Stepmum Space

Episode 28: “My Stepson Has Two Different Lives — His Mum and I Are SUCH Different People!”

• Season 4 • Episode 4

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For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com

If you’ve ever felt torn between how you parent and how things are done in the other house, this episode will feel incredibly familiar. Becky joins Katie to talk honestly about the challenges of raising children across two very different homes — and what happens when you have full parental autonomy with your own kids, but very little with your stepchild.

In this episode, Katie talks to Becky, a stepmum to one boy and biological mum to two young girls. Becky has always been clear about the type of parent she wants to be, and because she met her stepson when he was just 18 months old, she has played a huge role in shaping his life.

But with that comes complexity.

Becky opens up about:

  • Parenting her daughters with full autonomy — while having no final say over her stepson
  • The pressure to “treat him like your own,” without being given the authority that goes with it
  • The guilt she feels loving her bio children differently from her stepson
  • The pressure from her husband to love all three children the same
  • Navigating completely different rules and expectations in each home
  • Why her stepson needs a “reset” after returning from his mum’s
  • The fear that he may one day prefer the looser boundaries in the other house

This is a deeply validating, honest conversation about identity, boundaries, guilt, and the very real emotional load of trying to parent well in a system you don’t control.

Thank you, Becky, for your openness and honesty.
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In This Episode We Explore:

  • What happens when your home and the other home are polar opposites
  • How to cope when you have different values, rules and expectations
  • Loving bio kids and stepkids differently — and why that’s normal
  • The emotional strain of responsibility without authority
  • “Reset periods” and why children behave differently across homes
  • The fear of losing connection as kids get older
  • How stepmums can find confidence and clarity in the chaos

If You Need Support
Book a free introductory coaching call: https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s work: https://www.stepmumspace.com

Keywords:
different rules in different houses, stepmum guilt, stepmum parenting differences, loving bio kids differently, stepmum resentment, blended family challenges, two different households, stepmum boundaries, struggling stepmum, stepmum podcast, emotional support for stepmums

Support the Podcast:
If you enjoy Stepmum Space and want to help us continue making the show, you can support the podcast here:
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Helpful Links:
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You’re not failing — you’re doing your best inside two different worlds. And that matters.

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Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, where each episode we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. Now we have a little celebration this week, folks. Stepmum's face is one year old, and what a year it's been! We've reached stepmums across the world in almost 50 different countries, and I've worked with hundreds of you in one-to-one or small groups, each one of you unique, brave, and incredible in her own way. Over the next year, there's even more to come, so to ensure you hear all the news from Stepmum Space first, please get yourself registered by subscribing at www.stepmumspace.com. So, look, a massive, massive thank you for all your support, it truly means the world. I set out on a mission to make this bumpy journey a little bit easier for stepmums, and I'm so so grateful to each and every one of you for listening and reaching out to share your experiences. Thank you so much. Now my guest today is Becky. Becky is a stepmum to one boy and a biological mum to two little girls. In this chat, Becky shares her story of being, in her words, the boring parent, while BioMum gets to be the fun parent. Becky talks about how she won't compromise her parenting values just to be popular. I hope you enjoy it. Hi Becky, thank you ever so much for joining me today. It's lovely to see your face. Hi, it's nice to talk to you too. Thank you for having me on your show.

Becky:

How's it going? Yeah, good, thank you. Um, yeah, it's not too bad. Uh just getting used to life after Christmas. I think you know, with young children you uh have to settle down after Christmas again, don't you?

Katie South:

So Yeah, I think um we're recording this on what feels like the sort of 474th of January. It does feel that way, doesn't it? It's really cold as well, isn't it? So it's really cold. It's ages till payday. I still don't fit into my clothes.

Becky:

Completely agree. So yeah, but other than that, everything's fine.

Katie South:

So other than that, everything's great. Cool. Well, look, tell me a little bit about your family.

Becky:

So uh I met my husband six years ago. Uh when I met him, he had an 18-month-old little boy. So straight away, it was one of the first things he told me when we met that he had a son and um he had him half the time, which I thought was brilliant because as someone who always wanted children, it's nice to see those values in someone that you know they're really keen to have the children, so that was great. Um met his son quite soon after we met because he was so young, he was kind of like, well, he's part of my life, so I'd rather you met him quite early on so he can be part of your life as well, if things progress, kind of thing.

Katie South:

Yeah, and I guess at like 18 months, you don't have the same issues of things to explain and worrying about what they might say to the other parent, etc. Yeah.

Becky:

Exactly. And um, my husband did say that at the time. He said that if you know, if this had been six months down the line and he would have been able to talk and a bit more able to understand the situation, then I that I wouldn't have introduced you as soon. But because he was so young, it was kind of I think they split for six months before that. So my stepson had never really known his parents together, if you like. So it wasn't like a strange thing for him. So so I met him really early on. Yeah, we sort of became quite close quite quickly. So we became like a small little family unit quite quickly, which was really nice. I mean, it was a big challenge for me to sort of take on this role of oh, there's a child around, not all the time, but 50% of the time. Um, and not just a child, a very young, dependent child needed a lot from you. So um it was a real big challenge, but actually at the time I knew I always wanted children, so it was kind of like a good, if you like, practice run for me. And from the beginning, that was how I saw it as like uh okay, I can treat this child like my own, I don't have that responsibility. And I think to start with, I didn't really find my place quite straight away because I didn't know how to be. I'd never been in that position before.

Katie South:

So and how was it between you and your partner in the early days with regards to kind of like looking after his son?

Becky:

Because my partner has his own business, he was from quite early on, he would often go to work for an hour or two and I would be left looking after his son. I don't think at this point his ex even knew I existed, which at the time to me it was like it's fine, I'm just looking after this little boy who I'm around all the time, but don't see the problem. And my friends and family had concerns about that that they actually raised with me and said, you know, hang on, this isn't your child. He's very young. Uh, your partner shouldn't be leaving you with that responsibility. If something happens to that child in your care, not sure that the ex doesn't even know you exist, like how how does this dynamic work? Should it it doesn't sit right? I had those challenges from family and friends, and to me, I was always kind of like, no, this is fine. But actually, since having children of my own, I now see that wow, I would go crazy if I found out some strange woman was looking after my children when I didn't even know they existed.

Katie South:

And it's really interesting that you kind of even describe yourself as some strange woman. Yeah, well, because it it's funny, isn't it? And maybe it's because he was so young that you felt more like that. Because there is a point where you sort of think, actually, and I and I talk to a lot of women about it, you know, when the child is with the dad, the dad's decision is final, kind of. So whoever he wants to look after the child is final. But then I also hear a lot of women say, Well, hang on a minute, I want to know who my kid's with, particularly if they're a young kid. So it's really interesting how you see it through different eyes. Now you've got biological children.

Becky:

Definitely. And I think part of that is because how soon after I met my partner that I was I was having my stepson on his his own, that was kind of what my the concerns were with my family and friends. Well, you are still kind of a stranger to him because you haven't long known your partner, so you're a stranger to him, and also you're a stranger to this little boy who obviously he's gonna trust you because he sees that daddy trusts you, so why would he not?

Katie South:

But so what happened? Did you raise it with him?

Becky:

Um no, I just because in my head I didn't see that I didn't think anything was wrong. I just thought it was kind of how how we were, and I loved looking after my stepson. I've always had quite a good relationship with him from an early age. I thought he's safe with me. I knew I wasn't gonna do anything, so uh you know, we'll come, I'll come on later to um the ex. But she, you know, it was it was his place to tell her about me, not my place to make it known that I existed. Yeah. Put the onus back on him a little bit to say, well, it's your child, it's your responsibility to make those calls.

Katie South:

And notice you said you had a really good relationship with your stepson, and I guess I can sort of see from your face that that's possibly still the case.

Becky:

Uh we do, we do have a very good relationship. Uh we bicker a lot, and from uh sort of experience of speaking to other stepmums, I I am quite lucky in the relationship I have with him. Um, I think a lot of that comes down to the role I play in his life, in the sense that I probably take more control over his sort of activities and education and things like that than his own mum perhaps does. So because of that, I think I almost am entitled to have a bit more of a say in how how his behaviour is or what he does and the rules he has. Maybe not entitled, that might not be the right word, but I I have a a say in what he does because of everything that I kind of am involved in with him. And it's always been the case that because he's been around since such a young age, he now doesn't know any different. And if I didn't treat him that way, I think he would now find it strange that I'd changed. So he is only seven.

Katie South:

Let's see what the future holds in that respect. And you mentioned that you do all his kind of booking of his clubs and all those types of things. So, what's the score with um his biological mum?

Becky:

So the his biological mum, uh, just to give a bit of background, we live very different lives in the sense of my partner and I live a very family life. We go to work, we come home, we do things as a family at weekends. My stepson's mother is much more of a, she doesn't work, she lives at home with her parents and her brother. They live in quite a big house and have a lot of money coming in from grandad, who brings a lot of money into the house. Um, don't sort of ever really need to want for much because they've got everything they ever want paid for, and just have different values to life. So life is a bit more of a party in comparison to what we would perhaps do at a weekend, for example. So, in that respect, it's very different, it's a very different setup. We have quite strict rules around bedtime, around doing homework, and even before my stepson started school, it was things like setting routines, setting boundaries that were not mirrored at his mum's house, which has probably been one of my biggest challenges ever, to be honest.

Katie South:

And you mentioned that his mum lives at home with her parents.

Becky:

So, do you mind me asking how old so she said for she did move out briefly and live on her own with my stepson and she also has an older child as well, but quickly realized that life was much easier living at home with mum and dad when they paid for everything and move back home. So she's just always lived at home with them, which is quite difficult because my stepson will often ask me, Why don't we live with nanny and grandad? Why do I live with nanny and granddad at mummies, but not here? And it's trying to explain to him that although it's nice, generally people don't tend to live with their grandparents that often. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not the norm kind of thing. So, whereas to explain that to him is quite difficult, he just thinks it's really strange that we don't live in this massive house with all of our family together. So he often asks, why can't we all live in one big house? Wow, that's saying together, and that's yeah, wow.

Katie South:

Um that's a reality TV show, I think I would tune into.

Becky:

Definitely. So, yeah, so it it's the innocent things that children say sometimes that make you really realise wow, you that is how the you see the world through your eyes, that we should all just love each other and live together, and why can't we?

Katie South:

And you mentioned as well it being difficult in terms of like the differing values between your houses. So, how does that affect daily life and how does it show up in your relationship with your stepson?

Becky:

Just for an example, bedtime routines. We have quite a strict bedtime routine of we kind of follow the five, six, seven, so dinner at five, bath at six, bed at seven. Um, and the same since I've had my biological children, we try and follow that same routine for them because I think it's good. Children thrive on routine. At his mum's, he sleeps in mum's bed, goes to bed when he wants, has the iPad all night, that kind of thing. So completely different setup. It does make it a challenge that because 50% of his time he's there and 50% of his time is here, he's like two different people. Life's hard enough as a seven-year-old and as a young child sort of growing up in two houses to then have to deal with those kind of things.

Katie South:

So, do you find when he's like transitioning between houses that you're almost have to reset, does he come back to you a different child to the child that left?

Becky:

Yes, definitely. So we have what we call a transition period during school time, that is at school. He will be dropped to school by his mum on a certain day, and then we will pick him up after school. So his transition is at school. When we have him in school holidays, or for example, during lockdown, when there was nowhere else to go, it was just one house to the other. We have now have got to a point where we're like, right, just take an hour, go and read a book, play a game, just have a time out just to adjust adjust to where you are. And we have like a little saying in our house which is like, remember where you are now. It's not a sort of a telling off, it's just uh remember your manners, remember your tone of language, remember the way you speak to people, because we don't speak to each other like that in this house, which is it's just different. But I don't want my biological children hearing sometimes the tone of voice that's used from him and thinking that that's okay. We have a transition period, if you like, where we make allowances for certain behaviours and things.

Katie South:

I love that phrase, like remember where you are now. How does he respond to that? Initially, it was like, well, I say I do that at mums, why can't I do that here?

Becky:

Which I think is probably a quite common phrase for stepchildren to use.

Katie South:

I I would say for people who are listening, that was accompanied with quite the sassy shoulder shrug. The attitude, yeah, definitely.

Becky:

We do we do kind of get that thrown back quite a few times. But my husband and I have very strong feelings towards you never say anything bad about the other house because that is still his home and it's still his family to each other. Obviously, we can, but to him, we always just say, people choose to make different decisions in life, people live different ways, there's not a right or a wrong, but we've decided in this house we don't speak to each other like that, we don't do this, you know, we don't answer back, we don't have attitudes. So if you could leave that at the door, that's that that's what we're gonna do. And actually, when he when we first started saying to him, we did get a bit of a pushback to say, well, if mum lets me do it, I'm doing it. But I think now, again, where it was embedded so young, I think we now have kind of overcome the difficult period of yeah, transition, if you like, although we haven't hit the preteens or the teenage years yet.

Katie South:

So yeah, but you know, I do hear what you're saying about getting those things in place early and him even being really familiar with you guys going, remember where you are now. And I think the way that you've expressed it in terms of and and I used to say the same, you know, different families have different rules, and that's okay. And when you've got your own house, you can have your own rules, and that's also okay. And you know, I used to say that, and I would hear my mum in the back of my head who used to say to me, When you've got your own house, you can have I do think it's important for children to know that, and really good for you to feel that actually you're confident in your own home, setting your own boundaries because you know, a lot of the women who I work with in coaching situations will be in a place where they want certain boundaries, rules in their house and they don't have the support of their partner. So have you always found yourself on the same page as your partner? No, not always at all.

Becky:

I think for a lot of things, for example, the iPad. I know that a lot of people will use the iPad as a tool of distraction or entertainment for children. You know, I grew up in quite a strict family whereby something like that was a privilege. You had to earn it, you had to earn it by doing chores or homework or good behaviour. Whereas my stepson gets the iPad whenever he wants it, his mum's, and from a young age, my husband agreed, sort of said, Well, he can have it here then, because he didn't want to look like the bad parent. And a lot of our conflict between myself and my partner is him wanting to keep my stepson happy here, so he wants to be here, and me saying, Well, hang on, I'm not actually prepared to drop my rules and my boundaries just because they do a certain thing, and you want him to be able to do the same. So that's where we have a lot of our conflict on things like homework, reading after school, the iPad, bedtimes. Bedtimes actually, we are quite on the same page about, but certainly other things there are definitely boundaries that I've set that my husband might not necessarily be too happy with. And I am aware of times when I'm not here where those boundaries will just be thrown out the window to try and keep him happy.

Katie South:

So when you're in a situation where you disagree on those things, it sounds like you've managed to ensure that what you want to happen in the home happens at least while you're in it. Is that fair?

Becky:

Yeah, so I think while I especially while my biological children are around, and even though they're still very young, I want them to see that that is how we live our lives in this house because I don't think we should make exceptions for my stepson for when he's here. If those are the rules that we're gonna have in the house, then they need to see that. I mean, I'm not talking anything crazy strict, but just things like the iPad, for example, and a bedtime routine that are really important to me. By having that conversation with my partner, I sort of said, look, I'm not asking you to change the world, I just want you to stick to these set boundaries that I'd like to have in place. When I'm not here, and if those get broken, then I'm I'm not here. But I'd like to think that the routine kind of stays the same. And I do it for the benefit of everyone, I don't do it for my own benefit, if you like. So I try and sort of make my partner see that. And I think he does really appreciate that I don't do it to be the horrible wicked stepmum that has all these rules about homework, and which I probably do come across like sometimes, but actually I'm just trying to help. But that's a real challenge in itself to embed that with my biological children as much as stepchildren.

Katie South:

So and how old are your biological children? So my eldest daughter's two and a half, and my youngest is six months.

Becky:

They're still really young.

Katie South:

And how did your stepson take to them when they came along?

Becky:

Interestingly enough, my eldest daughter was born during lockdown, so he was actually at home being homeschooled quite a lot. I think he really took well to having a sibling in this house because it's always he's always had a sibling at his mum's. He's got an older sister there. So when we had a baby, I think initially it was really exciting to have this baby around. And to begin with, my partner did overcompensate a lot with my stepson to say, Look, you're still loved, you haven't been replaced, you know. And you know, I kind of understood why he did that. My stepson really, really dotes on his sister, which is really lovely. When I gave birth to my second daughter the middle of last year, it changed ever so slightly because the dynamic of the family changed. So it was always the boys and the girls. So it was my partner and my stepson, and then myself and my daughter, and it was the boys and the girls. And naturally, as a mother of a younger child, you spend the majority of your time with the baby. Whereas when my second daughter came along, you've then got three children and two parents, and the dynamics have changed. And to be truthful, we're still trying to find our feet now with that because it is quite a challenge. That when my stepson comes sometimes, I think he wants all the attention on him because he's not been here and he wants to say, Hello, I'm here, like, don't forget about me. And my two younger daughters, obviously being the ages they are, still really need their parents. So yeah, we're still trying to find our feet with that, and I'm finding that quite a challenge sometimes, actually, to find that dynamic of how do we make this work with three children and two adults.

Katie South:

It is really hard. I mean, I I remember when our two little ones came along with 17-month gap, just feeling like incredibly guilty because I was desperate to like play a board game with my older son and my stepdaughters and just kind of talk to them and have that time. But there was always somebody like hanging off me or crying or needing a nappy change or this. And as you say, you can't say, Well, sit in your pooy nappy for an hour playing Monopoly or whatever, it has to be done. And and then you wonder, well, actually, am I creating the story that the big children are finding it hard or or are they finding it hard? And it it's it's so difficult to wade your way through it and work out what is really going on.

Becky:

Yeah, I think I find it difficult with my stepson that he actually made a comment to me yesterday where he said, Why do you not do anything with me anymore? You spend all your time with the girls, why do you not do anything with me anymore? And I used to take him to a private tutor and I used to take him to swimming, and that was our after school activities, and then the private tutor finished because he didn't need it anymore, and then the swimming lessons finished because he it was fully, but that's something I've done with him since he was two years old, and he's just completed his course, so he doesn't need to do that anymore. But actually, to him, he sees that that I don't have time for him anymore, and that really made me realise yesterday that I actually don't spend any quality time with him anymore, since my daughters have come along, and it's difficult because I'm torn between the guilt of I want to spend time with him because he did used to have our full attention when he was here, and my biological children need me, and I'm their mum, and that that that that's where my time should be spent now. And every second I have free, I want to spend with them. So it's not that he's second best to them, but they are my they're my world at the end at the moment because they're so young, they're so dependent, and you know, it's I don't I don't feel like I don't give him my time, I just don't have as much available time to give him because of the other two. So it's a real tricky situation where I don't want to treat him any different, but at the same time, because he's older and is more self-sufficient, I feel like they need me more.

Katie South:

I'm interested to know if you feel any different towards him since you've had biological children.

Becky:

I definitely feel more protective of my biological children. Um, whether that's because they're younger or because they are my children, um I don't quite know. Uh my feelings are definitely different, and I know that there's certain things that I know I have control over with the girls that I don't have control over with my stepson in terms of the way he is about certain things and the way he he sees that certain things. I love that they're mine and I love that they're here all the time, they're part of my household all the time. And I don't love my stepson any different to what I did, but I don't I don't think the love's quite the same for a biological child to a stepchild. I can't really it's hard to put into words, I guess, the feelings of just maternal protection over the girls. And I don't know whether it's because they're younger or because they're mine, but there's more of a pull towards them, which I then feel guilty for because I feel like I shouldn't feel any different towards them than I do him.

Katie South:

And that's biology, so it's perfectly normal, and there's been tons of research, which is really interesting, around actually people's relationships will or people will feel a stronger connection to people who they're genetically related to. Even if you've grown up with somebody your whole life, there is still something about biology that pulls you towards somebody. And I'm not, you know, I know there'll be people listening who have amazing relationships with their stepchildren, and there'll probably be people listening who do feel the same, and that's great. And there's not any part of me that's trying to like devalue the relationship of a stepmother and a stepchild, it's more for those women who have biological children and stepchildren to say, Do you know what it's okay to feel different?

Becky:

Yeah, I but I I struggle with it because I don't to me, I don't feel like I should feel different. And my partner's always been you treat them exactly the same, you love them the same, because to him they're all his children. So he does treat them the same and love them the same, and he expects the same from me. So I think sometimes I feel sort of put a lot of pressure on myself to feel like I should be feeling that way, and I should be treating him the same, and I should be looking at him the same as I do the girls, and I I I feel that pressure quite a lot sometimes, but but then when something happens, for example, and all of a sudden I'm just the stepmom, and I'm like, but you want me to treat them treat him the same and love him the same and be the same, but then when something happens that you want to call the shots on because he's your son, how how does that work? So yeah, that I that's probably one of my biggest struggles is where what do you want from me in terms of do you want me to give him everything and treat him exactly the same, or do you want me to be a stepmum, love him the way that I do, do everything that I do, but actually you still get the final say.

Katie South:

So yeah, it's really difficult. And like I remember talking about this with a lady I was chatting to not so long ago, and sort of saying she was having a similar thing go on actually, and she went home after our conversation and said to her husband, Do you expect your son to love me in the same way that he loves his mum? And the husband was like, Well, no, it's different. And she's like, Well, there you go.

Becky:

Yeah, that's quite a good way to put it, actually. Yeah.

Katie South:

Because we all, as step mums, know that we don't want to replace biological mums, and we know that it's good for them to have a healthy, loving relationship with mum and a good relationship with stepmum. So the two can exist.

Becky:

We do have different roles in my stepson's life. Myself and his mum have very different roles in his life, and I think he comes to us with different things and he expects different things from us, which kind of works in a way, I guess. For example, if my stepson gets set a piece of homework and he's at his mum's for the weekend and it's her weekend and he's with her, uh, she will maybe message me and say, Are you happy for me to do this piece of homework with him? And I think a lot of that comes down to the fact that she knows that I do the majority of his schoolwork with him, I do the majority of his homework, the private tutor, it's just more my field, if you like, for helping him. And it's something that I've always felt really passionate about to support him in his education. I think she feels quite strongly that if she she might be treading on my toes, if you like, if she were to do something like that with him, which is a really strange thing because as his mum, it should be her place. But the relationship between myself and her has grown quite a lot over the last six years. And she relies on me to help with things like that. And I leave certain things like if there's a new game that he wants to play or he wants to go and do, I don't know, go ape or something like that. I sort of say, well, that's something that mummy would probably really like to do with you. So why don't you do that with mummy kind of thing? And trying to, we kind of have our own balance of what we like to do with him. I think you know, we're just different people and we have different views on what is right and what is wrong for a child. I really struggle with the fact that he has two different lives because coming from a split family myself, I never felt like that at all. And I don't want him to feel like that, but I'm not willing to compromise the way I want my family to be to allow for how they choose to live. Financially is the main sort of drive for that, into uh like the financial position, given that they have no qualms about spending money on anything. So if he threw his switch on the floor in a fit of rage, he'd just be bought a new switch, for example. Whereas to us that would be unheard of. So it's just completely different, a completely different way of life and a completely different way of learning sort of the values of if you want something, you have to earn it.

Katie South:

It's fascinating how you were saying the dynamic works between his mum and you, and she's kind of worried about treading on your toes because we normally feel it the other way around as stepmums, don't we?

Becky:

Yeah, and I think I think a lot of that is driven from the fact that I, especially in the early years, not so much now, but in the earlier years, she would often phone me on a weekend and say, Can you have him this weekend? I want to go up to London, I want to go to a party, I want to go here, I want to do this, I want to go away on a girls' weekend. And I would always say yes, because in my head, I was like, Well, this little boy just wants, you know, he just wants a normal, stable family. And we could offer the stability that she couldn't. And I think I I basically made her life easier because I did everything that was expected of her as a mum, but she still got the mum title, and I think even now that still applies that, well, if you're gonna do the homework with him, that's the hard bit, that's the boring bit. Like I want to be the fun mum, so you take accountability for that and you do that, and I'll I'll do the fun stuff kind of thing.

Katie South:

So how do you feel about that?

Becky:

Yeah, it's difficult, but I guess I look at it from the perspective of I want my biological children to grow up knowing that I did the best for them, and for my stepson, I know that maybe I look too far ahead, but I think long term what I'm doing will help him and will benefit him. And as if he's gonna be part of our family, which of course he is, and because he's here so much, if I invest my time in him, it will pay dividends. So, yeah, maybe I've made my life really difficult for no reason, and I take on things that I shouldn't do for no reason, but it's kind of we've naturally fallen into this pattern of and things like that with him, and you know, she does sort of the the more fun stuff with him, if you like, and it it works. So, you know, we're we're completely different people. I still obviously do fun things, we still do a lot of fun things at weekends, and weekends are family time, we do a lot as a family, whereas you know, the dynamics are slightly different on the other side.

Katie South:

So, yeah, and it sounds like a lot of what we talk about causing a lot of anxiety for stepmums is. That ambiguity around well, what's their role? So it sounds like you've kind of got that sorted in a lot of ways.

Becky:

Yeah, I think because and I still believe a lot of it is because he's so young. And I do worry about one of my biggest anxieties, is as he gets older and says, Well, mum's gonna let me stay up on the iPad, I'm gonna go and stay at mum's. I don't want to come to yours this weekend, I want to stay at mum's, and I know that's gonna have real impacts on our family, uh, especially where my two biological children are so much younger, they are still gonna want to do much younger things, if you like, like go to the park and things like that. And whereas my stepsons, as he gets older, will want more independence, and we don't live overly close to his school, so is he gonna want to spend more time with his friends? And that's what I think is gonna be our challenge of how he grows as a person and then sees, well, life at mum's is way easier, so I want to be there. But my kind of thought process is I'm hoping that he will still appreciate what he has here, and you know, uh it will pay dividends in the long run that you know he's got some stability, he's got some routine, and he's got you know a family set up here with us.

Katie South:

I know with my son, he has no other children at his dad's house, and obviously little ones here and stepsisters who are sometimes here as well. And I I know he finds his little siblings annoying sometimes. That's normal he'd feel like that if he was here 100% of the time. But I also know he really feels like this is a real family home and he loves playing games with them, and he's about to be a teenager and he's still building dens and playing hide and seek and doing all that with them, and it's just lovely. So I I sometimes think actually they, you know, they get the best of both worlds in that way. And if you've got a relationship where you're not having the houses sort of undermining each other, so yes, we understand that you know she can buy him a Nintendo Switch if he drops one, but as long as she's not kind of saying, Oh what, dad and Becky didn't buy you this, then you're gonna be okay.

Becky:

We have had a few comments made like that. It was at Christmas time, actually, where uh my stepson said, Oh, I can't wait to go back to mum's because I get way better presence there. And then yeah, and we were like, Okay, how to tackle that, I just don't know yet.

Katie South:

I think sometimes kids that age say things and they don't realize that they're hurtful, they don't they're trying to be funny or they just and things come out. I have it with my six-year-old. Sometimes he'll say things and I'll say, Look, the way you're talking to mummy's really, really rude, and he'll be like, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just joking, and then look really sad, and you kind of have to say no, like and just teach them.

Becky:

And I guess from that point of view, I do envy her in some ways, in the sense that she has this kind of carefree lifestyle where someone else is bringing up her children in the terms of like the boring stuff, if you like, the discipline, the education, that kind of thing. And she gets to do all the fun stuff, doesn't work, lives at home with mum and dad, gets holidays paid for, left, right, and centre. And then I'm here thinking, well, we're, you know, doing our best to get by and provide a good, loving, supportive family home. And what's it all for if he's not going to appreciate it? So I think the underappreciation is what really gets to me. That's my kind of Achilles heel of why can't you just appreciate what you've got here? Because then I what I don't want in over time is for my daughters to then grow up and hear him saying, Oh, well, I get better presents at mummies. And then they kind of expect, well, why don't we go? Why don't we get to go and get better presents elsewhere? Why do we only get this kind of thing? And don't get me wrong, it's not like they don't get anything good here. It's just they get what a normally a normal household would give for Christmas, not I don't know, a PlayStation 5, a Nintendo Switch, an Xbox, and a TV all in one. Wow. So yeah, that's the just it's just the kind of yeah, it's a different kind of love, I guess.

Katie South:

And that's gotta be hard for you, but you know, I do think we've had it. I mean, we don't have that level of extreme gifting, but I have had my biological son say to me about his quote unquote half-brother, because we don't use that term, and quote unquote half-sister. I have had him say to me, but hang on a minute, they get presents here, and they also get presents at you know, insert other parents' names house. And I've just kind of said, Yeah, and that that's just how it is. And they're like, Well, that's not fair, and because obviously I don't buy my biological kids twice as many presents as you can't do my kids, so so it's just kind of like, Oh, that that's just one of those things, and it's and it's hard, and I can see from their faces, they're thinking, and I I remember once saying, Oh, but it, you know, it's hard for them as well because their mum and dad don't live in the same house. And my son's like, Well, I think that's really nice because I get really bored living in the same house all the time. I'm like, okay, cheers, but you know, out of the mouth of babes and all, not always as easy as we think it's gonna be. So you've talked a bit about what some of your worries for the future are. What about your hopes for the future?

Becky:

I feel like we've really settled now, and I think I heard something a while ago that said becoming a stepparent can take between four and seven years to really settle into your role. And I do feel like I've established my role now as a step parent, and you know, there's certain things I would change, there's certain things I'd do differently if I could do again, but on the whole, I think we're doing okay as a household. Um, so my hopes for the future, I guess, is just for I just want him to turn out to be a nice little boy, and I don't want him to ever resent me in any way for what I've tried to do because I'm trying to do what's best for him, and I just hope that he appreciates that. You know, I'm not perfect and I've not done things perfectly, but I've done the best that I can in the way of how I would have done if he was my own biological child, and I really want my biological children to see that as well. That I never actually treated him any differently. Before you were born, I treated him the way I'm treating you, and because I want us to be a family, we are a family of five, and when we're not here, I do feel that he's not around, and you know, we notice the dynamic changes, but sometimes it's nice that he's not around and I can focus solely on the girls, and that's nice, but for the future, I guess I just want to feel more settled, and I'd really like for his mum to be a bit more on board with him as a person in terms of his interests, his education, his in like all the after-school clubs he wants to do. He'll only do on days he's at our house because she won't take him. And I just wish he could be a bit more on board with what's best for him because that would make my life easier. But I'm quite a stubborn person in the sense of if I want to do something for him, I will do that for him. And my partner's quite supportive of me. He has very high expectations of what he wants me to achieve as a stepmum. Again, he doesn't know any different because he just thinks, well, you're a great mum to him. Why would you be any different? You know, on Mother's Day, he always treats me as he does his mum. So he would always get me flowers and things on Mother's Day, which is really nice. I guess I just don't want to feel resented.

Katie South:

I'm confident from what you've said that your stepson's gonna be able to and probably still sees now all the things that you do for him, and as you as he grows older, he'll be able to see them even more. So it sounds like you're doing a an amazing job. Watch out on your partner having those high standards for you. Keep an eye on that one.

Becky:

Yeah, that is difficult, and I think sometimes he just because he sees us as a family of five, he just sees that my stepson's just not here all the time. That is the only difference. There's no difference in his parenting, there's no difference in him having a mum elsewhere, because I think, quite frankly, to my partner, his ex-wife doesn't exist, so he just sees it as his his son goes somewhere for a few days and then comes back. Whereas to me, it's very much we have our family of four dynamic and then we have our family of five dynamic, and I love both dynamics, but it's just sort of how I then have to change between the two.

Katie South:

Yeah, I hear you on that. I definitely feel the same about switching between having two kids or four kids or five kids or three kids, you know, whatever it might be, and and the and the differences that brings you. But look, Becky, it's been so nice to talk to you. Thank you so much for giving your time and advice and wisdom. And I think your stepson's so lucky to have you, so I hope you feel that. Yeah, thank you.

Becky:

Thank you, family. It's been nice to uh talk to you.

Katie South:

Wow, such a lot in there to take away. I hope you enjoyed the conversation. I really, really admire Becky for staying true to the type of parent she wants to be and for not getting embroiled in a popularity contest between the ex and her partner, which is something I hear many, many stepmums stuck in the middle of. So thank you again, Becky. I loved chatting with you. That's it for this week, then folks. Um I've had a lot of messages this week about when the next workshop is, so I am going to be running some soon, and my wait list is almost full. So whatever you do, do not miss out. Head to www.stepmumspace.com forward slash workshops. Get yourself registered for free so when dates are released, you are first in line. And if you want to find out more about my coaching programmes and how I help women transform their stepmum life, there is plenty more detail on the website, or you can email me through stepmumspace.com or on Instagram at stepmum space. And of course, if you've got a story to share, please do let me know. I am so so grateful to the wonderful women who put themselves out there to help others. Finally, if you have enjoyed the show, please do rate and review as it really helps other women find us. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. See you next time.

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Katie South

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