Stepmum Space

Episode 34: “I Didn’t Get a Say in My Stepdaughter Coming to Live With Us”

• Katie Harrison • Season 5 • Episode 2

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Support, tools & coaching for stepmums: https://stepmumspace.com

In this episode, Katie speaks with Hayley — a bio mum, stepmum and all-round supermum — about the huge emotional and practical shift that comes when stepfamily life suddenly becomes full-time.

Hayley went from a simple, steady life as a single mum of two… to navigating the layered, unpredictable realities of blending families. When her eldest stepdaughter came to live with them full-time, everything changed — and Hayley had no real say in the decision.

She opens up about:

  • the shock of having her home dynamic change overnight
  • the challenges her children and stepchildren faced adjusting
  • the strain of trying to build a relationship with a stepdaughter who didn’t want her there
  • feeling like an outsider in her own home
  • the guilt, resentment and exhaustion that built up silently
  • the toll on her mental health and how stepmum anxiety showed up for her

Katie and Hayley also talk honestly about the importance of mental health, emotional boundaries and finding your footing again when you feel overwhelmed, unheard or out of control.

This is a validating, compassionate episode for any stepmum who’s ever thought:
 “I didn’t choose this part… but I’m the one holding it all.”

If You Need Support
Book a free intro coaching call: https://stepmumspace.com/booking

Find tools & workshops: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace

Keywords: stepdaughter moving in, no say as a stepmum, overwhelmed stepmum, stepmum anxiety, bio mum and stepmum, stepmum support, struggling stepmum, full-time stepmum challenges, blended family adjustment, stepmum podcast

You deserve support, clarity and a voice in your own home — and you’re not alone.

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Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone, where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. Now I hope you've all had a good week. Mine has been hectic with a lot going on, but really really good. I'm loving all the chat about the new series and the messages from all of our wonderful new Stepmum's faces. The podcast is now reaching women in 75 countries across the world. So wherever you're listening, from Finland to the Philippines, Spain to Sweden, a big hello from me and thank you so much for being here. I really, really hope Stepmum's face is providing you with a safe space to listen and a space to be heard. My guest today is Hailey, who's a bio mum and a stepmum. Hailey is a bit of a Wonder Woman with a lot of spinning plates. In this chat we talk about all sorts, from rude stepkids to high expectations from partners to feeling like you just can't do the stepmum thing anymore and feeling like you failed your stepkids. We also talk about focusing on yourself and your own personal development. Now this is something I'm super passionate about, and one of the reasons why I love coaching and running the stepmum space workshops. There's no space left on the June workshops, but we do have some space left for Friday, 19th of May, half 9 till 12 30 GMT on Zoom. The workshop is packed with individual and group exercises and conversation, all designed to help you navigate some of the most common stepfamily issues, including boundaries, feeling out of control, stepmum anxiety, and how to get more of what's important to you into your life. There's more information about the workshops at www.stepmum space.com/slash workshops. Now, before we get into this episode, just a note that there is some chat about domestic violence during the conversation. Here's Hayley. So Hayley, welcome to Stepmum Space. I'm so happy to have you here today. Hello, it's good to be here. How's the week going? Yeah, not too bad. So, as we always do at the beginning of the show, why don't you tell us a little bit about your family and what brought you to get in touch with me?

Hayley:

I met my partner five years ago. I were had two children when I met him, and he has three children. So we're a big blended family, um, which is sometimes great fun, sometimes not so much. I can imagine booking holidays is a challenge with that many people, but actually we've done sort of like uh because of COVID and things like that, we've only really done caravan holidays, and this year we're going on our first family holiday to Turkey. So yeah, big, big numbers. Yeah, I actually got introduced to you from a friend. Um, one of my friends has recently become a stepmom, a lot more recent than me, and she sort of was like talking about it. And so I thought, oh, you know what, I'll give it a listen. And I was like, oh my god, just that feeling of clarity, of being justified, of just feeling like, oh my god, somebody else gets it. And the more I listen to stories, the more I just want to jump in and talk and have a conversation with that person. So I thought, well, why not do it myself?

Katie South:

I have like a little lump in my throat when you saw that. Um, but I'm so appreciative of you reaching out because obviously we can only make the show if people want to speak on the show. And I've been so lucky that people do, and I think that feeling of you know, it's so common. Most of the messages I get start with, thank God it's not just me, you know. Thank God I'm not the only person who feels like this in the world, and thank God it doesn't make me awful.

Hayley:

Thank God there's a way out, and it's it's that feeling of like, am I a bad person? And yeah, is the way I feel, you know, am I wrong for how I feel? And I think it's just hearing people say the same sort of things, and you know, sometimes there's been a few comments that people have made that have made me check myself and think, oh, hang on a moment, I didn't look at it from that point of view. So it's sort of made me change how I deal with certain things as well, so it's been positive.

Katie South:

Oh, that's good. And has the impact of those changes been positive for you and your family?

Hayley:

Sometimes, yeah. I think it's been more positive for my relationship with one of my stepchildren, although she may not possibly think that.

Katie South:

It's always complicated, isn't it?

Hayley:

Yeah.

Katie South:

So your partner's got three kids and you've got two. How old are they?

Hayley:

My two are 16 and 14, and then his are 15, 11, and 7. His youngest was 18 months old when we first got introduced. So she's um she's the easy one. It's the three girls in the middle that are the challenge, including my own.

Katie South:

Okay, so 11, 14, and 15-year-old girls. Oh, that's a whole lot of hormones. That is a whole lot of hormones. So tell us a bit about your journey over the last five years then.

Hayley:

So it's been very rocky, very up and down to start with. When I first got introduced to my partner, um, I was a single mum, and my children haven't seen their dad since 2015. So he's not had any involvement with them at all. So I was very much, you know, it was me and my little trio, that's what we called ourselves, and life was pretty easy, you know. Single mum was fine, and we had our own little way that our household worked. And I had no intention of meeting anybody. I didn't want to meet anyone with children. I didn't want to, I was quite all right with just us three. But I met my partner for a friend. I straight away just felt like he was a good person, but he think the situation with his ex was still a bit messy. They'd separated, I think, just over six months prior to us meeting, and the whole arrangement with the children wasn't sorted out, it was really messy. So we dated for a little bit, and then we just sort of said, like, no, he had to go sort out his situation. Um, and then a couple of months after that, he was like, right, can I take you out on a date? And I was like, is it all sorted out yet? And he was like, Yep, and true to words, he'd, you know, there was an arrangement in place. So we started dating again. I think it wasn't until we'd known each other for about a year that we decided maybe we need to sort of meet the children. My kids knew about him, his children didn't know about me. Obviously, mine were in a place where you know, if mum had a partner, it wasn't a problem. His children, I think even though they'd been separated about a year and a half, it was still relatively new for them. So we went ahead. I thought my kids were gonna be absolutely fine. My daughter wasn't. She was very upset about this new guy coming into our household. I thought it was going to be the other way around. I thought my son was going to have a problem with it, and I thought my daughter would be absolutely fine. Um, and it was the complete opposite. And she was quite horrible to him for quite a while, quite rude to him. But she, yeah, she just didn't take to having someone come into our trio and found it a challenge. And he, if he was there, she'd quite often go, you know, why are you sitting there? And and she'd just come out with these comments, and I'd be like mortified. But he took it all in his stride, he took it on the chin, and now they are best friends, and she absolutely adores him. And he's her dad, like she just she gives him more cuddles. If we fall out, she defends him. Yeah, she's totally not on team, mum.

Katie South:

It's funny actually. I often say when my stepdaughter's visiting, I'm like, Yes, I've got backup here. Because otherwise, we're a bit boy heavy, and when she's here, she she, you know, obviously she absolutely adores her dad, but sometimes she'll be like, uh, dad, Katie's right. Yeah, bless.

Hayley:

That's good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I think my the little one, the youngest, she's definitely my team. She'll defend me over dad, but they've all gone through stages where they defend me more, sometimes defend him more. So it is, but yeah.

Katie South:

So with your daughter, like having a struggle adapting to her stepdad, how did you guys navigate that?

Hayley:

I had a few conversations with her, but he was kind of like, let's just give her a moment, like it's all new. They were very used to it being just me. So someone coming along, I think, especially there was domestic abuse with my ex-husband, so I think she still had that little bit of like, well, is this gonna be a nice man? You know, so I had to be very mindful of what my children had gone through, um, and just check in. And he was fine with that, he was really good about it. It it just fizzled out in the end. So, yeah. And what about on his side with his kids? So when we first met with his children, they was like absolutely fine. They was completely cool about it, really excited about it. We kind of introduced them. We we met with his family, his whole family in a pub garden. So they had their relatives there. So it wasn't like it was just this new person, and it was we it wasn't intensified on like, oh, you're meeting dad's new girlfriend. It was very relaxed, and they was absolutely fine. And then we booked a weekend away to a caravan, and we all went away together, and they absolutely loved it. We had a great time, bonded with the girls, and all was fine until we got home, and then dad got a load of abuse from their mum, yeah, and then she wasn't happy about it. But I you know, we done it the right way, but I think maybe because she didn't know about us for as long as what was happening, maybe it seemed a bit quick for her at the time, but at the same time, you know, they hadn't it wasn't like we jumped straight in, it was she actually ended their relationship, so it was kind of a little bit like, well, you know, what do you what do you want him to do? We went about it the right way.

Katie South:

Yeah, it's always really tricky in that step situation because people normally take a longer time to just grow their relationship between the two of them to make sure it's something serious and worth sharing with the kids, sharing with another that sort of stuff. So then by the time you're right at the beginning of your relationship, as far as everyone else is concerned, you guys are pretty serious about each other. So yeah, exactly. It can feel a bit daunting, I guess, for exes, and probably even if you're over your husband or ex-husband, it's kind of a lot to wrap your head around that you're going to be showing your kids.

Hayley:

Yeah. Yeah. And she just after that, she just didn't want to know. She didn't want to, she, because we went away, I got called lots of really horrible names for being around our children, and it was I wasn't allowed to be in the car if he was picking them up and dropping them off. I weren't allowed to be anywhere near um her house or or anything like that, which you know is fine.

Katie South:

It's not really fine, like it's understandable for someone to say, Do you know what? I'm having a hard time with sharing my kids, but I think you kind of can't dictate who's gonna be in and out of a car.

Hayley:

She would just go mental. It was a challenge, it was really difficult at first. Quite quickly, it became fi things happened. Like my partner would phone me up, and he would be like, Hayley, I need you to take the kids to lunch at school, and I need you to go do this, and I need you to do that. And she struggled with just the whole parenting on her own side of things, and then she met somebody else, and then it became really diff, really difficult. They they were selling their property that they had together, and when she met this guy, she then if they I think they was like really close to completing the sale of the property, it was like two weeks away. Um, he'd moved a lot of stuff into my home and wasn't really living there anymore. So when he was at mine, she went and had the locks changed and called the police and went, then applied for a non-molestation order and occupation order. She now admits that she done that because that's what she was told to do by this new partner, and he was heavily influencing the decisions that she was making. He had her convinced that if she stayed in the flat that the courts would make my partner pay the mortgage and pay for her to live there. And you know, he just he he's not financially able to cover that, so he was never going to be responsible for that. So she done that, they didn't pay the mortgage, it nearly got repossessed, they lot a lot lost a lot of money. All of this was really, really stressful on my partner, which obviously impacts our life because he's so stressed out about it. You know, we had plans for when he got his half of the sale, what we were gonna do going forward. So all of a sudden, all of our fact plans had to change.

Katie South:

Yeah, that's one of the hardest things, isn't it, for Stephanie is that somebody else can make decisions that you have no say on and then it just massively impacts your life. It's hard. Yeah, absolutely.

Hayley:

Because of a court order that she requested as well, contact had to go through me. So he was not allowed to contact her directly or indirectly, and vice versa. So contact went through me, which I found extremely difficult because I'd have anxiety all the time. Over as soon as I saw a message, I'd be like, Oh my god, what is it now? And it was always an abusive message, it was always demanding more money for something, or you know, we used to wake up in the morning and I'd receive a really long message which I know would not be from her, I know it was from him, and it would be the partner, her partner, yeah. Yeah, and it would be all kinds of threats on what he was gonna do to ensure that my partner had to pay more money, and it was just it was just so stressful because you're just constantly you know worrying about what's gonna come out and what's gonna happen next.

Katie South:

And how long did this go on for?

Hayley:

Oh, this went on for a couple of years, they were together for a little while, they had uh another child together.

Katie South:

Um and during that time, what was the relationship like between you and your stepkids and your partner and his kids?

Hayley:

At that time, the the relationship with the children was fine, and they were happy when they were here, they was happy with mum, you know, everything was sort of okay at that point with in regards to inside our family home and the way the children are. As her relationship became worse with her partner, we started to notice notice a change in the children. We received a message one day saying that his eldest had to come live with us after they sold their flat. Mum moved away, so they were an hour's drive away. So she went to live where her partner wanted to live, and they was quite far, which meant the girls had to change their schools. So his eldest was really unhappy at this point. And I don't I think this is one of the things that I think of I failed on is I didn't I didn't think about how life must have been for her. I was just so caught up in how much it was impacting our home in how she was. So she was this become this child that was awful, completely changed the dynamic in our household. She dictated the mood of the household, and all I could think about is oh my god, this child is coming here and changing that the the whole way that we are. She was really rude. Part of me is like, damn it, I I really did foul her a little bit then because that was probably when she may have needed an arm put around her, but she had always kept me at arm's length anyway. She was always the child that was more she's always been mum's best friend, very much mum's mummy's on a pedal stall, mum cannot do no wrong. She was never gonna look at me as I was her stepmum. I'm still to this day dad's girlfriend, so it's still the same.

Katie South:

And you know what? I think it's a really brave omission of you to kind of reflect on that and say that because I think when you're in it, it's so easy to feel like you feel all the physical impacts on yourself, all the emotional impacts, all the anxiety in your chest, all of that. We do think about what the kids are going through as well, but it's very hard to look at some of it separately when you're right in the middle of it. Whereas in hindsight, you can look back and you know what? Like I was saying to my stepdaughter this weekend, oh, there's so much I would do differently if I had my time again. Like, so much, like you can only move forward, and hopefully, kind of having these conversations and making it more kind of acceptable to speak up about some of the difficult things will stop that pressure cooker of things building. Yeah, it's always difficult with a stepdaughter who's mum's best friend.

Hayley:

Because that that's the difficult thing still is at home, they're all mum's little best friends, and then when they come here, there's rules and they go down the pecking order because we're the parents, so this is my home. If you don't like my rules, you know, don't not don't come here, but but so I always think that I've I just expected them to make that switch really easy, and I couldn't understand, you know, why, but they're going home and they live by a different way, very, very different way at home. Whereas here, they you know, they've got you even his youngest, you know, she knows when she comes here that her iPad will be taken off of her at bedtime. She knows that she's gonna go to bed, there's no arguments with it, but at home it's they there's no structure to bedtime, there's no, you know, they don't have that there. And it took a little while to develop that here, and they are better, they're still messy, very messy. But you know, even with her putting her toys away, she doesn't like putting her toys away, she doesn't have to put toys away at home. I say to her now, that's absolutely fine. If you want to get your toys out and you want to leave them everywhere, I really don't mind. But if I have to pick them up, they're going in a bin and I'm putting them in the bin. So now I don't and I say, I don't care if it's not done immaculate, I'll go fix it afterwards, as long as she does it or makes an effort to tidy up. I don't mind. So she's she's very used to that now. So she I'll go, can you go tidy up your toys, please? And she'll look at me, I'll go, Well, it's me or you, and she'll go, okay.

Katie South:

How do you feel about that? Because at the moment, like my two little ones are five and six, and I say things to them that I can recall I used to say to my stepdaughters, and I used to feel really guilty about it and really awful about it. And now I just say it to my, you know, like similar things like that. Like, I'll say to my daughter, if you don't come to the dinner table, that's fine, but I'll throw your dinner in the bin and you won't get anything later. And like, and I and I just say it and I feel fine because I think what's a reasonable request to ask your kid to come to the bin, come to come to the bin, come to the bin. It's a reasonable request to ask your kid to come for dinner or you know, whatever it might be.

Hayley:

I think it's difficult because I think my my partner finds it harder than I do. Um, so even down to you know, his older girls tell us that his youngest is naughty at home and she throws tantrums and you know, she'll scream, and they they've sent us videos of her in complete meltdown mode. When she comes here, as soon as she becomes like that, I'm like, I'm gonna leave you alone now and I'll come back to you, or you come find me when you're done, because I know I'm not gonna get her to stop screaming or crying. She doesn't do it that much here, to be honest, very rarely. But if she does start to kick off about something, I'm very I don't go back on my word on it either. So I'm like, right, this is what it is. So you can either sit here and cry or you can come with me and do it, and that's it. I don't give her too many options or argue with her, I leave her to it. Whereas my partner, he wants to pander to her, he doesn't, you know, so he finds it more challenging and he does he calls me like he'll be like, Oh, you mean here.

Katie South:

I'm like, not mean, not mean. No, because the thing is, you're still saying to her, like, when you're ready to come back, come and give me a cuddle or I used to feel like oh my god, they're gonna hate me, and now I'm I I feel, well, if you hate me, oh well.

Hayley:

Like, I've got over that stage where I'm gonna worry about what they think because I'm me, and I've had conversations with the girls where I say, I know that you don't like that I'm this banshee that's like tidy up, but you have to understand I'm not like your mum. Your mum doesn't mind if somewhere's messy, and that's absolutely fine. That's no judgment on your mum, but I can't cope with it like that. So, for me, when you have all ransacked the house, it physically hurts my brain. So I'm like, I need you to help me tidy up because that's what I need. So I'm not trying to be horrible, I'm just letting you know what I need from all of you, and you're all teenagers, you're you're all getting that age, and also you've got 11, 14, 15, and 16-year-old kids, they make a lot of mess, they need to learn.

Katie South:

Like one of my core beliefs is that a parent's role is to help your child grow into an adult who can live independently.

Hayley:

Yeah, the challenging thing to it though is that their dad is very different. Our biggest argument, he has a higher expectation of what mine are supposed to do around the house as opposed to his. And we argue a lot about that. I think he's quite harsh on my children. And his eldest is because I think of the way she is and the difficulties we've had, it's like she's this princess. So he'll either moan at his two little ones to do things or pick up after themselves, but she doesn't seem to have the same, and then we'll fall out about it, and then he'll go and he'll have a massive go at her. I'm like, I wasn't asking you to have a massive go at her, I'm asking you to be consistent with all of them. It is it's a real challenge. It's a challenge because I think over the years, because I've done so much in terms of I've been the one to do the eye appointments, I've been the one to do the things that they need, I run them here, there, and everywhere. The girls that'll come, we need this, and I need this, and and I'm always the one that puts it in. I mean, we're going on holiday, they all needed new passports. Danny was my partner was like, Can you sort out all the passports? I'm like, Well, yeah, I'll sort mine and my kids out. And he was like, Yeah, but I need you to do the girls. Like, well, where's their mum? And he said, Oh, she's too busy. Or him, yeah. Well, I know he he leaves the house at half four in the morning and doesn't get home till seven o'clock at night. So yeah, it's you, you know, I can't, and he works, he's working weekends as well. I gave him a little bit of leeway, but his ex doesn't work, and the kids are all at school, and I work a full-time job. Sometimes it's frustrating the expect, and they all expect it. Everyone in this household expects me to just be like, Yep, that's clean, that's washed, that's done, that's this. They need this, so I have to go get it. And and I've been putting in some more boundaries because I've started a new venture. So his eldest still lives here 50%, 75% of the time. His 11-year-old she comes and goes as she pleases now as well. So she stays here a couple of nights a week and every other weekend. But it's only his youngest that is still predominantly with mum, and she comes every other weekend. But when they make decisions about the girls, I say to my partner, but you're at work, so you've made a plan that will involve me doing it. So he works Saturdays, there's an arrangement for his youngest to do an activity on a Saturday that requires me to take her, but my children are now older, so I've actually wanted to start a new venture. So I've said, Well, I can't do your daughter anymore, and I'm made to feel really guilty about that. When I say I'm not doing something, I'm made to feel really guilty about it.

Katie South:

By your partner, yeah.

Hayley:

I feel like I'm at this stage where I've been a single mum for a long time, and then I've been a blended mum, or however which way you want to call it, and it's been a really stressful journey. I didn't get a choice in my eldest stepdaughter coming to live with us, even though obviously dad isn't here, so I think she was 12 at the time, so she wouldn't have been able to live with dad had he not been with me. How how did that all happen then? Did you just get told? Mum's partner, who she is no longer with, by the way, he sent me a message saying that she was a danger around the new baby and he didn't want her in the home. We were like, What? She absolutely adores the baby. What are you talking about? And then mum said, She's really unhappy, she needs to come live with you, she needs to go back to her school, and that was it. Decision was made. At this point, me and his his daughter didn't get on at all, not at all. And she came, and every time she spoke to me, it was really, really, really rude. So we'd argue, and then she would phone mum, and then he would get a load of abuse that I'm bullying her daughter. And so that was a challenge. There was a couple of times in which I just thought, I can't do this, I can't live my life like this. I was so stressed out, it was just making me ill. It was horrendous at the time. Looking back, I'm like, I don't actually know how we stay together.

Katie South:

It's funny, isn't it? How you can look back and I remember all those feelings similar, like realizing that you're actually not very well, and it's not just, oh, this is a bit tricky. It's like, no, I'm I'm actually quite unwell because of this situation.

Hayley:

Yeah, it was. It's draining, it was draining, it was so stressful. We were having arguments where I was walking out, and I've never I've never walked out of my home. And I remember going to my best friends and just sobbing, and I just was like, I don't know if I can do this anymore. You have those days where you think pull yourself together, but I think that was another thing at the time where I look back now and I think there was a lot going on at home where she wasn't there anymore. You know, she'd been told she has to come live with us, which I know she did want to go back to her old school, but there was a lot that she was probably worrying about at home that we didn't know was going on, and then she's told to come live here. I have completely different rules, and I don't I don't think I took her feelings into consideration. Well, no, that's a lie. I did. I tried my best to at the time I was thinking I'm just trying to be a mum figure to you, and and you don't want me, and you're throwing it back in my face, and it was that feeling of all I do everything for you, I literally do everything for you. I'm trying to give you a secure, loving home, and you are just horrible to me. And so maybe I was selfish in those thoughts.

Katie South:

That is a very real feeling, and I don't think it's selfish to have those thoughts. A lot of the time when I unpack with the women I work with been coaching, like the emotions that have been going on. A lot of the time, when there's trouble with a stepchild, the emotion right at the bottom that the stepmum's feeling is rejection. Yeah, and it's that. That and it's like, I'm doing everything, I'm trying really hard, and you still don't like me, and then you feel really pissed off about it, and then you start to feel resentful about all the things that you're doing because you're like, I'm trying really hard, and it's like this awful circle, and at the same time, from what I've learned along the way from other families, and maybe my own, is that actually the stepchild's feeling some of the same emotions? Yeah, maybe you're both these two little lost souls, and a lot of the time you need the dad to step in, see and they run away.

Hayley:

He didn't, and and still to this day, our biggest thing is he doesn't back me up enough. So I did there was a point in which I said to him, You leave me to be the disciplinary because you don't know how to do it yourself. So I'm this person that you want to nourish your children, you want me to do all the running around, all the all the things, all the mum things. You know, even now he says, Oh, you do things for your children that you don't do for mine. I'm like, Well, no, they have a mum. I say, You you leave me to be all these different characters. I said, I'm supposed to be the third parent, but I'm not welcome to an opinion as a parent. Um I can run your children around, I can do everything that they need indoors, but then the second something serious comes up, I'm not allowed an opinion, you don't back me up. And actually, I'm always the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. So it's the oh, it's just being a roller coaster. I mean, I know I'm sure every single stepmum out there is like, yes, it's a roller coaster. It really is. It is, I think it's those the different personalities, the different dynamics. We've had times where the children don't get on, times where the children do get on. His eldest is 15 and my daughter is 14. They've had an on-off relationship, and there was a long period where his daughter was quite horrible to my daughter. The only reason I can think is she was jealous of the stability my daughter had. I don't know. I don't, I really don't know what it was. They are thick as thieves now, they are best friends, they miss each other when if my stepdaughter doesn't stay here for a couple of nights, as soon as she gets here, she's straight up to my daughter's room, vice versa. You know, I open the door, I'm like, what is going on? They're like, nothing. I'm like, hmm, whatever. But it's nice because I'm mum, I'm not best friend, so I know that my daughter has a little confidant in whatever's going on. Um, and then I know that my daughter will tell me something if it needs to be told to me, but it's nice that they've now built up that relationship, and then the 11-year-old is she's the sort of one that's left out a little bit at the minute. She's she's not quite old enough for them, but she's too old for the younger one now. And so she's sort of the one that's in the middle, but his his his two, the the 15-year-old and the 11-year-old, they cannot be in the same room together. It's them two now that really they are awful.

Katie South:

So we sort of now we've put a sort of structure in whereby, okay, well, you have that night and that night that you can stay, and you have that night and that night that you can stay, and then their mum isn't dealing with them arguing, and we haven't got them here arguing, so that kind of works a bit better, but I'm just like licky thinking, my gosh, you've you've basically got these five children and a partner who isn't there that much, so you're doing everything, and you've got a full-time job.

Hayley:

Yeah, how how I don't know what it just happens, I don't know. We get through each week. He's amazing, like he is a really, really good dad, and you know, he's on the phone to them in the mornings, he's phoning, checking that they've got up. There's a couple of mornings where I go off and I leave the house early in the morning as well, and they get themselves up, and he's the one that's ringing, checking they're all up. Um, he's very hands-on when the girls are here, even when they're with their mum, he's checking that they're home from school. He's he's a very good dad. So, yeah, as much as he's a pain when it comes to backing me up, he is a very good dad. He is there and he does support. There's good days and there's bad days, and it's it's just hard. It's just hard to sort of it's hard to know whether you're always doing the right thing. Sometimes you feel guilty for the way you feel. I sometimes feel like I can't do it anymore, and have those days where I'm just like, I can't do this. Is this actually what I want? And then you know, we're all sitting around the table one evening laughing and joking, and I'm like, oh my god, this is amazing! Like it's just a journey, I suppose it's a journey that we're gonna continue on, but it is a challenge and it is hard, and I do feel sometimes it's my partner that I'm more annoyed at than his children because he doesn't support the way I feel about things, and then it's an argument.

Katie South:

What would you like more of from him?

Hayley:

I'd like to feel a little bit more appreciated. I don't think he he just sees it as his children can be here whenever they want, and they can absolutely, but he's not here, so he is in the evening, of course, when they're all trooping through the house, uh all come piling through the door one by one at various different times after school, and I'm sitting working, I'm like, Shh, I want to zoom, or you know, they're phoning me up, where are you? What's for dinner? And then I've got to go out and get everybody dinner. I'm the one that comes home, does all the dinner and everything else. It is me that's doing it. I sometimes feel like he doesn't recognise that or doesn't appreciate it, and it's interesting because we've just had Mother's Day, and I'm just dad's girlfriends, I don't get acknowledged, but he doesn't acknowledge me either, which was really interesting. That's fine because I'm not their mum. I have my children, and I just wish that sometimes he would show that he appreciates it. I don't think he does enough, and that's not because he's not a nice person, it's because he's just he doesn't go into that much depth in anything. You know, he's an ostrich, he'd rather just bury his head in the sand and let it all go on around him.

Katie South:

So it's funny you say ostrich because I used to say that to my husband, like you can't ostrich your way out of everything. He absolutely does. It is hard, and I think as well for for so many men in any sort of family, like they don't see everything that we do, like that mental load of like, oh, that person's an on-uniform day, and that person's this and that person's this. And I remember like when I used to, you know, there was one day when my stepdaughter was at our house in the morning, and we I think I was taking her to school that morning, or maybe my husband was, I can't remember. And my son had non-uniform day for like comic relief, and I was like, Oh, have you not got non-uniform day? Because neither her dad nor her mum had said anything, and she was like, No, no, I don't think so. Mum or dad haven't said anything, and I was like, just text a couple of your mates because I was thinking, I can't bear for her turn into a uniform, and it was non-uniform day, and because she'd literally come over that night and she didn't have what she wanted to wear or something, so me and her had to like make an emergency dash to like Tesco to try and find some clothes. So we went and got her like this last minute clothes because I was like, I can't bear, you know, there wasn't I could have just gone, well, sorry, you've got to sort that out, but he had to go to London. I'm like, I'm not sending her to school in her school uniform on non-uniform day, my god. Um, but it's like all the all those little things, and sometimes them the men will say, like, oh, well, I you know, I don't get the school emails. And I'm like, Well, phone up and get on the list, like it's not that hard.

Hayley:

It's the I know I find it a challenge because he doesn't think about how things would impact me, and he doesn't think for him, as long as his girls are okay, which is a fabulous trait, obviously. The way he is as a dad is the thing I love most about him, but it's sometimes to the expense of how I feel. His relationship with his ex is okay. Me and her, we're very amicable. We're we're not best friends and never will be, but we can send each other a message. If I see her, we'll have a chat. His relationship is very much dictated upon whether she wants something and whether she's getting her own way. And then there's things that have happened that aren't don't sit comfortable with me. And she hasn't had a car for a while, and I'm absolutely dreading that she's going to have a car soon because she'll just turn up at our house and send the kids in to get things that they want from our house, even when we're not here, because his daughter's got a key. That doesn't sit with me. It's like it's our home. Like I I know it's their home too, but I, you know, when I come home and your ex-partner's sitting on my driveway, or it you it just and they'll come in and they'll take all the food and and we we buy clothes for them to have here because in the past they haven't been sent with things, and so we just have stuff here, they'll come in and just help themselves to the stuff that we've got here for them, and we never see it again. And there's just been certain situations where he's gone and he's picked them all up and dropped them somewhere. I'm like, I it doesn't sit right with me. And I was going away recently, so he was going to be working the whole weekend. I'd arranged for my daughter to stay with my mum. My son was going to be here, but he's old enough. He phoned up and he said, Oh, the kids are going to be at our house tomorrow. I said, What do you mean? You're you're working and I'm away. Oh, yeah, I know, but um, their mum's going out somewhere, so his eldest was looking after all the other three, including her other child, and they're gonna be at our house. And I just hit the roof and he was like, What's the problem? Uh I said, What do you mean? What's the problem? That's my home, and he's like, But they're my children, they're welcome to come to our house. And I'm I said, But we're not there. And firstly, that shouldn't be her responsibility anyway, his daughter's responsibility to look after all the kids. I said, and secondly, that's my home, and I'm not going to be there. And I it just doesn't sit right with me that they're all there and she's looking after the children in in my home. How did he take to it? So at first, he he was like, I was being horrible, and then he totally made me feel like I was being horrible. So then I flipped it and said, How would you feel if my children saw their dad? That's the problem that I always say to him. You've never had to experience it from the other way around. You don't have to parent my children, I parent them. You don't have to, there's no expectation of you to do anything with my children. If I can't do it, my mum does. And I said, So you've never been let down by my children's dad. You've never had to go through him being abusive towards me. You've never had to see it from the flip side. I said, How would you feel if my children were with their dad and they phoned me up and said, Oh mum, please come and pick us up. And off I trotted to go pick up my children and my ex-partner and drop them somewhere. Or how would you feel if my children were looking after their siblings because they have got siblings and I said, Oh, it's okay, come and look after them in our house while we're not here. He was like, I said, Exactly, I'm gonna leave that with you, and then you tell me what you're going to do. So he changed situation. He does listen, but I sometimes feel like I have to get to that point where I come across like a horrible person because I lose my shit. And I feel like sometimes I have to get to that point, and then I think you're doing that really just because I've kicked off, you've not done it because you thought about me.

Katie South:

And it's exhausting, isn't it? I was working with a woman in coaching the other day, and she was saying, everything has to be a battle, everything has to be a battle. And my partner always says, Why do you make everything a battle? And she's like, But I'm just thinking, I just stick up for myself and I just say, But hang on a minute, I you can't, I'm not like your babysitter. Um she's like, but then if I say anything, I get accused of making things a battle, and it's so it's so so tough. So you're in a situation now where you've got kind of ages seven to 16. What are your hopes for the future?

Hayley:

Um, but it gets easier. I I mean, in general, I feel like we're smooth sailing a little bit. I've taken a step back from being super like the house has to be spotless, and I've kind of give myself a reality check on that. Whilst I'm working full-time and there's five children coming in and out, and a dog, I can't keep on top of it being a show home. I can't. So I've lowered my expectations on myself and sort of given myself uh talking to. I've done a lot of self-development recently um and prioritized myself a lot more um and said no, you know, no, I'm not picking you up, get a bus off, phone your dad. I'll say to my kids or phone him. I'm not doing it if he wants to, then ask him. So I kind of I I I don't know, it's still a challenge. It it is still a challenge. I still I wouldn't say we're out of the woods by any means. My relationship with my eldest stepdaughter is so much better, but we are friends. I always say, I know you hate me, but you know, there you go, you're stuck with me. And she'll laugh. But there are there has been occasions where she slips and you know, she'll I'll go, come here, give me a cuddle. But it is so much better. And she seeks me out as soon as she comes in, she's like, Kate.

Katie South:

I was thinking that. I was thinking she's probably actually wants more of that, but would never tell you that she wants more of that.

Hayley:

No, so she she just doesn't like when I'm in you've got to do something mode. That's still a challenge, but she doesn't speak to me any differently to how she speaks to her dad and her mum. I've heard her speak to her mum, and I'm like that, and I'm like, don't talk to your mum like that. So it's I don't take it personally anymore. It's not about me, I don't think, because I think actually we get on really well, and she does seek me out and chew my ear off as soon as she comes home and wants to tell me all the goss.

Katie South:

And I think half the time that is something that's a really good reminder for us is to say, like, it's not always about us. I do think it is, but absolutely there's so many other things going on in the situation, and particularly with teenage girls, and particularly with how you know whatever's going on in the other house. So it's a lot. I'm so pleased your relationship's improved, and I'm really, really, really grateful to you for getting in touch with me. I feel like we could do a two-part episode here. Oh, I could we could probably do a three-part episode. We might have to talk again, but thank you so much for your time today.

Hayley:

I really do it's nice to sort of say it all and and then say it to somebody who gets it.

Katie South:

Yeah, I mean that is definitely something that is really important is to have like that that person or those people who get it. So definitely. Oh Hayley! I loved talking to Hailey so much, and I hope you enjoyed hearing from her. There was so much I found relatable in her story, and I really hope there was something you could take away too. If you've enjoyed this episode or any other for that matter, please do rate or review the podcast wherever you're listening. It only takes a second and it really really helps other women find us. And don't forget to spread the word by sharing the Stepmum's Face word on your socials. If you're in need of some one to one support yourself, please take a look at the coaching packages on the website stepmomaspace.com. And finally, if you have a story to share, please do get in touch with me via the website or on the socials at Stepmom's Face.

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Katie South

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