Stepmum Space

Episode 25: Being More of a Parent Than Bio Mum or Dad

• Katie Harrison • Season 4 • Episode 1

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For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com

If you’re doing most of the parenting but still feel like you have the least say, this episode will feel painfully familiar — and deeply validating. Sam* shares the emotional, practical, and relational strain of stepping into a role where she is responsible for everything… except the decisions.

In this episode, Katie talks to Sam, stepmum to an 8-year-old girl. Despite the presence of both biological parents, Sam finds herself doing the majority of the childcare, emotional labour and “mumming” work in the household.

Sam opens up about:

  • The shock of realising her partner’s parenting story wasn’t entirely accurate
  • The conflict that came from her and her partner having very different ideas about childcare
  • The pressure to “treat her stepdaughter as her own” while having almost no authority
  • Feeling responsible but powerless — a painful combination so many stepmums recognise
  • Why, after a 3-year engagement, she still isn’t rushing to get married

Sam speaks with honesty about the love she has for her stepdaughter, the resentment that crept in over time, and the complex role of being the one who does the most while being recognised the least.

A huge thank you to Sam for sharing her story so openly.

Not her real name.

In This Episode We Explore:

  • What it’s like to do most of the parenting without the title or authority
  • The emotional load stepmums carry when bio parents step back
  • The frustration of “treat her like your own” — but “don’t make decisions”
  • How misaligned parenting expectations strain stepfamily relationships
  • The resentment that builds when responsibility isn’t shared
  • Why Sam is pausing before marriage — and what she’s learned
  • How stepmums can protect their energy, voice and wellbeing

If You Need Support
Book a free introductory coaching call: https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s work: https://www.stepmumspace.com

Keywords:
stepmum doing everything, majority-parenting stepmum, stepmum resentment, no authority as a stepmum, stepmum emotional labour, blended family conflict, stepmum boundaries, overwhelmed stepmum, struggling stepmum, stepmum podcast

Helpful Links:
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You deserve support, fairness and a voice — especially when you’re the one holding so much together.

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Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. So welcome back everybody! We are back for series 4. I am so excited to be bringing you another bunch of thought-provoking conversations with wonderful people. This series, as well as hearing from Stepmums, we will be hearing from a couple of men too, including a self-proclaimed former Disney dad. I want to say a massive thank you for all of your support, messages and encouragement with Stepmums Face. And before you carry on listening, I would be very, very grateful if you could hit pause, go to the app where you're listening and drop us a rating or review. It really, really helps get the show to other listeners. And if you are one of those new listeners, then welcome. I hope you're going to enjoy being with us. Then after you've done your review, hit unpause and come back and listen to this episode. Okay. So today I'm talking to Sam. Sam is a stepmum to a young girl and, like so many of us, has had a bit of a bumpy ride. But her story's quite different in many ways. Over to Sam. Hi Sam, thanks for joining me today. Thanks for having me. How are you doing?

Sam:

Um yeah, I want to say good, but I think this week has has been a tough one. Um I've been ill, but it's there's been lots of other things that have have gone on as they do in stepmum life. So yeah, it it definitely always sort of uh blows up, I think, because my patience is is always thin anyway, uh, because of the amount I have to take on. So when I'm ill, that's the last straw.

Katie South:

It's understandable. So, do you want to tell us a little bit about your family and home situation?

Sam:

Yeah, sure. So um I've been with my partner nearly five years. We met on a dating app, went on a couple of dates, really liked each other, and then we just uh, you know, carried on seeing each other. Um, I knew he had a daughter when we first met, but I think I'd reached a point in my life where I never used to want to date someone with a child. I thought, oh no, I I don't need that baggage. But then I got to an age where I thought maybe I need to be a bit more open-minded, you never really know. So I didn't meet his daughter until I think we'd been dating about must have been about eight months, I think. Okay. Before I'd even met her. So I only knew his side of the story at this point about his ex and about his daughter.

Katie South:

And then how old was she at this point?

Sam:

So when we first met, she just turned four. So when I met her, she was four.

Katie South:

So that sounds a bit ominous. So what happened when you met her?

Sam:

It was, I think, as most people have, it was a kind of a casual situation. One of my friends was doing a barbecue in the summer because we met in the January. Uh so I think I met her in like August time. Um, so my friend was just doing a barbecue. She's got kids. Well, all my friends had kids at this point, so they just came along to that, and it was, you know, this is my friend, and it was just kind of a chance to get to to know each other really, just see if there was any instant dislikes or any instant likes.

Katie South:

So So you've been together eight months, and I guess by that point you were fairly serious when you decided to meet his daughter?

Sam:

Yeah, pretty much. I think I'd sort of fallen for him within the first couple of months, and yeah, could just sort of imagine a future really. So And how did it go the first time you met his daughter? I was a nervous wreck because you know I got on well with my friends' kids, but I've never really been a a a kid sort of person unless I I know the child, so I was really nervous, but it was fine, yeah. She she quite liked me. We were just sort of playing Barbies together and talking, and I think because there were lots of people there, it it wasn't too much pressure.

Katie South:

Yeah, the first meeting's usually okay, isn't it? And then uh as things come up, that sort of beautiful initial spark can sometimes fade or grow. It depends.

Sam:

So, what happened from there then? So we carried on like that. We we met sort of outside of, I suppose, our houses. I probably should have mentioned that he was actually still living with his ex at the time, which initially I was like alarm bells because they said they'd been broken up for two years. Oh wow. So I was thinking that's a bit odd. Am I okay with that? But of course, because I'd never been with anyone with a child before, I didn't know if there was a time scale or you know what. So I was trying to be kind and patient. And I think it basically from talking to a lot of friends and family, initially it was financial, but then I think there was a big um emotion behind it. I think finally moving out for him would have meant that he was no longer living with his daughter.

Katie South:

Do you mind me asking what caused their relationship to end?

Sam:

Depends who you ask. I think a lot of it is she is just a little bit controlling and just they just didn't get on. Apparently, for I've heard from friends and family that they never really got on, even before they had a child, and they never really should have been together. I think it was just wrong person at the wrong time, but for them it seemed right, and yeah, they just weren't a good match, they clashed, and I think after having a child, I think that really put a strain on the relationship.

Katie South:

So it was it pretty amicable if they were able to stay at least living in the same house for two years.

Sam:

No, no, absolutely ridiculous. This is what I couldn't understand. It it they didn't get on, they slept in separate bedrooms. You know, when it was his night, she'd go out with her friends, when it was her night, she'd go out uh he'd go out with his friends. I think he works really long hours, and I think that's probably when he started, because then he'd be like, Well, I'm at work.

Katie South:

From what you've said, that would have started when your stepdaughter was about two, so it must have been quite a strange couple of years for her growing up with her parents living in that odd environment.

Sam:

Yeah, I mean that's what I always thought, but then I also since then, even as recent as about a month or two ago, I was thinking about it, and I thought, I suppose she being that age, she wouldn't know. All she knows is that mummy and daddy are under the same roof, and that's normal. She doesn't know that they don't necessarily have separate bedrooms, or she doesn't know that they're not supposed to be affectionate, or I don't know. It must have just been her life, and as far as she was concerned, mummy and daddy were under the same roof, so it was normal, I guess, to her.

Katie South:

And what is normal?

Sam:

Well, yeah, yeah, that big word.

Katie South:

So you find out that this guy that you've fallen for is still living with his ex and their child. How long did he stay living there?

Sam:

I think it was probably until about the November. So we'd been together since January, and it was the November, but I had already had a lot of discomfort with it, and and we'd have a few arguments about it. And in the end, I think I just I kind of set an ultimatum because I thought you can't stay living with this person forever. I mean, what happens if we want to get married or have kids? Are we all gonna live in the same house? I was like, it's just ridiculous. I said, you need to move on, and I said, if if not for you, for your daughter.

Katie South:

And so during that time when you were dating, I'm guessing you didn't stay over there.

Sam:

No, he invited me round one night when she was out because it wasn't her evening, and I just flat out refused. I said, no, I said that is not right, and I said, and if she finds out, quite rightly, she will be really upset. And I said, that's just not right at all.

Katie South:

Yeah, and also how weird would that have been for you? Incredibly weird, like really cringy, creepy, weird. I talked to stepmums who move into the kind of old family house and find it strange, but that's when the ex has already moved out.

Sam:

Yeah, see, I knew I couldn't even do that because when they did sort of part ways, there was talk of well uh I might stay here, and I just thought, well, I'm not living there with you. I I I didn't even want anything that was owned by her or like them together, it all had to be new because it just felt weird, and I thought it might be petty of me, I don't know, but yeah, no, it I it wasn't a thing, so I went round there to meet his ex. Um, but that was you know during the day, and it was just to meet her to be like, hi, you know, I'm gonna be in your your daughter's life. So and how was that? Weird, she put her arm round me. Um, she's quite a lot taller than me. So she put her arm round me and was like, Oh, she's so dinky, isn't she? And I was just like, Why uh why are you touching me? Because I'm not I'm not very good with you know, I I like my personal space anyway, with friends and family. So yeah, a complete stranger in that scenario, I was just like, that's really uncomfortable. Obviously, I just smiled and laughed along.

Katie South:

And also calling you like dinky, I mean, it makes you sound about five.

Sam:

Yeah, yeah. I mean, uh, she is quite a lot taller than me. She's basically the same height as my partner, so a bit intimidating and a bit strange. And I did think she was very in in your face.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Sam:

I'm I'm quite sort of, you know, like to be in the background and observe and not be the centre of attention. And I very quickly got the vibe that she's the complete opposite.

Katie South:

There'll be people listening drawing a really interesting mental picture of what this first scenario looked like. Yeah, yeah.

Sam:

And obviously, I was just like, i is this normal? Uh do I go along with this? Do I set boundaries? And oh god, my head was filled.

Katie South:

Yeah, I think like any situation, you you just kind of have to do what's comfortable, don't you?

Sam:

Yeah, and I thought I couldn't sort of like slap her her arm away and be like, don't touch me. But at the same time, I was like, that's just too far. That's you know, boundaries.

Katie South:

So he's moved out of his place, and you guys have been together kind of a around the year mark. What happens then?

Sam:

Living situation was a bit odd. I was still living with my parents, um, had never really sort of flown the nest just because I couldn't afford it. So he was kind of living with his mum and his auntie. He was kind of like between houses, really. I think the routine back then was one day on the weekend and one evening on the weekend and one evening during the week. Um, I think it was a Wednesday. So I tended not to see him necessarily on those days, but on the weekend we might plan to do something, and we just kept meeting up and going on trips out and just trying to spend time together, I guess, as a as a three.

Katie South:

And how was it with his daughter in those early days?

Sam:

Um I was always just walking on eggshells because I thought I never wanted to upset her, and I very quickly realized that she was taking advantage of the situation, and she was one of those types of children that knew exactly how to work people. But I just went along with it and just thought I'll just keep her happy because you know that's that's what I've got to do. And how did her dad handle that? I think he's always kind of had this fantasy that his ex would just disappear and now he's found me, I would be mum, and there'd be no mention of her, and it'd be a perfect happy family. So he always just said, like, we got on really well, which we did, but I think he never really sees the the the tone in which she said things or the looks that she'd give, or or know that that's not just a normal four or five-year-old behaviour, that's actually a bit adult and that's a bit manipulative, that's quite scary, but he never saw any of that. I think he always sees what he wants to see.

Katie South:

And did you raise that with him?

Sam:

I did, yeah. I I can't remember when I first started doing it. I think it was probably it was probably when we first started living together. I think we moved in together the following April or May. So we'd been together uh a year and four months, and I think it was things started to sort of come out of the woodwork. And I did start to try and ask questions, but I tried to do it in a way that wasn't criticizing. What sort of stuff? Well, for starters, I noticed that she never had a bedtime. She'd be up sort of when I'd go round his his mum's house, I'd help out with with the bedtime routine just to kind of get used to her and read her some stories. And I used to be thinking, it's you know, it's nine o'clock. Shouldn't she be asleep by now? And then it would be half nine, and then it would be ten. And I'd be thinking, Oh, it's obviously just because of the situation, it's not really a a stable home life yet, you know.

Katie South:

Yeah.

Sam:

Um, but when we moved in together, yeah, she would she would act up, she'd make all the sort of excuses under the sun to talk to her dad and ask questions, and I'd be like, she should be in bed right now. And he he always got a bit defensive. I always felt like a bit of a defense from him as soon as I started to ask questions. So I I realized very quickly I needed to word things a certain way. It was almost like he wasn't aware that a four or five-year-old would need a bedtime, and then he'd blame his ex. He'd say, Oh, well, she's never really been very good with bedtimes. And I'm like, But she's not here.

Katie South:

Yeah, that's interesting, isn't it? You kind of see that actually the kid has two parents and you can't blame the ex for everything.

Sam:

Especially now, while I don't get on with her, um, and we're not on talking terms right now. I have always defended what's right. So if that happens to be her, or it happens to be my partner, I I tend to go with what's right. And in my mind at that time, I was like, she should be in bed, she should have a routine. Um, and she used to climb in our bed a lot and come in in the night, and and he would just take her in the bed, and that was very uncomfortable for me because this is this is not a child that I'm related to, and I just found it very uncomfortable.

Katie South:

And were you able to raise that with him and kind of say, like, I'm not comfortable with her coming into our bed?

Sam:

Um, I did, but again, I was sort of met with almost like I should just take her on as she's my own. That class. And that I should just instantly love her, and and you know, the age-old line that everyone gets. You know, I knew I was getting involved with someone with a child when I met him, and I was just like, I don't remember anyone saying that we had to share a bed.

Katie South:

Unfortunately, you can't see my massive eye roll to anybody who's listening to this, but I ju it's just every time I hear it, it doesn't get any less painful or any less annoying.

Sam:

No, and I started to think something was wrong with me because every time someone said that, I thought I must be a really horrible person, even though it's stung. Like it felt like someone had stabbed me in the gut every time someone said, Well, you knew that he had a child. And I thought, no one told me about you know the crazy ex and the child being clingy and not having a bedtime. So I very quickly learned that I would I started to say more and more things because I just got more and more annoyed. But he always took it as a criticism against him, or he took the opportunity to blame his ex and not take responsibility for it.

Katie South:

How did it affect your relationship? Because I guess at that point you've been together over a year, you're thinking about building a life together. Where did that put your head?

Sam:

I always felt like it something wasn't sitting quite right with me. Um, the more and more time went on, the more I would get left with her on my own. So my partner, he he's um been in the TA and he would go away for weekends away and he'd work really long hours. I would end up being like the default parent. Because if she wasn't with mummy or wasn't with daddy, she would be with me. And I ended up being like this third parent, and I just admittedly I was going along with it because every time I tried to to question it or say I'm not comfortable with this, I got met with like they never said it, but it was like insinuating that I didn't like her, didn't want her around, and I wasn't interested in being a stepmum. And so I was always scared to say something because I just thought they're gonna treat me like an absolute monster, and you know, oh, she's my priority, she comes first, if you can't handle that. And I used to think, Whoa, hang on, you know, how has it escalated to that?

Katie South:

And also, if she's your priority, you look after her.

Sam:

Yeah, I had this this massive, you're being a a real big hypocrite thought. Every time they told me this, you know, I thought, well, why aren't you looking after her then? Surely she should be with her mother or her father, not with me. And it just kept increasing over time, and and I ended up with her by myself all the time. And I used to think, why is her mum okay with that? I I didn't have kids at this point, and I thought, I don't think I'd be okay with that. I can't say for sure, but something doesn't feel right.

Katie South:

And in that time when you were spending a lot of time just with your stepdaughter as a duo, how was that for your relationship?

Sam:

It was good in a sense, I think, because she she very quickly got used to my routine, and I'm much more of a routine and structured kind of person. Her parents have always done shift work. A lot of his side of the family all do shift work, always very busy. They don't sort of do the same thing week in, week out. I'm very boring in that sense. I did the same hours at work, did the same days. I always made sure I was available when I was supposed to have her. I don't think you should call yourself boring for that, by the way. Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah, I she probably wouldn't say it's boring. I think she probably likes the fact that I'm I'm very structured. But I think she she started to realise I was always there. Um, but she always used to come out with certain things. She would say things, you know, while we're playing, she'd open up and and talk. And I used to just think that's that's not right, you know. Like for a five-year-old and and a six-year-old at the time, I just used to think she comes out with some very adult scenarios and talking, and it just made me a bit sad. And she always just sounded a bit lost, like she didn't know where she was meant to be.

Katie South:

What sort of stuff would she talk about?

Sam:

You know, she'd say, Oh, like I I never see daddy, daddy's always at work, mummy's always at work as well. Yeah, I don't like where am I meant to be today? Uh, who am I with today? And she and she would make observations with me, like, you like looking after me, don't you? You're always there, aren't you? You don't really go out and you don't really drink, and and I'd just be like, Well, not really, no. I I used to do that when I was younger, but now this is my life. And she just she would make observations that I would think that's very strange for a small child to realise that, but she's obviously noticing that the people that were meant to be there in her life weren't.

Katie South:

And that's sad, she's kind of piecing together, okay. Well, what what are these adults in my life about? What are they doing? How are they different? And it sounds like you are really different to her mum, which isn't unusual. And to be honest, as you're talking, it sounds like she got a lot out of her relationship with you.

Sam:

Yeah, I think so. I think it was just the structure because I mean, even though she, you know, loves my partner's mum and other family members, they all just came and went at different times. No one was like, you know, a regular Wednesday afternoon they'd see them, or someone picked her up from school on the same day. It was always different people in and out of her life. Her mum and dad were always sort of ditching her with with anyone they could find to look after her. And was that because of their work commitments? They always say work, but I just think at a certain point they have to accept that maybe they just don't really want to be parents a lot of the time, and that they they're they're selfish, they they want to go off and do their own thing because sometimes I it wouldn't even be work, but that was always the line. Oh, I have to work, and I thought, well, I work, and I was working full-time at this point, and I was like, I work too, but I still managed to rearrange my schedule around your daughter.

Katie South:

So you talked a little bit before about how you tried to kind of instill some boundaries or bedtimes, various things like that, and your partner really pushed back on it. Now he's sort of handed over full control of looking after his daughter to you. Did that give you a bit more agency to sort of spend time with her and parent her as you wanted?

Sam:

Yeah, I ended up just thinking, well, they're not here, her mum's not here, her dad's not here. This is gonna be the way it is when you're with me, because that's the way it should be. And I'm not doing anything that any normal, well, I use the word normal, but any I suppose typical parent would do, you know, bedtimes, the right things for dinner.

Katie South:

And how did she respond to that?

Sam:

I think there was some pushback sometimes. If she wasn't in the mood for it, if she thought, oh god, here we go again. Like Vegas. Here we go. She's enforcing the rules. Oh, I want to stay up a bit later. Um, but I think because I was doing it day in, day out when we had her, and and I never changed, I think eventually she just knew that that was the way. Even now, she'll some some sometimes push back on it. But I I think because I think it just takes a while, doesn't it? It takes a while for a habit to sort of kick in. And I think because I stuck with it and I never changed, I think she just knows that yeah, that's that's just the way things should be.

Katie South:

And it sounds like you know, you and her are getting on well, you're getting to parent her the way that you want. Both of her parents have kind of vanished from the picture quite a bit. At any point, did you think, hang on a minute, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.

Sam:

Yeah, massively. I mean, I a lot of the time used to get so wound up with both of them, and my partner hates it when I tar him with the same brush as her, but I'm like, but your behaviour's the same. And I used to regularly just think I've I've had enough. I could just walk away and you guys would be really stuck. But then I think of that poor little girl, and I just think, oh god, that's no, I can't do it.

Katie South:

At that time in your relationship, is there a part of you that stayed for her?

Sam:

I think so, yeah. I did stay for him as well, for his good parts. I think the trouble with our relationship is in the beginning he could tell it, he could tell his version, and I would just listen. But as I started to learn more truths about the situation, I realized that his memory was not strictly exactly how it happened, and the way he wants things is is a bit of a fantasy, and I think he didn't like that I could correct him on certain things, and in his eyes, he was always the better parent because the mum wasn't that good, and she's she's not, she's not what I would call a good present mum, but he was the lesser of two evils, I guess, and everyone always praised him, and then I come along, and I start to be like, I think you should be doing this, and I think you should be doing that.

Katie South:

Well, that's not right, and so he just thinks I'm I'm criticizing, and I suppose it can come across that way, but really I'm just trying to help raise her right, but it's at the detriment to his ego, yeah, and you hear that a lot, and quite often the stepmum gets so fed up they just sort of take a step back. But I think it's lovely for her that you created that and that she's noticing those things about you. So, how old is your stepdaughter now? Uh so she's eight. And how have the last kind of couple of years been?

Sam:

Turbulent. Uh, I mean, yeah, we have a good relationship on the whole, but she's she's come out with some things before that have made me really upset and made me want to even walk away from her. And I, you know, I've been in and out of counselling, trying to understand all the ins and outs, because in one mind I understand that she's quite messed up because of the situation she's been brought up in, but then on the other hand, I still have feelings that I'm still human. I mean, for instance, I remember her one day seemingly out of the blue. Um, I think it was after we got engaged, and she said that she didn't want him to marry me. And I was like, Okay, let's let's explore this a bit more. And I said, Well, why why is that? And she sort of shrugged and was like, I don't know. And I was like, Oh, here we go. And um, she said, because she wants him to marry mummy. Now we'd been together, I think, a couple of years by this point, so everyone was used to the the setup, how it was all going, how it was gonna be, and it just it just really upset me. And I I couldn't understand why she would just come out with that. Um and through therapy, I think I've discovered that it could be testing me, it could be trying to push me away, see if I do go away like everyone else in her life. Um, and it's really hard to remember that because in that moment you just want to go, like, you fucking what? Like, how dare you? And but then you're like, it's a child, they're in a messed up situation, but you just think, no, I wouldn't take this crap from anyone else. Like, why am I taking it from you after everything I've done?

Katie South:

Yeah, and I think that's the kind of conflict internally that so many of us face around I really understand why this child is acting out, and I've got all the empathy in the world, but I'm also a person, and I also have feelings, and I'm really hurt about this.

Sam:

Yeah, yeah. And I mean, she's she's definitely not the easiest child. She's always been very clingy, very attention-seeking, and I hate those traits, um, especially in children. Like, I find it just really cringy, and so it's been hard work because we don't have the same personalities. She she likes a lot of what I do and what I provide for her, but she is very much, she has her mum's personality, you know, friends with everyone and everyone's babes and love you. And over the years I've tried to explain that my way of showing my love is not to smother her in I love you every day and hugs. It's it's the small things I do, it's the helping you like make sure you brush your teeth and go to bed and doing your homework with you and being there, basically.

Katie South:

So you know it's funny, I often say to my kids, and like they so the older ones get it, six-year-old gets it, four-year-old's still a bit kind of I'm not too sure about this, but I'll always say to them, guys, I know it doesn't make sense, but the things that you really don't like me doing, I don't because I love you. And by the way, I don't really enjoy telling you to brush your teeth or you know, making you eat all your vegetables or making you do homework when you just want to watch TV. So it's interesting actually now. They understand, and my older one will play it back to me. And obviously, he's at the age where I'm having to kind of protect him from other things as he goes into teenagers, but yeah, they'll all understand our mummy has to make us do things that we don't like, but that's because she loves us.

Sam:

Yeah, yeah. That's that's exactly it. And you know, I have to contend with the fact that daddy will always just buy food instead of make something. In the house, and mummy will just buy all these new things, all these new toys, and all these new presents. And I'm like, yeah, she might do that, but where is she?

Katie South:

Yeah, quite, quite.

Sam:

Yeah, and it and it is so frustrating. And I think I think the biggest conflict I've had with my partner is I think he wanted me to come in and and him be able to tell me what to do with his daughter. I don't think he thought I would come in and tell him what to do. Um, and for a long time I got you you don't have kids, you don't understand, you know, you're not a parent. And I'd be like, it's not really a parental thing. You have to be a parent to know that they need this and they need that.

Katie South:

And kind of offensive to say, well, you're not a parent, you don't know. Oh, by the way, can you look after my kid for days?

Sam:

Oh, yeah, yeah. The the hypocrisy of it, you it is something that still lives inside me today, it's always there, it's never gone away. So all it takes is is one thing for me to just explode because it's just always in the back of my mind everything I've been through for the the last few years. And yeah, I so I think me and my partner we just clashed because I suddenly realized that he's not a bad dad.

Katie South:

I think he's just like a lot of dads out there, just a bit, you know, thinks the mum should do it all, or and also some people, men or women, are just better parents, and some people are just not great parents, and it's difficult, but it is it is life. So after you and your stepdaughter had this conversation about you getting married, obviously you you got married. How was that?

Sam:

No, no, we haven't. No, ah, okay. We've been engaged for coming up three years, yeah. We we haven't made any plans yet. Do you mind me asking if wedding is on the horizon still? I I go back and forth. I mean, the main reason is is money. That was the main reason we haven't done it yet, and we also had lockdown and the pandemic, and we had a child as well. So all of that was took priority. But these days I I just sometimes don't think I want to just because it it gets really, really, really tough.

Katie South:

Yeah, it sounds difficult and it sounds like uh the whole situation with your partner is kind of as tricky as the situation with your stepdaughter.

Sam:

Yeah, I don't know, maybe I was naive and I thought that after four or nearly five years, I thought everyone would kind of get over it and and move on. And I know from listening to podcasts now on your channel that actually sometimes things can get worse when an engagement and when a new baby comes along, and you just think time is gonna sort of heal it all and everyone's gonna be fine. But yeah, certain things happen that just make everyone a bit more jealous and bitter, and it changes the dynamics.

Katie South:

So and how old's your baby? Uh, she's two. Oh you're spot on that. I mean, it always changes the dynamics. How did your stepdaughter take to the news of the pregnancy and how's she been with your daughter?

Sam:

Well, before before I got pregnant, she was actually asking when we were gonna have a baby, and she wanted a baby sister, and it was all fairy tale, and we just thought, yep, great. And then when we found out we were pregnant, um, and then found out it was a girl, she was really excited, and she just loved the idea, couldn't wait to meet her, and then reality hits, and all attention gets taken away from her, and she's the type of girl who can have all of the attention she asks for, like every last second, and it still won't be enough. It's still not enough to, I suppose, heal her or fix her or make her feel secure. She is still massively insecure and still just needs more.

Katie South:

From everybody, or particularly her dad.

Sam:

Everybody, really. I don't know if it's because she needs more from her mum and dad, or I I'm not really sure. I don't know where she can get it from that will make her feel more secure. I assume it's her parents because of how absent they can be, but she massively, massively struggled when the baby came along and my attention was taken away. She almost um used to act like I was hers. She didn't even like her own cousins sort of sitting on my lap and coming and playing with me. She'd sort of remove them and sit on my lap and and hug me and be like, she's mine. And I even remember her and her dad one day joking and saying, Sam's mine. Sam's mine. No, she's mine. And I just thought, um, actually, I'm nobody's. I am just my own person. I'm not property, but that's how, yeah, that's how I sort of got treated. So I think when I got taken away after having my daughter, it was um it was hard for her. She really, really struggled. More so than her dad's attention being taken away.

Katie South:

And how's it been since over the last two years?

Sam:

It's got better. I think when my daughter became older and more interactive, I think it was a lot better. But there are still times, you know, when she tries to I don't know, get her sibling in trouble, or but i it tends to be a bit more general sibling rivalry these days than just outright jealousy, because when she was a baby, she used to say, Can you just put her down? Just put her in her cot and come play with me. And I think she even said she didn't like her once because she took my attention away. She actually outright said it in front of her mum as well. And I was just like, I was obviously feeling very protective of my daughter and thinking, I don't need this.

Katie South:

Such difficult dynamics, and I I see it play out in my own family.

Sam:

Yeah, I mean it's easier for me to try and balance it out because the two-year-old will do typical two-year-old behavior that even if she wasn't around her sibling, I would shout at or you know, try and stop. So, but she tries to use it to her advantage and be like, oh well, she's being naughty now, so I'm gonna I'm gonna say it was her. And it's it's so difficult to to know who's telling the truth because that's the other thing, is is my stepdaughter she lies endlessly and about such silly things that I don't even get why she's lying. Um, so it's always been very, very difficult to know the real uh the real deep down truth. It it comes out every now and then, but I think most of the time she's playing an act, she's playing an act for people because I think she just wants that that love and attention. So she does what she needs to do to daddy to get his attention, does what she needs to do to mummy, and then tailors it for me, tailors it for grandparents, and yeah, and I just think, but who are you? Like, you know, who is the real you? And I think that's what is the most frustrating thing. I mean, it exhausts me watching it, and so I just think how is that in your head? Like that must just be exhausting, and you know, sometimes I'm like, just what do you want to do? What would you like to do? What are you interested in? You know, because I just get so tired of hearing mummy's version and daddy's version or so-and-so's version and that person, and I just think I know because I've heard and spoken to them that that's just what they say to you, and that's what you think you need to say.

Katie South:

And children really need to learn from any age, kind of have your own opinion. I mean, we talk about it a lot in our house. They're you know, schools are brilliant now at teaching children about all sorts of different religions, and we'll quite often say, you can decide what you believe. And they'll be like, But mummy, do you believe that God made the world?

Sam:

And I'll be like, Well, I don't believe that, but it's totally fine if other people do, and it's okay if you want to believe that, um, because you don't want kids to grow up with exactly your views, and it's important to help them form their own opinions, exactly that, and I think that's where we struggle in our household because it's very much mummy will try and make her live like her and believe her, and daddy will do the same, and I'm sort of in the middle trying to mediate and just trying to break free from from sort of making her a certain way, and what they're really doing is just kind of like messing her up. But the thing is, is I I I notice with her dad a lot of the behaviour that she comes out with, I I have noticed in her dad over the last few years, especially when when we had our daughter, it really took me by surprise because he was seeming like he was jealous of her as well. And so I had these two people that seemed more excited than me when we first found out we were expecting, and then when the reality hit and and she was here, it was it was like they suddenly were like, Oh, who's this? Taking away, and I I was so protective, and uh, I think half the time I was like, keep away from my baby. It just hurt, it really hurt. I went through all of that for everyone was excited, and then the reality was just not not the fairy tale I thought, you know. How could they resent this tiny little baby and be jealous of her? And I just felt so sorry for her, and I felt guilty for bringing her into that situation. I don't regret her at all, and I would never take her back, and you know, if push came to shove, the other two would be gone and she would be my life, and but it it hurts, it and it I think there's still a lot of feeling like that even now, like with her and them.

Katie South:

Is that something that you can talk to your partner about?

Sam:

Um I have done, but my partner is is not very good at talking, he's extremely stubborn, he doesn't like to talk at the best of times, and it ends up in huge rows, like awful, awful arguments. They shouldn't escalate as as much as they do, but they do, and to the point where I just think, well, I'm I have no option but to leave. Um and that even happened as recently as this week. It happened again, and I just I think it's it's really hard because when I first met him, I thought, oh, what a great dad, you know, oh he's so attentive, he's such a a great parent, and the reality started to sort of unravel, and then when we had our daughter, it really became obvious that he just he didn't have a clue what he was doing, he was just so busy saying how useless his ex was and how much better he was than her. And I I don't know, I almost feel like I've been punished for being a a decent mum. And I've sort of because he always said he had such a close relationship with his daughter when she was younger, and she was a real daddy's girl, but our daughter is just a complete mummy's girl. I'm her be all and end all, and he really doesn't like it. He I think he was so used to his daughter and how she was that he can't sort of appreciate it. And there have been times when I've turned around and said, Do you well, do you want me to be a crap mum then so that you can have a closer relationship with our daughter? I'm like, maybe you just need to be there more, maybe you need to be more present. I think he was just lucky with his daughter that he was just the the slightly better parent, and I just don't get why he doesn't appreciate it more. I mean, I suppose there's a lot of mums out there that don't really get a well done and you're doing a great job, we just kind of do it, but yeah, it just I think everything has to be on on their terms, and even their child has to be on their terms, and I think they both just need to really take a good hard look at themselves and just try and be a good parent, just try and be there, stop trying to score points against each other.

Katie South:

Yeah, I mean that's tiresome, isn't it? And you'd hope that after this many years they might have moved on from that.

Sam:

I mean, as I said, I think it just got worse because when we got engaged, I think that was the thing that stung his ex more, and I think us having a baby is what stung him more because all of a sudden I wasn't there for them all the time, and his, you know, so I had his ex angry because we were engaged and not liking me because of that, and then I had those two angry at me because all of a sudden all my attention was on this new baby, and I just thought, what do I do? I'm I'm completely stuck. I I'm a new I'm a new mum. We were dealing with lockdown and the pandemic, and I thought I've not even been a mum in normal times, and now I'm becoming a first-time mum in these times, and and I was expected to look after my stepdaughter a lot, and yeah, it all just became so much, so much.

Katie South:

It sounds like you've been through an awful, awful lot. Where do you want to go from here?

Sam:

Um it's tricky because I in my head I always pictured having a couple of babies myself, and I still very much would like at least another child, but I fight against it on a regular basis because of how me and my partner are, and because of how it's all been, I just think it wouldn't be fair to bring another child into the situation just yet. What I hope is that things sort of calm down with my stepdaughter's mum as she gets older and we maybe have less to do with her. Again, I don't know if I'm being naive. I hope that she'll go away a little bit.

Katie South:

I do find the women I talk to tend to say that as they get older, I mean, this is a generalization, right? But as they get older and you can arrange stuff more directly with the kids, she do have to have less to do with the ex.

Sam:

Yeah, yeah. And I I think that that will be a good thing, but I also think we're gonna have our own battle as to how my stepdaughter turns out. Is she gonna want to live with her mum who's not gonna have any boundaries and probably let boys stay around and have parties? Um, or is she gonna want to live with us? Because deep down it feels safer and more secure. I don't know. I mean, she's already resented the idea of me having another child. I was just having a casual chat with a family member on his side, and they were talking about how they wanted a child as soon as they get married. They were like, Oh, you're gonna have another one, and I said, I would like another one. And my stepdaughter was like, uh, why do you want another one? But then she also didn't want this family member who she's quite close to, as she's like an auntie. She didn't want her to have one either, so I thought it's not personal. I think she just she struggles with not having attention on her. So I think that's what that was about.

Katie South:

There's still a lot to get through, and I guess I'm really grateful to you for coming to talk to me today, particularly when you're in it, because a lot of the people we talk to are kind of out the other side, and it's kind of easier. So I really, really appreciate it, and maybe we can chat again sometime.

Sam:

Yeah, definitely. I told you there's that I I would need to be on a call with you for years, I think, to go through all the ins and outs and all the details and and everything. It's just it's just really hard. It's so hard, and I feel like nobody understands, and nobody tries to understand. Like I feel really lost right now. I don't know what is the best way forward. All I can hope is that it helps someone else at least to know they're not alone.

Katie South:

I can promise you it will, and I'm so grateful to you. And when we finish this recording, we'll have a little chat.

Sam:

Yeah.

Katie South:

But look, thank you. If you've got a story to share or you want to join one of our Stepmum Space workshops, please do get in touch. You can contact me via the website or on Instagram at Stepmum Space. And finally, if you didn't rate or review the show at the beginning of this episode, please, before you get on with your day, do so now. It really, really helps other women find us. Don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. See you next time!

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Katie South

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