Stepmum Space

Episode 41: “Home Wasn’t My Safe Space and My Anxiety Was in Overdrive”

• Katie Harrison

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Support, tools & coaching for stepmums: https://stepmumspace.com

Trigger Warning: This episode includes discussion of trying to conceive and vasectomies.

In this honest and deeply validating episode, Katie speaks with Jen — a stepmum to two and mum to one — who has been navigating stepfamily life for over a decade.

When Jen met her husband, she didn’t have children of her own. But because he had majority custody, she became a full-time stepmum overnight. That sudden shift brought love, connection, and enormous responsibility — all while Jen was quietly carrying anxiety that no one around her fully understood.

Jen opens up about:

  • the emotional weight of stepping into a full-time parenting role immediately
  • the pressure of loyalty binds and complex Bio Mum dynamics
  • feeling like she had to walk on eggshells in her own home
  • the anxiety that built when she was giving everything but feeling unseen
  • the moment her husband finally realised how unsupported she had been
  • why calling out poor behaviour isn’t “being difficult” — it’s protecting your wellbeing

Jen also shares how her relationship with her stepkids has evolved, including the powerful moment her stepson admitted he thought he “wasn’t supposed to like her” — and what that honesty unlocked for their connection.

This is a grounding and empowering conversation for any stepmum who has ever felt invisible, overwhelmed, or unsafe in her own home. Jen’s story is a reminder that boundaries matter, support matters, and you matter.

If You Need Support
Book a free intro coaching call: https://stepmumspace.com/booking

Find workshops, tools & resources: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace

Keywords: full-time stepmum, stepmum anxiety, home doesn’t feel safe, loyalty binds, stepmum burnout, struggling stepmum, stepmum support, Bio Mum dynamics, blended family stress, stepmum mental health, overwhelmed stepmum, stepmum podcast

You deserve a home that feels safe — and support that helps you breathe again.

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Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum's Face, the judgment free zone, where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. Hello everybody, Stepmum's Face is back. I have missed this podcast so much, and I am so so excited to bring series 6 to you. This series is crammed with stories which are uplifting, heartbreaking, and everything in between. I'm also going to be joined by some brilliant experts whose tips and advice I know you'll find incredibly useful. And I have some rather exciting news about the podcast to share. Statement Space has been nominated for the Listener's Choice Award at the British Podcast Awards. Now, you lovely listeners know that this is a real labour of love for me and my husband and something we are so passionate about offering out to people. We would be really, really, really grateful for your vote. I'm gonna pop the details in the show notes, but you can vote at www.brishpodcastawards.com forward slash voting. You need to just type in Stepmum's face and then confirm your vote through your email account. It only takes a couple of minutes and we would be so so grateful. So thank you so much. I've also been really privileged over the last couple of weeks to be working with some wonderful women, men and couples in my coaching practice. I love seeing the transformation that can take place over just a few hours with people and their relationships. If you think coaching could be for you, then please check out the packages at stepmumspace.com and take advantage of the free 15-minute intro to share your situation with me and discuss how coaching could help you. Now, my guest today is Jen. Jen is a stepmum to two older stepchildren. Well, actually, one's technically a step adult. No, adult, adult stepchild. Adult stepchild, that's what we'll call him. She's also a bio mum to a little boy. I absolutely adored speaking to Jen recently, and I know you all love hearing from her too. But before you get into her story, please hit pause and head to www.brishpodcastawards.com forward slash voting and vote for Stepmum's face. Okay, over to Jen. Jen, hello, thank you for joining us today. Hi, Katie. It's really nice to see you. And you finally seeing your face. Like, I have a face. Um, how's your week going?

Jen:

Yeah, good, busy, busy, end of term busyness, and um with work and school seems to cram everything in, doesn't it, at the end of term? Sports day, summer fairs, yeah, it's all it's all happening.

Katie South:

It's a lot. I um I was just panicking this morning before we got on the call because my younger kids' schools, instead of kind of doing the standard raffle, they do hampers now. So each class prepares a hamper and then they raffle up. So it's quite a nice prize. And I'm like, shit, when am I supposed to have the stuff ready for the hamper on? So I'm texting someone I know who's on the PTA. She's like, oh yeah, we didn't actually put a date on the email.

Jen:

Shit, we've been it's just no one ever knows what's going on, so they I know it's quite it's classic in every school, isn't it? It's not just the one, we're all the same. So yeah.

Katie South:

I know this is why I can never join a PTA. I'm like, I will help with everything, I will donate to anything, I will organise anything. Yeah, I just can't do anything, I can't do a committee.

Jen:

Oh, I did I did do the rep job last year actually, where I was the cast rep, so I was involved with the PTA, but um, it's just it's way more busy than you think and and quite stressful, and um, and then sort of trying to round people up, you feel that there's quite a lot on your shoulders to make sure that everything goes to plan.

Katie South:

Yeah, exactly. It's like the pressure. So look, Jen, it's it's so nice to have you here, and I was really grateful when you got in touch with me um via Instagram. So why don't you start about sharing a little bit about your family?

Jen:

So we have three children between us, and my husband has two children from his first marriage, and then we have our little boy together. My husband and I met uh about 13 years ago now, and his children at the time then were just about one was coming up to 11, uh, his daughter, and his son was coming up to 18, and he was just about to leave to go to university. Yeah, it was quite a whirlwind meeting my husband. It was very much we're really meant to be together. So I guess things moved quite quickly, which probably for his kids was probably quite overwhelming as well. His daughter very quickly took to me, which was you know quite a blessing because I know all of us in this situation, that's one of the biggest things is to think, are they going to like me? Are they going to accept me? And yeah, she did, kind of with open arms, really. So that that made things a lot easier. My stepson, he was a bit different, and I think my husband and I talked about this, and he said he thinks really that he did like me, but he felt he shouldn't like me because he was so fiercely protective and still is of his of his mum. And it was almost uh yeah, I I remember one day he he actually he turned round to me and he said it's just really hard to dislike you because you're such a nice person. So I think he was actively sort of thinking, I I just I mustn't like her, you know. I think it's that thing that we all get painted that picture of the evil stepmum and this is how the kids behave. And so when actually you have feelings that are actually different to that, it's challenging yourself, isn't it, to break the norm. So I think for him it was a bit like, damn, I really like you, but I'm not meant to like you.

Katie South:

And like interesting at 18 as well, to because he can pull that feeling apart, can't he? And kind of recognize it.

Jen:

Yeah, and you know, he was just about to head off to uni, so embarking on his, you know, total new phase of his life. But you know, for for my stepdaughter, it was very different because she was just about to start at secondary school. So real kind of formative years of changing puberty about it and all those kind of things. Yeah. And I guess that the way that our dynamic is probably a bit different from stepmum's sense is that my husband had always been househusband. So his kids, when him and his his ex separated, the kids stayed living with him full-time. So when I did move in, uh I very quickly became a full-time mum. So a Monday to Friday role rather than a weekend role. So I guess, in a way, you could say maybe I didn't get the fun elements of things. It was school lunches, homework, dealing with day-to-day school stuff. I think that was quite a shock for me, having not had any experience of parenting on any level, to suddenly be presented with a person that really obviously really needed me and wanted me and wanted me to step up to that role. Yeah, which I think was probably one of the biggest challenges I've ever come across, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah, just you know, because you're responsible for this child all of a sudden, you know, and it's not a full responsibility because you're obviously doing it with mum and dad. But I I think that's tricky as well, is knowing how much to give and how much to not tread on anyone's toes. And I felt that very much with my stepdaughter because she with was with us so much. I couldn't, I couldn't not give. I I, you know, I and then I sort of thought, well, should I have done that? Should that have been her mum's place to do that? And I think if there were, I was constantly toing and froing in my head over the years of have I done too much or have I not done enough.

Katie South:

Yeah, I he and that bit is exhausting. Like I remember with my stepdaughters being like, I really want them to feel like they're part of the family, I really want them to feel like they're treated by me the same as I treat my son, who was a similar age, you know, the three were quite a similar age, but equally I'm like, but I don't want to tread on their mum's toes and I don't want her to think, hey, back off. And I was sharing my first son with my ex. So I was like, I know it's really hard to share your kids, so I don't want her to think I'm doing too much, but I don't want her to think I'm focusing only on my child, and it's that constant, like, and it almost it's kind of stops you from being yourself, I find. And then you're overthinking everything. And I remember talking to my husband about it because now we have our little ones who are kind of both ours and they're five and six. And sometimes I will buy one of them a new pair of shoes and sometimes not the other one, and sometimes I will buy one a sun hat and not the other one. And I never feel guilty. I never think, oh, well, I've bought one this, so I should buy the other one this because I buy them what they need when they need it. I remember with my stepkids, if I bought something for my biological son because he needed it, I don't know, for school or whatever, I'd be like, shit, I better buy it for them, like even though they didn't need it. And we had so much stuff in our house because I never wanted them to think like, oh, she always goes out and buys stuff for him, but she never buys stuff for us. And then we would have like these drawers of clothes and things that would just never get worn. But it's that constant, ah, what am I doing?

Jen:

It does, it does, it leads to me, it led to so much anxiety as well. I mean, I I've suffered with anxiety in the past, but this situation for me was a massive trigger to resurface that because you're constantly just in this flux, aren't you? Like you were saying, you know, do I, don't I? And for me, it was just yeah, I just didn't know whether I was coming or going after a while. And like all of us, we embark on parenting, not knowing what on earth's coming at us. But but then when you're starting out as your first role as the stepmum, it's the yeah, for me, I mean, since having my son, I've realised the ease I have in the relationship with him of feeling comfortable to say what I need to say to him. You know, there's no, I you know, I I've I've I've always and still to this day, I don't think I've said probably enough of how I felt about things to my stepchildren because there's always that worry of am I going to upset them? How are they gonna react to it? Are they gonna tell their mum about it? Am I then gonna be the awful person? I've really, really noticed that since becoming biological mum. The I guess it's an unconditional, isn't it? You know, you know with your own kids that yeah, you can kind of maybe talk it out a bit more. That that's the situation I I've been in anyway, as a step parent. And I I feel that I do I do have a really a real closeness with my my stepkids, definitely. And I know that they tell me stuff that they don't tell either of their parents. And sometimes when my my stepson comes home for a weekend, we'll get have a moment and he'll really open up about stuff. And I'm it's really lovely, you know. And I you know, he doesn't try to hate me anymore. And and has been amazing actually, with my son. You know, he's totally embraced that big brother role. They have a really special bond, even though there's a huge age gap between them. My son gets so excited when he knows his big brother's coming home for the weekend. It's it's a really special bond.

Katie South:

So take us back a little bit to the beginning. So your husband's first marriage had ended. Are you able to share a little bit about the circumstances around that?

Jen:

Yeah, I mean, I think it was all very amicable. I think they'd they'd met very young. And I think as we all do in our 20s, we massively change. And I think, you know, as they were approaching their late 30s, they were both thinking, this isn't working anymore. We're not right. And I think it was very much elephant in the room a lot of the time, not talking about stuff, not dealing with things. They decided to separate. From that point of view, I think that it was it it was an easy split. Splits are never easy, but easier than than a lot of other people maybe have experienced.

Katie South:

And how did his ex take to you being involved in her kids' life?

Jen:

I think it was a real challenge for her at the start. For a start, I don't think she thought her ex was going to meet someone as quickly. I don't think she thought it was going to be the love of his life either. And I think that was quite overwhelming for her. I think it must have been pretty hard for her to see how much her daughter had bonded with me so quickly. I think as a result of that, I think she tried to claw back a bit of kind of I don't know what's the word, involvement. And that that usually meant sort of bringing up a lot of conversations about the past. Every time she would come to pick her daughter up, I would be faced with her recounting memories of good old times.

Katie South:

Good old times with your husband or with Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jen:

Most times she would bring up a story of, Oh, do you remember when we did that together? And do you remember this? And we'd be standing there in the doorway, and I'd be thinking, I I don't I don't think anybody wants to know about this. And you know, I could see it was making my stepdaughter feel uncomfortable, certainly made me feel uncomfortable, but I I think for her it was it was kind of a way she sort of still had a hold over the the situation. And and I do feel very much, you know, when I moved into the family home, when she would come in, it made me feel like she still very much owned that space. It didn't feel like my space for a very long time, actually. If we'd been able to do things differently, I would have loved to have set up a new home, but that but that wasn't possible because you are very much walking into a house full of memories, and the photo albums are still in the corner, and you know, everything kind of doesn't feel like it's changed. I really struggled with that actually, really, really struggled. For about the first sort of two or three years, I'd have moments sometimes where I'd finish work and I'd think, oh, I've got to go back, I've got to go back to the house. You know, I was totally in love with my husband. You know, we had an excellent relationship and still do, but it was everything surrounding it that just made me feel like this isn't home, isn't my space. And I and I think probably his ex, I think she struggled with that as well, that I'd come in to that space, that was her home, and I think kind of still wanted to remind me of that from time to time as well, with the comments and things that she would make. It was tricky.

Katie South:

Yeah, I've actually, it's interesting, I haven't thought about it the other way. I I can see for both sides actually how it's strange. And when I work with stepmums in coaching who have moved into the family home, that's often something that comes up that we sort of work through. But actually, thinking about it from the ex's point of view, it still must be pretty hard for her as well, because you're almost sort of living her life.

Jen:

It's really unhealthy for both parts, I feel. I would try to make little changes in the house because you know, things that I maybe wanted, like I went, you know, bought some new cushions, and anything I did, any small thing I did, the kids would be like, Why, why, why have we done that? Why is that changed? Even a small bit of paint on the wall. Oh, why have you changed the colour? I really like the old colour. And we had to get a new sofa because the sofa was falling apart. And I remember my my stepson coming home and just oh, that sofa's just full of so many memories. And you know, mum read to me on that sofa, and I was just, oh god, no, you know, making me feel so guilty. And then I just thought, but this is my home, this is this is my space, and um, I just couldn't claim it at all. And I think that that did just lead to so much vulnerability and anxiety for me, of just and I just didn't feel myself for years, because if you don't have an environment that you feel that is your fully safe space, it's really hard, isn't it, to let go and and be you.

Katie South:

Absolutely. You hear that a lot about people not feeling that home is their safe space, like regardless of whether they're in the previous family home or not. And I think it's just exacerbated when you are in that home and can really connect with some of what you were saying about the kids not wanting you to get rid of stuff or change stuff.

Jen:

Absolutely, it's nothing personal, is it? But you know, there was so there's so much personal stuff, I guess, attached to it all. And then all the time you're thinking as well, I don't I really don't want to upset the kids. I really don't want to upset them, so maybe I'll just not do that. And then once again, I wasn't getting what I wanted or needed. I think that's been the running theme throughout my stepmum life, actually. And it's only this year that things have started to change, which is why I'm doing this with you, because I'm finally feeling confident to talk about how I felt about things, and also feeling more confident to speak up a bit more to my stepkids and say, actually, that doesn't work for me. They're old enough now, and I still feel, you know, some friends have said to me, Do you wish you'd done things differently? Do you wish you'd gone in and laid your law down a bit more and said, I'm doing this, this is what I want. And I said, You know, I don't actually, because I think if I had have done, I think for my stepdaughter, it would have been too much for her, and I think she would have really struggled. I think it would have also led to a lot more arguments, and I think also biological mum would have kicked up a lot more fuss. I mean, that that's meant that I've had to quiet myself for many, many years to make sure the family has flowed in the dynamic it has. But it's it, I think it's my time now to say, actually, you guys are all alright, you know, you're you're strong enough now, you're grown-ups. How how can we make this family dynamic work a bit more so it favours me a bit more rather than just everyone else? And you know, my my husband's guilty of that as well. It's only been this year that he has you know really admitted that he he didn't stick up for me.

Katie South:

Sorry, don't be sorry. Do you want to take five minutes? I'll be alright in a minute. Yeah, it's hard talking about this stuff. Yeah. Um the exact same thing happened this morning with my lady. Oh, really? It happens most of the time. I find it like when when people talk about their stuff, like it's it's a lot, and you go back and you take yourself back into that moment and almost saying it out loud again makes it all real again. Yeah, absolutely.

Jen:

And I and I think everyone in that moves into any kind of family is navigating it for the first time. So I can't I don't blame my husband for making the decisions he made. You know, he was trying to protect his children, but you know, we have talked about the fact that when things were said that were maybe a bit hurtful towards me, you know, I I just wished he'd he'd called his kids out on it, and he just didn't. And I think he would now, actually. I think now that I'm making changes and moving forward with actually speaking up, he's definitely shown to me this year that yeah, you know, enough is enough now. We need to make sure that I am okay in this dynamic as much as everyone else is. And that's 13 years. I know it's exhausting when you think about it like that. Because, yeah, I mean, aside from all of those emotions, you're also trying to keep some children alive, aren't you? And make sure they turn into good humans, which they both have, you know, and and and my son is on track too as well. So it's kind of like, hold on a minute, there's there's more than there's just so many layers, aren't there, of this dynamic? So many layers.

Katie South:

Yeah, and I think that part about you not wanting to speak up about your needs is so common in any type of parenting. I mean, you mentioned you've got a biological son, like it's hard for a biological mother to say, like, well, actually, no, I'm gonna, you know, get a babysitter for my kids and go out to my music lesson or to the pub with my friends or whatever. Like, all of it's hard, but then you lay in the stepmum guilt and like, well, hang on, is this okay? Society doesn't really tell me that this is okay.

Jen:

What you know, you're like, I know, there's no guidebook, is there? There isn't a guide. I mean, there's not for parenting, but there is there's there's almost there's a different layer of of being a step parent of just navigating it. I mean, it is, yeah, it's just it's the hardest thing I've I've ever done, and still is on so many levels. What what's going to be around the next corner?

unknown:

What's coming next?

Katie South:

And you think, you know, you kind of go into it thinking, oh well, the kid, you know, I remember when when we were in our really, really rough spot, and I remember thinking, right, how many years until the kids are adults? And obviously now, like things are so much better, but I'm also like, well, hang on, it doesn't end when they're 18 suddenly.

Jen:

Like, no, no, and you know what? I mean, when my when my stepdaughter was at uni, bless her, you know, she was going through uni in COVID times, so it was just the most awful experience. I feel so sorry for for uni students at that time. I feel in ways I probably gave her more emotional support through that time than I had when she was at secondary school.

Katie South:

Yeah.

Jen:

The layers of what she needed um were very different, very, very different.

Katie South:

Yeah. I'm really enjoying the relationship I have with one of my stepdaughters now because it is more friends and we can and I'm looking forward to as they both get older, like hopefully having an adult-to-adult relationship where we can both understand each other and probably they can maybe understand me a little bit more than when they were children. Take us back. So you've moved into this house, you're kind of changing bits and bobs that you can, and it's kind of causing these upsets. Your stepson's gone off to university, you haven't yet had your biological son, and you're parenting your stepdaughter Monday to Friday. Tell us a bit about how that was.

Jen:

I'd always wanted to have kids, so I I did naturally fall into the role of being a mum, and it's what I wanted, and I felt I was doing it well. But it did also feel that I'd got a bit of the raw end of the stick doing the Monday to Friday because we never really did a lot of particularly fun stuff with her. You know, it was her mum that she would go to the theatre with, or you know, they'd go swimming, they'd go to the cinema because it was all the weekend stuff. I felt like I had got a bit of a raw deal on that end of it. I also still obviously really wanted to have a child of my own, but my uh husband had had a vasectomy after having his children. So we began a very, very long journey of trying to have our son, which did finally happen after many years of things being very settled with my stepdaughter and us having a very good relationship and a very open relationship. The introduction of my son coming along really upset everything. And I still to this day I'm not quite sure what was behind it all because by the time he came along, you know, she was doing her A levels. So in my eyes, had kind of gone through the puberty and what where I thought things might have been really fiery and flared up, and actually, we had a great relationship through all of that time, you know. We were really close and she'd confide in me a lot of that stuff, and and I think I don't know, I think possibly the change for her, it was too much that she wasn't going to be number one anymore. There was gonna be another person in the mix, and I think probably I had given her so much she knew that she wasn't gonna get as much, she wasn't gonna get the the level I could give her because there was a new little person on the way. But she became yeah, she became quite cruel in ways throughout that time, which still, you know, things I think I would like to talk to her about with one day, maybe when she's a little bit older. You know, she was very vocal about the fact that she wasn't happy about us having a kid, you know. I remember when I'd gone on maternity, it was probably about a month before I gave birth, first thing in the morning, and she'd come into the kitchen. And I just said she seemed really off, she was really grumpy. And I said to her, you know, are you okay? And she didn't really want to talk. And I said, you know, how how are you feeling about everything, you know, with the baby coming along? And I wish now I'd never asked the question because quite angrily she just turned to me and she said, Well, I'm I'm really not feeling that great about it, and just walked out of the room. And this is a 17-year-old at this point. She was yeah, coming up to 17, and I just, you know, having a baby is a joyous moment, isn't it? It's what everyone's wanted, and we'd fought so long to have him as well. And I just thought, I know, I know you're a teenager, I know you've got your own levels of emotions going on with this situation, and I respected that and I got that, but to have such a hurtful comment about a baby coming into the world just really threw me, and I held that for quite some time, and I think probably do still hold it quite a lot now because I just sort of think it's just the one thing you don't say, you're always happy for someone having a baby, whatever you think about it. And it just seemed like if if we'd always had a relationship where she'd been quite negative, I would have understood it. Well, it's just how she is with me, but it wasn't, it was such a change. And when he came along, yeah, she just well, she really distanced herself from me and my husband. And you know, if people came to visit, if they said, you know, how are you, how are you finding it? How are you getting on? Is it lovely having you know a little brother? And I don't think there was any enjoyment for her from it at all. And you know, one day I remember I heard her saying to one of my friends, Oh, if it all just gets too much, I'll just move in with mum. And I just thought, well, that's never worked before, and I've been doing that for the last however many years, and it just felt that really felt like it was thrown back in my face, just everything I'd done. I just thought, so you're just gonna move out. That's that simple.

Katie South:

During the run-up to you having your son, did your stepdaughter's relationship also change with her dad? Uh yeah, it did.

Jen:

Yeah, she was she withdrew a lot. I do remember her her and my husband having a really big argument about it. And he he did actually say at that point, he said, you know, there have been times recently that you've really treated Jen like shit and it's just not on. She never apologised for that, and you know, she must know to this day how she behaved and how unacceptable it was. But then when when he came along, she would she would do kind of strange little things where she would almost sort of challenge my parenting, which was really, really tricky. You know, I remember I can a very vivid memory of one day we were in the kitchen, sat at the table, and uh um my son was on the floor, probably had some bricks playing with them, and I think he bumped his head or arm or something and was a bit teary, but it wasn't a proper cry, it was just a am I gonna get a reaction from mummy? And I looked down at him, I said, You're all right, darling, it's okay, you're fine. And then straight after that, my stepdaughter leapt to the floor and said, I'll look after you, it's okay. Okay, there were things like that happening a lot. Um, and um I I think there must have been a lot of jealousy there for her. I'm not sure whether it was because the time from her had been taken away on levels, I don't know, but she wasn't happy with it. And and I still and still to this day, I don't think she's she's she's not close with my biological son, I I wouldn't say. Not like my stepson is close.

Katie South:

And what was your stepdaughter's relationship like with her biological mother prior to your son being born?

Jen:

I think they'd got closer as she got older. I think it's fair to say that her biological mum is not maternal. And I think she would admit that. She was never, she was never one of those people that had gone, I love being a mum. And I think really when the kids were little, it was a big challenge for her. It was not, it was not easy, it's not what she wanted. So as her children got older, it got easier because they did more adult things together and the relationship got better. So probably by the time that my son was born, the relationship with my stepdaughter and her mum was the best it had ever been, I would have thought.

Katie South:

Yeah. I guess I was wondering like if she wasn't getting that sort of maternal stuff from her biological mum, and she was getting it from you, whether there was part of her that's thinking, I'm not going to get that anymore if a new baby comes.

Jen:

Absolutely. I think there is. And you know, I made a real effort to treat her, do special things, take her out for a meal. And when she went, wanted to go to look at universities, you know, I booked us into a nice Airbnb. I was doing all these things, but she was still, there was still a level of narkiness there. It's, you know, it's it's ease, definitely, uh as she's got older. And it's one of those things, you know, she might not even remember that she was like this. I don't, I don't know because I've not ever asked her. But I think she did she needed so much from me on an emotional level, and yeah, she knew she wasn't going to be able to access that as much when another person was there, and that was a big thing for her. I think she she will admit herself, she she comes to me for emotional support. She goes to her mum for practical and financial support, and you know, so she's got a great balance, you know. And I and I think her her biological mum would be fair to hear that statement as well, to know that she she definitely comes to me when she's got problems, which is is a is something else that's quite hard to deal with sometimes because you just think I got you know, I've got some affairs to organise, and and yeah, then you're dealing with this older child that needs you as well. So it's been complex, definitely.

Katie South:

And how did your husband step into that situation when your stepdaughter was being difficult with you?

Jen:

I mean, it did all culminate in this argument that they had just before she went off to university. But prior to that, things would usually happen when he wasn't around. So by the time I then saw him at the end of the day from work, most of the time I would I'd get really angry about something and you know, I let it all out of him and say, you know, this happened, and then he'd say, Would you want me to say something? And then I'd simmer down and go, Oh no, don't worry about it. It's fine, it'll pass. And then the next thing would happen. And I think that's what you know, this 13 years has finally got me to, which is actually, yeah, we do need to talk about that, and we do need to say we're not that wasn't okay. You know, it wasn't okay to say that. I think before my husband trying to deal with it and approach it was a challenge for him. It it really was, no, because he he still had this thing in him as well of I don't want to upset them, I don't want to upset my daughter. I think he also had worries that especially when they were younger, when his daughter was smaller, that I think he always sort of worried that her mum might decide, actually, I I want her to come and live with me full-time. And I don't think he ever wanted to rock the boats. But I think with that, I then also had to slot in to that, okay, I'm I can't rock the boat either then. Yeah. So for many years just didn't speak up about what my needs and desires were within the family. And yeah, I think if I had have done with the biological mum, I don't think things would have been as smooth because I don't think she would have accepted and been able to cope with it very well if I'd really voiced what I needed. I think it's only because I'm the kind of person I am that probably the f family dynamic has been as smooth as it is. What sort of things did you not voice? I think it's just the general everyday life, down to small things like like Christmas. None of my family traditions were ever included in anything. I just joined this family, did everything they wanted to do. No one ever once said to me, you know, you know, what did you do at Christmas Jam before you met us? I was just sat in a box waiting to come out until I met you guys, and then yeah, yeah, I'm gonna start my life with you. I remember one year actually, I guess my I think my stepson had been at uni for about a year and he'd come home and we were decorating the tree. Well, the kids were decorating the tree. And I was sat there and he just said to me, you know, are you gonna help? Are you are you helping decorate the tree? And I said, No, no, it's fine. I said, You do it. Because once again, I was like, Do I decorate the tree? Do I get involved with this? Uh is this a family thing? I don't know what's going on. He actually responded, he just said, Okay, well, don't be a part of this family then. Um and that, yeah, that really hurt. And I thought, you know what, that laid the path for what happened because it was basically, Jen, unless you adapt to us, none of us are going to adapt to you. So you've got to fit in. And that's that's what happened. So yeah, you know, I went along with whatever was happening and how they did birthdays and how this happened, and how Christmas happened, and how holidays happened. And there was very little moment where I thought, well, what did I want in this situation? How did I want this to play out?

Katie South:

When all that was happening around you, were you cognizant of the fact that it wasn't how you would have done it? Or did it just not even occur to you to think we do meals out on my birthday, not celebrate in?

Jen:

Or yeah, I mean, I think for a while in the first few years, it just I didn't really think about it. I think your head's just so full with how am I fitting into this family and how am I is everyone okay? That I didn't really think about it. So I've always been a bit angry with myself actually as the years have gone. I've just like, well, why didn't I say? Why didn't I speak up? Like, what what did I want? You know, and you know, and actually my husband has said this to me a bit more this year. He's like, Well, you know, what do you want to do then? If you don't want to do that, what do you want to do? I'm like, well, I don't know right now, but I know it's something else. It's just being included, basically. It's being included in the decision. And in the in the way that I step-parented, I just went along with it, I think, because it was the easiest thing to do. It's it's tricky, really tricky.

Katie South:

And it is funny, you remind me of something my husband said to says to me quite a lot. He's like, Well, you never say what you want to do. And I'm like, honestly, it's because I'm like, if everyone else is happy, that's enough for me. Like, there's a lot of people here. But then you get to a point where you're like slightly, and it might be a silly thing. It might be, I don't know, you're all going to the beach and everyone wants to get fish and chips, but actually you're trying to eat a bit healthily, so you would have rather taken a picnic, just something really, really ridiculous, but you don't want to say it because you don't want to everyone to be in a mood and be pissed off. So you go along and then you feel a bit resentful because you're eating these chips, thinking, I don't want to eat these chips, but you kind of can't be angry with anyone because you've kept your mouth shut. And so you're almost like your own worst enemy.

Jen:

It's always really small things as well, isn't it? And you think, well, if I say this, I'm just gonna sound like the pettiest person ever if I bring this up now. And it's like, why are you moaning about chips? Yeah, exactly, but it's really emotional.

Katie South:

It's like, and I and it's funny because a lot of the women that I will work with in my coaching work will talk about the big meltdown moment because they hang on to so many things, and it's like the pressure builds and builds and builds, and there's no like shh let out a bit of the gas at the top, like maybe you do in other parenting situations, and then suddenly it all comes out and everybody's a bit like, whoa, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Jen:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And actually, this is what has happened this year, but it actually did happen a bit back at Christmas. There was an upset where I basically did the steam let off. But then I actually went away with some of my closest friends a couple of months ago, and and yeah, ended up having a panic attack. And I think it is because I had taken myself away from the family and was in a situation with my friends who totally understood what I was going through to start with. I didn't really know what was happening to me, and they were amazing and all held me and let me cry. And I was just like, just everything was coming out, everything. And I've just, you know, after that said, I need to get some counselling, I I need to start talking about how I am feeling in in my family situation because getting to that point is so unhealthy. And I think I think as step-mums, yeah, you're right, we are our own worst enemies. We naturally want to make sure everyone else's health and wellness seems to be okay, but we are so often the bottom of that list as parents, but as as step mums, I feel even more so.

Katie South:

It's less socially acceptable to say, I just need some time away from them, or I just, you know, or as a biological mum, like you and your husband probably have very different conversations about your child together than you ever did about your stepdaughter. You have more agency over those decisions naturally. So you feel more comfortable voicing, well, actually, this is this is what I want, this is what I need. I've talked about this on the podcast before, when when our little kids together are being really annoying, we'll both sit there and roll our eyes. You know, obviously, when the kids aren't looking and be like, oh, how many hours till bedtime? And we both do it and we have a laugh. Yes. But the other way around, and you you feel so isolated because you can't do that about someone else's child who's not your child, because you feel rude, you feel like a wicked stepmum, and you feel like it's going to cause an argument between you and them. So you kind of just sit on it and it's not healthy.

Jen:

Yeah. And I think even though that dynamic shifted as the years went on, and my husband, he was probably more open to me voicing things than I realized. But because I'd taken on what had happened in the first few years, of you know, I I remember one day it with something that happened with his son, and I had got very upset about it. And my husband did just say to me, he said, they're my priority. If if you can't handle it, almost a bit like don't be here. Obviously, that changed for him as the years went on, but in my head, that was still there all the time. That was my basis of all the decisions I was making was oh crikey, yeah. I I I can't, I just can't say. I can't say what I need, and I can't bring up why I'm upset because if I do, I'm going to rock the boat. Um, so it is been um it's quite liberating when you have that moment of of feeling actually, I am allowed to speak up, I have got a voice in this family, and my friends just been like amazing. I am so glad you've got to this stage because they've all been seeing it from watching it as it progresses, and none of them are step parents, so don't know what the the vibe is like, but they know what I've been through as as best as I can explain to them, and they are just so thrilled at the moment that they are saying, you know, come on, Jen, this is your time. Everyone's behind you now. And and I actually think my stepkids are as well. I've had conversations in recent months with my stepdaughter, and she did actually she put in a message to me once a few months ago, she just said, I think this is your time to shine now, Jen. And I was like, Wow, okay, yeah, all right, okay, I'm gonna do this then. So I think she's she's not under any illusion that things have been a big easy ride for me anymore. I think she knows what's the the challenges that I've I have faced. Yeah, so that's good. That's good that we're building on that, which will hopefully lead to me bringing up a bit more about the time, you know, when she had such a hard time with her little brother coming along. I think it would be good to discuss that. And how old's her little brother now? He's seven, so yeah. So it's you know, it's a big age cat. Yeah, it is quite incredible the bond they have, and I it'd be really interesting to know how other families are with this. But the bond they have as siblings is very unique, and it's not like any other relationship that's going on in the family anywhere else. And when they are all together, there's there is a real closeness, there is a real connection there, and that's quite quite magical. It's really lovely to see it, yeah.

Katie South:

Yeah, our little ones they adore their older siblings and they have a different relationship with each of them because my son from my first marriage and my two stepdaughters are all with us different amounts of times, so the relationships are different, but there is so much love. And this morning I said to my daughter about her her big sister, oh, she's coming at the weekend, and my my five-year-old's like, How many sleeps? How many sleeps? And like I tell her, It's lovely, isn't it? Get in, you know. Yeah, it is it is adorable. So I'm just interested when you said, you know, you had this turning point and you thought this is my moment, was that triggered by when you went away and had the panic attack, or was that triggered by something else?

Jen:

I think it was triggered by what happened at Christmas. Um, there was an incident that I won't go into. It led to me, I I basically spoke up. I spoke up in the situation. I think it really shocked my husband and my stepdaughter. That that was the breakthrough. And I basically I just said, you know, I have done so much for this family, I'm just not having this anymore. I need to have my feelings and my voice heard. So that then led to conversations with my husband. It then led to conversations with him having a conversation with his daughter. A lot of stuff came out, and it was from that moment that I think he sort of said, you know, I've always known how much you've given, but didn't realise just how much it had impacted me. And I think I think that's the thing. I think I know for me personally, I'm very, very good at just maintaining this. I have got everything together. Even my stepdaughter has said to me at times, she's like, You have always got your shit together, always. She's like, I don't ever remember a moment where you were like angry or whatever. And I'm just thinking, how did I do this? How did I keep going? I think for both my husband and my stepdaughter, it was a moment of hold on a minute, we need to listen. We need to listen here. So that's that's gone forward through about this year, and I've had you know these conversations with my stepdaughter via text and stuff, and we've things have come out and we've talked about stuff. And yeah, my husband is just just totally on board with just like whatever you need to do, I'm behind you. If you need to say something, I've got you, I'm totally there, and that is just like okay, brilliant. But he he's in a safer space as well, and he admits he's like, he says, I know what I did was wrong, I know I should have I should have picked the kids up when they were me. I know I should have said stuff, and he said, But I was scared, I was worried about how the divorce was impacting them. What was I doing to my kids? I brought this new lady into their lives, and he said he didn't know what he was doing either. And it's it definitely didn't come from a place of malice, it was just lots of people living together that didn't know what to do for the best, really.

Katie South:

As little support as there is for step-mums, for men in that situation, there's even less. And dads, in my experience, because I work with dads in coaching as well, they talk about even less stuff openly. And what commonly they will just say is they just want everybody to be happy, they're stuck in the middle, they can see it all going on around them, but they don't know what to do, so they do nothing. And actually, that's kind of almost the least helpful thing.

Jen:

Absolutely, it has been a real journey for my husband, so much so that he's gone from being this man who just didn't deal with emotion. And you know, in the beginning, I'm a very emotional person. Talk about trying to get everything out, and that in the first few years of our relationship was a big okay, we are not, we are not lining up on this. He's now uh he's done training in counselling and is moving forward on a journey with that and has been volunteering with counseling young people. The change in him, you know, and he says to me, he says, This is down, this is down to you, Jen. This you've you've changed my outlook on sorry, on how to approach things and how to to be with people. And I do feel that's one thing that I can take from being in this family is that I think I've taught a lot of them, all of them, how to interact with each other better and be more open. I mean, my stepdaughter still says to me sometimes, she's like, Do you remember when we first had when the first few months of being in her life? She said to me, I came home from school one day, and you said to me, Well, how was your day? And something had happened, you know, someone had fallen out or something, and it probably impacted her a bit. And I said, And how did that make you feel? And she said to me, She was like, Do you know what? I think you were one of the first people in my life to ask me how I'd felt about a situation, which really shocked me because my family are just, How are you feeling about that? Whereas for them, they you know, they just weren't, they weren't that kind of family. So for her, it was the first time she actually had to think as well. Well, actually, I don't know how did I feel about that situation? And she will say to me now, you know, if I hadn't come into her life, she's like, I think I'd be a very different person now and wouldn't be as engaged with understanding how she feels about things. And so I think I've kind of been a little bit of a counsellor, probably along along the way for her as well, uh, which has been lovely, it's been a lovely role to have, and I'm really glad I can do that for her. It's important to have a female supporter, isn't it, in your life?

Katie South:

It really is, it really is. And you know, I'm looking at you, and obviously everybody's listening, but you're incredible to have done all of this stuff, been through a difficult journey and having your own son, coming out the other side, and I'm curious if you could do it all again, because there'll be women listening who are earlier on in their journey than your 13 years. What might you do differently, if anything?

Jen:

I I have asked myself this question before, and friends have asked me this question as well. Definitely the one thing I would do differently is to feel that I would voice what I needed to within situations. But I think I didn't know how to do that back then, whereas now I know much more how to say, actually, if we're going to do that, can I just do it this way, or can we do it on that day instead? Yeah, I think for any anyone who is starting their journey on this, trying to remain true to what you you need and what you want. And I know how hard that is. We all know how hard that is as a step parent because a lot of the time you don't know what it is in yourself anyway. Even if you can't speak up, know that you are worthwhile and that you have a voice. You do want to take a break. Um no, I think I'm okay. It's just it's just you know, it's just saying it out loud, isn't it? It's um yeah, it's just it's huge, it's just such a massive thing to undertake. But yeah, I do feel really proud of myself, which is something that I think we should all do as step mums, is realise that you know we're having such a positive impact, and and I think blended families in lots of ways, and I know for hours I think it has brought so many positives because you've just got more input, haven't you? You've got more ideas, you've got other people's views and opinions and um different ways of life. And I I think now probably my stepkids are starting to see that more, and I'm pursuing my own hobbies more now and doing more things, which my son is is seeing, you know, he's very involved with this mum that is doing all these things for herself. Whereas my my stepkids didn't didn't see that, but now they are beginning to see, oh yeah, Jen, Jen has a life. Jen Jen's actually a person. Who knew?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah.

Katie South:

But I do think it's easier. I mean, I don't know how old you are, but maybe similar sort of age to me. And I think as you do get a little bit older, I don't know, stuff kind of happens around you, and you think, well, I'm only here once. Yes, I want to be the best mum, stepmum partner I can be, but I also want to do some stuff for me. And I know seeing things happen to friends of mine in their 40s has really made me think, I'm only here once and I have to do some stuff that's for me. And that's okay, by the way. And actually, you know, like my eldest son, he loves it. He he'll be like, Oh mum, have you have you met any interesting people on the podcast recently? And this, that, and the other, and takes an interest, and I think, oh, I love that guy.

Jen:

I'm sort of moving into mid-40s now, and definitely the last couple of years, there's been that real sort of surge in my own power, I guess, to say, actually, come on. And but it's you know, when I went into being a stepmum, I was just about to turn 31, so it was still really young, and I was also becoming a step-mum to a nearly 18-year-old. You know, there wasn't a huge age gap there. I do wonder if it had been different, if things would have been different if they'd been much little children and how that dynamic would have played out. I didn't, you know, I didn't have a clue, as none of us do.

Katie South:

So, look, thank you so, so much for chatting today. I oh, thank you. I I know there'll be kind of a lot of people listening who'll be so grateful to you for sharing your story as somebody who's done 13 years. It sounds like you've been through a lot with your own mental health. Are you in an okay place now with regards to that?

Jen:

Yes, so much better. And um, yeah, I'm having some counselling to discuss specifically step family life because I've had counselling in the past for other things that I've found incredibly beneficial, but never once been to counselling where I can talk about the family dynamic. I think that's so important and is is really helping and really beneficial. I feel that I am in the best place I have been for many, many years now. And I think, you know, as as difficult it is having a panic attack, and when things get to that point, sometimes it needs to get to that, it needs to escalate to that before you actually go, hold on a minute, I've really got to take stock here. I've got to look at this and I've got to do something about it.

Katie South:

Because life's busy, isn't it? And it's easy to brush over things and go, oh, it's just me being overdramatic, or I'm just a bit, I just get a bit worried before they come. And then the big thing happens and you're like, shit, no, this isn't okay. And I do need to do something. So I guess for anyone listening who's noticing that things are not okay, take stock now and try and do something now. And let's not let ourselves get to rock bottom before we realise we're worth taking care of.

Jen:

Yeah, absolutely. I think that's it, isn't it? It is so, so important.

Katie South:

Know that you're worth it. Like you're entering this family, but that doesn't mean that you have to just slot in with them. And it's okay to say, well, what can I bring? Or when I was a kid, my family did this. Maybe we could do this, maybe we could create our own traditions that take some of what the kids have previously, but also some of what you've got. And I'm sure you're doing that with your own son now.

Jen:

Yeah, and that, you know, I think that is the difference, is that because I didn't have children moving into it, it was easy for me just to adopt their traditions and do whatever they did because I didn't have my own children to have to consider in this new situation. So I guess that was probably what was such a tricky thing about my husband and I then finally having a child was because we were bringing that new situation into it. There were going to be requests of, well, actually, can we do this on this birthday or can we do this at this Christmas? It was going to change it. My husband and I have talked about that actually, how things maybe would have been if I'd have had children and brought them into it as well. And I have actually said to him, I think it would have been a nightmare. I think it would have been a nightmare. Because I think his daughter just she latched onto me so much and sort of needed me so much. I think if I'd have had children coming into that, possibly how she had been around the birth of my son, that probably could have been the story full time. Um, and I think that would have made my life a lot more difficult. I know it's all you know speculation, but knowing on how she was at that time uh with accepting someone new, I I don't think it would have been an easy ride for her.

Katie South:

Yeah. Well, and it sounds like it hasn't been an easy ride for you, but you've you've come at the end and I'm thrilled that it's Jen's time to shine. So look, thank you so much for talking to me today. I've really, really enjoyed it.

Jen:

Great, yeah, really great. A roller coaster of emotions, it's felt like, but really, really good to talk and connect with another step-mum and hopefully lots of other step-mum's out there as well. Definitely. Thank you so much, Jen.

Katie South:

Thank you, Katie. Oh, what a woman. I absolutely love that chat, and I was moved to tears on more than one occasion with Jen. I really, really hope there was something that you could connect with and take with you back into your own world. In that chat, you'll have heard Jen talk about the importance of talking through your stepfamily issues in a safe space. We all need that, and I can't tell you how important it is to work with a professional who understands step families. If you'd like to book a one-to-one all couples coaching session with me, please head to www.stepmum'space.com where you can find out more or message directly on Instagram at Stepmum Space. I'm not going to be taking on new clients in August, so September dates will fill up follows, so get in touch now and don't miss out. I've also opened up another date for the signature online Stepmom Space workshop where you can meet others in a safe space and share experiences and learn new tools and techniques to help you on your Stepmom journey. There's more on the website and you can book there as well. So head to stepmumspace.com and click workshops. So I hope you've enjoyed this first episode of Series 6. If you have, then please do rate a review wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps other women find us, and as you know, I'm so so passionate about offering that support. If you've got a story to share, please get in touch with me. Follow the website stepmanspace.com or on the socials at Stepmanspace. I'll be back next week with another news story. See you next time.

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Katie South

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