personal growth and fulfillment. Embark on your journey to a more purposeful and productive life - "Get to the chopper! Do it now!"

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Tune in to Fit 4 Fatherhood and join Markus on an odyssey to rediscover timeless wisdom, draw insightful connections, and put them into practice as men, husbands, and fathers today.

Episode 068 (5A1)

Chapters

• 0:00 Pick Up Your Wife
• 12:00 Take a Knee
• 16:30 Time 4 Fitness

Transcript

[00:00:00] To be fit for fatherhood, you need to be able to pick up your wife. You need to be able to stand next to her, put one arm behind her back, and another under her legs, and lift her up.

[00:00:11] I would venture to say you need to be able to sweep her off her feet, but we want to be reasonable in our expectations when we're getting started. Sweeping her off her feet suggests a little more speed and finesse than it would be wise for you to try at this stage. To begin with, the minimum standard for fitness in this area is you need to be able to pick her up and take three steps carrying her.

[00:00:33] Just as you would carrying her across a threshold. This demonstrates two qualifications for being a fit husband and being fit for fatherhood.

[00:00:45] Before we unpack that, let me introduce myself. My name is Marcus, also known as Mr. Homemaker. After 15 years in the Army, in the national security sector, and in business management consulting, two years [00:01:00] ago, I stepped back from my career to focus on righting the ship of my marriage and family life as an unexpected stay at home dad.

[00:01:10] My wife, Kristen and I have been documenting and sharing our experiment in work life rebalancing, and now we're moving into a new phase. This podcast, along with the content on YouTube and social media is dedicated to sharing my insights with men who aspire to start their family life off on the right foot.

[00:01:33] I hope to share my mistakes and lessons learned, and help you achieve domestic tranquility more efficiently than I did, by equipping you with the necessary roadmaps and skill sets.

[00:01:46] So, let me get back to the first of many lessons I'd like to share with you, saving you years of disappointment, confusion, or aggravation.

[00:01:54] I'll say it again, you need to be able to pick up your wife. [00:02:00] First, this demonstrates that you are reasonably strong and capable as a man. An essential aspect of being a man is that you are biologically gifted to be over 50 percent stronger than your wife, depending on the specific activity we're testing.

[00:02:16] When it comes to picking a person up, which is comparable to performing a deadlift, engaging your back and your glutes and your hamstrings, A husband is capable of lifting 60 100 percent more than his wife. A male novice bodybuilder, if he is reasonably healthy and fit, typically deadlifts between 100 percent and 150 percent of his own bodyweight.

[00:02:45] So the ability to lift up your wife isn't exceptional, it's the biological norm. A demonstration that you as a man are at least average. Picking up your wife demonstrates that you are not only able, but also willing, [00:03:00] to place your strength at her service, and at your children's service. Because marriage and family life work only when we are generous toward one another with the gifts given.

[00:03:12] Each of us have been given. One of your gifts as a husband and father is your superior strength, and that strength is an asset to your family that you're the custodian of. So you need to be both the strongest person in your household and be the person most clearly putting your strength to work for others.

[00:03:35] In our family, every night I carry my two daughters to bed after story time and prayers in the living room. We go up one flight of stairs and I carry one of them on each arm. Between the two of them, they weigh just over 100 pounds. Now, I'll admit, I wish it were easier for me to do this every day.

[00:03:57] And that's where I am on my journey, [00:04:00] working to make that daily ritual easier. But fundamentally, I'm grateful and relieved every time I get to the top of the stairs, because the truth is, there was a point not too long ago when I had to tell both of them I couldn't do it. You don't want to feel how I felt when I had to tell my daughter I couldn't carry her to bed because my back hurt too much.

[00:04:24] What I didn't say explicitly but I knew to be true was I was really admitting that I was too weak. I had let my body deteriorate and atrophy. And then that ritual, something that she valued as a daily moment of bonding, was something I wasn't able to perform. It's not a feeling I want you to experience.

[00:04:46] Sometimes you might need a wake up call, as I did. Maybe you've had that, or maybe you're wise enough to listen to what I'm telling you and let it sink in so that you can learn from my example, my mistake, and be more proactive than I was, and [00:05:00] build and maintain your fitness for fatherhood.

[00:05:04] My goal is to provide you with the podcast I wish I had 10 years ago when I was starting my own family, aiming to help you navigate or avoid some of the rough roads that I've traveled. Whether you're a lifelong couch potato beginning to take fitness seriously, or like me, you're suddenly feeling the impact of slowing metabolism and newfound aches and pains.

[00:05:30] In either case, you're not alone. Many of us struggle with finding the time and consistency to establish and maintain our fitness routines, particularly in this very short period of time. Typically in our late twenties and early thirties, when our careers begin to accelerate, we begin our married life. We welcome our first child and we begin to experience the side effects of getting older all within the span of a few years.

[00:05:58] Tragically, we [00:06:00] live in a time when record numbers of men stumble, fall, and give up when they find themselves at the intersection of these stresses, resulting in frustration, bitterness, family dysfunction, and All too often, ultimately, divorce. Having navigated these challenges myself for the past 10 years, and as I continue to navigate them, I've developed a fatherhood friendly strategy that I'm confident will help you establish a strong foundation.

[00:06:31] Maybe as you listen to this, you aren't confident that you could pick up your wife. Well, if you're not sure, then I don't recommend you try. It's better to be suspected of being unfit than to prove that you are. Over the next handful of episodes, we're going to build a fitness plan so in a few weeks you can confidently get your wife in your arms.

[00:06:53] Regardless of where you are on your journey, the only shame comes from failing to get started or [00:07:00] failing to keep moving. Here on Fit for Fatherhood, we'll explore what fatherhood requires of us so that we have a clear vision of the kind of men we want to become. Then we'll translate that vision into thoughtfully designed goals and a systematic roadmap for pursuing them, including establishing healthy and reliable habits that will help us turn our vision into a reality.

[00:07:26] Now obviously physical fitness is not the only area where we need to work. We also need to have the mindsets and paradigms for mental fitness. We need to acquire knowledge and skills that constitute adaptive fitness.

[00:07:41] And we need to have the emotional fitness that fosters healthy and fruitful relationships. These are the four pillars in Fit for Fatherhood. Physical, mental, adaptive, and emotional fitness.

[00:07:57] I've developed this model through my own [00:08:00] particular experiences and challenges as a husband and father. Two years ago, I was forced to acknowledge that my own family life was in a dire situation and it wasn't going to get any better unless I made it better. At the same time that I recognized a growing rift between my wife and I, and a growing sense of alienation from my own children, who I was seeing very little of throughout the work week, I was also reading the book Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink.

[00:08:31] He explains that in the Navy SEALs, it was almost always the leader's attitudes that determined whether their team would ultimately succeed or fail. The best performing teams had leaders who accepted responsibility for everything. They checked their egos, accepted blame, sought out constructive criticism, and systematically improved themselves.

[00:08:54] Ultimately, Jocko teaches that in order to truly become an effective [00:09:00] leader, you have to realize and accept total responsibility. You have to exhibit integrity. extreme ownership. And while I was reading that book in a professional context, I immediately saw that it translated directly into my experience and challenges as a husband and father.

[00:09:19] Because I was making excuses and shifting blame, I was letting my ego Block the path to overcoming those challenges. So I resolved to accept total responsibility and took the drastic step of abandoning my professional career and fully dedicating myself to confronting the problems, plaguing me, my wife, our three children, and our relationships with one another.

[00:09:43] Now, there are some things that are pretty difficult to understand until you experience them yourself. But I've become more and more convinced over the past two years that many of my difficulties would have been dramatically reduced, if not entirely eliminated, if I had [00:10:00] just formed the right mindset. If I had the right knowledge and skills earlier on in my marriage and family life.

[00:10:06] So yes, our journey to be fit for fatherhood on this podcast and elsewhere will go beyond physical fitness.

[00:10:14] But physical fitness is the perfect place to begin. Physical fitness through regular exercise enhances your ability to cultivate all other pillars of fitness. Not only will exercise lead to a longer life and greater ability to enjoy a range of daily activities and family adventures, but also it will help you sleep better at night.

[00:10:37] You'll experience less stress during the day, and you will even enjoy improved cognitive functioning. Regular exercise has been proven to enhance memory, enhance concentration, and enhance problem solving, it's easy to believe you're making the right decision for your wife and children to deprioritize your exercise routine so you [00:11:00] can spend that time with them or working to make their life better in some way.

[00:11:04] I've fallen into that trap myself, but it is a trap. Because the truth is, if you aren't regularly exercising, then you aren't bringing your A game to any other area of life either. Your energy is lower. Your mood is darker. Your mind is more clouded. You aren't doing your family any favors by neglecting your own physical fitness.

[00:11:29] And if you are unable or unwilling to pursue physical fitness, chances are pretty slim you'll be able or willing to pursue any other form of fitness either. Physical fitness is the training ground for every other form of fitness in our lives, so we must get a firm foothold here first.

[00:11:50] We've already established that you need to be able to pick up and carry your wife. You need to possess superior strength and put that strength to service for your [00:12:00] family. Now let's pair that with the ability to lower yourself down on one knee and stand up again repeatedly. Let's say ten times.

[00:12:09] Ten lunges on each side. That motion, lowering yourself down on one knee, is very likely the gesture with which you proposed marriage to your wife. That tradition originated in the West between 500 and a thousand years ago, during the medieval period. Whether kneeling in prayer, kneeling before a monarch, or kneeling before your beloved, It was, and is, a physical demonstration of your ability to humble yourself, to literally and figuratively lower yourself down.

[00:12:44] You set aside your pride, place yourself in a vulnerable position, and leave no doubt about your respect and loyalty and devotion to the truth, to authority, and to your wife. Kneeling [00:13:00]down is also an essential move of fatherhood. Kneeling down to pick up a baby, to play with a toddler, to deliver a stern correction eyeball to eyeball, or to hug a child before they leave for school.

[00:13:14] Perhaps the most indispensable form of setting aside your pride and humbling yourself is the ability to promptly and sincerely apologize. As Dr. John Gottman wrote in his seminal book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, quote, saying you're sorry is magical in a relationship, end quote. I would add that it's also magical to say, I forgive you.

[00:13:40] So healing and learning and forward progress is possible. I know these abilities are two that I have struggled with for far too long in my marriage and family life, and that I'm still working to master today. So while picking up and carrying your wife is a more visually impressive, [00:14:00]occasional demonstration of your strength, kneeling down and getting back up again is an indispensable ability for cultivating a vibrant relationship with both your wife and your children day in and day out.

[00:14:14] In this manner, we'll continue to flesh out our vision for what it looks like to physically fit for fatherhood. And along the way, flag how these physical abilities correspond to mental, adaptive, and emotional abilities that we'll explore more thoroughly in future episodes. But for now, while we're focused on physical fitness, we need to accompany our vision setting with a framework for how we'll pursue that vision. Right off the bat, let me say that this is no place for get fit quick schemes or any other kind of gimmick. Whether it's exercise or Or marriage or parenting, or weight loss, there is always a crowd of snake oil salesmen peddling [00:15:00] some too simplistic and too good to be true answer, guaranteed to leave you feeling disappointed.

[00:15:07] James Clear explains in Atomic Habits that we all suffer from an irrational hope that a novel solution will deliver better, faster, or easier results than the tried and true strategies. Unfortunately, the pattern of repeated disappointments and failures that follow from chasing the latest trend can snuff out our confidence in our own ability to improve our fitness, physical or otherwise.

[00:15:37] Rather than giving up on ourselves, we simply need to commit. To mastering the timeless strategies, learning from our own past failures, and from the example and mentorship of those who have overcome those obstacles that previously have halted our own progress. My approach to fitness emphasizes well rounded, [00:16:00] functional fitness, beginning with the standards and principles that have shown remarkable effectiveness in both our military and first responder communities. These are designed to transform couch potatoes into fully capable team members, whether they're soldiers or firefighters.

[00:16:17] Then we'll draw from multi sport communities like Ironman and Obstacle Course Racing, which offer dynamic capabilities in place of specialized equipment and mission specific training.

[00:16:29] In particular, to be a fatherhood friendly system, this physical fitness strategy that I'm inviting you to implement is characterized by minimal equipment, and maximizing the results for the time that you invest.

[00:16:43] But let there be no confusion. You cannot get fit physically or otherwise if you fail to dedicate time and effort. Time is often the first major obstacle between fathers and their fitness routines, and time management is [00:17:00] one of the foundational skill sets we'll focus on in the context of adaptive fitness.

[00:17:06] But for now, we simply need to get off the starting blocks and begin forward movement. There are three approaches you can employ right now to create the time you need. Number one is the easiest. Identify your least productive time wasting activities and reduce or eliminate them. This might be streaming TV, it might be doom scrolling social media, it might be watching chains of sports highlights on YouTube.

[00:17:34] Whatever it is for you, pick some low hanging fruit. Of ways you spend your time that are the least productive the least valuable. And the least important to you. So you can convert that time into making progress toward fitness for fatherhood. Number two is to focus on becoming more efficient in the things that you need to and want to keep doing.

[00:17:57] As we know from British [00:18:00] historian and author, Cyril Parkinson, Mundane work expands to fill the time allotted for it. This means whether you're clearing out your inbox or folding laundry, you will spend all the time you allow yourself to spend on that task. If you don't have any particular reason to move quickly and efficiently, Then you won't.

[00:18:22] But if you resolve to fold a load of laundry in 15 minutes, instead of taking 30 minutes, because you are prioritizing that 15 minutes you need to do a workout, then you will discover that it really can be done in half the time that you've been taking, you really can reclaim a meaningful portion of your day with a little intentionality and focus.

[00:18:46] Number three is the most difficult. Reduce the time you spend on activities that you do value. but that you don't value as much as getting more fit.

[00:18:57] You may have a healthy and productive hobby that serves [00:19:00] an important function in your lifestyle, but you're spending an hour each day on that and no time at all on improving your fitness. For my wife and me, we enjoyed spending a couple hours together in the evenings after the kids were in bed, but we recognized the importance of prioritizing morning workouts.

[00:19:18] So we adjusted our routines to ensure we maintain our evening ritual while also creating time for exercise in the morning. It's not about eliminating that time, but it was about adhering to an earlier bedtime for ourselves and not only for our children.

[00:19:37] So that is the action item for you before you move on to the next episode. Your first step toward becoming more fit for fatherhood is to sit down and sketch out your typical daily routine. Then label each block of time as one of the following categories. Maybe you have some truly fixed blocks of time.

[00:19:57] Fixed meaning you have to be at your [00:20:00] desk from 9 a. m. to noon and from 1 p. m. to 4 p. m. If your workplace has a rule like that, okay, that's a fixed block of time and there's nothing you can do about it. Next, label valuable blocks of time. Time you spend with your wife, with your children, with your friends, and on hobbies that you value.

[00:20:20] Third, label mundane blocks of time. Your household chores are typically the things filling this kind of time. These are things that you don't really enjoy and maybe even despise, but that fundamentally you have to get them done. Then finally, label your time wasters if there is a specific time of day when those things tend to happen.

[00:20:42] Although for many of us, they tend to sort of fill the cracks in our schedule rather than a single block of time. But if for you there is a portion of the day where you tend to waste time, annotate that on your agenda. And with that agenda in front of you, make some decisions about what you are [00:21:00] willing to eliminate or reduce or resolve to complete more efficiently so that you can block off and protect 30 minutes at a specific time in your day.

[00:21:11] To help you do this, check the show notes for links to tools, templates, and examples that will help you audit and organize your daily schedule. And if you haven't already, Hit the subscribe button and look alive because it's time for you to take action. It's time to carve out some sacred space for fitness in your life, beginning with physical fitness.

[00:21:34] Remember, every monumental journey, no matter how daunting, begins with a single step. It's a small but indispensable change from standing still to moving down a new path. But here's the thing. No one's going to take that step for you. No more excuses. No more playing the victim. It's time to reclaim control over your own life.

[00:21:59] To take [00:22:00] extreme ownership and forge a path towards success. This is your moment. Your opportunity to improve the quality of your life for yourself and for your family. Don't wait, don't second guess, and don't let a little voice of doubt hold you back. Just go do it. Commit to this first step. Schedule the time for fitness, and I'll see you on the next episode as we continue our journey to become fit for fatherhood together.