Episode 42: Walking on Eggshells With My Doors Locked — Not Feeling Safe in My Own Home

Support, tools & coaching for stepmums: https://stepmumspace.com

In this powerful and rarely spoken-about episode, Katie talks to Jackie — a mum to one and stepmum to two — about what it’s really like to live in a home where you don’t feel safe.

Jackie shares how, after repeated incidents of her stepson stealing from her, she reached a point where she had to lock her bedroom door and live in constant vigilance. What followed were years of anxiety, hyper-awareness, confusion and emotional exhaustion — all while trying to hold the family together and protect her own child.

Together, Katie and Jackie explore:

• what it feels like when your home doesn’t feel like yours
• the emotional toll of living in survival mode as a stepmum
• how to set boundaries when trust has been broken
• the strain placed on your relationship when you’re constantly on edge
• the guilt stepmums carry when they don’t feel safe around a stepchild
• what healing and recovery look like after years of feeling unsafe

This is a brave, honest and validating conversation for any stepmum who has ever quietly struggled behind closed doors. Jackie’s story is a reminder that your experiences are real, your safety matters, and you’re not alone.

If You Need Support
Book a free intro coaching call: https://stepmumspace.com/booking

Find workshops, tools & resources: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace

Keywords: stepmum doesn’t feel safe, stepmum walking on eggshells, unsafe stepfamily situation, blended family conflict, stepmum boundaries, stepmum mental health, stepmum anxiety, stepchild behaviour issues, emotional safety in stepfamilies, overwhelmed stepmum, stepmum podcast

You deserve a home where you feel safe — physically and emotionally. Support is available.

Transcript

Katie South: 0:00

Hello, I'm Katie and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and those scary tales of Stepmom life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. So thank you so much to each and every one of you who's voted for Stepmum's Base in the British Podcast Awards. If you haven't yet done so, it is not too late. Please head to www.brishpodcastawards.com forward slash voting and enter Stepmom's Space. You'll then have to confirm via email and it will take two of your precious minutes max and would mean the world to me. Voting closes at the beginning of September, so please do get your votes in. Now I've had so many messages from ladies who are struggling with step family issues this summer holiday. Ladies, I am sending you all my solidarity and love your way. It is so so difficult. Please know that you're not alone. If you'd like something a little bit more practical than just me sending my love and happy vibes to you, I've just released a new date for the Stepmum Space workshop, which is available for booking on the website stepmumspace.com forward slash workshops. Spaces are going to go fast, so do get in while you can. The workshop is a mix of individual and group exercises. You'll also come away with a group of stepmum friends who really get to what it's like. There's more on the site about what the workshops cover, and if you have any specific questions, please do just drop me a DM. They will get booked fast though, so do not miss out. Head to the website now and get yourself booked on. You will not regret it. This week my guest is Jackie. Jackie's a bio mum to one and a stepmum to two. Jackie is really candid about her emotions around stepmotherhood, including the ones which some of us feel a little bit more uncomfortable discussing. So I know you're going to love listening to her story, and there will be lots that will resonate with you, I'm sure. Let's get into it. So, Jackie, you're joining us all the way from California, which is amazing to have you. And also thank you so much because it's very, very, very early in the morning where you are.

Jackie: 2:34

It is, it's really early, but this is my energy time, so this is perfect.

Katie South: 2:38

I was gonna say you look very fresh.

Jackie: 2:41

Oh, yeah, I love to wake up early. This is it.

Katie South: 2:44

It is really nice. Jackie, look, thank you so much for agreeing to chat to me today. It's really nice to talk to you, and I'm really looking forward to hearing more about your story. So why don't you share a little bit about your family to kick off?

Jackie: 2:58

Well, first of all, it's my pleasure. I'm so excited to talk to somebody that gets this. I mean, this is such a crazy situation. And, you know, when you have friends that are not stepmoms and not bonus moms, they just don't get it, you know, and you try to explain it, and it's like it always feels like there's a part of my life that people don't really understand until you find people that's like a kindred spirit, you know. Oh my gosh.

Katie South: 3:23

Yeah, I totally hear you. And I was actually thinking just before we came to record today, like it's amazing how all across the world there's all these women feeling exactly the same and same emotions. It's such a common thing now to be in a step family. So it's just really nice to come together and share some of that. And it's funny, yesterday I took my biological kids to a gymnastics lesson and I bumped into a friend of mine in the car park with her kids. And I just said, like without thinking, I went, Oh, do you want two more kids? Two kids for sale, I've had enough of them. Do you want them? Because they've just been so awful. And as I went in, I thought, gosh, like everyone laughed, and even my kids laughed. And if I'd have said that about stepkids, everyone would have been like, What is she saying?

Speaker 1: 4:06

Yeah, exactly.

Jackie: 4:09

So when I met my husband, the kids were there's two kids, a boy and a girl, and they were almost six years old, so they were really little. And you know, it was wonderful because I was single and I was like in my 30s, and it was awesome. It was like these little kids that wanted to just hold my hand and be close to me, and it was so much fun. And so I was like, Yeah, I can totally do this. This is great, you know. It's that beautiful naivety that we all go into it with, which is like it's it's wonderful in so many ways, you know. That's what got me through a lot of situations, but it was it was just being completely naive and loving these little precious beings. It started out really wonderful. I mean, we just played, it was perfect, you know, and then we got married, and then um, there was just some some issues right away that were really difficult. And like their mom, the ex-wife, she is on the spectrum. And so, you know, and that's fine, but it's really difficult when you're trying to parent and you're realizing, like, oh, she doesn't have the maternal instincts and she doesn't know how to greet people, you know, and so it's like the natural things that we just take for granted, and then you're dealing with somebody who's completely opposite. And so I think unfortunately for me, what ended up happening early on was I started just making up for her and feeling like that was my job to make up for her. Obviously, as I look back now, it wasn't my job, but it was really tough because the kids would come over to our place and I was recognizing like they didn't get much, you know, cuddles or hugs. And so I was trying to make sure I did that, and then they didn't get a lot of structures, and I was trying to teach them these things and that, and it became really overwhelming and really exhausting because I mean, I'm not their mom. And it's just a totally different role that is very confusing, you know. And then there was a lot of issues with my stepson. There was a lot of things that ended up happening, and it was really tough because being the stepmom, you're on the outside a little bit, it's like I can see things a lot clearer, and my ego is not involved in, you know, the kid so much. And so I would make suggestions like, wow, I think he probably really needs some therapy or something. And both parents didn't want to participate in that. And so it was a very isolating, scary, sad feeling of like, okay, what am I supposed to do? How can I make the best of this situation when I'm feeling really alone? And it feels like nobody's really in my court for trying to figure out some of these issues.

Katie South: 6:54

Interesting, kind of when you're in that situation and you're suggesting things with the kids and the biological parents don't agree with you. It's so hard for a stepmom because you're kind of like, okay, so I don't have a say, but I have to sit and just suck up the behaviors or the outcomes.

Jackie: 7:10

Totally, totally. So my stepson, just to be a little bit more specific, he had started like lying and stealing little things when he was younger. And it's so hard because I think some parents, you know, it's like, oh, they don't want to admit that there's a problem. And so they want to just kind of keep covering it up or keep kind of ignoring it. And then we came home and he had like stolen some of my underwear and some tampons. And we didn't realize until um he had left and we were checking out his room, and we just glanced at a couple drawers, and it was like I'm like horrified, you know, like, oh my gosh, where do you even go with that? I don't even know. And I'm like, so he's like in my drawers, and it was just so it just felt so violating. And you know, and so then we're trying to tell his mom, you know, and his mom just really didn't want I mean, I think she was uncomfortable, obviously, but she wasn't gonna take action. And so it was just a really stressful situation, and then we um and then the stealing kept happening, you know, we'd find things and then he'd lie about it. And so, on top of just the dynamics of being in like a home with kids that you didn't raise, you know, there's all these extra issues. And it was like, well, what am I supposed to do? Because their mom didn't believe in therapy, so she didn't even think that it should be happening, you know. So we ended up having to lock our bedroom door, and every time they would come over, we would have these little locks and these keys that we'd be using. And I'm thinking, this is so, this is so unhealthy.

Katie South: 8:50

Yeah. So often I hear people say, Well, I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel comfortable in my own home. And it is that, isn't it, of feeling like, okay, what's gonna happen now? And yeah, you don't always know how your own children are gonna behave with you, but at least you've got that authority to implement whatever you want to manage it. And it sounds like obviously you didn't you didn't have that. And I think for your your husband's ex, I mean, I sort of think anyone who says they don't believe in therapy probably needs therapy more than anybody.

Jackie: 9:20

I know, I agree, I agree, but it's so tough because it's like, okay, well, I can't mandate that the kids go to therapy, you know, that's not my job, and that's the hard part, like what we've been saying about being in this role is like, okay, it was so clear to me that there was some stuff going on, and I can't solve it. But it was exactly trying to just put on a good face when they come over and trying to get through it without fixing the issues because I didn't have any authority to do that. So it was a lot of that for a long time.

Katie South: 9:55

Where was your husband in all of this?

Jackie: 9:58

I mean, he was there, but it wasn't, you know, it's been it's been an interesting kind of road because there was definitely things that I think he it was uncomfortable, so he would sort of shut down and move backwards as opposed to like sliding in and saying, Hey, this is my situation. I'm gonna figure, figure this out, we're gonna fix it. He just really didn't have that energy for a while. And so it was like it felt like both parents were sort of sliding back, and then it was like, oh, okay, so now I've I have to figure this out. I don't even have my own kids. I don't know, you know, that was really tough. And what happened was my stepson ended up, um, his mother is uh, she was a teacher at the time, and he ended up stealing an iPad from her classroom, and he swore up and down that he didn't take it. And even his mom was like, I don't think he did, I don't think he did. And I was thinking, like, there's a great chance that he did.

Speaker 1: 11:01

Yeah.

Jackie: 11:01

And it ended up getting pinged from the school and they pressed charges. And so there was kind of a relief that I had of like, okay, now it's escalated and it's become like a bigger deal, you know, and it's obvious that there's a problem. So that's kind of what kicked off like a lot of change, and I'm grateful that it ended up happening.

Katie South: 11:26

Yeah, there's almost that vindication of like, I'm believed, and just that somebody's gonna do something, but such I mean, God, really embarrassing for his mom if she works there and he's stolen from there. It's a shame it had to get that far and you had to go through all of that in your own home.

Jackie: 11:43

Yeah, and in my head, I was like, okay, I knew this was gonna happen, you know? It's like we could have done something sooner and we didn't. I think what I've realized, Katie, there's so many lessons that I've learned kind of along the way, but one of them for sure is like I constantly needed to be in a place of forgiveness, of like forgiving myself and then forgiving my husband and forgiving the ex-wife and forgiving the kids, because it'd be like, okay, that didn't go so well, so let's restart. And I'm gonna look at it this way, and I'm gonna clear that out, and I'm gonna start fresh with this because to hold on to all those resentments. I mean, I couldn't, I couldn't even function then, you know.

Katie South: 12:23

Yeah, it's that's amazing, actually, as a thought, because you, you know, I know I've made loads of mistakes. There's a billion things that I would do differently, and I know there's a billion things my husband would do differently. Maybe there's things his ex would do differently. Who knows? When you're in it, to have that mindset of forgiveness, and I think for anyone who's listening who's going through some challenging times, that's a really special lesson because at the time I would feel so cross with myself. I would feel so many difficult emotions. And actually to settle into, do you know, this is hard for everyone, it's hard for the kids, it's hard for me, it's hard for my husband, it's hard for the ex. I remember, you know, rationally knowing that, and I would tell myself that a lot. But then still, when you're experiencing those day-to-day situations in your home, such as some of the things that you outlined, it's really hard to not feel your cortisol rising and feel yourself getting angry.

Jackie: 13:18

Totally, totally. And I think a lot of the forgiveness isn't gonna happen until after, because in it, you're I mean, there's so many feelings of like, okay, I'm isolated, I feel stuck. I'm somebody that wants to like feel whatever I'm feeling and then release it and then make a change. You know, if if I'm angry, I want to feel the anger and then I want to find a solution so I'm not a victim, you know, and to feel like, okay, I'm actually feeling like a victim and I don't know how to move forward. That's really, really uncomfortable.

Katie South: 13:52

Yeah, definitely. How did you manage to get out of that?

Jackie: 15:04

Um, so what ended up happening was that I had like a family friend whose son had been to a wilderness program. I don't know if you've ever heard of these.

Katie South: 15:18

Yeah, I have heard of them. Are they kind of where kids go, it's almost like a camp, but they go out into the wilderness and they learn kind of survival type skills, teenagers.

Jackie: 15:27

Yeah, exactly. So it's like it's it's kids that are struggling in, you know, they with addictions or with, I mean, because we were kind of feeling like he had like a gaming addiction and like a computer addiction, as well as like the lying and stealing. And so they find a group of kids that have similar issues and they put them up in the mountains. Like he was in Utah in an isolated area in Utah.

Katie South: 15:51

And this is your friend's son.

Jackie: 15:53

This is my friend's son, yeah, exactly. And so he was um this particular kid, and it it ended up changing his life because they learn, they learn a lot of his skills on like survival skills, and then they end up learning how to like you know work together and they have to put up camp every night and they can't they hike the entire day. So it's pretty strenuous, but it's a lot of like feeling as if they're a part of a community in a group, and they get this sense of you know, feeling like people need them, that they're needed in this group. And so, anyway, long story short, I was suggested it to my husband for my stepson, and he, of course, was like, no, no, no, because to him it was admitting failure as a parent that he would need something like this. So it it was really hard because again, you know, I'm this stepmom that's like, Who am I? You know, and I'm trying to do all this research to find solutions because I don't like the way my life is going. And, you know, my husband's like, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this. And I'm thinking, okay, how how are we gonna get to the point where we're on the same page with this? Because I could see clearly that we were going down a really, really scary road with him.

Katie South: 17:04

And how old was he at this point?

Jackie: 17:07

He was only like 11. And it was like, okay, if this is where he is at 11, what's he gonna be like at 17? You know, what's he gonna be like at 18? I mean, it was it was scary to think like I have all these years still of him coming to our house and we're locking our stuff up. I mean, that that's not that can't last. Yeah, our marriage wouldn't be able to last, you know, there's no way. Anyway, so finally got to the point where he was like open to it, and we talked to people, you know, talked to more people that had gone through this process, and then we had to convince the ex-wife, and so finally she was on board, and my stepson went to this wilderness program and he was there for five months, and he experienced all different kinds of weather, and it's so amazing, Katie, because what they do is like they learn real time. Um what's the word? They learn, they learn how to like cause and effect, real time, I guess that that works. Where he was definitely wanting to say, like, no, I know solutions to this and I know the best way to do things. And you know, he'd never been in the wilderness like this. And so the boys around him would say, Hey, since it's gonna snow tonight, here's the way that you need to create your sleeping quarters. And he would say, No, I'm not gonna do it that way. I'm gonna do it my own way. And so they would say, All right, well, good luck with that. But we'll be cold. Yeah, so good luck. So he would he would try to do it his own way and he thought, like, oh, this is gonna be perfect. What happened is he got snowed on and his whole tent broke down and he woke up covered in snow and he was miserable. And so that was a perfect situation for him to realize, oh, wait, maybe I don't have all the answers. Maybe I need to, you know, have other people kind of share their experience. And so it was it was life-changing for him. It was life-changing.

Katie South: 19:00

That's amazing. And so for five months, because we don't have anything, I don't think, like that in the UK for that amount of time where people go off. So so he's 11, he's going into the wilderness for five months. Like, do they have an adult? Do they have school of in some sort? Like, how does that work?

Jackie: 19:21

Yeah, they do a little bit of schooling and then, but everything's outside. And that's the thing is people don't realize how healing nature is, you know, because the times when I've gotten really stressed with the kids and with the situation here, I mean, maybe you're similar. It's like just being able to go outside and take a walk and breathe and feel the air and just get, you know, really specific about the little things I'm noticing in nature. It it heals.

Katie South: 19:46

Yeah.

Jackie: 19:47

So 100% they have a therapist too, and they work through issues, but they're always sitting outside when they're doing it. So it's very calming.

Katie South: 19:55

Wow. And so he comes back to you after five months in the wilderness. What was that like?

Jackie: 20:02

So it was amazing to pick him up after five months. I mean, he was very dirty, and you know, it was like this whole different reality, you know, for sure, because he hadn't even been in civilization. They've survived through all these different months, and so he actually loved it. There's some kids that go into it and are like, you know, terrified and hating it, but he loved it. And then what they do a lot of times for a lot of these kids is they take them to um a therapeutic boarding school. And so he ended up going to a therapeutic boarding school in a different state after that. And that's like it's a really big deal. I mean, a lot of parents would be like, I would never do that. But when you have issues that nobody has solutions to, you know, sometimes it actually ends up working.

Katie South: 20:49

But I think you're right. I was talking with a woman yesterday, and we were saying your job is to raise functioning adults. Like it's not to be your kid's best friend because they're gonna have to go off into the world and live their own life and function as themselves. So sometimes the choices that you make for your kids that are the hardest, or I'll always say to my kids, all the things you hate me doing, I do because I care about you. Like I, you know, I don't enjoy making you eat your veg. I don't enjoy telling you to brush your teeth. I don't enjoy saying turn off screens and go outside. You know, it's not fun for me, but it's how old was he when he went off to boarding school?

Jackie: 21:26

He was about 12. Yeah. So, you know, he was young and then he was there like a year and a half. And so when he came back, the hard part for me was that, you know, his mom wanted to give him a phone right away. There was no restrictions. She has no concept of like setting boundaries. And so he kind of went right back into where he was at. But the thing that was helpful about it is the behaviors and everything have been very different. He's now 18. I mean, he just graduated high school. So he managed to, you know, get through school, which is like just really incredible because he had a really difficult time in school. So now it's like, oh my gosh, he did it. You know, it's really, really cool. So it made a huge difference. But I think still being in this role, because I was reflecting on this yesterday, and it's like, as I look back, I know there's so many times where I feel like I overstepped and I took on things that were not my job. I mean, they were not my kids, and it caused me to feel really resentful in a lot of ways, you know, resentful of the kids or resentful of my husband at different times. But then when I see kind of what happened, I'm grateful that I was able to convince my husband or I was able to kind of be a part of this to make a difference. Because honestly, I don't know if he would have had that opportunity. And I don't want to sound like, oh my gosh, I saved the day, but it was having somebody from the outside be able to see what was actually happening. And otherwise, I mean, he could have ended up in juvie if he hadn't had the opportunities, you know.

Katie South: 22:55

So I was just thinking when you were talking about him kind of graduating high school, and I was thinking, I I hope you've given yourself a little pat on the back along the way because it sounds like it was you instigating the wilderness as an idea and getting dad on board, and then him getting bio mom on board, and then you know, that being a massive turning point for him.

Jackie: 23:14

Yeah, yeah, it was. It was a big deal, and so you know, he still is his quirky little self, but I mean he's he's moving on in the world, and it's so amazing to see that. What's your relationship like with him now? I mean, he definitely prefers his dad, and he's he's a he's on the spectrum as well, which is totally fine. But I think for him, I'm somebody that you know asks too many questions and is too curious. And so I I try to tone that back and just you know, mention things and ask about things that he's very interested in. So it's good though. I mean, I don't I don't feel like he's taking anything from us, so I feel definitely more comfortable with him. My stepdaughter, too. It's like, you know, they've both had their own challenges. And I think what's just interesting is it's definitely bittersweet as they're starting to move towards becoming an adult. And I'm so grateful that I held on and got through that because some of it, honestly, and you probably know too, is like it's just the holding on and breathing and knowing that it's gonna get better. Because some of it is like there's just not a solution. And I really wish that I would have been able to tell myself that, my younger self, when I was feeling like everything was my fault or feeling like I should have done more. A lot of it's like just being able to hold space and send myself love and love them, even if I needed to be by myself for a little bit. But it's just, you know, knowing that it will, it will get better.

Katie South: 24:48

I feel that a lot, actually. And I think it sounds like we're quite similar in terms of wanting to fix, like see a problem, want to assess the options, then want to fix it, then want to move on. Like, I like to know whether it's at work or whether it's my family. I like to know that I'm making progress, like I'm doing, doing good in the world. And it was always the same with with my stepkids and with my own kids. And and it's hard when you can't have that impact because of the role that you play. Like it's hard. And I remember my own mum just saying to me, just breathe, just just just do sometimes. You just do nothing. You don't have to fix everything, just just do nothing. And then I kind of changed my approach and thought, well, do you know what? I I'm gonna just support my husband with what he wants to do. And it's not the way I would always do things, but actually it's it's a kind of much easier place to be to just support the way he wants to do things, and sometimes it's really hard, but you know, it it is easier, yeah. You mentioned your stepdaughter. So your stepdaughter was six when you came into her life, and and she's nearly 18 now. So how's that been?

Jackie: 25:54

It's such an interesting journey because so when my biological daughter was born three years ago, she's gonna be three now. Um, before that, I didn't have any kids, and so all of my maternal energy was going to these guys, like you know, like I want kids, you know, this is this is all I have. And they were 70 ounces, you know. So there was a lot of parts to it that were obviously kind of funny. So she ended up living at our house during the first year of my biological daughter's life. You know, before my biological daughter was born, it was really great to be able to give um my stepdaughter like one-on-one attention. She'd never gotten that because her mom will, at their house, she sort of hides away in her office for 10 hours at a time. Like she's super obsessive about whatever it is that she's doing. So she'll lock her door and the kids would always just have to play by themselves. That was their dynamic. And so there was always this feeling of guilt of like knowing that's how it was at their house, but then also the fear of having them live with us full time was like horrifying to me. And so then it felt like, oh, am I supposed to be the savior and have them live here, even though that sounds so hard. You know.

Katie South: 27:10

So I I think a lot of step moms find themselves in that dynamic where they kind of think, do you know what? I think the kids would fare a lot better if they were with us full time, but bloody hell, I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Jackie: 27:22

Totally. And you know, it's hard because everybody around us, I know this is a tangent, but everybody around us was saying, like, well, don't you think you guys should take them? And don't you guys think that this would be better for them? And it was like horrible to hear that because yeah, and yet I kind of wanted to just be married to my husband and not be taking on the mom role full time. I really didn't want that. And yet, hearing, you know, the time that they were having with her and how she was raising them, I mean, it was it was really tough. It was tough, and you feel neglectful. You feel like, okay, now we've neglected them as well as their mom, and they were adopted, you know. So there was like a couple of different parts to it that were like, oh they were adopted originally, they were. They have a lot of you know, feelings of neglect, I think, in general, and then they feel like their dad kind of neglected them, and so then just it it's it's a tough dynamic, and I think some of it is like it's not all one thing, you know, there's so many different pieces of of it.

Katie South: 28:25

I know there'll be people listening who feel like that, and it's really easy to fall into the trap, like you were saying, of feeling like, okay, their their biological mom's not up to scratch, so I've got to step in. And it and and it's really important to remember for anyone listening who's feeling like that, like it's not your fault that their mom isn't up to scratch or isn't hitting the bar. And whatever our bar is, everybody has their own space of where their bar is. So it's really hard to not get into that place of feeling like, okay, I've got to rescue the kids, I've got to rescue my husband, I've got to look after everybody, I've got to, like you say, swoop in and say for day. So tough.

Jackie: 29:03

Yeah, it really is. And and you know what? It's so it's so interesting that you would say that because I remember before my biological daughter was born, you know, I was spending all this time and energy and like trying to make up for this woman, you know, and trying to be the mother that they deserve and all this stuff. And then I had this really sad realization that even if the kids love how I'm showing up for them, at the very most, they're only gonna wish that their mom could show up more like that. They're not gonna want me instead. They're not gonna be like, oh, I guess Jackie's more of our mom, and wow, I'm so grateful for Jackie. They're gonna be like, why can't my mom do some of this stuff? So I'm never gonna be their mom, you know? And that was really hard for me when I didn't have kids because it was like, I have all this like maternal energy that's like pouring out of me. And it was just like, okay, I just need to have my own kid, probably.

Katie South: 30:02

Yeah, but hard as well. And I guess how often were they with you when they were younger?

Jackie: 30:08

When they were younger, um, we would see them during the week a couple of days, and then it would be like every other weekend. It was enough to where we would see them, but you know, she didn't teach them any rules or any boundaries, she didn't teach them any kind of chores. And so whenever they were here, it was hard. And I'm sure you know, your listeners and you can probably relate to this. It's like they were like guests, but then it was like, but you're here enough, so you're not really a guest. But you know, even putting their dishes away was like not something they would do. And so sometimes I would mention it, but then I don't want to be like the angry stepmom that's always noticing the problem. So then I would like turn my head and try to like ignore it and then hope that my husband would say something and he usually wouldn't notice. And so then it was like, okay, now I'm feeling again like the victim in my house, and I want to feel empowered in my house. And so, how do I feel empowered without coming across like I'm Controlling, you know, it's a lot of overthinking, right? Yeah. And it was exhausting because it's like, well, I don't want to live in a place where I'm feeling like I have to just turn my head and allow kinds of this kind of behavior to happen where I'm not feeling good about it, you know. And that's actually what a lot of it was. I mean, it would be blankets on our couch and they're rolling around in them. And then I look over and they're biting them and shredding them. And I'm like, what are you doing? You guys are 10 or you're 11. Like, come on, you know? It's hard when you're in it, though. It's like, what?

Katie South: 31:42

Yeah, yep, yep. And so you said like your husband didn't notice. So did you sort of raise those things with him? Yeah.

Jackie: 31:49

Oh, yeah. All the time. And so then what it would end up being would be me kind of taking him aside and being like, hey, you know, this stuff is happening. Cause I'd want him to be the deliverer, because he's the parent, you know. And then it felt like, okay, now he's only doing that because I told him to. So that feels kind of yucky. But then, you know, I think he ultimately really wanted me to speak up if I had an issue with it. But it was just, it's just confusing because I'm like, but then I'm always the stepmom that's having a problem. And then maybe, and then I would always turn it on myself, like, well, maybe I'm expecting too much. And maybe I, you know, I need to work on my issues and I need to be just more accepting and more loving of how they are. And so that's where some of the stuff, you know, where I ended up just kind of writing down these little lessons for myself of like, okay, this is not ideal at all. But what I'm gonna do is just separate myself from them and mentally separate myself from them and go and take a break and then sit down and just kind of send love. And I'm just gonna love them because I can't control the behavior and I can't turn them into what I think they should be. And that was a lot of, I mean, I'm sure they felt that of like me always wishing that they would show up differently than they were, which is really horrible to say. But you know, when you didn't raise, when you don't raise them, I would have made different choices in raising a kid. And now that I have my biological daughter, I get to, and I'm definitely humbled because there's decisions that she makes that I didn't I didn't choose for her. You know, she's her own person. But I definitely still get to parent her. And that's been a lot of change for me to just kind of sit back and say, okay, I'm just gonna love them as they are, and I'm gonna get through this somehow.

Katie South: 33:39

It's a wonderful piece of advice, but really hard to do it in the moment. So, how did you actually put that into practice?

Jackie: 33:50

So that's a good question. So, for an example, this is one of the things that I did do. I had a blanket. So, okay, just as a side note, when kids are adopted, I've done like a lot of research on this. When kids are adopted, there's certain there's certain um I hate to use the word issues, but there's certain things that can show up sometimes when a kid has been adopted. And so one of them is kids can um sort of accumulate things that aren't theirs and kind of make it theirs as a way of just sort of trying to find a home for themselves.

Speaker 1: 34:24

Yeah.

Jackie: 34:25

And so they would randomly collect stuff, both of them did this throughout our house that was not theirs. And you would look for it and not know where it was at, and then suddenly it would show up in their bedroom and it'd be like, Wait, how did this get here? You know? So I have this blanket that my mom had made for me when I was a kid, and it sort of just disappeared. Come to find out, my stepdaughter put it on her bed, and it was like, Oh, okay. And then I thought about it and I thought, you know, it's okay. Yeah, you can use that, that's fine. And you know, it was kind of flattering that she wanted to, and so it was okay. Well, then she ended up spilling paint on it, and I was so upset, it was devastating for me, and so I reacted really strongly and was like, I need to take this blanket, I don't think this is gonna come out. And I was pretty harsh. And then what I would do is I would come and spend a little time with myself and I would breathe. And my husband was mad with me, you know, but I would always say to him, I have to go back in. I have to go back in and I have to finish this conversation because I'm not gonna leave her thinking that I'm just pissed off and angry. That's not the way it's gonna be. So even if I was angry, I would go back to her. I would go back in her room and I would say and I would explain, hey, I felt really angry and I'm sorry that I used the tone that I used. I want you to know that I love you more than Miss Blanket and we're gonna figure this out together. And she would cry and I would cry, and it was like so connective. I mean, it really was. And it was it was wonderful to have that connection with her when she didn't get that from her mom. And even though I was upset, it would all go away when I would look at her in the eyes and say, you know what? I'm gonna come, I'm always gonna come back. I'm always gonna come back and we're gonna figure it out. And then I would leave feeling closer to her and feeling stronger and feeling like, okay, I can do this, you know. But that was always my my rule that I made for myself was to make sure that I went back.

Katie South: 36:27

It's so important. We talk sometimes about that repair moment. So and I think where a lot of issues can, and I know I've been guilty of this, is not actually talking about how I feel until I've had a mega blowout, and then it's kind of all out there, and everyone's like, Whoa, where did where did that come from? You know, letting things out as they come. And we talked to it with a parenting expert a well a couple of series ago, and she was saying, you know, take the lid off your steamer and just let a little bit of steam out at a time, but then you go back and you make the repair with the child. And actually, it's okay for you to be pissed off she spilt paint on a special blanket. That's annoying, and it's fine to be pissed off about it, but it's how you go back. I could see that felt emotional for you telling this story again.

Jackie: 37:11

It was, yeah. And because it's like now, as I look back, I mean, there were so many things that were hard. And a lot of the time, like I said, you know, my this is when my biological daughter was just being born, and I wanted this wonderful time with just her. And then there was also this teenager that I was trying to take on. And it was kind of, I mean, this is a weird analogy, I guess, but it was kind of like having a foster kid in your house because the way she had been brought up with her mom was vastly different. You know, her mom will let them from the time they were 10 have unlimited screen time anytime, all the time. They eat all their meals, you know, with their screen. They just sit in front of their screen hour upon hour. And so at our house, we were like, hell no, that's not happening. You know, so she was really uncomfortable being in our space. And I felt like I had to constantly be like monitoring or aware of what she was doing every minute because she'd been raised entirely differently. And so, you know, a lot of my wanting to just kind of cuddle my baby was interrupted by trying to parent somebody that I didn't know what to do.

Katie South: 38:20

It's really interesting how when you become a biological mother, you become aware of so many different emotions and different thoughts. And I think when you were talking about actually they do all these things at their mums with screens and eat all their meals with screens, and there's part of it that when you have your own biological child, you think, well, I don't want them becoming like that. I don't want them looking at their big sibling who they probably idolize and thinking, okay, well, that's a good way to be. Definitely. What's the relationship like now with your daughter and her siblings?

Jackie: 38:57

That's a great question. She, I mean, just like what you're saying, she idolizes them. And so whenever they come over, she's just like, you know, she just is so excited, especially my step, my stepdaughter. She just completely loves her. The hard part is like mealtimes, because they don't ever eat our food and they only like get, you know, fast food and bring it over. So then I'm like, oh gosh, you know, but whatever. I mean, they're not here that often, so it's okay. Anyway, she loves them, they don't feel the same way about her at all. And I understand because it's, you know, they're seeing their dad in a different role. And I think it's just so confusing for them in a lot of ways. And they're seeing, I think they're really seeing her get her needs met in a different way that they didn't. And it's okay that it's sad. I mean, my dad, I had a similar situation, so I can really understand where they're coming from. But my stepdaughter, I have a really good relationship with her, and part of it was because even when she lived at our house, from the time that my baby was born, I made it a point that every week I would go out with her alone because I was realizing that it was hard for me to focus and be present with her. And so I will take her, and my husband will take our baby, and I'll just be with her like an hour or an hour and a half. And she just tells me everything. I mean, I'm not her mom. And it's like such a precious relationship now because she'll tell me things that she would never tell her mom. And I'm like the cool aunt, in a way, you know, it's I'll buy her coffee and she'll talk to me kind of like I'm one of her buddies. And it's so wonderful. And I'm so grateful that I hung in there with her. And she even mentions that like she's so grateful that even when it was hard, I still always made time to do that. And that was really important to me to do that. Even when I was really pissed off at her, it was like, I don't want to do it this week, you know. And yet when I sat in the car and we start driving away, we instantly are in a different space. And so it's it's a really great relationship now.

Katie South: 41:10

That's so lovely. And it's interesting that actually talking about her mom not giving her what she needs, it's really nice for her that she's found that in you. Thank you.

Jackie: 41:20

Yeah, it's it's cool. It feels it feels cool and it feels like it's kind of this full circle of, oh my gosh, it's like when she was a little kid and she just really wanted to be near me, and we've kind of gone through so much. So it's it's really a neat relationship now.

Katie South: 41:36

You mentioned earlier that you had you you said something like, Oh, and I sort of wrote down these lessons as I went along. What advice would you give as somebody who's been through the really difficult times and come out at the end?

Jackie: 41:49

Yeah, so I did. I would start writing down a lot of lessons. Um, and that's what I ended up kind of like putting into a book of just like these weekly reminders. In a lot of ways, I mean, there is no solutions. You know, you can you can buy all kinds of books of ways that you should be, but every dynamic is different. There's a lot of them that are really just about being able to breathe, being able to forgive yourself. The only two that were kind of more action items of lessons that I've learned are making sure that I have alone time with them. Because when I have alone time with them, then I instantly feel more connected to them. And then another one that I realized was when we were in the thick of things that were so difficult, I have a problem of wanting to keep talking about it over and over again with my husband. Oh, we gotta keep, we gotta keep talking about it. And both of us would be so sick of each other, probably, that it was just really unhealthy for our relationship. And so what we started doing is we would have a time limit for the difficult conversations that we knew we had to have, but he didn't want me to keep going on and on about. So it'd be like, we're literally gonna set the timer and we have 10 minutes and we're just gonna sort of hash this out. And then when the timer rings, we're gonna talk about something else that feels better. So there was a lot of wonderful lessons. And as I look back, I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, it was stuff that I still had to continuously practice, but it was nice to be able to kind of capture those when they were happening because there has been so many wonderful lessons, even though the the whole relationship and the dynamic has been really difficult, it's definitely deepened me as a human and the way that I see people and how I can be compassionate towards other people in situations that are really, really tough.

Katie South: 43:41

It's so true, and I think even when you have the hard journey, you get so much from it. Jackie, I love talking to you. I'm absolutely gutted that our conversation has to finish. But it's been such a pleasure to talk to you, and thank you for getting up early to talk to me.

Jackie: 43:57

Oh, of course, it's been awesome. So nice to see you in person.

Katie South: 44:02

Well, hopefully we'll talk again soon because I have a whole load of other questions I wanted to ask you anyway.

Jackie: 44:07

Awesome, yeah, I would love to.

Katie South: 44:11

I could have talked to Jackie all day long. There were so many things that she said that I really, really connected with, and I loved what she said about just sending love. So sometimes it's so difficult and we are faced with so many tough situations. It can be really, really tempting to want to try and fix everything and then feel frustrated when you can't and guilty when your fixing goes wrong. So look, if you've tried everything, just maybe try Jackie's method and just send love. Sometimes that's the best that we can do. If you're finding things tough and want to do something to help yourself, then get yourself to stepmumspace.com where you can see if the Stepmum Space workshop or coaching programmes are for you. And you can reach me via email through the site or on the socials at Stepmum Space with any questions. You'll also find the forum there, which is free to join and available 24-7, so get yourself there and meet other Stepmums, chat, solve problems together. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do rate or review wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps other women find us, and as you know, I am so passionate about offering this support. If you've got a story you'd like to share, please get in touch via the website stepmumspace.com or on the socials at Stepmum Space. I'll be back next week with another news story. See you next time.