SpeakLifeAZ
The testimony of Jesus in, with, and through everyday people like us. A father and son who were addicts for over 20 yrs. You name it, WE DID IT, TOGETHER!!!! we used to use drugs together now we share about what God Has done for us to encourage the body of Christ and anyone else who may listen to this that is feeling hopeless and empty. LISTEN TO OUR STORY...and the testimony of others who feel led to share with you.... GOD BLESS YOU....TODAY WE CHOOSE TO SPEAK LIFE AZ!!!!!!!!!!
SpeakLifeAZ
LeAnna B. Testimony #2
What happens when the ashes of your estranged father literally cover you from head to toe? For today's guest, this unexpected moment became a profound turning point in her healing journey.
After years of abandonment and unanswered questions, she found herself on a Key West pier, ready to scatter her father's ashes as an act of forgiveness. When the wind suddenly shifted, covering her completely in what remained of the man who had walked away, something extraordinary happened. Instead of disgust, she felt embraced with warmth and love – a divine encounter that transformed her relationship with both her earthly and heavenly father.
This raw, vulnerable conversation takes us through valleys of childhood trauma, domestic abuse, and betrayal, while showcasing the remarkable resilience of the human spirit when supported by faith. We witness how a woman who once left her marriage "a broken shell with borrowed money and a borrowed house" rebuilt her life, pursuing education and eventually finding love again.
The discussion expands beyond personal healing to reveal shocking truths about deaf education, where many children are systematically denied access to sign language. Her passion for creating a "Deaf Education Advocacy Firm" stems from seeing firsthand how parents are kept uninformed about their legal rights in school meetings – an injustice she's determined to correct.
Whether you're wrestling with forgiveness, rebuilding after loss, or fighting for those without a voice, this episode reminds us that our deepest wounds often become our greatest purpose. Through tears, laughter, and unexpectedly poetic moments, we discover that even what seems like the end can become a beautiful beginning when we allow our brokenness to be transformed into something new.
Have you found purpose through your pain? We'd love to hear your story in the comments. Subscribe for more conversations that speak life into difficult situations.
memory I'll always cherish but um so, about a month or so goes by, all contact stops. Don't know what. You know why all contact stops. We're preparing to send out invitations, you know, for my graduation. All of this letters, all stop, calls stop. We never heard from him, ever again. I was devastated, absolutely devastated, because I had fully just been like okay, opened up. Yeah, I was devastated, absolutely devastated, because I had fully just been like okay, opened up yeah, I was devastated and, um, I always share that.
Speaker 1:It was like because I have a vivid imagination it was like I had this big iron castle door, you know, and I just shut it and I had like all these like the bars and all of this stuff you know, like welded shut. I'm never opening that again. No, and so like in my mind's eye.
Speaker 1:That's what I saw you know, like I just shut that and I never gave him another thought, you know. So here comes 2001. Little sister calls me. I found the family. I'm like what are you talking about? Yeah, she literally calls me at work, of all places for this. I'm in the break room and she tells me and the phone drops out of my hand because again in my mind's eye I see this big hand go to that door and be like yeah, just fling it open.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, holy spirit, yeah, um, and so all this stuff comes flooding back, you know. And so through that process is how we found, like I told you about his best friend and we, you know, she got contact with him and and everything else, and she goes down there, she made a trip to Key West to go get meet him and meet, like our cousin that she found that still lived in in, like he lived in Port Charlotte or whatever Florida, and so she's meeting all these people and this is like 2001 and we're up in Meet, like our cousin that she found that still lived in, like he lived in Port.
Speaker 1:Charlotte or whatever Florida. So she's meeting all these people and this is like 2001. And we're up in Maine at that time. Yeah, my ex and my youngest was born in Maine. So we were up in Maine at that time and we finally moved back to Florida right after 9-11. Wow.
Speaker 1:We wound up moving back to Florida, to Jacksonville, where my mom and my sister were we wound up moving back to Florida, to Jacksonville, where my mom and my sister were and for like the next, I don't know two years or whatever, she's constantly like on me, like constantly on me about.
Speaker 1:Well, maybe not constantly, it felt constantly to me but every now and then she'd be like you gotta go down, you gotta go down. I'm like no. Was she in contact with him? Well, he had passed away in 2001. You gotta go down. You gotta go down. You gotta go down.
Speaker 2:I'm like no so I remember being in. Was she in contact with him?
Speaker 1:well he was, he had passed away in 2001.
Speaker 4:The family yes yes, she was in contact like I had met.
Speaker 1:I had met my cousin yeah, yeah um, at that point, because my cousin came up and to come meet me, his and his wife constant.
Speaker 2:She was in constant contact with the cousin and um that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:But uh, I remember, um, I want to say it was 2004, it might have been 2003, but I remember, um, it came to the point where one night my mother, my sister and I, we had gone to go see some kind of I don't know play, or you know one of them christian play things like heaven, heavens, gates, things, whatever, and so we're driving back and my sister was in the back seat of the car I'm driving. She brings it up again and I'm like why are you talking about this?
Speaker 1:I don't want to go down to key west like I'm not going. Yeah, she's like I really think you need to put it to rest. I really think you need to just deal with it. You know, I'm like, leave me alone, I'm not going. She just kept going and going and finally I turned my head. I'm driving right, turn my head and look back at her while I'm driving. I'm like if you don't shut up, I am never going.
Speaker 1:So, she quit talking. Fast forward and I'm driving to work one day and I had to drive on like one of our major roads in Jacksonville to get to work and I pass a horrific accident, horrific accident. Like you knew there was a fatality.
Speaker 1:I think I do remember seeing like a sheet and stuff, yeah, and I just start praying for these people. I start praying for the family. You know like, oh my gosh, god, give them closure. Blah, blah, blah. As soon as I said that I'm driving on the interstate, okay, as soon as I say closure, I get this vision of this white rose floating on top of the water. When my sister had gone to Key West, she took a white rose and there's a famous pier there called the White Street Pier and they had had his service there. Like we learned that they had had his services there.
Speaker 1:So she took this rose and she went out to that pier and she threw the rose on the water Like she had her own little thing to put it to bed right. So that's what I see. So now I'm sobbing, going 60 miles down the road like trying to see, because I'm thinking of this and I knew immediately what it meant like the holy spirit and I heard god say it's time to stop running.
Speaker 1:Wow, you need to face this, wow. So I called my sister and I said make the arrangements. Wow. And so we we went down to Key West and, um, by that point she had gotten a box from his best friend which included some of his ashes like I didn't want them at my house.
Speaker 1:yeah, she kept them, but we took a tiny little Tupperware um to Key West and, um, I didn't want my sister going with me. But so my cousin and his wife went with us and so she drove me, the cousin's wife drove me out to the pier and I went out on the pier that morning that we were down there and went all the way to the end and just had my little time. You know, there was a couple people over here I didn't care who was out there, and it was like a windy day, and so, uh, I I go out to the end of this pier and I've got his little thing of ashes, you know, and I just start talking. I just start talking to his ashes, like as if he was there and I was like you know, this is what you did, this is this is how you hurt me, this is blah, blah, whatever. And and I pulled out my wallet when we still had, like, the pictures.
Speaker 3:you know that you would have in there and I was like this is what you missed out on.
Speaker 1:You miss seeing me get married. You miss walking me down the aisle. You've missed all of your grandkids Like I, just all of that you know, and it's all real, it's all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just, I just started talking to him like this is what you missed out on because of your choices. This is what you chose to do, you know, and so I said. However, I said I forgive you. I said I'm choosing to forgive you, you know. And I got closer to the railing and I said I just started singing amazing grace and the couple that was next to me, they looked over me like what is she doing?
Speaker 1:I was like I didn't care, you know so I sang just the very first verse of amazing grace and um, I popped open the lid to the little container and I said, you know, because it was breezy. And I said this is who you were. You were a free spirit yeah you went wherever the wind blew come on so I said so I'm returning you back to the wind. Wow, I mean not.
Speaker 1:You know I'm not liking, like I'm a christian, but this is just what I said symbolic gesture so I went like this to dump his ashes on the water, and at the moment that I did that, the wind shifted and blew right on me. I was covered head to toe in my father's ashes oh no when that happened felt the hug, didn't you?
Speaker 1:I felt arms around me and I was filled with so much warmth and so much love for a man that I never knew the kind of love a daughter should have for her father. And. I'm the kind of person where I'm not like a germaphobe, but I don't like feeling gritty. That was that morning. I went around the entire island of Key West in my father's ashes. Come on. We went back to the hotel. I refused to take a shower. Really.
Speaker 1:We went and we had plans to go to Hemingway's house. I went all through Hemingway's house covered in Lenny's ashes Like I was just. I had him on me the entire day. I mean, you couldn't see them?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but you knew't see them. Yeah, but you knew he was there. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I just I couldn't bring myself to get clean until that night and I haven't cried like that about this in a long time. I did when I first shared it, yeah, but.
Speaker 5:It's powerful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So forgiveness is a powerful, powerful thing. It really is, and it's not a cliche that forgiveness isn't for that person. It's for you.
Speaker 5:Set him free of a drug addiction. Yeah, forgiveness really is.
Speaker 2:I was a meth heroin addict for 25 years. The moment I forgave my dad, I haven't touched it since. Like literally just desire the need, the want left no withdrawals, no, nothing, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:So when I added my father years later, when I added my father to that first four-step, it was different than with all the rest of my family, because I had never processed anything with the rest of my family other than what I told you about the rest of my family, um other than the what I told you about the door of hope yeah um, so I had never processed anything with what I went through with my father.
Speaker 1:I knew he needed to be on there, but it wasn't the same because I'd already had that that moment yeah you know, years ago, but I still needed to process what had happened. Yeah, if that that makes sense I mean, I know it makes sense to you too, because you know, like recovery.
Speaker 1:But um, so I had forgiven him and I had this love for him that I had never had before, but he still needed to be on there because I had not actually processed what his choices had caused in me and in my life and the direction it had sent, not just my life, but really like the direction it sent, like my mom and me and, you know, my little sister, and some of which was good, you know, like Gus and Dave.
Speaker 1:I will forever be grateful for those two men. And they will always be my dad's. You know, like Gus and Dave, I will forever be grateful for those two men and they will always be my dads, you know, always be my dads. But so it was different, but he was part of.
Speaker 5:See, she did the same thing with her father and then her dads.
Speaker 1:We never called Gus. We never called him Gus. Gus was always our dad. And then when Dave came along, my mom explained like the dynamic and Dave never once asked us to call him dad. He always respected Gus and his role in our life. Even when I got married, gus was there and my mom was upset. I think that I didn't let Dave walk me down the aisle. Gus walked me down the aisle. Dave was cool. He was cool. He was like no, I don't want to walk you down.
Speaker 1:Well he didn't say it like that. He's like no, I didn't expect that I would be the one walking you, that's your dad. Yeah, you know, and he had that respect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did the same thing for him when me and his mom first got together. He's like what do I call you A father? I'm like no, you only got one father dude, you know what. I mean Pops. He told me, you can call me Pops, that's what I call my stepdad.
Speaker 1:Well, that's why you won't ever hear me call Lenny. You won't ever hear me call Lenny dad. I will always refer to, you might hear me say bio dad. If I'm trying to explain the weird dynamic of my life, when I'm trying to talk about the three of them. But, you'll never hear me call him dad, because he was my father, my biological.
Speaker 5:He just had me.
Speaker 1:He helped create me.
Speaker 2:We had his dad on our first video podcast. Our first video. It was my father. It's the first words. It's like what are we doing here? What am I doing?
Speaker 1:Well, he's dad, your father. I read that was interesting.
Speaker 5:It was, there was some healing in it, man there really was. Yeah, I think they got more out of it than I did, because for me, and his son moving in with us was probably a really bad decision.
Speaker 2:If I'm being honest.
Speaker 5:I was able to get high. I made as much as I wanted whenever I wanted. I made some choices with his son.
Speaker 1:Dad didn't know probably was not the best choices to make.
Speaker 2:But I was 25, 26 years old. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and so I got to apologize for that and make those amends with them in person and that was kind of cool man. Yeah, it was cool no, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:So celebrate recovery really was, um, it just became a lifeline for me in so many ways. And coming into Celebrate Recovery a little bit more than halfway through what wound up being my first marriage, first marriage, um, even when, um you know when, even when my ex-husband stopped going to Celebrate.
Speaker 1:Recovery. Like I continued and I just kept serving and like on the worship team and um I I helped to um, actually, the day that I got called by the ministry leader to ask if I would co-facilitate a um her I, literally a couple hours before that was the first day I discovered the Facebook affair. Really.
Speaker 1:I was still reeling from that when she called me and I was honest with her. I told her she's like oh wow, like no, you know, I can ask somebody else, you know, but God just put you on my heart. I said no, don't ask, let me just give me some time, yeah just let me think about it, yeah.
Speaker 1:I called her back the next day and I said let's do it amen you know, and that wound up being the best decision, because throughout the course of the study yeah, yeah, throughout the course of that stuff, study it, and it kept unfolding and it just got worse and worse and worse and there were so many times on that Monday night that I was able to go up in there and Talk about it my sisters rallied around me.
Speaker 5:Love that.
Speaker 1:And I remember at the end of the step study. I remember asking for their forgiveness and they're like for what? And I said I was a horrible leader. I was going through all of this, you know, and I feel like I really didn't help to lead, and they're like what are you talking about?
Speaker 2:they're like you modeled it that was.
Speaker 1:That's exactly what they said, like that was the best thing, you know, not that we wanted to go through that, but you know. So they really encouraged me in in that but um, I share that all the time. I was like had it not been for that step study oh, man in that because people kept even they kept asking me. They're like.
Speaker 5:God is good.
Speaker 1:How. They're like how are you? You're a better woman than we are. Blah, blah, blah Like. I heard that so many times and I said, well, honestly, it's God and God alone, because if I had not been in that step study in any capacity, I wouldn't have gotten through that time in any capacity. I wouldn't have gotten through that time Right. And then what led to our first? You know that led to our first separation, which wound up being about nine months, but I wouldn't have made it through that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so God definitely knew what he was doing, and I don't believe it was an accident at all that the very day that I discovered it, I get called to ask to co-lead there are no coincidences.
Speaker 5:No, I don't believe that at all I don't believe in coincidences.
Speaker 2:It's god's timing 100.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So celebrate. I haven't been like the entire time. I haven't always been able to be in a celebrate recovery for the better part of 12 years 2011 to. I've been very, very active in the Celebrate Recovery ministry, always serving in worship, sometimes getting to lead an open share group or be a part of the step study.
Speaker 2:How long were you in Jacksonville when you went back to Jacksonville after you left your husband?
Speaker 1:I wasn't in Jacksonville.
Speaker 2:Florida, though right, it was in Florida. Yeah, it wound up being two years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't know how long I was going to be there and but it wound up being two years. But so when I left him and I say this in my testimony I left a broken shell of a person with borrowed money, borrowed house, cause I was staying with my friend and her husband. The only thing that I had was that I had a job waiting for me, because as soon as I knew for sure that I really had to leave, I started looking and that's when I first started teaching. So I had never taught before other than being a substitute right, and so God opened up the door and I got hired to be, um, a classroom teacher for deaf students. Um, at this k through eighth school out there in, uh, port St Lucie, florida.
Speaker 1:But we lived in Vero Beach, my friend and I. We lived in Vero Beach, it's like I don't know 25 minute drive, and that's where I started teaching at. So I did two years there. So while I was there, um, I got there the beginning of September, because I left like the end of August. So I got over there like beginning of September. So I started a new life, essentially right, I started a new career and something I really didn't have any experience in other than interpreting for deaf like, so I knew my way around yeah, you know deaf, um.
Speaker 1:But I had already made the decision, before this night of terror happened, that I wanted to pursue a master's in special education, right with the purpose of trying to become a resource teacher not a classroom teacher a resource teacher. So I made the decision to still go for it. I had so many people tell me I was crazy. They're like, what are you doing? You just had to leave your husband you're. You're over here like you're doing all. Why? Why do you want to do that to yourself? And I was like it's just something I have to do. And so I did.
Speaker 1:I enrolled in a you know, an online program, got financial aid and everything, and the two years that I was there, I was not only happy to learn how to my new, what my new life looked like, and navigate all of that. I did find a celebrate recovery over there. So I started going to celebrate recovery. So I was still doing celebrate recovery but so learning a new life, learning a new career, going to school at the same time but some of the stuff I was learning I was able to put immediately into practice hands-on, because I was in a sped field right, yeah, come on.
Speaker 1:So by the time my second year ended and I knew that I wasn't going to get my contract renewed, and by that time I was really yearning to come back to Louisiana, I had my own money. Come on. I had a place to stay because I had a friend in Louisiana that was going to let me crash with her. But I was now a graduate with a master's in special education yeah.
Speaker 2:So I went back, broken empty and came back. I went back with an upgrade.
Speaker 3:Yeah come on man. Yeah, I used my own money for the move and the move back to.
Speaker 1:Louisiana. That had to feel good.
Speaker 2:It did.
Speaker 1:That really did feel good and I didn't have anywhere else in Louisiana to go, so my friend was still in the same area, the same city.
Speaker 3:that I had left. Is this the one that you grew up with?
Speaker 1:No, that's the one in Florida.
Speaker 5:Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the one that helped me get out of the situation, that's my high school friend.
Speaker 5:Thank God for friends man.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, the friend that I moved in with when I went back to Louisiana, she was from my church, yeah, and so we were kind of close and she let me crash there while I looked for a place to live and get back on my feet. But it was my own, it was all my own money like it was a very different situation and I had a degree under my belt come on. I mean, I had a bachelor's already, but like this was different.
Speaker 1:You know, I had a graduate degree under my belt that I got during one of the absolute hardest periods of my life ever.
Speaker 1:Even toward the end of school I had to take a break. I had to take like almost a two-month break because things just got a little too much for me. And I still had so many people telling me, like what's the point? Like just why are you even going to go back? Like this is you're crazy. And I said, well, I'm not gonna stop. I mean, I dropped out of junior college, I've got my bachelor's already and I'm like no, I have to do this come on, I was determined, like I have to finish this for you.
Speaker 5:You left and went to Florida for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 5:You had to finish this for you.
Speaker 1:Exactly so. I was like I have to finish this. I am not. I'm not going to drop out just because I'm taking a leave of absence, because mentally, like I just I couldn't take it.
Speaker 2:Like the divorce had happened.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the divorce had just happened and just some other things that were going on, and so the only thing that I could take a break from was school.
Speaker 2:And so.
Speaker 1:I took a break mentally. I needed it because it was starting to affect my grades, um. But no, I was determined to finish and I did, and I, I went back with a master's degree Come on man.
Speaker 1:So awesome yeah, Come on man, that's awesome, yeah, and I had a job waiting for me too. I had another teaching job waiting already for when I got back in Louisiana, so I was able to hit the ground running even though I was staying with my friend, but it was when I went back. You know they say this about grief too, because I've also helped facilitate in, like the grief share ministry. After going through it myself, I facilitate every now and then. Good, this is very similar to losing a loved one, very similar Like some of the things that you go through, like a divorce of any kind. You go through some of the same exact things. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Like the mental state, that you're in the emotional state, the things that come up, it's still a loss. Yes, come up.
Speaker 2:And during the grief.
Speaker 1:It's still a loss. Yes, it is. It is a loss and again, I do not negate anybody that has lost a loved one. I know that pain all too real. You know, from losing my dad and if that's your spouse, like my mom lost her husband. Yeah, I will never downplay that, I will never negate that. Yeah husband. Yeah, um, I will never downplay that, I will never negate that. Yeah, however, my experience is that um losing your spouse due to divorce is often worse. Yeah, and in my case it was yeah it's worse.
Speaker 1:And then if it's you compound that with what I went through yeah, I now only, not only lost my spouse to divorce. I was now facing a whole new realm of like, rejection and stuff and like why wasn't I good enough for him? Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like I remember crying that out and you know, just like I remember going through those processes. I knew the divorce was coming. I knew the papers were coming, because I was in Florida and he was in Louisiana and he I remember him texting me I filed yeah, it was, it was mutual. When we finally degree, finally agreed that we just weren't going to make it. Um, because of some things. Amen, he. She showed his true colors basically is what happened?
Speaker 1:because we were. I thought we were trying to reconcile and then he showed us true colors. And is what happened? Because I thought we were trying to reconcile and then he showed his true colors and I was like you know, I don't think this is going to work.
Speaker 2:And once they get to that point, they'll do it again.
Speaker 1:Yep, yes, yeah, so yeah, but you know he still stuck it to me Like he was supposed to send me the papers to sign, and he found out that that.
Speaker 1:So that was in September of 2018 and he was supposed to send me the papers for me to sign, like have them served to me to sign. And then he found out through our children that I was actually coming to Louisiana for a visit the weekend of my birthday because we were expecting our first grandchild that was supposed to be born like around that time, and so I had arranged to come in. And when he found that out he never sent the papers I just give them to you while you're here yes, yeah, that was what.
Speaker 1:That was what his plan was. He's like I'm just gonna give them to you. But he knew when I was coming in and he was like look, this is where I'm gonna to be, this is what time I'm going to be there. And he wanted me to stop on my way in, and it was like at a Burger King, and so I did. I stopped on my way in.
Speaker 2:One last chance to control the situation?
Speaker 1:Yes, so I stopped on my way in and he was sitting and people are unreal bro.
Speaker 4:Well, he was sitting down at a it's called Narcissus, it is, it is. It is.
Speaker 1:He was sitting down at a booth and I never even sat down. Wow. I had no intention of staying there. Yeah. You know, I was like I was tired because I drove. Yeah. Like I drove from Florida to I didn't fly, so I had no intention of and I didn't want to um, so the whole time he's got the papers in his hands and I'm just standing.
Speaker 4:he's like well you just sit down? Like no, can you just give me the paper?
Speaker 1:like yeah, just give me the papers and so he was like blah blah and I, he gives it to me. And I started, while he's like you're not gonna sign them, I said no, I am not signing these right now. I have not had a chance to look through them. No, it was. It was a page and a half yeah we didn't have anything that we were contending. You know, the children were grown yeah we had no assets together yeah, nothing.
Speaker 1:So the only thing I asked for was I. I asked for him to put a clause in there that I was going to take my maiden name back, and he even fought me on having that in there, but he finally did it. Um, so that's the only thing I asked for. So he wasn't happy that I walked out with the papers, but I did, and so later, when I was at my friend's house, you know, I wound up reading the papers and I was like, okay, I don't have any issues with this, he gave me my clause, I'll sign them. But they had to be notarized, right.
Speaker 1:So had a hard time finding a notary. And then somebody told me about a mobile notary and I was like, okay, cool. And she's a Christian woman, like, okay, cool. So I called her up and the only time she had to meet with me was Sunday afternoon. I was like, okay, that's fine, I can meet you after church. And we met at the Starbucks right by the church and we were there for like two hours before I even got around the signing, because she was very she's a spirit-filled Christian woman and she just sensed, you know, and so we were kind of talking, she was ministering to me a little bit.
Speaker 1:Finally it was time to sign it. And again, something about Starbucks and having to write things down. I put my pen on the paper and I stopped and I had just tears going down and she's like, like are you okay? And I said no, not really. And she goes, what's going on? And I said I just realized what this indicates and she says what do you mean?
Speaker 1:I said well, when my husband and I were separated before, I had a vision one night. I was helping to clean a friend's apartment, you know, a little one bedroom apartment, and I just had this vision of like this was going to be me, this was going to be my life. I was going to be living alone in a little apartment or whatever. And I said and then there was a knock on the door and I realized it was my birthday and when I opened up the door there was my husband and he had a gift box I could know the kind of shirts come in and she goes well, okay. And I said, oh well, that was really nice of you. And I said I opened up this box and it was divorce papers. Oh geez.
Speaker 1:This was the vision I had. Yeah. Two years prior. Wow, or like whatever it was right. Yeah, before we reconciled, I had this, so it was probably. It's probably been more than that Wow. So I'm sitting here in the Starbucks and that's why I started crying and she was like what's today I said my birthday Yep Damn. I signed my divorce papers on my birthday, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I texted him and I said papers are signed, you know, and I'm getting ready to leave, like papers are signed. Where do you want me to meet you to give them to you? And I said, kind of sucky, I signed them on my birthday. And he says, well, happy birthday, that's the only thing you're going to get from me. Wow, great, this is the kind of man that I'm married to. So I was like, okay, whatever. So I gave him the papers and I left and I, you know, I went back home.
Speaker 2:Do you look back now and see that as like a gift of freedom for you?
Speaker 1:I see it a little bit differently. Yeah. I didn't. I still don't see that particular day as a gift of freedom. I see the divorce day. Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I have mixed feelings about that day but um, I have mixed feelings about that day. Yeah, um, yeah, I have really mixed feelings about that day and I fully believe that that vision, even though it didn't happen the same exact way, I fully believe that that vision was god preparing me for what was going to happen in the future and he, he, loves me so much that he had a godly woman be there with me.
Speaker 2:Come on, yeah Amen, because I was a wreck.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when I realized what it was. Yeah. And she just put her hand on my hand and she just sat there and let me cry, wow, and she prayed for me. Yeah, dang, so like even in that.
Speaker 5:He's so personal Even in that God is with me. He's such a good father, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Even in that, but so he got and for her to spend that much time with you knowing that she was just there to write a piece of paper.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she was an older woman. She was really super sweet, really sweet.
Speaker 2:I thank God for her. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I really think, because it was a hard weekend anyway, but I really thank God for that woman. I don't even remember what her name is God brings strangers.
Speaker 1:She was referred to somebody I knew that I had formerly gone to church with oh and you were asking about how the church reacted when I came back for that visit. I went to that church For that Sunday and when I walked in it's a larger church, so some people didn't know me, but the people that did know me it was a whole mixed bag of reactions Because when I left he returned back.
Speaker 5:Oh, so he started talking, yeah.
Speaker 1:And that was confirmed to me by conversations I had with some of those people that they were like well you this and you that I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no he had to go back and try to make himself look good, yeah, so it was a mixed bag of reactions and I literally felt like I had the scarlet letter on my chest.
Speaker 1:I did Especially when I talked to he's not the senior, he's not the senior pastor anymore. Um, he's passed the baton on to one of the younger pastors. But um, especially when I went up to go say hi to the senior pastor, he had a conflicted reaction to me and I was like I don't know how to take that.
Speaker 1:You know, I really I didn't know how to take that it was very I don't really know the right word for it, but yeah, I left there that day with all kinds of feelings going on. But so then fast forward. He gets the papers, he files you know, whatever.
Speaker 1:So I get to my classroom, the the morning of december 10th 2018, a date that will always be in my mind I had just walked in my classroom and I was starting to prepare, um, you know, for my kids getting there, and I get a text message from him because I didn't have him blocked yet because of the kids.
Speaker 1:You know, I get a text message from him because I didn't have him blocked, yet because of the kids, you know, I get a text message from him to let me know that he had gotten the notification that the uh, the divorce judgment was final.
Speaker 4:Come on, and it was like this long jubilation thing, like he was just gloating and like it was a really not a good not a good text message at all yeah, I felt like I had been sucker punched.
Speaker 1:I didn't know how to feel about it, like I knew that this was the right thing, but I didn't know how to process it, how to feel about it. And then his reaction to it was just like what kind of a person are you?
Speaker 2:One last jab.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, very much so, and so I was so shooken up by it that I had to go to my mentor's classroom. She had done some time as a counselor and so I had to go to her classroom and I just broke down and she had to talk me through it and off the ledge, and then I had to go and teach that day and I just had to keep it together. Yeah, about two days after that, I get home from work and I checked my mail and I go and I sit down and I'm in my living room. The actual judgment had gotten there. Yeah, um, I was like, okay, whatever, you know, I'm cool, I already processed this.
Speaker 1:And so I open it up and I'm reading and I get down to the bottom of the first page and I don't remember exactly how it was worded now, but the way that the judge had worded it and talking about me, it was, it was like judgment against me, it was. It was worded a really weird way, um, and I remember when I read that, I suddenly couldn't breathe and I just started sobbing because I literally felt like I was being judged for everything that had happened the divorce, everything leading up to it and I was like, what is this Like? It took me a while to get over that. I bet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because it's like in black and white, you know this person that didn't even know me. Yeah, and the wordage that they used in this legal document and I was like it's all your fault or something. Yeah, that's, that's that's exactly how I felt and I wasn't prepared for that. Wow, you know. So, um, so it was. It was a lot that I had to I bet sis that I had to process with that, especially knowing you know some of that happened so so then I get back to Louisiana, back to the area that we're in, and to circle back to the grief process.
Speaker 1:I started experiencing that because we we tell people when they're going through the grief process, like in grief share, you know anything and everything can trigger a memory that you have of that loved one, especially like your first or whatever. And even in recovery, we tell people, like addicts particularly. We often tell them you may have to completely get out of the area, change your circle of friends, like familiarity is not your friend, that type of thing. Well, that's what I started experiencing because I was back in the same town. I was back around the same people that we both knew, some of which had turned against me, um, which is part of my church, hurt um, people that I thought that. I was there.
Speaker 1:I was there for eight years. He was nowhere to be found. I was the one that was in your inner circle, I was the one that was serving, like all this stuff that I had to deal with. But that's also when my healing journey really began, because in that time there was this group that I discovered on Facebook called Voices of Acadiana, because our region that we lived in was called the Acadiana region. It's like Lafayette and then like all these other little towns around it, and they are a domestic violence advocacy group, and so I started seeing their posts. I mean, like I'd never seen them before, and suddenly here they are.
Speaker 1:And they kept popping up, and kept popping up, and it was through them that I started learning the truth about domestic violence and abuse, because I still had the mentality of oh, that's not going to be out of you even with everything, I went through because I didn't know yet. So learning all the different types of abuse, that's when my eyes first started opening that oh my gosh, he did that to me. Oh my gosh, he did that to me. Oh my gosh, he did this to me.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I went through that and that, and that's when the flashbacks would start and God would just start revealing and taking like those glasses off and seeing really, really clearly for the first time. So the first year, year and a half, of this walk, it was super intense. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Super, super intense. I can remember so many times because I started going to a different church and I can remember so many times at the end of service, because they flowed a lot in the prophetic at that church and me winding up on the floor of that church because they were praying for me because I was going through my next step.
Speaker 1:I was going through that next step and feeling things that I had never felt. You know, seeing things, and this one particular night I just remember. I remember being on the floor and I distinctly remember hearing this, what sounded like an inhuman sound. And I'm just, you know, there on the floor, just like, oh, you know, under the Holy Spirit. And when I got up, people were like I was just, you know, there on the floor, just like, oh, you know, under the Holy Spirit. And when I got up, people were like I was like did y'all hear that sound? They said that was you. I'm like what they said, that was you. And that night, I believe, is when the big thing broke.
Speaker 1:You know, because I had been having all these, like he had to break down through so many layers. You know like we think of it as agriculture right. We have so many, especially here in Arizona so many hard layers that you have to break through to get to the fertile.
Speaker 2:Get to the core.
Speaker 1:And so like I'm not at the core yet, I know, I'm not because it goes so deep, so deep, because it goes so deep, so deep. But that particular night it was like God had finally been able to get down to the first big whatever. And when it broke off of me, that's what that inhuman sound coming out of me was. Nice Was just.
Speaker 1:Deliverance yes, just releasing that Deliverance, Just releasing that just releasing that, you know, and I'm still on my healing journey from it Like that's why I recognized when I moved here to Arizona. By the time I moved to Arizona I was at my next stage in my healing where I was just feeling stuck.
Speaker 5:What brought you here?
Speaker 1:Um, so I my favorite actor is Dean Cain, and um, through him, I became aware of a? Uh independent film group who, uh, I'm no longer going to call it Christian.
Speaker 2:Were you a Superman fan? Oh, I've been a Superman fan, but the TV show he was in yeah, I actually don't remember it when in the nineties.
Speaker 1:I rediscovered it during COVID yeah. Yeah, I rediscovered it during COVID, but I've always been a Superman fan since you know Christopher Reeve. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Um, so there was. He was part of this little independent film group that, um, the owner portrays it as Christian and we've since learned some things, since I don't call it that anymore, but, um, through that, but through that and through me liking Dean Cain, I kind of became involved with it and was extra in a couple of movies. And one of the movies that I was an extra in they wound up doing a film debut of it here in Phoenix At the church. I wound up when I moved here. Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:That's how I found out about the church. Wow.
Speaker 1:So, in commenting and trying to, you know, find out about the film debut, I had prepared to come over here and they had started this little club here, and some of the people that were in the club were on Facebook, one of which being my now husband, jason Baker oh, on Facebook, one of which being my now husband, jason Baker and so he was selling like decals to raise money for the club and I was like, okay, cool. So I contacted him to get like a decal, Didn't think anything of it. We became Facebook friends because of it and then, you know, nothing really happened through that. I wound up not being able to come to the film thing, but we stayed Facebook friends. So that was in like February of 2021.
Speaker 1:Okay, from that day on, he started popping up on my feed and so I started seeing his journey of stuff that he would post about. You know, like between the custody stuff and then like just things that were happening to him and, um, this he was going through this crazy landlord stuff and though, so then, mid-september of 2021, um, he was having to suddenly move out of his house because the landlord was crazy and he had all these people that said, yeah, we're going to be there, we're going to help you move, whatever. And they're done that.
Speaker 5:Yeah we have.
Speaker 1:We're in the middle of one I had an hour long commute every day. I was teaching at the state school for the deaf at that time in louisiana, so I had an hour long commute every day on i-10, um. And so I get up at that in the morning and first thing on my feed is him and he's talking about how it's moving day. He doesn't own a truck. Everybody flaked on him. Oh wow, everybody flaked on him and he he was just like mentally, like you could, just it was coming through, like the words that he was using and like like my heart went out to him Because we had already started. Every now and then we would comment on each other's things or whatever. So I'm driving, I'm already on the interstate, and the Holy Spirit starts saying I want you to send him that song, and I'm like what song he's like? You know the song that really ministered to you when you were in Florida, and it's Rebuilder by the band Carrollton.
Speaker 1:They're like a Christian alternative, I don't know southern rock or whatever, and that song was paramount for me when I was in Florida. It literally talks about how, like, my whole life was crumbling and everything, but then you came and, like you, rebuilt me. You, you know, you're my rescuer, my savior, like it's an amazing song. Look it up, it's awesome. Um, so this is the song that the holy spirit was like send this man that song and I'm like I don't even know this man.
Speaker 1:But finally I did it, and you know, while I'm still trying to drive on the interstate I don't do that often- um, yeah, okay, girls can multitask so I opened up messenger, you know, and I just I did talk to text and I said this little blurb you know, it's the most I had ever spoken to him did this little burb um about what it was and sent him the song. I had about 30 minutes left, you know, of my drive. I get to school, I get in my classroom, my phone pings. It was him. He responded back and he was like thank you and blah, blah, blah. Well, all throughout that day he kept like saying stuff and then when I'd get a chance I'd read and I'd like respond back. You know, just like normal, like little chit chat whatever, and then I'll never forget this.
Speaker 1:He asked me he goes. Can I ask you a personal question? And this is in the messenger. And I said yeah, and he goes. Are you always this colorful? Now, that's usually a negative connotation yeah like how are you gonna ask somebody that? Yeah so I was like, what do you mean by colorful? He had been like watching my Facebook page and I told you I love to do all the dress-ups right and I will always take a picture. I'd always post and I was like happy, whatever day you know, and like I'd tell you what day it is.
Speaker 1:That's what he meant he was like yeah, I see all these things and everything else and I was like, yeah, okay, cool, whatever.
Speaker 1:well, I was leaving early that day because I was driving back to Florida for a three-day deaf Turks conference, but all the time that I was there he's still messaging me all throughout that weekend right and so and then I leave to drive back to Louisiana and by the time I got into Louisiana it was late and I was really tired and we're still like messaging and we exchanged phone numbers and we talked for the first time and he actually helped keep me awake all the way home. We never quit talking. From that point on and over the next two weeks we just really developed very quickly. We could sense that we were developing feelings and everything and um, wow now, this had been like you know my well, this was, you know, my.
Speaker 1:My divorce was in 2018, when I first moved back to louisiana. Um, I met this other guy who is now married to my one of my best friends in louisiana. He's like the male version of me, um, and but god used him, used my friend john, to show me that I would be able to love again. Yeah. I would be able to trust a man again. Wow, because I didn't think I would. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I was so shattered and incredibly broken, yeah, by you know, my first marriage and what my ex had put me through, yeah, so God used John in that way. And so now here comes Jason right. And so now here comes Jason right. And so we go like two weeks in and I'm feeling things that I didn't even feel with my ex-husband and I'm like my little sister she said it's so fun to watch you do this Like you're like a little school girl. She thought it was the cutest thing.
Speaker 1:So so finally, right, so finally I just it was like after church one night I just we had our. You know, we had the time difference, so we had our little call after church one night and I said Okay, let's just talk about this. And I said I want to lay this cards out on the table. I said I've grown really, really fond of you. And he's like, well, I'm fond of you too. And we just laid it out on the table. I was like you know, this is what I. This, if we're going to do anything with these feelings like this, is not just to be dating like we're too old for that anyway you know.
Speaker 1:So we set the ground rules right away that if we went down this road, this is what it was for yeah um he was courting you yeah, yeah, he definitely, and so marriage was the end. Yes, and that was I was always very clear about that from he was courting you?
Speaker 5:Yeah, yeah, he definitely, and so Marriage was the end. Yes, and that was.
Speaker 1:I was always very clear about that from the very beginning, and he not so much. At first he was kind of gun shy but he obviously came around, yeah. But so that's why I wound up moving, because, you know, my kids were grown and when we finally had started our official relationship I think we got like another month into it and he was like, you know, if we continue to get this serious, we're going to have to just think about this, somebody's going to have to relocate. And I didn't hesitate and I said, well, it would be me. And he goes what I said well, yeah, it would be me, you know. And he's like I can't take you away from your kids. And I was like, babe, my kids are grown. But at the time his son was 10. And he, you know, he's still in like a custody battle.
Speaker 1:I said I could never ask you Never could I ask you to? Leave your son, like I would never do that. So that's how I wound up over here, and when I knew for sure that I was coming, I started searching for jobs and, um, I actually got hired for one job. They knew I was relocating and then, two weeks after, I moved here in special ed for the deaf kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, yeah, so two weeks two weeks after I moved here and I was in the official onboarding process, like I had been offered the job, I had accepted everything they emailed me and said we've given it to somebody else.
Speaker 3:What Like they took the, it was, I was like what.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's how I wound up over here. I eventually did still get.
Speaker 2:God had something else planned, didn't he?
Speaker 1:Well, I did end up still getting hired with the state school for the deaf, but as an itinerant teacher, and that first position was supposed to be for, like the early intervention, which is is that, phoenix?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, yeah there's well, the day school.
Speaker 1:It's part of us. But that were part of them.
Speaker 2:I'm not with them anymore. What's the name that goes before? There's a name that goes with it, isn't there?
Speaker 1:so the one you're thinking of it's still part of the state school for the deaf, but it's the day school. It's the Phoenix Day School for the deaf.
Speaker 2:I thought there was a name that went before.
Speaker 5:I didn't know there was a school just for deaf kids. Yeah, there is, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:I don't know if every state has it, but almost every state has a state run and operated school for the deaf and it's usually combined with the blind, but they're on like two separate parts of the campus.
Speaker 2:It would be too expensive to offer teachers that can sign language to every school, every district and all that stuff. It would be impossible to find that many people.
Speaker 1:Well, it would surprise you to know that not every teacher that teaches at a state school for the deaf knows sign language.
Speaker 2:Really God Jesus.
Speaker 1:Yep. And I think it's different at each school, because some schools, like, really are. No, you have to know.
Speaker 5:In other schools, they're like yeah, yeah, you'd think they'd have to know. How else are you going to talk to the kids?
Speaker 1:Not all the kids know Jesus. That goes back to what we were talking about before. Not all the kids there know they pick it up.
Speaker 2:Okay, do you know how, like when we.
Speaker 1:That's like got to be abuse.
Speaker 5:Well, check it out when we were in elementary school we had segments.
Speaker 2:We had math for you know this hour, english for that hour. Whatever, you know what I mean. Mm-hmm. There should be like a segment where you're teaching them sign language. It's like English. Teaching them English, you're teaching them how to communicate. Teaching them how to communicate.
Speaker 1:That would be school specific, Because when I was teaching in Louisiana, the state school there didn't have it for some of the younger ones, but when they got into some of the older grades they did have that. They had a block of time allotted in the school day that was for teaching them the sign language, Partly because some of them didn't know it. And then the other part is in the public school system they don't teach American sign language. They don't teach ASL. Asl is more than just signs and you know. If you don't know, you don't know. So American Sign Language is more than just the signs, it's an actual recognized language.
Speaker 1:If it's taught in a high school, you can get a foreign language credit for it in most states if it's taught in your high school because it has its own grammar and syntax, like english, french, any of that does. It's an actual language and they fought hard to get it recognized as such but it asl yeah, that stands for american, american sign the father daughter that I like to watch.
Speaker 2:They asked one of the questions was do you use words like uh, a two, you know? I mean the way she explained it, as is like how we, like we, would say you know, do you want to go to the park? In sign language is it's how she said. If they're doing asl.
Speaker 1:It's yoda speak if you know what star wars is yoda the way that he talks?
Speaker 2:he talks backwards.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah that's how I explain it to people you want to go. That's the grammar structure for oh, it's like spanish.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, that's the actual grammar structure for asl.
Speaker 1:If you're doing actual full asl, yeah, what a lot of the most of the public school system started and I want to say it was maybe back in the 70s is when it started. They took, they took the sign language vocabulary and they created this program called C. It's another acronym, it's called Signed Exact English. So what they did was they took the English grammar structure. They put American Sign Language signs to it, but they also took certain signs and initialized them, and what we mean by that is they took whatever the letter was so like, for instance, the sign for we W-E, like we in ASL it's your finger down and going like this In C, they initialized it with the W. No need to have done that. Okay, but this is what they did, and there's a lot of signs that they did that with.
Speaker 2:So ask you this, because you're talking, we're talking about school now, so we're talking kids that are five, six, seven years old, right? Younger kids impressionable so you're trying to tell me that a five to six year old deaf kid, who parents may not have took the time to learn sign language. They're in school. How do they communicate? Because obviously they don't know sign language. They got to write everything out well, no what if they don't know how to? I mean, how are they communicating?
Speaker 1:it will be rare it would be really rare for one of those kids to come in um not aided? Oh, not aided what? Does that mean have a person with me, not having yeah, um, I've never experienced I think once have I experienced that where um, and that was my first year when I was doing the um, the substitute one of the one of the little girls
Speaker 1:she didn't have any aids and so it was very difficult community because she was learning sign language. So it was very difficult because she was learning sign language so it was very difficult communicating with her because she did not have that language base, which is why I'm such an advocate for it.
Speaker 2:So let me ask you this If you don't know, that's okay, I'm sure you don't know everything. But when a kid is diagnosed as being deaf at say, two or whatever, it is a year and a half, two years old that they realize my kid's not really hearing. Is there obviously that's considered a disability. Are they assigned like an advocate at that time that kind of helps them go through the process? Or can a parent say, good, we'll just take the kid and go? I mean, how does that work? Because some parents may not want to accept that and they just kind of go and take the kid and the kid just doesn't learn. I mean, how does that? How does that work? Do you know?
Speaker 1:um, I actually do not know, but that also may be um something that is state or even county specific. Yeah, um, there's, there's not like a lot of like, there's not any really laws, that I know, something that is state or even county specific? Yeah, because I know with my nephew. There's not like a lot of like. There's not any really laws that I know about.
Speaker 2:Because I know with my nephew he had people that were helping him and helping his mom obviously you know what I mean and they both learned how to sign because she can sign with them.
Speaker 5:I mean there's certainly tons of resources out there, but if they want to use them or if they're told about them.
Speaker 1:That's one of the other problems.
Speaker 5:People withhold them or don't man God help us. This is part of the fight.
Speaker 1:This is part of the fight is that parents are not always given the best information to make that and whose fault is? That Well. I feel a little pissed off right now that you said if you ask, me the it's medical the fault mainly lies medical in the medical experts because when they're giving that diagnosis and their, their ability to test hearing now in newborns, is that the health insurances that. I don't know.
Speaker 2:It's probably all wrapped up in one, but because once, like say, say, say, parents have insurance, right, they take their kid to the doctor and they realize they're deaf. The insurance is probably going to be like, this is going to be expensive. Give them minimal information and let them deal with it on their own kind of situation. You know what I mean, because we know the health care denies people, certain things because they don't want to spend the money.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Exactly things because, yeah, I got. They don't want to spend the money. You know what I mean exactly. You see it all the time. We just saw the guy in new york that shot the united health care dude because of that. You know what I mean. So we know that's a real thing, it's real so is it that? Insurances or the health care industry is like let's keep this information to a minimal, so we're not spending money.
Speaker 1:It's probably part of that in some, in some, I would not be surprised, you know, to find that out, because hearing aids alone, just regular hearing aids, they can be minimum three grand. Yeah, they're not cheap For one yeah. For one. Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1:And a lot of the. The majority of these kids are bilateral, meaning both ears have hearing loss, and so if you're getting aided now, you've got two. Now there are a lot. I I think arizona is the same, and I know louisiana, louisiana and florida, all um. I think it's through the school system, but it might just be through the state. A lot of states do have a resource to help parents with the first set. The first one. Now, if that kid loses it or something else, then the parents are responsible for replacing it at their own expense.
Speaker 5:Okay.
Speaker 1:So there are some resources. It's just making sure that parents have all the correct resources and so in in addition to me, and I had to leave teaching unexpectedly is there?
Speaker 2:is there an outside source that? Not deaf doctors, not the students. Is there an outside advocate agency that is designed to?
Speaker 5:help a parent of a deaf kid so locally I'm.
Speaker 1:I don't know of any locally, or even maybe at a state level. But there are groups there are groups that you can look up. Um, I can't think of their names right now, but there are deaf advocacy groups that try to have, and most of them are comprised of mainly deaf yeah but then you may have people like me who are involved in the deaf community, or what we call CODAs children of deaf adults, you know.
Speaker 1:So there's things like that, but what you're talking about specifically is something else that God put on my heart, like a few years ago and that hasn't come to pass either yet yet okay.
Speaker 5:So now. Now we're getting into the place of what you're believing God for to manifest in the future yeah we're definitely there. We've we've come of this childhood, this crazy salvation walking down man, and the salvation is how you made it through, everything that you made it through.
Speaker 1:I have often said that if it wasn't for my faith that I would have long since given in to the suicidal thoughts or I'd be in a minute hospital right now.
Speaker 5:I was going to ask you earlier if you've had any, but you just I have.
Speaker 1:I struggled, I struggled as a teenager when I started really walking and like I had so much opposition. And then there was two different times during my I struggled as a teenager when I started really walking and like I had so much opposition. And then there was two different times during my marriage, during my first marriage that I really struggled with suicidal thoughts and like major depression, but it went undiagnosed.
Speaker 5:Yeah, the church just deal with it, pray more. Yeah, pray enough. Get out of the face we don't do that here man. If you need meds get use your meds. If you need to see therapists, use your therapist man exactly, there's tons of different people and things that god has created and made for us to get the help we need right?
Speaker 2:no, I have struggled with that before we get into what you believe in god. For I just want to note the fact that when you started talking about your current husband, the way that you lit up and kind of got good. That's real. It was cool to see.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 2:Knowing what you've been through and now hearing your story and a lot of your story was I'm not going to lie it was kind of heavy.
Speaker 5:Heavy. You know what I mean? It was yeah.
Speaker 2:But when you got to talking about Jason and the things, you kind of got bubbly and kind of lit up a little bit.
Speaker 1:Don't get me wrong, we have our.
Speaker 2:Of course. You're married, dude, I get that.
Speaker 1:And there's been some you know there's been triggers as I'm still walking.
Speaker 2:No marriage is perfect, don't get me wrong, but to see you kind of come alive a little bit when you were talking about the meeting him and that whole process, that was cool to see and I'm happy for you that that made you feel that again. You know what I mean. That was cool to see, man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's a good man. I mean, he's got his flaws, like we all do, but he's a good man.
Speaker 2:But to see how you reacted when you were talking about it was cool to see after hearing everything that we just heard, man.
Speaker 1:Thank you, that's encouraging. That that's encouraging. That is that's encouraging.
Speaker 5:It encourages me and lets me know that there's still hope for me.
Speaker 1:Yes, there's always hope. There's always hope. Yes, Shut up.
Speaker 5:Dad, it's coming, man, please Lord.
Speaker 2:I do have the faith of a mustard seed, God I swear, I swear, she's out there somewhere.
Speaker 1:I just want to have that love journey man. The little kid is like oh, this is great, absolutely. No, I believe that.
Speaker 5:Yeah, she's out there somewhere, amen I'm believing it for him yes there's a lot of people praying for her. You're getting prayer wherever you are honey so what do we got?
Speaker 1:so one of the things that um because we were talking about how I first got into teaching because I saw a need and it angered me and I wanted to do something you know about it to be in a position to help deaf children. So unfortunately, here in Arizona, due to their really really stringent certification requirements that I just I didn't have the time or money to get done, I had to unexpectedly leave teaching. Oh wow. And so, um, and that was last February, oh wow, and so I was just going to go back into the corporate world. I was going to do, like you know, administrative assistant type of stuff, whatever, and through doing that, this other job popped up doing aba therapy for children on the spectrum and it's um, so I'm always trying to remember what this is.
Speaker 1:Applied behavior analysis therapy yeah, um, so I, I, you know, I I applied to the position. I went to a um hiring event, got offered the job like pretty much right away, um, and so I started, like last february, doing that.
Speaker 1:I love what I do, uh, but that is how I wound up getting hurt this february and I've been on a medical leave since then really um, yeah tore up my knees and everything, which that's a healing journey in and of itself, what god's been doing in my knees, yeah, so I love what I do and I love, you know, working with the special needs kids and community, whether it's my deaf kids or it's kids with autism, or during my last little bit of teaching being an itinerant teacher, some of my deaf kids had what they're called MMDSI, which just means that they have multiple things going on. Oh wow.
Speaker 5:A lot of them do Right, so they weren't just deaf. Some of them had cognitive.
Speaker 1:I hate the word disabilities. I learned the word exceptionalities my first year of teaching and I love that. That is so.
Speaker 5:I love that. I love that term.
Speaker 1:It's what that school chose to use. Exceptionalities. That word's not accepted everywhere.
Speaker 5:They just say exceptionalities, but I like that yeah.
Speaker 1:I like that better, but anyways. So some of my students had these multiple issues or whatever. So, whether just any kind of special needs, I have a heart for it and really want to reach out. But saying that, even during my time as a teacher, whether I was classroom teaching or I was doing itinerant work, which means I had a caseload of students and I would oh I, because they have these.
Speaker 1:They have these plans called the individual education plans, and so for that student yes, so if your child is in gifted or your child has, like, disabilities or whatever, Exceptionalities. Yes. Exceptionalities yes. Then they're given one of these plans.
Speaker 5:Right Tracks.
Speaker 1:Right. So and what that happens like if you go on the not gifted side, but if you go on like the side I was in, they, they depending on whatever their needs are.
Speaker 1:They would qualify for certain things, like they may get resource at school or resource teacher time um you know, I was a deaf teacher and so I would go as an itinerant teacher and I had a caseload of students in the public school systems and I would go. Well, however many minutes let's say they had like 120 minutes they qualified for. Well, I would break that up into it might be one 30 minute session a week that I would go and see them to add up to that entire month or something like that. Right, so that's what itinerant means, and so I literally would go from school to school, to school to school and I had like a schedule and all of this stuff and it would be like one-on-one, then I wasn't teaching them their subjects.
Speaker 1:I would have certain goals that I would have to work with. Usually we focused on just like reading and language. Yeah, you know, whatever Classroom teaching is still classroom teaching, even if it's just the deaf kids. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So, but one of the things that I started seeing was being in all of these meetings, these IEP meetings, and going back to, like the medical experts, the schools are no different. The the mindsets of the administration, the mindsets of people that aren't working all the time with these deaf students, or whatever particularly in the deaf. It's like hitting a brick wall, you know, because they political side of education, yes yes, very much so, yeah, very much so, and so it was.
Speaker 5:It was often figured they'd want to do whatever they can to help the kids well, I'm not a quiet person you're limited with resources.
Speaker 2:I'm yes when I'm passionate about something.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm a very outspoken person and so there were so many iep meetings where I would be in those meetings and it would come time for me to talk, and I didn't toe the line.
Speaker 2:I, I would never well, you spoke up the line I would always advocate for the kids, for my students for what the?
Speaker 1:best interest for those deaf kids were Probably pissed some people off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, a lot yeah.
Speaker 1:I got called into offices many times. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Got called into the principal's office at several locations.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, because they just, they don't.
Speaker 2:Get in line and know your place.
Speaker 1:Yes, so my four-letter word within my field was auditory, oral, auditory, oral. The number of times I heard that in an IEP meeting. Because that's what they wanted these kids to have. They don't want them to have this, they wanted them to have this Really? Yes, and it's called auditory oral. That's the term for it, and they almost always had speech therapy.
Speaker 2:That's what they were trying to push Really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what most of the school systems push with these kids like every other kid, instead of yep, because most of them are, like I said, most of them going to the public school system and they have hearing aids or if, again, like we said, their hearing is severe enough, they might be implanted with the cochlears um and so they ain't cheap either.
Speaker 1:They would, no, no, they're more expensive, yeah um, so they would qualify the kids for speech therapy. They would, you know, like all of this stuff, but never this, never never makes no sense like never sign language and even in like my last little job that I had here. Um, I wasn't permitted to teach them.
Speaker 2:What's their reasoning for trying to take that away from them? Again the the thing to make them like everybody else, or the thing, that the thing that is still the common belief, they can get them to hear and speak, they can just put them in a regular school and count them as a student yep, they won't, they won't admit that, but that's yeah, that's what it is.
Speaker 1:That's pretty much what it is because remember what I said that some of these parents are still told that if you teach your kids sign language, they'll never speak. They'll never learn to speak.
Speaker 2:And that's not true. That's such a lie.
Speaker 1:It's not true at all.
Speaker 2:I wonder if in the school system, like I know, they get allocated so much money per student, whatever the district is right, and so I wonder if they get allocated more money for a regular student than they do a student who has a need like that. I think they get more money? No, they get more money for the for this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they get more government grants like um state and federal government grants for the special need no no, that's one of the big things. Is it's like no, they don't?
Speaker 2:pisses me off. You're getting more money because this kid needs special attention, but you're going to allocate that money somewhere else instead of they do.
Speaker 1:They don't give all that money, no more than the lottery systems do they probably give the principal and all the people raise it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the same thing with the lottery.
Speaker 1:Stay on track state lotteries state lotteries were were originally created to generate funds to pour into the public education system. Wow I don't know a single state that's Florida might be doing it now Cause they got a pretty dang good governor over there. But um, yeah state lottery systems were created for that purpose. Yes, Wow and not, I don't know of any of them, like I said, except for maybe Florida might be doing it now.
Speaker 1:but um, that scandal for decades that the money's not really where's the money going, because it's not going to the school systems, yeah, yeah, so that's a whole nother tangent, but go look up how much money than people in those places over there make yeah that's where it's all going exactly so.
Speaker 1:Out of all of this um and like just these years of being in these IEP meetings and my schooling, you know because part of my master's degree was an entire course, eight-week course, on special education law Wow, and within special education law it talked about what the parents' rights really are within those meetings. Come on, parents aren't told any of that. Really.
Speaker 1:No, these school systems have to do one thing. They're only required one thing at every single IEP meeting because they're annual. Okay, Unless something happens and you need to have a sudden change, you'll only have an IEP meeting at the like once a year for that kid to prepare them for what the next academic year is right. So the only thing that these schools are required to do at every single meeting is offer to the parents this big handbook of government jargon about what their rights are.
Speaker 2:And nobody's going to read, because it's the only thing Nobody takes the time to explain this.
Speaker 1:What does this actually mean? Okay, there's things that parents are allowed to do that I've only seen once one parent do in all of my year five and a half years of teaching only one time have I seen a parent know fully what their rights were and had an outside advocate come into that meeting with them wow parents are allowed that by the law yeah they don't know that wow they can have outside providers that their kid is seeing at those meetings. Wow, they don't know that Wow.
Speaker 1:So that, partnered with just how I get very fired up and passionate about things that you know, I I believe in, um, I had this vision of creating like. It's either going to be like a nonprofit-profit probably going to be a non-profit but creating this, this organization, you know, firm, whatever you want to call it. That was going to start out with just being like tutoring services for deaf kids, because even with some of these resources that they get, they're still so far behind educationally. So many of these kids fall so far behind because they just don't have what they need come on so I wanted to create this organization that would offer, like after-school tutoring for deaf kids.
Speaker 1:That's it. Like I'm not trying to exclude anybody else, but there are other tutoring programs out there yeah, yeah even the public schools have tutoring I don't. That's a whole nother story. Yeah, but there are. There are independent tutoring companies. You know that are already established out there, that if your kid needs it, you can take it you can't take a special needs kid to those they're not equipped for that.
Speaker 2:What's that one? I see mathematics or whatever. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Another big one is Sylvan. Sylvan Learning Centers. I don't think they have them here in. I don't think I've seen one in Arizona, but it's a, it's a chain, that same type of thing. Yeah, there's a couple of them around. So children with special needs really of any kind.
Speaker 2:I think some of the autism ones. Now, could you get funding for something like that through government grants and stuff? I probably could.
Speaker 1:I haven't had the opportunity to really research it, but it's expanded, the vision has expanded from there and I have my wonderful husband to thank for that. You go, jason, yes, you go, boy. Yeah. So at my church that I was first attending when I moved here I'm at a different church now out where I live in Apache Junction.
Speaker 1:So the church that I was first attending, I remember one Sunday I went up on our little patio outside the sanctuary we had the water table and the coffee table and I happened to be standing near that that one Sunday afternoon or whatever, and I overheard this woman who I had kind of met her here and there because I was like on the greeting team and the welcome new, welcome tent, you know type of thing.
Speaker 1:She was talking with somebody and she's a single mother and she has a kid who's on the spectrum and she was sharing with this other person how she'd been trying to get something for him at the school, like he goes to public school, and she'd been trying to get them to give him like some kind of resources or whatever that she was pretty sure he qualified for. But you know they were fighting her on it and so I couldn't help but overhearing. And the other lady left and I just turned around and I you know, we barely knew each other and I said I couldn't help but overhearing and told her who I was and what I do and I said what's going on? And you know, she told me and I then educated her and I was like look, when's the meeting? And she told me and I said you go in and you ask for bam bam, bam, bam bam. I said you run that meeting. Parents have more control in those meetings than they know they do.
Speaker 1:I said they cannot do anything with your son that you do not actually lawfully sign off on. They can't put him in anything that you don't agree with. And that's what they were trying to do. Wow, so two, three weeks go by and I didn't see her. Finally see her again and I said hey, how's it going? I said did you have the meeting?
Speaker 2:she goes, yes, and I got everything that I wanted for my son wow she said thank you so much and so I went home and I told my husband and I'm like talking like this about it and he goes baby, that's your niche.
Speaker 1:I'm like what he goes.
Speaker 5:That's your niche yep, you're gonna help wow so.
Speaker 1:I still want to do the tutoring but another part of my organization is I want to have advocacy services for all special needs, but the people that I'm going to have, you don't have to be licensed or certified for that, but they're going to be trained yeah, it's good and they're going to be vetted and if you're just there for a paycheck.
Speaker 1:You're in the wrong place amen but we're going to help with the advocacy for that and I'm going to help educate parents on what the the truth behind special education law is, what their rights really are, help them understand what their rights are and if they want an advocate to go into the meeting with them, then that's what my team will be for. We will provide an advocate to go in that meeting with you and so that's like my vision for parents.
Speaker 2:I'm believing that there's people out there who are willing to offer their time for that, but you won't even have to pay them, yeah I see like lawyers and people like that who have that knowledge and information. Who's going to be willing to share that?
Speaker 5:want to help these. Who want to help?
Speaker 2:you know, I mean because there's people out there who have a heart just like yours, yeah they just don't have an avenue or a place to share their input and their knowledge and help well, that's.
Speaker 1:That's basically where I'm at. Like I don't have the resources, and there's been so much like upheaval and like changing seasons and stuff in my life lately, but that dream is still there. Yeah. And even with the podcast idea, that dream has never died. It's still there, yeah, so like I still have that, and I, and I still fight I have to still fight the voice of the enemy because, like, I'm gonna be 50 in october, amen right, it's a great club to be in yes, but I fight, I think about it sometimes, these things that are on my heart to do and how I I've had.
Speaker 1:It's been at least a couple years and you know the enemy comes in and he's like, well, now you're too old, what are you gonna try to do that now, like you're gonna be 50 or you're gonna be 51, or you know, human lifespans are only so long. So I have that sometimes where I, I, he, he pops up and he tries to put that in my ear, to kill that dream in me and I'm like I'm not going to listen.
Speaker 5:The greatest influence that a person has on earth in their life is from 50 to 70. That's awesome. That is awesome. Those are the years where, literally, you as a person on earth, will make the biggest impact. That's awesome.
Speaker 2:Because you have all this life experience and knowledge and understanding now People will listen to you.
Speaker 1:You've learned it exactly, and I've told some other people that I really, really trust about this idea and they all share the same sentiment as as my husband. They're like that yeah, that's you like you should do it.
Speaker 5:You've literally been prepared for this ever since they started in those classes, and it was like man God's doing something with you, Liana, I can see it.
Speaker 1:I can feel it. Well, he's definitely moving me in the right directions for not just that, but to circle back to like recovery and stuff, because when I had to suddenly leave teaching, I was enrolled at GCU. I was working on trying to get my doctorate again.
Speaker 5:Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:In special education. So I was enrolled at GCU and then I had to leave teaching suddenly and I'm like I'm not going to keep working on a doctorate for a field that I'm not going to stay in. So I thought about it and I prayed about it. I'm like Lord, I know there's something else that I'm supposed to be doing. Like you know, what else do you want me to do? And GCU had master degrees in mental health and wellness, which, as we've already talked about, is another one of my areas, huge.
Speaker 1:That I'm very passionate about, you know, like not only my own struggles but watching some of what my daughter's gone through and again all focusing it back to what's wrong in the church with these areas and these ideas, Because there's really good mental health programs out there that are outside of the church, but I'm focused on the church needs help, the church needs.
Speaker 1:We got to start getting this right with these things, and so I was able to transition and I started the program. I started the mental health and wellness with an emphasis in Christian ministry. I don't want to be licensed. I don't want to be a licensed counselor, psychologist, therapist. I just wanted to get um aside from my own experience and my passion and my you know work with recovery. I wanted to have this degree to open up more doors and I like for me to be able to some people.
Speaker 5:they're going to take you more seriously when you're trying to minister to them if they know you have that right Like it's it's. It's just how it is.
Speaker 1:So I knew that this was a tool that God was going to use. Well then, something happened with the financial aid and I had to quit, I had to drop out. I was like darn it.
Speaker 1:So I had to drop out and it's been almost not quite a year, but close to a year that I had been out. So I got the problems all fixed with what it had something to do with my taxes and so I got it all fixed and I didn't give up on it. I was. I know I want to still do this. I still want to do this. So almost a month ago now I reapplied for financial aid, got reapproved for another little bit amount of money.
Speaker 1:I don't have a whole lot left that I can can do. But I got approved for another amount of money and, um, I reached back out to GCU and because of this issue that happened, there's now a balance at that school and I can't go back to GCU until that balance is paid. Well, I'm not in a position to pay that. So I was like, darn, what am I gonna?
Speaker 1:do yeah, again, enemy trying to trip me up. I was like no, I'm not willing to accept that. I know there's some other really good schools. And I wanted to be Christian. So I researched Regent, which is in Virginia they're both in Virginia, actually Regent University, which my daughter is currently attending for psychology. And then I looked at Liberty. Start calling both of those schools, start talking to both of their enrollment counselors. They both had really good programs. Regent had some things that they were like. I was like I don't know about that. So then I started talking to Liberty. No hiccups, no, nothing. I got accepted.
Speaker 1:And the program that I got accepted into is better than the one at GCU.
Speaker 5:Yeah, it is, that's our God.
Speaker 1:Because my focus, that I want to really have a focus on, is crisis response and trauma right Management, because that's what I know. That's the most critical thing. So the program I'm now enrolled in I start June 23rd. The program I'm now enrolled in is their Masters in Human human. What is it? Human services, counseling or something like that Crisis, trauma and management. Come on yeah, so it's specifically.
Speaker 5:It was in the title Exactly. Oh, okay, all right, this is the one.
Speaker 1:So they're very similar to DCU where they have like two or three different ones that are the human resources services or whatever, and then they have like these, the different ones that are the human human resources services or whatever, and then they have like these the little extra things on the end, and so this is the one that that I got accepted into is the one that was specifically for your area. It's going to focus toward the end of the program. In crisis response and like trauma management, I was like god, you are so so good, so good.
Speaker 1:You are so awesome. Like that's even better than what I was gonna have at gcu. So I start june 23rd about it.
Speaker 5:You're writing songs with your sister. You're gonna write a book the book's half written. She's gonna make a program for deaf kids, bro. That are gonna bless families.
Speaker 2:I have a name for that too.
Speaker 5:Oh the non-profit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, I've tried to think of names and nothing came. Nothing sounded good.
Speaker 2:Deaf Education Advocacy Firm.
Speaker 5:Deaf.
Speaker 2:Deaf.
Speaker 1:That is really actually awesome. You're gonna have to message that to me, deaf.
Speaker 5:Education Advocacy Firm. Wow, dad, that's good DE firm.
Speaker 2:Wow, dad, that's good D E yeah Deaf.
Speaker 1:Yeah, You're gonna have to message that to me. That's. That's actually pretty good. I like that.
Speaker 2:I want to help you with that somehow Come on God. Yeah, that's awesome. I think that's important. I've known, I've known two, and to hear what you're saying sucks, yeah, yeah you know what I mean? Yeah, that sucks yeah, because to me they're being treated as kind of just whatever. You know what I mean and that pisses me off.
Speaker 1:I mean there have been some strides made in in that area but they, they still have to fight so hard and like it. Just, it really burns me out that parents are still they're still kept in the dark, so much like. It's just not true the stuff that parents are usually told you know, and there and there's so many more resources nowadays for parents to learn, the family to learn together. I even offer to give people I'm like I have you're gonna have to pay a subscription, but you already pay a subscription for netflix or spotify or whatever.
Speaker 1:It's the same amount of money, but you're going to learn as a family and you're going to be able to communicate better. There's a really great program that I refer people to. That is fun. It makes it fun to learn sign language. It makes it easy. They have different levels.
Speaker 2:There's baby sign.
Speaker 1:There's baby sign.
Speaker 2:There's a program within it that is for like teens and adults, that does like skits and stuff and like there's resources out there.
Speaker 1:You just you need to know where to look, and they're just not being given that.
Speaker 2:We'll see what it's going to take to get that as a nonprofit deaf education that's awesome. Yeah, do me a favor. I don't want it. It's for you.
Speaker 1:I don't want it you're the one that's going to do it. I'll just get it. I'll find a way to get started, and I don't know how it's going to fold out, how it's going to unfold, but um, there's, there's a worship ministry that's supposed to be in there somewhere too so amen god will do it do me a favor.
Speaker 5:sister read, sister Read your poem.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, oh, I almost forgot.
Speaker 5:I didn't. I've been waiting for this, yes.
Speaker 1:So I guess that means we're wrapping up, which is good, that's fine.
Speaker 5:We're only at five and a half hours. Oh, no, it died on me oh no, oh, no, oh no. It's all right, oh no. It's all right.
Speaker 2:Really has it been five and a half hours, it sure has. It goes quick.
Speaker 5:It really does.
Speaker 2:Most people are like what?
Speaker 5:It's been long. The lights would be getting ready to go out if it was a weekday. No kidding.
Speaker 1:I know where I can find it really quickly because I sent it to both of you, but I think I sent it in the email. I know where I can find it really quickly because I sent it to both of you, but I think I sent it in email Because I had this on and I had it open and I didn't even think about it during the battery. It died Sorry.
Speaker 2:I've seen it glowing down there.
Speaker 1:Well, five and a half hours, I guess yeah, it died.
Speaker 5:You never know how much somebody that's hilarious.
Speaker 1:Okay, hold on, let me pull this up.
Speaker 5:It's been a really good testimony, really good. You shared about a lot of different things, sister. I think that whoever's going to watch this or listen to this, there's a lot of things, man, that people can find similarities. Oh yeah, I hope so I found a few of them myself in your story. It's just encouraging to hear what god can do when somebody lets him do it. Amen. I mean they go through that process because that's really what you've done.
Speaker 1:Yes, one last thing. I told you to put a pin in it before I read this, because this came summit.
Speaker 1:This was birthed out of what happened at summit. So two years ago I think it was, um, I had the opportunity to go to Summit for the first time, and which in and of itself, was amazing If you ever get a chance to go. You got to go and so go to Summit. Didn't know what to expect. Two things, amazing things happened. The first one was our very first night there. Um, because I went with a group from from the church I was attending and they all knew that I, you know that I signed and stuff, and so the very first night, there we're in worship and somebody elbows me and I'm like what they're like? Look, and there was, you know, somebody interpreting yeah, all roped off behind the red stanchions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like they were interpreting and interpreting and so I was like, oh, that's awesome. And so after service I went down to go talk to them. That turned into a God thing because, excuse me, the couple that was there I don't remember what state they're from, but that couple is deaf, but they're part of the Broken Chains like the motorcycle club, for you know, like with Celebrate Recovery, and they're like their state reps for that, okay, and so they were both deaf and they had an interpreter that they work with a lot, that was supposed to be there with them and at the last minute she couldn't make it.
Speaker 1:And so the church's interpreter was the one who was interpreting and they were supposed to work together. Wow, and so long. Church's interpreter was the one who was interpreting and they were supposed to work together.
Speaker 5:Wow.
Speaker 1:And so long story short.
Speaker 5:You got to be the interpreter.
Speaker 1:They invited me to interpret for the entire weekend at Summit. It was amazing. Wow, I was like what I happened to be interpreting on, like I think it was like the first big day or whatever when they said oh, we have a guest appearance, got a guest coming. We got a guest coming and we had just switched out because she had done music and so I was interpreting message. It was none other than Rick Warren himself nice. I got to interpret for Rick Warren.
Speaker 1:It was like yeah, so that was the first thing that happened that entire weekend. It was just amazing to be able to be used like I wasn't expecting that, um, she could only do like the services. And so not only did I help with the services, but then I was actually the interpreter for that couple. I went with them to a couple of their the workshops that they had to do, you know, and got to interpret for them. I'm facebook friends with them, like keeping track. They were really disappointed I couldn't be at summit again and I was was like no, sorry, I got a new job, blah, blah, blah, whatever. So, yeah, so that was really awesome.
Speaker 1:But the cabin we were talking about. So when I went to summit, it was that first year after that first summer, after losing my dad's right, and so it was on that Saturday and we were were, you know, people were making it to some of their workshops and whatever. And I remember when we walked up, um, right where the cabin is to the right, like if you're walking to the sanctuary, the cabin and like all those chairs and stuff were to the right and to the left they have a replica of um, the tomb of jesus, you know, with the stone rolled away like rowdy knows what I'm talking about big hill.
Speaker 5:Yes, it's a big giant hill.
Speaker 1:They had like crosses on top and stuff and so, um, I wasn't really wanting to go to a workshop at that time. I wanted to go over there because when I first saw it I thought of dave, my second stepdaddad, because you know we were in Orlando. It's not open anymore. I'm so sad it's not open anymore, but there used to be a small little theme park called the Holy Land Experience and we went there a couple of different times and it's not open, no more.
Speaker 1:I've heard it's not open anymore but one of the last times that we went there was Easter Sunday, no, good Friday. It was a good Friday that we went there and his mother, my sweet Grand Marie, she was in town and so like we all went to that, you know, and we have pictures that we put in. Know how people do like the. The picture video at funerals and stuff.
Speaker 1:So one of the pictures that we put in there um was they have, they had this show. They had a couple different shows there and one of them was called like the last adam and it was like this big musical show and they had a guy dressed like Jesus and everything and after the show they come out and they meet people right. So we had a picture of my stepdad standing with the guy who played Jesus and he was praying for my stepdad. Wow.
Speaker 1:And when he passed away that picture like the first time we saw it after he passed away when we were preparing the video we just broke down crying because we were like he got to see that for real. You know, when he went to heaven, he got to see that for real. And so my first thought when I saw that at summit, I was taken back to that picture.
Speaker 1:And so I really wanted to go over there, and so that's what I did. Everybody else was at workshops, and I went up to that little tomb and had an unexpected, what I called an unexpected grief moment. Not like a bad one, but the Holy Spirit just moved and I just started sobbing and I was, you know, I was remembering him, and I was talking to my stepdad, Dave, and I was like you would love this, you know, and just this, whatever. And so I got through my little moment. The prayer tent is directly across from where I'm at, and the lady had been watching me the whole time and I didn't know it. And so I start walking up the path, not intending to go to prayer I was going to go back in the sanctuary and she steps in front of me and blocks my way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she didn't let me get by and she's like, you know, do you need prayer?
Speaker 1:and I said, well, you know I'm kind of okay. She goes no, I think, why don't you just come over? And so I was like, fine, I went over and I briefly told her about losing my dad's and you know what that meant to me and what was going on. And then she asked me well, what brought you to recovery in the first place? And I gave her the very condensed version of it. But one thing led to another and she said do you mind if my team and I pray for you? And I said no, you know, as long as I feel safe about somebody, I let them pray for me. So she's like like, well, why don't we go sit over here?
Speaker 1:and we went on to the steps of that cabin yeah and what happened over the next probably at least two hours was her and her team. They really didn't know anything that had gone on with me like holy spirit was dropping stuff left and right, left and right, left and right. They didn't know I had been molested. They didn't know, you that had gone on with me Like Holy Spirit was dropping stuff left and right, left and right, left and right. They didn't know I had been molested, they didn't know you know any of that stuff, right, and they were just calling that stuff out. And then there were things that she started speaking Like. She started speaking against the Jezebel, jezebel spirit and I remember I started moaning at that point because that was one thing my ex-husband used to say to me all the time when I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do, he would say that I had a Jezebel spirit and he would speak that over me all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was like you're rebellious and like you have a Jezebel spirit, like he would speak that all the time over me. And so she started, she saw it. She saw it still trying to like and so she was calling it out and it that one fought hard, that one fought really, really hard to go, and I mean I was even like getting sick and like spitting up stuff and oh yeah and then the um there was there was one other thing that was in there.
Speaker 1:This one shocked me actually. Um, she didn't call it out, but she knew something was there and it was that spirit of perversion. Wow, it was that spirit of perversion that came on me when I was a little girl, and the one I thought I had completely been healed from. But I literally saw just simply a talon, was it? That was all that was left and it was embedded deep in my skull and, um, they just prayed even harder and it really fought to go. And, uh, she said something and it actually spoke, but it used me to speak and it was like, well, I like it here Really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow. And so she started praying even harder. And then I just started hearing myself inside Like I got angry and I could sense it. I got angry and at first I heard in my spirit, I heard me like calling it out and speaking in authority, and then I verbally started telling it no, you don't have any room, I'm bought. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I took authority, I started taking authority.
Speaker 1:And then I was shouting and it went and the talon came free and when it did, I just started sobbing. My whole body was racking. I couldn it did. I just started sobbing Like my whole body was racking, I couldn't breathe. I was just sobbing uncontrollably. And finally I quieted down. And when I quieted down she started speaking very softly and she's, like you know, thanking Jesus for what he just did. And she was like Jesus. She said you know, we just poured a lot out. And she was like I just pray, lord, that you just come right now and you replace what you want to put in there, because it's empty now and we don't want.
Speaker 1:And she used that scripture we don't want anything to come back in like whatever. And so she's like Jesus you just give her something and they all got quiet. And this vision is now what God had me add to my celebrate recovery testimony. Um, because I thought it was just going to be for me, but he spoke very clearly. He wanted me to put it in there, and so what I saw so good, what I saw and it was right there where I was at it was the cabin right and I'm sitting on the steps of the cabin and I look down on the ground and there's seven-year-old liana wow, sobbing, innocent seven-year-old liana, just sobbing because of what has been done to her.
Speaker 1:Wow, and the next thing I'm aware of, jesus is sitting to my left and he's looking down. And I'm paraphrasing it right now. I haven't written word for word in my testimony, but the gist of it is that Jesus was looking down and he reached down and he picked up seven-year-old Liana and he put her on his lap and just started caressing her and talking quietly to her and saying it's all okay, you're okay now, you're safe. Wow, and in that moment I felt such such peace and such love. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And the next thing I see I saw a redeemed seven-year-old Liana. He literally gave me my little girl back. My innocence.
Speaker 1:He gave that back to me on the steps of that old little cabin at, you know, Saddleback Church, and that's in my. It's in more detail but that's in my testimony now, and so shortly after that he gave me this poem that I now read this poem when I give my testimony. I can see through my tears here and it's not very long. But it's called One of the Many. I am one of the many. One of the many who experienced child abuse, abandonment, neglect and rejection. One of the many who was viciously bullied all through school. One of the many who experienced domestic abuse in every form, perpetrated by the very one who vowed to love me. One of the many who barely survived. I am one of the many, one of the many who barely survived. I am one of the many, One of the many who struggled with self-worth, self-image and self-esteem issues.
Speaker 1:One of the many who struggled with feeling unloved, unwanted and forgotten. One of many who struggled with suicidal thoughts. One of the many who still struggle from time to time with feeling inadequate, not enough, unworthy and invisible. One of the many that struggle with the debilitating effects of PTSD and unexpected and unwanted triggers. One of the many that struggle with sudden anxiety that disrupts everything.
Speaker 1:I am one of the many. One of the many that came to a place of desperation caused by my struggles. One of the many that recognized I needed help. One of the many that made the hard choice to do the next right thing. One of the many that took one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time, trusting that hardship was a pathway to peace. Moment at a time, trusting that hardship was a pathway to peace. One of many that realized my life was unmanageable and I needed help from my higher power, jesus christ. Now I am one of many who walk the road of recovery and freedom from all my hurts, habits and hang-ups, and want to help others do the same that's real good man wow he's good, yeah, he is yeah, he is all the time.
Speaker 2:You see why you write songs now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I haven't written a song in quite a long time, but I've been feeling the the stirring again.
Speaker 5:It's time to create sis, it's time to create sis. It's time to create some stuff that only you can do.
Speaker 2:I think God's trying to give you an outlet, an outlet to.
Speaker 1:I've started really getting into art a lot too, like finding art therapy. I never thought I was a good painter, but over this medical leave that I've been on, there's been two pieces in particular that he gave me and I was like wow, I did that.
Speaker 1:One of them is my little favorite one and I've got it on my Facebook. I'll try to find it and message it to you guys. But you know, because I am a worshiper like first and and foremost, that is my first gifting is worship and I understand the power of worship and prayer. So the last piece that I did and it's in like just my little sketchbook, you know, with sketch and paints, but it's a there's a silhouette version of me, like on my knees with my hands up, so all you see the whole thing is black, like you don't see my face. But then coming up out of me like uh, at the bottom of it you see like what looks like swish marks coming out out of me. Is this, um, because my I traced my mom's family back to scotland and so I've always been attracted like celtic and stuff. So there's like this celtic warrior princess that comes up out of me and she's in like her armor with her red hair flowing back behind her. Wow.
Speaker 1:But she's got like her shield and she's in stance fight Like she's her one knees bent, the other legs back because she's rising up out of me to fight. And so she has a shield where you can see the name of it with the cross on it, and she's got her sword, and one of them is named prayer and one of them is named worship, nice and um, this is this was like this was the vision he gave me, and I did it the best I could out on, on um, out on paper, so it was really awesome that's really good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, can I pray for you please.
Speaker 1:I always take prayer.
Speaker 2:Thanks, sis man, father, god, lord, again, we just thank you, god, we praise your holy name. We give you honor, glory, lord and jesus. We just thank you for being such a good, loving, caring, kind, compassionate father, lord, and we just honor you and give you praise, god. Or we just thank you right now for your daughter, lord, we just thank you for man, just the courage and the strength, god, it takes to just tell her story. God, it's not always comfortable, it's not always glamorous, but it's you all through it, in it and around it. God, we can hear you, we can sense you, we can in it and around it, god, we could hear you, we could sense you, we could feel you throughout her entire story, god, the way that you protected her, the way that you kept her, god, and we praise you for it, lord. Thank you, lord and Lord, we thank you for the woman that stands here, sits here before us today, god, and just how mighty she is in you, god. And so we thank you, lord, just for the continued strength and courage to be bold, not just for herself, god, but for the students that she's fighting for.
Speaker 2:God and Lord, we thank you that in that boldness, she's going to ruffle some feathers. She's going to piss some people off, god, but we thank you that she is fighting for something that is just honorable and needed, god, and so we thank you for what's coming, god. We thank you for this organization, this foundation, whatever it might be, god, and if it is the acronym of DEAF, god, make it happen and let it be so. God, Because there are people out there, god, I believe with all my heart God, who is going to see something like she wants to do, and they're going to volunteer and they're going to give their time, and they're going to be people who have knowledge and understanding. There's going to be people who have resources that are going to pour into it, god, because you see the heart behind it. God, it's not just a way to make a means, god. It's a battle. It's a fight that is needed, jesus.
Speaker 5:And.
Speaker 2:I thank you, lord, just for the resources and everything it's going to take to make it happen. God, because we are standing up for your children, god, who may not be able to hear or speak very well, and she's saying I want to stand and I want to speak for them, god, and you always honor those who speak for those who can't speak for themselves. Father, god, so, lord, I just thank you for this next journey that she's coming into, god. I thank you just for the songs, the book, the art, god, everything that you've given her to pour out into God, to have a way to express herself, god, in a way that just glorifies you, god and Lord. I thank you for the lyrics that she's going to have to put to her father's music. God, lord, I thank you that this crazy, fun, psychedelic, instrumental things, god is going to have lyrics that glorify you to it. God.
Speaker 2:These songs and these music and these lyrics are going to be able to reach people that normal worship music can't, God. So I thank you, Lord, for what it's going to do and how they're going to create it. Give them the words to put to these songs God and Lord, I thank you for just her new marriage with Jason. God, I thank you for that relationship, god, I thank you, lord, as they navigate together.
Speaker 2:God that they are quick to show grace, that they are quick to forgive, that they are quick to speak life to each other. God, make them pause if there's ever anything they're going to say that is going to demean, degrade or tear each other down. God, because we are called as a husband and a wife to edify each other and to encourage each other, so let their words be such. God and Lord, I just praise you again for what you've done in her life. Lord, we just give you honor and glory that you can take a life that some people will see is damaged or messed up or or broken, god, and you can raise it back to life. God, you can make it something beautiful and mighty for your name, god out of the ashes.
Speaker 2:And Lord, I thank you for each time that she stands up in courage and faith and shares her story. God, that you be glorified, that people be moved and touched. God, that hope and faith be stirred in your people. God, lord, I thank you for the next time she shares her testimony.
Speaker 2:God, that you're going to bring in a woman who feels broken and torn up, and lost and confused, and she's going to hear herself and your daughter's story, god, and that's going to create a conversation and maybe a friendship, god, that she can encourage another one of your daughters to rise up out of the same ashes. God, I know you'll do it, god. So again, we just praise you. We give you honor and glory in the mighty name of jesus.
Speaker 5:Thank you, god, amen amen, yeah, can you do us a favor and pray for, uh speak life. Pray for me and dad, our unity I was gonna ask you guys anyway, because I had that on my heart.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, definitely we're unified.
Speaker 5:What are you talking? Oh yeah, but that bro wants to come in and keep us.
Speaker 1:He's always trying to do something.
Speaker 5:He ain't going to win no.
Speaker 2:We're around each other a lot, like a lot.
Speaker 5:Like a lot.
Speaker 2:And it can be frustrating at times.
Speaker 1:Iron, sharpening iron Thank you God, there you go. That's the way to look at it.
Speaker 2:But when you know God's called you to something whether it's like me and him do CR together, we do this together it'll always happen because it's God's will.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, as long as we get the hell out of the way. Yeah, yeah, there you go, there you go yeah.
Speaker 1:Precious Father. We just thank you, lord God, for this opportunity. I thank you, lord, for, first and foremost, rowdy and Eddie. Lord God, I thank you that you brought them together so many years ago at a time where they both needed it. They both needed this relationship, lord, even though there was contention at times, there was butting heads at times, like Rowdy said, it was iron sharpening iron, and, lord, you don't make mistakes, and so I thank you, lord God, that you brought them together at the time, that you did, and that they've had these years to build this amazing relationship that is on display today, lord God, and it's not fake. You could truly see the realness in it, the authenticity, lord, just their openness.
Speaker 1:Lord God, I thank you, Lord, for this opportunity that you've given them to give this platform for your sons and your daughters to come in here and to share their stories, lord, in a way that is sometimes just boxed in there's really no better way to say it, because we have to have structure in certain uh, certain capacities with things you know our stories can get boxed in to fit within that structure that is needed.
Speaker 1:so I thank you that there are outlets like this and that you have opened up the opportunity and the resources for um ron, ronnie and any to have the speak live. Speak life, az uh podcast. I thank you for this amazing church that uh partners with them and that is like yeah, sure, we will be like the house for it.
Speaker 1:And um, I just thank you for that Lord and that you're going to continue to bless not only, not only these two, uh, these two men that, but you're also going to continue to bless this church, or God for what they are doing for you and for your kingdom and how they are just having this open heart to just love on people. Love on people and let you be the one that changes Lord. God you don't call us to change.
Speaker 2:You call us to love people.
Speaker 1:You do call us to sometimes call out what we see in them, but it's never from a place of us being the one to try to change them, because we don't have that power. Only you have that power to change the hearts of men and women, and so we just thank you, lord. God, I thank you for their obedience, lord, as they said, their obedience to finally do the way you asked them to do it, so that things like today would be even even possible.
Speaker 1:Um, lord, I just thank you and I I just thank you, lord. God, that, um, that you're just gonna pour back into the three of us, lord, as we talked about in the beginning, that some of the conversations that are had in this room can be very heavy, uh, can be very, um, just difficult to hear and to process and to deal with in our human limitations, lord. So I thank you that right now, even as we speak, that Holy Spirit, you are just filling the three of us.
Speaker 2:Lord, you are just giving us peace and you're helping us.
Speaker 1:If there's something that I shared today in my story that resonated with these two, or anybody that's going to watch this later, lord, god, I just pray that you would just help them to process it the way they need to process it that you would speak the truth to them for where they are at in their life, not for what they think they heard me say, but the truth as you want it to pinpoint and affect their life. So again, lord, it to pinpoint thank you lord and affect their life so again, lord, we just thank you for all of this.
Speaker 1:Jesus, we give all of this to you. This is your show, not ours yeah jesus name amen man.
Speaker 5:Thanks so much again, sis thank you for having me um, I sure hope you guys enjoyed this, listening to it, watching it. Um, wherever you're at, man, whatever platform you're on, if, whatever platform you're on, if you could uh subscribe to the channel, like us, follow us, you'll get all the future notifications. Ding the bells. Maybe you yourself have a crazy testimony. Man, you want to come on? Um, just reach out to me through facebook or instagram. Speak life az. All one word. Uh, send me a message. I'll get back to you. We could use all the support we can get. If you're listening on Spotify or Apple the podcast platforms, you can actually support the show monthly through Buzzsprout. Comment. Go on there and type a word man, put in Jesus, even one word. It just helps. So much with the algorithms and the stuff in the back end. Until next time, we're going to continue to speak life AZ. God bless you.
Speaker 1:Jesus Amen Outro Music.