Shahin's Corner - The Podcast That Bites
Shahin's Corner - The Podcast That Bites
Shahin's Corner with Special Guest Gavin - Redefining Masculinity: A Journey Through Addiction, Fatherhood, and Self-Acceptance for a Stronger Future
When Gavin, the acclaimed writer behind "The Art of Self-Acceptance" and "Stronger Mind, Stronger Body, Stronger Life," sat down with us, he didn't just share his story—he tore down the walls of masculinity. We're talking about a raw, no-holds-barred dialogue that plumbs the depths of personal accountability and the intricate dance of self-reliance. As we weave through Gavin's narrative, from the scars of his past trauma to the reckoning of a tragic accident, we unearth the toxic coping strategies that have become all too familiar for men in today's society. He doesn't just tell us about the journey; he shows us the roadmap to emerging stronger.
This episode is a relentless pursuit of truth, as we challenge the legacies passed down from generation to generation. You'll hear about the patterns we've inherited, and how they shape our emotional resilience—or lack thereof. Gavin and I don't shy away from the elephant in the room: the 'tough love' that's left many men emotionally stranded. But it's not a grim tale; it's a beacon of hope. We illuminate the path to breaking the cycle through self-awareness, therapy, and mentorship, offering a gesture of gratitude to the past as we strive to pave a healthier future for the ones who follow.
And just when you think you've grasped the essence of self-improvement, we push further, exploring the unfiltered complexities of fatherhood, marriage, and the relentless pursuit of authenticity. Gavin's candid confession of his battle with addiction and the liberating power of forgiveness and self-acceptance shows us that the true measure of a man lies in his capacity for vulnerability. By the end of our talk, it's clear that the resilience we seek isn't born from the absence of struggle, but the courage to confront it head-on. Join us, and you may just find a piece of yourself within this transformative tale.
Having our guests today. I'm Dr Shaheen Safarian. We're having another live stream episode of Shaheen's Corner. Love these live streams because you can't really hide anything. With editing, you can always just make yourself look a little bit better than you really are, so I really enjoy these. But I have a special guest that this is. This is so, so close to me. I have a couple of young kids and I want to talk to him about a few things. I want to talk about men today in particular, and growth and mentally and physically. But he is the author of the Art of Self-Exceptance and he just recently wrote another book that came out in March on Amazon called Stronger Mind, stronger Body, stronger Life. Before I introduce you, take a look at this video.
Speaker 2:Many of you will not want to hear this, which is why many of you need to hear this. We live in an era of entitlement. The current generation is full of men who have never had to work for anything. They've never had to sweat for a goal. They've never had to bleed for what they want. When reality sets in and they realize that life is not all sunshine and rainbows, they'll panic and cry out about how unfair life is. Well, here's a little news flash Life's not fair and no one gives a shit.
Speaker 1:Gavin, how you doing my man.
Speaker 3:Brilliant, brilliant. I'm in awe of the video editing there. Well, I tell you what, man?
Speaker 1:I appreciate that. You got some amazing content, man. I'm diving deep into some of your content and, by the way, before we start, I have to ask you what is Ireland known for? Are they more famous for their rugby or for their soccer?
Speaker 3:It would be rugby at this point because they have a very strong rugby team that are highly seated. The potentially are the number one in the world. They're well up there anyway at the moment. So what?
Speaker 1:Tell you what, but that's only a recent thing.
Speaker 3:That's only a recent thing.
Speaker 1:So it was. It was. It wasn't Connor McGregor, was it who's, I don't know, by the way, it was that.
Speaker 3:I don't know. I don't know that guy. Yeah, you don't know that guy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll bet you don't know that guy Listen let me ask you this Is she going to win another fight?
Speaker 3:I hope not. I'm not a fan of McGregor. Oh, you're not OK.
Speaker 1:Well, we can. We can talk about why, but? But look it kind of leads into some of the things I want to talk to you about today. So Gavin is in Ireland, we're live. What time is it there? Now, man? It's just after 6, 30.
Speaker 1:Oh cool, so we're so about eight hour time difference, I'm here in San Diego. So look, here's the thing we hear so much noise about these, these influencers and and you know, kind of beaten up on men and who men are today, and but when I read some of your content and watch some of your content, you really you know you take a really nice deep dive and and your approach really is, is really thought out. It's not just rah, rah, rah. Well, you know, here's my muscles and go get muscles and you'll get girls. And you know, I really think the reason is and I could be wrong, correct me Is that a lot of what you share is what you've experienced as a child, as an adolescent and now as an adult, and what I sense is that it's something that's really close to your heart. Is that accurate? That would be very accurate.
Speaker 3:Yes, indeed, I've been through a long process of trying to heal myself from a lot of childhood trauma, from a trauma that was associated with a car accident when I was 18, where I was a child. I was 18, where I was responsible for the death of a woman and something that then transpired into over 10 years of ignorance, from from that instant where I tried to try to hide away from it, not really intentionally, but I was subconsciously terrified to go back and revisit that scene to to revisit the pain. But the more you ignore the pain, the more your pain increases. So over a 10 year period that's that was what was happening to me in my life. It was accumulating over that period of time.
Speaker 3:Now, to go back to your, to your question, over that 10 year period and perhaps all my life up until my 30s, my early 30s, I would had heading away from challenging situations. I would have run away from difficulties. In my life I would have had other people who would have stepped in for me to fix situations for me. As a child that was bullied, I never stood up to those bullies. I would run away, cry to mommy and daddy, mommy and daddy would step in, talk to the teachers and sort of fix the problem for me. So I always felt that someone else was responsible for my actions, my behaviors, and if things got difficult, instead of me taking ownership of it and taking responsibility for it, I would expect someone else to step in and sort the problem for me, even as I got older, having difficulties with finances, with money, and having this sort of careless attitude about it, thinking that that's okay, my mom, my dad will give me money and the problem will be fixed. So I have this big thing of a feeling that a lot of men are still running to their mommies and daddies looking for help, looking for comfort, looking for soothing, looking for safety, and mommy and daddy are no longer available, or at least they should not be available anymore, because you're now a grown up man who needs to take responsibility and ownership for his own life.
Speaker 3:However, in the absence of mommy and daddy and the absence of those soothers and the comforts that they brought and the safety that they brought, you can begin to replace them with outlets such as porn, alcohol, gambling, things that make you feel good, and a lot of men out there like myself, for a long time in my life, would spend the majority of it doing things that made me feel good I had a serious porn addiction for a long time in my life and again doing these things that made me feel good. It's all about how I feel, all about the pleasures, all about what makes me feel safe, what makes me feel comfortable. And as you do that, you become even weaker, you become even softer and life will punish you for it, because life is ever evolving, with its challenges and difficulties and situations, and when those challenges arise, you go back to the default of running away and, as I said, when mommy and daddy aren't there, what they're soothers and comforts or whatever you associate it with mommy and daddy with, which was, as I said, the safety and protection and the escapism, and you go towards these other avenues just to hide away from the difficulties and challenges of life. So that's what I feel is happening for a lot of men today, because these avenues of distraction and escapism are so easy to access today.
Speaker 3:You've got a problem in your relationship. Instead of having a difficult conversation with your wife, instead of taking responsibility for the situation, instead of standing up and showing up for her, you will most likely run away into porn or start scrolling to your Instagram and checking out girls there and sliding into the DMs and one thing leads on to another, and then you meet someone and it's a fair, and then it's again. That'll come back and bite you in the ass when you get found out, when you get caught, and it becomes a very messy situation. If you'd taken responsibility for in the first place, you could have addressed the situation, had an honest, open conversation about the state of your marriage and relationship and begin to navigate that obstacle in your life and your lives together. So that's what it means to be a man is to take responsibility, to take ownership and not to shy away from the difficulties, but to see these difficulties and challenges as actual opportunities.
Speaker 3:And I have this saying that there are no problems, there are only opportunities. So a problem, a challenge, a perceived problem or a challenge or an obstacle is an opportunity for you to test your resilience, to test your strength, to test your mental fortitude and if you fail, if you fuck it up, well guess what? You've got something more to work on. If you overcome it, great, gives you a sense of confidence, gives you a further sense of resilience, gives you a further sense that you are capable of much more than you thought before. You took the challenge on and you instill that level of capability and you take it with you on to the next challenge, which the world be, and plenty more often. So, as I said, the more you ignore the pain, the more the pain increases, because it accumulates from challenge and situation and difficulties in your life from one to another, and everyone you avoid weakens you and softens you even more and could ultimately defeat you completely.
Speaker 1:I tell you what man. I don't know. If there's a man listening to this that can't relate to what you just said. I mean, that's as pure as it gets. I got goosebumps. Man Seriously Like, yeah man, that's pretty damn pure. And the reality is there's not that many men in the world. I'm not a man based on the definition of what you just explained. It's the truth. So why are we weak? Why do we open the easy door?
Speaker 3:Well, we can look back and blame past situations, blame past relationships for the state of ourselves right now. We have all men of this generation. I think. If you're over the age of 25, I think you're in the same category of coming from a generation of hardened parents, hardened fathers, and this isn't a compliment to them. It was to your detriment that your father was a hardened man who hid away his feelings, who shut down his emotions, who didn't give you the space or the capacity or the teachings to help you manage and express your emotions and to allow you to feel sad, to allow you to feel angry, to allow you to feel frightened, because, again, you're coming from a generation. You're coming from a father who's had a father who's even further back in that generation. And the thing we need to understand is that, for the majority of our parents, they are pained parents, parents who have not had the opportunity to heal their own wounds, to address their own underlying issues and problems from their past. So they carry this pain, they carry this trauma with them into their parenthood and your parents. Pain, ultimately, can become your pain. So we are a lot more common or a lot more relatable to our fathers than we would want to admit.
Speaker 3:I think and I've identified that in my own journey that a lot of my behaviors I can see in my father shutting down, running away and not speaking about my difficulties in the situation or my problems or challenges and trying to solve these problems myself, but ultimately creating an even bigger obstacle which can completely consume you and pull you under until I got to the point of I had no other option but to reach out for help at that point. So, as I mentioned, I spent over a decade trying to hide away from the trauma and pain associated with the responsibility of the death of a woman when I was 18 years of age and this sort of ignorance that I was. Okay, you know, I'm over it, I've got through it. And then every weekend, blackout, drunk every second night, hours and hours of watching porn, completely ignorant, and when you're in it it's very difficult to well, from my experience, it's very difficult to actually realize what's going on because you're so far in it. It was only when I began to park the porn, began to reduce my alcohol intake, that the underlying feelings and the underlying pain was allowed to come to the surface. I gave it space, I gave it time to come up because I wasn't then venturing into these distractions.
Speaker 3:So, going back to your question again, we've had poor role models in our past and I'm not here blaming mommy, not here blaming daddy did that the very best and I'm so thankful for everything they've given me in my life. I have nothing but gratitude for both of them. They did their best with what they believed was the best. However, they're not perfect individuals. They made mistakes. They, as I said, had their own underlying traumas and pains that they weren't aware of Again, not to their fault, because the resources to heal, the resources to address these issues were not available for them in the 90s and the 80s and the 70s.
Speaker 3:This is only a recent thing and this is now all-responsibility to break this pattern, so it doesn't follow on to the next generation, because we do have the resources, we do have the avenues, we are having the conversations, we have books, we have videos, we have therapists, we have mentors, we have coaches. We've all this available and if you're passing this pain on to your children, then that is to your detriment, because everything you need to heal and everything you need to break this pattern going forward it's there, it's available and it's completely irresponsible to do that.
Speaker 1:You know there's so much in what you're saying right now that I mean every sentence throws three questions in my head and I'm just trying to keep it all in my head here to try to not forget some of the things you're talking about here, because it's pretty deep what you're saying if you really sit down and think about it. What you have right now, gavin, is a gift, and that gift is you are self-aware. Not every man has that and habits the easy habits push you away from becoming more self-aware because you're stuck into this whole of unrealistic and unrealistic reality of what you're living. Let me go back a little bit and talk about my dad.
Speaker 1:My dad is probably the closest to the pure man that you defined earlier in our conversation. So he's my hero. Yeah, he's my hero, but he's also he wasn't perfect. You know I'm 55 now and I can tell you that I'm also not a perfect parent, I'm not a perfect husband, I'm not a perfect man and some of the things that my dad did when I was growing up are things that I'm trying to not do as a parent to my kids.
Speaker 1:For example, he never well, I shouldn't say never, but he hardly ever told me that he loves me growing up, and I told you, you gave me goosebumps, man.
Speaker 3:It's real man.
Speaker 1:I tell my kids I love them every day.
Speaker 3:That's the gift he's given you.
Speaker 1:Many times a day, so sorry, wait, this is supposed to be the other way. Man, I'm supposed to make you cry.
Speaker 3:Why are you apologizing? Let it out, man. This is what I'm talking about. Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to express.
Speaker 1:Yeah so, but there's so many practical things that my dad did that I'm nowhere close to who he is as a man, and I'm sure my son will feel the same when he grows up. You know, I think there are certain areas that I can be a great example for him and certain areas that I'm not a great example for him. I think every child will feel that as they become adults, from their parents which is always the interesting part that you can have a child. But to parent a child is a different game and I think that's something that you know. Obviously, you know I'm challenged with as I work with my wife and I will tell you, you know, same thing in my relationship with my wife. I mean, we had poor communication. I can't speak for her, but I can tell you there were many times I took the easy door, I took the easy road without challenging the relationship, and we both learned from that and we both are trying to be better.
Speaker 1:We're both actively paying attention to our relationship, which has had its turbulent times. We've been married now 10 years, known her for 12 and we've had some turbulence, and it stems from the fact of exactly what you said earlier is that it's just easier not to deal. It's denied. Don't deal with the pain. Yeah, it's powerful, but I will also tell you that we always still seek to go to the weaker resources because of the habits that we've gained, and breaking those habits is difficult. So you talk about therapy but then you go to your therapist and you just lie to your therapist so he or she is helping you based on your agenda. They're not really helping you based on the truth. So you're just paying somebody to feed you more of the bad habits that you've created. So resources are only valuable if your foundation as a man in this discussion is pure, and it's never peer. There's always a hidden agenda. So you go to the resources based on what you want to find, because you want to support your own thoughts. That's why I think you have a gift, because when you're that self-aware you tell yourself bullshit. No, I'm not going to feed my own crap to myself. I'm going to go seek true, pure answers of how I can become a better person.
Speaker 1:And I think this is why I was really attracted to your content and I appreciate you being here. Is that it's obvious that you've passed that hurdle to me? We've never met in person. I've never been in Ireland, even though I've been in San Diego, but there's a connection that I felt.
Speaker 1:And look, there's so much noise, guys coming on with cigars going. Yeah, go become a healthy person, eat better, get the fucking cigar out of your mouth before you speak. What are you talking about? I go to the gym, I eat better, and he puffs a cigar. Excuse me, that noise is. You know, it's clear in front of you. It's clear that it's noise.
Speaker 1:So now I understand. I mean, like, listen, I told you I'm 55. I know you said you're 38. And I certainly wasn't as mature as you are at 38 when I was 38. I'm not sure if I'm as mature as you are at 38, at 55. So but the point is, I've gone through a few things, you know.
Speaker 1:I've gone through breakups, divorces, bad relationships, lost money, a lot of it. Irresponsibility, ego, glamour of being a doctor I'm perfect, I play pro sports, I'm a doctor, fuck you. And life doesn't care, man, life doesn't care. So as much, you know. I hear these younger dentists now. You know they drive their nice cars. I get it, you know. Get their nice girls, I get it right. But life will humble you, the world will humble you.
Speaker 1:And I'm at a really interesting place right now because I'm working on becoming a more pure man and and I still fail every day. But I know that I got to continue to work on self developing and the awareness is there, which I think is important. So, you know, that's the. That's the part that's comforting is that many times you're in denial, right You're, you're kind of like, no, that's not me, but that is you. Every time, I think you say to yourself no, that's not me, it's actually exactly you. So, yeah, I mean, and it's interesting because there's so many branches to everybody's life, right, and it's always easy to just open the easy door and look at somebody else's life and say, look, I'm doing better than them, so I'm fine. Right, you surround yourself with people that you are above of, whether it's through education or financial. Your financial means. It makes you more comfortable, brings more comfort to you because you're better than them and you do a lot of things. And this is not so much me.
Speaker 1:I never cared about what people said. I never feared judgment. I live my life. I try to live my life the best I can. I think at many times many people have told me that I just think of myself and don't really care about what anybody else thinks from family and friends. I don't know, maybe you know, but so I've never been one that gets swayed by what somebody tells me. When I was younger, I would get more bothered by what somebody would say, yeah, anyways. But you talk about self-forgiveness and enhancing or embracing self-forgiveness. You know, at 18, you hit that event that took you down and that was a 10-year process, from what I understand, and maybe you're still working on it.
Speaker 1:But self-forgiveness is part of accepting that you're not perfect, that you make mistakes and you're not as great as you think you are. Want to talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, forgiveness gets a bit of a wrap, and what many people don't understand about forgiveness is that forgiving yourself for something you would have done in the past is not condoning the activity or your behaviors or your actions. It's not going. Oh well, that was okay. You know what I did. There wasn't such a big deal.
Speaker 3:I know I let myself off the hook here. That's not what it is. If you could, for a second, go back and undo what you did, or undo how you behaved in a certain way or how you acted in a certain way, if you could undo that, if you had the power to do it, would you do that? And the answer is usually yes, certainly. The answer for me was certainly. I would, of course, want to save that woman's life or avoid it in that care, 100%. So if that's the case, the intent to do harm was not there. It wasn't my intention to hurt anybody. It wasn't my intention to kill anybody. That was not my intention. It was an accident.
Speaker 3:And all throughout my 20s, after this incident happened, that's what I heard from people. I even heard it from my own family. Gavin was just an accident, could have happened to anybody. And I dismissed all the words, dismissed all these remarks and these comments, because I hated myself for what had happened. I hated myself for what I had done and I was locked in the past. I was locked in that instant. I was locked with the shame and the guilt and the trauma and the grief and the sadness and the anger, and all of this. I was trapped in all of that for over a decade, couldn't set myself free from it, maybe didn't want to set myself free from it because I didn't believe I deserved to be.
Speaker 3:However, as I said, it came to the understanding that forgiveness is a way of letting this go. It's a way of letting it go and it's not telling myself that it was okay, what happened, it was fine, not such a big deal. That's not what it's about. It's about letting go of it and as I let go of that, it cultivates a level of peace. It brings a sense of healing within. I feel more at ease, I have more gratitude, I have more love and more joy. So if I can cultivate those from forgiving myself for what I've done in the past and this goes for everybody then you become a better individual. You become a better man because now you have peace, love, joy, gratitude. You have those things. You don't have this self-hatred, you don't have this self-criticism, you don't have this pain and grief and sadness and anger that gets spilled on to all the people. You're a broken man and, as I said, forgiving it as a way of putting those pieces back together, let me ask you this what steps did you take to forgive yourself?
Speaker 1:I mean, you spiraled the wrong way after the event and everybody talks about hitting rock bottom, right no-transcript? I'm assuming at some point in that ten year period there were a couple times you felt like you hit rock bottom. But what are the steps that you particularly took to forgive yourself and we always talk about? You can't forget, because you're talking about it right now, but you can forgive and forgetting Not forgetting is is an daily practice, because maybe at times, throughout a day or a week or a month, you can easily throw yourself back into that Mindset of where you were at 25 or that night or that day that event happened. And how do you practice forgiveness at that moment During that episode? I'm curious.
Speaker 3:Well, to go back to the steps, at 26 my daughter was born, and that changed a lot, because now I had someone else to be responsible for, had this human being that Ultimately dependent on me and her mother for her safety, for her protection, for her love, for security, and and Soon after she was born, I was made redundant from a job, so I became a stay-at-home dad for the best part of a year, and although that was an incredible experience to establish a bond with my daughter that I still have today, there were many moments during that period where I got angry or I did things that I I wish I didn't do raising my voice, giving her a slap, getting angry because she would need her dinner, and that happened several times, and Every time it happened, I would beat myself up about it. It would be, it would be a few seconds of rage, it would be. There won't be a matter of seconds, but those seconds would have haunted me for days afterwards, weeks afterwards, perhaps years afterwards, and Over that period of the year, I learned a lot about myself, because I understood that I was not a piece with myself. I understood that something was off here, and Also, during the period of not working for a year. I didn't have a purpose, at least I didn't believe at a purpose. My daughter was my purpose, but it I Felt like a bum. I felt pathetic. I felt inadequate because I didn't have a job I couldn't provide. I felt like I couldn't provide, felt like I couldn't protect because I Couldn't bring the income in to serve the family. So this is, this is a rock bottom moment.
Speaker 3:And during that rock bottom moment was when my porn addiction peaked and my, the woman that I was, what time she found out about this and there was an exchange. She obviously was quite upset about it and I felt incredibly ashamed about it. So you take the shame that I felt from those bursts of anger with my daughter, you take the shame that I felt with being found out about the porn. And I'm there thinking, man, look this, this can't continue like I'm Add this underlying feeling for a very long time of emptiness within. So over that period of time, I Decided to park the porn. I said, okay, no more porn. Yeah, right, let's focus on something else here. Start reading books started. I think the first book I read was the opposite. It was the way by Ryan holiday, and that started to change my mind. I started to look at things differently from that point forward, and books became a thing where the porn Was not a thing anymore. I started reading more books. I Wasn't drinking as much because I was taking more responsibility from my daughter. I was trying to Be the man that she needed, to be, the father she needed.
Speaker 3:So, as I mentioned earlier, in the absence of these distractions, in the absence of these vices, the pain finally came to the surface. And there was a point I think I remember it quite well. Actually, it was in the kitchen of the home and I just had this incredible sense of guilt come over me almost out of nowhere. Guilt in Very intense feeling of guilt. And the guilt was associated with the, the woman that died in the accident, but more so for her son. Her son was what they're in the car on the day. Thankfully he survived and he was three at a time. This was what was this ten years later.
Speaker 3:So I thought this. This guy's a teenager now. I wonder is he happy? I wonder is he angry with me for what happened? I wonder is he hate me? I wonder how he's doing?
Speaker 3:And the guilt was associated with the feeling that I had taken his mother away from him and that I had taken her Away from him. She's missing out on all these experiences with him and he's missing out on all these experiences with her. So this guilt was the tipping point for me and I thought of like before oh, this will pass or this will go away. Didn't go away Any moments of silence or peace that I had. It would come up and it got to the point where I was running up. I started running a personal training business at the time and I left the gym Monday, sat in the car and again you go into the car and there's like a couple of seconds of silence. That's all it took. All the skill came up. So I took the phone, rang a counselor. I said I need to talk to you. I've got a, got a talk to somebody.
Speaker 3:So this was the beginning of the healing process and that was at 27, 28 perhaps, and I can tell you it's only it's only this year really that I feel I've completely Healed from that instant. It's taken me 10 years because only last week it was the anniversary of that accident that happened on September 11th, the year after the 21st hours. So Last year I remember the guilt and the pain and the sadness it crept up around this time of year. This time didn't hit me, didn't hit me, of course. I remembered it. I thought about her, thought about the family, thought about the accident. I almost, I was almost waiting for these feelings of grief and pain and Sadness to come over me. Didn't come, and I Sort of look back at all of these difficult experiences in my life the bullying when I was younger, the porn addiction, the many disappointments I had, the Breakdown or breakup of a family when I was three years old, this car accident, the porn addiction being exposed as well for public viewing that's another story. How long we've got.
Speaker 1:So my porn addiction was.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my porn addiction was found out. So I'll tell you briefly what happened. It was when my porn addiction was at its peak. I discovered these webcam chat rooms when everything was on show, and in the webcam chat rooms it's like to me, in a way, it was like porn on ecstasy, because you're not only seeing things, you're also Giving a lot of praise, attention, all these things that I probably felt that was deprived of all my life. Attention like, as I said to you at the beginning, making me feel good, all these pleasures making me feel good to feel good, feel good, feel good.
Speaker 3:And a Couple years later, there was a video circulating of me and that webcam chat room on a porn site which was out there for a couple of days around my town. So, again, that was another bottom-up, the pit moment. And, and, as I said, all these experiences, I see them as challenges in my life that I've overcome, challenges that have happened for me, not to me in order for me to become this resilient, strong, confident leader that I am today. If I hadn't experienced these, if I hadn't tackled these situations, if I hadn't gone through these painful processes, I wouldn't be able to tell you these stories from a place of authenticity or a place of real, raw truth. Today, it would just be as if I'm reading out of a book which is not real.
Speaker 1:I definitely don't sense that at all and that's what I said right at the beginning is that there's an obvious authenticity to what you're sharing and it's deep and obviously now we're learning more about your story and it's clear that you lived it. You asked about how much time. We got about 10 minutes, but I could talk to you for many more hours, but I want to dive in because now what I'm attracted to also is that you're vulnerable.
Speaker 1:You've exposed yourself and this is not easy to say. I sucked, I went through pain, I got bullied, I was a weak man, and the list can potentially go on to many other things as well. But to expose yourself without weakness and that vulnerability and now want to give back through the couple of books that you've written, and I want to learn a little bit more about what you're doing today with Modern Warrior Mastermind program and how that works, along with in line with how you can help others with what you've experienced.
Speaker 3:Yes, for sure. And the thing is, as I was mentioning there, I've gone through these experiences of establishing a level of resiliency and confidence, strength, also, a level of love and joy within myself that I haven't had for a very long time. But these things are not for me to own, these are not for me, these are for me to give away now, because there's so many men there depleted of these things, depleted of resiliency, depleted of confidence, depleted of strength, depleted of love, depleted of joy, finding joy in places that only bring further misery. As I mentioned, the porn, alcohol, gambling affairs, hookups, all these things, empty pursuits, and I've identified this in a lot of men because I've lived that life. A man comes to me, he speaks to me about his struggles. I know where he's at, I can feel what he's feeling in that moment because I've felt it myself. So there's a real level of connection born in this communication with this man, because I completely connect to the feeling that he's going through at that point. And this is what the modern warrior mastermind is all about is establishing those connections with these men to say, hey, it's okay, it's okay if you're in pain, it's okay if you're sad, it's okay if you're angry. It's okay if you're lost. It's okay if you don't have a fucking clue what you're doing in your life right now. It's okay if you're going through a breakup, it's okay. I get it, I understand, it's okay. This is now an opportunity for you, though you can see these things, as I mentioned, as a big problem in your life, or you could see it as an opportunity for you to begin to heal and grow and progress towards becoming a better man. Just as I mentioned to you earlier about having gone through all those difficulties in my life, there were actually opportunities that I, of course, had not realized at the time.
Speaker 3:I can see that there were opportunities that have instilled a level of confidence and strength, integrity and love within me, and now that I have it, I want to give it away. That's my role. That's why I do what I do, because I would be detrimental to others if I just kept this to myself. So, of course, I don't push this on people. As you know, I speak about it here in these podcasts. I speak about it on my own podcast. I speak about it on my content. I just tell my story and as I tell my story and as I allow myself to be vulnerable. It removes the barrier for other men to be vulnerable and be open and be honest.
Speaker 3:And what is vulnerability, then, today is just being honest with yourself, and so many men are scared, shitless of their truth Because they're so ashamed about it. Such a level of shame about simply feeling Shame. To feel Shame, especially shame to feel sad or angry, because these things would have been potentially punished in the past through your parents or through your father, through your mother. You know why are you so sad? You know there's children starving in Africa. You should feel grateful. You go. Okay, I shouldn't feel sad. Okay, no more sad feelings. Push it down, suppress it. Why are you angry? We do everything for you. We cloth you, we bathe you. You've got a great life here. Why are you so angry with us? Okay, can't be angry. Mommy and daddy won't like me if we get angry. Push it down, suppress it. More you suppress, the more it will express itself in destructive ways in your life.
Speaker 1:You know you said the truth. That word resonates with me quite a bit, definitely in this conversation. But why, why, why don't we seek the truth, right? I mean, obviously your program, and I'm sure others as well, creates this, this push, or that it inspires men to seek the truth, but then they seek their truth. Once it gets hard, they just fucking go back to who they were right, because there's always going to be these roadblocks or walls that you have to jump over, and so being interested in your truth is way different than being committed to your truth, right.
Speaker 1:And that's the challenge, and this is one of the things that I talk about in my content when I talk to doctors or when I present to Dennis, as I say look, you know, we're in a profession where we could be lazy and make 300,000 a year. We're in a profession where you can make over a million dollars and be nothing close to being a pure man. So it's interesting because the bells and whistles hide away the truth. And, as I said, I'm working on, actively working on now that I believe I'm more self aware and I'm sure there's more to it as I dive deeper in. But that's the joy, that's the journey of diving deeper in into how can I become more pure. I don't think I'll ever get there. There's so much this night because I mean like even forgiveness right, like right now I'm even telling you there's no way I'll get there because I can't forgive myself for some of the, some of the shit that I've done, right. But it's the, the commitment to seeking the truth. And and I did a presentation in Dallas just last month where I said this is a presentation about becoming a better CEO dental CEO but it's also a presentation about becoming a. It's about leadership and self development.
Speaker 1:And leadership and self development Most of the time has nothing to do with dentistry. People think like I can be a better leader if I can manage my team of hygienist assistants front desk. My peers know you can be a better leader of seeking the truth within yourself. If you can't seek the truth within yourself, then the rest doesn't really matter, because you're not really aware of who you are and where you're going internally. And that's only interesting to Dennis, because why do I need to work on myself?
Speaker 1:I got a big house, I got a beautiful wife, I got a big car, nice car. I make 400,000 plus a year I've made it and when the door is shut and the room is dark and their head's on the pillow and nobody's watching, they're fucked up. That's the answer. Many are insecure, many have vices that are hidden and many never really had to self-develop, just like an athlete, which I was, a pro athlete. I was better than other people just because I had a talent. Just because you're a doctor and you're more educated than 99% of the world. I'm just better than you because I'm educated.
Speaker 1:So who are you to come and tell me about seeking the truth? That's the pure man's definition of and in the States you talk about entitlement. That's a whole different discussion, which is also crazy to talk about. These are what's interesting to me that we forget that we're not really in dentistry. When we're working as dentists, we're dealing with people, we're dealing with ourselves, we're dealing with I go on social media and doctors are complaining about hygienists being late or a patient complaining to the dental board or they have to go through divorce because and now they've got to lose their office. I mean, there's a list of so many vast array of issues that come up and I've dealt with all of it myself personally. But if you really dive deep in to who you are. You got married to that person, you hired that office manager, you made the financial decision to buy the Maserati. It was you, and so this concept of over leveraging yourself financially can seek into this seeking the truth personally as well.
Speaker 1:I mean, it gets really messy when you continue to dive in and have this conversation, because it's really a deep conversation. Really, as you said, is physical and mental Right now can become mentally stronger if they just physically are committed to being healthier. But then that takes work. And I make 500,000 a year and I live in a 6,000 square foot home. Why do I need to work?
Speaker 1:This is what's interesting to me is that, you know, let's put dentistry aside, let's focus on us as human beings that are licensed dentists or that are doctors, and I think that's what attracts me to really creating an environment where not only are they financially successful but mentally successful, physically successful. I think we hide behind our degree too much, we hide behind our financial success too much, and then when something hits the fan, you know, when shit hits the fan, something goes south. We just don't know how to deal with it because we're just not strong men, because we got away with a lot of shit. So this self-development also creates this maturity level that creates this warrior mentality no pun intended. That can be very, very powerful. And resiliency is partly defined as perseverance and understanding, the confidence of going to the other side through a process and not through that easy door that you open up because that's just erase the pain for a moment. I didn't think about any of these things when I was 38, just so you know.
Speaker 1:So um yeah, I mean it's, it's uh, and and this is my message, um, you know, um, when I go and share my, my content, and when I talk, live in front of doctors, this is my message is to say the better you become, the better you seek the truth and you're committed to the truth, the more you're going to smile because of all the things we've talked about forgiveness, embracing, you know, being bullied, going through I mean, many have gone through so many things, um, but we just don't ever want to confront it.
Speaker 3:Um, yeah, man, it's uh well, everyone's got a story, but everyone has also created a story based on those stories.
Speaker 3:So you can rewrite those stories instead of you again beating yourself up over something that happened, beating yourself up or over how you acted, beating yourself up over how you provoked a reaction and someone else and you taking the full blame for that, or you taking the full responsibility for what could have been an accident.
Speaker 3:There could have been something that was nothing more than a human error. You can rewrite those stories, and that's what I've been able to do, and a lot of those instances is go back and actually talk to that 18 year old kid who just got out of this damage care. Tell him what he needed to hear in that moment. Talk to the three year old kid who was separated from his family and tell him what he needed to hear that everything's going to be okay. Man, this is not your fault. You're stronger than you think. You're going to survive this and proof of it so that you can begin to rewrite these stories in your head. And as you rewrite the stories from the past, you can begin to write some stories in the present that will become much better stories of the future.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you this, gavin what's a pearl you can share with someone right now that they can become a better person or they can move in this direction of having this warrior mentality? What are a couple of things that the group or the audience listening in here can do right away? I can, for example, tell you that in my head I'm thinking get rid of one vice, whatever that is, whether it's porn, whether it's alcohol, whether it's drugs, whether it's having a better relationship with your kids or your wife or your father, your mother, your sisters. I mean, work on something, one that's an issue for you constantly. What are a couple of and we're past an hour now, so we've got to kind of wrap up here a little bit, but give me one or two things that can help somebody listening right now.
Speaker 3:Better removing that vice. Ask yourself why it's there in the first place, and you can only answer that in the absence of the vice. So to do that, I would encourage every man, every person on this podcast, to spend some time alone with themselves every single day. This is best done, maybe, last thing at night. I personally like to do it first thing in the morning, and it's me and my journal, and it's me and nothing else but my thoughts and my feelings and a very honest conversation with myself.
Speaker 3:This is the truth. I'm not being distracted by work, kids, vices, by social media. I'm there on my own. I'm usually be sitting by the lake or I'm usually just sitting in the living room of the house. An honest conversation with me. Okay, yeah, what's going on in your life today? What needs to be addressed? What's got you? What's the dominant feeling today? Okay, you're feeling sad today. Okay, why is that sadness there? Let's go there and then, as I answer the reason for the sadness, I can follow that up with another why? And the more why you ask, the deeper you can go into yourself till you get to the core truth as to the situation in your life today.
Speaker 1:That's if you can be honest with yourself, right.
Speaker 3:You have to be 100% honest with yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's powerful man. That's powerful Because are we really truly honest with ourselves? Okay, well, I'll see you really soon. Bye, when that door is shut, do we honestly speak to ourselves, or are we still trying to you follow what I'm saying, right? Or do we just take the exit?
Speaker 3:The truth will come out either way. The truth will come out either way, and I've found that out. And, as I said, the more you suppress the truth, the more it's going to express itself in destructive ways.
Speaker 1:I suppressed.
Speaker 3:I didn't tell anyone. By my porn addiction Suppressed all the pain from the past. But it expressed itself yes.
Speaker 1:Came out on a webcam dude.
Speaker 3:Came out on a webcam. Yes, on a webcam. Yeah, but me and the ass are pretty fucking hard. Yes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I mean, that's great. Listen, Gavin. How can somebody get a hold of you? How can somebody? Join while doing all your content.
Speaker 3:You type Gavin Mennon into anything and my name, my profile, it's Gavin Mennon on every single social media site. So if there's another Gavin Mennon out there, he's pretty pissed off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the real Gavin Mennon is right here, right, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 3:Yeah yeah, no numbers have my name. Yeah, so that's it.
Speaker 1:Gavin, I appreciate you man. Likewise, I sincerely mean that this was a very powerful podcast for me personally and I genuinely believe and I'll tell my social team to create some great snippets from this I generally believe that we need to share the content from today and hopefully inspire others to seek the truth within themselves and try to strive to be that peer of a man that we talked about earlier in this podcast. So, gavin, thank you, my friend and I see Bruce Lee in the background Are you a big karate kung fu guy?
Speaker 3:Can you kick him in the?
Speaker 1:face right now. Let's see it, man.
Speaker 3:No, we're not doing that. Okay, not doing it on live camera, okay, no, it's more the quote that I like and knowing it's not enough. We must apply. Falling is not enough, we must do.
Speaker 1:So say that again.
Speaker 3:Falling is not enough, we must apply. Walling is not enough, we must do. Yeah, awesome. So it was the quote that struck me more so than the else. Yeah, oh that's awesome.
Speaker 1:So, Gavin Meenan M-E-E-N-A-N. Search it. Search for him on social channels. And, Gavin, thank you so much for your time, my friend.
Speaker 3:On order my man. Thank you.
Speaker 1:All right, wow, that was. That was some good shit. I have to tell you this is why I do this. This helps me personally and I hope if it's helping me, I'm sure it's helping others. But yeah, pretty, I gotta reflect back on what was just said and take a deeper dive into the conversation today. But yeah, thank you. Thank you everyone for listening in Great podcast today. We have a couple of podcasts coming up. September 26th Michael Burt and Jorge Contreras are coming on the same day, different times. We're excited about that. So follow me on social channels. Dr Shaheen Safarian, follow my podcast, shaheen's Corner. It's on all the channels, on the podcast channels. And I appreciate, gavin, and until next time, I'll see you later.