SpeakLifeAZ
The testimony of Jesus in, with, and through everyday people like us. A father and son who were addicts for over 20 yrs. You name it, WE DID IT, TOGETHER!!!! we used to use drugs together now we share about what God Has done for us to encourage the body of Christ and anyone else who may listen to this that is feeling hopeless and empty. LISTEN TO OUR STORY...and the testimony of others who feel led to share with you.... GOD BLESS YOU....TODAY WE CHOOSE TO SPEAK LIFE AZ!!!!!!!!!!
SpeakLifeAZ
Nikole R. Testimony
What happens when life's trials lead you to find your true identity through faith? Join us for a conversation with Nikole, whose journey of faith and recovery takes center stage. Her story inspires as she shares how a Celebrate Recovery event became a pivotal moment, guiding her to embrace her personal testimony. Alongside Nikole, hear Rowdy's intriguing encounter in life, where a faith-filled conversation unexpectedly reinforced his beliefs and highlighted the importance of prioritizing faith over life's distractions.
Transitioning from a traditional Catholic way of life to a deeply personal relationship with Christ isn't easy, especially amidst the profound loss of a child. We explore these transformative experiences with Nikole who faced ostracism from extended family yet found strength in faith. Discover how cultural differences and past traumas intertwine with her spiritual journey, offering insights into how diverse backgrounds can influence one's faith path. The trials of navigating personal identity and relationships echo universally, resonating with those who seek acceptance and belonging.
As we navigate through more personal stories, we tackle challenging themes of addiction, toxic relationships, and self-worth. From the tumultuous ride of abusive relationships to the highs and lows of addiction, we follow heart-wrenching yet empowering narratives that shed light on the power of community, especially within Celebrate Recovery. Through setting boundaries and embracing faith, our stories underline the resilience of the human spirit. Revel in the strength found in community and the profound impact of faith as a guiding force, leading us towards healing and a renewed sense of purpose.
all right, everybody. Welcome back to the speak life az podcast testimony of jesus and everyday people. I'm your host, eddie, and always with me is my son, rowdy jesus. How's it doing, buddy? How are you, bro?
Speaker 2:I am spectacular, bro it was a good day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a lot of work, huh yeah that was the best part, bro, what was the best part? So my boss's wife showed up today oh wow and uh. Out of nowhere she comes over and tells me did you hear? I got a new study Bible.
Speaker 3:Wow bro, I was like no, tell me about it.
Speaker 1:Wow, and we went on this conversation about Jesus and God and how her kids just got baptized and how she goes to church when she's in Iowa. Wow, and I was like what is really happening right now?
Speaker 3:dude. Yeah, it was pretty cool, bro.
Speaker 1:You know how that relationship is so, yeah, I was in awe of that god, because you know we question ourselves sometimes are we really making a witness, what I'm doing really?
Speaker 2:yeah and well, he knows how you used to be bro.
Speaker 1:He saw you when you were stealing credit cards and using dope at the shop and his wife to show up and engage me in a conversation like that was yeah, it was pretty awesome, man. Only god, buddy, I gotta tell you I'm proud of you, dude, why?
Speaker 2:what did?
Speaker 1:I do all the sports that are on today and you scheduled an episode to come and I thought about that today when you shared that on facebook. I was like and we got an episode. I'm like, wow, I'm really proud of that work.
Speaker 2:I got stuff to do, buddy, prioritize. Prioritize things in life, man, it's what adults do.
Speaker 1:I fail to believe that. Who'd you bring with you, brother?
Speaker 2:Man, we are blessed bro. Today we got our sister Nicole. What's up, sis? I'm good.
Speaker 1:How are you Doing? Well, man. Thanks for coming on man.
Speaker 4:Oh, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:Amen. So God made it very clear to us that when his kids give us their yes to come on here to honor them, um, man, we, just we thank you. It's it's an honor to sit down with you. This is not something we take lightly. Um, in our journey so far in this podcast, we've had people tell us no, we've had people say I'm very private, I don't want to talk I don't have a story you know, when someone does say yes, god made it it very clear that's my child, honor them.
Speaker 1:They're stepping out in courage and they're stepping out in faith saying, hey, I'm going to share. So we just want to make sure very clear that we honor you and we thank you for your time man.
Speaker 4:Thank you, it's an honor to be here.
Speaker 2:It's really good. Dad, Nicole, for me, man, this is pretty cool. I just love how God kind of lines things up man, in his timing. The way that we kind of met is through the Forever Family of Celebrate Recovery and I was actually at my first summit over in Saddleback I think. I was sitting in the front row and behind me I hear this guy and this girl talking about Arizona and once the dude I'm like you're from Arizona, so am I, and we just kind of connected, man and um.
Speaker 2:I found out a little bit of your, your story, and um asked you if you had a testimony for CR and you did um, we were able to get you on. You actually just came to LifeLink, Celebrate Recovery, and shared with the group um, which was great, was great we. It was a pretty cool how god used that night to kind of connect some other things um that hopefully you can talk about later. Um, but for me, sis, I think it's just really cool how we're able to do this um, because I I don't know about you or a lot of your childhood, how you grew up you know what I'm saying, but me, I grew up at Phoenix Community Church and there would be a time, almost during every Sunday service, where people would raise their hands and I want to testify, and they would testify of like what God had done in their life that week, or a prayer request that was answered or things like that have done in their life that week, or a prayer request that was answered or things like that.
Speaker 2:But it's almost like the enemy has snatched the testimony of God's kids from a place where we can share it, because it's Sundays at a church. Man, I don't know how yours is, but we're crazy, it's busy around it's nuts. It's hard to really connect and have a deep conversation, um and so for. For me just to have this platform and this, this space to allow God's kids to come on somewhere and share just who they are and where they came from and how God met them right where they were, um, and how he changed their life. It just really, really cool. Yeah, um, dad. Dad asked you before.
Speaker 2:You've listened to one of these oh yes okay, um, so I don't need to make you repent. When our senior pastor came on, man, and I asked her, I was like have you listened to one pastor? She's all. No. I was like you need to or no, she said.
Speaker 3:She said I need to repent.
Speaker 2:I was like oh, that's great dude. So when God gave this to us, man, it was the Speak Life AZ podcast, the testimony of Jesus in everyday people. It doesn't matter if you're like dad man and you're cutting on cars and greasy and welding with metal and fire like myself, making the facilities and the wheels spin around a church, like yourself. Um, we've all got a story, we've all come from somewhere, we've all got a testimony, um. So I think that's what's cool.
Speaker 2:Basically, what we just want today is to know who nicole is, um, where nicole was born. What was it like growing up? Brothers and sisters, sisters, mom and dad, the relationship you had with them, church and the home. Church was God and the home and we know, being involved to celebrate recovery, the hurts, the habits, the hangups, the stuff later in life that we're actually in recovery for. A lot of that stuff can happen when we're kids, those childhood traumas. So just let the Holy Spirit kind of lead you into that. But we just want to know where Nicole's from, how you grew up, brothers and sisters, what was school like sports, and then kind of just get into teenager. But I think the coolest thing we want to get today is your encounter with Jesus, because your Jesus moment is different than my Jesus moment.
Speaker 2:God met dad in a prison cell. At what prison were you in? Florence, florence. I was in teen challenge at 1515 West grand Avenue. I can show you the spot I was at, at the blue altar, on my knees, when God told me I love you, son. There comes a time and a moment when he shows up and it becomes so real and you're like whoa, god is real and he loves me.
Speaker 1:The coolest part about that is he knows. He knew what it was going to take to get me. He knew it was going to be in a prison cell. It was going to be broken. He knew it was going to be him at Teen Challenge being broken and he knew what it was going to take to reach you, yeah it was probably in a moment of brokenness.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean but he knows what it takes to get each individual child and it's so unique and it's so individual per person. That's our god, yeah. He makes it so personalized and so unique that it's it's yours, yes, and he may. He may use something similar for somebody else, but it's uniquely yours, it wasn't your sister's, it was yours. You know what I mean, and so it's uniquely yours. It wasn't your sister's, it was yours. You know what I mean. Right, and so it's. I don't know there's something about it, it's just something it's so personal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why I love our God. He's just such a personal God and knows what we need and when we need it. Yep, and then I think, okay, so then we got the encounter. But then, if you people encounter Jesus, their lives change.
Speaker 4:Um, so we want to know how your life changed, not saying that we're walking in perfection.
Speaker 2:After we encountered Jesus, people relax, but things do change and our lives do change, sometimes not as fast as we want it to, but things start to change, um, and we want to know how your life changed after your encounter with Jesus. Um, and then at the very end sister, you are still young, you have a lot of life left in you you shared one of the things about the book that you're getting ready to, the writings and things. So I want to know, at the end, what God has put in your heart for the future, or maybe to a specific ministry that he's calling you to serve in, or just what is in there that that you're, you're believing him for and go big. Because we got a big God man, uh, I was, I was, uh, we'd been with a pastor one time and he had a big old plot of land and built this little church on it and one time told dad he said, man, I wish I would have believed God for more. Yeah, we got a big God and God will meet you right where your faith is.
Speaker 1:But he'll only give you what you're believing him for Two. You know what I mean. So go big, yeah, because we're going to pray at the end and we've had our listeners on and they're going to pray for you too, and we know the power of prayer man.
Speaker 2:So we're going to shake up our faith and rolling and we're going to see God move. Speaking of prayer, I'm going to pray right now.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I forget guys.
Speaker 2:Relax, dude. There's no format, dude, we're just here. Holy Spirit, jesus, I just thank you for what you're getting ready to do. God, this is a holy moment. I thank you for Nicole. I thank you, lord, for what's getting ready to get shared. Lord, she's been the pen in your hand for a long. I thank you, lord, for what's getting ready to get shared. Thank you, lord. Lord, she's been the pen in your hand for a long time and you've been writing this story, thank you, god. So I just thank you, god, that people who are watching this and people who are listening to this, they're about ready to have their faith stirred, they're about ready to be encouraged in the Lord, knowing man, if God can do that for Nicole and God can do that for me, god can do that for my family. So, holy Spirit, I pray you just use us and have your way in.
Speaker 1:Jesus name, amen, amen, amen. So what was it like growing up, nicole man?
Speaker 4:All right, I am Nicole Ruiz. I was born in Sacramento, California, in 1988.
Speaker 2:80s babies you're an 80s baby right, I was like I'm not going to date myself, but if you want to go ahead, it was a great time. We were the last generation that was able to ride our bikes outside man and out in the morning. Get home when the streetlights are on. It's not like that.
Speaker 1:No more man. Oh man, you guys had the best rap too. Yeah, hey, we did.
Speaker 2:We did Gangsta rap, bro yeah.
Speaker 1:I had a little cool J. You guys had good stuff. You know what I mean yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh Jesus, he was in prison so he couldn listen to that rap. I did All right. So Sacramento yes, 80s In the 80s, yeah 88.
Speaker 4:My dad is Pablo Ruiz and my mom is Karen. They have a cool story. They both grew up Catholic and when they got married I was supposed to have a sister. I have a sister that died as a baby, and the pain of that is what brought them to a saving relationship with Christ so left the Catholic religion and began a relationship. So they were like the first of their families to do this and in doing that, raised us in that way.
Speaker 2:We've had other testimonies on and when families that are very strong Catholic families. When the ones choose to be the I don't want to call it a black sheep or whatever, but they choose and Jesus meets them and they find God and they move from the Catholic faith into the Christian faith, they get ostracized. They get ostracized. They get ostracized and basically like no, you left the church. Is that how it was?
Speaker 4:Oh, absolutely, oh, wow, absolutely Okay, but fortunate for my siblings and I, that's how we were raised.
Speaker 2:How many brothers and sisters you got.
Speaker 4:I have an older brother, adrian, and then my little sister that's here, bianca. Okay, so I'm the middle child.
Speaker 1:Parents saved you from a life of bad knees Right All that knee Up and down up and down, up and down.
Speaker 2:I think they have padding on those things, do they? I don't know.
Speaker 1:It's still alive. I'm just kidding. I'm sorry, that's okay. We'll go on all these rabbit trails.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're going to trail here.
Speaker 4:I'm here for it.
Speaker 1:There's a reason these things take three hours, man oh.
Speaker 3:Jesus yeah.
Speaker 4:So my parents were pretty new to the faith in raising us, so kind of figuring it out as they went like from your earliest memories.
Speaker 2:Do you remember catholic church or do you remember christian church?
Speaker 4:I remember catholic church because if I went and saw grandma and grandpa, um then we were going to catholic church, you know, and I remember trying to keep up with the like you said the healing and and all the, all the repetitive things you say and I remember feeling like I'm never going to get this down- you know?
Speaker 1:Oh wow, what kind of church did your parents appear to? Christian, like Baptist, or just non-denominational, non-denominational.
Speaker 4:Yeah, absolutely Bible-based. So that's what I was raised in.
Speaker 3:I gave my life to the Lord from my earliest memory, when I was about six or seven years old.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, they, uh, it was vacation, bible school, vbs. Yeah they did the altar call and I remember my I was uh sitting there with my mom and I just went down and she kind of looked shocked, you know she didn't tell me to do that, but I felt something, even as a child, and and it went down and gave my life to Christ, Um.
Speaker 4:So, growing up, man, we had beautiful memories my, um, so my dad's Puerto Rican. My mom, um, is a white lady, Irish and um, so their families got along incredible. They are both from back east, both from Connecticut, and so there was some racial tensions. I would say back then, and on both sides, at first it was a little shaky, but, man, as soon as our families got together, Puerto Rican, is that Boricua?
Speaker 2:That is Bor.
Speaker 4:I'm still a work in progress, oh my god, you must know, daddy yankee, oh jesus get back on track focus. We're totally good man it's all good, it's all good, um, but yeah, puerto rican and connecticut. That's interesting yeah, how did?
Speaker 1:he get all the way up to connect well, my dad.
Speaker 4:So my dad was born in new york but, but they left new york um when my dad was young. So he was really raised in Connecticut. But, yeah, his father migrated from Puerto Rico when he was like 17, worked hard, brought his entire family over. So, yeah, yeah, I early childhood memories are so awesome, like because my parents' marriage christ-centered wow we just grew up in such a loving and nurturing home and um wow nothing but good memories with my family. You know my dad worked hard.
Speaker 2:He's a physical therapist and um so there was no addiction, there was no craziness, that you were a part.
Speaker 4:I mean, I'm sure every family has craziness and stuff, you know, but she's part Irish bro, I was just going to say on my mom's side, my mom's mom, my grandmother, was an alcoholic for most of her life and she was abusive to my mom, to my, my aunts and my uncle, to my mom, to my aunts and my uncle. But in her oh my gosh late 50s, I want to say she got in recovery Through the Catholic Church. They had like an AA, yeah, and she got sober Wow. Quit cigarettes and everything.
Speaker 2:We do recover. Yes, we do, yes, we do.
Speaker 4:Amen, but that's what my mom grew up in in a very tumultuous, abusive household.
Speaker 2:So it's in my DNA for sure. I think that that's amazing to hear that and what she experienced in her life growing up. But then, because of the Christ-centered home that you grew up in, you didn't experience that.
Speaker 4:Yes, she was trying to break those generational curses man Absolutely. Absolutely yes.
Speaker 2:So you were the middle child growing up. What was school like for you? How was your grades? Were you a good student? Were you a knucklehead?
Speaker 4:No, I was a good student. Were you a bat? Were you a knucklehead? I was. No, I was a good student, just struggled with always feeling like I never fit in, and there was some childhood trauma.
Speaker 1:So my Caused by other kids.
Speaker 4:Caused by some family. Some family that obviously wasn't living like we were, and at a young age, um, there was just some trauma with like cousins and then, um, subsequently, a few years after that, there was some trauma with my own brother and, um, and I really think it, it did something, uh, change something in my in my mind right, where I was too young to fully understand it, but there was a shift, and so I think that contributed to me in school always feeling like I could never fit in and, but wanting to fit in so bad you
Speaker 2:know, like so, because for myself, I always felt like there was something wrong with me yes like I could. Never I tried so hard to fit in and I never could Absolutely.
Speaker 4:Okay, yeah, and it was something that was hard to identify, but that was the feeling of just. I never felt right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, trauma does that to us, it sure does.
Speaker 3:I mean it?
Speaker 1:makes us question our worth, our value. You know where we fit in, Especially as a young kid, and you're with family.
Speaker 2:Those are the ones you're supposed to protect and are supposed to be safe with. So it's a lot. Yeah, it messes with a young person's mind.
Speaker 4:Absolutely, absolutely, but never really acted out in school.
Speaker 2:Good grades, good grades.
Speaker 4:Yep, absolutely. In high school I joined the FCA. It's the Fellowship of Christian Athletes.
Speaker 1:Come on now.
Speaker 4:Really started to. I mean, my parents always pushed us to go to church but really started to on my own find a relationship with God and a community there at my high school.
Speaker 1:What sports?
Speaker 4:Softball.
Speaker 3:Nice, I was a softball player Nice high school. What sports softball nice as a softball player.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I love it. I loved it, um, but I always felt like I kind of had one foot in, one foot out, because I was of the church or sports, or um, just with with my faith. Um, I felt like with my church, with fca, that I was loved and I was accepted. But then I'd go to school and I wasn't Right and so I felt like I'm, I'm good over here in this world, but why over here in this world, right I, I'm not loved and accepted like that.
Speaker 1:Were you a power hitter.
Speaker 4:Oh no, I had an arm, I was an outfielder yeah.
Speaker 3:I had a rocket. I had a rocket, humbly, humbly.
Speaker 4:Nice man. Yeah, and where I grew up, in Waddell, we were on two acres, so my dad built us like a batting cage out there, nice, and that's where my brother and I he'd be on one end of the backyard. I'd be on the other and I would just work on throwing it. I could throw it all the way.
Speaker 4:Oh, on throwing it, I could throw it all the way. Oh, it was so fun, it was fun. Oh man, I love it, I love it. Um, so yeah, I think that the struggle in high school with feeling like that, feeling torn, feeling like I'm accepted in this world and not in this one. By the end of high school, I was ready to leave my faith behind because I was ready to turn from it because I wanted to be accepted I wanted to be cool.
Speaker 1:I wanted to have a group of people yeah, right, yeah, and um, isn't that strange as a kid. We're just trying to find our place where we, yeah, where we fit in just to be part of something. You know what I mean yes and when we don't find it, we always find the wrong damn people. You know what?
Speaker 4:I mean man we just want that acceptance man. You know what I mean yes, and when we don't find it, we always find the wrong damn people you know what I mean, man, we just want that acceptance man.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean just to be able to fit in somewhere and feel like we belong.
Speaker 4:Yeah, well, and what's crazy is? I kind of had it yeah and I had it with the right people, but that didn't satisfy me it wasn't good enough it wasn't good enough.
Speaker 1:I know man it's why do you think that was?
Speaker 4:Man? I really don't know, because they weren't like were the FCA people?
Speaker 1:like not the popular kids?
Speaker 4:Not really so it was more drawn to.
Speaker 1:I want to be part of that crowd, kind of thing, do you think Sure?
Speaker 4:sure, and I feel like even the people that I was in FCA with struggled. I remember there was a football player that was in the group in FCA, so in the morning we're all talking about God and reading and the Word, and then I remember later that night he went to a party and drank with all the popular kids and I felt like I want that.
Speaker 4:I want to be in both worlds. So, yeah, it just wasn't good enough for me. So at the end of high school I met my first serious boyfriend and feeling that validation, feeling like I'd been accepted, you know, that was pretty life-changing for me.
Speaker 1:You never had no boyfriends before that. No, oh, really Wow.
Speaker 4:He was my first.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he was my first.
Speaker 4:He was my first like serious boyfriend dad protective was my dad. Oh, big time yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:So dad, dad gave the okay for this dude oh no, oh, not at all.
Speaker 4:But what does a teenager do when your parents say no? Hide it, hide it, I love it. Man, you don't even know what love is. Yeah, I ran right to it.
Speaker 1:I hear a country song in my head playing.
Speaker 4:I'm like oh no.
Speaker 1:Man, I'm telling you, Heard that song. She's a Wild One. You heard that one?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's what I heard playing in my head.
Speaker 4:That's about me. She's a real wild one. Yeah, and he was so different from me. I, you know, grew up in this beautiful home, this amazing family, and he lived in a trailer in Tonopah.
Speaker 2:Wait, waddell Tonopah, that's Arizona.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I thought you grew up in sacramento, oh no, no, we were in sacramento for a couple years, um, and then came back really came back to arizona.
Speaker 1:Okay, so your parents were in arizona before they went to sacramento.
Speaker 4:Yes, yeah, my dad.
Speaker 1:You were born in sacramento, though. Right yeah, all right, yeah. What made you guys come back? Um for work, my dad's physical therapy all right, he was out there being trained.
Speaker 4:There's a place out there, folsom um.
Speaker 2:That is like the mecca the place to go for PT totally totally, so he was out there getting trained see, I'm taking prison.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean two different worlds.
Speaker 4:Two different worlds.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking, oh, he's helping the inmates, my bad I'm sorry, it's okay.
Speaker 4:It's okay. That's the way my mind works, forgive me. So yeah, we were out there a few years, but eventually came back.
Speaker 1:So all I know is Arizona. Why the hell, Waddell?
Speaker 4:Oh, because so we had lived in Scottsdale for a while Waddell's small ain't it, I don't know about that.
Speaker 2:It's just wide open land. It's a lot of land.
Speaker 3:It's a lot of acreage out there, yeah, that's.
Speaker 2:Buckeye.
Speaker 4:Way high ten going up in California. Like I told you, we start to see signs for LA.
Speaker 2:It's a two-hour drive bud. I'm taking it next month.
Speaker 4:What was in waddell space? And well, she was saying they were in scottsdale before.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, and my parents hated it, they hated, they wanted to get away from all that, oh so your dad had to drive into town for work okay, all right, that makes sense, yes he wanted to get you guys out of the city is what he wanted absolutely, we had goats and chickens and all farmland I'm jealous it was.
Speaker 4:It was cool. I'm gonna have that later in life.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, that's gonna be my retirement years. Oh, I love it. Yeah, it was great.
Speaker 4:It was a great great. I well, I say that now, but as a kid I didn't appreciate it, because you had to pick up and feed them and all that.
Speaker 2:Like god, I gotta go do the goats, yeah we got attacked by a rooster.
Speaker 1:We had a mean rooster, oh, man you ever had a mean duck chaser?
Speaker 4:Those things are scary dude, yeah, the geese yeah oh yeah, you can't run from them things, they're quick.
Speaker 2:Throw a rock at it.
Speaker 1:Not when you're a kid, you're just like oh my God, get me out of here, yeah and you're looking eye level with them, level with him.
Speaker 2:Yes, all right, so you're in tonopah.
Speaker 1:You are at the end of your high school and you meet this boy who you did not get that approved, no and it's your first one how far is tonopah?
Speaker 4:from waddell um, it was only about 20 minutes really 20 minutes away, still too, I need to redo my arizona map. I'm all over the place so I was out out there.
Speaker 2:I'm just, I'm just thinking that how you're growing up, you're a really good girl. You're a really good girl, you've got it, you're doing, you're not making bad choices. Well, you're just starting to dabble. Oh, yeah, and then this dude doesn't seem like a good boy.
Speaker 1:He was not. This is the I'm going to tell this guy you never drank, got high. None of that stuff, Nothing Really.
Speaker 4:Nothing had my first drink with him. Wow, smoked weed for the first time with him.
Speaker 2:We love to corrupt the good ones. Oh my God, that's the old us. I know Amen, Jesus. Thank you God.
Speaker 1:There's a reason he's in recovery.
Speaker 2:I'm working my program guys.
Speaker 4:I've got accountability in life. Well, and some of the good ones want to be corrupted.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you oh Jesus, so there's a reason I'm in recovery too. Okay, all right.
Speaker 4:So, but through drinking and smoking with him, felt accepted, and I was accepted by his friends and I felt like, okay, I'm finding my people and so, yeah, it caused a lot of tension with my family and started pulling away from them.
Speaker 1:Your dad found out, obviously, oh yeah.
Speaker 4:He was not for it, so that started my lying. I had to lie a lot, you know Sneaking out.
Speaker 1:Sneaking out, yep, was not, not for it. So that started my lying. I had to lie a lot, you know. Sneaking out, sneaking out, yep. You know it's very common for girls that are raised in church, that have good homes, to want to see what the other you know what I mean, and it's we had one of our um, one of our pastors here. We did one of our episodes and we told one of the guests that for someone like us we long to have that good life.
Speaker 1:We were raised the other way. I wasn't raised. You know what I mean. And so when I looked at those people I was like God, that must be nice you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:And I was explaining to somebody on the show that you didn't have to do that. Yes, you know, I mean you had put everything that you needed and she was like I wish I would. Someone would have told me that, yeah, that I didn't have to go see what that was like to have a story, that I still had a story, even being faithful to God yes but you hear that a lot where these, these good Christian girls want to know what the other side is like.
Speaker 2:It's almost like a FOMO. Yeah, the fear of missing out on what?
Speaker 1:are you?
Speaker 2:doing. I want to do it If you're one of those.
Speaker 1:You're not missing out on nothing. You're not missing out.
Speaker 2:You're not missing out. There's nothing else.
Speaker 1:They're just destroying their lives. All you're missing out on is shame, guilt, condemnation, pain, suffering. That's all you're missing out on, man. Sure Ain't nothing good in it.
Speaker 4:But again, my experience was, yes, I had this good life, but I felt like I didn't belong in it. I felt like I didn't deserve it. And so, yeah, there was a part of me that felt like I'm really one of these people over here. I'm not even what I come from. You know what I?
Speaker 2:mean I definitely do so.
Speaker 4:It's hard to stay in that life if you feel like that's not even really my life, you know.
Speaker 3:That's crazy, because I was the other way around.
Speaker 1:I was in that life and I looked at the Christians like I don't belong here. I really belong over there, but never felt like I did. It was like I know I belong there, but this is where I'm at. You know what I mean? Yeah, I was polar opposite of that.
Speaker 3:Wow yeah.
Speaker 1:I grew up in addiction and alcohol and all that other stuff no God. But I always seen the God people and I'm like I really belong over there, but never felt like they would accept me because I'm different. Wow.
Speaker 4:You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, wow, that's interesting.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's very crazy Right.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so yeah, that relationship was no good, no good.
Speaker 2:I stayed in it way too long. Upon graduation of high school, did you have opportunities for college with softball?
Speaker 4:Not with softball, but because of my grades.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:I was accepted into, I think, two different universities. I went to ASU.
Speaker 2:Let's go, sun Devils, sun Devils ASU.
Speaker 4:Didn't even last a full semester.
Speaker 2:It's all right. At least you went.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Well what was pulling me away from it was this guy and I was going to be commuting and I thought, man, this whole education thing is taking me away from this guy that loves me and I love him, you know, man. So gave up an incredible opportunity um what I thought was for love right.
Speaker 2:What were you in school for?
Speaker 4:um, I was going to go for journalism. I was going to go for journalism yeah. I loved writing. I really, really had a passion for it.
Speaker 1:Um can you share some of that with him.
Speaker 2:She still does. Dad. She'll share about it at the end.
Speaker 3:Yeah remind me, remind me to bring that up, he's got this book he's supposed to write that he keeps procrastinating on, we'll talk about that.
Speaker 2:Praise God. Thank you, Jesus.
Speaker 4:God keeps those dreams alive let me tell you.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I gave that up Eventually that relationship ended and it ended pretty badly.
Speaker 4:Abuse and like or just verbal, yeah slightly abusive toward the end, um, um, but so in trying to recover from that because man, my whole identity became that relationship the love he was giving you, oh yeah. And so I remember after the breakup, feeling like I don't know who I am now If I'm not his girl right then I don't know who I am and, without even knowing it, I think what I was sharing with you.
Speaker 4:What's in my DNA, that addiction that I have just in my blood? I started drinking a lot and it was at a bar.
Speaker 2:Um, that how old were you?
Speaker 4:like 20 I was 25. Oh wow, I was 25, oh wow yeah, you were in that relationship that long.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like six years too long really, yeah, six years.
Speaker 2:Well, it was. It was her first love. Yeah, so you were willing to go through and deal with stuff that you never should have allowed yourself to deal with or go through, but because it's your first one, it's like he loves me, I love him, we're gonna make this work. There's a lot okay and I had lost my virginity to him.
Speaker 4:So the the morals that I had, the values had, ironically, from a relationship with God, I thought, well, he has to be my person.
Speaker 2:I gave my part, I gave myself to him.
Speaker 4:so it has to work so that really destroyed me too, knowing I broke that vow to God, and I remember feeling that was part of what really messed me up. After that breakup was feeling like, well, now I'm tainted. Now, whoever I was before, I'm ruined in that way, you know. So that really helped me take a nosedive into addiction.
Speaker 1:A lot of women feel that way. I don't know, I'm not a woman, so I wouldn't know. I'm just curious. Yeah, I mean that's heavy yeah.
Speaker 4:I think it's heavy I think women obviously wow look at sex a lot differently than men oh, yeah, but for women. It's a very emotional thing and and, yeah, I, I can't speak for all women, but I felt like that. I felt like what you said.
Speaker 2:You said tainted.
Speaker 4:I was like oh, my god, yeah, like it's just one dirty yeah, that's crazy, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then. So once you're, once you're there in that mindset, that just you throw off all care and all I'm already tainted, I'm already broken, I'm already dirty, yeah, so then you start allowing yourself to go into things that you never would have thought. Yes, wow, nicole, yeah.
Speaker 4:That's happy, absolutely so. That's the space that I was in when I met my daughter's dad and I met him at a bar. We met in the most toxic way. I was on a date.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I'm on a date and you meet a guy. I'm on a date with somebody.
Speaker 4:It wasn't going well. It was not going well and so the guy kind of wandered off and I wandered this way and, um, I met him and I met him but he pulled my hair and I turned around like offended, like who was touching me in this way, you know. But I turn around, see him and this gorgeous face, this gorgeous smile, and I was like, oh, he said he wanted to see if my hair was real.
Speaker 2:So I took it as flirting and I was like oh.
Speaker 3:Red flag number one yeah, oh, my God, so bad, so bad. Oh, that's great. A couple ways it can go I'm going to get her.
Speaker 4:I know so bad so bad.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's great. A couple ways it can go. I'm going to get her. I'm going to get smacked. One or the other man, let's go for it. He got me.
Speaker 3:He got me. Man don't try that.
Speaker 1:I know Don't, please don't do that.
Speaker 3:Don't, don't, do it. Oh, oh Jesus.
Speaker 4:But yeah, that's how I met him. And we met obviously at a bar drinking and I was kind of going on and off smoking, but then when I got with him he was an everyday chronic smoker. And so I got smoking weed heavy with him, and so, as I'm falling in love with him, I'm falling in love with weed too I'm falling in love with the ritual of it. Yeah, it's a whole thing, man, man and so the two were like coincided, him and weed, you know, and I became there's a connection there.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, oh, absolutely, Absolutely In our house we used to say it was what tied our family together.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:We all smoked weed. That's how we first. Let's get together and smoke weed, yeah.
Speaker 2:I was a teenager and he would work and he'd go out back and have this little biscuit tray that would have his weed and seeds in it and I knew where he hid it I was like oh man, that's how you know we're old.
Speaker 1:I could smoke some of that. That's how you know we're old.
Speaker 2:The weed had seeds in it. Yeah, throwback, but it's how we started bonding together. But through that bond it just grew into crazy other stuff. But that weed will tie you and bond you to people and things. It's real. Yes, pharmaceutica what?
Speaker 1:were you doing for work Because you dropped out of college. You said what were you doing for work?
Speaker 4:Yep, I was working at. It's called the Core Institute. It's a big orthopedic group and started small like in the call center, but really worked my way up. I was doing really well there, Ended up like in the quality department working with legal.
Speaker 1:So really building a career, yes, so you're not dumb, no, you've got money. Very intelligent, very smart, very good work ethic.
Speaker 4:Always been self-sufficient. Wow, my dad always taught me that that even if you don't have an education, you're gonna work yeah and um always prided myself in that I always had a job, and a good job, you know, um. But as I got deeper in this relationship with my daughter's dad, um, everything around me really started to deteriorate and I lost that job, ended up losing that job is is like are you still at this point in your life?
Speaker 2:are you isolated from your sister and away from family and off doing your own thing? And they're like where's nicole, isn't she okay?
Speaker 4:yes, slightly. I was isolated from my parents.
Speaker 2:I think, uh, bianca and I were actually living together oh wow, we had an apartment together, yeah, um, so your sis has always been.
Speaker 4:She's your ride or die she, uh, yes, okay, yes, yeah, there's a little bit we'll talk a little bit about that in a second yes, okay. Well, you know, in an abusive relationship I I did I ended up being isolated from everyone and including my sister.
Speaker 1:So from the time that you met that first guy that took you away from the FCA until now, there's no church going on whatsoever.
Speaker 4:No, and as soon as I was out on my own, I left all that behind, stopped going to church completely. Um, really just.
Speaker 2:How old were you at that time when you stopped and you were just down early 20s okay early 20s yeah okay, um, I just fully rejected it and I've really rejected god well, what, honestly, nicole, what it is now sitting where we are today looking back on it. We just didn't have an encounter with him at the time. Absolutely that's all it was because when we had that encounter, the relationship became real. Before, when we were in church, we were just doing what mom and dad told us to do. This is just what we do. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. So once it almost becomes a, I'm done with that and now this is what I do. That's really what it is. So it was in his timing. When he showed himself to it, it's like oh wow, it's not about just going to church and reading the Bible, it's about you. So, okay, I just wanted to, because I know exactly where you're coming from. That's how I was. I was the same. You're sharing I'm like God a lot of similarities.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:We learn a lot through these things. That kids that were raised in church. It's their parents' faith. It's never really their own, even though you made the choice at five or six to walk up and give yourself.
Speaker 2:Salvation's real. It's still real. I got the same thing when I was a kid, but we're never taught as kids in church.
Speaker 1:personal relationship. Right, I got the same thing when I was a kid, but we're never taught as kids in church. Personal relationship. Yeah Right, we're always told, okay, it's Sunday, let's go to church, and we just, it's never yours really, per se. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:That's the key, and that's why so many kids that grow up in faith fall that way because it's never their relationship Right. And personal.
Speaker 1:We don't tell our kids you need to have your own personal relationship.
Speaker 2:This is what we do. This isn't what I do Now. It's what I do. This is what you do, this is what he does.
Speaker 1:So it becomes personal, but parents lose that when their kids are growing to church, it's just get up and go, because that's what we do. And never really take the time to explain to them. No, this is you have to have your own personal relationship. Make it yours, don't make it, don't follow just because we're following yes, I have two younger kids and I tell them all the time you gotta decide for yourself right, I can't I?
Speaker 1:I made them go to church when they were younger, but once they got to a certain age, I'm like it's your choice now, man. You have to choose that. I can't choose it for you absolutely and one of them still comes, the other one doesn't. But it's, I can't make them. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4:It has to be your choice yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely so. Yeah, the relationship started with my daughter's dad and I think, like all abusive relationships, didn't start abusive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course, obviously. But, it always starts out with just oh. Oh man, yeah, he built me up and you find it ironic that most abusers are quite charming.
Speaker 4:Oh, every yeah, Isn't that crazy.
Speaker 1:It seems like they're quite charming when they want to be and then they turn just violent and nasty.
Speaker 4:He was the most charming person I had ever met and I have naturally curly hair and, but at the time I was straightening it and wearing a lot of makeup and he showed up one day at my apartment in the morning. My hair was curly, I had no makeup on and he had said something to me like oh my gosh, you have curly hair, you have freckles and oh and he just would build me up and made me feel so good about myself.
Speaker 4:I think there's a term love bombing and he loved bomb the heck out of me you know, and just made me feel like no one had ever made me feel before. I thought my first boyfriend was my, the love of my life. And I thought oh no, it's him. Like you know this is so different. Um um. So he really did. He built me up yeah um, so that when the verbal abuse started and he started telling me I'm fat and I'm ugly and I'm undesirable, no one's ever gonna want me and absolutely, because this was the guy that was building me up and making me feel so good about myself.
Speaker 1:That's what narcissists do. Man, they build you up so they can tear you down and they build you back up, so they can tear you down again.
Speaker 4:He had so much power. He was the one who could build me up and comfort me, but it was also the person that was hurting me the most, and that was a mind game that was rough on me because I kept something he would hurt me in some way, and then I'd go to him for comfort and I'm thinking what? What is this cycle that I'm in?
Speaker 1:that's crazy, huh, but I was in it.
Speaker 4:I was absolutely in it um. So, like I shared in my testimony, I um can I ask you a question real quick?
Speaker 1:oh, yeah, yeah, when you were in that moment, when that was really happening, did it ever really dawn on you that what was happening, I mean, did it ever really like?
Speaker 4:Slightly. Did you ever have a moment?
Speaker 1:like what the hell just happened Slightly. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4:But my self-worth was so low I wouldn't even let my mind go there because I was just happy I had someone right I was happy someone loved me and yeah, he wasn't treating me great, right, but he also would tell me he loved me and so did you go to the place mentally where you like. This is what I deserve oh yeah, oh damn, again I'm tainted yeah, this is what. Yeah, absolutely the things we allow. This is my portion. This is the best. Yeah, wow, it's the best I can get.
Speaker 1:That sucks, I'm sorry yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I feel for that girl yeah.
Speaker 3:You know, yeah, I wish I could go back and just give her yeah.
Speaker 4:My heart breaks for her, yeah.
Speaker 2:How long was that? Oh, is this the? This is the one and the one. Oh my God, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1:You went to the bathroom. You missed the beginning. No, bro, I was here for CR dog.
Speaker 2:I heard her testimony bro she's getting ready to get into it, dog. Sorry I have to pee. Jesus, I love giving him a hard time. My bad, sorry, it was hell in the military Finchek. You got to pee again. Oh my God, I'm sorry, we're just crazy people.
Speaker 4:I'm sorry. That's why I fit in here.
Speaker 3:We're all cut from the same cloth bud yeah we are Bianca's over there.
Speaker 2:These people are nuts. Love you, sis. Okay, so you are in your late 20s? Yes, you are with this guy who is a total narcissist, controlling your ass, manipulating you, making you feel like a princess, but then, in the same damn day, making you feel like a piece of crap. Yeah, just, you're on this roller coaster.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Okay, are you working, you're at this core institute, so you do have this job and this career and this money, and so it's like, even though home is hell and that ain't, I have this and this, this. So this is kind of a good thing in your life and making you feel like, well, at least you know what I'm saying, right, yeah, because if I was in that situation and dealing with that at home, it was almost like, oh, yay, I get to go to work. Yay, right, oh, yeah, okay, okay, absolutely. I'm just trying to figure out where you are mentally at this point in life, yeah, yeah, would you say it?
Speaker 2:was draining.
Speaker 4:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I mean because I can imagine this high of being built up, where you know there's a sense of euphoria, a sense of I'm everything he wants. You know what I mean To be followed by this. I mean it's this high-low point where there's no. You know what I mean, there's no like time to get your bearings. It's just this very high to this very low moment, absolutely.
Speaker 4:And back to this high again, back to this very low moment, absolutely. And back to this high again, back to this low. That's got to be very taxing, yeah, yeah absolutely, and drugs were mixed in.
Speaker 2:Okay, so it was. It was it was. You didn't know what you were going to get on any given day. Do you think the alcohol and the drugs helped?
Speaker 1:you to stay in that kind of thing I think or to kind of numb it and make it not quite so bad. Yes, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4:Yes, oh man, I can think of times where we'd get a really bad argument and our way of making up is he would start rolling a blunt.
Speaker 2:And when.
Speaker 4:I saw him doing that, I thought we're going to make up now.
Speaker 2:We're going to make up.
Speaker 3:We're going to smoke and so everything's good.
Speaker 4:And so yeah, oh yeah. So about a year, not even a year a few months into our relationship I got pregnant, but the verbal abuse had already started there was already a fear I was getting of him.
Speaker 1:How long before he started to verbally abuse you. Oh, a few months. It was just a few months in that quick.
Speaker 4:Yeah, he told me he loved me after two months, so it really was. It was a whirlwind yeah we, we moved pretty quickly all right um, and I think it was about six months um that I got pregnant and, um, I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready and I already had a fear.
Speaker 2:Um you know I was afraid of him and did you guys, did you guys start sleeping with each other right away?
Speaker 4:oh, yeah, yeah, oh, right away oh wow god dang yeah right away um. So that's a whole yeah it's a whole lot, man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because, like you said earlier, man, what guys get from sex is way different than what girls do yeah and so, oh man, it's just a whole nother thing that guys use to control and manipulate, and yes, dang yeah we use the wrong l word for what we're really trying to accomplish. Yeah, I mean I'm feeling lustful right now.
Speaker 1:We use the love word when really it's just the lust word and please me it. I have a young daughter she's like 22, and I always try to tell her just don't let that be the word that gets you, because so many men just throw it around just to get what they want. Absolutely. And if they don't get it, they'll. Oh, you don't really love me then and it's like that's not love man. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Speaker 4:Absolutely, that's crazy.
Speaker 1:Men, that's not love man. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. That's crazy. Men are nasty, disgusting Jesus we are. I hate my species, I really do.
Speaker 2:We're going to be the light for them, god. Yes, jesus will speak life into these men of this world, god, so they can know you, lord, and who they really are.
Speaker 1:Yes, but it's even weird because you got these guys who claim to be christian. How many times we heard of cr testimony where I've met this good christian man? It turns out he wasn't a real good christian man. You know what I mean so even they're even putting on this false pretense that they're a man of god to get what they want. And it's like who the hell can you really believe, right?
Speaker 1:you know I mean it's like I don't freaking know, it's just frustrating as a man to see that men are frustrating as hell, you know I mean myself included.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying I'm any better than any of them yeah, we're all, but it's like, it's like yeah I mean, it's really frustrating, I'm sorry the one, the one with me that I kind of feel god calling me to is with. I can't tell you, nicole, how many girls we've had on this thing, man, and whether it's through the foster system or family or people, they could try that where they were used and abused as kids, man, it's like damn guys, yeah, what are you freaking doing?
Speaker 2:So that's the one where I feel God really me specifically able to go into jails, prisons, rehabs facilities and really tell man, the way you're thinking about women is not right. Right, you know what I mean, because it's all we know, it's what we just ugh. And it's crazy how it happens, but it just gets worse and worse and worse.
Speaker 1:I think about kids that are growing up now with the internet and how women are just you know what. I mean, they're based upon their beauty and their bodies and things like that. Now these young men are growing up with this. If you don't look like that, you're not. You know what I mean. It's just. It's freaking horrible what society is teaching men. You know what I mean. For me it was different because it was I'm god, I'm old, but it was.
Speaker 1:You have gray hair buddy, it was, it was pictures of models that my brothers and stuff and I would have on the wall these beautiful women. It's just and the swimsuit edition. Yeah, it's just somewhere along the line we got to teach these young men that that's not the end game. Come on, buddy, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:The end game is not. That's not what makes a man. You know what I?
Speaker 1:mean yeah, yeah, it's not the notches you can get on your belt, it's totally different.
Speaker 4:It needs to change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or somebody would change that? Shit. That's our job and what we do and the people that we're with. I just cussed Dang it. It's okay.
Speaker 1:There's grace. There's grace bud, I'm just frustrated.
Speaker 3:My bad. Okay, let's get back. Yes, see, Sorry.
Speaker 2:It's okay, some stuff just really irks my craw it does you just said irks your craw? What the hell does that even mean? I don't know bud.
Speaker 3:I went south real quick. Yeah, you did Louisiana. You went to Louisiana.
Speaker 1:Good Lord.
Speaker 2:This is great. I love it. This is wonderful, Nicole. No, I love it. This is great.
Speaker 3:I love the rabbit trails. They're fun. I love it, they're fun.
Speaker 4:As you know. I want to say, though, as I tell my story, I never want my story to be. I was this innocent victim, and he's a monster. What I know in recovery is hurt people, hurt people, Um, and he was a victim of abuse as a as a kid, and so it doesn't excuse anything.
Speaker 2:Um, he only knew what he knew, man Absolutely.
Speaker 4:And I don't want this, my story, to ever come across as men are bad, men are. No, it's not that, and I played a part in all of it Absolutely so. I just want to say that.
Speaker 1:We're the ones that say men are nasty the ones that say men are nasty.
Speaker 2:It's the men.
Speaker 4:That's why we need jesus. Guys, give your life to jesus absolutely so you're in this tumultuous relationship yes he's become verbally abusive yes and um.
Speaker 2:You're pregnant, I'm pregnant and how old are you?
Speaker 4:when you're 28, I was 25, 25 yeah and um, I was terrified and I was not ready. Um and man, I remember meeting with my mom and telling her um, which that was. That was a tough meeting and watching her heartbreak, because I was not just telling her that I was pregnant, I was telling her that I was planning on having an abortion and I needed her to drive me because I was. This is so hard to talk about. I was 13 weeks and so at that point there isn't just a pill you can take. I had to have a medical procedure. It's called medical procedure.
Speaker 4:Medical procedure it's called a vacuum aspiration where I mean they literally? Vacuum it out, yeah and um, I had to be under like twilight sedation so I wasn't going to be able to drive after and um did mom take you to that? She sure did, wow, she sure did, um man, god she sure did.
Speaker 2:Wow, man, god bless you, mom.
Speaker 4:I know Wow as heartbreaking as that was, though I think man supporting it is a strong word, but I think she was so against the relationship.
Speaker 2:But this is your daughter. Yeah, this is her daughter. She's the one to. I'm going to help you, nicole Right, and be there for you, nicole Right, I'm gonna help you, nicole.
Speaker 4:Be there for you, nicole but I knew because of her faith that she didn't agree with what.
Speaker 2:I was doing.
Speaker 4:I mean, I don't agree with what I did, but when you're in survival mode, right you the things you'll do, man exactly so around that same time, after I had that procedure, I had gotten a dui for drinking and driving and, um, I needed to do my 24 hours uh prison time.
Speaker 2:So I uh or jail I was gonna say I was getting ready to correct you only go to prison if it's longer than a year you're in there for a night, sweetie.
Speaker 3:Hey, that was a rough 24 hours.
Speaker 1:I did that standing on my head girl. Come on man, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 4:That was the worst 24 hours of my life.
Speaker 2:That's good, then it worked.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Then it worked. Yes, it didn't work with me. I was like, oh, I could do this Me neither. I'm like, yeah, this is fun and you're going to feed me. And I got a bed to sleep on. All right, dude, let's go commit some crimes. You mean I get to beat somebody up and not get in trouble. Let's go.
Speaker 4:Oh, my God dude.
Speaker 2:I hated.
Speaker 1:Jesus, oh man. My first six months in prison was such a blast that I went back a month later. He's like I want to go back. Dude, I played volleyball. I smoked weed, got high with my friends and played volleyball. I'm like dude this is awesome.
Speaker 4:That's rehabilitation right.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 2:No, it's not.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh no, it lasted a month when I got out, went back for seven and a half years. I'm like, yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 2:That's why the recidivism rate is so geez. Yeah, Because it's really like a boys club. It's really what it is.
Speaker 1:It's just like boys to be boys and there's no rules.
Speaker 2:Well, there are rules and stuff, but it's just crazy.
Speaker 1:It's up to you to follow. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, but it's not about us. We're here to talk about you.
Speaker 4:Yes. So again part of the fear that I had for this guy I was not going to tell him that I chose to abort that baby, so I lied and told him I had a miscarriage.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:And I remember.
Speaker 1:What was the worst part of doing the day. I'm sorry, what was the worst part?
Speaker 4:Of telling him or the procedure Doing the day in jail.
Speaker 1:What was the worst part Of? Telling him or the procedure, no, doing the day in jail. What was the worst part? Oh, every minute of it, Having to strip and put on the clothes.
Speaker 4:How dirty it was. I had just had that procedure, so not to TMI, but I was bleeding still and it was just.
Speaker 1:It was horrible. Was that fresh? After that you went oh yeah, oh wow, oh yeah, Wow, so fresh after that that you went.
Speaker 4:Oh, wow, oh, yeah, wow, um. So you had gotten a di a little bit before that. Then, yeah, okay, yeah, it was just before that um that I got the dui, so um where'd you do?
Speaker 1:I had tempe scostell tempe millab are you still living around asu no, I was in phoenix really I was in phoenix, but I always.
Speaker 4:that makes no sense to me. I always drove far to party. I don't know why, but Mill Ave back then was the place.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we were in Mesa and we'd drive to Mill Ave.
Speaker 1:Yeah, up and down the street oh yeah, we used to cruise mill back when you could cruise mill more than two laps.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, he's all proud of it.
Speaker 1:I did it in the 70s and 80s and it got to a point where they saw you go up and down more than twice.
Speaker 3:They were telling you to get the red and blue. It's time to go, bud.
Speaker 4:Yeah that night drove me nuts too, because all my nights of drinking and driving um and I did it a lot that night I only had one drink, that's it.
Speaker 2:It just wasn't.
Speaker 4:It was kind of an off night it was saint patty's day and just really wasn't feeling the night. But I decided to give this girl I met at the bar a ride and she was throwing up out of my car.
Speaker 1:Oh geez, that's why the cop pulled you over, Yep cop noticed her.
Speaker 2:It's always the company you keep.
Speaker 4:Geez, I'm telling you, isn't that?
Speaker 1:the worst, yeah, have one drink and still get a DUI. Get a hold of yourself, pounded and drove and never got caught. All the nights I was literally driving blacked out.
Speaker 2:Those are the nights. I don't get a DUI.
Speaker 4:But the one drink night.
Speaker 1:That's hilarious, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:God's laughing about that one.
Speaker 3:I know I got protection on all those nights.
Speaker 1:I'm going to let this dumb one get you. I know he's like I got protection on all those nights. I'm going to let this dumb one get you he's got a great sense of humor. He does.
Speaker 4:A great sense of humor.
Speaker 1:He chuckles. He's up there going. Look at these kids of mine.
Speaker 2:Come on, they think they know what they're doing.
Speaker 4:We don't have a clue.
Speaker 2:None.
Speaker 3:Not a clue. Love you, love you, lord, so Lord.
Speaker 4:So yeah, so I got the DUI, did my night in jail get out and immediately I'm looking to go back with my daughter's dad Again, the person that always hurt me the most. He was the one that comforted me the most I remember something really painful comforted me. The most I remember something really painful. We had an argument and he had told me that he was glad that I had a miscarriage Wow, and that the words he used were I'm glad that baby died in your fat belly, Damn.
Speaker 4:Right, and this is the person that as soon as I get out of that jail I'm running to him. So that's kind of where my right, my head was at Like this person said god-awful things to me and I still went to him.
Speaker 1:I still went to him because he comforted me. It's crazy how our comfort spot becomes our most crippled.
Speaker 2:It's an abusive spot sometimes. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:We know it's abusive, but it's also our comfort spot because that's what we're familiar with.
Speaker 2:It's all we know. Yeah, you know what.
Speaker 1:I mean, and familiarity creates comfort, even though it's not a good place, right, we're just familiar with it, so that's what we go back to when we need to feel something. You know what I mean At least we're feeling something. Yeah, and though it's not good, we're still like, okay, I'm feeling here, Even though it's you know you're crushing me.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I'm feeling. You know what I mean, absolutely. It's. What is so rough about the cycle of abuse is it's hard to get out of that yeah. It's hard to get out of that cycle.
Speaker 2:Well, where would you have gone? What would you have done?
Speaker 4:I could have gone to my family my loving, supporting, you know, family, I mean could have went back to the church. At that time I mean there were so many better things that I could have done, but didn't, but didn't.
Speaker 1:Was there a fear to return as a failure? Oh, absolutely, really, absolutely.
Speaker 4:That still. That tape was still playing in my head that I'm tainted.
Speaker 2:I'm ruined.
Speaker 4:and now look what I've done, Like I thought, losing my virginity was bad.
Speaker 3:Now look what I've done. You just had an abortion. Oh yeah, I've committed the ultimate sin. Thanks, sis.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Now, I have no self-esteem at all at this point.
Speaker 2:There's girls that are going to listen to this, that are going through and feel exactly how you felt, man.
Speaker 4:I really hope and I hope that. I can inspire people to get out of that, you know, and that.
Speaker 2:What would you tell somebody right now if they're in what you were in?
Speaker 4:Oh man, run to God, run to God, run to God. How different my life could have been had I run to my Savior and known that he would have met me right there, even after everything I had done knowing that he would have met me there with love and grace, unconditional love that. I didn't have to do anything. I don't have to clean up for God.
Speaker 1:I can come to him as dirty and as awful as I felt, as tainted as you felt, as tainted as I felt. Yeah, come on man.
Speaker 4:And he would have embraced me. But that's not my story.
Speaker 1:And that's not what I did. That's what I love about the prodigal son, and the story of the prodigal son is you see this Israelite who's in the most horrible place. I mean he's wallowing in pig poop and food and all this other stuff where we're totally unclean like you probably felt unclean. You know what I mean and God still ran and met him when he came home.
Speaker 4:You know what I mean and it's like he asked his dad for his inheritance and his dad was still alive I relate to that story so much where, like you were talking about, I grew up in in riches, and I don't mean that money wise, I mean with a good family and such a good examples foundation and I said forget all that.
Speaker 1:I want to do things my way. I love that you used that word riches man. That was so freaking awesome dude it was.
Speaker 4:My family was rich in that way.
Speaker 2:A good home is full of riches. Come on man, Absolutely man.
Speaker 4:I love that story.
Speaker 3:I relate to that story.
Speaker 4:And then how his father greets him when he comes and and he has this thing in his head, right of what he's going to say to his dad and his dad's like we're throwing you a party and I'm going to put you know what's crazy on you.
Speaker 1:I did a research paper on that. I had way to do a research paper on one of the parables and I'd choose that one. And did you know at the time that was written? Israelite men did not run for fear. Oh, there's a lot in there For fear that their tonic would fall open and they would be exposed. Oh wow.
Speaker 1:So here you see, this image of the father running to the son at the risk of his tonic falling open and exposing himself to go meet a son who did what he did, but yet he was still willing to have this exposure, to run and and not wait for him to come home, to go meet him where he was at, and willing to expose himself running to meet him. That's different man, that's different.
Speaker 3:That's different than just all the father ran to meet him.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's different man. Oh, that's different. That's different than just all the father ran to meet him. No, he was willing to do a lot of stuff in that moment to go meet him. Yeah, that's god, it's good.
Speaker 4:It is god, that's god good it is absolutely god yeah so, um, get back in the relationship, you know, resume this relationship with this guy. And um, during this time, his mom is, uh, battling stage four breast cancer. Um, so he wasn't working. His job was to take care of her and his siblings. Um, and so, at her house.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yep, absolutely. I ended up, uh, leaving my apartment, moving back home with my family. Um, he was in Buckeye and at that time my parents are in Waddell, so it was a close drive and I moved back home with my family, but I was always at his house, always at his mom's house.
Speaker 1:What led to you moving back to your family's?
Speaker 4:What's that?
Speaker 1:What led to you moving back to your family?
Speaker 4:I lost my job at the Core Institute.
Speaker 2:So you lost a place.
Speaker 4:Lost my place, yep.
Speaker 1:He was staying at his mom's taking care of her were you guys staying together at the apartment at the time, unofficially he was there all the time, but he never officially moved in it was my apartment she had the good job and the money he was the loser on the couch.
Speaker 2:That's usually what they're doing controlling and manipulating. There you go.
Speaker 3:All right, I'll just he was the loser on the couch bud.
Speaker 2:That's usually what they're doing man, and then they're controlling and manipulating. Where are you?
Speaker 1:at what are you doing?
Speaker 2:It's like God dude.
Speaker 1:Get a life. Don't be that guy, please don't be that guy.
Speaker 4:No, no, no.
Speaker 2:I don't mean to laugh, dude. I'm sorry.
Speaker 4:No mean to laugh, dude, I'm sorry. No, we have to. You know we have to, or?
Speaker 1:I'll cry a lot. I think the best part about doing this. As we look back, we realize just how silly how crazy we were being.
Speaker 2:You know, we knew it all and just how like damn we were dumb you know what I mean so that's why we laugh.
Speaker 1:It's not because the situation's hilarious or it's funny, but we're looking back in reflection of like damn, we were stupid you know what I mean yeah, yeah, and just what god has brought me from. Yeah, and thank god he did I just don't ever want our listeners to think that we're taking light what's happening because, we're not it's. It's serious stuff, but we're looking back and reflecting, thinking how stupid we were.
Speaker 4:Yeah you know what I mean. It's really what it is.
Speaker 3:A hundred percent, yeah A hundred percent.
Speaker 4:So obviously I'm staying at his mom's a lot, not really home with my family. So even though I'm living with them already began kind of the process of isolating from them. And one plus one equals two and I ended up getting pregnant again and this time I could not bring myself to go through what you just had to, went through absolutely it's a lot um, it was a lot emotionally and I and um and I just couldn't do it.
Speaker 4:And what's so crazy is, at the time, my perception is him and I were in a good place, but even then I thought I'm gonna have this baby. Even then I thought I'm going to have this baby, even if it means I'm going to end up by myself.
Speaker 1:Had things changed in the relationship at all.
Speaker 4:It was good we were at a good place. I was still getting verbally abused, but I thought we were at a good place. I'm growing close with his family. I'm helping you know, with his mom and I'm very close with his family. I'm helping you know, with his mom and I'm very close with his mom.
Speaker 1:So you're not working either, so you're both just chilling at the house. No, no, I was working. Oh, you were working. Oh, yeah, that was 2014.
Speaker 4:That's when I started working for my dad.
Speaker 1:All right, my dad at this time, yeah Went back home. So when you went home you started working for your dad. I sure did. How was that relationship when you went back there? It wasn't great, no, I'm sure.
Speaker 4:It was not great. I think I've never asked my parents this, but I'm sure that they saw signs of the abuse before I did.
Speaker 1:Did they ever say anything to you, oh?
Speaker 3:yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but just like with my first boyfriend I don't want to hear it I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4:He loves me. I love him right you were justifying it.
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely, absolutely um, and then bringing you back into the house. Man, I'm sure dad's like what, oh what you doing over there he's watching, he's kind of waiting for you to screw up and mess up and go, whatever you're gonna absolutely, and that I remember that being a tough conversation having to come home and say I'm pregnant, um, and I'm having this baby, and did your dad know about the first one, or just your mom?
Speaker 1:wow, I don't think my dad knows really to this day.
Speaker 4:I don't think he knows. My mom knows, I don't know if my dad knows I to this day. I don't think he knows. My mom knows I don't know if my dad knows I would have that conversation, not that it's a secret yeah um and what if he watches this?
Speaker 3:oh, he knows, love you, dad.
Speaker 1:I know, sorry to tell you this way life's a trip man I know, I know God is good.
Speaker 3:God is good, god is really good.
Speaker 2:We made it back, dude. We made it back. The best is yet to come, Dad Amen.
Speaker 3:Amen.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 1:Okay, him being Puerto Rican, that would be kind of devastating, wouldn't it? Yeah, just being a man of faith. I don't know what their culture is but I really more for my dad.
Speaker 4:It was being a man of faith in that. It's not how you do it. You know um.
Speaker 1:God says you're usually pretty tight knit, families aren't they Absolutely All about family, I think. Oh, yeah, right, absolutely. Absolutely I know the Irish side and I know we're just like like your mom's side drunk and craziness. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4:I don't know about the other side, but I think, because that's where my mom came from. She really um loved my dad's culture and accepted that more than her own. And so she was with that too that she wanted that and yeah, absolutely, absolutely Amen. Um, so staying together and yeah, absolutely real good, absolutely amen. Um, so yeah, as soon as I found, 2014.
Speaker 2:So what are you?
Speaker 4:you're 30, I am 20, I'm 26 okay I'm 26, I had my daughter when I was I had turned 27. Okay, or so maybe I'm 27 at this point. Um and so when I was, I think, about six months pregnant, his mom passed from cancer. She was fighting to stay alive to see her first grandbaby, but it didn't work out that way, yeah and seemed like so.
Speaker 2:That was a. That was quite a long fight she had.
Speaker 4:Oh, yeah, two years. Wow Two years she fought Wow.
Speaker 2:That's a lot.
Speaker 4:It is, it is, and I really admired her. She was a single mom and so, without even knowing right at that time, there was a connection there with that woman. But yeah, so she passes, and I'm about six months pregnant at this point and my partner had just took a nosedive into depression. And because that was his only parent. That was a devastating loss.
Speaker 4:Right, and so I really at that point started to feel on my own with this pregnancy and trying to figure that out and allow him to grieve and just kind of figure this out on my own.
Speaker 1:Were you guys still living at her house?
Speaker 4:No, At that point we got our own place. All right, trying to you know. Prepare for the baby to come and have her own spot.
Speaker 2:Is he working?
Speaker 4:No, yeah, yeah no.
Speaker 2:Um, in all these years in relationships, did he have jobs? Just here and there Was he selling weed and just trying to make money.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, absolutely Nothing. Um nothing lasted a long time. Um, but, but at this time I excused it.
Speaker 1:I thought he's grieving right? This is not. I was gonna ask you about that.
Speaker 4:Yeah, oh, I excused. I excused a lot, for sure. I was working full-time.
Speaker 2:I worked all the way up until I gave birth because I had to I had to right um you got to do what you got to do, man, whatever it takes yeah, dang, was he helping out at all with like bills or anything? No, but he at least do the laundry and like cook god man, dudes man, do something with yourself hey, but, but I accepted it right
Speaker 2:yeah we allow we heard this thing one time and it was a video about husbands and wives and it was like dudes, if you don't like what you see right now, it's all on you because you've allowed this. And so it's a lot of times like that man where if you're looking at your situation and you don't like what you're seeing, it's what you cultivated, what you have allowed to grow and to become.
Speaker 1:Ever heard of Miles Monroe, dr Miles.
Speaker 2:Monroe. Oh yeah, grow and to become Ever heard of.
Speaker 1:Miles.
Speaker 4:Monroe, dr Miles Monroe, love Dr Miles Monroe, great he says that.
Speaker 1:He says man, god will never give you a finished product. He gives you raw material. It's up to you to cultivate the perfect woman in your head, god, man. So when these men get with a woman and they end up with something they don't like, they created that. Yes, it's. You did that by your words, your actions, the things that you did. So if you're not liking what you ate, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:It's like planting a seed of corn and you end up with cow dung.
Speaker 2:You're like wait a minute, no, you planted corn. You're like I wanted an apple tree, not corn. Like dude, you planted.
Speaker 1:And it's true. I mean, I'm sure it goes the same way for women and men too, but for a man, being the head of a household, you have to cultivate.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. It's our job to nurture, to grow, to speak life and to what you want.
Speaker 4:Absolutely, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 1:If you want a woman who's dominated and overpowering, then be a douchebag. You know what I mean. Yeah, overpowering and be a douche bag, you know? I mean yeah, yeah, but he didn't know god right.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying so he only there's a way that seems right to a man. But in the end, it leads to death and destruction. And just when it's a man doing what a man wants and thinks man, just it's all bad. It's the romans one, where god gives the man over to the depravity of his mind because he's not willing to put god in his right place.
Speaker 1:I'm impressed that you know Dr Miles Monroe, just so you know that that impresses me man, he's one of my favorites and so is Tim Keller. Come on, Tim Keller is man you know he predicted his own death no way Dr. Miles Monroe he did he predicted his own death. Wow, he prophesied about it. Pretty crazy that's pretty. I love it every time I get a young man at cr or something that I'm that. I'm that I'm helping. I've been there in a relation or trying to get a relationship.
Speaker 2:I told him go watch some dr miles before you ever get into a relationship.
Speaker 1:Go read the seven things a man needs before a relationship and you'll know where you're at.
Speaker 2:But I have love language, yeah yeah, oh yeah that blows me away.
Speaker 1:Youott, I ask a lot of people. She's been working recovery bud.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's right. She's working this thing.
Speaker 1:Yes, I am, but that's one that a lot of people I ask and they're like who's that? And I'm like, oh, dude, you're missing out. He is the most profound pastor on relationships. Yes, the way that dude preaches on relationships, Relationships, just blows me away. It was like God gave him insight, knowledge about what it was supposed to be.
Speaker 4:I'm like so good man so good so good Rabbit trail yeah. My bad, my bad RT RT.
Speaker 1:Yeah they're fun.
Speaker 4:So I was about. I was six months pregnant when the abuse turned physical for the first time I was going to ask.
Speaker 2:This is the first, so this whole time he's never. Just emotional and words and control and manipulation, but he never put his hands on me.
Speaker 4:No, but. But like what I've researched about abuse is it doesn't start with them hitting you but they'll hit things around you. It doesn't start with them hitting you, but they'll hit things around you, and I remember him one time before this punching my rearview mirror and then throwing like a glass of water at me. So he didn't put his fists on me, but he would often hit things around me Objects, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:So from the verbal it went to that to now. I'm six months pregnant and it's the first time he's put his hands on me Wow. And I think at that point I was pregnant, I'm hormonal and I'm frustrated and I don't remember even what I asked him. I asked him to help around the house with something and he snapped, and he's using a lot of drugs at this point.
Speaker 1:Is he a big man?
Speaker 4:Is he a big guy?
Speaker 1:Is he a big man?
Speaker 4:is he a big man? Is he a big guy is? He a big man, um not not he was, he was an ex-football player and wrestler, so he was big and stocky in that way, but not tall all right, um sorry, I'm just trying to picture in my head what this guy looks. He was he physically very strong, yeah, very, very strong, um and so him hitting you had oh, you felt it, it had some oh that's some smoke behind it, oh absolutely um where did he hit?
Speaker 4:you he grabbed me, he grabbed me by the throat and lifted me up the wall um while you're six months pregnant while I'm six months pregnant, and so when he dropped me, I remember not cradling anything but my, my bit, my belly right because I don't want the baby to get hurt um, but again excused it in my mind that this is grief he's grieving and I I should have been better I should have.
Speaker 2:What did I do? I made him. I said I asked him to do that, so it's my fault that he did this, I triggered him. Wow, yeah, wow, there's a whole side of this thing. That is just a darkness that you're trapped in? Yeah, God and it's all in the mind.
Speaker 1:It's a process and a cycle that grows and becomes, like you said, this justification now, now, oh, it's my fault.
Speaker 3:And it's.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:It's heavy.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm taking deep breaths over here, and you are the one that lived it. Yeah, jesus.
Speaker 4:And that was just the beginning. Once I had my daughter, it definitely went from an every now and then to then it was an everyday. Okay, an everyday thing now and then to then it was an everyday, okay, an everyday thing. Um, I remember what made me nervous is when, um, he started to feel comfortable doing it in front of other people.
Speaker 1:Um, his addiction go deeper.
Speaker 4:Oh, yeah, yeah, oh it went from weed to pills to I mean, there's still things I'm sure that I don't even know so when his mom died he kind of just oh, he went off the deep end.
Speaker 1:Really he went off the deep end, and you never did any of that, you just sticked with the marijuana and stuff. Oh, absolutely Really.
Speaker 4:Well, we'll get to that.
Speaker 1:Okay, I eventually dabbled.
Speaker 4:But yeah, so the abuse got worse. I remember his sister was visiting us at one point and again, everything was on me always and I remember we were trying to go somewhere and I asked him help me, help me with the baby, and um, so I remember he took her, he had her in his arms and he just reached back and slapped me right across the face in front of his sister whoa and I thought, okay, this is reaching a new level. It was one thing if it was in our home and it's just us.
Speaker 2:I can protect it and lie about it and play it off, yeah absolutely um, and it just continued to increase from there.
Speaker 4:Um, I remember if we would get an argument and I would try to go to walk away, he'd kick my legs from under me so I'd fall. Damn um was still throwing objects at me. We had this aluminum trash can that looked like it had been shot up. There was dents all in it from times.
Speaker 1:He would throw it at me wow um did he continue to be more abusive in front of people? Oh yeah, really. Oh absolutely. Or if it wasn't physical, it wasating me.
Speaker 4:It was verbal in front of his friends, to where his friends would get uncomfortable.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:And say, like man, don't talk to her, like that you know, and so.
Speaker 1:Did any of them friends ever ask you are you good.
Speaker 3:Yeah, oh, often, yeah, often, and I would say it's fine, it's fine, and you still depended on him oh yeah, he's just in a bad.
Speaker 4:it's just a bad day. He's still grieving his mom you know, and this is years later.
Speaker 1:Where do you think that comes from the sticking up for him, even though he's abusive? Where do you think that comes from? She felt?
Speaker 2:loved.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's sad to say, bro, and we had a family. Now we had a family now. We're going to make it work.
Speaker 4:Absolutely Got to make it work.
Speaker 1:You think that comes from your lack of self-esteem and stuff like that.
Speaker 4:Absolutely Because.
Speaker 1:I think at that moment, if you valued yourself, you would think this is not okay.
Speaker 3:I don't, freaking, deserve this yeah.
Speaker 4:And I didn't feel that. I did not feel that Damn I. Often in my testimony I talk about my daughter a lot because she, she saved me you know from that situation, and it was when she got older. I I officially left him when she was two years old. Um, he had started to hit me in front of her.
Speaker 3:Oh, wow.
Speaker 4:She'd be right there in the room and never abusive to the daughter, though.
Speaker 1:No Praise God, yeah, praise God, thank God, praise.
Speaker 4:God for that protection and I thought I don't want her seeing this. I don't want, because I don't ever want this to happen to her. I don't want this to become a learned behavior where she thinks.
Speaker 3:Oh, men, that love you hate you.
Speaker 4:Jesus, yeah, absolutely love you. Yeah, jesus, yeah, absolutely. Um. So there's an incident in um may of 2018 that it was different than all the other times where it was an incident where he hit me, punch me, whatever it was. This was like an attempt on my life punch you like. Oh yeah, really oh, he got me in the nose one time and I was gushing blood and rage.
Speaker 2:Did he just rage? It just rage and just flip out. It would.
Speaker 4:It was like a switch he eventually got diagnosed he was bipolar manic depressive um. So that switch started to make sense. It wasn't anything I was doing, it was it was him it was him, yep yeah and drugs enhance that oh, oh man, and, and he was, he was using a lot. He was using a lot, um, so, yeah, that event in may of 2018, um, it lasted about four hours holy crap crap, the whole attack.
Speaker 2:My.
Speaker 4:God.
Speaker 2:You were fighting for your life. I was fighting for my life, holy God.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it was an attempt on my life.
Speaker 2:It wasn't like the other times Four hours it lasted four hours.
Speaker 4:I remember my face was stinging from sweat dripping into cuts on my face man. I was exhausted, exha like exhausted, exhausted afterward, everything hurt. He had I lost consciousness at one point during that attack. He had choked me until I lost consciousness. I still don't know how I didn't lose my life, but I was able to regain consciousness and keep fighting Wow my life. But I was able to regain consciousness and keep fighting wow um.
Speaker 1:so he was arrested that next day for aggravated assault. How'd he get arrested? Yeah, who called the cops? I did come on I did.
Speaker 4:That was the first time wow, um, what changed?
Speaker 2:how do you, yeah, how'd you feel your daughter?
Speaker 4:and and I think that was the first time I realized he's gonna. He's gonna kill me if I keep allowing this something you realize, man this is I don't deserve this absolutely. This is not right, absolutely, wow um because you justified every other one absolutely.
Speaker 2:You made excuses for all the others, but it was the daughter, yeah the daughter really saved your life.
Speaker 4:That's why you made the call it was her, it was her, and because, if she, if she wasn't there, you would have made excuses and justified it again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but because of her was that the worst one?
Speaker 4:it ever was.
Speaker 1:Oh, that was the worst was before that was it, just like one hit here. Yep, that one was one, where it just it was like a razor relentless.
Speaker 4:It was relentless and I just thought he's not gonna stop until until I'm dead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, well, something you changed and realized this is different. This is not just him hating me.
Speaker 2:This is something different right, all right, right, um good for you man, thank you yeah it's crazy that it took it to that level for you to call and start to make the changes.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:But at least you did. But you know what, if you?
Speaker 1:listen to most abuse stories. I mean not to make yours not yours, but a lot of them are that similar have that similar pattern of justification and sticking up for them. And it gets to that point where, like you just had, where I almost died- yeah. And then they make the change.
Speaker 2:Something's got to change.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Life and death. Yeah yeah, the statistic is it takes a woman seven times to leave an abusive relationship. So yeah, so he was arrested. I didn't press charges.
Speaker 1:State sure picked him up, though, didn't they?
Speaker 4:They did was arrested um I didn't press charges state. Sure picked him up, though, didn't they they? Did yeah for four months. He did four months in jail, really that's yeah, really um, but again, I didn't press charges. Maybe if I had pressed charges maybe it would have been a little more, more time. But that's crazy he did four months every time the state picked up charges on me.
Speaker 2:It was years, my first time going in someone else's houses. They came at me with 16 and a half years. That dude, freaking, did that in four months.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I don't get the justice system. Justice system needs fixed. I don't get it.
Speaker 2:That's crazy.
Speaker 1:But you get four DUIs and they'll give you 10 years, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah, don't drink and drive, but almost beat a woman to death and you get four months, four months, four months.
Speaker 4:People, man. So I move out of my apartment. I move in with my sister. We get a place together.
Speaker 2:This is 2018.
Speaker 4:This is 2018. Yeah, yeah, my daughter.
Speaker 2:Your daughter is.
Speaker 4:Just turned three.
Speaker 2:Three.
Speaker 4:She just turned three.
Speaker 2:So she was born in 15?.
Speaker 4:In 2015. Okay, yeah, okay, yep. And so I went the four months without seeing him, got an order of protection, but, man, there was this pain that I had that I couldn't shake, and it was a mix of what I had gone through physically, emotionally but then, because of where my mind was at was missing him. I still missed him. This guy almost took my life. But codependency.
Speaker 2:I there, it is, man there it is.
Speaker 4:It was alive and well in me, and so we have a group for that. Yes.
Speaker 1:Did you still have the mindset of who's going to love me after this?
Speaker 4:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:So I got to hold on to this, this one even though he's doing these things, because who's gonna let me now? Who else would want me right? And especially now absolutely and I've had layers yeah oh, the layers of all of it, all the hurt, right I mean those how you shame and stuff like that, just to keep us bound man devil.
Speaker 2:It's real, it's real, yeah, absolutely so I'm living with my sister.
Speaker 4:Um, I pick up weed again because that's my, that's my go-to, that was my comfort, and I'm smoking heavy. I'm smoking every single day, but it's not touching the pain, it's not working like it used to, right? So my uh, my ex gets out of jail. Um, he lived with a family friend to try to get back on his feet and reached out to me, broke the order of protection, um, but I complied because at this point I was thinking we've never gone four months without seeing each other.
Speaker 1:This is a long how long of a relationship were you guys in?
Speaker 4:um, at that point it had been four years.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 4:Yeah, got together in 2014. So in 2018, yeah, we were together four years, so something was unfinished at that point.
Speaker 1:You endured that crap for four years.
Speaker 4:Man, I know that's a lot. And an attempt on my life, and I still didn't leave.
Speaker 2:I still wasn't ready.
Speaker 4:So, again, this wasn't right. You know um but four years of verbal and and physical abuse do that to you too.
Speaker 1:It does a number on your mind yeah right, just breaks down your self-worth, man oh, I had nothing.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I had none.
Speaker 2:That's what's crazy is you're literally working the good job and paying the bills and providing for everything. And here's this dude, not treating you like a queen, but treating you like a POS. Right, it's like dang dude. Yeah, you literally had one, bro, and ugh, yeah, man, but again it's a guy that doesn't know God. Yeah, because when you don't know God, you don't know who you are, and I don't know who I am. I don't know who you are.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and I didn't know who I was. It's really what it is, because I had rejected God, so I didn't have God in my life. I'm trying to do all this on my own. So he breaks the order of protection, reaches out, and it's all under the guise of I want to see my daughter. Can we do visitations?
Speaker 2:Him To you. Yeah, I want to see her. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 4:And I was all for that because I wanted her to have her dad, yeah, and he had never shown abuse toward her. So I thought, if me and him have to separate, that's fine, but I want her to know her dad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thought, if me and him have to separate that's fine, but I want her to know her dad not ready to do that yet.
Speaker 4:Yeah, um. But what those visits turned into was him and I doing drugs together and he introduced me old, old pattern.
Speaker 2:This is what we do together, and it was an old comfort and I wanted comfort at that time and so he introduced me, said I'm doing this new thing.
Speaker 4:Let me show you these little blue pills. Oh my God, perks, perks, perks, yep the blues.
Speaker 3:The blues.
Speaker 1:Perfect name for them. They are the blues. I can't think of a more perfect name for those.
Speaker 4:And so, because of our drug history, it was no big deal.
Speaker 1:Up until that point, you've never done nothing like that right.
Speaker 4:Nothing like that. We did coke, we did maybe we did Molly one time.
Speaker 1:But nothing crazy. Nothing crazy, no, like regular use of stuff. No, we were potheads.
Speaker 4:I was a big pothead, but it is a gateway, right, and you get comfortable with that, and so I was comfortable trying anything and with the pain I had. I just wanted to try something and he told me this is going to numb you out.
Speaker 1:So I was all for that. So let me ask you this. So when you? I know for myself when I went to the next drug, it was because I was still feeling things I didn't want to feel. I just needed something else that would make it go away.
Speaker 4:Is that?
Speaker 1:what you were looking for.
Speaker 4:Yeah, because, like I said, the weed wasn't numbing me like it used to.
Speaker 1:I wasn't feeling good.
Speaker 4:I didn't want to feel anything.
Speaker 1:Do you remember the feelings you were trying to escape?
Speaker 4:Yeah, shame, yeah Hurt Loneliness.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Man Any negative emotion? I was feeling it. I was feeling it. Thank God for CR.
Speaker 1:We know how to process those things now, man you know what I mean.
Speaker 4:Thank God for CR.
Speaker 1:That was the one thing I loved that I got back was God was like okay, I'm going to let you feel again and I'm like cool, and I felt sadness and I'm like no, he's like hold on.
Speaker 4:I know Sit in it.
Speaker 1:There's a reason you're feeling this.
Speaker 3:And I'm like okay.
Speaker 4:And I way he introduced me again.
Speaker 1:I don't know if this is okay to say but we were smoking it, and so you put it on the foil burn it, smoke the-.
Speaker 4:Smoking the dragon Chasing the dragon man and I remember the first hit.
Speaker 2:If you're living with somebody and you're finding tinfoil and they've got black streaks all over it, they're in the middle of a fentanyl addiction?
Speaker 1:Absolutely I don't think they do Percocets anymore, do they?
Speaker 2:It's all fentanyl, bro. Is it all fentanyl?
Speaker 1:The Chinese got rid of the heroin. It's all fentanyl now.
Speaker 4:It's so cheap it's crazy, so cheap, so yeah, I remember that first hit and I just remember feeling warmth and just nothing. I mean nothing and I don't remember getting addicted instantly. It took time. I remember actually it scared me a little bit because I was out and I couldn't function, I couldn't function. I remember getting sick a lot, getting like violently ill, but kept chasing that feeling because that feeling going back right, the insanity of it, but to not feel that pain. I wanted that.
Speaker 4:I wanted that and in a sick way it was him and I bonding again and kind of recreating what we had and um, it really does just make you feel numb oh it really makes you feel nothing at all nothing at all like you just do not exist in that moment. It's just all these stressors could be happening around you and it's just nothing I remember, I remember.
Speaker 1:It's almost like I remember laying in my bunk and laying in my bunk in prison and just like where I was no longer in prison in that moment I was gone, I was just, it was the tv.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you're all warm, it's just the tv.
Speaker 1:You're like inside the tv. Everything around you disappeared and in this moment you're just not in prison yeah, that was the only reason I used heroin in prison was because I just didn't want to be there no more. So I'd get high and I'm not in prison, no more.
Speaker 4:Absolutely, and I wasn't here anymore. I wasn't in my circumstance.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I feel that completely Take me away, take me away.
Speaker 1:Not like that, I know Not like that not like that, jesus yes, it really the crazy thing about addiction is is it's really this? It's crazy, man. We're all just trying to escape something. That's right that hurt.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean that hurt and that pain and the people who say that, oh, you made that choice.
Speaker 1:Well, no, I kind of did, but I also didn't know how to deal with the things that I was feeling. And the people who say that, oh, you made that choice. Well, no, I kind of did, but I also didn't know how to deal with the things that I was feeling. Yeah, nobody told me as a kid that it's okay to feel that way, you just hurt.
Speaker 2:Actually, they told me no, or you know what I mean. I'm not supposed to feel that way, yeah.
Speaker 1:And it was like again. The one thing the CR taught me was how to process my emotions Tools emotions.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:As a young man at 15, not knowing how to process my emotions. The weed allowed me to escape. I didn't have to feel sad, I didn't have to feel rejection, I didn't have to feel anything that made me feel like crap.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:I could just smoke weed and not feel anything.
Speaker 4:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And so just yeah, it's crazy how anybody that I know that's an addiction is escaping from something they're running from some kind of hurt, some kind of pain, some kind of anything that they're trying to not feel yeah but the reality is is that if you just allow that pain, that feeling to have its place, yes that it hurt for minute.
Speaker 1:It's only going to hurt for a minute, but process it. The other side is freedom. Man, it really is, yeah, but they feel, like most people that I know that start to get off drugs. They get to a point where they feel that feeling again and they get scared so they go use.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Where they'll just allow that hurt, that pain to have its place. It don't last forever, absolutely there's freedom on the other side of it. Yes, it really is. That's why we always run back to addiction, because I'm starting to feel that, so I'm going to run back to what I know I don't have to feel that no more with. So we run back to our addiction you can escape.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's crazy what we're dealing with absolutely absolutely vicious cycle yes, so you are in, it's 2019. Yes, you've got your four-year-old. Yeah, you are Smoking blues. No, you're not with your sister.
Speaker 4:Yeah, we still live together. Oh wow, Yep.
Speaker 2:So she watched you.
Speaker 4:I would never use at the house, no, no.
Speaker 2:It was always Okay, so you had some. It was always with him, yeah, okay.
Speaker 4:It was always with him, so you did have some.
Speaker 2:What do you call those? What do you call those Things that you just oh no, I'm not going to- bring a chick to mom's house.
Speaker 4:What do you call it? You know what I mean Kind of boundaries.
Speaker 2:But not really.
Speaker 3:Some messed up boundaries, okay For me.
Speaker 1:I was good as long as I wasn't using needles.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you For me, I was good as long as I wasn't using needles.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what I mean. As long as I'm not putting a needle in my arm, I'm good.
Speaker 3:Not like them. Yeah, I'm not that dude.
Speaker 2:You know what I?
Speaker 1:mean, it's like I'm not putting needles in my arm, so I'm good. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4:Jesus, yeah, this whole time I'm using I thought I don't have a problem.
Speaker 1:I just dab have a job.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for now, for now all the things we tell ourselves yes, god, yeah, I quit my job so I could go steal copper. He literally did, bro, making a thousand seven hundred bucks a week. I'm gonna go steal copper, I'll make more money, honey, my mom let him yeah, what's what you gonna do six months later he's going to jail prison for four years. I hit one good lick.
Speaker 1:Jeez, that was the amount of money I would have made in a week, in one day, and I'm like, oh hell, yeah, I can do this every day. Oh jeez, the lies we tell ourselves the one thing I've learned through all this time is there's nothing that beats a guaranteed paycheck on Friday.
Speaker 2:Go to work.
Speaker 3:There's nothing that beats that.
Speaker 2:Because it's going to come every Friday as long as you go to work Knowing you worked for it. Yeah, that's what it is.
Speaker 1:It's knowing that I put my time, my effort, my sweat, all of it into it and then, seeing it, it's like, yeah, I was a drug addict for 25 years and I robbed and stole everything and I can tell you, the things that I cared for and took care of the best were the things that I bought with a paycheck. Yeah, the things that I stole didn't have no value.
Speaker 4:Yeah, they were just things, yep.
Speaker 1:So when that $2,000 watch I stole was gone, I was like, so what, I stole it, I'll go get another one. You know what I mean. But the thing that I busted, busted my butt for and worked and had to go buy, you're taking damn good care of that. You had to put some sweat into it yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I tried to bring it back, but I was like 2019,. You're living with her.
Speaker 1:And then you.
Speaker 2:I kept fired up dude, I can't help it bro, it's all good bro. This is good man. There's room for the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 1:Now I know why.
Speaker 2:I get exhausted. That was taxing dude. He's sharing all this wisdom.
Speaker 4:I need it. I need it.
Speaker 1:Trust me I get fired up sometimes. I can't help it. Great buddy, I was telling him earlier, I'm Irish too, so I get fired up Full of hope.
Speaker 4:Yes, yes yes, he's a hope dealer, praise god. So, yeah, 2019, um, it just slowly started to. My dependence on it definitely increased. Um, I remember my dad had some surgery at that time and had um I want to say it was like tramadol at the house, but he is so against all of that so that bottle was full and so to kind of hold me over till I could get back over there and use, I would just pop his and um all of a sudden that bottle was empty.
Speaker 4:And that was, I think, the first time he kind of approached me and was saying what's going on? And but again I was in such denial, oh, you know I just yeah, just messing with this. You know shouldn't have done that Still in denial. And what I started experiencing with my ex is as the we got deeper into addiction. He started abusing me in that way with the drugs, and although I was supplying everything, I was buying everything.
Speaker 1:He was controlling it all.
Speaker 2:He controlled everything.
Speaker 4:This guy here was bad at that.
Speaker 2:I bought it all. He used to drive me nuts, we would do lines on the hour or at the bottom of the hour, but we're not just doing a line because you want to just do a line, but you got to wait until 7 or 7.30,.
Speaker 1:Doug, he had this schedule that if we do this much this time, it'll last us down here. I'd have lines in the. He wanted to control my addiction. Here was the thing. Right, we would go in to do our lines. I would do all mine, he would do a half of his, and then, like 30 minutes later, he's going back in there, I'm like all right, let's go.
Speaker 2:And I go back in there and he's doing his other half and I'm like what are you doing?
Speaker 1:He's like oh, we got another. I'm like another, I blew it all out. I'm like screw that stuff, dude. I'm like let's get high and go to the moon or let's.
Speaker 2:He was pissed. It's all or nothing. All that coke was on the floor. You guys are just getting a little glimpse into it. Oh man, it was hell.
Speaker 1:If you could get me and him to sit down and tell our story together, it would be insane. It would the stuff that Jesus, God, help us.
Speaker 2:It's only God bud. The only reason why we're breathing is God. I'm telling you.
Speaker 4:I'm telling you, I'm telling you.
Speaker 1:I wish it would have been easier, but I'm thankful for the things that I've been through.
Speaker 4:I was going to say sometimes I'm thankful it wasn't. I'm thankful for the suffering.
Speaker 1:So here's something I've dawned on. Right I'm 52. I found the Lord probably late 20s, early 30s, and I see these people who have been Christians all their lives and they're 30, 40, 50 years old, no fire. They look miserable.
Speaker 2:No fire. I don't see joy in them, you don't see them preaching the gospel.
Speaker 1:You don't see them sharing Jesus with people. They just come to church, do their little routines and it's this routine. Yeah, and I see that and I'm like praise God. I'm so thankful I found the Lord later in life yeah because I still have this zeal, this fire inside of me.
Speaker 1:That's like I'm telling people about Jesus, whether they want to listen or not, I mean, and so it's like I don't ever want to be that person, that I'm not so on fire for God, that I'm not telling somebody about Jesus yes because to me that's dead yeah, I don't want to be dead, absolutely I don't care if you still love God and you're still reading your Bible every morning, but if you are not on fire and you're not sharing the gospel with somebody, man, come see me, I'll fan your flame. Man.
Speaker 4:You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I don't know why the hell. I just said it. Why was I saying, saying that?
Speaker 4:what were we talking about?
Speaker 1:the holy spirit get us back on track, brother, I need you on this one.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, I'm all over the road, bro.
Speaker 1:Somebody reel me back in. Holy crap. Yeah, I'm sorry. All right, I'm gonna sit back away from this mic. No, you're kidding so 2019,.
Speaker 2:We're at your apartment and it's getting worse.
Speaker 4:Yes, and it's getting worse, faster. Yes, let me. Oh man, this is rough to admit. So yeah, like I said, he had been staying with a family friend and I wanted to help him get a place. But as a felon, you can't you can't get your own place. Um, I helped this guy get an apartment. It was in my name, I paid the rent on it and I never lived there. Wow, never lived there, but it was our spot to. He lived there and it was our spot to get high god yeah, um yeah, that was an expensive uh um, it wasn't.
Speaker 1:It was in the not good area, so it wasn't too bad but I'm just saying to pay rent and stuff just on a place to get high, that's just yeah expensive hey but the things you'll do right to get high.
Speaker 4:Yeah, um, you're still living with her at this time um, no, I think at this point I moved back in with mom and dad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, that's right, because you were still on dad's pills. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah. Moved back in with mom and dad so I wasn't paying rent.
Speaker 1:So Okay, that makes sense now. So yeah, yeah, no extra cheddar.
Speaker 4:Still wasn't a good choice. Still working, absolutely still working for my dad. That's her thing, man. Yeah, she's always worked, absolutely working for my dad, um, thank god.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank god, nicole, because of how beautiful you are and the thank god you had that job yeah because I'm telling you, girl, oh yeah, with the the beauty, and if you wouldn't, have had that it could have got real bad, real bad. Nicole, praise God that your parents still let you come back. Thank God for them.
Speaker 4:Sometimes I don't understand how, but they had Christ in them. They loved me unconditionally.
Speaker 2:I have to be good, go inside and lay down damn it, it's this, hope it's this hope that maybe this time will be different, and it's that hope it really is.
Speaker 1:Parents just want their kids to be good, have a good life, and even being an addict myself and seeing him go through it, it was still this come on, man, get it together, dude you know what I mean yeah, um, yeah, so we would I go to his apartment.
Speaker 4:We get high together, um, but he was controlling everything and our, like everybody, our bodies reacted differently yeah and so there was times where I would say I I need to get it, I need anymore. I need you know and I because I would start to withdraw and he didn't believe me he thought I was just being greedy, so I'd be sitting there withdrawing. So oh my god crying, begging him just give something. He would do the drugs in front of me but wouldn't let me.
Speaker 1:Oh Jesus.
Speaker 4:So it was a different form of abuse you know Self-inflicted because I was. You know, I was fully purposed.
Speaker 1:Still, in his narcissistic ways, it's controlling it's. Yeah, yeah, he just found a different way to control you Absolutely.
Speaker 4:Absolutely so. I started behind his back getting my own supply and the dependence got so bad that I'd be at my at my job. This is my dad's clinic, his name's on the door right, and I'd be smoking in the bathroom oh damn and it's a bathroom that like the patients and everybody, like they're walking right by and I don't know if you've ever smelled that smell it, smells it's horrible. It's this like chemical horrible smell.
Speaker 2:You're smoking pills in the bathroom.
Speaker 1:I'm smoking pills in the bathroom. I used to smoke dope in the bathroom at work. Right next to my boss's office is me and they're banging on baby powder to make it smell good.
Speaker 2:We had like the air freshener and I thought I was covering it up with that.
Speaker 3:I thought you're gonna have the paper towel rolls stuffed with dryer sheets. You won't smell it, oh my god.
Speaker 4:But then on me and I know that, oh, that smell addiction man, I'd be at the I would sit at the front. So I was the people, the person that people saw when they came in and I remember nodding out and people coming up and I that's what fentanyl does, bro.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'd be standing up smoking a cigarette yeah, nodding, I was just burning yeah, you good bro yeah I'm good, yeah, wow.
Speaker 4:So that went on a little while, until my dad pulled me aside one day and he was like what's going on? What is that like? What are you doing?
Speaker 1:you think people were said something to him? I don't know do you think he just got?
Speaker 4:I think he just was scared for me and he didn't know what it was and um wanted, wanted to figure this out and so offered to send me to to treatment, to detox. I ended up going to Copper Springs. There was a part of me, I think, that was relieved, that.
Speaker 3:I got caught.
Speaker 4:Right, yeah, because in the cycle of addiction, like you get to a point you don't know how to get out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you don't know how to get out, but you're sick of it Stuck Right and I was sick of it, sick and tired of being sick and tired. Amen.
Speaker 1:There. There's a reason. When we hit jail, we're like ah yeah, I get to sleep and eat for a month. Oh, it's over, it sounds stupid.
Speaker 3:It's real. It sounds crazy, but it's real.
Speaker 1:It's real, you know you get to the jail and you're just like relief.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you know what I mean, absolutely, so I'm glad you didn't have to get to jail to realize that.
Speaker 2:Me too. That was way earlier though bro that broke her.
Speaker 3:She's like one day I'm good.
Speaker 2:I don't ever want to go back to that dirty place.
Speaker 1:Those people are nuts. She just quit drinking and started smoking pills. Yeah, like I'm not drinking no more. No, DUIs.
Speaker 2:That's a normal transition right From alcohol to fentanyl.
Speaker 4:Right oh my God Insanity.
Speaker 2:And everything in between. Yes, so I did my. I did my week at copper springs. Thank god that mom and dad were able to help you and oh man what?
Speaker 1:were the first couple days like oh, it was bad again.
Speaker 4:My, my body reacted differently yeah and the withdrawals were.
Speaker 1:They were hell yeah, they were hell they are um they tell us a little bit about them um oh man, just so people that don't know understand just the severity yeah, I see your cover the knees, the elbows in there punching my legs and the it's like your skin's crawling. Oh, it's like you're ants and stuff under your skin and oh my gosh, and I would thrash I remember like thrashing about.
Speaker 4:They had to put the uh sweats, yep and the um the bracelet on me because I was a fall risk. I kept hitting my head um there at copper springs and so the what the protocol is for suboxone for the medically assisted treatment, is you have to go 24 hours through your withdrawals and then they give you the meds.
Speaker 4:I found out the hard way. My body needs like 72 hours, so I went into precipitated withdrawals when they gave me the Suboxone and that's like withdrawals times 10. And I mean, I thought I was dying. I literally thought I was dying. I hit my head real hard. They ended up having to give me Ativan to get me to just kind of calm down, what kind of van?
Speaker 1:I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Vitamin A Just kidding man.
Speaker 4:Good old Vitamin A, yeah. So the first few days were rough. Toward day, like four or five, I just started to feel like myself again and started feeling that hope and feeling normal.
Speaker 1:I remember feeling like I just want to be normal. Oh, that's all we ate in there was candy, Because when guys would come in jail coming off heroin, I mean they'd be hurting so bad we'd have to give them a Milky Way or something. Yeah, I don't know what it did for a heroin addict, but for some reason sugar just really helps.
Speaker 4:Yes, it's the dopamine right. We need, because that's what the pills did. I remember my doctor telling me it makes love to your brain, right, and so the only thing that kind of recreates that is sugar.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Is you know, know that stuff that makes you feel like that. So, um, yeah, I did my seven days, um, immediately when after that seven days went back to smoking weed in my what I thought of recovery, as I was like, okay, I'm back to the norm I'm back to just smoking weed, and this is good and but I was smoking with my ex and he was still doing pills and selling them and so wanted to come around to show people again that delusion.
Speaker 2:Look how good I'm doing. Look how good I'm doing.
Speaker 4:But going back to the environment, I got sick in Biggest, biggest mistake I made, and so that lasted a couple months of me being sober, and then I slowly fell back into a relapse, with him just being around all that can't be an alcoholic and go to a bar and act like you're gonna be good right, I mean it's only a
Speaker 1:matter of time before you're like I. Well, I can just have one.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and man, that relapse, it was hard, I know they say what's that word they use for displacement when you move to a different. You know trying to.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:The relocation aspect of recovery.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It does work sometimes. Sure, does you know what I mean? Yeah, because you've got to separate from people in places you're comfortable with and who you know, into a different area and if you're still insistent, you'll find somebody there anyways. Yeah, but sometimes that relocation really does work.
Speaker 4:Yes, you know what I mean. Oh, absolutely, yeah, absolutely, and sometimes I wonder had I just stayed away from him?
Speaker 2:yeah maybe I would have stayed sober, um, but god, god works everything, god knows there's gonna be a lady in the future that you're going to be able to minister to, that's in the middle of a relapse that you relapsed. Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I have one under my boat. I know how you feel, buddy, absolutely.
Speaker 1:You went back to your comfort zone, didn't you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, you did. We know, I know.
Speaker 2:I know, we have a buddy who's still struggling with that.
Speaker 1:It's. It's real man. The struggle is real. Yeah, he keeps going back to the same neighborhood, the same people, and we're like dude, you can't keep going back there and expecting to stay sober right and he'll stay sober for a month, two months, and then, and we don't hear from him again. It's like damn dude. As soon as we don't hear from him, we know he's gone yeah, it's like all right, all right he's back.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, absolutely yeah. So yeah, this relapse was hard and man things got bad really quick.
Speaker 1:Did you ever get into heroin actual heroin or just pills?
Speaker 4:No, just pills.
Speaker 1:Really.
Speaker 4:Just the pills. Fentanyl is stronger than heroin.
Speaker 2:And it's cheaper, and so I thought why go for some weaker when I've got this? You're going to do it, do it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, oh God, nicole, an addict thinking hey, I have the brain of an addict.
Speaker 1:I forget you guys are younger than me. I forget Fentanyl wasn't around when I was using.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:Yeah, praise God.
Speaker 4:Yeah, amen for that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you go back to doing things that you know you ain't supposed to be doing. After you get right, the hell happens so much faster, oh man, so much faster.
Speaker 4:So much faster. So very soon after that he lost the apartment. He got kicked out.
Speaker 3:The one that was in your name, the one that was in my name, oh wow.
Speaker 4:Yep, and so I out, and one that was in your name, the one that was in my name.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I put him in a seagull suites, one of those you know. Hotels, weekly weekly rentals, weekly rentals never heard of seagull, oh good, nothing good happens in those I heard a bunch of suites. Those are always fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, same thing, yeah same thing yeah, oh god n Nicole, you were a keeper Is that like downtown.
Speaker 4:Phoenix, it was 51st Avenue.
Speaker 3:51st Avenue and like McDowell, it was a rough rough area.
Speaker 4:Damn Rough place, how'd you get over there. How'd you get over there? The apartment was at like 67th and Glendale Really, so we were just looking for something close by, something I could afford, Um and yeah, so he just kind of we hopped around from all those.
Speaker 1:Joy.
Speaker 4:And um.
Speaker 1:Those were always fun times.
Speaker 4:Oh man, it was bad, um, but uh. Something that is so hard for me to admit, but again it's. What saved me is I had my daughter with me the whole time. So I brought her with me everywhere, even though I was living with my parents, could have left her there in a safe environment. I thought I was being a good mom by bringing her with me Right and never just ditching her and leaving her, which is horrible, I know.
Speaker 1:I got stories about kids oh yeah.
Speaker 2:My mom would disappear all night and make me babysit. She'd leave me some dope. I used to take them with me. At least I could get high, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:I went to go do this hit one time and my wife was gone and I had the kids. I'm like, let's go, kids. And so we go to this construction site. They're sleeping. I'm over there stealing stuff and I hear them crying, so I go get them. I'm like, come on. So I throw them over the fence with me. We're going on this construction cycle here. Hold all this copper and take it back to the truck. They're like okay, dad, you know what I mean. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Dumpsters every time we pull behind big lots.
Speaker 2:Oh God no Dad.
Speaker 4:We're not going to the dumpsters again, are we toy? It's all bad. Give him a broken toy. Here's a broken toy. Yeah, don't tell your mom. Yeah, oh man, she. I know she was living off like vending machine food and, um, it was bad all she did used to have 49 cent cheeseburgers you remember those days? Oh yes, but that was not around when I was in active addiction, that's rowdy.
Speaker 1:There was plenty of times that my kids ate 49 cents.
Speaker 2:What do we have for dinner?
Speaker 1:Cheeseburger Burger King.
Speaker 2:What do we have for dinner?
Speaker 1:Cheeseburger. It was all I could afford. It was all I had the money for. Yeah right, I needed to get dope.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:You guys are eating, though I used to go to breakfast and they ate, you know what. I mean, but it was never good.
Speaker 2:I don't know who's getting the healing you or her. Whose testimony is this bud? We both are. Hey, we both are. This is great.
Speaker 1:That's why we share.
Speaker 2:He was living with his friends, and so we got over to their house and I'm like the kids are hungry, I gotta go get something.
Speaker 1:So I went to I think it was fries right around the corner and I had a gift card and so I get two donuts and milk. Go to the counter to pay. Gift card was denied, so I go back out and I'm like I gotta get something to eat. So I go back in, grab the two donuts and the milk and head out the door. They got me, arrested me for shoplifting, took me to to jail Wow.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Dad went to get breakfast and never came back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Wow, yeah, yeah, addiction man.
Speaker 4:Yeah, horrible, it's rough.
Speaker 1:I left my wife, two kids and a dog sleeping in the back of a little S10 Blazer because we were out of money, had no place to stay and I needed to go do a lick so I can get a motel.
Speaker 1:At least you know what I mean. Yeah, and so we parked on the side of the road. Truck was broke down. I left in the middle of the night to go do a lick. Came back they were pissed. My wife was just pissed. What the hell did you do? Just leave us here on the side of the road. You know what I mean? I was like I had to go get some money.
Speaker 1:I got some money. Let's go get a motel. You know what I mean. Yeah and uh, yeah, addiction will make you do some dumb things. Man, dark, dark, dark times. Oh yeah, man, dark times.
Speaker 4:I remember having to. All the money was going to drugs right, always does. But I had to feed her, and so I remember standing outside of a gas station and just begging people just buy her something to eat please, I don't need anything. I don't want money. Just buy her something to eat. And the looks that people would give me right like disgusted just disgusted at me. I remember one old man bought her something.
Speaker 1:Come on.
Speaker 4:And so thank God for him. But that was a low point.
Speaker 1:God saw you, buddy.
Speaker 4:whoever you are, God saw you, man, oh man, yeah, so it was.
Speaker 1:Those are the things you don't tell people about, isn't it?
Speaker 4:oh, it's hard it is reliving.
Speaker 2:It is just like reminds us where we were, think about how far we've come.
Speaker 1:But those are the parts of addiction that really break us oh, man that really make us feel like the end of ourselves, it's not the addiction that makes us feel low. It's moments like that right there.
Speaker 4:It's moments like that.
Speaker 1:When you're at the bottom of everything and all you can do is just beg somebody. Hey, help me out here in this moment, man, you know what I mean. And those are the things that we don't like to tell people about. No, because those are the.
Speaker 2:It's the pits. Those are the lows. Those are the lows. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Breaking. But those, god man, you could talk. Almost any person that has addiction, that has kids, have had those moments.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Where you're doing the best you can and just need someone to help. Absolutely. And you're yeah, man, those are the real ones, man, those are the real stories, those are the real things that nobody wants to talk about.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's hard, it is it's hard, but but, like we said, thank god for those moments and thank god for my little girl, because had she not been there, I'd probably still be there right, I'd still be in there. I'm okay not eating. I'm okay, you know, starving myself, poisoning myself with that stuff, but to put her through that, yeah I couldn't. I couldn't keep doing it and I got to the point where I couldn't feed her anymore you know why I'm not a drug addict?
Speaker 1:no more, because the last time I went to prison, my kids dropped me off at jail. Wow, and to hear them screaming daddy, daddy god that drive away and and knowing that if you look back you're not walking into that courthouse. But you also know that you've got to go do this so you can get right and get back, and just I could never do that to them again.
Speaker 4:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And so that time, that last time in prison, all I could think about was I'm never doing this to my kids again.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We almost ran to Canada, canada, yeah, wow, yeah, we almost ran together you want to talk about.
Speaker 1:A haunting voice? Is your kid just crying out your name as you're walking away, knowing that for the next four years you're not going to get to see them? And just for four years, that's what you hear in your frigging head. So yeah, I did heroin, so I didn't have to hear that. You know what I mean. Even though I was loving God and I was doing everything I could, there were moments that that's all I could hear and it was like I don't want to hear that no more. And it was like I don't want to hear that, no more.
Speaker 4:I need to get away from this, so I would get high Escape.
Speaker 2:You know what I?
Speaker 1:mean, and then I'd get back riding and be, like, okay, let's go at it again, and the next time I'd hear the voices again, I would have to go get high again. You know what I mean. But I also knew in that moment that I'm never ever going to walk away from them again. You, absolutely, yeah, absolutely Kids will do that for you, man.
Speaker 4:Yes, yeah, yeah. So yet again she saved me.
Speaker 1:Come on.
Speaker 4:And my inability to feed her, I realized I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:And I took her and we went back home this time Mom and dad Went back to mom and dad.
Speaker 3:Come on, man, yeah.
Speaker 4:They took me in.
Speaker 1:They're solid, ain't they?
Speaker 4:Dang Sick, so sick. They couldn't afford to put me back in detox again, so I had to detox at home.
Speaker 2:It ain't cheap. No, it ain't cheap Not at all.
Speaker 4:Not at all, so I had to detox at home.
Speaker 2:Here's the trash can. Here's the wet rag.
Speaker 4:That was bad, but just to detox a second time. Um, and I remember at the time I was uh. Once I got through that, I uh got back on mat, I got back on suboxone and the doctor that I was going to, he told me you won't survive another relapse. You won't survive another relapse. You won't survive another withdrawal. This has to be it, and so yeah, it's your body.
Speaker 2:It's the way your body takes it. It's the way my body takes it.
Speaker 4:And I can't handle it. I mean it affects me neurologically and I mean it was bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man.
Speaker 4:It was really bad. So that was January of 2021.
Speaker 1:I went home got on Suboxone again, and this January I just celebrated four years. Come on man.
Speaker 2:Sobriety. Let's go, yes, let's go, yes.
Speaker 4:So shortly after that got back into counseling my church counseling and so I was seeing a counselor oh, so you get back in the church.
Speaker 1:Started with your parents yeah, oh wow come on the church I was raised in yeah come on really oh yeah wow your parents very do your parents still live in the house that you were raised in. No, I was gonna say that'd been way cool oh I know no, they ended up.
Speaker 4:the the work of two acres got to them, and so they ended up downsizing and moving.
Speaker 2:But look, you ran from the church and the thing that, oh, this ain't for you, ran right back to it.
Speaker 4:Wow, the very same church, full circle moment. Wow, oh yeah. So my counselor.
Speaker 2:You really are a prodigal. Yeah, you really are a prodigal. Yeah, you really did have a prodigal. You had a whole season and you just came running back filled with big shit. God cleans you up and fed you Covered in it. Wow, god, yes, wow.
Speaker 4:So my counselor tells me you really need a 12-step program. You really do. And I remember thinking I'm not an addict like that.
Speaker 3:You know, I'm not.
Speaker 1:Not one of those, no, I don't need that.
Speaker 4:He said, just go to this meeting, check out Celebrate Recovery. Wow, see what you think.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:And I remember going to my first meeting.
Speaker 1:Was it at your church or?
Speaker 4:a different church, at our church. Wow, was it at your church, or a?
Speaker 1:different church At our church. Wow, and your church has a.
Speaker 2:CR. Is this the one that I'm going to? This is Palm Valley Church. Oh my God.
Speaker 4:Palm Valley Church. Wow, that is my home, oh man.
Speaker 1:You're driving to Waddell.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't know what I got myself into, but they wrangled me in. It's two hours, february 12th, on Wednesday night.
Speaker 4:We have a Goodyear and a Buckeye location and you're coming to Buckeye, buckeye. Yeah, pick me up on the way out. On the way out there.
Speaker 2:Come out, I'll make you drive bud.
Speaker 3:There you go, I'll be at work but stop by and pick me up, man, yes.
Speaker 1:I can't let you do that one alone.
Speaker 4:Amen, oh, it'll be good, it'll be good.
Speaker 1:It's hard sometimes to hear the part about me getting high with them.
Speaker 2:Dad, raise your hand.
Speaker 4:I'm just like oh God, I look at the person next to me and think that was a bad decision. That was a different person.
Speaker 1:It's still hard to hear, though. Yeah, it still gets you. Oh, I know, I know it's like you were dumb dude.
Speaker 2:It's good, though, man, it gave me my purpose now.
Speaker 1:It, man. It gave me my purpose now. Thanks for getting me high bud, but there's nothing like that frequent reminder of just how dumb you were.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean yeah, absolutely. I feel that, I feel that for sure, oh yeah, um.
Speaker 4:So I remember my first meeting and I walk in and just see nothing but smiles and did you sit in the parking lot for a little bit?
Speaker 1:I did.
Speaker 4:I'm like am I really going to do this? I could just go somewhere else, right now.
Speaker 2:Who would know right? Oh, the mind tricks, oh, I know.
Speaker 4:But I walk in and all these happy people are so full of joy.
Speaker 3:And I'm like this isn't for me.
Speaker 4:I'm sick Broken and sad I felt like I had this dark cloud over me, and so I thought this is not for me.
Speaker 2:You're just the one they're waiting for.
Speaker 4:Oh, I was welcomed with hugs.
Speaker 2:Love you to life. We're going to love her to life. Yes.
Speaker 4:I remember trying looking for things I didn't like Right.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to find reasons why I'm never going back. Can you believe they?
Speaker 2:said that Nope, and I'm trying to find reasons why I'm never going back. Can you believe they said that.
Speaker 4:Nope and um. I remember feeling something when we worshiped and you know, I don't have this moment with God where I felt a jolt or like it wasn't this mountaintop experience, but I feel like I had, little by little, experiences with God at Celebrate Recovery.
Speaker 2:It's good.
Speaker 4:And one of my first meetings after that relapse was definitely I just felt like, oh, I can't run from this, I can't run from it. I'm coming at my worst and I'm being met with nothing but love and grace. And everybody. There they were what you call being the hands and feet of Jesus. Right, and just loving me in that way.
Speaker 1:That's how the church should be, absolutely. I'm just saying, yeah, our church is like that, but that's how the big C church should be. Yes, I mean yes, yeah.
Speaker 4:Absolutely so. It was just little by little, I just kept coming absolutely um so it was just little by little, I just kept coming.
Speaker 2:I thought well, all I know to do is show up. Yeah right, um, I got tricked into doing a step study. Got her. They said hey, you know, you've been coming three times now.
Speaker 4:You should really do the step study with us and I talked to my counselor about it.
Speaker 1:He was like do it do it, you know, do this 10 month commitment.
Speaker 4:You have no idea, what you're committing to we were on a fast track too, so we did it in six months oh six months it was intense, yeah it was intense but man, the healing that I got from that yeah um and doing my first inventory and, oh my gosh, I just I was. The transformation in me was beginning.
Speaker 1:What were you guys doing? Two lessons a week yeah, really.
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, we were on the fast track.
Speaker 1:So I could probably do that again.
Speaker 4:I think the inventory. We wrapped that up in two weeks. I mean we were on a fast track, and so this was all happening at the Goodyear location. But because I wrapped up my step study that june of 2021, I was able to be part of the group that opened up our buckeye cr, and so that's how buckeye became my my place.
Speaker 4:you know, that's my home and those are the ones that sent you to summit yes wow myuckeye CR people yeah, they all got together bought my ticket, paid for her bow and her place it was all expenses paid, everything Paid my hotel.
Speaker 2:Because they wanted her to be there, because of how bought in she is to the recovery in.
Speaker 4:Buckeye.
Speaker 2:We're like we want this for you.
Speaker 4:Yes, sent me, sent me yes. Oh, the one who's tainted yes, oh man, I know man are you on leadership?
Speaker 1:yes, I am, come on yes, I am.
Speaker 4:I started leading the open share group come on um that when I first started I picked it all apart. I said we just say, we just bare our souls, and then thank you for sharing. I was like what is this about? Oh then, then I was leading it, loving it.
Speaker 1:I probably went to about four or five big meetings before I ever walked into a small group. Wow, yeah, I'm like I am not going in there. Yeah, I knew.
Speaker 2:It's just weird, dude, I go worship get a lesson.
Speaker 3:I'm out. Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, I'm out. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I get it. It was funny.
Speaker 1:At the run time God told me to go. Me and Riley went to Sun Valley and we were supposed to go to small group.
Speaker 2:We told God we were going to go to small group the car breaks down and uh, they're like damn so, after a large group, we're like let's go.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. We go out to the. I'm like, oh, you're good come on, god.
Speaker 2:We literally said fine, we'll stay for small group next time. I'm like no kidding, this is stupid, no kidding that's how God works with us.
Speaker 1:Wouldn't even start or nothing as soon as we said, alright, god next time we'll go to small group fired right up. Next time we went to small group small groups.
Speaker 2:We sure did. Here we are four years later, and we keep coming back. I learned a lot in there, though yes, I mean oh yeah, you gotta imagine the background.
Speaker 1:I come from prison. Drugs, you know just man crap. You know what I mean. That, uh, I remember sitting in a small group and there was this dude who looked like someone that I could relate to big, big, burly-ass dude, tattoos, bawling.
Speaker 3:And I was like whoa big man crying.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:And he talked. I was like damn, I'm like we can do that, we can do that here. You know what I mean, and yeah, that was probably the first time I cried in a long time when it got to me. You know what I mean. But it took seeing that big old, burly dude with tattoos balling his eyes out to make me realize. Oh, wait a minute. Men can cry and talk about stuff like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll never forget it, man. Wow, yeah, that was Rock Point. Rock Point, cr, that's beautiful yeah.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful yeah yeah, so 21, you're at palm valley over in good year and 23 they did buckeye, and that same year in 2021 21 yeah, wow because again I finished. I started in january, by june you're finished, graduated your step, study, ready to go, ready to lead buckeye cr.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I started you drove all that way to get here today. Yes, I did. Oh man, I live man. Thanks, sis, I live in.
Speaker 4:Litchfield Park. So I came from there.
Speaker 2:Thanks, man.
Speaker 4:Oh it's.
Speaker 2:They said it was an hour. Yeah, that's still a long drive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is oh worth it. Thank you, love you guys man, thank you we appreciate that.
Speaker 4:Why not drive?
Speaker 2:for Jesus. Come on, man. Amen. You heard that, didn't you?
Speaker 3:Drive for Jesus. Got no excuses, people, yeah.
Speaker 2:A church that's alive is worth the drive.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's hard to get, it's hard to get former drug addicts to understand that the passion and the zeal that you chased at that sack is the same passion and zeal you should have chasing Jesus, let's go.
Speaker 2:You know what?
Speaker 1:I mean, if you put that same work into this watch where it'll take you man.
Speaker 2:I saw you up all night at the casino. Why can't you read your Bible? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:You drove. How far to go get that? That's right yeah but you won't drive 20 minutes to a good church, that's right, that's right. People are funny, I know they crack me up.
Speaker 2:So where? Where are you now? What are you?
Speaker 1:what are you doing now? A second yeah, what happened to the boyfriend?
Speaker 4:um he was.
Speaker 1:Let me see in 2021 because when you, when you said you left and went back to your mom, left him in the hotels peace out, dude, I'm gone he wasn't ready recovery, so he stayed.
Speaker 4:He was on the streets for a little while.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you're not paying for it. Nope.
Speaker 4:So he was on the streets Soon after that. He was arrested and he did prison time because he was a felon. He got caught with a weapon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, automatic, five, five piece For him it was two what.
Speaker 1:Yeah, three months for beating a girl, jeez.
Speaker 4:The justice system Crazy.
Speaker 1:He related to you. He got that horseshoe too, or what this?
Speaker 2:guy, he must know God somewhere along the line there must be a testimony coming bud, I hope.
Speaker 4:For his sake, I hope.
Speaker 1:Any connections still, Does he come see his daughter or no?
Speaker 4:no, not now, Um when he got out in 2023, um are you?
Speaker 1:are you ready for that?
Speaker 4:Um for him to be back in our lives.
Speaker 1:No not at this point. No, not at this point. Guard yourself, man, yeah yeah at all costs?
Speaker 4:yeah, because I didn't. When he got out in 2023, I thought okay, he's sober now um. I'm in recovery I thought, you know, things could be different.
Speaker 1:He could really see his you need to have like this very long list of things that he has to even even come close to yeah, and I didn't, and I didn't.
Speaker 4:I don't know you at all but please just make sure you're very guarded. No, we need Okay, we need the distance. I don't think that he's your future.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, I'm not thinking about it. I was just thinking about your daughter. Oh, me too.
Speaker 4:Me too, for sure. But yeah, when he got out in 2023, he had told me he was going to be in a sober living house and asked me to give him a ride there. That's how it started and I said yeah I'll give you the ride. You know I'll be anything to help you help you find what I have found right um.
Speaker 4:He shows up at the house and something went wrong and I still don't know, yeah, I don't know what went wrong, but he comes back out and he says they don't have a room for me. And he said can I just stay with you until I figure this out? And that turned into, uh, three or four months of living with me wow and um, slowly but surely, I could see he was picking up the drugs again and um I I wasn't having it. I told him you gotta go, amen, you gotta go good you got to go.
Speaker 1:Good for you, sis, thank you. Good for you, man.
Speaker 4:Thank you, I mean, I should have never opened myself up in my home and exposed my daughter to that but God moved in real quick, come on, amen, he moved in real quick. Yeah, and shut that down. So he's been homeless ever since then. Amen, ever since then.
Speaker 2:His choices aren't your responsibilities.
Speaker 1:I was taking the same damn thing.
Speaker 2:Nope.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What he chooses to do with his life is on him. Man, you got to do what's best for you and that little girl come on, yes.
Speaker 4:Yeah absolutely Absolutely.
Speaker 1:I iterate that too.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:There's going to be, not his responsibility. There's, there's going to be. Into your life, is going to love her the same way. This dude came into my life and loved me. Yes, the same thing is going to happen, sis. That's my prayer In God's time.
Speaker 4:That's my prayer, absolutely. It's why I needed to work on my codependency, though, because I got something. I got value from helping him.
Speaker 2:Hello, it's that savior thing, man, absolutely the fixing. A lot of girls want to fix them and change them, Make them different.
Speaker 1:Dude men have a hero complex.
Speaker 2:I'll save her. Women have a fixer complex. I'll change them. I'll fix them.
Speaker 1:Men want to be the oh, I'm going to come in and be this knight in shining armor, and women have this oh, I can fix him. You know what I mean?
Speaker 3:No, we are not knight in shining armor and we're not fixers no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, no. Here's what I do know is eyes on Jesus girl.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:Until he says look there he is. Yeah, eyes on Jesus. Girl, don't even be interested, don't even be thinking about that, until he says look there he is.
Speaker 2:Absolutely make sure you're very clear that it's him yes because he loves you.
Speaker 3:Yes, you're a treasure to him, man thank you, I feel that in my heart that you just got his.
Speaker 4:He's got his eye on you yeah, yeah, yeah, he sure does he sure does um. So yeah, there was, uh, while he was homeless um pop up at the house every now and then ask for money ask for food and I'm in recovery at this time, right, and I remember hearing a sermon about um that sometimes it's our job to love on people that are unlovable, and I mistook that and thought maybe it's my job to love on him when he's suffering because, that could have been me.
Speaker 4:I kept thinking that too, that I was this close to that's me out there, and so I'd give him food, I'd let him come in and shower, sleep in a bed for a night, whatever it was, and, um, the last time I allowed him to do that was January of 2024. The last time I allowed him to do that was January of 2024. And let him shower, let him sleep in the bed, and he raped me that night, damn.
Speaker 2:God dang man. And so that was it.
Speaker 4:That was the last straw. That was it. Like we talked about, it takes women seven times and. I felt like that was it and I went and got an order of protection. Praise God, arizona's changed the laws. They're good for two years now. So since January of 24, I've got a two-year order of protection and I just haven't looked back and I haven't seen them since. It's been over a year now Amen.
Speaker 4:And I just haven't looked back and I haven't seen him since it's been over a year now and I can feel that God wants it this way, that he has created the distance. We're living very different lives. And like you said, he's just. He's not my person. I am thankful for him in that we have this. I have this beautiful daughter. I thank God for her, but he is not my person, and and truly I don't even know if he's supposed to be a father figure in her life.
Speaker 4:He's not choosing that, he's choosing substances and and I have empathy for that, but my job is to protect her.
Speaker 1:She's. That's your number one priority. That is my number one priority. Sometimes loving the unlovable looks different than we think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it can be boundaries.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's.
Speaker 4:Loving from a distance.
Speaker 1:I'm praying for you, but you stay over there Absolutely. I'm staying over here, but know that I'm praying for you. Yes, it doesn't mean I have to help you or give you anything or do anything for you, except for pray for you, cause that's how I'm going to love you, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 4:So again, so grateful for CR. Um cause again went into CR, just wanting to stop doing drugs.
Speaker 2:Right and he found so much more and I thought I'll be fixed if I can just stop doing this.
Speaker 4:Everything else is perfect.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:And God showed me man, there's layers, there's layers, and it's my self-worth and it's codependency. I've got pride issues and it's all that, and so praise God that I'm learning, layer by layer, right how to surrender all of that to God. And then he's transforming me. I didn't do anything but submit to the process you know, and be obedient, because I needed to get sick of myself.
Speaker 2:Keep making good choices.
Speaker 4:Yeah, just do the next right thing.
Speaker 2:The next right choice.
Speaker 1:My first sponsor used to always tell me this ain't a quick fix game. I'm like why the hell not? I just want to be done with this and get on with my life. Yeah, and here I am.
Speaker 4:Oh man, we're like three four years later and I'm like all right, god, I'm here for the long haul buddy. I remember first going to CR and thinking how long do I have to go to this?
Speaker 2:until I'm fixed, and then when can I stop? Right Now it's like we're leading it.
Speaker 3:I was the same way I just want to be fixed and done and move on with life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and even them. They tell me they're like you need to take a Monday off, I do yeah. I'm like dude I'm not here because I have to be. Yeah, I'm here because I don't want to see what life is like without my Monday nights. Amen.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I love my Monday nights Without my Monday nights.
Speaker 1:I don't, I don't want to.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't even want to play with that. I need my people. That's what it is right.
Speaker 1:there I need to be able to come in and be broken and have somebody tell me bro, I love you. That's what it is. I'm praying for you. I got your back. Yes, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:It's our community, yeah, it's our're not saying the church people ain't either, but it's just the recovery, it's just we're all broken together. Yeah, there's a realness. Yeah, man, there's a realness, and I remember growing up in church.
Speaker 4:Part of why I felt like I don't fit in and I can never get this is I got that sense of everyone here is perfect and I know I'm not. I know, something's broken in here, and that's the most beautiful thing about CRs we get together, we hug and it's I'm struggling with this. Well, this week I am struggling with this and I don't know how to get past it and praying for each other and it's just so real.
Speaker 1:It's something I never experienced in church, or you can call somebody and tell them that you're struggling. You need to pray harder. You ain't got enough faith, or even submit it, and just give it to God.
Speaker 3:Give it to God.
Speaker 4:What do you mean?
Speaker 2:With me. It's like, dude, can we just go out for a coffee? It's just people to have in your life, man, that are good people. You know who?
Speaker 1:Brian Trejo is no Okay. So Brian Trejo, he's a Christian rapper out of Houston, right, and him and his wife. He talks about how him and his wife would be before they were really saved. How they would be in the parking lot just ripping each other a new one, and how they would get out of the car, go in, put on their fake faces. You know what I mean. How are you Good and walk in. How are you doing? I'm blessed, Highly favored. You know what I mean and they would go in and put on these faces.
Speaker 2:He's just ripping his wife.
Speaker 1:And he would say that They'd get back to the car and they'd both look at you. You're so fake. We fought getting the kids ready to come to church and we're fighting on the way in the car. But as soon as we get out of the car in the church parking lot, we put on our mask and we're good. You know what I mean? And it's like, yeah, it's real bud.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. It's real.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:If it wasn't for CR, people would not take their masks off.
Speaker 4:Oh, I know, Church people, people talk to church people. Yeah, you know what I?
Speaker 1:mean, and it just it's I don't know.
Speaker 2:It just breaks my heart that people can't come to church and be real right this is the one place where yeah, man, where we should be able to walk through the door and tell somebody this is me, this is where I got I'm really struggling right now, man, to someone you know and not have to go through the hall, let's get you in some counseling and just.
Speaker 1:Can I just be broken for a minute, right?
Speaker 2:you know what I?
Speaker 4:mean and be real and just say I'm broken at the moment.
Speaker 1:Yes, and not have somebody want to fix me give me some christian ease or tell me I'm not praying, or whatever you know. I mean it's just yeah, I don't know man absolutely, I'm not banging the church. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bagging on the church at all.
Speaker 4:No no, no, no.
Speaker 1:But I'm just like man people would just be real.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you know what I mean Absolutely, but I'm so grateful for Celebrate Recovery because of all of that.
Speaker 1:I get more out of Mondays than I do Sundays, to be honest with you. Yeah, I do. I walk into Mondays and. I leave on Monday and I'm like my, my god, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, god's moving tonight ladies yeah, I feel it.
Speaker 4:I feel it, it's great.
Speaker 1:It's crazy, because we get people that come to our cr and they're like man. The spirit is just powerful in here and it's like I felt it.
Speaker 2:I'm like it's not us man, it's all god I always tell them it's covering. We're trying to stay out of his way.
Speaker 4:No, but you're the vessel. You're the vessel. My sister and I felt it when we came that night. We were looking at each other when worship started and I was like, oh, this is different.
Speaker 2:It is. There's a reason why it's all. There's reasons, yeah, yeah, and God knows, and it's good, it's good he's doing his thing, it's so good, it's so good.
Speaker 1:When the people are crying out to God. He's there, man.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:We've been to. I don't want to say what the CR was, but we went to this one CR.
Speaker 2:And I'm like during the worship, I'm like dad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's why I like, and it was like five old men and one guy was bragging about how he was an opera singer or something. You know what I mean, and it was like I don't know, I'm not banging on him, but there was just, it was not no spirit in the worship. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:And it's like and you can feel that, oh, absolutely, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:When people you know what I mean and they're not there to worship and glorify God. Yes, you know, you can put on a video, as long as the people that are in the crowd are worshiping them and glorifying God. In their worship, you feel his presence. Yes, it doesn't take a band or a person on a guitar. It takes the people in the audience.
Speaker 4:Absolutely. I mean absolutely. Yeah, you'll see when you come to RCR. So I'm on the worship team now. Really, yeah, I can't hit a note to save my life, but I love worship, I love worship and our CR leader, john he's on guitar. One of our other pastors is on another guitar. And normally it's the three of us up there singing and we're off key and we make mistakes, but man, it's so beautiful.
Speaker 1:The heart is there, though.
Speaker 4:The heart is so there and the Holy Spirit is there.
Speaker 1:I can almost guarantee you that every time you step on that stage, god moves to the edge of his seat and he's like look look at my daughter. Look, watch, watch, watch, watch. I hope so. Oh, I hope so. He is man yeah.
Speaker 4:And see, that's what's so funny, is the beautiful thing so we meet at a high school, so there is no stage. We meet in a classroom.
Speaker 1:So we're at the front of class.
Speaker 4:Come on, it's humble we have a humble CR out there but. But God moves there.
Speaker 1:You guys have that kind of access to the school. Yeah, we hold our we hold our church there too on Sundays. When's your and your CR is on a Wednesday.
Speaker 4:Wednesday nights 630.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's pretty awesome. It is the fact that they allow you to have access on a Wednesday. Oh, we've got a great relationship with that school? No just Wednesday nights, just CR. Wednesday nights, cr, that is freaking awesome.
Speaker 4:Yeah, wow, absolutely Shout out Yonker.
Speaker 1:High School they're. Yeah, wow, absolutely. Shout out, yunker yeah, they're amazing.
Speaker 2:Come on, new barney, let's get it. We're getting ready to launch a new campus at new barney junior high school. Slow him down, don't slow me down, god, but I'm just thinking like come on, man, let's go lord absolutely
Speaker 1:you can open a door on a high school on Wednesdays, you can open one out there.
Speaker 4:Yes, let's get it. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:And don't slow me down, dude, don't ever slow me down.
Speaker 2:He runs way out of God.
Speaker 1:I do, I'm a runner man.
Speaker 2:I hear a word from God. It's like boom, god's like dude, where'd you go?
Speaker 1:bro when you at, dude. He's like bro, we're still growing back here. Dude, Get back, you got a lot of change.
Speaker 2:First boys yeah, but he knows my heart. Yes, he knows that I'll do anything. We're willing to go God.
Speaker 1:He told us to start this outreach one time, and so, of course, me and Roddy take off running, because I'm leading and I take out running, so we go start this outreach and we had a food bank account.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, we set up shelves in our garage. We're getting donations deep freezer he's filling up his truck. I'm filling up my truck. Yeah, mom's getting pissed off, there's a whole lot.
Speaker 1:But we start this outreach right and we're doing this thing. I think it was thursday nights and god always promised us he would bring one person and so we would go around and pass out flyers and one person. I always show up, but there was this one night, my biggest fear that nobody's going to show up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we go out there, we set up and we're like man, nobody came, so we load it up and I'm literally just as we shut the tailgate dude rides up on a biker you guys leaving, no done. Are you guys leaving?
Speaker 1:Nope we were just unloading.
Speaker 1:Unload it and load everything out, dude, it's all for you buddy, god wanted to see if we would re-unload everything for that one person man. But we also got to a point where we realized this is just us. This is just us Doing this. Yeah, we just wanted to do it and we did it and we thought God was leading it and he was leading us to something we just took like, just like with the podcast. When he first gave us a podcast, we took off and thought we were going to be preachers making videos.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Studio in my bedroom because we hear from God and we're like, oh yeah, let's go do this, you know I mean, and we, just, we do our thing, you know I mean. But yeah, yeah, I love.
Speaker 4:God, so um, I gave my testimony here at LifeLink and it was amazing. And then, rowdy, you introduced me to Janine Hernandez.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, it was crazy. She just happened to be here that night for her one year dude. Oh wow. And it was the night when you were here.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it was crazy man, that was so God.
Speaker 2:What'd she say earlier?
Speaker 4:She loved to write so janine gives me her business card and and mentioned that she works with a lot of organizations you know to support women use of women absolutely absolutely, and so I'm all for that that's always been a dream of mine. I've, along my way in recovery, have always tried out there in the West Valley we have a place, a new leaf, and they work with Hope's Closet and tried to get involved with that, always tried to volunteer. Never could make it happen, but it was a desire.
Speaker 2:I got you, yeah, I got you, yeah, I'll get you connected with the home of hope in Casa Grande Come on.
Speaker 1:It's a women's center, just full of women and kids. We had the director on our podcast, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Sarah, I'm challenging my people. Yeah, I'll get you in. Wow, please do Please do. They'll open it up to where serve God and serve some girls and some kiddos. Yeah, you watch what God does. Sarah's going to love you Come on.
Speaker 4:Absolutely so, janine. I reach out to her, you know, let her know that that you said you were involved with some of these organizations. It's my heart's desire. And then she responds telling me she's doing this anthology book on domestic violence.
Speaker 1:I just saw a video about that.
Speaker 4:Yeah, one asked if I would be.
Speaker 1:Are you going to be a part of?
Speaker 4:that.
Speaker 3:I'm going to be Come on, yeah, knock it off.
Speaker 4:So, man, I could cry. So just for God to keep that dream alive. It's so hard to even speak on right Because it's so, god, it's only God, only God. Right that he would connect us. What are the?
Speaker 2:chances.
Speaker 4:Yeah, right, first of all, that I would meet you at the summit. There's 3,000 people there right and I had spotted him. You were worshiping like I had never seen before.
Speaker 2:I worship my king.
Speaker 4:Oh, I, I couldn't get my eyes off you and I, and so we just happened to sit by each other, I think on the second or even the last day, and yeah, got talking with the guy next to me who was from arizona, and then you turn around and, um, that was just a god thing, um, but uh, yeah, so what are the chances, right, that I'd meet you and you'd introduce me to Janine and it's all God?
Speaker 1:It's all God. It's all God See. Here's what we don't see is we never see what God has ahead in the moment? Yeah, so while you were at CR in the summit, god already knew these days were coming. Yes, he had already orchestrating things there. Yes, you had no idea Exactly.
Speaker 2:He had no idea.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You guys were just in the moment, but being obedient to God.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 2:Even before that.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:When you were in addiction. Oh yeah, getting beat. Yeah, god was with you in that. Yeah, I'm going to use this later. Yes, for my glory. Absolutely and now, you're just coming into it.
Speaker 4:Absolutely. It's why I say I have to be grateful for the suffering. I'm so grateful for it because God takes that pain.
Speaker 4:Purpose and turns it into purpose, absolutely, it's all a part of his plan. So you guys talked about, right, what? What are my hopes? What are my dreams? Like I, I just want what God wants for me. I just want whatever I don't even like. My mind can't even imagine as great as God plans for me, right, but? But I want whatever he wants. I want his will for my life. I hope that that looks like helping women get out of abusive relationships and helping them get back on their feet, maybe just sharing my story and giving some hope in that way. Putting this book out there is just a dream of mine. You know what I mean To be a published author, like for me to love writing.
Speaker 3:It's just the first one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, amen.
Speaker 4:Amen, I hope so, janine's an incredible lady.
Speaker 1:When you spend time in prayer, I need you to earnestly seek God. Spend time in prayer. I need you to earnestly seek God because I see a devotional, with the abuse aspect tied into it, to where you can share your moments and how God redeemed those things through Scripture. So find God's going to give you ways to use the emotions and some of the abuse in Scripture correlated together to be devotional. Yeah, that women who are in your situation can get their hands on and understand. You know why in that moment you felt no value. God said you were value. Yes, you see what I'm talking about. Yes, so you take those things that you've been through.
Speaker 1:God's going to give you the scriptures that are going to line up with those things. Write them down. Yeah, start laying this out, but earnestly seek God in it first. Yes, and ask him, because I could just be the way I feel. I don't know, but I need you to seek God to see if this is really from God or not, but how he wants you to tie that together. Yes, because there are going to be women who could use a book like that and understand that, while I'm in this situation and I have no value. God says I have value and that might change somebody through a devotional that they get their hands on, because someone said hey, you know what I mean, I've been through it, so pray about that and see if you can see God in that, because I think that's something God has for you.
Speaker 4:Yes, I really do. I receive that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you I kept seeing that when you were talking. I'm like, holy crap, she's going to write a devotional.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:I'm open to all of it whatever it.
Speaker 2:That's what I see is you're like God, you have my yes. Wherever you take me and whatever you do with it, have your way. Yes, that's really Absolutely. Watch what he does.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you're on a ride, sis. Absolutely. I'm just enjoying it. It's scary sometimes, yeah you don't know where you're going.
Speaker 2:I don't know where I'm going. Why am I doing this?
Speaker 3:Where are we going?
Speaker 2:I don't know, Okay, and I'm in the backseat. Let me tell you.
Speaker 1:I'm not driving.
Speaker 4:I am not, but I don't want to be right.
Speaker 1:What's crazy is, in all of our addiction we're out of control, yes, and we think we're so much in control, but we're really just out of control, out of control. But yet when we find ourselves truly surrendered and out of control to God, we find it terrifying. Yeah, yeah, but yet when we're out of control in our addiction, we're like just enjoy the ride. Yeah, you know what I mean YOLO.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So it has to be the same way with God, Absolutely. It's like Just enjoy the ride man, because if God is really in the driver's seat. What's there to be scared?
Speaker 4:of Absolutely. There's no failure Right.
Speaker 1:There's no disaster, there's no chaos, there's no, you know, just, I don't know. There's just beauty, there's peace, there's direction, there's guidance All the things that we really, truly need in love and life.
Speaker 4:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Are in that surrender, in that uncomfort zone of not being in control.
Speaker 4:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1:What do you got buddy, you got something, I know you do Jesus.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you. Thank you a lot, nicole, for coming on and sharing and being as vulnerable as you were with what you talked about, because there's going to be people who are going to listen to this and are at that place. They very well may be in it. They could literally be listening to our voice right now and when they turn this off, they're going to go.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:And your advice to them was Jesus.
Speaker 3:It was.
Speaker 2:Jesus, because Jesus is the one who can change everything Absolutely. I think I'm going to pray for you, thank you. Normally I have dad always getting all the songs and everything ready, buddy, yes, sir, normally I have dad pray for everybody, but I think that I'm going to pray for you, nicole. Yep, thank you, just thank you. Thank you, sis. Can't wait until next month when I come out there and you get to hear my story. Yeah, I can't wait and she's like I listened to your speech on the testimony.
Speaker 2:I told her well, there's this dad talking man, we're going to redo them all Before you pray.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thanks man. I mean I heard a little bit at CR and I kind of knew a little bit, but like he said, just yeah, just that vulnerability and that courage, it takes courage to.
Speaker 2:Does you know what I mean? Be able to share that stuff and takes the power back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just feel that you need to know that you're. You're a strong, courageous woman that god has you. Um, do not sell yourself short anymore. Come on, because to him you're a treasured daughter. Yes, that you. Your value is found in him and to him you are. You are more than diamonds and gold. You are so precious that stones do not even compare. So don't ever settle yourself short anymore. Keep your eyes on him until he says look, if you do that, you'll find exactly what he has for you. So just stay focused on him.
Speaker 1:Thank you, and he will bring somebody who's going to blow you away. That you'll be like where the hell were you all my life? You?
Speaker 3:know what.
Speaker 1:I mean, and he will, because he loves you that much and you are a treasured daughter.
Speaker 4:Thank you, yeah, thank you guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was my honor. Yeah, it really was. Thanks for your yes, friend.
Speaker 4:Absolutely Appreciate you, anytime, anytime.
Speaker 2:Yeah, jesus, man, god, I thank you for what you just did today, lord. Thank you, lord. I thank you, lord. I thank you for your daughter. Yeah, nicole. Thank you for the change, the transformation. She's a different person, god, and that's only something you can do, yep, um. So I thank you, god, for not only just the like, the book and the author, the things she's gonna write and share with the world in the future, um, but just the little things, god, that that maybe, to her, are not so little. So I thank you, god, that there's gonna be a man that's after your own heart and that he is gonna love her little girl like his own, and he is really going to love nicole like the queen that she is. They're literally going to serve you and that household's going to serve you until the end of the days. God, thank you, lord. Um, I thank you for palm valley, cr, and both goodyear and buckeye, and what you're doing over there, god, and how you're healing your people in that ministry. Thank you, lord. Thank you for the leaders that are rising up, god, in this season, I see a third one. Okay, I don't know what that is, god, but yeah, wow, you guys are really doing this thing over there. So I thank you, jesus, for just Palm Valley, the pastor, the tattoos, just all of it. God, just they're doing what you've called them to do. They're not replicating, they're not copying. They're actually doing what you've called them to do. So that's why the blessing is on that house.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just pray for Nicole, god, and just her time, her willingness to come and share, um, just that you redeem this back to her. God, the drive um the, the good reports. Thank you, god, that there's people, her friends, there's people that are going to listen to this God, that are going to connect with her in ways that they never knew and she didn't know, but they've been walking through the same things together. Thank you, lord um. So I thank you that just life change is coming from this testimony. Um, I pray, god, that if there's any women out there who are in this situation, that they just turn to you, jesus, if that's all they can do. God is just Jesus. Help, just let them do that today. God, thank you for all you're doing in this ministry. We praise you for what's to come. In Jesus' name, amen, amen. Can you do us a favor, nicole? Absolutely. Can you pray for Speak Life?
Speaker 4:Yes, absolutely. Heavenly Father, thank you so much for the Speak Life podcast. Thank you for how you are working God in this ministry. Heavenly Father, thank you so much for the Speak Life podcast. Thank you for how you are working God in this ministry. I just thank you for always providing somebody to come share their story and, ultimately, god, it's always your story, it's always how you are moving and transforming people.
Speaker 4:God for your glory I just pray over this ministry. I pray that you preserve it. I pray that you prosper them, god, whatever is needed to make this run, to make it function, I pray that you provide, god, you are our provider and I pray that you always come through for Rowdy and Eddie. God, just provide whatever they need. I ask for their protection, god, whenever we are chasing you, sometimes the enemy comes at us 10 times harder and I ask for their protection, god, put a hedge of protection around them so that they can keep this running and keep this going and continue to change lives. I pray this in your holy name, amen.
Speaker 1:Amen, jesus name. Thank you, sis. Yeah, thank you so much, nicole. Thank you Really it was an honor.
Speaker 2:Everybody, man. I don't know where you're listening or where you're watching at, but if you, whatever channel, whatever platform you're at, man, if you could please subscribe, you'll get all the notifications for the future episodes. If you yourself would like to come on the podcast, you can reach out through X, instagram or Facebook. Speak life AZ. All one word. We'd love to hear from you and get you on the schedule so you can take back the power in your life as well. Kick the devil in the face. But until next time, we're going to continue to speak life AZ. God bless you.
Speaker 1:Jesus.