Stepmum Space

Episode 44: “I Felt My Needs Came Second to the Ex”: Charlotte’s Stepmum Story

• Katie Harrison

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For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com

Episode Summary

In this episode, Katie speaks with Charlotte — a stepmum to a little girl — about the heartbreak of wanting more time, more connection and more space to love… but not being able to.

Charlotte adores her stepdaughter. She wants to be involved, present and part of her world. But right now, that isn’t possible — and it hurts. She opens up about the quiet grief of being left out, the sting of feeling second best, and the emotional tightrope she walks between her partner and his ex.

This is a tender, validating conversation about the emotional cost of loving a child you can’t fully show up for — and the invisible pain stepmums often carry alone.

In This Episode We Explore

  • What it feels like to love a child you don’t have full access to
  • The emotional toll of feeling sidelined in your own relationship
  • How loyalty binds between homes leave stepmums feeling stuck
  • Why feeling “second best” isn’t personal — it’s structural
  • The grief stepmums experience when they want to love more than they’re allowed
  • What happens when your partner’s past overshadows your present
  • How to protect your emotional wellbeing when you’re walking on eggshells
  • The difference between loving a child and having a place in their world

These themes mirror the highest-search pain points stepmums look up when they feel excluded, invisible or overwhelmed.

If This Resonates
For personalised strategies, emotional tools and stepmum-specific support, book a free introductory coaching call:
https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s approach and experience:
 https://www.stepmumspace.com

Who This Episode Is For

  • Stepmums who feel left out or “second place”
  • Women struggling with ex-partner dynamics
  • Anyone loving a child they can’t fully bond with
  • Stepmums walking on eggshells in their relationship
  • Listeners carrying grief, confusion or emotional exhaustion
  • Anyone searching for real, honest stepmum stories

Keywords
struggling stepmum, stepmum support, feeling left out as a stepmum, stepmum boundaries, stepmum and ex dynamics, stepmum podcast, stepmum emotional wellbeing, second best in stepfamily, stepmum grief, stepmum validation, stepmum relationship challenges

Helpful Links
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You’re not alone. Your love is real, your role matters, and your feelings deserve space.

Support the show

Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone, where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. You can find plenty more support and ways of connecting with other Stepmums on the website www.stepmumspace.com. Now, you lovely lot, I hope by now you've all voted for Stepmum's Face in the British Podcast Awards. If you haven't, then why on earth not? This is probably the last time I'll ask you, but please do head to www.brishpodcastawards.com forward slash voting and enter Stepmum's Space and then confirm your vote via the link which will be sent to your inbox. The whole thing should take less than two minutes and I'd be forever grateful. Now my guest today is Charlotte. Charlotte is a stepmum to a young girl and she got in touch with me during a tricky time. She'd found the show really, really comforting to her and was keen to share her story. And I know there's a lot in here which people will identify with. So let's get into it. So Charlotte, thanks ever so much for joining us today. Thank you for having me. It's very nice to see you. How are you doing this week? Yeah, not too bad. Not too bad. It worked this evening, but not too bad. Thanks so much for getting in touch. As always, would you like to share a little bit about your family to kick off?

Charlotte:

Yeah, so me and my partner have been together for nearly three years and we were friends prior to getting into our relationship as we played for the same football team. She has a four-year-old, nearly five-year-old little girl with her ex-partner. The ex-partner is Bio Mum, and we have her on a Saturday, on a Saturday day, and my partner goes to see her at the Bio Mum's house three times a week due to the travelling and not being at the stage of the overnight yet.

Katie South:

So Bio Mum lives a little bit of a way away from you guys.

Charlotte:

Yeah, about about a 40-minute drive. So not awful, but also by the time my partner finishes work, obviously there's not many hours left before a four-year-old goes to bed.

Katie South:

You're saying she doesn't stay at your house overnight yet?

Charlotte:

No, we don't. It was a bit of a slow burner to begin with, anyway. I wasn't able to see the little girl for about a year of us being together, which was really bizarre because we were actually all friends prior to us getting together. So I had met the little girl numerous times whilst being at football games and football socials and events like that. So it was a bit weird to then, not that she would have known who I was because she was a baby baby. Um, but then to actually not being allowed to see her was tough and for that much of a long period as well.

Katie South:

Yeah, and I guess if she must have been nearly two when we first got together. I guess there's more of a story to that than the simple, oh, she's not able to stay over. So you, your partner, and your partner's ex were all friends. So did you know your partner's ex?

Charlotte:

I only knew my partner's ex because of my partner, um, because of of football. So obviously, she used to come to the games. Um, and we would talk, we could have a conversation, we could have a laugh, um, which maybe make it worse on one foot than the other. And my partner's ex was actually it came to light that she actually was jealous of mine and my partner's friendship back then. So I think the fact that it obviously led to more, I think, probably was a bit of a kick in the teeth.

Katie South:

If you don't mind me asking, did your partner and her ex split up before you guys, or was it a leave?

Charlotte:

Yeah, no, there was no there was no overlap as much as the ex is convinced that there was. There was not. I was in a relationship myself until about the August time, and then we got together in the October. So, yes, it was very quick and very soon, um, but there never was an overlap. When we both had a conversation and said, like, we would, you know, respect the boundaries. And we had a conversation right at the start. And I said to her, like, this is too soon, you you know, you just lay it out on the table. There's no point wasting each other's time or hurting each other when we can just say let's hold off. If you've got stuff to deal with, then I respect if you've got stuff to deal with.

Katie South:

So you moved into the new relationship, I guess. Thinking, well, I've met the ex, we got on okay, even though we weren't friends, I've met the kid. This maybe will be quite easy.

Charlotte:

Yes and no, in the sense of my partner now would obviously come to me with their relationship problems when they were having problems, and they were having problems probably for about the last two years of their relationship. And it was my partner that ended the relationship. And the ex, I don't know how, obviously, that's my opinion, but didn't like this was completely out of the blue for her. She didn't understand why. She didn't, they thought they she thought they were fine, she didn't quite understand where this was coming from. So I think it took and I think she had started to suss out maybe something was going on once they had broken up anyway. So then I think the hatred from the jealousy of the friendship, it was kind of almost I told you so, for her to be able to say to my partner. And I I always knew that I wouldn't necessarily maybe see my partner's daughter straight away because obviously I'm very much with the same. I wouldn't introduce my children to every person that you're speaking to because you never know where it's going to go or how long it's going to last. But towards the end of that first year, it was it was getting tedious.

Katie South:

What was the reason given by biomum for you not being able to see the daughter?

Charlotte:

In all fairness, it was biomum and probably my partner as well, played a fact in the sense of we don't know how long this is going to last, we don't want to get really, really close and then all of a sudden you're gone. My partner and biomum didn't want people in and out of their daughter's life. Yeah, fair enough. You know, I completely respect. But as I say, that the year, the year took its toll nearer the end.

Katie South:

What what sort of difficulties did you come up against?

Charlotte:

Part of my argument was she's not going to understand that we're in a relationship. We're not a very PDA couple. We're both females. So what is the difference between me and you hanging out with her than by a mum and a friend hanging out with her? Two-year-olds don't understand the complexity and the ins and outs of who's in a relationship with who, even if it was a male and a woman. I don't think they would necessarily, unless you're, you know, obviously kissing and everything in front of them, they're not going to understand just two people hanging out.

Katie South:

And to be fair, most of the male-female couples that we talk about, the step-mum will say, Oh, well, I was just dad's friend for a while, so the child could get to know me before. So, really, there's there's no difference, right? Many battles. When it became apparent that actually there was more to Biomum's story, let's say, than I don't want partners in and out of my child's life. How did your partner handle that?

Charlotte:

I think to a degree she agreed, because obviously we were early days as well, so we didn't know whether this was going to be a long-term relationship. But then I think as it got more real, I suppose, and the feelings became more apparent and more deeper, I guess. You know, I said to my partner, you know, when when can this happen? Because if this is for the long haul, then are you gonna have that conversation? Are you just gonna barge your time? Like, what what are you going to do? And she just she's very much about, oh, I'll I'll work it out, I'll work it out. So it was very much biting my tongue for a while. It did finally happen. And when it did happen, my partner basically just went to go pick her daughter up one day and just said, Charlotte's meeting her today, and this is how it's happened, and this is what we're doing.

Katie South:

Okay, and how was the ex at that point?

Charlotte:

I was obviously I wasn't physically there, and I obviously asked, you know, what did she say? And then she said, Well, what can she say? I'm there, I'm taking her, it's it's happening.

Katie South:

Yeah, and I mean they're both the parents, right? You have to trust the other person with who they introduce and when. Did the ex ever try and withhold any contact or was it just uh conversation?

Charlotte:

No, she didn't. She can have her, she can have her moments, and my partner will text throughout the day and say, How is she? Did she sleep okay? And you know, their the replies are yeah, she's fine, yeah, she's asleep. So it's very, very one-way conversation kind of thing. I've had conversations before with my partner say I don't understand necessarily why you need to text as much as you do. I'm not saying you can't ask about your daughter, but on days, certain days that she's at nursery, bio mum doesn't even know how she is because she's not there.

Katie South:

What was the parenting setup when they were together then? Did the ex do more of the childcare? And that's why she m retained sort of full or the majority of the childcare?

Charlotte:

Yes, my partner basically played this awful sort of the stereotypical male figure role. Um and she went back to work, and biomum obviously stayed at home with their daughter, and that's how that and that's how it was. And it was that she stayed at home and my partner went out to work. I do worry because obviously you hear stories and family members tell you things, and you you never you obviously you take everything with a pinch of salt because you were never actually, you know, there and then at that time. But from what I've heard and from what I can work out with my partner's behaviour, it was very much by mum taking control, even when my partner was there. So if my partner had offered to change the nappy, give a bottle, it would be no, no, no, it's fine, I've got it. No, no, no, it's fine, I'll do it. So I think she was quite belittled, I don't know if that's too harsh in parenting. Because when we first got together, and even when we were friends, she said, no more kids, no more kids, no more kids. And for me, that's a big deal breaker. So we did have to have that conversation quite early on, lightheartedly early on. But I just said, like, if this is something that you definitely know that you do not want, then you need to tell me because it's not fair. I'm wasting your time, you're wasting my time. Like it's let's nip it in the bud before it gets too ugly.

Katie South:

Yeah, quite so children something that you see in your future with your partner.

Charlotte:

Yes, it is, yeah.

Katie South:

Yeah, so she's pivoted a little bit on it, yeah.

Charlotte:

And then a few months ago, we did actually have a bit more of a serious conversation about it because I was like, right, okay, yes, we're three years deep. I probably don't want them for about another 18 months to two years. So we have got time, but obviously in a same-sex couple, it's not the same as just you go into bed and you can wake up potentially pregnant. Um, you need some extra help. So, and I said to her, So I'm you know, I'm not saying from tomorrow we must start saving this is what happens, we can't ever treat ourselves because we need to save. Like, I'm not I'm not saying that at all. Um, I just need to know if you seriously actually want to do this because as much as I love my partner, she's a people pleaser. So she will tell people what they want to hear when they need to hear it. And I said, if it's something that you actually don't want, then I need you to tell me that it's not what you want. I because I said, Because I would never force you into having another child if that's not what you can see happening in your future, but you know that that's something that I do want.

Katie South:

Yeah, and you know, that's fair enough because it's a massive thing, isn't it? I remember I said to my now husband really early on, actually, because he's he kind of said to me, it's like a really romantic moment. He was like, So what do you want for your future? And I thought, okay, well, but this is something really important. Shit, shall I say it? Shall I put it out there or is it too soon? Like, and I was like, Oh, fuck it. I'm in my 30s, I'm just gonna say it. And I said, I'd love to have more children. And he was like, I'd love to have a baby with you. And I was like, Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, you know, like when your heart's doing those flip flops, it was so bad. I look back now and I think, I can't believe I just put it out there, but maybe I don't know, you you as you get older, like you just think, what's the point in yeah, pissing around with somebody if you know you want really different things and games.

Charlotte:

Yeah, and that's what I mean. I didn't want you to think you know, five, six years down the line, and all of a sudden I say, Okay, like I would like to start trying, or like looking into it, and she turns around and goes, uh yeah, no. And as well, I see it as she's she's nine years older than me. So she's just turned 35 this week to scone. So I'm 26 in November. So at the moment it's 10 years, but nine years. And I said to her, I was like, you know, you're I said without sounding horrible, you're getting older. What's your cutoff off in the sense of when do you then not want a screaming baby in your house? Not that they get any easier, but you know, what age do you want to not have to do, you know, read because obviously by that time her daughter will be maybe seven or eight, that's starting all over again. You know, things change all the time. So I said, no, no, that's something that we both need to consider. Yes, okay, I'll be that much younger than you, but if you're not wanting that baby phase and that toddler stage and the toddler tantrums and all of that all over again, I'm basically I'm pretty sure her eighty role would probably give her attitude at the time, then anyway. Yeah, but we need to know basically. So you just need to tell me.

Katie South:

So going into it, you know, when you became a stepmum, you're somebody who likes children, wants children in your future. How did you feel about becoming a stepmum in the beginning?

Charlotte:

It's really difficult. I'm a pediatric nurse, so children obviously do not phase me at all. I love them, I think they're great. Stepmum is a really touchy word in our house, which is really ironic, bearing in mind her family, both sides have remarried, and she has no issue with calling her stepmum mum. But when I, because I made a joke on this Mother's Day, I say a joke, there was a little bit behind it, and said, Would I ever get a card? I said, I don't mean that in a I must have one, it's my day, at all, like at all. But when does it ever will that stage ever happen? Like if we then have a child and this child's calling me mum and your daughter now, his them calling the why are they and calling you mum that that's going to be, you know, who's who's who's mum kind of thing? And she just said, Well, you know, it's it's too it's too early. And I said, Okay, that's fine. She was like, Why did you think I was going to get you a card? And I was like, Well, no, I'm not saying that, but even just like I've seen before, and I think it might have been on your page where people get like a thank you or you're appreciated. And I just think that's a different way, but a nice way of acknowledging it.

Katie South:

It's that feeling of feeling appreciated and acknowledged, yeah.

Charlotte:

Yeah, and I think that's probably one of the do the things I do find the hardest because when her little girl comes over, my partner's very much off, like she's not girly girly, but she she can be girly when she wants to be, but normally she she wears the trousers basically. So, and her little girl is the girliest of girls, makeup, barbies, the lot. And my partner always jokes around. You want to play football? She just picks up and throws it. She's not interested in football. And when she comes over, we'll be playing Barbies, I'll paint her nails, and then it's that awkwardness. If we go to soft play, if we go out, we go swimming, she asks for me rather than her. Oh, the little girl asks for you rather than your partner. My partner will make she'll make a little dig, and I know she's joking because I've then serious asked her seriously outside of the situation.

Katie South:

Yeah.

Charlotte:

And I said, It makes me feel bad. I said, 'cause I do encourage her, I said, no, no, come on, join it like, and it's a long story, but it's a she calls her dadda, which her brother started. So my partner's actually known as Dada. So I'll always say, Come on, let's get Dada to go down with you, done the slide, or let's get Dada to paint your nails. And she'll say, No, no, no, you, you, you, you. So I feel bad. I mean, I love it, don't get me wrong, but I feel bad on my I feel I don't want my partner to feel like the time, the day, the full day that we have her is that I'm taking over.

Katie South:

That's an unusual dynamic. And it's I, you know, I wonder whether there's a part of your partner that's pleased about it.

Charlotte:

Yeah, that that thought has gone through my mind. I mean, many thoughts have gone through my mind about it all. But I just find it so difficult to at the beginning, especially, I found it very difficult that she was going to her in the week, especially when nobody knew about us. I say nobody, the bio mum didn't know about us, because I said, I feel like you're going over there, you're playing happy families, then you're coming home to your piece on the side, basically. And I was like, and that's how it feels. I said, I know it's not like that, and I said, but that's how it feels.

Katie South:

Yeah, and that's so common for in the beginning when Bio Mum doesn't know about the new relationship, for it to be a secret, and you feel you do, you feel like you're doing something wrong, but obviously you're not. It's yeah, it's not comfortable. So you guys have been together now three years, and still your partner goes over three times a week to her exes. How's it now?

Charlotte:

I can see by your face there's a story. I I mean there's no way around it because we don't have her overnight. Um, she starts school in September, and there's no especially I mean, summer's easier because she'll take her to the park, so she's not necessarily sat in the house for those hours. But I just I just find it really difficult, and I always say to her, you know, she says to me, like, come on, it's been I'm going to see my daughter, I'm not going to see my ex. And I I understand that, and I'm not I'm not going to say turn around and say to you, you can't go there. Like that's ridiculous. But at the same time, I'm then again sat at home waiting for you to come home after having you know a nice evening, yes, with your daughter, but your ex is also present because I've said to her you you wouldn't deal with that if that was me and the shoe was on the other foot, you couldn't you could not do that. And yes, I could, yes, I could. I'm telling you now, you could not. It's not easy. It's not easy. And does your partner's ex go out, or like how does that work?

Katie South:

Because I've had friends in first marriages who have split up, and until they've got things sorted, one of the couple has visited the children in the home. But as soon as they've got somewhere else to live, that's stopped happening. But when it has been happening, the friend who's still in the home has sort of left, if you see what I mean, to give the she'll be there.

Charlotte:

So my partner says sometimes she'll go upstairs and work. She worked from home. So sometimes she's just left, obviously, with her daughter downstairs or playing in the garden or whatever they're doing. And she said, Well, sometimes they'll just be sat in the living room because she lives, she had to go back with her mum. So it was her mum, her mum is there as well. Which I don't know, I don't know if that makes it worse or or better. But it's just, I feel like my partner has not quite let go, bearing in mind the timing, has not let go that the family dynamic is no longer her, her daughter, and her ex. Yes, you had a family together. I mean, oh you know, I can't take that away from you, it's happened, it's done. But the family dynamic that that's not there anymore without sounding horrible. And then when we have her daughter here, the family dynamic is me, her, and her daughter. That's that's that's it. That's not I to me, I just I almost feel like she's sometimes clutching at straws with trying to keep that family dynamic right because she doesn't want to upset the ex any more than what she has. But there's been so many, many, many things that I found really, really tough. So once we were going out after a sat after dropping her home on a Saturday, and it was basically past, we would have to drive past the ex's house anyway to get to where we were going. And for ages I wasn't allowed to go in the car to drop her home in case she saw me, because that's rubbing it in the ex's face. My partner. And then the one time, the first time that I went, they live off a high street and there's a Costa, and we got she didn't say anything to me. And as soon as we got to the high street, she was like, Oh, why don't you jump out and get a costa? I'll drop her back and then I'll come get you. I said, So you're kicking me out of the car, I don't even want a costa, you're kicking me out of the car just so she doesn't see me through potentially through a window.

Katie South:

And this is at the point where she knows about your relationship, so it's not new news. Because it's so difficult, isn't it? Because nobody wants to deliberately upset somebody else. But generally, if you have a choice between upsetting your partner or upsetting your ex, unless your partner's been completely unreasonable, you would probably choose to upset your ex.

Charlotte:

Well, this is what I said, and I said, I don't understand how you would rather argue with me or upset me for us to then lead to an argument than that upset somebody who you're not in a relationship with and you don't live with. I feel like there's no logic there.

Katie South:

I mean, is she concerned that the ex will withhold contact?

Charlotte:

So I think her biggest fear, and I don't think she would ever admit it, but I think her biggest fear is that if she upsets her or does something to rock the boat, she'll turn around, okay, you're not seeing her. Which in within everything that the ex has said and done, I generally don't believe that she would do that. I don't. And my partner said if she ever did do that, she would say, Okay, then let's go to court.

Katie South:

And can I ask, it's possibly an ignorant question. Same-sex couples and birth certificates, how do they get written up? And how does parental responsibility So it is 50-50?

Charlotte:

They use um IBF. As long as they come to the initial consultation and sign basically like an agreement that you're in it together, it's 50-50. Okay. So yeah, it's the same. So they have the same, exactly the same parent rights, which is again another one of my arguments in the sense of you know, you because she has a niece and a nephew who one is the nephew of similar age to her daughter, and the nieces too, and there's a always competition of who's the favourite grandchild and who's not, and all of this. And my partner always says, I think people forget that I'm a parent, also, and then it's things like that where I'm like, well, then be one. Not in the sense of directly to your daughter, but in the sense of to when it comes to, for example, I'm not allowed, I haven't been allowed to a birthday party.

Katie South:

Because Bio Mum said that or because your partner said that? Bio mum has said that. It's a really difficult one, isn't it? So she says, okay, you're not allowed to a birthday party. I guess your partner is automatically then in a really difficult position, yeah, but chooses to say, don't come. It's so difficult because I can see, like, I remember with my son who I share with my ex, and he has a partner, and I remember in the beginning when she started coming to birthday parties, finding it hard. Nothing to do with my ex, nothing to do with her, actually. It was more like a reminder that you have to share your kid, which isn't what you thought was gonna happen. But I definitely never said no, they can't come. I just remember finding it hard and kind of trying to unpick with myself, well, I don't want to be with him, so what the fuck's my problem? Like, and I want him to be with them and have a nice time, but it's just complicated. But the kind of no, they can't come, especially because you guys have been together now three years, feels a bit over the top. I mean, is the ex still hung up on the relationship or is the ex finding it hard to share her child? Because there's two, there are two different things.

Charlotte:

I I wouldn't have a clue because she's will have no contact with me at all. And I think this year birthdays, her birthdays in January really tipped me over the edge because the little girl had asked me, Are you coming to my birthday party? Or she said, because she didn't know that my partner was going, so she said, I'm really sad that you two aren't coming to my party. And I said, Um, Dad is going, but Dad is going, it's fine. And then she said to me, Um, but you're working, aren't you? And I thought, No, but you've been told that because you wouldn't know that. And agree to disagree, I don't know. I turned around and said, Oh no, I'm not working. And then she said, I said, Why are you not coming? I want you there. And I just said, Because I'm not allowed. Whether that was the wrong thing to do, whether that was the right thing to do, I I don't know. My partner believed it was the wrong thing to do. And she said, Why? And I said, Because mummy won't let me. Because I felt betrayed that you can lie to your daughter just because you don't want me there. Like to me, that's beyond me. Just I I just I don't and I just find it so difficult to comprehend. And every time I have a conversation with my partner about it, it's like, well, she's the mother of the child, and I'm but so are you. But so yeah, I was just gonna say that. Like a kid has two parents. Yeah, so when my partner because my partner did say, can Charlotte come to the birthday party? And by a mum said, No, I don't want her there. And would you ever ha just have two parties? I spoke to family members about this and they said, Well, why don't you just do something for her instead? Um, like at your house. Just invite the family over and you to celebrate it instead, rather than being at the birthday party. And I I'm just right, it's more of the principle because you know, my partner said she probably wouldn't even, you know, you'd probably get a wave if that as she said, because she barely even spoke to me because she's so busy with her friends. I said, granted, I I get that. I'm not expecting her to pick pick me and play with only me. Like, I'm not naive when a child's around their friends, they don't care what you're doing. But I think it's more of the principle and it's the control that biomum still has over my partner, and they're not even together.

Katie South:

Yeah, and it's not even-I mean, the the kind of going to visit multiple times a week is a lot, especially three years after separating. I'm curious as to why your stepdaughter still doesn't have overnights.

Charlotte:

Actually, earlier on this year, she had um she had been to the doctors, and there's a queer autism over uh her. She has lots of difficulties with eating, and she's very, very close to biomum. Very close. Um, and it got to the point where biomum can even leave the room without her following her or like a you know, like a baby would if you put them down. And it's just part of me thinks my partner thinks she's not ready because I think she knows it's going to be tough the first time. And I don't think she wants her daughter's experiences with her to be negative because she already doesn't see her enough.

Katie South:

Totally. That's something that we, you know, we hear a lot from the parent who isn't there as much that they just want everything to be brilliant because the child's not with them all the time. So it and like life's not brilliant all the time. There we all have to do things that are boring and a bit shit, but that's life. I I don't know too much about autism, but I I I I guess I'm wondering if the autism query is a mask for the conversation that your partner doesn't want to have.

Charlotte:

I I 100% agree. And I, you know, obviously I don't have my own biological children, but personally, I would have done it the sleeping over when she was a little bit younger. That you don't without sounding corporate, not that you're forcing somebody, but that you don't have a choice. This weekend you're going here, this weekend you're there, because then you get into a routine and that's all they know. So then they're not all of a sudden one day going to say, Oh, I don't want to do that.

Katie South:

That's something that comes up time and time again. Because I know with my son, when me and his dad split up, we had a routine very, very, very set. Every week was the same. I mean, alternate weekends, but the week routine was the same. And like, I think we've changed a day maybe once when one of our working patterns changed, but really for 11 years it's been the same. And I know, and actually, me and my ex had a chat about it the other day because I was saying, you know, our son's 13 as he gets older, because we live pretty close. He might want a bit more agency over where he goes. So, like, you know, I know sometimes the little kids here probably get on his nerves, and he might think, I'd really like to go to my dad's, it's peaceful. Equally, I know he says sometimes he's at his dad's and he's like, Oh, it's a bit boring, I'd like to be with the little kids. So you kind of think as they get older, they will naturally have more choices. But I agree with you, when they're young, you know, unless it's a really difficult situation with the child struggling to settle, which it doesn't sound like there is because it sounds like she's happy when she's with you.

Charlotte:

Yeah, I think it's the eating factor as well, as like that's a that we're like that's a big, big struggle um for her, and it's an ongoing issue. And biomum has been, you know, chasing doctors as everybody is for referrals and dietitians and things like that. We'll get her to have lunch with us if we're lucky, but to try and have a to have a sit-down meal like for a dinner is a different ball game. And it's just I don't know how else to approach my partner. I've tried I've tried every I feel like I've tried every approach possible. I've been I've done the nice approach, I've done the this is how this makes me feel sad. How can we change this? I've done the angry approach, I've done the I don't care approach, I've I feel like I've done everything. And then when we were having a big argument over the birthday party, um I said, Well then I'm gonna start putting myself away because I feel like I'm only convenient when it's convenient for her. I'm don't I don't want to just be pick and chosen when it's convenient for me to be then when it's not, you know. And I even especially with the easy thing, I even said to my partner, get a list from buy and mum, and I will purposely make sure that whatever of what she eats, or whatever, whenever she's with us, it's in the house. Whenever I do our food shop, I purposely go up my way to buy the stuff that's on this list. And I just feel like I'm giving, I'm giving, I'm giving, I'm giving. And if I say to my partner, like, can you not understand where I'm coming from? Well, oh yeah, I do get it, but what about at the end of the day? And she can be she can be hurtful and she can she's very short hot headed, so she'll be like, Well, she's she's not your child at the end of the day. Granted, yes, I did not birth her, but also because I then I said, Well then what happens when we have a child that will be her sibling. Like, what then? I should well that's that'll be different then. And I'm a bit I want to overcome these hurdles way before we even bring another child into the world. The last thing I once you've just had a baby is then the stress of a a an ex and not being allowed to do things, not being allowed to go place and do things just because she said no. And we had a conversation quite recently actually. Actually, and I just said I don't because she said you need you just need to let it go, this whole situation. Because I'm I will hold my hands up and I'm very guilty of making little shitty comments and said you need to stop with the comments. Like I can't keep doing the comments. And I just said, But I don't understand why I like it's been three years now. To me, that's long enough. This is clearly not just a little fling, we're not just having a little bit of fun. We live together, we've got a house together. We talk about the future, you know, we talk about future plans, we talk about all the things that we want to do and where we want to go. And so I don't understand why I have to get over it just like that. Whereas the ex doesn't, the ex doesn't just go over it like that because she's been caught in the shots for three years. So clearly she's not over it. So then why do I have to be? And I think that's the first time I've said, Why do I have to be and she doesn't? Like, why is it one rule for her and one rule for me? And in France, my partner didn't actually have a lot to say to that.

Katie South:

Yeah, and the the shitty comments I think, and a lot of the women listening will probably be able to relate to. And it's a mask, it's a mask for somebody who's in pain and like you say, sad and fed up of a situation and feeling pushed out, and you lose your own sense of power because you feel like your life's being dictated by other people. So all you end up with is words and digs and those things, which you're right, they're not helpful, but it's so hard when you feel out of control of so much, and I think difficult for you because were your partner to say, Do you know what, ex? I want to have our daughter, you know, more whatever plan was feasible, and she said no, your ex can go, okay. Well then we go to court, and like you say, they've got equal parenting rights. Your ex would get probably what she wanted. She would probably get more than what she wanted. And then she'd really need you.

unknown:

Yeah.

Charlotte:

Yeah. I just feel like I am slowly banging my head against the wall, and it I'm making my relationship sound awful, and it's it's not, and I feel bad for even saying, like, you know, why are you together? It's that bad. And I just it's not, it's not, you know, and it's not we get on like a house on fire, you know, we've just been away for the weekend, and literally all we took was some cards, a bat on a ball, and we literally sat on the beach, we went to Cornwall, and that's us entertained. Like we're we're so easily pleased, we don't need the lot, we don't need a big, big, expensive holiday or restaurant or things like that. We're very, like I said, very easily pleased, and it's just that one I say small thing, but it's not a small thing because your daughter's just not gonna go away.

Katie South:

It feels like as she gets older, it could potentially get more complicated. Yeah. If the visiting thing is still happening.

Charlotte:

And that's what part of me, you know, and I've said when I, you know, when I did say to her, it might have been the last birthday, because I wasn't obviously allowed to that one either. Um and I think that's when I said, I'm gonna pull myself away. Like when you have her, I'll see her one Saturday out of the four in the month, if that without being her, and she was like, Well, the only person you're gonna hurt by doing that is her. Okay, then the only person you're allowing by a mum to her is also her. Because what's the difference in me putting myself away from my own mental health than well now? I found out that she's lied because she said I was at work, which I wasn't working. I don't want my stepdaughter to think that I don't want to be there. You know, these exciting birthday parties, you know, she starts school and I said to my partner, you know, like when it's sports day or in a nativity, they always do two showings, they'll be an afternoon showing, you know, and an evening or morning and an afternoon. She does dance, she had a dance show the other week, and it's just small things like that that we talk about when she's here. And whenever she's here, I when it was half term, I say, Did you have great fun with mummy? Did you have such a good time? What did you do? And regardless of what's going on behind closed doors to a four-year-old, when she is here, I will speak like this woman is my best friend. You know, I will say, You're so lucky. I bet you and Mummy have so much fun when it's time to go home. Sometimes she doesn't want to because she's busy playing. I'll be like, Mummy, mummy wants to see you, I wonder what you and mummy are up to tonight. And I full well know that is not reciprocated. I don't think it's even reciprocated for my partner. Like the fact that she didn't know that her other parent was going to her birthday party. It's obviously not I know you don't want to sit there and talk about your ex all the time, but a comment every now and then saying, Oh, they'll be so proud of you, or we can we can show them when they come over, like because a four-year-old doesn't comprehend why they don't live there, what's going on.

Katie South:

So a little comment every now and then of talking about them, and it gives them comfortable permissions so that they can talk about the other parent comfortably. I really do have a lot of empathy with bio mums who struggle with sharing their children. I do, it's not easy. Sometimes the other parent bears the brunt, sometimes the step parent bears the brunt. But I almost wonder what would happen if your partner tried to have a compassionate conversation with the ex about, you know, I know it's difficult to share her, but Charlotte's not going away. And it would be really nice for our daughter to be able to be round more.

Charlotte:

And I think it doesn't happen that my partner's not. I'm very emotional. I lay all my all my emotions out on the card. She's quite a closed book. Like when I know she's not okay, something's happening to her bad day at work or something's annoyed her, someone says something to upset her, what's wrong? Nothing of fun. And then a few hours, maybe a day or two later, it all come out from nowhere. And I'm like, well, you could have just told me that 48 hours ago, but okay, fine, no worries. If that's how you deal with your emotions, no problem. But I can't imagine her having that conversation. And I think what I also find really difficult is the fact that she never doesn't want me in the same room, and uh, you know, we're saying this is all biomum. Technically, I don't actually know if it is all biomum because I've never seen them two together in the sense of since we've been together. I don't know what their conversations are like. Are they are is she round there in the week having a laugh and a jolly and a joke? Are they having a great time? Or actually is it like they kind of don't really talk and she's just there? And I think that probably then adds to my overthinking and me thinking, oh god, yeah, they probably sat there having a great deal of time or sat on the sofas together. And I go off into a right rabbit hole of what's going on, even though she's just gone there to see her child.

Katie South:

But that's understandable, I think, because it's been three years, it's not a midway situation where actually this is quite difficult, but it's very temporary. Like you don't know when this will change.

Charlotte:

No, when she's I don't know, a few years older and a few years into school, you know, is she gonna want to play every day after school? Like you do when you're three or four and younger? They come home and they don't they don't want to talk to you, do they have a long day at school, they're tired. How's school? Fine, who'd you play with? Can't remember. And that's what you get. I I obviously I don't know whether it'll carry on, and then if it does then go down, will it then the weekends it like I've got no issue at all with having her if she wanted to stay here for a whole week, wouldn't care. And I think I would help out, you know, if the bio mum needed a favour, she had an appointment, or she had something going on and she needed her picked up or taken to a lesson or taken to an activity, like I would happily do that, but that is just me living in a completely dreamland because biomum won't even interact in conversation with me. Been at a family event on my partner's dad's side and my partner was at work, and I actually was looking after my partner's niece and nephew, so I took them to the party, and biomum brought my stepdaughter to the party, and this really hurt from across it wasn't a very big room at all, it was like a little village hall. And you could tell that my stepdaughter wanted to talk to me and she just would wave at me and smile and then quickly look at Biomont. And normally when I walk into a room, everyone gets shoved out of the way and I get a big cuddle. So and I said to my partner, I said, That's that's not something that a four-year-old knows not to do. They don't know who they should and shouldn't talk to or when they should and shouldn't talk to people. I said, So clearly something's been said, she's ever heard something. I said, but that I said that made me feel rubbish. And I said, and actually whether she can speak to me or wave to me, and then quickly looking up by a mum as if she's gonna be, you know, told off or it's a bad thing, or like that's that's that's shit.

Katie South:

Yeah, and it makes you wonder, well, what else is being said, what else is happening? It's it's so difficult, and I'm sure it all comes from a place of insecurity and hurt, but not being able to recognize it. It's it's hard, like it's hard for you. And when we caught up kind of before we recorded, and I was saying to you, I was interested whether the dynamic would be different with three women more hormones, more problems. Which I was like, ah man, because you know, I often you you'll often speak to women and you'll think, oh, it's it's the man here who's the problem.

Charlotte:

He's the problem, but we can't even blame the men. No, not this time. We can't, we can't. I just it's I like I said, I'm just I just struggle to what avenue do I take next, what route do I take take next. I know things are said because she has said to my stepdaughter said to me, Why doesn't mummy talk to you? How would she know that? How would she know who her mum talks to and who her mum does not talk to? What'd you say? I flipped it and I just said, Oh, I'm not sure, maybe ask mummy.

Katie South:

Yeah, I think that's what I would have said. Because the thing is, if I'm just kind of reflecting on that and I'm thinking, well, if you give an answer, that's also potentially quite triggering because you can't say, Oh, mummy doesn't like me.

Charlotte:

I was saying I wasn't mummy didn't let me to the birthday party because that caused a big uproar. So I just flipped it and gave it back. So then if she then went home and said, Mummy, why do you not talk to Charlotte? Then I mean she's gonna give whatever answer she wants to give, but it's just I didn't want to put her in a position and then like you said, cause an uproar on before my partner's yeah, have I said the wrong thing? Have I said the right thing? Whereas if I've just said, Oh, I don't know, I'll ask Mummy. I haven't really said anything, but I've said something if that makes sense.

Katie South:

Yeah, total sense. So, Charlotte, where'd you go from here then?

Charlotte:

Me and my partner did actually have a quite a good conversation because a lot of the time when the conversation is about by mom and stepdaughter and the whole dynamic of it all, it can get very heated very quickly. But we did recently have a good conversation. I did say, like progressing and going forward, I I would like things to change. You know, I said it's been long enough now, I've sucked it up long enough. So, you know, with her starting school, she's gonna have more events. She's like I said, she's gonna have a nativity, she's gonna have sports days, she's her dance shows, her birthday parties. I'm not saying I need to be at every single one, I might not be able to make every single one, you know. I might have work myself. And I'm not saying we all have to sit there and have a coffee and a chat and be best friends. I'm not I'm not asking that at all. I'm just asking, can I be present? And when you say, Can Charlotte come to a birthday party? It's just Charlotte's going to come, but I hope this is okay. I'm just giving you a heads up.

Katie South:

And it's as simple as even saying to her, you know, as we were saying, this person's in my life now permanently. I know it's hard, but it's how it is. Like, how can the three of us make the best of the situation?

Charlotte:

I think going forward, and after that conversation, my partner did say, you know, she would have my back more in the sense of when biomum says no, that's not the indefinite answer, and there's no negotiating with that at all. But when we have a child, and then my stepdaughter wants our child at this birthday party because it's her sibling or her event, you're not just taking our child off and I'm not coming.

Katie South:

I mean, it's it's hard. I really, really feel for you. It's a really difficult situation, and I think if you don't have your partner on your side, that's hard. And we know that partners who don't live with their kids all the time, male or female, feel torn, but you kind of can't bury your head in the sand about all of it, you know. She's gonna have to open her eyes. But look, Charlotte, thank you so much for getting in touch with me. It's been so lovely to speak to you, and you know, I feel sad because I I can see from kind of how much you clearly love kids and want a relationship with your stepdaughter, and she obviously really loves you to bits. It's it's really sad for both of you. So I really hope things can move on and you can get to see her more and build that more permanent relationship, and that fire mum can be accepting of that, you know. Nobody's saying you have to be friends.

Charlotte:

No, not at all. I'm not, you know, I'm not uh I feel like I'm not asking for a lot. No, that little bit of acknowledgement and appreciation. There's a lot further, I think, than my partner completely realises.

Katie South:

It's it's that feeling of your partner having your back.

Charlotte:

Yeah. Like we're a team, we're not we're not separate.

Katie South:

Well, look, thank you so much for talking to me and do keep in touch. Let me know how it goes.

Charlotte:

I will. Thank you for having me.

Katie South:

Take care. Thank you, and you. Gosh, I could feel the love for that little girl pouring out of Charlotte. It's so difficult when all you want to do is be there for your partner's child, but circumstances prevent you from doing so, and sending you loads of love, Charlotte, and to anyone else who's in that boat too. If you're looking for tailored stepmum support or to connect with other women who get it, then head to www.stepmumspace.com to join the forum, explore the workshops, or see if one of my coaching programmes could help you. You can also reach me via email through the site or on the socials at stepmum space with any questions. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do rate a review wherever you get your podcasts. It totally helps other women find us, and as you know, I'm so passionate about offering this support to those people who need it. If you've got a story you'd like to share, please get in touch via the website stepmumspace.com or on the socials at stepmum space. I'll be back next week with another new story. See you next time.

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Katie South

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