Stepmum Space

Episode 27: “I Was Failing as a Stepmum”

• Season 4 • Episode 3

Share episode

For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com

If you’ve ever felt like you’re “failing” as a stepmum — like you’re not coping, not bonding, or not showing up how you thought you should — this episode will reassure you in the deepest way. Nietta shares her raw, honest story of becoming a stepmum to four children, bringing two of her own into the mix, and realising very quickly that stepfamily life was nothing like she expected.

In this episode, Katie talks to Nietta, who had previously co-parented well with her ex-husband and assumed blending families would feel similarly manageable. Instead, she found herself overwhelmed, constantly trying to prove she was a “good” stepmum, and battling the painful belief that she was failing everyone — including herself.

Nietta opens up about:

  • Feeling like she had to prove herself at every turn
  • The shock of stepping into a dynamic shaped by two biological mums
  • The emotional toll of trying to meet impossible expectations
  • Resenting her stepsons when they didn’t behave how she hoped
  • The exhaustion of carrying responsibility without feeling appreciated
  • How her mental health suffered under the pressure
  • The mindset work that helped her rebuild her confidence and peace

Through courage, reflection and real accountability, Nietta reframed her experience, rebuilt her relationships and created boundaries that protect her mental health. Her transformation is empowering — and full of lessons for any stepmum who feels like she’s “not enough.”

In This Episode We Explore:

  • Why even capable, loving women feel like they’re failing as stepmums
  • How expectations, comparison and guilt damage your confidence
  • What resentment really means — and why it’s normal
  • The shift that transformed her relationship with her stepsons
  • Boundaries that protect your peace without disconnecting from the kids
  • How to take responsibility for your thoughts, not everyone else’s behaviour
  • Why mindset work matters — and what it changes

If You Need Support
Book a free introductory coaching call: https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s work: https://www.stepmumspace.com

Keywords:
struggling stepmum, failing as a stepmum, stepmum resentment, blended family challenges, stepmum mental health, stepmum guilt, stepmum boundaries, overwhelmed stepmum, stepmum mindset shift, stepmum podcast, emotional support for stepmums

Helpful Links:
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You’re not failing — you’re navigating one of the hardest family roles there is. And you deserve support through it.

To join the Stepmum Space Workshop visit www.stepmumspace.com

Support the show

Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, where each episode we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. I am so so grateful to all of you who write to me and who got in touch to share your experience of Stepmum Life. It means the world to be able to offer a little bit of support on this bumpy and often isolating journey. I started Stepmum Space almost a year ago now, and the reception has been phenomenal. But I want to do more. I'm working on a lot of exciting new content to support Stepmums, couples, and stepfamily groups. So to find out more and to be registered for discounts on upcoming events, please do subscribe at www.stepmumspace.com. My guest today is Nietta. Nietta is a stepmum to four kids and has two of her own. Nietta admits she went into stepmumming fairly naively as she has a strong co-parenting relationship with her own ex. In this episode, we chat about all sorts, from managing your expectations of stepchildren to enforcing boundaries with the ex, two of them in Nietta's case, oh yes, to how to manage it when you muck up as a stepmum. It's a great chat, and you're gonna love Nietta's honesty. Let's get into it. Thank you so much for joining me. Welcome. Thank you for having me. And I've got to say, it's so nice to see your face because we've spoken on the phone and we've messaged, and it's nice to see you in. I was gonna say real life, but you're on a screen, so but it's nice to see you anyway. So look, tell me all about your family.

Nietta:

Um, my family is massive, is is chaos. Me and my partner have been together a couple of years. He has four children, ages from four to fifteen. I have two children, eight and twelve. So we have three smaller ones in the house, three bigger ones in the house that all come with their own issues with with preteen and teenage years, and um, and and the three little ones are boys, so that's Manic. One on the way, which is another boy. So I think we're we're on our way to building the next World Cup team. Um we're getting there, and we have so we have my two children Monday to Friday, and they are with their with their dad at weekends every weekend, and we have just one majority custody of my partner's two smallest as well. So they are now with us Monday to Friday as well. So we have four full-time in the house, and the two eldest ones kind of split their time between the houses depending on where they want to be, because they're a bit older, so they have the choice.

Katie South:

I'm just gonna break that down to make sure I'm understanding, and I've drawn a little diagram with me. I guess anyone who's listening is probably like visualizing it in their head. So, um, am I right in thinking that his four children, the two older ones, are one birth mum and the two younger ones are another birth mum?

Nietta:

Yes, yeah. So a first wife and then and then the the the partner before me. Yeah.

Katie South:

You mentioned that you had the kids Monday to Friday. So does that mean at weekends you're kind of child-free for the most part?

Nietta:

Um, yeah, depend yeah, depending. So the two youngest ones now go to their mum because that's what was arranged in the court order. So they're with mum at the weekend, um, every weekend. My two are generally with their dad. I have a really lovely co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband. He has them pretty much every weekend. My partner's eldest two, again, just kind of pick and choose, they tend to do alternate weekends, and those alternate weekends tend to be when I'm away anyway. So we do usually get one or two child-free weekends a month, which is lovely, which is all about to end. But for now, it's lovely.

Katie South:

Do you know? It's so funny. I remember when myself and my husband first got together, we both had children from previous relationships, but we also had every other weekend free together. And at the time, I found it so difficult because whilst I was really happy for my son to go and see his dad, and I knew that was the right thing to do, I missed him like mad, and I never, you know, had him to share him, so to speak. And but all my friends used to go, Oh my gosh, I'm so jealous of you, you get every other weekend to yourself. And I will never forget telling a friend that we were pregnant with a kind of ours baby, and they just went, What the hell are you doing?

Nietta:

You you're giving up every other weekend. Exactly that. That is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I need to find a really, really good child binder.

Katie South:

Well, you'll have some older babysitters, I guess, by that point, if the eldest is 15, so maybe a little bit of bribery, a little bit of money goes a long way. Yeah, especially with teenagers. Yeah. So look, it sounds like there is a lot to unpack in your story. Do you want to take us to the beginning and kind of share a bit about when you met your partner and how your relationship evolved?

Nietta:

Oh, how it evolved. It was actually very quick. I met my partner, he was actually my my postman.

Katie South:

So many jokes.

Nietta:

Yeah, no, yeah, I'll I'll leave them to your imagination. But yes, I do get quite a few. And we met during COVID, and it was definitely not supposed to be a thing. I remember finding out that he had four children and was just immediately like, nope, you know, not for me. He's really nice, but not for me. But I think we were just all a little bit lonely and a little bit bored during COVID. And I actually had my me and my ex-husband live live about 200 miles from each other. So I had him coming to stay at my house at the weekends to see the kids. So then my partner, once I met him, it kind of became my escape. I got to leave my house and I'd go and stay with him at the weekends. And you know, like I say, me and my ex-husband get on fine, but spending every single weekend together when you're, you know, two years post-separation was not what we were not what we were ready for. And it just rolled on from there quite, quite quickly. Um, and I think we'd been together about a year, and I got served notice on my house we were, we were renting after moving to where we had moved to. Um, I I was in a bit of a position, wasn't quite sure where I was going to go or what I was gonna do. It was the middle of COVID, so viewing houses wasn't really a thing either. And he had turned round and kind of said, Look, you know, we can we can make this work and we can accommodate if you need to move in with me for a while. So that's what we kind of did because I almost was left with no choice, which doesn't sound very nice, but that's that's where we were at. And we ended up kind of saying, Well, if this is the way things are going anyway, what's the point of me moving in for a bit and then moving back out? So we ended up doing this conversion of the house because we have so many children, putting up stud walls, making bedrooms, converting the garage and whatnot, and then that was it. And that was just a I think a lot quicker than what I would have done it if I hadn't been pushed into the position that I was in. I also walked in very naively. I walked in, I think, with an idea that me and my co-parent have such a lovely relationship, yeah. Very naively, like I could make friends with his exes and everything would be lovely and and definitely had blinkers on, and then walked in and then found out the truth that so many of us live, unfortunately. Oh gosh. Tell us a bit about that. Um, I actually got on with his ex-wife, the oldest, the oldest who's mum, quite well at the beginning. I took her for lunch one day. I remember messaging her and saying, you know, it'd be really nice to get to know you. You know, I'm obviously gonna be around now. It would be nice to get to know you. And we went for lunch and we actually got on really well. It was really nice. And then there was a catalyst, and I think it was something that's something that someone thought I had said, something that had been reported by a child that to my knowledge does is not remembered. I was in the presence of lots of other adults, none of them remember this being said either. Um, but that was it, and there was one thing, and it was a catalyst, and you know, I remember going to her and kind of saying, I'm not gonna say that I remember this because I because I don't. But if I've upset you, I'm sorry. If I've upset my stepdaughter, I'm sorry. You know, I was learning as well. I've never done this, I've never dealt with this many children, I've never dealt with this many copies. That's the thing. I think we just as step parents almost don't get afforded the respect to fail when we fail as well, because we do. And I apologised and I went tail between legs and I said, you know, this doesn't have to be an issue. And it became an issue, unfortunately, and things got very high conflict very quickly. We had an awful lot of stuff, you know, stuff was put online, fake accounts were made. There were then issues with the eldest two because of things that they were overhearing from their mum, so that relationship changed very quickly.

Katie South:

That's hard.

Nietta:

It is, it is, and then, like, you know, my favourite word is is boundaries because all of a sudden I had these gates go up, and I was like, okay, no, something needs to change because she's obviously not going to change, which means that how I respond to this and how my household and my relationship works needs to change so that we are protecting ourselves, you know, from unfortunately what is five minutes down the road.

Katie South:

But do you know what? It's really difficult to understand why somebody's gone from kind of yeah, let's go for lunch, let's do this, to suddenly shifting. Do you think there was other stuff going on behind the scenes? I know that she's had problems with partners before.

Nietta:

So my partner's other bio mum to the two little ones, they never got on. That was never nice. From what I know of bio mum number two, the little ones' mums. Um, she was just a lot more quiet about it. You know, it was kind of like, don't rock the boat, I'm not that way. I'm not, you know, I'm not quiet about it. So I think she just kind of almost lived from from what I have heard, lived in a state of just dealing with it, you know, just kind of taking everything that was being thrown at her. Um, it's something that me and my partner talk about a lot because I say that I walked in with blinkers, which I did because of my co-parenting relationship, but I have friends who have high conflict parenting relationships, you know. So I I knew that it was a thing. I knew that not everybody has it easy. Um, you know, but he'll openly admit as well, he didn't tell me everything because it would have scared me away. How do you how do you feel about that? Lots of ways. I feel lots of ways. Um, I'm angry, I've said, and I voiced it an awful lot that I'm angry. I don't feel like I was told the history of what I needed to know before I made a choice to move me and my children in here. And I can't say what I would have done if I'd known maybe again I would have walked in with a naivety that I could have changed it potentially. Maybe I would have run a mile. I guess we'll never know.

Katie South:

We'll never know. And I think you can have all the information, but it's not to say how you're gonna experience it.

Nietta:

Yeah, and I think there's an ego to it. I think even when things started becoming high conflict, I still had an idea, I can change this, I'm a good co-parent. There's no reason that this can't get better. There was a definite, and I I will admit it, there was an ego. There was an ego that I could make everything better. And you have to, I think, realize that if you're not the problem, or if you're not creating the problems, you don't you don't have the power to make it better. That's in the hands of the person who is creating the problems, yeah.

Katie South:

And I think that's such an important lesson for us all because so much of the time we kind of think, oh, it'll be okay, I'll come along and fix everyone. And that's such a classic role of the rescuer for the stepmum to fall into and to kind of really be jarring with that wicked stepmother so desperately and wanting to fix everything and wanting to make everybody happy, and it it actually just causes more problems because we get hurt when it doesn't work, we feel upset and rejected when the children don't respond how we're hoping they will, and it's it's a path to nowhere good, really.

Nietta:

It is, I think there's such a need to prove ourselves when we walk into that relationship and more so walk into the kids' lives. I don't know whether we're trying to prove it to other people or to ourselves. I remember thinking, four kids. Okay, well, I'm I'm a mum. You know, I'm a mum. I've got to, it can't be that hard, it can't be that difficult. You know, co-parenting, well, that can't be that difficult. Me and me and my co-parent get on great. There is a naivety and there is a trying to prove it to I think everyone around you, and to the kids, and to your partner, and to yourself, and you end up holding an awful lot back, and that turns into resentment. I found that turned into resentment quite quickly.

Katie South:

And how did that resentment show up in your home and your relationship?

Nietta:

I tried really hard to not let it show up in the relationship as such, it was definitely more myself. I felt my mental health go downhill quite quickly, and I really failed at the very beginning to bond with my with my stepsons, especially the two smallest ones. I think they were have been raised so differently to mine that again I came in with this ego of I can fix this, I can fix them. Like they needed fixing. Well, they're child, their children, they've not been raised the same way mine has raised mine. They don't need fixing. And because of that, because I think I had taken on such I don't want to say a burden, but this this need to prove to myself that I could be everything that I wanted to be as a stepparent, I ended up just working myself into the ground emotionally, and then because I had worked myself into the ground emotionally, I couldn't give what I needed to give to my relationship, and I couldn't give what I needed to give to my stepsons, and I ended up at the beginning, and it's a really, it's a really jarring thing to say because they are small and they are so beautiful, just the most beautiful boys, but for so long there was such a resentment towards them. It was well, I'm parenting you how I parent mine, so why are you not getting it? Why are you not doing this the way I want you to do this? Why are you not learning this quick enough? You know, why are you not doing what mine do? And instead of sitting back and thinking they're not doing things the way that mine do them because I've not raised them. They have different habits and different routines. And rather than sitting back and seeing what I can see now, it just was the bubbling resentment of you're not learning quick enough. Why is this so difficult? I expected to be able to walk into that role and change what I needed and prove what I needed to prove to everyone around me. And and I I drove myself into the ground and it was horrible. I imagine it was if you ask anyone in the house, it was probably horrible for everyone around. Uh, it took some self-reflection. I think it takes a lot of self-reflection to be able to sit back and actually say I was wrong, you know, that my approach was wrong at the beginning as well.

Katie South:

You spoke earlier about how we're not given space to fail as stepmums. And I could not agree more because, you know, if you fuck something up as a mum and you're like, oh God, I did the most awful thing this morning. Like I told them that the tooth fro wasn't going to come because they'd been naughty, or you know, you say something and then the words go out of your mouth and you're like, shit, get them back in, but you can't. Everyone has a laugh about it, but it is not the same when you fail on these step-mum situations. And actually, you're probably more likely to fail because there's no bloody role models admitting things or telling it how it is, or all of those good things that we need. So I think it's it's not surprising that you went in, you know, having this brilliant relationship with your ex-husband and thinking, oh, we can create that as well. And it becoming such a fall from, I guess, where you where your ambition was to where your family actually ended up.

Nietta:

Yeah, it definitely feels like you're I almost it's not a bad thing because it's worked now, but I feel like there was a crawl, a crawl out of a hole. It got to a point where everything was just in a hole and everything had kicked off. And even what even when I found out about this pregnancy, my house was not in a stable place, and that was really hard to deal with as well. The thought of of myself of bringing another child into this situation was terrifying, and you just like I say, it was the self-reflection to say, okay, well, obviously what I've been doing hasn't been working, so we need to approach this in a different way. And we crawled out of that hole together, all six million of us, it feels we we crawled out of that hole together, and and things have come on so massively just in the last six months.

Katie South:

So, what sort of things were you asking of your stepchildren that kind of caused that conflict?

Nietta:

What I considered such basics. Put your plates away or or put them on the kitchen side because the boys were little, try and eat without getting food on the floor, the walls, the ceilings, everywhere. Just just small things in the way that mine had been raised differently. In tidying up after yourself, in pleases and thank yous, the smallest those three when I moved in, screaming, just screaming. It had been reinforced that if they screamed enough, they would get what they wanted. And that was just never gonna be the way that I parented. So moving in, I think I seemed almost like a bull in a china shop. I was kind of like, okay, we're changing everything, everything's changing. I'm not doing this, I'm not standing for this. Do I think I was wrong? No, because I really wouldn't have been able to live with the screaming. Do I think I probably could have taken a softer approach? Definitely.

Katie South:

I would really identify with that as well, actually, in my own experience. And I think sometimes we things that seem so normal to us, like have a sensible bedtime and go to bed. I think because we think, oh, but surely everybody does that. It's a real surprise, then when people don't. And if you're somebody, I remember reading in Wednesday Martin's Stepmonster that actually women who have quite strong ideas about how children should be raised tend to be the ones who struggle most as stepmums because they look at what's happening and they think, but hang on, that's not that's not good for the kids. So, like whether it's social media, which lots of people talk about, is is kind of a massive push point around, well, the stepchildren are allowed at a mum's house, but stepmum doesn't want it because she knows it's bad for them. But then you just end up getting into these massive battles, which, like you say, it's like you're not gonna change your view on what's right, but actually, would you go about it the same way again? Probably not. But it's all it all comes from caring about them, and that's I think the thing that's so you know, I was I was gonna say heartbreaking, and then I thought, is that an exaggeration? But it isn't, it's heartbreaking to know that you want to do something for the good of somebody else, but actually everybody else thinks you're being horrible.

Nietta:

Yeah, I think it's um causes friction, I think, in a relationship when you walk in as well. Because I was walking in, and and exactly like you said, I was going, okay, well, this could be done better for them. They need to be able to sit and eat nicely for them, and for everyone else in the house as well. You know, there are other kids in the house, and by that point, my kids are in the house. So you're seeing something, you're going, okay, I care about you, so I want you to get up to speed where you can be more self-sufficient, where you are potty trained, where you are gearing up for school, and then I my partner very much looked at that as well, you're calling me a bad parent. You're telling me I've not done it properly. Yeah, there's no really tactile way to say, yeah, kinda, but also no, but also I don't want to cause an argument. So I think that that was really difficult as well. I think when you storm in there and you try and make changes, which I did, and and like you say, would I do it again? Yes. Would I do it differently? Yes. But I would absolutely do the same thing. The boys have come on leaps and bounds, they're just the most amazing, amazing children. But I didn't consider my partner in that. I didn't consider how me making those changes made him feel, and again, admitting failures and that self-reflection, even when he was trying to tell me, I didn't listen because I kept saying, I'm doing this for the kids, I'm doing this for the household.

Katie South:

Yeah, and also it's quite hard when you've got your own children there. And you know, we've talked about this on previous episodes about how we're told so often treat all the kids the same, or you know, have the same rules for the same kids. But then actually it's really difficult because if they're going to other houses where they've got different rules, then of course it's going to be hard for everybody, and it's probably just for everybody to just have a bit of compassion for everybody else in the house. But obviously, when you're dealing with like three and five-year-olds, they're not they're not known for their compassion.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Katie South:

Particularly to adults. So at this stage, how often were the boys, the little boys with you, and how often were the older children with you?

Nietta:

Um, so we were doing with the boys, we had a week on, week off. So it was, you know, a a Sunday to a Sunday night to a Sunday night. Um, so we had a full week with them, and then they had a full week with mum. The oldest two, again, you know, for for a good year or so now they've just kind of flitted around. My stepson, uh, who is 13, he tends to do week on, week off, unless he changes his mind for whatever reason, but he tends to stick to that as well. My stepdaughter, if she spends most of her time at her mum's, but she'll kind of choose to flip backwards and forwards depending on on what we're doing. They're very lucky. They live, you know, we live really close to their mum. So we are within walking distance. And because they are older, they can just pop over whenever they feel like it. Mind of all of always being with me the Monday to Friday. So it was quite nice at the beginning because where I was finding it quite hard to deal with the boys, we had that week on, week off. So I would have a really full-on week with them where I would just stress myself out, you know, something chronic. And then I had a whole week to unwind and just be with mine, which was felt amazing at the time. In hindsight, I realize now it was not the best thing because the anxiety gearing up to the transition day again on the Sunday and then coming back would ruin half my week, and it was because I wasn't dealing with it properly.

Katie South:

Yeah, I mean, I recognise that, and I know a lot of women do. I remember talking to a mum on the side of a football pitch and saying, I've just got this really weird thing going on with my chest, and I don't really know. It's like tight to breathe, and and she was like, That's anxiety. That's like, oh, I okay, right. Uh, because you know, I'd always kind of thought, oh, I get really worried about this, but you know, then the physical symptoms take over, and you're like, shit, this is like serious, I have to do something about this. So you were experiencing that anxiety and the run-up to them coming, and I guess that obviously has a knock-on effect with everything else in your home. How did you manage that?

Nietta:

I wasn't managing, I wasn't managing. Um to the to to outside, I was amazing. I'd taken on these children and everything was great. And oh my goodness, aren't you mad? But isn't that lovely? And on the inside, I was falling apart. I was going to bed at 7 p.m. because I couldn't stand to be around any of them. My children were finding it hard, and I was finding it hard. Watching them struggle, it just felt it felt like a constant battle. It felt like a battleground. My house felt like a battleground, and that was down to no one but me because I wasn't managing. So I wouldn't say that I was managing at all.

Katie South:

And how did you get yourself out of that?

Nietta:

An awful lot of mindset work, which has never really been my thing. I'm a very practical person, I'm a very logical person. It's black, it's white, I don't do grey areas, I don't really do emotions, it's you know, you get the job done. That was part of my problem moving in, that I almost didn't look at it emotionally, I didn't consider how everyone was feeling. I walked in and said, right, there's a job to do, I'm gonna do that job, and I will succeed at that job. So mindset work had kind of always been a bit airy-fairy to me. And I started to look into it more, and I just started to almost almost put myself through therapy, almost sit with myself, and every single time I had a negative emotion, I I flipped it, which has now become somewhat of an annoyance to my friends and family because I'm constantly telling them to flip the way they're feeling, and they're going, no, I just want to feel bad for a second, just leave me alone. Um, but you know, if something wasn't going my way, it wasn't a case of a let's get upset about that. It was a okay, but what is going my way and what has worked? So, what what do I do now? It was this isn't the boys' fault, the boys haven't been raised this way. Maybe my expectations of them are far too great for what they're used to, expecting them to come back from their mums and immediately fall into a routine because that's what my kids have always done, and then realizing that they've never been made to do that before. So I think it was just focusing less on my stress and more on how I was making other people feel with what I was doing, and I very quickly became far more in tune with my stepsons and what they needed and how they each reacted. They are completely different boys, they're close in age, but they're completely different boys. So finding out what worked for each of them. You know, I'm not gonna say I'm not a disciplinarian, I am, there's discipline when there needs to be discipline, but they both react completely differently and in different ways. So it was tuning in to find out actually, maybe I'm the problem, maybe what I'm doing isn't working. And as soon as that I had had that thought process, everything changed.

Katie South:

Everything changed, which is brilliant, and I think I have to really commend you for taking that step and going, right, okay, and it's what I talk to a lot of women about. The only person you can change is yourself, right? And how you approach those situations can have such a dramatic effect, but it can be really hard when actually you really want other people to change and you really want other people to do things differently, but they're not going to. So I guess the the only thing that I would say is please don't think of yourself as the being the problem because it's an expectations thing, right? And you were not a problem, but I think it's amazing that you could recognise, okay, well, this something's not working here. I've got the power of how I respond, so I'm gonna take control of that. And you know, it's amazing to hear that it has had such a brilliant effect. So hats off to you. You mentioned at the beginning that the boys were with you more often now. What what's led you to that?

Nietta:

We ended up having some just some issues with their with their education, with their schooling. When they were on mum's time, they they I I think she was just having a bit of a hard time. She wasn't making it to school runs. You know, there were an awful lot of late and awful, and and the smallest one was gearing up, so he's just started in September. So there had to be this really quick decision of do we want this to happen to him as well as happening to his brother? Do we want his brother to go into another school year where he's being late, where he's upset, where he's not making it to school? And we we made there was actually um a couple of threats of mum removing them. Um mum had ties to about an hour away, and and every time there was an upset, it was, you know, I'm gonna take them there. I'm gonna take them there. And I'm a very legally confident person because I have family in family law, and my partner is not. And I kind of said to him, Look, the only thing you can do is is go legally. And that was the decision that was sat on for a while. He was not very comfortable doing that. I think the the thought of court is is so massive. To anyone who who doesn't understand it. And any future co-parenting relationship that may he may have been able to build with her would have been ruined by that. So it was sat on for a while. And then there was this threat again of them being taken. And I think it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. And he kind of said, Okay, what do I need to do? I'm not going to keep being threatened. What do I need to do? And and we did that. So we we filed in court, and that took all of about three months. And they are now with us Monday to Fridays, and they're with mum three weekends a month.

Katie South:

So they're still getting plenty of time with their mum.

Nietta:

Yeah.

Katie South:

And it's almost just a different type of routine.

Nietta:

Yeah, it was really important for us that they still have a really good relationship with their mum. Nobody doubts that their mum loves them. She just wasn't able to give them what they needed and get them where they needed to be. There has never there's never particularly been any conflict on that side. It's it's not nice, you know, it's not friendly, but it's it's always been fairly amicable. So, so you know, we we want them to spend time with their mum. They love their mum, they're small boys. You know, we're very open about talking about the co-parents, the mums, the dads. You know, if they've been with mum, it's how's mum? Did you have a nice time?

Katie South:

I can sort of almost imagine like this wall chart in your kitchen on a whiteboard with different family trees and kind of different people joined. Because, as well, you've got all those different relationships. Like I know my my six-year-old, who is mine and my husband's together, it took him a while to wrap his head around the relationship that he had with my elder son's dad because he couldn't quite understand. Well, my brother goes there all the time, but I never go there. Can I go around one day? And and is he something to me then? Or is he, you know, and just trying to get their head around all these people is is difficult, isn't it?

Nietta:

Yeah, it's like you say, I think I'm gonna have to come up with some kind of flow chart so that they all know. Yeah, exactly.

Katie South:

When they go to school and it's like, right, who's in your household? And they're like, I need another bit of paper, miss.

Nietta:

You should see the Christmas cards, the sheer amount of Christmas cards they are.

Katie South:

It sounds really positive that you know your relationship with the younger kids is much better and that they're in a nice routine and they're obviously still getting to spend a lot of time with their mum because, like I was saying earlier, most people don't have a child to share them, so it is still really painful, and you'll know that from your experience of co-parenting with your ex. You mentioned your eldest stepdaughter, only girl in the family doesn't come very often. Is there anything you can share with us about why that is?

Nietta:

Um she doesn't come. I think A, it's a funny time in her life, she's a 15-year-old girl, so I think you gravitate towards your mum anyway. I also don't blame her. The house is chaos and the house is full of small boys. I used to joke that you know, could she take me back to her mum's with her because it was a much calmer environment. So I do not blame her there at all. And and I think because of because of the conflict between her mum and our household, I I do think some of that has been passed over. I don't think she realizes, and I I think, and this is all speculation because I don't know what goes on in the other house, but from the way that I have seen the relationship change, I I do feel like there were things that were being said, and I do think there were conversations that were being had in front of her, and I almost think that the parental child line is blurred in that house. When she's in our house, she's a child, you know. I know she's 15, but she's a child, like the rest of the children, and in that house, I think her and her mum are really great friends, and I think that's amazing. I do. Um, but then I think it's quite hard for her then to come walk back into our space, where then she's a child again, and she is asked to do things or told what to do, or just treated in a different way than she is at her mum's. She knows that she's welcome here, she knows that we want her here, she knows that we love her and that she can, you know, be here whenever she wants to be here.

Katie South:

Yeah, and you know, that dynamic of mum's best friend. Yes, it's lovely to have a close relationship with your mum, but it is not, in my opinion, and in the opinions of psychologists that we've had on the show, not healthy to be best friends with your kids. You're a parent, you're not their best friend. So I totally can empathize with you around that situation of being mum's best friend in one house and then coming to the other house and finding it difficult to be a kid. I hear it a lot, you know, it's a really common dynamic, particularly with exes who haven't got a partner, that the child, you know, the eldest daughter falls into that role and becomes sort of mum's best friend, mum's confidant, and and all of that. Which then, you know, they're sharing things with their kids that quite frankly they shouldn't be sharing. And then that forms an opinion that your stepdaughter will have on yours and your husband's home, whether it's true or not.

Nietta:

It is, and that's a shame because she was actually she was she was the the one that I built a relationship with first. We had a really lovely relationship at the beginning, really quickly, and I know they were quite apprehensive about their dad having another partner, so I took it really slowly, but and I was really worried about it. And we fell into having a really lovely relationship really, really quickly. Um, so when that kind of all shifted six months ago, that was just such a shame to see it go that way. But I think you said earlier, you know, you you can't control how other people behave, you can't control the other household. We make her know that she is loved here and she is a part of this family. But outside of that, you know, that there's not an awful lot you can do. And like I say, I think as well, being a 15-year-old girl, she you gravitate to mum anyway.

Katie South:

Earlier on, you were talking about how your mental health had taken a bit of a battering um in the earlier days of your relationship and how you realized that you needed to set some boundaries. Can you share a bit about what they were and how you went about setting and importantly enforcing them?

Nietta:

I think the biggest one for me that made the most difference was I went no contact with BioMum 1. Most of the horrible messages, the attacks, things like that would go to my partner's phone. But every now and again, you know, I I would get something unsavory, and then when something was put online about six months ago, full of all kinds of accusations, I just thought she's she's not my co-parent. She's not my co-parent. I've done my best, I've tried, I'm done. And she was blocked on everything, and I had put off doing that because I felt like there was almost a teenage pettiness about blocking people, you know, like I'm blocking you on WhatsApp, I'm blocking you on, and then I realized it's not, it's protecting me. Because when something were to kick off, the constant anxiety of hearing your phone ping is not normal. That's not normal. Nobody should be living like that. So that boundary was enforced, she has never been unblocked, even if sometimes I have felt like I have things to say, I don't I have not done it. So so that one was a massive one. I don't really need to co-parent with with the boy's mum again. I kind of I leave it to my my partner. Boundaries were set there regarding things like pickup and drop-offs, things like timings, because she was just quite inconsistent, and that didn't work for our house. You know, if we had plans, we have drop-offs and pickups with my children, and like I say, their their dad's almost 200 miles away, so they're big pickup pickup and drop-offs, you know, and and then we could possibly have the older two in the house as well, or we had things planned, and you know, you know, and plans fell through because uh there were a couple of times where we would try and drop the boys home and she just wasn't home and just didn't pick up the phone. Um so there were kind of boundaries set there around we need to set you know together a time for pickups for drop-offs, and then enforcing that was not that's quite hard because if someone turns up late, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can do, so there's the expectation as well, and I think that's a massive part of it. I would say our biggest enforcement of that culminated in in going to court. That was that enforcement, you know, which is a hardline enforcement.

Katie South:

But I mean the thing is if somebody's notoriously known for not being there on time to pick up their kids, they know that you're not gonna leave the kids by themselves, like on the doorstep and be like, Cheerio then. So you don't have anywhere to go with things like that.

Nietta:

That's it, and I think that's where dealing with the expectation and then adjusting, like we have said lots of lots of times here, adjusting how you react. You know, it was a case of right, stop making plans for directly after they're supposed to be dropped home. Because they say, Don't be mad at a clown for being a clown, ask yourself why you're still going to the circus. Was it me that was being stupid by by keep being let down constantly when I knew that they were probably going to be late? That's on me. So it's a was about adjusting our household so it still ran harmoniously, but so we weren't relying on her timings because they weren't there, unfortunately.

Katie South:

That is admirable to be able to do that, but it also feels like excruciatingly unfair on you that you have to manage your family around somebody who cannot do what they say they're gonna do when they say they're gonna do it. So, again, like hats off to you. I like the clown analogy.

Nietta:

Um, I think like I say, I think I think that got to the point, like say it is hellishly unfair, which is how how that culminated in court. It was like, okay, I've done my bit, I I've I've moved stuff around, but actually I'm not willing to deal with this forever. I'm not. We need we need things, you know, set in stone, as we have found out in the last month and a half. Unfortunately, a court order also doesn't set things in stone, but it was a step there, it was a step towards it. Um, I think our biggest kind of communicative boundaries were massive in setting when we were willing to be contacted, how we were going to reply. I think something massive for my partner is that he's always felt the need to justify himself. He's a fantastic dad. He really is a fantastic dad, and how he he's coped with things that I never knew that people could experience, and and he really is fantastic. But because he's such a good dad, he always feels the need to justify himself as a good dad. And and that would cause these these back and forth, these arguments, these long conversations with con like high conflict co-parents. And I was saying, just don't. You need to set the boundary in you can think whatever you want to think, and you can say whatever you want to say. I don't have to justify myself, and actually, you're now talking to yourself, yeah. Because I'm gonna spend all evening playing ping pong with you about who the better parent is.

Katie South:

I'm not gonna do that, and you know that text tennis is something that we hear so often. And for anybody who's listening who sees their partner being chastised and got at and all these things, and wants them to go in and defend themselves because actually what's being said is really unfair. I hear you, but stop. Do not respond, no response is a response, and it's a good one.

Nietta:

It is. I mean, I think I think it's the same thing that I say to the kids, you know. If kids come home from school and go, oh, so and so called me a poo head, and I go, Well, are you a poo head? And they go, no, and I go, well, then what's the problem? What are you worried about? You know, and it was kind of the same to him, you know, and and she's saying that I've done this, I'm like, but have you? And he's like, Well, no, and I'm like, then what's the issue?

Katie South:

I think it's just so hard because you know, as you say, and as you've experienced, and as so many women who listen to the podcast experience, you know that that shit, for want of a better word, is gonna be spouted at the stepchildren. So they are going to then believe that, and that's where that horrible cycle comes into, where you you want to defend yourself, but then you're like joining the circus, and it's just I mean, it's just impossible. It sounds like you've really uh been to Hellenback with it. So, where are you now with uh ex-wife number one?

Nietta:

So I'm completely no contact still. Her and my partner have a lot less contact. Um we will get a message if she's angry about something. Most of the time he won't reply. Um, he'll then get some kind of message or sometimes even a call from his parents because she'll get a hold of them going, you know, but he hasn't replied to me. And it's kind of like you're not entitled to his time. That message didn't warrant, didn't warrant a reply, and we just don't. So he has got an awful lot better, and I think he's realised that he doesn't have to deal with it. Um, and we're actually looking at the moment, which is quite a quite a severe thing. We're actually looking at him going almost no contact as well. Because the kids are older now and they both have phones and they live so close, other than emergencies, there's no real need for them to be in contact because what they are doing at the moment is not co-parenting, it's a little bit of abuse every couple of weeks, and that's not co-parenting. Um, so actually, there's not an awful lot of need for contact there, and I think the contact that is there now, even though it's so much less than what it was, say a year ago, is still some element of control. So there have been talks about you know potentially just eliminating it and making sure that the kids both have good working phones and that we can always get a hold of them and they can always get a hold of us, and and looking at going no contact that way, but it's definitely settled down. But I think it has settled down because we have enforced the boundaries that we've put in.

Katie South:

Well, that's good, good for you. And so when is your new addition to the family arriving?

Nietta:

Beginning of March. Beginning of March. So that is a whole different thing. That is moving bedrooms around and then introducing all of these different children to into this baby, and you know, and I don't know what's going to happen with co-parents there, you know. So I I don't know. I'm not I'm I'm very excited because this was absolutely not planned, but have become very excited, but also quite anxious as well. I'm a lot older than I was last time. That makes me panic a little bit. You look young to me. I was very young when I had the first two.

Katie South:

So I definitely, I definitely felt older the second time around. But you know, I like I like to tell myself that I've got life experience and stuff.

Nietta:

In the space of a year and a half, I've gone from two children to almost seven. Well that's like I say, bravery or stupidity, we'll find out.

Katie South:

It's a lot for somebody, you know. We've talked about it before on the show, but you in in a sort of quote unquote normal family, you have time. You do have time to adjust, you have time to get to know one child, you have time, and and it's not the same. So, hats off to you. I mean, I've taken about 17 hats off to you. I feel like there should be a little pile of hats in the corner. Um, and before I let you go, just share with me a bit about how the kids have reacted to the news of their new baby brother.

Nietta:

Um, I think the three smallest boys, very excited that there's going to be another boy in the house. I mean, if you can eye up football baby grows, they've already found them. My my daughter, my 12-year-old, is now excited. Was not very happy at the beginning because there's so many kids, was then not happy when she found out it was a boy, another boy. Um, but actually her little maternal side has kicked in and she's very excited now as well. She's the one that's kind of leading the baby name, baby name train. Um, and my partner's two eldest, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. So we'll see. But I think you know, when they all meet and when he's here, it it will be lovely. It will be lovely. They're they're great. His his eldest two are really amazing big brother and sister to to the smallest two. So I'm sure they will be exactly the same.

Katie South:

Oh, well, congratulations again. And perhaps when the baby's been born and you've got, you know, had time to recover, you'll come back and have a chat with us again about it.

Nietta:

Yes, and I will probably be ten times more mad and completely incoherent.

unknown:

Right.

Katie South:

Well, look, thank you so much for your time. Thank you for having me. Oh, I loved hearing from Nietzsche, and I hope you did too. So much in that conversation to take away, not least to give ourselves a bit more compassion and permission to fail. Because we will. So instead of beating yourself up, try and learn from things and remind yourself what you're doing is hard, really hard. It's no surprise that stepmums suffer much more anxiety and depression than other family members, and that's why the women I work with in one-to-one coaching and group workshops come to me. Because I've been there, I understand, and I have got tools and techniques which are proven to help. If you want to find out more about how I can help, head to www's.stepmamspace.com and get in touch. And if you've got a story to share, please let me know. You can contact me via the website or on Instagram at Stepmum Space. Finally, if you've enjoyed the show, please do rate and review as it really really does help other women find us. See you next time.

Head Shot

Katie South

Host