Stepmum Space

Episode 39: “My Mental Health Was at an All-Time Low… Had I Made a Mistake Being a Stepmum?”

Share episode

Support, tools & coaching for stepmums: https://stepmumspace.com

In this powerful and vulnerable episode, Katie speaks with Ellie, a stepmum to two boys who had decided she didn’t want biological children of her own — and who found herself questioning everything when stepfamily life took her to breaking point.

Ellie talks openly about:

  • her deep love for the boys
  • the emotional highs and lows of stepmotherhood
  • how conflict and tension with Bio Mum pushed her into some very dark places
  • the moments she wondered whether she could stay in her marriage
  • feeling overwhelmed, invisible, and completely out of control

At her lowest point, Ellie reached out for counselling and coaching — and she shares how both forms of support helped her rebuild her confidence, her resilience, and her sense of self.

She explains how shifting her mindset, strengthening boundaries, and changing the way she and her husband responded to challenging situations didn’t just help her survive — it saved their family.

This is a validating, compassionate conversation for any stepmum who has ever felt like they were losing themselves, questioning their relationship, or wondering whether things could ever feel easier.

If You Need Support
Book a free intro coaching call: https://stepmumspace.com/booking

Find workshops, tools & resources: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace

Keywords: struggling stepmum, stepmum mental health, regret being a stepmum, overwhelmed stepmum, high conflict biomum, stepmum anxiety, stepmum resentment, blended family stress, counselling for stepmums, stepmum podcast, stepmum coaching

You deserve support, clarity and a way forward — and help is available.

Support the show

Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. Now I asked you last week about your summer holiday plans, and as expected, I was inundated with responses. And it is not easy out there in the vanas of Stepmum Land. Jess wrote me to share how she finds holidays more stressful than being at home with nowhere to escape and everyone cranky about the sun and the team and not having a good Wi-Fi. Jess sending you solidarity. Hopefully, you can pop something from somewhere to make it just stay out of your head. Oh, I hate you. And meaning away to me to be a frustration that was a husband and her love trying all sorts of local delicacies when they're bored out such a pizza that they end up with pizza and bag joints all the time coming out totally on that. It's so difficult when food is such a good thing. So, ladies, I feel your frustrations over season can be so, so hard. Don't forget the Stepmond Space Forum is live at stepmanspace.com and you can connect with others in the same boat and share advice and tips or just offload in a judgment-free space. You can find the forum at stepmamspace.com. Now, my guest today is Ellie. Ellie is a stepmum to two young boys, and after a really, really difficult period in her stepmum journey where her mental health was at an all-time low, Ellie made some big adjustments to her mindset, which ultimately turned her situation around and, in her words, saved her family. I hope you enjoy the conversation. Welcome Ellie. I'm really happy to have you here today. How are you doing?

Ellie:

I'm okay. It's a bit rainy, a bit drizzly outside, but uh apparently Sunday's gonna be beautiful and sunny and 19 degrees. So, you know, something to look forward to.

Katie South:

I heard that and I heard Saturday was gonna be nice as well.

Ellie:

Yeah, yeah, which is nice because after the last few weekends being a complete washout, it's just nice to have some sun to look forward to, I think. Get some washing out, all the things you do when you're older and a mum.

Katie South:

Yeah, the glamour. So, Ellie, let's kick off with finding out a little bit more about you and your family.

Ellie:

So I am one of these quote unquote COVID stepmums. Um, I met my husband in July 2020, so just after we came out of lockdown here, we met online and we everything moved quite quickly, um, mostly due to COVID. And we got married one year after we met. Then he's I knew he had two boys right from the beginning. So they are 12 and seven now. And I met them, I guess I think it was November of 2020. So what's that, August, four months after I met their dad, um, which is a little bit sooner than I think we would have done in sort of real life if COVID hadn't happened. But you know, this situation happened, second lockdown was upon us, and we didn't know how long it was going to be. So it was move in or not see you for six weeks. So yeah, so I moved in. We did ask their mum, and because obviously it's quite quick, and she was fine. So yeah, I met them then, and we've had them every other weekend and half just over half of school holidays since then.

Katie South:

I noticed then you said, Oh, we asked their mum whether we could meet them. She said yeah, so we did.

Ellie:

Yeah, it was again, I think like most people going into this situation. I didn't, I knew I was with a man with children, but I didn't really kind of grasp what admin that would mean, like sort of what the reality of that situation would be. Sort of how I didn't think to ask things like what's the history like with her, like what's the relationship, like, how do you organize having the children? I just did it didn't even occur, which now sounds ridiculous, but I just kind of assumed I'd fit in and we'd all crack on and everyone would get on and we'd all be friends, and or maybe not friends, but I just kind of assumed I'd just fit into their arrangements and that would be that. So yeah, he did, he kind of he ran it by her, and I think right from the beginning, he said to me, and again, I don't know this is coming from somebody else, so it's not right from her mouth, but there was sort of talk of before you introduce the kids to anyone, can you just let me know? And can you make sure it's sort of somebody that you're quite serious about, which I think is absolutely fine because I'd want the same kids, you want them to be sort of settled, don't you? So yeah, I mean I didn't think anything of it, and so he ran it past her and said, Look, it's a bit sooner than six months, but this is the situation, so she's gonna be living with me. Is that okay? And the answer is yes. So we just sort of we got on with it.

Katie South:

Yeah, and it's so interesting what you say there about well, I knew we had kids, but I didn't realise the amount of admin this would mean. You know, and I mean that's just the practical stuff, isn't it? You know, we often talk about you can't book a weekend away without a you know, sort of five-stage approval process, or you can't just grab those cheap tickets to a musical that weekend because you might not have them that week, you know, that there's like so many little things. And actually, for the most part, whether you look at it from stepmum's side or bio mum's side, it's sort of understandable because you're just trying to manage double the diaries. So even if you've got a good relationship, it's complex.

Ellie:

Of course, and it's managing, you know, a lot of moving parts, isn't it? So of course that's going to be the case. And physical admin, I I guess I was not really surprised by what came with it. It was the emotional admin, I think, that was more was more the challenge. We have a very flexible arrangement with regards to us having the boys, we live them about an hour and 45 from them. So if things need to change, like if something comes up, it tends to be kind of there's no court order or anything like that. So the way it should run is that by the end of every year we decide dates for the following year, and then if things come up, there's just a discussion. Unfortunately, it's been a bit challenging. That's probably the most challenging part that I've found because we, in my view, we tend to be quite flexible and their mom isn't quite so much. Um, well, she definitely wasn't at the beginning. Things have calmed a bit now, but so we tend to find that if we wanted a swap, it was just a no, or you know, it would be done quite begrudgingly, whereas we could go out of our way to help when we can, because it obviously means you see the kids more, which is the bonus at the end of it, really. So that bit has always been a little bit imbalanced, and that's always been something I've struggled with. It's it's definitely better now, like we are in a much better place now, but this is sort of right at the beginning. So it's been quite a journey, especially mentally for me, just like adjusting, realizing actually what this all means, what this world of being a stepmum is. Why on earth are there so many support groups? Why are there all these podcasts? Why do I need this? And then it was like, oh, oh, I do need it. Excellent. So then, yeah, it's crazy to think that you need so much information and support and just advice and this sort of invisible group of women who are just always there to validate how you're feeling and help you through it. And it's crazy to think it just meeting somebody with kids means that you need all this help. But it's yeah, it's been it's been great, it's been my little lifeline, if I'm honest.

Katie South:

So you know, we often say there's always a lot of support out there for mothers, whether be biological or adoptive, but kind of the women who are the only mother full-time, but less so for stepmums, and actually it's a harder journey, and it's more difficult to speak up about your feelings. And you, like you say, you kind of go into it not really knowing what it's going to be like, because nobody out there speaks very openly about the challenges. So, you know, it's interesting that you say actually the practical admin was fine, but the emotional admin, love the term by the way, little bit more challenging.

Ellie:

Yeah, just a bit, just a bit. I know that there's a lot of work to kind of erase this evil step-mum thing that is very prevalent in sort of the movies, and you know, how stepmums are just these horrible people that come in and steal kids' dads and all this kind of thing. And I think there's just this lovely movement going on to kind of stop that stereotype because we're not like that. You know, it's our only crime in this is to fall in love with a man who's already got children. And this is the other thing I've noticed is that just generally in society at the moment, there's a lot of emphasis on women supporting women. Everyone comes together, we're all we all have the same kind of challenges in life, um, whether it's in the workplace or as parents or whatever else. And I think this is the only arena where I see women tearing women down to this extent. I understand and I always have done the feelings that I can't obviously sympathize because I'm not a bio mum, but I can completely understand and empathize with the feelings that must come with having another woman parenting your child in any way or spending time with another woman in the family unit that used to be hers. That must suck. And I can completely understand that. The bit I can't understand is when these grown women then basically behave like the kids and sort of stick their kids in the middle. And because the only people that get hurt doing that are the children if you involve them in the issue, because they kind of see their kids as an extension of themselves. And I'm not necessarily talking about my personal situation, I'm just talking about the stuff I've experienced as well as my personal situation. Um, but it feels like if people could just deal with their own problems, like if you're if if there's issues from the end of the break the breakdown of the relationship, like if you're not dealing with it very well, whether you're a dad or a mum, go and sort that out yourselves, get yourself straight, and then be there to help the kids settle into whatever new life that they are experiencing with a step parent involved, because that's the way to put your kids first. And I just feel like it's very easy to say that and it's very logical to say that, but you very rarely see it. Like if I if I I know of one step-mum friend who lives near me who I've contacted sort of via this crazy journey, and she actually gets on really well with the biomum. Like they help the kids together, usually the dad's kind of off doing something else. So I mean, that is so unusual. And she told me, and I I think my face said it all, and she went, but is that not normal? I was like, No, it's wonderful, but it's not normal, and I'm so glad that she has that. But it would just be lovely if we could all have that. No and Nisi's best friends, we don't need to be having sleepovers and you know, doing all that. But it would just be lovely to be able to get rid of that ball of tension in your stomach every time they text. Do you know what I mean? It's just that let me live my life. It's like I can never, I never really feel like I can be 100% content and happy because there's a little part of my brain that's waiting for the next thing to go wrong or the next kickoff to happen, or I mean, more now because we're in a better position when she messages my husband. I it it's fine. I don't like it's like okay, great. You know, she's telling him something about the kids that before, you know, take us back two years. And I was just like, oh no, what now, what now, what we done, what have we done, what's happened? Um, you know, so it's it's lovely to not be in that position anymore, but it shouldn't really have had to be in that position to start with. So it's very tricky and it's different for everybody, but it's it was definitely a very big shock to the system to learn what I was gonna have to be dealing with.

Katie South:

Yeah, and I think there's two things that are really important that you touched on there. One is around women supporting women, and there are a lot of very tricky bio mums out there. Let's be honest, there's also a lot of very tricky step mums out there. And I read, you know, on social media so many times, oh, high conflict birth mums done this and high conflict birth mums done that. And some of the posts I kind of think, do you know what? Maybe like hold the mirror up because it sounds actually like you're being a little bit high conflict. There was something I read about the bio mum shouldn't be allowed to drop the children off at my house because she shouldn't be allowed on the street where I live or something like that. And I was thinking, hang on a minute, if you were told that you couldn't drop the children off at bio mum's house, you know, so so there's like some real extremes out there, and I'm not saying it's not difficult for stepmums. My God, I know it's really difficult, but actually a bit of empathy can go a really long way on both sides. And I know there'll be women listening to this who'll be going, oh fuck off, Katie, like you don't understand what it's like.

Ellie:

I would have been one of them a year ago, I'd have been one of them, and now I'm like, you are absolutely right. It's adjust your mindset, like adjust the way you cope, because that's all you can do to help yourself. And through having coaching, that has basically got me to where I am.

Katie South:

Yeah, and the second thing you were talking about is kind of doing that work on yourself and recognizing what your own issues are. And actually, that's the most important thing, whether you're stepmum, bio mum, whatever, you could spend your time with your friends slagging off bio mum, or you know, stressing about what she's gonna do, or spend all your evenings discussing them with your husband, or you could do your own work, focus on your own life. And again, easier said than done, but it's the only thing that's gonna change things. So I'm interested, you talked a little bit about how it started off great, and then obviously it had ended up really difficult. Talk us through a little bit of the bit in the middle.

Ellie:

So, yeah, the beginning was I think very wet behind the ears, Ellie, to be honest. Um, and it was fine. The kids and I have gotten great from day one. There has never been an issue there, especially with our oldest. I I always kind of thought I'd be better with younger kids because I haven't in the past, but I think obviously the younger they are, just you know, they have the mum bond with their mum still. So that's sort of my youngest took a bit longer to crack. But yeah, we've always got on. They've been super friendly and welcoming right from day one. There's never been any awkwardness in the house. I kind of sat back for a bit for the first few weeks and just learned their routines and what they did and sort of gradually just incorporated where it was appropriate and I let them come to me. There was never any forcing of anything from my side. I just kind of fitted into how their lives were, and that was fine. And I think maybe I don't know because again, all you hear isn't it, if I don't have any kind of relationship with their mum, so I don't speak to her, I've never met her. So anything that I have felt has been sort of secondhand. So it's either heard through the kids or it's stuff that's gone on with my husband and you know, conversations they've had or situations that have arisen. So this is just all from my perspective and from what this has made me feel, but it kind of got to a point where I think when it was realized that I was kind of here to stay, I think it I actually think after we got engaged, which was we met July, we got engaged in March, it had been a bit difficult for them, but then it kind of ramped up because then I think it was, oh, okay, this is oh, because then I think she thought it was a bit quick. And it just started, but there just started being lots of arguments. There started being a lot of sort of pushback, a lot of tension. The kids would come to us every weekend telling us something new that she'd said that wasn't very nice, and we made it a rule from day one. We never ever speak negatively about her around the kids or to them ever. And we have never done that and will never do that. So, pretty early on, we had to kind of discuss between us how we were going to manage that. So we were kind of doing things like the kids will come home and they'd say something, and we would sort of ask them how they felt about that and what they thought, because they obviously know me, so they can decide whether they or whether or not they think that particular thing is true.

Katie South:

And so they were coming home and saying something that mum said, and then yeah, I was saying, okay, well, what do you think about that?

Ellie:

Yeah, so we were like, like they'd say something maybe that she'd said about me. Um, and that only happened a handful of times at the beginning. And I would say, Okay, well, mummy doesn't know me, mummy's never met me, has she, but you know me, and you've spent a lot of time with me. How do you feel about that? Do you think that's true? Do you think that's a fair thing to say? And we'd make the kids kind of use their own feelings and their own knowledge of the situation to come to their own conclusions. So we wouldn't go, oh, well, that's not true, and get involved in like a back and forth. If something was said that was, and I don't think this has ever happened to be fair, but if something had ever been said that was potentially damaging or just an outright lie or damaging against their dad, we would then obviously say, that's not true. This is the situation, because we would never want them to think what they've been told. And normally it was told to them out of her being angry at a situation and just saying it in the moment. So if that happened, we would tell them the truth, but gently, and we would always just try and protect their relationship with her. So we would never be sitting there saying, Oh, mummy's lied to you or anything like that. We wouldn't we choose our wording carefully.

Katie South:

So and it's a bit of a no-win situation, isn't it? Because I totally understand what you're doing, but even by doing that, they're still like, oh, okay, so mum said this about Ellie, but actually we know this is true. So what mum's saying isn't true, and you're right, they you know they come to their own conclusion, but still for the kid in the middle, they're like, Okay, so one of my parents isn't telling the truth, like there's no easy way, however, you look at it.

Ellie:

There really isn't, and it's I think these two are super smart. And the nice thing I will say about this is that the worst bit was in the middle, so it I guess for maybe the first year, and it was mostly around things like changing of dates, that's when things would kick off. It just seemed to be that it would be a very small thing, but it would be used as an excuse to just have a pop about everything else. I don't know, and I don't particularly want to know a lot about their relationship, but I don't think it ended very well. It was it was a mutual decision to divorce, but it there were still sort of unresolved things, I think. And I think a lot of it was just stone anger. The kids can be quite challenging, and if they've been dropped off and then they kick off, because there was one time when one of them forgot something and she phoned my husband on the way home and was shouting at him to bring it back and say, and she was just being quite nasty when she could have just said, Oh, you know, it was the way it was delivered. So that would kind of kick off all this horrible feeling and around changing dates, we would never get a yes if we wanted to change a date, and but we were expected to do it, and we never have them enough for her. Like, you know, every time we put over dates to have them, it's just never enough. And I don't know, but it was just so much stress around organizing that kind of thing, which again is better now. But I think it only started to get better when we started to change our response and our way of managing it ourselves, and especially me, because it was horrific at one point. I was my mental health was absolutely through the floor at one stage. Um, and I started having counselling both for my mental health generally, and also I had some step-family coaching to just get some help on how on earth I deal with this situation.

Katie South:

Yeah, dates is always such a tricky one because obviously when things are court-ordered, there's the additional stress that you know you can't change anything. And if you've got a family wedding that falls on the weekend when you haven't got the kids, they can't go. But then when things are flexible, everybody's interpretation of flexible is flexible. So it can make it really difficult if one party thinks, well, I'm being really flexible and you're not. It's so difficult. I've experienced problems on both sides of the fence, and you know, I'm sure that other parents within our family probably think they've experienced problems with us. Like it's so, it's just so difficult, isn't it? And yeah, I'm not surprised that kind of that was the tip of the iceberg. But tell us a little bit more about how things were for you during the trickier times.

Ellie:

So it was just the mounting stress, I think, and that I didn't really know where to put myself. I felt like for a while, I was like, am I just making this worse? Am I just making this whole situation worse for everyone? And it just got to a point where I used to dread kid weekends because of what was going to come back with them, what they were going to tell us. I used to dread then what our response would be. How do we deal with that? I used to, it got to a point where in my head, she controlled everything. She controlled my feelings, she controlled the way I was doing it, she controlled what I could and couldn't do with the kids, I wasn't allowed to post about them on social media. It just these things blew up very quickly, they blew away very quickly, but they were really, really stressful. And I don't think that anyone could have understood, even me, how that was going to impact me. And it just meant that I, if I'm totally honest, I just dreaded time when the kids were with us, and not because of the children at all, just because of what came with that. And I don't think that my husband really at that point knew how to deal with it either because it was all new for him, too. So it was just, it was really, it was really tough. I think the thing that saved us was that me and him communicate really well, and we're always on the same page, and we're always the foundation of this new little family that's going on, and that was really good, but I wasn't coping and I was just I was low, it was affecting my eating, I lost weight, I was just not really engaging. I found that I'd have a glass of wine every time the kids were here just to take the edge off. It was kind of getting to that point where I was just thinking, do I want to be here? And is this the right choice for me? Like, have I made a big mistake? And that feeling was horrendous. It went through my head more than once. And I was like, Well, no, I love this man, I love these kids, and I need to find a way through this. I need to find a way to stop the spiraling that goes on in my brain every time something kicks off. Because I was doing that thing where you have that conversation in your head that might never happen, but you go to the worst place and you think of what could possibly be said and how would I respond? And you play this whole conversation in your brain, and it always ends up in the worst place because you just do, don't you? You're like, worst case scenario. I was sort of in my head going, Well, what happens if she withholds contact? And then rationalizing it by saying, Well, she won't do that because the main problem with us is that we don't have them enough. And I fully appreciate the fact that she is the majority parent and she's still, she does, she's not with anyone, she hasn't met anyone. And her job is hard. Like she has them school, we don't have them during school time because they go there, and it's difficult. And honestly, I couldn't do it until I started changing my own mindset around everything that was going on. There was no way I was getting out of that hole, and it was just depressing. And I got to a point where I was like, I have felt like this before. And there's been one other time in my life where I was so low that I was on medication and I was having counselling for about three or four months, and I was like, I'm not going back there. And I was crying more than I was happy, and what should have been joyful experiences were just miserable. I couldn't find a way to feel happy. Yeah, it was really tough. Um, and I just yeah, I had to find I had to do something.

Katie South:

Do you want to take a break?

Ellie:

Okay, give me a sec.

Katie South:

This is so stupid because it's just all like in the path now. It's not stupid at all. It's it's hard to talk about, and even when you're sort of out the other side, it's still hard to talk about. Yeah, it is.

Ellie:

Okay, we're going to put it back in the room.

Katie South:

All the emotions are always welcome.

Ellie:

Yeah, it's when you think you're over it and then you're like, oh gosh, that still hits a little bit.

Katie South:

I do that a lot. I mean, it's painful to remember how things were. You can you can almost your body goes back into how it how it felt.

Ellie:

Yeah, it does, it's it's horrible, it's a bit sort of bit traumatic. Do you want to take a break? No, no, no. Uncle, people think that it's like melodramatic to say things like that it is traumatic. Do you know what I mean? And that, you know, is it your parenting, your step-parenting, a child? Why how is that so traumatic? Get yourself together. This is not hard. And I'm like, well, come back to me when you've done this and when you've been in this situation, and you're dealing with this stuff because you are effectively in control in some part of two little lives that you want to protect with everything, and it's tough, it's not about you anymore. It's really difficult and more difficult than I think I ever thought it would be.

Katie South:

Yeah, you don't know what emotions you're gonna have, and whether you're somebody who feels so warm towards the children, or actually you you know, you don't feel so warm towards them, both are both are okay, but every every situation has like its own challenges, and there's no there's no guidebook yet.

Ellie:

There's your next job. Yeah, that's my next project.

Katie South:

Um so Ellie, you are in this kind of pit of despair, and then you discovered coaching.

Ellie:

I did. I um had kind of had advert come up on it in many podcasts that I listened to and just never really thought anything, to be honest. I never really looked into it, and then I thought, well, counselling helped me, so there must be something in it. So I did kind of took some sessions, and it was all based around helping me to adjust the way that I was receiving and processing and responding to what was going on in a way that would make me back in control of my own situation, and I think that's that that's the key, is me being back in control of everything that's going on with me. So I did that, and the first couple of sessions was definitely a get it off your chest sort of situation. It was what do you want to get from this? You know, where do you see yourself at the end? Where do you want to be? And I'm still going, like I still have sessions regularly. I've been doing it for about I think I say almost a year now, every sort of week, fortnight. It's basically about how what I learned from it, one of my most valuable lessons is that all I can do is give and demonstrate the example that I want to show to the kids about who we are. And it doesn't matter what anyone says because children absorb things they learn, they know they're not stupid. I've heard this a million times. It's like you just carry on doing what you're doing, what works for you, and the children will pick up, they will know where the love is and where the positivity is, and they pick her up from you, then that's great. But for myself, it was like try and empathize with where she's coming from. That was something that immediately I wouldn't do. I would just be angry about this injustice and the way that I was being treated or talked about. Try and empathize. You know, she's got a really hard job as somebody else looking after her children X number of times a week. There is a new woman in their lives who is in a parenting role. You're living the life that she thought she would. You're essentially living with her family, and that's so difficult. And imagine how you'd feel in that situation. Are you going to take her kids away? Are they going to prefer being with you more than her? You know, all these things that must have been going through her head, even though they're probably illogical to her, that's what she would have been feeling. So once I started to empathize a bit with that, like if she ever kicked off, I'd be like, okay, where's that coming from? What could possibly have happened that's made her text that, say that, behave like that? And as soon as I started putting the human behind the behavior, things kind of released in my head a bit because I was like, at the end of the day, she has no more or less legal rights over these children than my husband. And that's what he panicked about. And I said, you know what? If what's the worst case scenario here? I was told, right, what is the actual worst case scenario? The worst case scenario is she could hold withhold contact from totally. If that happens, we go to court, right? Next, what's the next problem? And once you realize that this is not going to end your life, there is always a solution to something that might happen. She's only human, we're human, we're all in a horrible, weird, uncomfortable, brand new situation that we've all got our problems with. And it was then, how do I then respond to that? So it was like, stop spiraling, don't have these conversations in your head that might never even happen. Like when she messages, just try and do something else. Go and you know, tidy the house or something like that. Just distract yourself a little bit from it and actually have completely open dialogue with my husband about what's going on and how we best resolve things as they come up. And it was just taking away the panic, I think is the right word, because it was panicky, and everyone just jumped to like, you know, it everything went from here to here in two seconds. And actually, let's just read and look at exactly what's going on in this situation and take a step back and work out with the children in the center how best to resolve this. And remember, we're all only human. Everyone's throwing around threats and everyone's throwing around like just the horrible messages and whatever. But actually, what's behind that? And let's see if we can help. And then the hardest thing for me to do is go, you want me to help? So it's like, well, no, actually, yeah, be overly, you know, do the right thing. If she needs help, help her. Wherever you can help, where she needs it, help because she's got like whether it's extra days, whether it's slight alterations to pick up times, whether it's having them an extra day on a bank holiday weekend, whatever that might be, yes, say yes. Always say yes, unless you have to say no. And that's been the rule that we've put in. So unless we've got something we absolutely can't move, we will always say yes.

Katie South:

It's interesting how when you readjust your mindset and you say, Well, would I be flexible if it was for a friend or my own mum? And you think, actually, I could tweak my plans a bit. And I'm really guilty in the early days of being, as a step mum, very stringent with my plans because it's so difficult to have somebody else trying to change your life. And actually, now we we're the same as you, we just go, okay, fine. Like, and it's so much easier and it's so much less stressful. And I I wish I'd been a bit more laid back about that actually earlier. And the other thing you were you were talking about was kind of those assumptions that you make. Conclusion Island is very overpopulated, don't they? And you know, I have a good relationship with my ex husband, but things got a bit tricky not so long ago, like both sending messages to each other that weren't helpful. And you know, I said, Can we just meet and have a cup of tea? Because I've got no idea why it's got to this place, but it's not very nice. For either of us, and I was starting to feel kind of really stressed about things that just hadn't been stressful since we split up. When we met up, he kind of said, Oh, well, he's got a new partner in here. But he was sort of saying, Oh, you know, you're doing this because. And I'm like, No, I'm not. I can see how you guys might have constructed that in your head. That's totally not the reason why I'm doing it. I'm doing it with all the right intentions for our son. But because when you don't have that really open, frequent communication, which let's be honest, nobody really wants with their ex, it's very easy to jump to conclusions. So actually, since we sat down and had a cup of tea for like a couple of hours, it's been so much easier because I think he's sort of realised okay, these things that him and his partner had deemed to be what was going on actually aren't going on at all.

Ellie:

And I think as well, uh, one of the biggest things that I needed to keep remembering looking back on it, I think I was being quite selfish and just focusing how this was all making me feel. And actually, one of the most important things that I realized with especially with the date setting and stuff, is like, well, initially, way back, if we were asked to have them more, I was like, well, we've got something on then. Like, you know, why, why, oh no, I this is already planned and blah, blah, blah. And it was, it wasn't so much about the kids, it was like my plans are being wrecked. But then it was actually like, well, hang on, this means we get to have the kids more. It means they get to see us more, it means extra time with them. Focus on that. Focus on the fact that that means that their dad gets more time with them, that we get to spend more time with them, and then bring out the positives of what can feel like a stressful situation. One of the other things I think if I could go back right at the beginning, is I would have insisted on meeting her because I didn't know what the right protocol was. I remember putting a poll in a Facebook support group, which I'm no longer a part of because it was becoming, as some of them can be, it was coming becoming quite a trigger because it's all very negative, it's all very sort of slating birth months, and it wasn't really very helpful. But in the early days, I put a poll in and said, for all of you bio and step mums, as in you have both, who do you think should initiate meeting the bio mum? Do you think I should do it or do you think she needs to do it when she's comfy? And no word of a lie, 94 people replied, and every single one of them said, wait for her to do it. Obviously, because things were a bit tricky, it didn't happen. And then as it got trickier, I was like, I'm stepping back, I don't want anything. I'm happy for my husband to do all the communicating. He'll let me know when it affects me or our time together is in if dates change or whatever. But and I get involved in setting dates and proposing dates. But yeah, so nothing happens. And then recently, as things have been getting better, maybe about a month ago, we were talking because we've been having some stuff go on with our oldest. He's been diagnosed with ADHD. So we've been having some stuff go on at school. So there's been a lot more contact between obviously my husband and their mum because there's needed to be, because my husband needed to get more involved. He was like, I need to support you as best I can. And so he's now become much more involved, which has been lovely because obviously it means he's closer with the kids, he knows what's going on, it's helping her out more. She's getting that support from him, which I don't think was there to begin with. So actually, since that has happened, things have been getting a lot better. They get on really well at the minute. Things have been quite flexible. We've just had the kids extra last weekend. She mentioned about sort of four to six weeks back when they were on the phone, they were going to meet halfway at on transition day on Sunday to talk about the oldest, the two of them. And she sort of said, Well, Ellie's welcome to come. Literally almost fell off my seat. And I was like, I'm sorry, what? She said, I can show her I'm not the evil woman she thinks I am. My husband went back and said, Surely that's the other way around. Like, you think she's evil. And she said, No, like the kids are always saying how supportive she is of you and how supportive she is of them. And she's noticed a lot of stuff with our youngests, you know, stuff that's going on with him. And I was just sort of sitting there with my mouth on the floor. But it just goes to show, doesn't it, that that's how she's thinking. I'm thinking that she's thinking something a world away from that that I'm trying to hide from. And so I was like, great, let's meet. And then the place that we were going to meet closed for refurb. So it hasn't happened yet. But the point is, she's open to it, it's going to happen. The kids are overexcited about the fact that we might be meeting. And I think it'll just make things easier because once you put a face to someone and you have that in-person conversation, we're not going to be mates, you know, it's not like that, but I think it might help us understand each other a bit more.

Katie South:

I couldn't agree more. And I think when you have a conversation face to face with somebody, it's so different to communicating via text message. And it is interesting to think, you know, what would happen if bio mum and stepmum actually sat down and had a really open, vulnerable conversation about how they're both feeling. Because I I, you know, you strip everything back, and a lot of the time it's fear. So, you know, it'll the women I work with in coaching, it will be a fear of all sorts of different things. And then obviously, biomum's got all those fears going on as well. And like you say, the empathy goes a long way. So, in if a bio mum has thought she's in a really happy marriage and her husband has just suddenly left her and then got with somebody else really quickly, God, how painful must that be? And even if bio mum's been happy to leave the relationship, she may be really struggling with not having her kids, you know, half the week. There are all sorts of things that go on. And like you say, we never know how someone else feels. One of my favourite questions for women is, well, what evidence do you have to support that? Zero.

Ellie:

And this is the thing, because it's like I think when I think about meeting her, my first response to her husband was like, Don't meet me. You have to stay, you have to sit there the whole time. Don't go off with the kids. But then I was like, Well, I I think I have to think long and hard about how open I am. Not open about myself, that's fine, but I think I have to be super careful around the stuff with the kids because I ultimately don't want her to think that I'm in any way trying to tell her how to do anything, or like I don't want my opinion to be seen as if I'm asking an opinion on something to do with the kids, I don't want that to be seen as combative, if that makes sense. Just I don't want that to be seen as like I'm, I don't know, telling her she's doing something wrong. So I can I'm gonna stay back, I think, and just be very sort of base level, sort of, yeah, let's just chat and get to know each other as women and who we are. I think she knows now what kind of person I am as a step mum and the fact that I'm obviously not trying to take the kids off her. Um, she knows that I don't want my own. It's like so I think she knows the basics around me, sort of three years in from the kids. She knows they love me, which I think for her is probably uh more of a relief now than it was then. I think I guess at the beginning of your kids are saying they love another woman, it's a dagger to the heart, isn't it? But you know, now I think it's it's been proven over three years that they can be happy in both homes, and there is no, oh, I like here better. So I think as that has settled and people have realized that people aren't the threats that people may have perceived them to be, things are just sort of going along now. I think the thing is, the interesting thing is, I think we're more similar than than we both realize. We're both very stubborn, we're both very outspoken, we're both very opinionated. And I think that's why there's been these huge highs and lows on feelings on my side, because I think we're just quite similar people at the end of the day. So but it's just yeah, the frustrations I think are there because there's an unknown, isn't there? There's an unknown, all you're getting is stuff through the kids, or you know, through what you're reading from text messages or whatever, you're not actually getting it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. So it's secondhand information, and a lot of it is ignorance of the other person's situation, no knowledge of their feelings or of what they've been through, or I've been through some pretty serious like health stuff, which has also impacted my life in certain ways. So she couldn't possibly understand that. And it's do you know what I mean? So there's a whole lot of just unknown factors that fly around that people don't take into consideration properly. And once you realize that and you kind of put those things in a box, and you kind of go, you know what, those are the things I don't need to worry about here. All I need to worry about is the kids are happy when they're here, we do what works for us in our home. Everyone loves being here. Great, move on because we we parallel parent. So um there's kind of elements of co-parenting that had sort of crept in, but mostly it's what happens with her at her house, is that fine? And our house is it's quite different. And the kids were obviously going between the two, so we find that easiest. And I think even if I meet her or when I meet her, I'm still gonna leave all of the admin to my husband. I'm still gonna be like, you can deal with it all. Just let me know if I need to kind of adjust anything because I think that's how it works for us, and I don't need to get involved, they're not my children, I love them daily, and I will be their stepmum till I die. But they are the parents. I support him in parenting his kids, they make the decisions, they are mum and dad, and I very much know that and always have done, and that is how my role works, and I'm happy with that. I don't need to be getting involved in text messages, I don't need to be in a WhatsApp group chat. I can't lie for anything more stress-inducing than being in a group WhatsApp chat. Um that's why I left the one I was in. Well, see, I I heard a podcast yesterday about somebody who was in one, like four, four parents, and I was just like, oh, those notifications. I'd be like, No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Katie South:

You know, I think the brilliant thing about your situation is that it hasn't affected how the kids have been towards you. And I think, you know, there'll be a lot of women listening who are kind of thinking, well, this is all great, but essentially, because the kids are great with you, you can sort of shut her noise out when she's not there. And it's really hard to do when that spills over into how the children behave in your home, and that's a whole other thing. But as you say, you can still only oh, we've been joined by a really cute cat.

unknown:

Sorry.

Katie South:

All right, everyone's welcome. You still can only control your own reactions. I'm interested if you could share, because I'm always sort of raving about the the benefits of coaching and how amazing it can be. I'd be interested if you could share kind of some of the biggest things that you've learned.

Ellie:

I think the biggest thing I've learned is probably that my example is stronger than her words. I think early on that saved me because I was so hell-bent on being this perfect stepmom because I felt like I was having to almost in my behaviors show them that I wasn't this awful person. And I think having my own situation validated and the fact that my situation is entirely separate from what goes on at her house, it's in the early days just having that kind of you know what, you can do what you do, do what you know works for you. You don't need to ask anyone else. And because the kids, like you've said, were so amazing and were so lovely, and we didn't have those issues where they came. There was a couple of times where they would be a bit confused by what they'd been told, and so they were a bit standoffish with, you know, oh well, mum said this, and we're like, okay, but it didn't ultimately sort of turn them against me, kind of thing. But I think from coaching, I just learned that I need to separate almost my world from the other one at their mum's house. So we are our own little sort of ecosystem going on over here, and as long as the things that are happening here we're happy with and the children are happy, then we don't need to worry about what's going on over there. I think that was my first thing. I think the second biggest thing was just teaching me how to come at it from somebody else's point of view. Yes, you feel hard done by yes, you feel upset and angry, and that's okay. But hang on, how does she feel? Like, how is what that's if you said something and that's gone back, you don't know what's going back from this side. How is she feeling as she's saying this kind of thing? Think about how tough it is for her. She's dealing with school for two kids by herself, then with the latest stuff that's been going on, that's doubly hard. She's on her own, you know. And it was just learning to empathize and learning to just stop supposing for a second that I'm the only one in this situation. And just communication, that was also another massive thing that came out of it. And also ask, like you said before, asking yourself why. Like, what evidence do you have? You can go on about this and you can go, oh, she's done this and they've done that, and she said this. It's like, well, okay, you're having a rant, but really, is that actually true? How how do you know that that's the case? What evidence have you got to support that? And why is it always her? Why is it when something goes wrong, the mum, the bio mum gets blamed? Why is that? Because actually, a lot of this is just kids being kids. A lot of it is, you know, it's not her fault they're doing X, Y, and Z, that they're kids. And the first thing that enters your head when you're in that space is like, oh, they're behaving like that because clearly she lets it happen. Well, no, that's absolutely not true. They're children, they're growing up and they're pushing boundaries, and it's learning to stop blaming, stop blaming everything that goes wrong or everything that's upsetting on their mum. Because you know what, 90% of the time it's nothing to do with her. Just try and live your life the way you want to live it. And unless something really serious kicks off, actually the rest of it's kind of just background noise because it comes and it goes so quickly that it's not worth sitting on and just stewing in. It doesn't help, it doesn't help you. It ended up impacting. If I was doing that, it would impact the kids because they could see that I was upset or that there was something going on because I go into my head and I was less present. And so the second I did that, and I just went, you know what, this is my home. She doesn't have an influence here, it's fine. We just carried on, and then things became more relaxed and everyone became more happy, and things have sort of progressed. So it's a lot of empathy, it's a lot of take yourself outside of this situation, think about someone else. Actually, is that really happening, what you're saying, or are you just spiraling in your head?

Katie South:

Yeah, and sometimes it's really helpful to say, okay, well, what else might be going on? And it's that classic take yourself out of stepmum life. If you text a friend and they don't reply for a week and you think, oh my god, I've offended them, they hate me, da. Okay, what else might be going on? They might have meant to reply to your text and they might have forgotten. Their toddler might have picked up their phone and might have deleted it. You know, there's always a whole load of other things. Um, but we are so good at jumping to assumptions on this. And I think, you know, one of the other things that I love about coaching versus sort of therapy or counselling is that it is so action-focused, so future focused, so forward-facing.

Ellie:

Um practical tips and actual things you can do rather than counseling, which is obviously all about your mental sort of well-being. It is, it's things you can put in place in your family. It's behaviors that you can actually change, it's conversations that you can have with everyone, dad, bio, mum, kids, to improve your situation. And it's taught me how to have those conversations because I don't have my own children, I don't know how to interact with the two young boys, and it's taught me how to have these difficult conversations, how to get them involved, how to make people feel like they're part of a family rather than this kind of sort of at-war situation, and how to do it helpfully and without affecting them in a negative way. So it's practical stuff, it's live your life and do it and take action. And this is how you can then safeguard your future and just provide that family environment and have this amazing relationship and hopefully bring their mum along for the ride as things get easier.

Katie South:

Yeah, and you know, as you were talking, I was thinking she's obviously been on her own journey on the other side. And who knows what was going on in the past, but it's has probably come to quite a different place now. And it's it's that recognition, isn't it, that yes, there are extremely horrible situations, but for the most part, everyone is trying to do their best, and different people have different challenges and it throws up all sorts of different stuff. But I love the fact that you found coaching and it's helped you so massively because obviously and I wish, you know, I'd look back to when me and my partner got together and think, like, God, why you know, why hadn't I trained as a coach then? Because it was actually all this stuff I went through that made me want to train myself because I was like, Well, this is valuable stuff. People should know this. Why don't they teach this at school? You know, I said to someone the other day, when you when you have a biological baby, you kind of you go to NCT or the hospital classes or you get health visitors come round and see you. I feel like when you become a stepmum, you should get a coach come round and see you, you know, because you should get some sessions.

Ellie:

At least five free sessions to start out your life, because it would, yeah, it would be a game changer. It has been a game changer. And I would, for anyone, even if you're not in a massively horrible situation, it's just tips, it's life skills, it's stepmum skills, it's things that will help anyone. And I would I would throw this to anyone struggling out there, get yourself some coaching, because it's has been a complete game changer for me, and it's meant the difference between thinking about leaving my marriage and not. And so, you know, that that for me is where you start, where you end. You know, it's it's meant that my family has stayed together. I can't recommend it enough.

Katie South:

Get butterflies when I hear you say that. Well, look, Ellie, thank you so much for sharing with us so vulnerably and courageously telling your story. And I'm so happy to see where you are now and wish you every single happiness to the future. Thank you very much.

Ellie:

It's been really nice to talk to you.

Katie South:

Oh, Ellie, what a delight it was to talk to you. So many insights in that chat, which I really hope that our wonderful listeners can take away. And thanks again from me, both as a stepmum and as a biomum. It was really interesting to hear Ellie's thoughts about how she shifted her mindset with regards to biomum. As a biomum myself, I know there have been assumptions made about me in the past which have caused problems, stress and hurt on both sides of the fence. So I urge all of us to try and suspend judgment. Ultimately, things are much easier when we work together for step lines and biomark. I do recognise this isn't always possible, but where you are able to, I would really, really encourage you to take a little step, even if just a pigeon step in the right direction, your future staff will thank you. Of course, there are situations where that isn't practical, and I totally, totally recognise that. Now Ellie wasn't one of my clients, but if you are listening and thinking coaching is something which could help you, either as an individual or as a couple, then please do check out the info on the website or drop me a DM or email if you'd like to book a slot or a free 15-minute intro to find out more. If you've enjoyed this episode, then please do rate or review wherever you get your podcasts. It really, really helps other women find us. And as you know, I am so so passionate about offering that support to those people who need it. If you've got a story you'd like to share, please get in touch via the website stepmanspace.com or on the socials at Stepmom Space. I'll be back next week with another new story. See you next time.

Head Shot

Katie South

Host